Ray of Sunshine

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I wish to stay anonymous, I'm 30 weeks pregnant but im not 100% sure who the

farther is i had a 1 night stand but used a condom, iv not used owt wiv my

partner for a year i used to be on the pill but came off to start a

family,if my baby isn't my partners i don't want her, i love my partner so much

and there is no way on earth i can tell him,i need advice because its eating

away at me,thanks x

Dear Friend,

I feel for your dilemma and understand how, right now, this may not be a joyful time. I did not completely understand, your whole email but I will try to answer you.

I've put a couple links at the bottom, that may or may not be helpful. But I take it, you do not want to tell him about this one night stand. Once your child is born, you may be able to tell, if it's his or not. Regardless, the child is still yours.

The question, I don't think you've thought about, is this; if you decide, after having this child, that the baby is not his, how in the hell will you tell him, that you are going to give the child up for adoption? If he thinks the child is his, from the start, he'll think you're drunk or crazy, for thinking, you're going to give his child away. Do you see what I'm saying? You can't have this child and just give it away. You'd have to tell him, why, you'd possibly want to put the baby up for adoption, anyway.

If I was in your situation, I'd have to tell him the truth...after the baby is born. It will do no good to tell him, till then. Or you can choose to wait and maybe, somehow, get his DNA and send it in, to be determined. They do have kits, to do it at home. Possibly, you could say, you need something for the Doctor? Most men hate to go to the Doctor's right? So, when the baby has her first cold and she will, you say the Doctor needs a sample, to make sure it's not strep or something. Most DNA tests consist of a large cotton swab. You must run it back and forth, on the inside of your cheek, several times, I think 6-7 times. Then, you send it away for testing.

It's rather deceptive but I don't know what else to tell you. I am not going to scold you (Who am I to do that, anyway, haha!). What's done is done. Remember, when you have sex, anytime, no matter what, you must realize, that there may be consequences. Even with birth control, you can get pregnant. Even with a condom, you can get pregnant and you may or rather, there's always the possibility to contract an STD. But you know that now, right? I write this for the benefit of anyone reading this.

You know, I never wanted children, never. I became pregnant at the age of 16 and all my girlfriends told me to go get an abortion. Something in me, told me that it is wrong, don't do it. Back then, abortion was not explained as it is now and we didn't have the same understanding. In other words, we were made to think it was merely another means of birth control. It is not and if you knew what they did, how it's done and what the fetus looks like before and after, you just might change your mind. But my point is this; I never wanted children, as I said. But after I had my son and he held onto my hand and loved on me unconditionally, I can't imagine, my life without him. I had two more sons and as rough as it was being a single Mom, I could never live without them in my life.

Once you have this child, you may feel differently. Hopefully, this child shines, in your eyes. I hope she is your ray of sunshine. Right now, things seem rather dismal and dark but this is a product, half you and hopefully half, the fella that you love. I hope and pray it is, for your sake. I do have a good feeling though, that all will be well. But it never hurts to pray, now does it? It also never hurts, to talk to the big guy, apologize from the heart and ask him to take control.
Remember this.

Write to me, after the baby is born and then, tell me how you feel. I will wait patiently.



Genetic Testing Laboratories (At Home)

DNA Testing (At Home)

How To On Adoption

The Benchmark

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I recently got married yet before the wedding came, I was pregnant. I

decided to tell NO one in my family about this- lest they tell others at the

wedding, or feel that it was a shotgun wedding (of which it was no such

thing- we have been together for 4 years). I didn't want that kind of

burden. So I chose to wait until the day after the wedding to tell my mom

and dad. Who in turn could tell whomever they pleased. I didn't want people

looking at me "that way" during the wedding. I kept small enough that no one

would notice.

2 Days before the wedding my sister went snooping through my bags while I

wasn't home and found prenatal vitamins. My mom the OB nurse has voiced her

concerns about a pregnancy to everyone but me- so maybe she felt justified

to go looking for proof? I did not know that she had suspicions. When I came

home that evening, she proceeded to tell me in front of 3-4 other people

that she "happened" to see these vitamins as she moved my bag and if I had

something to tell everyone. I denied it, as I still did not want anyone to

think I was pregnant before the wedding. I felt that due to her snooping and

confronting me, she had no right to know. I would NEVER confront someone

with that kind of information ESPECIALLY in front of others. I felt that was

SO wrong of her. She is very confrontational - at her work, to my parents,

her sisters, etc. and I always try to be the "bigger" sister and don't say

anything. I figured this was the end of the story because I felt I was clear

that NO, I wasn't pregnant, and NO, those vitamins were no grow my hair or

some such. I also told her that if she wanted to confront me about such an

issue in the future, I would appreciate it if she did it in private. She

hemmed and hawed and said we were private, that no one else could hear us-

but I felt her approach was totally wrong- and for once I stood up for

myself and said something about it. I thought that was the end.

Well, now it is one month past the wedding. I am starting to tell friends

that were at the wedding about my news. A friend called me who will be

visiting next month, and I told her I was pregnant. She said she already new

that I was pregnant. I said how? She said on my wedding night, my sister

asked if I had told her the good news. She said no- but asked if I was

pregnant . MY sister said yes! But she asked my friend a leading question-

what else could it be to ask if she knew special news the night of my

wedding. Then, she said my sister had had too much to drink and thats probably

why she said something. Please remember that the night before she asked me

if I were pregnant and I said NO. I obviously didn't want anyone to know,

especially once she had confronted me in such a rude way. My friend had

already left for home once I told my family- my mom and dad, rather- so

there would be no way for her confirm or deny such a thing. I believe she

was just trying to be nasty and make me look bad or spread rumor. I had told

no one yet- she still could not have known. And she should not have asked my

friend if I had told her the special news- when I hadn't even told my sister

yet.

Yesterday, I called her and told her what my friend had said she did. First

she apologized, then she denied it. Then she tried to turn it around and say

I was a bad sister for thinking she would do such a thing. She seems so

confrontational, so insincere that I really believe my friend that it

happened. There would be no motive for my friend to fabricate such a story!

Then she said she, in reality, was just really happy that we were having a

baby, etc. There is so much background to this story. But her boyfriend has

2 children- now he is her fiance- and she wanted him to disown the children

so she would not have to have any burden of raising them. She said she did

not like the way their mother and grandparents were raising them. She is

always nasty to my niece and nephew when they come over, same thing- she

says she doesn't like the way they are being raised. Then she will turn

around and try to be really nice. I should also say she has been diagnosed

bipolar- so none of this surprises me. I just don't believe her spreading my

"BIG"news around was her way of being happy for me. We had never discussed

it, not had I told her that I was expecting. I think she was trying to be

rotten. Now that she is known bipolar- she is SO confrontational, so moody,

so irrational and then tries to blame it all on her disorder. Some of it

yes- but I believe that she is taking a huge liberty here, and just uses her

disorder to blame her bad behavior on.

I hate confrontation. There are many times when people walk all over me

just because I don't want to confront them or cause conflict. I just felt

she had gone too far. She needed to be confronted so this would not happen

again, so she would know this was wrong to do to people and that third, I

did not like or appreciate her behavior.

Now I am the one who feels guilty. Did I ruin my relationship with my

sister? Did I ever even have a relationship? Are my parents going to take

her side when she runs crybaby to tell them how terrible I am? How mean, how

rude, etc. I believe in my heart that I did the right thing confronting her.

I waited 3 days before telling her I was upset- as not to do anything

irrational. I never raised my voice. I listened to her excuses on the phone.

When she apologized, I told her I forgave her. I told her I would never do

such a thing to her (and I never have). I even emailed her after the

conversation and told her I wanted our communications to be between us, not

through 3rd parties such as our mother. If we have issues with one another,

we should talk to each other- not 3rd parties and the grapevine. Then I

told her in the email that the case was closed, I forgave her and that I

loved her.

