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The Matriarch

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello I am a 36 year old married mom of four children....Three here on earth and one baby that I lost

last year due to a stillbirth. I took the loss very hard and still today very hurt and just plain refuse to

have peace until I hold another baby in my arms. Of course the new baby will not replace my beautiful girl

that i lost. I lost her at 6 months along in pregancy.

I am wondering if you have a feeling of when this might be? I have a couple of health problems that can

probally be fixed with my own help. Like losing weight.

I have had a couple of dreams that imply that i will be pregnant again but do not know what to do with the dreams.

I have had a few dreams in my life that lead me in a way but i have no guidance as to how to get there.

If you have any feelings on this it would help so much.

Sincerely
Tori from Tn.



Dear Tori from Tn.,

I pray before or as I write these answers. I pray for wisdom and words but let me make it clear to you that I do not nor will I ever claim to be a psychic. I do believe that God has given me the gift of Discernment and Intuition as well as an ability to put things in some sort of perspective. I write what I feel, what the "Small, Still Voice," tells me. Other than that, well, I just want you to understand that I am not a psychic.

I'm sorry for your loss and pray for your timely healing. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you? They say that time heals all wounds but I can also imagine it's rather hard for you to see or feel that right now? Again, I pray for your healing and understanding that all things happen for a reason and our God is a merciful God. He knows what He is doing and I pray that all will be revealed to you as you heal from your loss. I pray that you realize, as well, that your child is sitting beside Jesus, cozy and loved beyond understanding. You must stand on this faith, in order to embrace your loss. Selah

As I stated in the top of this post, I try to write what that small still voice tells me. My firm belief is that it is the Spirit of God. I realize now, post haste and in retrospect that a major portion of my life could have had an alternate ending had I listened to the Spirit. But I did not listen and I fell. I fell hard but am now able to look back and see that that gentle voice was there all along. You must listen for the answer too.

It is reiterated to me over and over, as I write this to tell you what I hear. I have been thinking about all this for a couple of days and it's quite possible that I delayed answering you so I would find/hear an answer, as I do not take your question lightly. I feel your pain and I do not not presume to have an answer for you but merely suggestions...

Undivided Attention

Your days shall be filled with the joy your three children bring you. Your time and attention shall not be divided by another. These three will fulfill your expectations but there will be some struggle. Thus, you should not be taxed, your attention divided again and again. Your life will become redefined several times. It will not be easy along the way. Your energies will be tapped and health issues might drain you further. These three will need you and it will be because of you that they will become wonderful people. They may not be what the world calls or defines as success in a monetary aspect but they are and will be good, well rounded children, individuals who know they are loved. They will know the true meaning of love. They will have a complete sense of family.

You will be torn as to what is important in your life and what defines you, similar to what you are going through now. But it is these three which make your life worth living. Because you kept things in perspective, they will each, after their own journey, find a new found respect and adoration for you. With their maturity, they will begin to visit their own past with a fondness. They will not only love you but like you and enjoy your company. You will be The Matriarch...and when your days are numbered, you will be surrounded by many, many who think you are just the cats pajamas.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz




Dear T,

As you may or may not know I am pregnant. With this comes a lot of need for knowledge, which has made me search for all sorts of things pregnancy related. So I am going to try and answer your questions the best that I can, but I would strongly urge you to connect with a support group or a healer because what you have gone through is very painful, very hard, and very emotional. You do need support to come through this, and I think finding a support group would help you immensely. Losing a child at any stage is traumatic and I can understand the feeling of needing to have a baby when you were so looking forward to being a new mom again. But I will caution you, that this may not be the best time for becoming pregnant again. You may need some more time to digest what has happened and to be fully equipped mentally to face another pregnancy, which also may have complications. Only you can decide that for sure, but I would advise you to talk this over with your spouse and think about it for a little while before you rush into anything. Also, your body may not be equipped yet to handle another pregnancy. Sometimes when women undergo a D&C (I am assuming you had this done) the uterus is very strained and cannot catch or hold to a fertilized egg or embryo. So make sure that you have had a pap test and pelvic exam to ensure that your body is ready to try again. Dreams are a funny tool (some would argue) because they open our eyes to things that we want or need in our lives. And sometimes they are manifestations of things we wish were truth. Differentiating between those two things is tricky business, and it is easy to be caught up in dream world when the results are positive. But my thinking on dreams is this: they are our mind at play. Sometimes they can lead us to do the things that we need to do, but often (and I believe in this case) they are representative of things we wish we had. Dreaming positive things like this is not harmful, but taking these dreams as signs of hope can be. Please do not take this the wrong way because I know you are still in pain, but you need to get your head out of the dreams, and talk with your family doctor or a specialist about the realism of becoming pregnant again. That would be the best option. A doctor can tell you what you need to do to become pregnant, would monitor the pregnancy (especially so since you have lost a child in pregnancy) and can tell you when you need to be more careful (things like bed rest and light stress should be listened to.). I would also like to tell you of a few sites that can help you on your way in regards to the emotional side of what has happened to you and also getting pregnant again.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_coping-with-pregnancy-loss_4006.bc http://www.birth.com.au/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=30 http://www.mothers35plus.co.uk/losing.htm http://www.webmd.com/baby/pregnancy-loss-neonatal-death

