GO FOR IT!

Hi Aunt B

I have never used a site like this before or even advice columns in the past.

I am English but live in Europe (3 hour flight).
I met a guy a couple of years ago through mutual friends.
During the first year he came to visit his friends quite often
And we always had a good time
During the second year he didnt come to visit but we kept in touch via email
I have just returned from a holiday in the UK
Where I had a night out with this bloke
We had a fantastic time and he said he would come to visit soon
I have been humming & haing over returning to England for several months
I feel I should make this decision for myself regardless of what may or may not happen with this guy
But should I discuss it with him before hand?
I would like to see more of him if I did return to England
But have no idea if he feels the same way
Is it acceptable to just ask where I stand with him?
Should I hang fire until he visits and discuss this in person?
I am so confused right now I feel like a teenager again (im in my 30's)
Any advice gratefully received.

Dear Reader,

I don’t think there is ever a problem asking where you stand with someone. So I don’t see why you should have to wait. What ever is said in person would be said in e-mail. But that is entirely up to you on how you would prefer to receive a message (and your Bloke too). So use your better judgment on that.

Maybe with that you would be able to better reason if you should move. I am pretty sure that anyone reading this is going to be shocked that I am not telling you to not move. But in all reality, if you are comfortable in England, can get a job, a place to live, and have a support system… why the hell not? I mean, most of us move around with our spouses anyways. And generally speaking it is relatively soon after marriage. So who’s to say that it wouldn’t work out for you? Not me. I think that if you really want to try for something to go for it.

If this were a great life-changing job I would scream GO FOR IT! So why not a chance at once in a life time love?

You are right though, what ever decision you make you need to think of the down side just a tad. So you do need to make sure you can support yourself, and that you can be happy without Europe beneath your feet. Some people get really sad and home sick for a place, even if it isn’t their origin. Simply living in a different place and loving it can make you feel more at home then anywhere else in the world. So if that is the case you may be taking a he risk, which could affect how you feel about your life, with or without the bloke in it.

So be sure to weigh your thoughts and feelings. But If you think that “moving for a guy” is stupid, don’t. You have only chances to take in this life, and sometimes the best and most wonderful things in life come from acting on a chance that seems so foolish.

Good luck girl, and let us know what you decided okay?

~Xmichra~

Aunt Babz Said,

I had to add my two cents and as well, give my opinion. One side of me used to be old school, where we sit and wait for the man to call or ask us out and so on but I also believe that the world's good is done because of strong women. I agree with Xmichra. Join the ranks and Go For It! I will welcome you to the Secret Society of Assertive Women. Yes, we get what we want, in an assertive manner. We get what we need; honestly, fairly and justly without digging our stiletto into everybody's toes. (But we sure can if provoked, right???)

It stands to reason that this fella is not a mind reader nor can you read his mind, right? So asking him is reasonable but I imagine it is all in the way you go about asking. No, you don't want to seem too forward or presumptuous, nor do you want to make him feel the heat or feel hemmed in.

I happen to believe in the art of words. I believe we should, by all means, say what needs to be said, often times before it is too late. The world will/would be a better place if we said what needs to be said, to the ones we love, care about and are even considering as a life partner. Don't you agree?

Now, in order for you to be able to live by this creed, you must have the ability to put things into perspective. By this, I mean, you must first think before you speak, always. This is important as your words will be valuable if you think first, weigh your thoughts and then speak.

Then, you must be able to play the tape out, in your head from beginning to end, meaning, if you ask a question, just like any good attorney, you'll want to know what you believe the answer will be. As well, you'll want to know, any other form of a possible/plausible answer. What I'm tying to say is rather simple; if you are asking a risky question, one which takes heart, courage to ask, you know the kind where you're going out on a limb, similar to the one you want an answer to with this guy. You care so much about him, obviously and you'll want to have played that tape out with all the possible answers you might get. Yes, it could be a multitude of answers and you must prepare yourself for each and every one, every explanation you may get. This keeps you from setting yourself up for failure, see? It's only going to feel like failure if you get an answer you'd not already anticipated. As well, it might sting if you get an answer you didn't expect or rehearse in your mind ahead of time. Capish???

See, in life, if we are brutally honest with ourselves, you know, we see ourselves for who we really are, good and bad and we live within the confines of Personal Accountability, life, all elements thereof change. This means we admit when and where we are wrong and we do our best to make amends, right a that wrong and we do our damnedest to live a righteous life, we become "Untouchable." Now Aunt Babz, what does that mean?