I am still upset or I wouldn't be writing this email. I feel like she will

make it awkward at family gatherings- she will make a point of not speaking

to me or have further confrontation. When I still will feel like she is the

one who brought this upon herself.

Any advice? Am I wrong? Mislead? Self centered?

HELP!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I feel you on this. It actually pissed me off too and I had to sit and wonder what lil' sister's motives were?

Before I even, address this, I want to make a point. The saying "Forgive & Forget" does not mean, we allow people to walk all over us. I do think, even if we put it in Biblical terms, God is merciful and forgives us but that does not mean, we never have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Equally important, is the fact that your sister, can never really be truly sorry for what she has done, if she doesn't really understand, the ramifications of her trespass/transgression against you.

Little Sister behaved, in an extremely, immature way and it just screams jealousy, if you ask me. I think you still need to address this. Let me remind you, you must be true to yourself and use all the tools at your disposal. This is obviously still weighing upon you or you'd not have written me, right? So, in the context of being true to yourself, I think the subject is not over and you have every right to get it all out, put it into perspective for your sister and find closure, after you have made her more than aware, just how the cow jumps over the moon. Saying you forgive someone, is the easy part. It's working through that hurt and anger, that you rightfully own. I'd say, it's enough to piss off a preacher, what she did to you. I mean, we count on our sisters to share in our joy, not hinder it. Even the smallest detail, of the fact that she'd gone through your things, is a clear violation. We all have personal boundaries and she stepped on yours. We have to ask ourselves, just why would she want to tell, this little secret, for one thing? The second question is; Motive?

I for one, think, she wanted her butt to shine. It's so transparent that she wanted to make herself look good, while you look like the traditional, illegitimate carrying, do not wear white, bride. I think it was an evil move, unscrupulous and down right dirty. Now, I am not trying to piss you off even more, (Sorry, "pissed off" are the words of the day here?) but I do believe we need to handle this, in an *Assertive way.

I have been, in the past, considered Passive-Aggressive. Now, there are so many definitions of this and none are favorable. But my terminology for this particular behavior/life style or behavioral pattern, and what sums mine up, was this;
I would take it and take it. I would allow people, to do or say things, that I didn't like, for the most part because I was non confrontational. I would over look it or let it go. Then, all of a sudden, this person(s), does something, which I've allowed them to do, to get away with and I brew. I cloud up and rain all over them, making them believe I am truly psychotic. I am still guilty of this from time to time but my"episodes" are less frequent because I have become what I lovingly refer to as an "Assertive Bitch." I wear my favorite Bitch Belt.

See, there's a difference between showing self-control of your emotions and stuffing them. Some emotions, i.e., anger, hurt, pain and so on, can be rather damaging to us. In fact, they can eat us alive. If we do not communicate how we feel, little is resolved. Stress and anger can kill. If nothing else, they hold our human spirit, hostage. You need to free yourself from this.

I often write, that I feel one of the best forms of communicating, complex feelings and emotion, is through writing it all down. Write a letter to your sister.

In your letter, you need to state how she made you feel, what the ramifications were and the fact that the only way this can be resolved, is for her to understand what she has done. Make it clear, your intention is not to make her pay for the infraction but to understand it.

If you feel betrayed, write it. If it angered and frustrated you, write it. If it embarrassed you, write it. Whatever those feelings are, that you grapple with, hurt, pain, betrayal, (which by the way, I would feel every one listed) you write it in the letter.

It seemed a bit vindictive, if you ask me. I mean really, what Sister would go out of her way, which she clearly did, to make it so extremely visible that you were pregnant. She took it on like a mission. Now, You must take on the mission, of making your Sister, painfully aware of how bitterly she has behaved. Ask her why she is so bitter, towards you. Take full responsibility for anything, you may have done in the past, to have hurt her enough, for her to feel the need, to put you in your proverbial place.

It sounds to me, like your Sister has been allowed to run rampant and dish out the nastiness, unchecked and unbridled. She needs to know, it will never be tolerated again. If she wants to make amends, it will be through her own personal responsibilty and accountability for her crude, rude and socially unacceptable attitude. Yes, some of us, do walk around, self-absorbed, self-will run riot and until somebody calls us on our stinky crap, we just don't see how bad it smells. Yes, it stinks to high heaven and it should be your ulterior motive, not to hurt her, not to put her in her place but to make her aware of how she presents herself to others.

Finally, if you can't count on and trust your family, you've nothing. She must understand that of all people in the world, you'd think that you'd be the last, she'd want to hurt. But by her actions, your memory of your wedding has been tainted. Ask her if this was her wish? Tell her that she can deny it to your face but deep down, you know the truth. Then, you tell her that you love her. You never want to relinquish your relationship, as sister's. It all starts with love but respect is a must. She treated you with a complete lack of respect and her actions speak only of a vindictive and mean spirited scenario. Then, you tell her, if this was her motive, to hurt you, to show no respect, to betray you and to stain a memory, she was successful.

But you then point out to her, what she was not successful at;

She failed miserably as a stand-up woman, garnering any level of respect from you. She failed miserably at taking responsibility for her actions. She failed miserably at pretending to be a mature and a loving Sister. She failed miserably as a friend, which sisters should be.


Then, you ask her, if you'd done this to her and put her business on the street, would she be so easily or readily able, to forgive? And how can we resolve this because you do love her and you do not want this as the deciding factor, the benchmark for your relationship with her?

Aunt Babz

PS, Another way...email her this entire correspondence.

*Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Assertive people

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

• They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• They know their rights.
• They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It mean that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.
• They have a good understanding of feelings of the person they are communicating with.

A Look In The Mirror

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I got married two years ago but my husband sometimes gets violent and beats me up. It has happened six times so far and the last time he did it i moved out and i am living with my brother. My husband wants me to go back home but i am afraid that he will beat me again. I am also afraid to end the marriage because of the shame i will feel for being married for only two years. We do not have any children. The thing is when he is nice he is so nice but when he gets angry he becomes a monster. Please tell me..how many beatings must a woman face before she calls it quits? Do violent men ever change?

Dear Friend,

Were you aware that I was in an abusive relationship? The physical abuse ended with me shooting him. Bold statement, huh?

There is a lot to that story. If I had not called the Police on him and had him arrested just two weeks before the incident, I may have gone to Prison. They investigated and knew it was self defense but really, that is not the important part of this. It was the most God awful day of my life. I watched as they took him away, dieing, this man that I loved, I had almost mortally wounded. I had taken the beatings, over and over, in a sick twisted process, thinking it was love. That is not love, no matter how much they say they are sorry.

A man that has been allowed to get away with a behavior, will almost always revert back to it. He will put you in your place, every opportunity, he can. I guarantee, that behavior will not decimate on it's own. It will not go away, it will not stop, as long as he is allowed to do it.

I became isolated, partly by him and partly on my own. If my family had seen my black eyes, there would have been big trouble. Before I shot him, he beat me in a fit of rage. He beat me beyond recognition. I had blood clots and could have died from that beating. There was so much blood, trapped in my face, it dripped down the inside of my neck, like paint drips on a wall. I felt so ugly.

The courts let him out, just two short weeks later. Of course he was sorry but was angry because I had him jailed. How inconvenient , huh? He began to try to make me pay for his short incarceration. I'd had enough and came out with a .22 rifle and told him to leave. He backed me down and I shot him point blank, in the stomach. It exited his back, nicked his liver and kidney, almost killing him. I was never the same, either and I'll leave it at that.