I do hope the very best for you and your family. Take care of yourself, and your body.

~Xmichra.

No One Is Better

Dear Aunt B,

So theres this girl in my grade, amanda, and she literaly gets all the guys. Shes not ugly, but shes not drop dead gorgeous, if you know what i mean. She has a few extra pounds. Shes always saying how shes so self concious, but she still gets all the guys. She is 14 and has had atleast 15 boyfriends in about 3 or 4 years. I know some of them dont really count, because it was in about 5th grade but still! I can't stand her. There is this new guy in my grade who i think is wicked hot. And she is all over him. I'm so sick of it. It's so old. And he like loves her! She has alot of classes with him and i dont have any. She talks to him on myspace all the time too. What can i do to get him to talk to me? And why are all the guys in my grade obsessed with amanda? -Sick of it


Hey Sick of It,

Well, you said that she's had around 15 boyfriends in the past few years. And now you say that there's a guy that you think is really hot, and he likes her. If history repeats itself, they probably won't be together for too long. I can definitely see where you'd be sick of her always getting all the boys though. And I can definitely see where it's frustrating that she has a lot of classes with him, and you don't have any, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

To answer your questions, the first one, how can you get him to talk to you? Just talk to him. You don't need to wait for him to come talk to you, or do something that will make him talk to you. You can go talk to him, see what he's about. You can also go on MySpace or Facebook and talk to him. And if you don't have either of those, talk to him on the phone, or email. As for your second question, they're obsessed with her, well that's guys. See a beautiful girl and talk to her. And you said she's not drop dead gorgeous, but everybody has their own tastes. And maybe they all talk to her because she has a great personality. I understand where you might not see it, because all the guys are gaga over her, but to the guys, she could very well be fun to talk to and hang around.

Well, I hope I was able to answer you a little, give you a little advice, and really, all you have to do is talk to him. That's the best I can tell you, get to know him between classes. I hope it works out for you!

Peace,

mb3

Dear Sick of It,

It all comes down to how you think and act, how you carry yourself. If you feel like crap and act like you feel like crap about yourself, crap you shall be. But if you look in the mirror, adjust how you feel and realize that no one and I mean no one is better than you, you'll walk away a different person. You must always be real with yourself, improve what you can, work with what God gave you and treat others as you want them to treat you.

See, Amanda lives her life in an assertive manner. Assertive chicks get what they want. You must also become assertive. How bad do ya want it?

I would say that life and our perception of it is probably 90% fiction and 10% fact. It's all in how we perceive other people and as well as, how they perceive us. If you carry yourself with confidence, a confident young woman you shall be. You must begin to empower yourself, your reality with an understanding that, as I stated before, no one is better than you. You must begin to exude this confidence, the kind of confidence that when you walk in the room, people notice. This comes from believing in yourself. So Aunt B, how do I "empower myself?"

You've lived this long, being you and who knows you better than you? So, only you can make these life changes and only you have the power to make it happen. It's all a matter of how strongly you want it? You will not suffer for doing your homework and reading as many tags (keywords on my sidebar) concerning empowerment. I have 21 posts with the label "Empowerment," 8 on empowerment advice and 19 on empowerment practices. Please read some of these and begin to redefine yourself.

I believe every word of what I write. As well, I once was a young woman with an awful sense of self-esteem. It took me years to figure out that no one was better than me. It took me years to understand that I am three people;

I am who you think I am,
I am who I think I am,
I am who I really am.

You may be whomever you choose to be. This is true even if you really felt ugly, not so bright, not the funniest person or whatever. It all depends on how you choose to carry yourself. You see that Amanda is not the prettiest thing to walk down the pike yet she's able to get the guy. Why is that? It is because she believes in herself.