To be Untouchable means that you take the sting out of words meant to harm you. Who or what words can possibly hurt you, if you've already confronted your own shortcomings? You also control the skeletons in your closet. Yes, if you live your life honestly, even past mistakes can't hurt, if brought up. By the way, mistakes are only mistakes, if we've not learned from them. When we have "lived and learned" they are no longer mistakes but learning experiences. There is a huge difference.

When you are Keeping It Real, words I close every post with, we will welcome you into that Secret Society of Assertive Women.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

A No Strings Heartache

Dear Aunt B,

Recently i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 months.Now, 2 months later, i find myself hooking up with him every weekend. My friend who is really good friends with my ex talked to him about this and he says he still really loves me he just didnt like it when we were going out and i dont know why. i dont think i can take much more of this hooking up and knowing that he is not mine anymore and could do this with other girls. i want him back so badly but just dont know how to do it. should i confront him with what i think and tell him how i feel or should i just sit back and wait and let him come to me? Please help i really hate feeling so hurt.

Truly Yours,

Gabrielle

Dear Gabrielle,

For sure you should confront him. It’s quite plain that he still has feelings for you, but you need to find out if that is enough for you.

Maybe he is the kind of guy who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Or maybe he feels like he isn’t ready to be too serious. Or maybe he wants no strings so he can have other girls on the side. Who knows, until you ask.

But whatever his deal is, you need to figure out what you need too. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship I would seriously consider severing ties. Why? Because you want something different and will continue to be hurt because he doesn’t want a relationship. It is truly a horrible feeling to love someone and to be hurt constantly by that person. Especially when it isn’t their fault (like having a no strings sexual relationship, he is free to see other women and that would hurt you).

But not saying anything could really damage what you have because if you wait too long he might just think that this is the perfect arrangement. Besides, wouldn’t you just rather know??

Sit down and talk with him one night. And know what you are capable of giving and what you are able to live with.

Good luck!

~Xmichra~

Listen to Yourself

Editors Note; It is my pleasure to have Mary answer a question once again. Mary is our resident, "Sexpert." She has her finger on the pulse of Sexual Addiction and is best suited for this type of question. While Xmichra seems to answer the bulk of questions we get every week and works extremely hard at giving the best advice online, we do realize that Mary is not able to answer as many questions as Xmichra does. Hopefully, you, the Reader will appreciate it, as we do, when Mary is able to answer a question. Here at Ask Aunt Babz, we do our damnedest, within the confines of our schedules; work, family and so on, (yes, things have been delayed due to my recent move)to take the time to answer, each and every question posed to us. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Xmichra and Mary for all their time and talent in addressing these pressing issues. I hope you, as well, "The Reader" will appreciate the fantastic job, these ladies and gentleman, do to unselfishly give of their time to help you gain some perspective, opinion and hopefully supportive answers.



Dear Aunt Babz,

I found this via a link on the "Room of Mama's Own"

website and I hope I can have an honest answer from a

smart lady (or ladies) who knows firsthand about

having a sex addict as a partner.

I've just discovered that my fiance has been

sleeping with prostitutes since we've been engaged. I

am so devastated. I knew he had a porn addiction,

which has always caused tension in the relationship,

and this was always what I feared would eventually

happen. The funny thing is, I can't decide whether or

not to call off the wedding. I thought I would

instantly if he ever betrayed me like this. I feel

something must be wrong with me. We are supposed to

get married in 6 months, and due to visa requirements,

whatever decision I make is really going to have to be

final - no "postponing" the wedding, no canceling the

visa application then changing my mind.

I guess what I really need to know is, from ladies

who stayed to work things out, is the roller-coaster

of recovery, relapse, lies that I worry I will be in

for should we marry REALLY worth it. Is there

something wrong with me if I don't leave him? If your

partners' revelations had come in the countdown to

your wedding instead of years later once

kids/home/happy memories were in the picture, would

you have gone ahead? Knowing what you know now, would

you have walked down the aisle, or looked for another

partner?

I love my fiance so much. I don't think I will ever

find anyone else I will love as much as him. I

understand this is an addiction and he's not evil, but

I'm in excruciating pain, and I never want to feel

this way again. I've been trying to do the COSA thing

since i learned about the porn addiction 2 years ago,

but it doesn't speak to me. All of these women, and

those I met through my fiance's old therapist, seem

either sad and drained, spending as much energy

'detaching' as they would "controlling", or bitter

and, having left their partners, feeling that that is

what everyone should do. My fiance's therapist says

his prognosis is good, but this is a massive gamble to

take. I can't talk to anyone I know about this. I'd

appreciate any insight you could give me.

thank you,

Anonymous


Mary Said


Dear T,

Since you found your way to Ask Aunt B through a link from my blog, A Room of Mama's Own, you already know that my husband, like your fiancé, is a sex addict. You are facing such a difficult decision already. I'm sorry the visa situation is adding pressure to that.