Ask him to go to Anger Management. If he refuses, he does not recognize his problem. Denial is the first issue. Make sure you pay attention to this. If he's said he's sorry simply because he had a couple of little consequences, for his actions and is not sorry for the action, nor understands it, you have your hands full. If he refuses counseling, do not go back. I don't care what shame you think you may endure, having your arm broke in half, as I did and then not being allowed to go to the hospital for three days, for fear, he may get in trouble, is more shameful than anything else. Prisons are full of women, who'd had enough. They'd kept it all a secret because of that shame factor and in a survivors clutch, they killed their oppressor. Try that shame on for size. How do I know all this? I went to prison. After that shooting, I felt into an inescapable abyss of self-destruction and addiction. I was ultimately, incarcerated. Talk about shame.

Look in the mirror and answer to yourself. The hell with what anybody else thinks. The shame you see, of believing that a beating is just the cost of good love, well, you need to question it. Never worry what anyone else thinks, I don't care what it is, as long as you are being completely honest with yourself. Be true to yourself, always.

If he won't go to counseling, he's in denial and all the lies, in the world, won't account for his mindset. He is lying to you and to himself, if he really thinks, he'll never hit you again. I'll stake my life on it.

National Domestic Hotline

Searching

Dear Aunt B,

I am looking for my friend that moved to Los Angeles. She is 16 years old. I have no idea what her parents names are. I really like this girl and really want to see her. Do you know how i would find her?

Thanks

Dear Friend,

I'm afraid that all I can do, is provide you with a few links. Short of hiring a Private Investigator, you'd have to do the leg work yourself. The links, I've provided below, especially Zabasearch, is good. Los Angeles data base is huge. Another way of finding people is through MySpace. Most teens have a page. You need to put her name in the search and go through them. Most will post a pic and you may recognize her. This is a tool I have used in my work. There are also pay per sites, but 9 times out of 10, unless they're registered for work and so on, it is hard to find them. Facebook, may be another suggestion but you may have to register to access their search engine. It only takes a minute. You never know, she may find you, if you get a page too. You can comb through these and see. I wish you the best.

PS, My friend, Dee @ Blogozine, informs me that there's a search engine called Spock. Check it out.



Zabasearch

MySpace Search

Facebook

Yahoo People Finder

PeopleSite

PeopleFinder (Pay Site)

Smell The Cologne

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,
I love my girlfriend, who is a 38 yr old flight attendant, she doesn't earn as much money as I do so I have been paying a few bills a month for her first to just help out.. This has now turned into a permanent thing and I am starting to feel that I am being taken advantage of. I gave her an expensive present for her birthday, but on mine, she gave me a birthday card saying she ordered something but it didn't arrive yet. This turned out to not be true by the way.... I realize she doesn't have a lot of money but yet she buys presents for her family all the time. Am I being taken advantage of ?

Dear Friend,

My initial reaction or gut instinct is, only if you allow it. I think you must weigh out, if she is being frugal or you've given her opportunity to believe that, now she has a crutch and can go and spend what she wants, as you'll be there to help her out.

But I think, you would not be writing me, if you were satisfied with that relationship? What I mean is this, are her priorities with her family and not you?
It is kind of you, to see that she has no money and could hardly afford a present but dammit, she could not tell me, that for your Birthday, she could not even write you a nice letter, telling you, how important you are in her life and she would give you the world, if she could. Many years, as a young bride, I felt I couldn't ask my husband for money to buy him a present, with his money. It was our money but you know what I mean. So, every year, I would do something special, cook a nice meal and write a nice letter or I even made cards and coupon books. They were kind of sexy coupons, need I say more? But it is always the thought that counts.

Now, she may have lied, telling you that she ordered something for you, out of embarrassment? Yet, she will give to her family? She may feel that comfortable with you, that she does not feel the need to shine or or or, she's behaving badly like a good lil golddigger.

I think this comes down to, you assessing your situation. As I said before, it is kind of you, to be helpful but if your relationship was all it should be, you'd not have written me. Possibly, back up and assess things. Maybe you should stop giving her the money or making the payment...a little tough love?

I think, only you can actually weigh this out. If you are not married, you don't owe her a thing. maybe, it's time for girlfriend, to wake up and smell the cologne. Back off for a minute. It's not a power play, if you take back your own control. See what I mean? It is your money, not hers. Imagine this, if you were not there, what would she do? Well, she'd have to live within her means, would she not? It may be a lesson to learn here. That is my gut reaction

Real or Memorex

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

a while ago me and my friend eva got very drunk and some guy in a bar

convinced us to make out with each other. ever since then we've been

touching each other playfully, but we've always said we just do this to make

fun of all those guys who get turned on by girl on girl stuff. last night,

though, me, eva and a third friend were watching a movie and it was cold, so

we used a blanket. me and eva started touching each other's thighs again and

first it was like usual, like o make fun of it. but then we started touching

each other between our legs and e did that for like an hours and somehow it

didn't feel like a joke anymore because. we were really close to each other

and i think she really enjoyed it because she started to breathe faster. i

also really liked it but now i don't know what to do because i don't want

this to affect our friendship. i don't know how serious that was. what do you

think?

Thanks

Dear Friend,

Once you cross a certain line, whether it be heterosexual, Bi or homosexual, the variables will change. Is it platonic? Platonic, often turns sour, believe it or not.

I think, in both hetero and homosexual frindships, once you throw sex into the mix, it does change. Now, if you were only doing this, for entertainment but feel uncomfortable, you need only to say that you don't roll like that. You may also tell your friend, that you are concerned about your friendship and want to just remain friends.

I do believe if you kinda like it and entertain it, it will continue. Most of us go through sexual experimentation, that is quite natural. Now, you must decide if this is Real or Memorex, a fake fun way to spend an evening. What I mean is this; If you do not feel the same way, as in becoming serious, be cautious and do not put yourself, back in the situation. It may die down. Or you can simply be up front and tell her, you don't want to ruin your friendship. I would say that or use that as a premise to how you feel.

Just as in any relationship, even with the same sex, if you do not want to do something, you must find it in yourself to say NO!

Mother Bear

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My husband was recently arrested for drugs and other charges but there was a court order in place for visitation for my kids but he is in jail and my mother in law insist that she will come get them but do i have to let them go because the visitation was for my husband?

Dear Friend,

I am not in the Legal biz but I do know enough to know that the visitation is what the court order says. If it does not list her name, she does not have the right to visitation. If she wants visitation, she can petition the courts but until said time, she has no legal ground.

Now, the other side of the coin. Only you know the reason, why you do not want your children, to go there, with your Mother-in Law. If it is because they may be exposed to something, wrong or illegal, I say, stand your ground. Make her take you to court and then you give the judge the reasoning behind your refusal.


If you are just being spiteful and I have seen this before, remember that she is their family too. I have been placed in the same scenario. My granddaughter will be 9 in August. I have not laid eyes on her since she was a toddler. She has Cystic Fibrosis. It is gut wrenching to worry and wonder how she is. I know this pain, of not being able to see MY grandchild. Those children are yours and as their Mother, you must, at all times, do what is in their best interest. Ask yourself, if you are being spiteful, unreasonable or malicious? If you have a valid reason, it is understandable. But if you do not, please look at.

I am a mother bear and would die or kill for my children. But we can not be too overbearing. We must have a balance and give them wings. Just because you and your husband, are on the outs, does not cut the ties that bind. Family is important for children. If there's a true reason for your fears, look at them, make sure they are valid and go from there.

If you are simply being a mother bear, you must see that for them to make it, they must see the forest and they must wander a bit. Keeping an eye on their welfare, is good but do not be over bearing or malicious.