The secret is; Once you begin to see what it is that I'm talking about, once you begin to believe in it and are willing to set goals for your own self-esteem, well, G-Friend, you are gonna RULE!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Fight Potion #7

Dear Aunt B,

There is this girl, Samantha, 2 grades below me and she seriously hates me. Okay so this is how it all started: I was going out with this guy named connor, and she liked him at the same time. I wasn't obsessed with connor, but idk i guess i liked him. So she was determined to break us up. So she created this ridiculous and embarassing text message about me and showed it to him when she was hanging out with him and a bunch of people at the movies. Apparently he didn't believe it because thats what he told me. Samantha is friends with my friends so i dont know what to so, like should i do something back? Should i ignore her? And apparently she wants to "fight" me. I dont fight because i dont think it solves anything i dont feel like being at war with this 12 year old. She has connections to some pretty scary people and i dont want to get involved with her. And her friend Chynna is going out with my best friend Nick. She also hates me, because she thinks i like Nick, which i dont. So there are two girls, again both younger than me that hate me and idk what they are going to do next, what should i do?




Hey There,

Oh no, she shouldn't hate you! Hate's not cool! Well, first thing, yeah, don't fight her. Kids these days, and you said she's got some scary connections, if you fight her, she's going to bring her little clique with her and they'll most likely jump in against you. And plus, she's two grade's younger than you, that's not going to look good for you no matter what. And plus, like you said, fighting doesn't really solve anything. Well, you said she's 12, and two grades younger than you. So I'm guessing she's in about 7th grade, and you're in 9th?

IF you two go to the same school right now, and I don't know that you do, but if you do, you two will likely be at different schools soon. But that's in the long run, for now, there's still quite a ways left in school. And, people forget things. And if/when it gets proven that she made up those text messages, and you say it doesn't bother you, then she comes out to be the mean person in this. Of course she'll deny it, but for one thing the pressure will be on her when people start asking her about it, and she'll get caught up in one of her lies eventually. You see what I'm saying? And meanwhile, while she's trying to explain to people why she lied, you won't have any explaining to do about anything, because you never did anything wrong in the first place (ie starting rumors about her, fighting, etc;).

That's another thing, don't start rumors about her either. That doesn't turn out well ever. And for the rumors that she started, I already said how people will forget about them. But also, as long as your good friends know the truth about you, it's not as bad if the people that believe these rumors are people you don't even know.

You're not going out with Connor anymore right? Well, you can't do anything about it, but she should really apologize, but it's not like you can force her to. And plus, if you don't even go out with him anymore, I don't get why she would want to fight you still. I know that it's frusterating that she created the rumor about you with her text message, but really there's nothing much you can do about it. You said Samantha hates you, and that's a life lesson kind of, because no matter what, not everybody's going to like you, even if it's just for the sake of not liking you.

There's really nothing you can do about her creating that text, because she already created it. If/when somebody asks you about it, you tell the truth, and that's that she made it up. It will pass over time though, I promise :). And for your friend Nick and his girl Chynna; Unfortunatly she'll bad mouth you to Nick, that's inevitable.

But a couple different things this could work out good for you. One is that since you and Nick are best friends, she'll bad mouth you enough to him that he'll get sick of her talking bad about his best friend (you) and dump her, especially if you don't constantly talk bad about her. And two is, well, he's your best friend, so he shouldn't ever turn on you and leave with her. As long as you and Nick know there's nothing between you two, then you should be ok. And maybe just try to be cool with Chynna, talk to her, maybe you'll get along.

Ok, the last thing you wrote was that you're concerned about what they might do next. That's tough because people are unpredictable. There is no reason for them to do anything. Especially Samantha, because you're not with Conner anymore (right?). If you are afraid of what they'll do, there's no shame in going to your parents, and telling them that you're a little frightened, the only problem there is if kids find out, then they'll possibly give you a hard time. Which is unfortunate, but kids can be cruel.

I would suggest not trying to fight them or anything, don't do anything that would give them a reason to want to do something to you. They're a couple years younger than you so I'm thinking if you just try to ignore them, they might forget about you. Of course, not Chynna, since she thinks you like Nick. You are still entitled to hang out with him, because you are friends, but just try to avoid Chynna and Samantha, don't look scared, but just avoid them. My only fear is you said they hang out with some dangerous people, and kids these days hang out with big groups and think they're tough, so they gang up on people, and I don't want them to gang up on you. My best advice is just to avoid them the best you can, and as long as your best friends know the truth, I wouldn't worry about what a bunch of other people think.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you any better advice on the last part, and I'm really sorry that Samantha made up rumors about you, I really hope it all works out for you! I hope I was able to help you out, at least a little, and I wish you the best of luck! Peace.

mb3


Dear Friend,

I agree with mb3 on many levels. He has given you some great advice, the very best is to avoid them as much as possible, as well, as taking the stance that you as well as your BF's know the truth and that's all that really matters.