A good friend of mine taught me that when I'm asking for advice, I should listen to myself and ask the question "What answer do I want to hear?" The answer to that question tells you which path you feel ready to follow.

If you wrote here wanting me to tell you that you're not crazy and it's ok to marry him, then marry him: it's possible that marriage to a recovering sex addict can work and be loving and fulfilling. If you wrote here wanting me to convince you that you really shouldn't, then don't: marriage to a sex addict, even one in recovery, is difficult and painful. If you really aren't sure what you wanted, don't make a decision now. You still have some time. Wait and be still, Listen to Yourself and you'll know what to do. I can't guarantee that the choice you make will lead to happiness. I can't guarantee that you won't kick yourself down the road for choosing either way. But I believe you'll be making the choice you need to.

I truly believe that all choices are good choices. They don't all bring happiness, but since happiness is transitory, that doesn't matter. They all lead us a little further on our journey, a little closer to ourselves, a little closer to the divine. Whether you marry this man or not, it will be the right thing for you, right now, and that's what really matters.

You also had some specific questions, and I'll do the best I can to answer those:

Is the roller-coaster of recovery, relapse, lies that I worry I will be in for should we marry REALLY worth it?

It has been for me, but for many, many other people, it's not. There will be more lies and there will be more pain. Only you can know whether it's worth it to you.

Is there something wrong with me if I don't leave him?

Maybe. But that same thing will still be wrong even if you do leave.

If your partners' revelations had come in the countdown to your wedding instead of years later once
kids/home/happy memories were in the picture, would you have gone ahead?

I certainly would have gone ahead with it if I had the outlook on life then that I do now, but if I were still the person I was then... I don't know. I always said I'd leave if he cheated, and I really did believe I'd do it, even with kids, but when the time came, I didn't. There were certainly inklings I'd gotten and things he'd done to hurt me before the marriage, but I went ahead anyway.

Knowing what you know now, would you have walked down the aisle, or looked for another partner?

Knowing what I know now -- the totality of what I know now -- I would marry my husband again a thousand times. I have seen my husband show over and over what a good man he is, in spite of the pain of addiction. And while I know the pain, I also know there was no way for me to avoid the pain. Because of my own distorted way of seeing the world, any partner I would have picked would just have had different problems, and those problems would eventually have brought me pain like what I faced anyway.

I've been trying to do the COSA thing since i learned about the porn addiction 2 years ago, but it doesn't speak to me.

Ok, I know that wasn't actually a question, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy. I had similar problems with S-Anon, which is one of the reasons I don't go to meetings anymore. There were so many women in the program who were so hurt that they couldn't move beyond their anger and bitterness, so I didn't see many models for where I wanted to be in my life and my marriage.

It's a hard, hard choice you face. I can't tell you which one to make. I can't tell you which path will lead you to greatest happiness or greatest pain or greatest knowledge. But I believe that if you try to do things the way you think you "should" rather than accept the place you're in, those decisions will just come back to kick you over and over again until you learn the lessons they were trying to teach you. Whatever decision you make, your life will be moving forward just the way it should.

Feel free to email me at mamampj@gmail.com if it would help you to talk more.

My best to you,
Mary (MPJ)
at A Room of Mama's Own

S.T.O.P.S./ Fighting Fire With Fire

Dear Aunty B,

My husband and I have so many problems. We've been married almost 28 yrs, and I've always been a homemaker. It all started Jan, 2005, when my husband called home from work and told me he left a message in his friends phone and her husband got upset over it. I said to give him a call and tell him you're sorry. I also asked,why he left that type of message. He said, she's just a friend and they talk about their problems in their marriage( she also has 4 children and a abusive spouse ). We've been arguing since then about many things(finances, married too young,in-laws,me not working to pay back the money that I spent, to the point I have seen a lawyer.