It'll Be OK

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

Alright, so you know my boyfriend & I have been together for 3 years & that We were long distance for a while but then just this past fall (of 2006) he decided to leave home & move closer to me & was also continuing at university while he was here. It was a rough year for him.. getting adjusted.. didn't know anyone besides me.. i was going through some issues and because he is closest person to me i nagged him a lot and he was always patient with me etc,. I am a few yrs younger than him and he always took that into consideration and his patience and love always outweighed anything else. YOU know more than anyone about how there were a few bumps in our relationship.. nothing severe we obviously got through it but it just added to the stress. It's difficult to just sum up a relationship in a few paragraphs but basically.. as you know from my past e-mails..our relationship has been a blessed one & he contributed to it A lot, I'm not afraid to admit more than i have. I mean I have to be honest here to get some reliable advice.. I know that I didn't do enough for him or didn't help much with his stress & what makes me feel even worse is that he has never tried to point that out to me and has always just alleviated my stress and was always forgiving my mistakes. He is the type of person who puts everyone he cares for before him.. and ALWAYS put me first. I appreciate it, i do. from the very beginning of our relationship he always tried to do all he could do for me.. to see me happier. Now.. he just recently got some bad news.. financially he is in a hole, he is stressing out about how he is going to come back out here & has a lot to worry about and deal with..like how he is going to continue paying for school in 2months so that he can finish up his degree. Plus there are nothing but problems back home. He is very down now.. actually Angry. A very angry person.. ever since he found out the news.. it seemed like he took a thousand steps backwards from me. He never wants to be on the phone anymore..
He is back home now for the summer.. so we are back to long distance for a few months, so all we have really is the phone.
Am I focusing too much on myself if I'm taking it to heart? and when we do talk he is very short with me.. seems like he is taking his anger out on me. He said "I'm sick of doing for everyone and no one ever does for me & now because i never thought about myself i put myself in a hole & i'm sick and tired of it and i'm doing sh*t my way from now on i don't give a sh*t about anything or anyone anymore" Blaming me ?? Well, to me those words are shocking to hear from him & also very harsh in my opinion. However just this morning we talked for a few minutes and he told me "I'm going through a hard time and don't want anyone else giving me a hard time. I'm not asking you for anything, I'm just not a person you want to be on the phone with & I don't want to be angry towards you so lets just stay off the phone" My good friend knows him and she knows me better than anyone..she tells me I just need to be more supportive and that shes certain he is just overly stressed & that i shouldn't pick at his words at a time like this, that i'm focusing too much on myself & that if he wants to be left alone to then give him that space--that it doesn't mean any harm to my relationship (my friend knows i can sometimes be a self-righteous person..so that explains her advice) plus shes witnessed a lot and knows a lot about how he's never given up on me. I do believe that this is just a rough time and he isn't trying to push me away.. and because he's always been there for me and has always been so forgiving I can do this for him. I do feel extremely bad.. i care about him a lot & don't like to hear him so distraught. My advice to myself is.. to try and give him his space, don't call and bother him.. let him call me & not over analyze things that he says.. and not to take everything too personal..To just help him through this & when its over IF anything is bothering me just talk to him about it?? what do you think? Any suggestions from you would help.. any HONEST input.. anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks doll!!





My Old Friend,

Sometimes, we all have to go through things, by ourselves. I think he is angry at the world right now. Let him have it. It's not easy being one of the good guys. Quite often, nice guys finish last. But...they can look in the mirror and answer to themselves in truth. While some people have it real gravy in this life and do not struggle, they will not have it in the next. Plus, those that had it, in this life, because they took it, will have it taken from them. It's all relevant.

I think you two have a wonderful thing. I believe he loves you whole heartedly. But I do believe you take his anger at his situation, personally. That would be easy to do, when you do your best to share your life, with someone. Yes, a good woman, feels her man's pain. She wears it and it can't be helped. You also analyze every word and pull it apart and look at it. But I don't think his words, spoken in anger are anything more than that. Yes, we do often hurt the ones closest to us, with our angry words. I just think he's really fighting with himself. He's a good man and he will work through it. I don't believe he meant a word of what he said. I think he'd love to mean it but he is a man of scruples and honor. So, give him space to work through it.

When he tells you that he does not want to talk, it is not because of you, it is because he knows his mind is in a bad frame and he knows he will take it all, out on you. He loves you and does not want to hurt you. He is actually protecting you from himself right now. Let him do it, he does know what's best.

Where there's a will, there's a way and he has the willpower to move mountains. He just needs to work through it and it is not easy. Back up and let him know you are there for him and you understand. You tell him, that you'd stand behind him, no matter what. When he is upset, don't take it to heart. As a man, he sees the world through different shades of doubt, worry and disappointment. He may actually equate this with his manhood and failure. That is actually big and a hurt piece. But he'll find a way.

You ask him, to let you know, when he needs you and you will be there. Try to remind him, that you know he'll work things out, he just needs to calm down and not let it own him. No, he must own it and the situation. I do believe in prayer. You pray for him and his situation. You pray for his strength and wisdom. You pray for his calm assurance. If you don't believe in prayer, you must believe in positive energy and it's flow. Negativity can pull us under. Be positive and in turn, it will bleed into the conversation. Do not be distraught. Hold your head up and be positive. But give him his space. If he needs to rant, let him but remember not to wear it. Remind him, no matter what, it'll be ok.

"No Tolerance"

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am from a polygamous family and the only child of my mum to that family. My mum is late, and my dad seems to love me. Now, my half brother hated me and always beat me up at the slightest mistake. Advice me

Thank you.

PS,

It’s about hatred from my half brother. He felt our dad loves me more than the rest children.He so hated me with passion. I feel like moving away from the house. Quarrelling and fighting often times. Just share hate.

Do have a lovely week.

James

Dear James,

It must be difficult for you and I can surely understand, you feeling discouraged. Actually, discouraged, may be putting it mildly. It must be equally difficult when you're Mum is not there to comfort, guide and let you know you are loved. It is good to hear, that your Dad loves you.

You do not say, how old you are or how long you must live under the same roof as your half-brothers. I assume you are a teen? I also assume, moving out is not the answer?

My own, youngest son, was treated harshly because, his own brothers believed he was my second husbands son and their half-brother. They treated him badly because of this. He had blue eyes, like my second husband and was raised by my second husband who treated him preferably. Children sense this, even if no harm is intended. My youngest was really their, full blood brother but they were so mean to him, growing up. I do not believe they would have treated him this way, had they realized that blood is blood, family is family and respect for one another is just that.

Can you go to your Father and ask him to Mediate, between you two? Ask for a sit down, to talk. Ask your father to allow you to talk and your aim, is not to make your brother look bad but to work things out between you both.

Tell your brother that he is just that, your brother and you want his favor. Remind him, with your dad sitting there, that you are family and you want to get along. Make him aware that you have no need for this partition between you two. Tell him that you want to get along and the way things have been going, it all really hurts. Use these words," Brothers should be there for each other. I want to turn things around. I don't want to behave as a child and I don't want any resentment between us." See, you know why your brother is acting out of jealousy and it is not your fault, if he feels that your Dad cares for you more. You tell him, that you do not feel that your father cares for you differently than him and loves you equally. So, who is at fault here, if they have animosity? It is your brothers fault, unless you have provoked him or your father has provoked him. You explain that and make him painfully aware, that your Mum is gone and your family is all you have. A father's love is all you have and you no longer want to feel guilty when you receive your fathers love.

Then, you make your first stand as a man; You stand to shake his hand. You ask him, if you two can become brothers, from this day forward and throw the enemy out.

James dear, if I were you, I would write it all down, on paper. I would try to use the approach I have offered. I would set the stage by asking your Dad to intervene, only by sitting in on the talk. You make sure your dad knows your heart, your motive. That is to bridge this gap and put this pain aside. You explain that you are not trying to start a fight but end one, forever. You only request his presence as an intermediary, not a referee. This will also allow a captive audience with your brother and he will be forced to look at his issues and his behavior.

James, allow this to be your first stand, as a man. Allow this to be a life lesson. Learn from it all and how to see your confidence build, when you take your own destiny, your own issues and make a stand.