Nothing gets around better than word of mouth. This is true in big business advertising as well as personal matters. You start spreading the news that you are, "too mature to be reduced to fighting some girl." See, by stating this, someone who still dwells on fighting will have to think to themselves, "Hey, am I acting maturely about this?"

I was a fighter in school. I never started them, only finished the fight. So, I know all about all the bull that goes along with some chick who goes around trying to solve her issues with fear. You just have to get the word out that "you have better things to do with your time than to fight some chick who is obviously bored with her life and must create chaos to jazz it up."

Those exact words, must be used. They are my very own Fight Potion #7 and I can just about guarantee they'll work as well as Love Potion #9


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Still Stickin' To Your Guns!

This is an Updated and New question To Xmichra from the past post Stick To Your Guns


Hi Xmichra,

I never heard back from you...was hoping you would have some more insight and advice for me. Last time you were so right on the mark with your feedback. I went back and read your post every time I thought that I might weaken and not take action on leaving the relationship I was in. You were a lifesaver, I know that now. Since the time that I sent you my email on August 10th my ex was arrested for Grand Theft and the D.A. is charging her with the crime. It won't heal the hurt she left behind but it will hold her accountable for her actions. She kept attempting to contact me after the restraining order was in place, but after I reported it several times and the police contacted her, it has been quiet for a while now. At times I struggle with not letting what happened eat me up, it's hard to get over betrayal and lies, especially when I spent so many years in a relationship with her. I am grateful to be out of the relationship and to have my life back again, but none-the-less the process of healing is painful and slow. I know from your website that you're not feeling well right now, but when you feel better I would love it if you had some follow up advice/insight you could share with me. If you're really not up to it, I understand, then perhaps someone else at "Ask Aunt Babs" might want to help me out and share some insight with me.

Thanks so much,
"I Stuck to my Guns"

Dear “I stuck to my guns”

First, let me say how pleased I am that you are finally out of that relationship. I know that it has been really hard on you this past year, but from the tone of your most recent e-mail I really do feel as though you are on a better, healthier path (for reference you can read the first post here: http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/08/stick-to-your-guns.html ).

I was heartbroken reading the section about your stolen jewelry. I know how hard that must have been for you (having pieces from your mother be stolen like that) and you were right. You were in a state of grieving, and that made the loss that much harder to deal with. People sometimes forget that inanimate objects do hold memories, and when you thought that they were temporarily missing (from your ex taking them) you didn’t think that they would be gone forever. So seeing the pawn slips, in effect is much like seeing a death certificate. It is grounding and hard to take in. I am happy that you were able to recover one of those pieces though, sounds like the pawnbroker was a good man.

Second, I also would like to pat you on the back for involving the law. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t have, and I strongly believe that if you hadn’t things would be far worse for you. That constant feeling of being watched is not pleasant, and it is something that will not go away if you do not put consequences in the way. So I am very happy that you did what you have (in terms of restraining orders and pressing charges). Another piece of this is that if the charges to indeed stick, the police may be forced to look for your stolen property and issue warrants for receivership to the pawn shops your ex used to get those items back. Hopefully that is the way they will go with that issue.

You are going to go through a rough transition period (you know this already) because of the grieving and also because of the strain this relationship put on you. No matter if you have solved the problem; your head will like to play games with you. What I mean by this, is that you will find it hard to trust, hard to rely on people and hard to deal with what happened to you because this was a very bad thing to have happened. So with this, I am especially glad that you have sought out therapy, because these are issues that do not go away over time if they are left. These types of issues do fester and become worse if left to their own devices. Again, I am very glad you are seeking help on a professional level.

The process of healing is slow and can sometimes be painful. But please remember that you have endured the worst part – living the actual life of it. You have made your way through the thick of the mud, and you are clean from that now. You have a lot of life left to enjoy the things that you love, and the ability to love again. Hold on to those things, they are not small. In fact, it is pretty much the secret to life (if I may get all pearl of wisdom here!), being able to live and enjoy its pleasures. Trust me on this one, every single guru in this world will tell you the same (not that I am a guru of course, but you catch my meaning).

If I may add a little more advice here, and this is cautionary but not meant to be fearful. But if your ex isn’t in prison, you may want to invest in a security devise for your home and vehicle if you haven’t done so already. This is more for security sake, even though you are in a secure building. She has already proven her skill at getting around those things, and you just never know the extent of someone in her frame of mind. So if you haven’t already done this, I would advise it.