Till today, he says they're "JUST FRIENDS", but I've caught him with a hidden cell phone with I love you messages, her wanting him to hold her, and meeting him in the morning (message found day before a trip). He had made my ring tone on his phone "The Bitch is Back", I have ticket stubs from his carry on, with his and her name, a copy of the e-mail she sent my daughter, saying "she had intimate conversations with my husband and she wasn't going to have anyone tell her to stop. My husband has lied about phone calls,and places where he's been missing and can't get in touch with him. By the way,his family shuns me and 2 of my 4 children. My gut feeling is, his family has already met her.

This past December, I kicked him out because he got physical with me in a argument and I had my 11yr.old call 911. I've let him back in since and we've talked about the pluses and minuses of divorce. He says he wants to make things right, but he makes no commitment of working on our marriage. We have been to marriage counseling, but he won't go any more. Today they're coaching together, and this has been going on for 4 yrs. I've also learned, she separated from her husband.

My husband says he's not happy, but he won't leave. He says, "why should he leave home since he's paying for everything" and we still have a mortgage. Our home was my grandmothers, and has been passed down to me. I've been a caregiver to my mother with Alzheimer's for 15 yrs, my husband was put in the title just before she died, and it's been 2 yrs now. Since then my husband has lied more more.

I love my husband but I'm so hurt from all of this, My 12 yr.old and I , are in therapy weekly. My older children (27,24,21) have shared there opinion and they're not happy about what's going on. I'm just lost at his point. He says he loves me, but he's not in-love. Say's he fell out of love with me 3 yrs ago.

Help please!

Anonymous



Dear Friend,

It immediately occurs to me, to state very clearly to you, that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow. You have a right to happiness, remember this. The other thing that I'd say to you, if you were sitting right here beside me is that you need to put on your Bitch Belt and own this situation.

I think as a wife, you must assert what you will not tolerate. If he wants to fool around, carry on and defile his marriage vows, you need to tell him to hit the road. In a court of law, the Judge would most certainly rule in your favor if you can prove that he is fooling around. Therefore, you let him know that you will not put up with this and the courts will back your play. I imagine the children would also be awarded to you and custodial action would probably dictate limited interaction with your husband. Tell him this. Begin to play hardball with him.

There is a difference between being passive-aggressive and becoming an assertive woman who states, unequivocally, her needs. Yes, the Bitch is Back and you must wear it like Prada. Stop being the victim here. I know it all must hurt and you feel like a victim, you feel violated, your trust and even your self-esteem is probably in question, isn't it? But I want you to flip this and begin to get pissed off. I want you to take charge of your life. See, all this is a mind set. You will be a victim until you choose to step up to bat and show him just how the game is played. You will continue to be victimized until you can say "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

Your husband chose to stop loving you, a big hurt piece, I suppose? We don't fall out of love, we choose to stop, we choose to look for fault. Even simpler in this mathematical equation is the fact that he chose to break his marriage vows. I don't know but some of us still believe in those marriage vows and as well, some of us still hold them rather sacred.

Do not think I am above contempt, in this situation and my loyalty is for you. I want to see you rise above, oh yes I do. The one and only way for you to make it through this is to put on that Bitch Belt and walk that runway. You must begin a campaign of Empowerment.

I want you to first and foremost, hold your head up high. I can already tell you've done everything possible to make this work, including changing your values and beliefs to accommodate a two-timer. You have got to face this and say, "Enough is Enough."

Why Write a Letter???

I am real fond of letter writing, if you've explored any other posts, here on Aunt B, you'd probably notice that I use the reference quite often. I feel it makes a greater impact and you are able to state your feelings, your needs and must haves on an even keeled basis. I use letter writing as opposed to becoming volatile, losing my cool and saying what I don't mean and so on. Hell, I'd be mad enough myself, I just might cloud up and rain all over his ass, if I were you. So, writing from this perspective, I know that I'd probably get no where fast, if I confronted him, even myself.

But you do have a few Aces up your sleeve, whether you realize it or not. I assume, there's the possibility that you may be concerned that if you confront him, he may get violent. According to your letter, you've already called 911, so there is record of his violence against you. In your letter to him, I would make it very clear that if he does not abide by your wishes, to get out of "your" home, you will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the Law. You do have, in most states, up to two years to prosecute him on prior charges. Let him know this.

I do notice, in your last paragraph, that you stated, you still love him. For whatever reason, you still have feelings and I am assuming you want to win, no matter what. The one and only chance you have is if you fight fire with fire. You've seen where they clear out brush by burning it right? Lush, green vegetation takes hold, after the old has smoldered and gone out. It's even so where molten lava has run rampant over acreage after acreage. Eventually, the area begins to grow back, healthier than it was. Yes, if you are to win, you must be this fire.