"While it is important, for people to know what we stand for, it is equally important, for them to know, what we will not stand for."
Aunt Babz

You must make take a stand and assertively state the fact that you no longer want to live this way. You must not be a martyr, for the cause of Polygamy. You must stop being a victim. I am not calling you a sissy. Read that again. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are understandable and valid. I am telling you, right here, right now, that I completely feel for you. But if you want this to stop, you must take a "no tolerance stance."


Put on Aunt Babz Signature Cologne; Confidence/Empowerement

You will no longer tolerate being treated like you have done something wrong because your father loves you. You will no longer tolerate your brother treating you badly because he has issues, with that love. If he has issues about the equality of your fathers love, between you both, he needs to take it up with his father, right then, while you are at your sit down meeting. You will no longer tolerate any of it and from this day forward, he will treat you like a brother or leave you alone.

Your situation is unique to you. But many young men, must grow up quickly without the love and presence of their Mother. But James, she is there, you need only to reach out to her and she will comfort you. She brought you here. Out of the millions of pages on the internet, you were guided here. There is no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. Remember this. You were guided here. Your Mum is always with you and will comfort you. She often touches your ear, to let you know she's there. You felt it but didn't know what it was, did you?

Write it all down, use the words I have given you and make your point. It will change your life. If you do this with the confidence that's within you, your brother will respect you from that day forward.

It is a rite of passage, from boy to man, when you learn to stand up for what you will not tolerate in your life. Remember the words, "No Tolerance."

Jagged Pill

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B

So here it goes. . .
I'm a 15 year old girl and it seems as if I am alone in the world. Its not that I feel that nobody understands me - I just don't think anyone wants to. My mother and I were always close and I always felt as if I could talk to her but for the past 3 years it seems like that isn't an option anymore. All of a sudden, it like she doesn't even want to be near me. I always hear how mothers complain that their children don't spend time with them but in my situation its the other way around. She never wants to spend time with me, she always puts my two brothers (ones 5, the other 19) above me and she never comforts me when I cry - even if it's her fault.

It may seem to you as if I am over-reacting but please assess the situation yourself:
My mother, brothers and I are sitting a table talking. It's time for the younger brother to go bath so the nanny comes to take him. He starts shouting at her so I start telling him he's only 5 and that he must go take a bath. He starts having a fit (notice no input from my mother so far) and comes around the table and pushes me - my hot coffee goes all over my clothes. Mother decides to intervene. She takes my younger brother in her arms, cuddles him and starts telling him that I am wrong and that I'm talking nonsense while she shouts at me. Older brother starts shouting at me and calling me names. Is that fair? Am I a typical jealous middle child?
I leave the table, go to my room, lock the door and perform the daily ritual : cry.
And no, my mother does not come to my door with a heartfelt apology. She doesn't come with an apology. She doesn't come at all.
(This is just one of the many situations)

Yes, I've tried talking to my mother nicely. I have written her a letter. I've confessed all my feelings. I've cried. I've shouted and sworn. I've given her the silent treatment for 2 weeks. Does she apologize? no. Does she even care? No. No one does.

I'm a straight A student (1st in my class), I don't go out at night, I cook, clean, give her advice on her problems.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm depressed - I stay awake at night, I'm irritable, I can't focus on my schoolwork anymore and I don't see any point in living. All the dreams I had seem so stupid and trivial. I wish I could stop living. I've also gained a lot of weight because of eating late at night - I know it's really embarrassing. I asked her if we could get together so that we could think of a healthy diet for me but she never came. So now every single part of my life is falling apart.
I don't have friends that I trust enough to talk to about this, there are no therapists or counselors in my area. I have no adults that I trust that I can talk to. I have tried talking to my father but he's a typical guy and he just ignored me.

I'm sorry if this email is really long - I'd appreciate if you'd email me back the answer(s) but if you can't can you please email me to notify me that you have an answer.

From Falling apart



Dear Falling Apart,

It does sound as if you are virtually alone. I feel bad for you. I can only believe that your Mom is going through something. What that something is, I do not know. Does she resent you for something? Do you remind her of herself and she is not happy with herself and takes it out on you?

You sound very level headed, for your age. I'm not quite sure, that I have an answer except, to validate your feelings and possibly give you some coping skills.

You say that you've written to Mom and to no avail? Ask her to allow you to go to counseling. Somehow, I think your Mom is the type of woman, that would not want you, to "air your dirty laundry" in public. My god what would people think? So, if you tell her, you'd like to go to counseling, she just might be forced to look at her behavior. Once you've done that, hopefully, you can go. It will be good for you to have your feelings validated by a neutral party. It is also possible that your psychotherapist, might ask that your Mom come in, for a group session. It is then, that she may have to face her behavior and it will be in her face, with no escape.

See, Mom's are only human and quite fallible. Sometimes, we say and do things, without realizing the full magnitude of our actions. I don't think she realizes, just how deep she is wounding you. Even worse, when she can't apologize, when she has been wrong, it tends to take away from the respect factor. Always remember, never be too big to apologize.

I want you to be respectful, always but I want you to take a stand. You go to her and you tell her, that you are asking permission to see a Psychiatrist or Therapist. She will ask you why? You must then tell her that you are having a terrible time feeling like she can't stand you. This has to make an impact. She will probably tell you that you are being dramatic. You tell her that, you need help and you are tired of crying.

It may be a good idea, to go to your Guidance Counselor and tell her a bit of what is going on. He/She may be able to recommend someone. Then, armed with a name or names of Counselors, in your hand, you go to Mom and request permission for therapy. She will have to see that you are having a hard time and she may now take you seriously.

I know, there are always three sides, to every story; Yours...Mine...The Facts.
She may see things differently than you. An example would be, when you gave your little brother hell, they may have thought you were out of line. You are not his Mother. Now, instead of properly disciplining him for his brat behavior, the attention was turned on you for being out of line. I know and you know, your lil brother was behaving like a brat. He should've been disciplined. If he is allowed to disrespect the Nanny, in front of his own Mother, it will create some really big problems later. She will be bailing him out of jail, early on because she made him believe it's ok to disrespect people, adults. The behavior, that Mommy will intervene and save me will carry over to Authority figures, following rules, laws and so on. She is molding a Monster.

While you may, very well feel like the moral compass, in the family, you are giving opportunity for her and your older brother to take their animosity out on you. This is not right but it is what it is. I think you are mature for your age. I also think you require that things be fair and just, moral and right. But an example of what may be happening, is the fact that your Mom may feel, she was wrong for not stepping in and saying something before you. She then took it out on you. Future reference; No matter how badly, you want for things to be right and for your brother to behave, stay out of it. You just might save yourself some grief.

The big question here; Does your Mother think you're a know it all smart ass? You may be right, in your views but she may feel she needs to put you in your place. Don't give her that opportunity anymore. Try to get into counseling. Life is not fair and for some of us, it is a jagged pill to swallow. We expect things to be just and fair and they just are not. Now, somehow I just know that this prayer suits you. Say it over and over. Study it and breathe it in. Wear it and become it;

Think

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi there,

I am really stuck on what to do, im 17 and i really like my cousin. Hes 21

this year and i know it isn't rite that i like my cousin and it would tear

the family apart if anything happened between us but i really like him and he

really likes me, i don't know what to do about the way i feel. He says we

could be together but we would have to keep it secret from everyone and meet

up when no-one knew. I don't see this as a good type of relationship but

what can i do when i have fallen really hard for him and he has really

fallen for me? Please help me, do we get together? Is it wrong to like

each other? Will it destroy our family? I really need your help.

Thank you!

Dear Friend,

First let me say, that your feelings are probably genuine. You have things in common with your cousin and may have even grown up with him? Maybe you have a long history? Feelings have emerged, possibly strong feelings. But I think you'll need to look at them very carefully.