Another piece of advice I would give, is don’t be too hard on yourself. I know first hand how hard it can be after being in a relationship of lies and deception, to not blame yourself for not seeing the problem. But the truth of the matter is that some people are manipulators and no matter if you are the most genius person on the face of the planet, a good manipulator can manipulate you. Do not fault yourself for wanting to love someone. Do not fault yourself for wanting to trust someone. These are emotions that are good and meant to be shared. And you will find someone able to reciprocate them in a positive manor.

I hope that you are indeed doing and feeling better. And once again, I congratulate the courage it took to re-claim your life.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

Something To Think About; Bless This Child

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

It's All In The Approach

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is G****** and im e-mailing you because i feel like a have a million problems. First of all my family life sucks. My dad is a great guy but he is super bipolar and it scares me alot. Then my little sister is always trying to make my life impossible. Last but not least my mom and i do not get along at all. I want to tell her all my problems but i feel like she wont understand. She has never been the type of mom who you can tell anything to. Then there is the school issue. I was a straight A student last year and now my grades are going down. This scares me because my dad says that i have to get A's. I can't tell my mom how bad im doing because she'll tell my dad. The next thing is boys. I would love to be in love but i just don't think that love is for me because i have so many things going on. I'm the type of girl that just expects prince charming to come walking through the door and i know thats not doing to happen. I'm so confused about everything and i feel like im going to explode. Please help me. I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear G******,

O.K. G, first off, slow your row and stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone when it comes to feelings such as yours, as well as feeling like you can't communicate with your parents. That is an age old story. Not to say that your feelings are not real or valid. They are very real and I completely understand. I felt the same way but now I can look back and see that in every instance, every single circumstance, every minute of the day, I had choices I was just unable to see. You have them too, remember this.

I can clearly remember how I felt as a teenager and I too, often felt as if I could explode. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. You can't see it but I can. I know what's going on and it(been there, done that) is a classic case of hormones, growing from a girl to a woman and all that good stuff in between. It's not always pleasant, these feelings and emotions but I do urge you to try not to over analyze things...

I can already tell that you are a highly intelligent gal and an extremely deep thinker. You tend to think about things, sometimes to the point it makes you sick to your stomach. Before the problem even presents itself, you anticipate the outcome as well as worry about what you should do or how you should react. You tend to think with your mind instead of your heart and sway to asking yourself how you feel about any given situation. What I mean is that I'd bet that you often say to yourself, "I should feel" such and such, when the feelings don't come natural because you think about it before you allow yourself to feel just about anything/everything. It's a sense of detachment from yourself, a safety measure you instilled a long time ago. I don't know why this is but I can just tell. From emotional pain to emotional happiness, you have a sort of delayed reaction, first asking yourself just "how should I feel."

People like us, yes I said "us" tend to over analyze every thing someone says to anticipation of any circumstance. Instead of just going with the flow we tend to stop the flow and think about it first. We worry way too much, worry and wonder, worry and wonder till it makes us physically sick. This will affect you in future relationships, as well as situations if you do not become aware of it. A conscience awareness to just feel instead of thinking about it all first, is or should be a goal.

I think you are over thinking the ability to speak with your Mom as well. Now, right this very minute, you are saying, "but Aunt B you just don't understand," are you not? My Mom was a witch with a capital "B" and I can look back and remember how severely apprehensive, out and out scared I was about talking to her about anything. I always anticipated the very worst and basically ended up shutting down all forms of communication with my own Mother.

It's All In The Approach

Right now, you feel as if your Mom has no idea what you are going through. And she'll never know until you decide to sit her down and break the chain of events, as well as the lack of communication and anticipation of the very worst. What you fail to realize is that your Mom went through, possibly not the exact things you went through but I guarantee she had similar experiences. But more importantly, you possess the power, the choice to change this situation, this very relationship with your Mom as it now exists. You have a choice, oh yes you do. Mark my words. Now read that again!

You ask for an audience with your Mom. You tell her that you really need to talk with her and ask when it's a good time. Wait till you know she's not busy and can give you her full attention. Maybe even wait till your Dad's not home. You might feel less apprehensive, more open if Dad's not even in the house. Then, you say these exact words;

"Mom, if I can't talk to you, if I can't trust you, who can I talk to or trust?"


We choose our words, those words very carefully for a reason. By saying that exact phrase, Mom would have to quickly look at and deduce that the lines of communication between the two of you needs to be open and maintained. If it's not open and you felt you couldn't come to her for guidance, then really what kind of relationship do you have? Now, I know, as I said, that you are a deep thinker so I have all the confidence in the world that can pull this off. You think before you speak, think before you even go to Mom.