It's kind of an inside secret of mine, where I have always said, that "Men are just boys in big clothing." Where Mama didn't teach 'em right, you've got to come in and show them the way. In this instance, you've got to rear up your head and laugh at the heavens. You've got to either make 'em or break 'em.

My Dear, I am not a feminist. (I am a Dirty Bitch though, proud, tried and true) No, in fact, I believe in the unity of a man and woman. I also believe, in a Biblical sense, that the man, when and if he is answering to God, is the head of the household. Once again, if you were sitting in a chair beside me, the very first thing I would tell you is to pray. You pray for wisdom and you pray for your husband. You pray fervently that God will deal with your husband. They have a saying in Prison, "God don't like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid," the latter part being my quote. Your husband is being real, real ugly and God does not take kindly to anyone that defiles the marriage bed. He(God) will honor your appeals.

For him to blatantly and cockily take a stand as he has, with no shame is even uglier. Fight fire with fire. You ask God for wisdom as to how to proceed. You ask God for strength to give the tough love, that is the only way, you might win. You ask God to knock him to his knees and to deal with him where you can not.

Yes, I am for you winning here. Part of me wants to advise you to kick him to the curb. But the better part of wisdom dictates that, if you are to ever win against this situation, you must ask for help. You've taken the first step by going to therapy, then the second by writing. The first step should always be and I hope it will in the future, to consult with the Great Counselor. When it comes to this kind of situation, where you feel like you are at the end of your rope, where you feel a lost cause is raging, out of control, you must consult with God.

Do you see that all things happen for a reason? Even the fact that you've written me, is not without merit. These words are yours and yours alone. Be encouraged.

Now, my prayer for you, is that you have the strength and the wisdom to face Goliath, your husband. Yes, it was God that came to the assistance of David, against a mammoth of a man. Your husband is not that big, in fact he's pretty small in my eyes right now. God can and will kick his butt. I pray that you will see that you must fight this with fire(I realize I repeat myself as well) and you have to muster the backbone to stop being a victim. You must! If you are to win, you must stay in constant prayer. Yes, you put on your Bitch Belt and get your husband back.

I would advise you to write a letter and tell your husband that he has one choice in this situation, no if ands or buts about it. He can cease and desist or you will undoubtedly show him how the game is played. You tell him, if he does not stop his heinous and obnoxious behavior, you will take him to court, you will make his life miserable and you will do your damnedest to take him for everything he's got. You will make it clear in court, what your grounds for divorce are and his infidelity will cast him in a less than favorable light. Because of his indiscretions, his visitation with the children will be on a limited basis. As well, the court frowns on a man who commits assault and battery or any facsimile thereof. Oh yes, the court will most certainly smack him down, proverbially and you will have your way with him. You will win and he needs to know that you will win. Tell him in the letter.

See, as I said, at the top of this post, "that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow" and you must remember this. You must have have this welded onto your heart. It needs to become second nature to you, implanted into your psyche, an involuntary response similar to breathing. It just is. It is how you will win, one way or another.

I also suggest that you read as much as you can, a homework assignment, if you will, of anything tagged "Empowerment." You may find these tags, on the sidebar. Yes, the issues are all different but the words are powerful, useful tools you must add to your Bitch Belt/Tool Belt.

I am in your corner and I offer and welcome your feedback. As well, you are always welcome to write us again, especially with a good/positive update. Nothing would please me more than for you to write me and tell me, you have conquered Goliath.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to be the one to say this, but you are beating a dead horse. Your husband clearly has told you that he is not in love with you; you know that he is with another woman (that is blatantly obvious) and he doesn’t want to work at the marriage or finding his way back into love.

Honey, it’s time to lawyer up.

You will continue to be hurt and will continue to feel this way if you stay with him. Why? Because he is not in love, and he is only sticking around because he knows that he would loose out quite a lot in a court of law. Cheating husbands who do not want to reconcile usually do. And I would think that he knows you have enough “on him” to lose the shirt off his back if he was to leave you.

Don’t let this guy be the end of your ability to love, or respect the vows of marriage. You cannot control him, but you can control yourself and you do deserve better then this.

You know that in your heart you cannot live under disrespect (which is exactly what that last statement he made was), with an adulterer, or without the love you deserve. So why are you continuing to do this to yourself?