You are not the first to fall for your cousin and you won't be the last. For as long as I can remember, they've called it, "Kissing Cousins." In tight knit families, it is fairly common to become close and possibly, misinterpret feelings. Why do I say misinterpret? You may actually take offense to me saying that, but you must look at this.

In most states, it is illegal for 1st cousins to marry and relationships are frowned upon. There's a reason for this. They believe, that there is a potential for your offspring to be affected. But the substantial evidence, supporting this, has eluded me. You may have to research it yourself

The Amish, I know had a higher incidence of problematic children because of the fact of their close knit marriages. It is my understanding, after speaking personally, with Amish women in Leon, N.Y. that they often went out of state, i.e. Pennsylvania's Lancaster sect, for get togethers. Their get togethers are often barn raising and such but this way, they will meet out of their sect. They themselves, policed themselves and looked for resolve by taking this stance, to have their young people to meet out of their own family units.

Regardless of the factual based possibilities, I'd like to point out a few things to you. I do believe society would call this, as harsh at it may seem...

in·cest (ĭn'sĕst')
n.

1. Sexual relations between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom.
2. The statutory crime of sexual relations with such a near relative.

Now, you have not mentioned a sexual relationship, with your 21 year old cousin but two issues come to mind. Right now, if you had sex with him, your parents could push the issue, possibly, of statutory rape. In many states, it is illegal for an adult to have even consensual sex with a person under the age of 18.

Secondly, why would you ever want to be in a relationship that had to be kept quiet, like a dirty little secret? Now, I am not judging you. In the name of love, I have done some crazy and stupid stuff, things I am not proud of. I can also look back, over the years and see different relationships, how they evolved, how I felt and how they ended. I can remember thinking I couldn't breathe if my relationship ended with a certain person. I mean, I love with all the passion and fire of an insane person. But I have thought that I could not go on without that relationship, it was that hot and heavy. Next thing you know, I've outgrown them or they'd done something to hurt me and I hated their ever lovin' guts. At one point, I thought they were all that, the best looking guy to walk down the pike. After the break-up, I would view them as the ugliest thing, known to man. Love is truly perspective. Love is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy. I have loved and been loved and have been in more relationships than I can count or care to admit. I say all this because I want you to know, that I honor your feelings and am not trying to dismiss them. I do however, want you to look closely at them.

I assume because of your age, that you've not been in many serious relationships. You may or may not have been in love before. Love is different things to different people. Our view of love changes, progresses and matures as we grow.

I would like very much, if you will look deeply, into this situation. I do think you have some concern yourself. I also think that you have heard, what I call the, "Small Still Voice." It has told you to be concerned about this situation. Learn to recognize it, hone it and try to always listen to it. It will guide you through life. If you hear it and get that eerie sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, heed it's warning.

I am not sure if this is wrong or right. I know, in some states it's illegal, as I pointed out to you. If he is your first cousin, it may be morally wrong. Think.

Love is a powerful thing. As a young woman, you may be experiencing normal feelings, a walk down the path towards womanhood, emotionally. Is it possible, like a radar, you may have directed those normal feelings towards someone who you have things in common with? Is it possible that you have zeroed in on your cousin, out of a closeness, misconstrued as love? Is it also possible that your sexuality, has come of age and you woke and saw him? Think.

If you were my daughter and you asked me, what to do, I would tell you, to make a conscious effort, to date other people, right now. Anything you have to hide, in a hetero situation, can't be good. How can you celebrate your love for one another, if you must hide it and worry what people will think. Having a secretive relationship will only bring about hurt and pain, pain you will also have to keep secret.

I encourage you to really try to walk away from this situation. Open your eyes to the endless possibilities out there. There are many fish in the sea. Now, I know if you have feelings for him, it may be hard. But your feelings may be family love that is jumbled and mixed with a want and need for companionship. Of course you care about him and obviously, you are close. How will you tell your friends? Will you be able to go out and show affection, while everybody else is? I mean envision, any scenario. A whole group of you go out, to a party, boyfriends and girlfriends. They're listening to music, at the party, dancing together, holding hands, kissing. What will you do? When your girlfriends are comparing notes and talking, as girlfriends do, about their boyfriends and expressing and proclaiming their love, what will you do? You will always have to sneak and hide, worry that you will be caught and what will people think?

Love is such a beautiful thing. It can not be contained and kept under wraps. You will want to share and tell the world about how much you love, your guy. But if you continue to entertain the notion of being with your cousin, you will begin to live a lie, one you may never recover from. Think.

Kissing Cousins

20/20 has done an investigative report on cousins marrying one another. According to the report, cousins are allowed to legally marry in 26 states in the United States. Additionally, such marriages are more common in European and Middle Eastern countries. "In some Middle Eastern countries, almost half of all marriages are to cousins."

"And consider this — Albert Einstein's parents were cousins, and he married his cousin, too. FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt were cousins, so were Prince Albert and Queen Victoria and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was briefly married to a second cousin." Although many people are still concerned about the genetic risks cousin marriages supposedly take, a new study by National Society of Genetic Counselors states that the genetic risks are much less than previously thought.
Cousin Marriage License Laws

The New York Sun (Commentary)

CousinCouples

The Death of Aaron Hall; Commentary by Aunt Babz

I AM NOT A PREACHER
I had gone to Recovery Beach, a pleasant addictions recovery spot. It only works if you work it, they say and I believe it. If you want to recover from addiction, you need to get real and work on it. Recovery does not knock on your door, looking for you. Now, you must get up, go out and find it just like you did, your drug of choice. But that is not the point of this post/commentary.

There was a post about a guy who'd been beaten to death, in Indiana. The guy had supposedly "come on" to two teens. They beat him to death. The story is covered in, The Bloomington Alternative;

The 1998 hate-crime murder of Matthew Shepard in Wyoming is commonly invoked in comparison.

Thirty-five-year-old, 5-foot-4, 100-pound Aaron Hall was brutally beaten on April 12 for hours by two teens who have described the murder in chilling detail to police. Each says Hall precipitated the violence by making a homosexual suggestion.

There is also the gruesome details, published in the
Crothersville Times

I am grateful, not everyone is silent on this issue. Fellow bloggers Recovery Beach, Advance Indiana have written an expose' as well as The Daily Kos. This is all too much like the story of the beating death of Matthew Shepard. It just sickens and angers me. I will not hold my tongue or be silenced.This needs to be looked at sternly and the world needs to take a look in the mirror. Did you judge today?

Why people hate homosexual activity, stems from staunch Christian beliefs. This may seem like a blind or broad statement but it is true and the hate is bred through the groundwork, the very beliefs, rooted deep in Christianity. Without delving too deep, into that issue, I will make this additional, broad statement; If this is what Christianity represents, I want nothing to do with it. But I call myself a "Spiritual" person, for this very reason. I want nothing to do with the heretics or politics of old religion.

Would Christ, himself, teach people to beat, kill and maim someone because they are homosexual? No, he would not and he'd tell you, "Those among you, who are free of sin, cast the first stone." I've yet to meet anyone, who could actually lob a stone. Now, before you say anything, let me make myself clear on this. God does not like "Deviant Behavior." I do not believe that God has a problem with homosexuality, in itself but deviant behavior, is His issue.

It is just as wrong for a heterosexuals to go out on a Friday night, on a mission to "get laid" with somebody, anybody and take them home for a one night stand. This is just as much sin as it is for a homosexual on that same mission.

I firmly believe that God knows our hearts and our intention. A man/woman who is attracted to the same sex, is hardwired this way, it is as natural, his/her attraction to the same sex, as breathing. It is, as natural to them, as you, attracted to the opposite sex. If she/he loves in a monogamous relationship, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is the dirty, deviant, slutty, irresponsible people, who I believe God has a problem with. I was one of them.