You ask Mom if you can confide in her? Tell her your feelings are very private and you will not tell her everything unless she will keep it all in confidence. See, somewhere along the line, through all these years, you've grown apart from your Mom. That is almost a natural event, most of us girls go through. Then we get to the age where we believe our Mom's can't understand and don't know diddly squat. We might even think they're pretty stupid and they sure don't know what's happening.

This breakdown in the communication lines is usually the fault of both parties, you as well as your Mother. But it doesn't have to be this way and as I stated before, you possess the power to change it. I'm not saying by sitting down with your Mom that it will make you two best friends. But I do believe that even at your age, you have far more choices and power than you realize you possess.

So, you sit her down and you talk to her. What's the absolute worst thing that could happen from that? Test the waters. Only tell her a little bit at first with the understanding that she's to keep it all under her hat and not tell your father. Then little by little you talk to her. Tell her, "Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship, I need to know that I can come and talk to you."

Let her know that you are trying in school but it has become difficult. I might also suggest going to your school guidance counselor and unloading especially if you are apprehensive about talking to your parents. Let them know that you are having a hard time. That's what tutors are for. People who have problems in school will keep their problems until such time as they reach out and let people know that they are having a hard time. Remember that no one is perfect, including myself. We all have strong points as well as weak spots. You just might need a little support system. But no one will know you are having a hard time until you let them know how you really feel and seek help. By the way, there's not a darn thing wrong with asking for help, it's only wrong when you don't ask and allow yourself to fall.

As far as your love life is concerned, "Good things come to those that wait." Concentrate on you right now. Get yourself strong inside as well as out and all will be well in your world. Prince Charming? Hah, there's no such thing, it is a fairy tale but there is a guy out there who will give you his world, including his last name but you must first work on you, getting your mind right and then he will notice you. It will be your beautiful smile that will catch his attention. Not a forced grin but that warm and genuine smile you have just waiting to show itself again.




Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Tough Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

My adult son and his girlfriend have new cars and several pets and have not worked in 3 months and now are on the verge of not having a place to live. they need money now should i give them some? i am on a fixed income and hardly able to make my own payments. should i try to find them money from someone else. they live in a different state so i don't know anyone where they live.

Dear Friend,
I have mixed emotions on this just as you do. Our children own our hearts and it hurts us to see them suffer in any way, doesn't it?

Two wrongs never make a right, do they? What I mean is this; If you give them money, you will also suffer the consequences of it all and they will not feel anything but a cushion from the experience. They might need to learn a few things here, such as living within their means. That means not having Champagne taste on a beer budget. They may need to learn that in a tight situation comes a point where you must lower your standards and do what you have to do to make ends meet. If that entails working at a job that is less than their own expectations, in example, working at McDonald's when they'd rather work at a fine dining restaurant, then sometimes we just gotta do what we just gotta do.
Tough Love

I don't know about you but I've had to learn all these things myself, often times, the hard way. As well, I had to work, "beneath my own standards," to make ends meet and to care for my children as a single mother. My husband died when my kids were little. I really had no marketable skills although in my mind, I was valuable. But if you do not have that paper, you know the one that says you have a degree in this or that, without that paper, you are only valuable in your own mind. Until you prove otherwise. Actually, until you are given the opportunity to prove your value, you must often times start in an entry level job and work your way up the ladder.
Tough Love

I know that you hurt for them. I know that under no uncertain terms do you ever want them to suffer. But it is detrimental to their development to dig themselves out with nothing more than your gentle guidance. Possibly you could give them some ideas as to how to acquire the money themselves but don't do it for them. No, they must walk through their own fire to become forged into productive and learned citizens.
Tough Love

Now, if it comes down to them being kicked out and the very worst case scenario is they have to go to a shelter, it won't kill them. In fact it may spur them on to get out of that situation and to find a job doing whatever it takes to keep themselves in a home, food on the table and provide for their pets.
Tough Love

By you handing them money, you are delaying the inevitable;

I guaran damn tee you. Yes, it is a case of being between a rock and a hard place for you both. And the bare facts are that you can not give them enough money to put a dent in their situation. It will only pull you down as well. Possibly, you can relay that you will send them gas money to get to look for a job in their new cars but you can not do anything more than that.
Tough Love

It is not selfish on your part to not just hand them money, just in case you are toying with that emotion. It would actually be irresponsible for you to just send them money fully knowing that it's only going to cause you to get behind on your own bills. You can't save the world on a fixed income, now can you? You can however use this situation as a teaching tool, as well as to pray for them. Again, I suggest that you give them careful guidance and emotional support.
Tough Love

Speak to them and let it be known that you will ask some questions, simply to guide, not to indict or point the finger. Let it be known that you only want to help not hinder. Ask them why they have not been able to find a job in 3 months? Now, I don't know the situation as to their qualifications and so on but they must look at what placed them in this precarious situation?
Tough Love