Make an appointment with a lawyer. If you want to be amicable, the lawyer will tell you what they can do for you and what is fair (you are a homemaker, so you will require income. Which isn’t something you should ever feel the need to “Pay Back”. You raised his children, and that is a phenomenal job). Talk to your husband and let him know that you want a divorce and that he doesn’t need to be worried about you taking him to the cleaners - unless you plan to do that, which you could with all the evidence you have. But something tells me that you are not looking to “get even” you just want your life back to the happiness it once knew.

Normally I do say that “I can’t tell you what to do, but..” however in this case I am telling you to leave, or have him leave. It is really obvious that he isn’t in this marriage, he doesn’t respect you, and he isn’t going to change. He is lying in his own personal hell because of finances and personal sense of entitlement and he is holding you hostage.

Call a lawyer. Get help. Get on with your life.

~Xmichra~

Strange Perception

Hey Aunt B,

Well to make it short…My exboyfriend was doing really good…He went from nothing…to Having a good job, going to school and finally his car…He is the type of person who lies at anyones expense..he can use people..and overall he can be self fish and not care about nothing else..not even his family..he is going on 22 and I feel he will never get it..He is falling into really bad stuff..right now he no longer lives at home and is running out of money…just last week I think he robbed his own job….and now they know its him…so he quit..he has not paid his car note…so I feel like he is headed in the wrong direction..I know he has deep feelings for me…and I thought that I could make him see things differently…I want him to realize what situations he is putting himself in….I want him to THINK!!!! I have tried, and tried and tried talking to him all sorts of ways…and no results. He is still the same person…but lately its just getting worst…he is doing worst..and im sooooo scared and worried for him…I don't want him to end up dead or in prison….What do I do??? Do I just give up on him? Because im also hurting myself in a way…should I just leave him alone…I feel that If I leave he will have NO One…but im tired of feeling disappointed by him…should I just give up and let him live his life the way he wants to?

Thanks

LLadira

Dear Lladira,

This is a difficult situation for sure. On the one hand you feel like you should “stand by your man” because you love him. But on the other you know that he is walking a dangerous road.

I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would leave. Honestly you cannot run the risk of being implicated in his shady dealings, and if he is really that much of a liar… well I just don’t think that I would be able to trust him not sinking me too.

This guy needs a reality check that you cannot provide for him. And he will slide down into some serious trouble right away. Stealing from your employer and being under suspicion for it doesn’t go away because you have quit. In fact it makes it compellingly obvious that you did something wrong. So you can pretty much bank on his employer following up on that.

There is a strange perception that someone who lies or steals from their employer, that doesn’t mean that they would do so from you. But in my experience it is actually very much the opposite. A person, who has no regard for their employer, when the employer has invested in you and has given you an opportunity, is a person who has a mix of morality. What makes it right to steal from someone who has given you something so beneficial? It isn’t right, and he knows it. And in that frame of mind, a person like that could steal from a person they loved.

This guy will be going through a really tough road, and you leaving will not make that any easier. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You have done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t be punished for that. And I think you will be if you stay.

Best thing I could suggest is to make sure he has a list of people or resources that could help him to fix what he has done. And maybe once he has made good on his trespasses then you can maybe have a friendship and maybe a relationship again. But until that happens you need to worry about yourself and how much trouble this can land you in.

I hope you do well with what ever you choose, and if you need help finding resources for your boyfriend or for yourself, don’t hesitate to ask.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra~

Do Over

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi and I'm 13 and am having problems with my mom

QUESTION me and my mom r arguing alot and i have an attitude problem and i realize that but its wasting alot of time but no matter how hard i try and not to act smart i just blow up and talk back with an attitude and there we go wasting time arguing about the silliest things but its just not every now and then its every day what do i do????

i have another question

i'm starting to think im addicted to being online but i have no idea how to stop its my outlet from the ? above and my parents divorce do u have any ideas on how to stop?

Dear Reader,

Well, realizing there's a problem, in the situation, is already half the battle. The other half would be for you to reign in your emotions and begin to be responsible for the things you say.

With maturity comes that responsibility, you know, to keep yourself in check. You're already ahead of the program because you are looking for a solution and the very fact that you've written looking for help, in the whole scenario, speaks volumes as to your maturity. I have met countless adults who can't even look at themselves in the mirror and be honest, as you obviously are trying to do. I give you credit for this.

Now, what can you do, when it comes to keeping those emotions in check and not giving attitude to your Mom?