These teachings, founded in Christianity, are fueling, this homophobic behavior. When we concentrate on pointing out others, "supposed" defects with no tolerance and teaching hate, we have a bigger problem, than any war. We must look at this and what we are teaching our children. Did they hear you say," I hate those faggots"? Where did they learn this?

It is not my goal to turn people away from their religion. No, it's exactly the opposite; I want you to believe in a Higher Power and have a true relationship, as I do, with your creator. I would be lost. My goal is to make people aware of how things and teachings have been twisted by man. We have taken what we choose to believe, concerning all things, the bits and pieces and not the whole context of the message.

What was Christ's message, to us, his words to live by?

I think the most important message he projected was to treat each other, as we want to be treated. "Do unto others, as you would have done to you." This is Kindergarten stuff people. It's so basic. And it's shocking, to me, the very fact that you do not follow these words. The biggest sin, the most heinous act is to twist the words of the father for your own personal gain, to be right at all costs. If you are Christian but can not follow this simple lifestyle, of treating people, how you want to be treated, you need to re-evaluate yourselves and your sacred doctrines.

If you do not understand someone's lifestyle DO NOT JUDGE, lest you be judged. Pray for them, if you think they are wrong. pray for your own understanding, compassion and pray that one of you, whomever, has their eyes opened to the truth. But put that pointing finger away.


What happened to this young man, is unacceptable and we need to look at it. We need to think, just what he went through, in the guise of ridding our world of homosexual behavior. We need accountability in this incident and we need to realize that what we are teaching our children, what is uttered in the privacy of our own homes, needs to be evaluated. Your children hear your comments. They take on your beliefs. There were, what three boys, involved in this incident, this man's death? My point is that, all three of those young men, in separate homes, were taught this hate. Three, in one town, a typical American town, at that. How many more people or towns, like this one, are out there?

It all comes back to the Church and parenting. What are we teaching our children? This is appalling. "God Don't Like Ugly." Are we raising ugly and hateful children because we are ugly and hateful, in the name of our religion, values and beliefs? If this is you, God help you!

Matthew Shepard Foundation

Topix.Net (Discuss This)

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I'm looking for some unbiased advice. I am 19 years old, engaged (he's 22)
and mother to 2 beautiful twins babies; a boy and a girl. I got pregnant
when I was 17 and a senior in highschool. My fiance and I, (we've been
engaged since October 2005) could not have been happier, but it was still
difficult for me, as happy as I was, I was still so young. Everything
throughout my pregnancy went well and on July 19th 2006 I gave birth to my
little munchkins. My man was right by my side the entire time, he wasn't
allowed to stay with me over night, but he was there till as late as they'd
let him stay and got there first thing in the morning. I had a c-section so
he helped me go to the bathroom and anything I needed afterwards. For a
month or so he helped out at home making bottles and such. I know it was a
hard adjustment especially for him. The babies are about to me 11 months
old, and my relationship with my fiance has deteriorated tremendously.
About 5 months ago he had lost his job and started collecting unemployment,
we've lived with my mother and things have been kind of tense because he
doesn't really do anything to help out around the house leaves his dishes
around and doesn't pick up after himself. But my mom tolerates it as do I,
because every little thing triggers a fight. And he rarely stays home to
help with the babies. Now I am home ALL day with 2 babies whom I love more
than anything in this universe, but after a while I need a break. He's
started back to school which is from 8am to like 12:30pm. He always goes to
his parents house afterwards or his making excuses why he can't be home.
All we ever do is fight and it's not all him. I snap at him for stupid
things and he snaps back, we are both stubborn fighters. I finally broke
down about a week ago and was ready to end our relationship, but I don't
want to throw away all of our good times and years for just a few months of
stress and turmoil.

I had happened to catch a glimpse of one of his messages on the computer and
it was to some girl he met over the internet that I went to school with
she's a year or 2 older than me. I am extremely jealous and so I got upset,
and he told me it was just because they knew the same people. Now I got
paranoid because I knew how bad we had been fighting and how much we've been
pushing each other away. We barely have sex and when we do it's like bam bam
done time to go to sleep. I started checking his text messages and call log
on his cell phone, as much as I didn't want to I couldn't help because being
home all day my mind wanders and I think WAY too much for my own good. So
I'm reading the text messages and he's telling her how we always fight and
how they should get together and hang out. I have a history of depression
so this sent me into a tailspin. I started crying at the drop of a hat. I
told him we have to talk. But he gets his guard up and gets nasty and
starts fighting with me. We talked and got everything out in the open. He
hasn't cheated on me, and says he NEVER would do that. Which I do believe
but like I said I am home all day and my mind gets the best of me, and I'm
glad that I found the messages because if I push him away enough than that
may drive him to the point of doing it. This past weekend he went to a wet
down and I let him go, because I usually get all bent out of shape when he
wants to go out because I RARELY get to go out myself, if I do it's with
him. I also hate when he goes cuz he never calls me and I never seem to
know if he's coming home or not. So we talked Friday he went to this thing
on Saturday. Now he normally would leave at like 9 am and say he has things
to do before he goes, but he actually stayed home until about 1 and we spent
the morning together. Then he called me 3 times that night, the last time
being to come pick him up. I did it because I told him to call me if he
needed a ride. He hangs out with this kid who is just a waste and is always
drinking and partying. I can't stand him but I let it go cuz as long as I
know my man is ok and coming home with me. We spent ALL of Sunday together,
and even cuddled that night. I'm trying to be very open with my feelings
and he's really bad at letting me know how he feels unless he's angry. But
I think he's trying to get our relationship back on track. Is that what it
seems like to you?? I just can't seem to get this pit out of my stomach, I
want to get our shit together because I am so in love with him really, and
we both just got so caught up in the stress that we drifted apart. I don't
think he would stick around if he really didn't want to try to make this
work. Am I wrong for feeling like he doesn't want to work it out with me
when he started talking to that other girl?? I want him to feel like he can
come and talk to me if he's feeling down and I don't want to be the reason
he doesn't want to come home. I want to spend the rest of my life with this
man. Everyone's telling me he needs to grow up quicker and take on
responsibility or I just need to leave and let him realize what he'll be
losing. I just really need to get over this jealousy and mistrust that I've
created in my head. It's driving me crazy. I don't really know what I'm
asking you to answer just seeking advice I guess on how to get the spark
back in our relationship, so he doesn't feel like he has to seek out other
girls.

I know this letter is all over the place, but that's how I feel right now my
emotions are out of control.
Thank you

Confused in Love.



Dear Confused in Love,

Do you feel, a bit like a yo-yo? I would and can completely understand how your emotions could run the gambit. I was 16, when I got pregnant with my first son, my husband was 22. We both thought we were so grown up and I most certainly thought he was. He did the same thing and went through Birthing classes with me, was there for his birth, cried and it was a wonderful moment in time. But it wasn't long after that, he went his merry way with his friends and so on and I stayed home, with our son. He was the one that wanted to get married, he is the one, who all along wanted to stay married. But he didn't want to work at it and he didn't realize his full responsibilty to his children.


I had two more sons and our relationship as man and wife, lasted nine years. I was sick of the partying and if I was going to be alone, I figured I might as well be completely alone. He was also very bossy and I had gone through this rite of passage, so I thought, from a girl to a woman and was not going to have some guy, who was barely there, tell me what to do.


I have regrets and of course, being able to look back, in retrospect. I wish I had handled it differently.I guess what I am saying is that, I want you to be able to work this out. Kicking him to the curb, is not the answer, although, I'm sure there are times, when you'd love to. So, what can we do? My youngest son, Waylon, just turned 26. We call him, "Johnny Appleseed," because he has fathered children with three women, already. His first child, Kassandra, will be 9 in August and he's not seen her since she was a toddler. It is partly his fault, that things are as they are but the child's mother, is a strong willed young woman and she grew tired of his shenanigans. Now, I'm sure, you didn't write me to get my life history. I tell you this because I can see a correlation and that, quite possibly, men are not as quick to realize their responsibilities as women. I say this because I can look back and see that quite often, a guy like my son and your fiance', grapple with settling down and fulfilling their obligations.