I assume that they both had jobs in order to obtain new cars, as well as have an apartment or home of their own right? What caused them to lose that job? What was the behavior that caused this onset of drastic measure? Even more importantly; what have they done to get themselves out of it, since they lost their jobs?
Tough Love

I have a firm belief that people that can't find a job don't want a job badly enough. I have a firm belief that if you want to work badly enough, you'll find a way. I have a firm belief that as soon as a person realizes that help will not find them, they must seek it out and stop sitting on their laurels, in hopes that someone, maybe even you will come along and save them, nothing good will happen. In other words, poop or get off the pot, stop bitching and do something and especially, stop playing the victim.
Tough Love

See my friend, it's called enabling if you just hand them money, especially when it is going to harm you in one way or another. Yes, you will both suffer for the action; they will not learn from it and you will only buffer things for a minute and you will get behind on your affairs. You will actually be doing more harm than good to/for both of you.
Tough Love

My advice to you is to speak with them concerning a game plan. You might possibly suggest that they both find a job, any job before it's too late. You might suggest that they turn in their new cars and get an older one? You might suggest that they could move in with friends or family in their State until they find work. You could suggest calling the Salvation Army or Catholic Charities, in their area for possible resources available. There may not be too many if they are considered capable of working but they might steer them in the right direction. They might even contact their Department of Welfare for such things as emergency Food Stamps and so on.
Tough Love

That last paragraph is actually somewhat of a test. If they tell you, "Oh, we couldn't possibly do any of those things," then they surely have what I commonly refer to as a "Big Feeling Attitude," a BFA. Their Pride will be there own demise. And they most assuredly need to look in the mirror, assess the situation and their lives, dig out and learn from it. Don't cushion the fall; don't enable bad behaviors but most of all "Let Go & Let God." If you are a believer, pray fervently for their safe passage, doors to be opened and life lessons to be learned.
Tough Love


No, life doesn't always deal the cards fairly, does it? Some of us struggle to make it in this world. And some of us have had nothing handed to us. But the very best of the best in this life have had to work hard for everything we have. We sure appreciate the little things as well and take nothing for granted. We came to realize that there is no such thing as a hand out or free lunch. We came to understand that other than God, we are absolutely alone in this world and must fend for ourselves. And just to put it into perspective...what if you were no longer with us, what would they do?

Here, let me answer that for you; they would go out, one or both of them, find the first job they could whether it felt a bit demeaning or not, work hard for that paycheck that will come within two weeks and pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. They would also appreciate that money and begin to live within their means. Yes, it's some hardcore tough love to the 9th power but when the day comes that you are looking down from the heavens, you will know that your son was taught well and will be alright. He'll then pass on these good values and beliefs to your Grandchildren and all will be well.

With age comes wisdom, does it not? I will pray for your calm assurance.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Playing With Fire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt Babz,

So i'm 22 years old and I moved in with my aunt and her boyfriend whom i've known for a long time and consider my uncle pretty much. He also has a 13 year old daughter who at first I thought of as a little sister, but as time went by it became more. I started to become attracted to her. I actually think I'm falling for her kind of. She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!! I mean it's not like twisted or perverted or anything. It's not just physical attraction and I would never try and take advantage but I think she knows I feel this way and SHE takes advantage of it. Always getting real close and stuff like that. I really don't know what I should do. I actually almost get a little jealous of her little boyfriends. I can't go anywhere else to live right now because I don't have the means but this situation is really stressing me out and making me feel guilty and weak and a whole bunch of other stuff. So any advice you could give me would be awesome. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because it's just way too embarrassing.



Dear Friend,

I can see your dilemma perfectly. I can also understand it and your situation. I grew up in the 70's and quite frankly I was what they commonly call a "dick tease." Even at the age of 12, when I lost my virginity, I knew how to use my sexuality. I knew how to swing my hips and bat my eyes to get attention.

Yes, girls her age know how to work it. The problem as I'm sure you are aware is the fact that at that age, they don't realize they're doing something terribly wrong. Life altering wrong. Your life altering wrong.

I'm sure you are also aware of the laws concerning her age. It's a terrible thing to have to be classified as a sexual offender for the rest of your life because some pretty young thing was throwing herself at you and your Johnson has no conscience.

Yes, for the rest of your natural born life, you'd have to register where ever you lived and for the millionth and one time, tell people/employers/friends/girlfriends that you did not rape some girl, you just couldn't control your desires when she threw it in your face. It's no joke and she should scare the living crap out of you.

See, at her age, she thinks she's a woman. She probably has the body of a woman and in your own words,

"She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!!"

This all leads me to believe you've tried to rationalize it all or possibly put it into perspective. You've also considered justifying this whole thing, a premise you'd better be real careful about.

You'd have a long time to wait till she's of age. Now, ask yourself; are you willing to wait? If you don't wait and you follow through with your desires, it could really blow up in your face. The fact still remains though, that although she feels like a woman, looks like a woman and acts like a woman, a woman she is not. Remember this.

I don't think a lot of guys realize it but a girl as young as she is, may think they are mature enough to make a decision such as giving themselves to a man in a sexual situation. But they are not mature enough. They may give themselves freely, in what appears to be a consensual sexual stance. But they are not mature enough.

Most of all, when you are standing in front of the Judge and you exclaim, "Well Your Honor, it was her idea, she consented, in fact, she pursued me," he's still gonna throw the book at you. He's going to look you in the face, right before he sentences you and he states that you were the adult, you were the one who should've known better and you were the one who should've said "NO."

Now, don't think I am condemning you or looking down my nose as I completely understand what's going on here. I do have three sons and just as I'm telling you, I would say the same things to them. I would also kick them in the ass if they followed through with this exact scenario. OK son, let me tell ya a little story of what's gonna happen, if you let this pretty young thing get the best of you. Listen and listen closely, my Dear because what I tell you is gonna happen, if you do not tippy toe around her;

So, you think you've got some hardcore feelings for her. Ain't that sweet? She is cute as hell and built like a woman, a real looker. She's real sweet on you too, ain't that special? Oh, so you say it's not just about the sex, you think she's all that, mature for her age and all. But let me let ya in on a little secret; When she gets you behind closed doors, when the timing is exactly right and she puts the moves on you, yea, she's gonna do the whole seduction scene guaranteed, well son, you'll be the one who's screwed.

If we start at the top, in the first act of this Play we'll call, "Playing With Fire,"we'll simply hope that she doesn't get pregnant. Then, you'll not be able to deny that you slept with her. Nope, there's no getting outa this one, Sweetie. You'll not only be forced into parenthood, long before you're ready(and when would you ever be ready?)but now they're gonna garnish your wages no matter where you try to hide.The money you make will hardly be enough for you to live on much less take care of your new child.

The second act is one where she gets vindictive or she matures enough and flips the script. She sees that you were the adult and you should've known better. She sees it that you took advantage of her. She was just a girl. Now, she's decided to go to the authorities and tell them all about your little love affair. Yep, she'll teach you a lesson and you'll never do that again to any other young thing. And guess what; all these years later, she has the right to report it and you damn skippy, yes, you can and will be charged with a sexual offense.

The third act is my own prediction. My Intuitions tell me that you'll fall head over heels for this girl. You'll do your damnedest to wait but it's a beautiful thing when she offers herself to you. She'll fall in love with you but she's real fickle, temperamental, moody and you'll grow tired of the immature games. You'll want to break up, move on, date a woman. When you break up with her, she's make it clear that she'll tell that you had sex, a good ol case of Statutory Rape and she's gonna use it against you.

You are playing with fire! And you will get burned Darlin'!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hello,

Ok, first of all, you're 22 and she's 13. She's still got a lot of growing to do, even if she is mature for her age. That's just too much of a difference at both of your respective ages. There's plenty of girls your age that you should go for instead. As far as you becoming attracted to her, just be careful, you know? You think of her as kind of your little sister, you wouldn't want to be like that with your sister right? And think about it, if your aunt and her boyfriend were to get married someday, his daughter would be your cousin! You have to be real with her, and if she really is taking advantage, you got to tell her straight up that you can't be together, and you two are basically family. For real, there are plenty of girls out there your age, go for a girl closer to your age. Plus man, I'm not 100% certain, but I believe it's illegal for an over 18 year old to be with someone younger than 18. And by the time she hits 18, you'll be 27, just imagine your differences there. Just curious, but do you have any other aunt's or uncle's you can live with? And hey, if you were to get with a girl closer to your age, then maybe you could live with her, and it won't be as uncomfortable living with your aunt's boyfriend's daughter, because I can definitly understand where that would be an uncomfortable situation for you.

So yeah man, I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that in my opinion, you should definitely stay clear of trying to be in a relationship with her, and find a girl your age, because I definitely think that will get your mind off of her as well, and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she cuddles up to you. I really just can't see where it would be healthy for you two to be together. I mean, she's only 13 and thus really kind of doesn't exactly know what she wants right now either, I'm pretty sure.

So man, I hope I was a little help for you, and I do hope everything works out for you!

mb3