First and foremost, I see that you are stubborn beyond reason, huh? I mean, you have a hard time being told what to do. As well, you do not like to be wrong about anything, at least in front of anybody. I do realize that you react, go off, say things you shouldn't, talk back and you can be rather sassy. The good part in this is that when it's all said and done, you do sit back and think about it. You do reason as to whether you were right or wrong. And of course, you are actually sorry, especially when it comes to your Mom, right?

When I was a kid, we had a game and when we wiped the slate clean, in a proverbial manner, we called it a "Do Over."

I will personally give you a Do Over, right here, right now. From this moment on, you will learn to think before you speak. The wisest of wise, do not run off at the mouth. No, they think before they speak and are known for those words. "You will say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean." This is my Creed, the very words, I myself, try to live by. I am fallible but the difference between me and the average Joe, is that I try to be a better person, I try to bridle my tongue and most of all, I hold myself accountable for my actions. I realized that for years, I made excuse for my behaviors. In example;

Let's say that a person steals from the store. That person may tell themselves that they don't have the money for the item that they really want, so they'll just take it. Now, they've lied to themselves and begin to believe that they have a Sense of Entitlement. (That link is an excellent example, check it out.) It is quite involved, this sense of entitlement gig but it happens all the time. Instead of seeing that they don't have a right to take anything, they might simply try to explain it away. See, actually, they should have realized that;

#1 You must only do what you want done to you
#2 They wouldn't like someone to take something of theirs
#3 If we all just took what we wanted, there would be Wild West mayhem


The point being, you must not lie to yourself and examine your actions, especially when you feel they are wrong or in question. You clearly have this ability to deduce situations and assign an understanding of how you should behave. That is called "moral fiber." You have it and hopefully you will continue to keep it ingrained, deep within your psyche. It is one of your most valuable attributes.

Now, I've kind of veered off the issue here but in the situation with your Mom, you must learn that she tells you things, most likely, for your own good. Never be a know it all. I was and damn if I didn't have to learn all things the hard way. Once I began to realize that in fact I did not know it all, it was then and only then that I really began to learn. And not the hard way.

Learn to be wrong. It takes the bigger person to admit that they are wrong but to do the right thing. Sometimes it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, to admit when you are wrong. Understand? Meaning, you will begin to respect yourself, when you can admit your error. Respecting yourself is the key to being a good human being.In turn, when you respect yourself for doing the right thing, for living right, people in turn, will also respect you.

As well, when you don't talk trash, you don't just run at the mouth but you weigh your words first, people will sit up and listen because they know that you think before you speak.

I notice that you have more self-control than you even realize. Awareness of a problem, even in addiction, for example, (*The 12 Steps) the First Step is admitting we have a problem. You have done this, concerning the thing with your Mom and with the Internet.

I suppose you need to be aware of your Internet usage and possibly limit BS and if you must use it as a means of entertainment, I would begin to look up things, possibly in Wikipedia. Learn to love to learn. I see nothing wrong with using the Internet to learn and so on. But it is meaningless if you are social networking as an escape. Just to bring you up to speed, social networking, well, the things people say, the language, the thought process, well, it's all pretty fake and it's easy to get caught up in it. I would suggest you limit this, for starters and begin to reign, train yourself to spend more time in things that are productive. Find a subject that interests you and excel in it, own it, learn everything you can about it. Then, move onto to something else.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

12 Steps of AA

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Suggested Reading;

Choose To Be You

Meet Mrs. Know It All; How To Screw Up Your Life

Good and Bad; All Things Happen for a Reason

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 16 year old boy in high school. I am a junior and I like an 18 year old girl who is a senior. I’ve liked her since the end of my freshman year. During my sophomore year, I believed she liked me because she kept dropping hints all the time. She would talk louder to her friends when they walked past me, smile at me sometimes, and a lot of other things for like 8 months. However I never had the courage to talk to her until the last day of school. I called her up and asked if she was dating anyone. She told me she had a boyfriend, but we proceeded to have a conversation. I apologized and hung up the phone. A couple of weeks into summer vacation I called her back later to apologize and we had another conversation. I had to stop the conversation, so I asked her if I could call again and she told me she didn’t care, but she was pretty sad. Eventually I had to go on summer vacation in a foreign country so I called her back, but I got her mom instead as she wasn’t home. I just told her mom to tell her that I called, after our own little conversation.