Believe it or not, a guy who is 22, doesn't really know what he wants out of life. He knows on one hand, that you are the best thing that ever walked into his life. I firmly believe he loves you, with all his heart. I also believe he knows what's good for him; You! I bet, if I asked him, who he loves, he would say you and the babies. But there is that side, that still fighting with the young and irresponsible side of himself. In one way, he wants it all, meaning you and the kids. On the other hand, it does have a trapping mechanism.

If you were to delve, deep into his mind, you'd probably find a bit of resentment and discontentment. He may never admit it but it's there. I would call him a liar, if he told me differently. But I must point out, that it is perfectly natural and many men, feel this throughout their lives. Women do too, at times. they'll stand in front of the mirror and wonder what happened to the girl they knew and the body that was once supple before childbirth. They'll even wonder what their lives might have been, had they not become pregnant, especially at an early age. That too, is natural. But we don't walk away from doing the right thing.

Men are more apt to have this crunch time, that period of questioning and our society has made it seem ok for a man to walk away from his family. Oh yea, we have our "Deadbeat Dad's" list but we do not scorn those that should be scorned, we accept it, don't we? Divorce rates continue to accumulate and we just swallow it. Sooooooooo Babz, what does all this mean to me?

Homework

I would love it, if you would read every post I've written, that has the tag, "Bitch Belt." See, I want you to have your man and happiness. I also welcome you to experience the rite of passage, from young girl to womanhood, becoming a good woman. I want you to become assertive and state your needs. I don't want you to fear, saying anything and you'd better grab that bull by the horns now or you never will. A good woman, who wears my Bitch Belt, is an assertive woman, who says what needs to be said, does what needs to be done and is fair, doing it. It is your approach, to your man, that makes all the difference. You must always respect him, if he respects you. If he doesn't you will make him. I don't want to use the word "training" and many men would be resentful, if they felt that their wife or girlfriend was trying to train them. So, we'll call it "schooling your man."

I'm sure that you've heard, "Behind every great man, is a great woman." Well, it's true and men are not born knowing it all, contrary to popular belief. No, we must school them in many departments, many aspects. They are not mind readers and often do not think as we do, nor as deeply as we do. This is why, you must state your needs. From, your love making to placing your dish in the dishwasher, men must be shown the way. But I'll say it again; it's all in the approach. If you show him respect, when you try to tell him something and do not come across as a nag, he may not put up the great wall of defense and just might hear, what you've said.

Often times, giving them, perspective on a situation, is the only answer. Most men, learn from a hands on approach If he's learning how to fix a car, he has to see it in action. They don't do well with manuals, per say or directions but what you show them, in action, will stick in their brain. Once again Babz, what in the hell are you talking about?

After you read this, you will already be a different woman. You will put on that designer Bitch Belt and become the woman, you were designed to be. You must also, face your fears. You have been sitting on your hands, biting your tongue and now, you have building resentment. I guarantee, he will continue to behave just as he has, unless you stop and face your fears.

There are several things, I noted, concerning your fears. For one, you have attempted to tell him things and how you feel but he starts a fight when you do. That is a real prize fighting tactic, hook n jive, side stepping the issue. he knows that you hate to fight. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, he comes back with a fighting stance. That's all it is and you will now see through it. You will also, not be afraid of it or afraid that you will run him off, if you do this right.

Clinical Perspective

Get up and look in the mirror. What do you see? You see an attractive young woman, do you not? Then, ask yourself; What does he see? He must respect you. You are many things to this man. You are the mother of his children, a noble cause. Rarely, do our men, see this on a daily basis. What they see, more often than not, is their wife/lover.

So, what will you do to be the best at that? You want him to continue to shop at your store, right? It takes work to make a relationship work, you must continually make him think, blow his mind, ok? It's not supposed to be, all about sex but men are hardwired, differently than women. During sex, don't let him wam bam thank ya ma'am ya. Do not fear his reaction, if you step out of yourself. Don't be the mother of twins, when you're in his bed, be a woman and demand his attention, take control, make him remember. You can do this, I know you can.

You must not nag. If you have something, that's bothering you, pick and choose your fight carefully. When and where you fight, is important. If you want to win, you must find the right time to bring things up. You tell him, you need to talk to him about some things that are bothering you. I am not telling you to tippy toe around him, dammit if somethings on your mind, you need to talk about it. And he needs to listen. You'll have to set the stage. Never ever fight in the bedroom. It must be a place of sanctuary, never filled with bad memories. Yes, it's only a room but if you can help it, never go there to discuss something that may be heated.

Put on your Bitch Belt...Ask him to sit down, when it's private and the kids are occupied. You tell him, there's a few things, even if they might seem petty, they are still bothersome. You tell him, you'd appreciate it, if he would talk with you and you do not want to argue. You say, that you are not accusing but simply letting him know how and where you stand. You then tell him, that when you bring up anything, he goes off about it and "that won't work." Now, you need to say it, just that way. You are not saying that it's not acceptable but you are stating fact. You are also taking control of the conversation and he will have to look at his behavior during discussion. You then tell him, that you want to have an adult conversation. You say this because, if he goes off, he is now aware that he is not the one having an adult conversation, right? If he gets cagey, at all during your conversation, you simply say, "I wanted to keep this on an adult level." See, you're not calling him childish but you are saying or making him painfully aware that he might not be behaving as an adult, right?

Grabbing the Bull

He must understand, his part, in what makes or breaks this relationship. But guys are different, as I said before, so you have to take a different approach.
First, you tell him, you respect him and that you can only envision being with him, for the rest of your life, that you love him and you want to trust him. Trust is paramount in any relationship. If you don't have it, you have nothing. trust is more than wondering if he's fooling around. It's trusting him with your heart and mind, emotions and your children. You tell him this and that you want to continue to respect him.
Then, you explain this simple premise; Women are given a 6th sense, an intuition. It is real enough, that it is even mentioned in the Bible, several times.
It is then, that you tell him, you do not want a response to what you are about to say. He does not need to retort or defend himself. You are making a statement, an important synopsis, as to how you feel, matter of fact;

I am not accusing you. But I am stating what and how I feel. I want you, from this day forward, to treat me, exactly as you want treated. If you do not want me to behave secretly and IM other men, you will not do it. If you do not want me running around, behaving with a single persons attitude and heart, you will not treat me, this way. The only thing that's separates us, from a legal marriage is a piece of paper. My heart is married to you. If you want me to continue to behave, as your wife, you must behave as my husband. If you want my continued respect, you must respect me and my feelings. You will not blow me or my feelings off, unless of course, you'd like me to treat you in the same respect.
If you are not happy, now or ever, you need to say so. Do not try to spare my feelings but be honest. I am not playing a game with your emotions and will not have mine played. You always have an out but you must be honest. If I no longer trip your trigger, you need only to tell me but do not fool around on me. You may not like the outcome. Now, I am a reasonable woman and I am not trying to pin you to marriage. But when a man comes home, sleeps in your bed and tells you he loves you and only you, you believe him and it is the same as a marriage. I don't need that paper right now to validate yours or my feelings but I need us to understand each other and our future. You're either in or your out and you must make up your mind. You can't have your cake and eat it too and run around one minute like your in a relationship and then the next minute, you're out and acting like you're not. Once again, I am not accusing you, I am stating how I feel. You must treat me with respect, if you want me to continue to respect you. It's that simple.

Face your fears or forever allow your life to be ruled by distrust. You could write it all down and give him the letter but make a stand. If you don't grab that bull by the horns now, you'll forever have a rough ride.