After summer vacation ended, I saw her again in school at the beginning of this year. However once again, I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. This continued for a month where we just looked at each other. After about a month she casually walks pass me and asks me how my summer was. I just responded that it was good and that was it. It’s been like five months since then. We see each other occasionally in the halls and we say hi to each other but that’s usually it. She still drops a lot of hints that she likes me but she also still has a boyfriend. We’re in a few clubs together but there really aren’t that many meetings for us to have a chance to form a stronger connection. She still hangs out with her boyfriend, as they go on dates. They had a fight once when he told her that he loved her and she didn’t say the same thing back to him. I also remember that during the first month she started to date her bf, that she always looked sad when I saw her. At the beginning of this year and even occasionally now she looks sad sometimes when I see her. Anyways, I have quite a lot of questions:

She’s never actually told me that she likes me. What would be reasons for this? She came close a couple of times; at the beginning of this year she said to her friend as they walked past me “Maybe I should tell him”, once she was walking behind me with a friend as she said “I like him” when no one else was in the hall except for the three of us, also another time I walked past her in the hall and she said to her friends “Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore”.

Should I still keep hope in that there is a possibility for us to date? I mean I fully understand that I should respect her and try to be friends first, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I really like her. However I also don’t want to feel hurt and this is hard since she has a bf and that if I have a real conversation with her, I would probably ask her about her relationship with her boyfriend which would make her think that I didn’t respect her.

Is it bad to like someone with a boyfriend if you know she has feelings for you? I really don’t think she’s a bad person. This is because of the fact that I believe she was really hurt by me when I never tried to get to know her during my sophomore year despite all the hints she gave me every day.

I know that the obvious solution to get rid of my problems is to talk to her. But the main reason why this is so hard is because of the fact that she has a boyfriend. I’ve liked a lot of girls in the past, but never as much as this girl. I know that I’m still young and that I’ll meet tons of girls in the future, but I just can’t help it. What should I do?

Thanks a lot for reading.

P.S. We’re both going to Europe along with our classmates for spring break. So inevitably we’re going to spend 10 days very close to each other.

Dear Reader,

I first want to make mention of your values; They are fabulous. More than once you've mentioned respect, respecting her, her feelings and not crossing that invisible line between respect and disrespecting her feelings and so on. I like that in a guy and I wish there were more guys out there that were concerned about a girls feelings. Never compromise those principles and they will always be one of your best attributes.

I don't quite know exactly what your question is but I can see what's going on; You don't know how to proceed, right? Obviously, you care an awful lot about this particular girl? I mean if you think about it, there are probably 100's, maybe even 1000's of girls for you to pursue, in your town. But you have chosen this girl. Even subconsciously, you try to solve the problem, the riddle of how to, "Make Her Mine?"

I happen to believe that there's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic, only "Divine Destiny." What that means is that all things happen for a reason. Everyone you meet, all the things that happen, all the things that go on in your everyday life, they are all for a reason. Good and Bad; All Things Happen for a Reason. When you begin to see this, especially when calamity or unpleasant situations arise and you realize that it's happening for a reason, the variables will change. Instead of saying, "Why Me?" when life slaps you around, you'll start to ask your Spirit, "OK, what do I need to learn from this?" and your life, as you know it will begin to change. Yes, life is a series of tests. One after another comes along, all for a reason, the good, the bad and the ugly.

So Aunt Babz, what is your point? I do tend to carry on, huh? You obviously care enough about this girl, all for a reason. You care enough to have written me and she's on your mind, all for a reason. Think about it!

There's nothing wrong with you telling her that you enjoy talking to her, enjoy her company and getting to know her. You might even slip her a note that says, you'd really like to get to know her better and "you hope she'll let you know if things don't work out with her current boyfriend." You might also let her know that you see when she is sad and it bothers you. You don't have to say more about that because that's enough to make her think. She'll realize that you care enough to notice. I'd also say something to the effect of, "Hey, I'll respect the fact that you're with another guy but I do want you to know that if things don't work out, I'd really enjoy chatting, It'd be cool to get to know you." Then you end it with a compliment that will stick like Gorilla Glue. You say something like, "You know, I pass you in the halls and when I see you, it makes me smile inside. You have such beautiful eyes, they look right through me." Yes, pass her a note in the hall or where ever, ok?

Every girl loves to hear about her best attributes, so pick up on what that is and tell her about it, in that note. Make it short-n-sweet, to the point. It wouldn't matter if you were a dog, it'd make her think if you tell her something nice about herself. Now, I already know you're not a dog. No, you're a fairly decent looking guy. You will never be on a Calvin Kline commercial but Sweetie, you are cute and your even better looking on the inside. The One that matters, will see this. Remember these words.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz