Dear Aunt Babz,
I am a 16 year old boy in high school. I am a junior and I like an 18 year old girl who is a senior. I’ve liked her since the end of my freshman year. During my sophomore year, I believed she liked me because she kept dropping hints all the time. She would talk louder to her friends when they walked past me, smile at me sometimes, and a lot of other things for like 8 months. However I never had the courage to talk to her until the last day of school. I called her up and asked if she was dating anyone. She told me she had a boyfriend, but we proceeded to have a conversation. I apologized and hung up the phone. A couple of weeks into summer vacation I called her back later to apologize and we had another conversation. I had to stop the conversation, so I asked her if I could call again and she told me she didn’t care, but she was pretty sad. Eventually I had to go on summer vacation in a foreign country so I called her back, but I got her mom instead as she wasn’t home. I just told her mom to tell her that I called, after our own little conversation.
After summer vacation ended, I saw her again in school at the beginning of this year. However once again, I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. This continued for a month where we just looked at each other. After about a month she casually walks pass me and asks me how my summer was. I just responded that it was good and that was it. It’s been like five months since then. We see each other occasionally in the halls and we say hi to each other but that’s usually it. She still drops a lot of hints that she likes me but she also still has a boyfriend. We’re in a few clubs together but there really aren’t that many meetings for us to have a chance to form a stronger connection. She still hangs out with her boyfriend, as they go on dates. They had a fight once when he told her that he loved her and she didn’t say the same thing back to him. I also remember that during the first month she started to date her bf, that she always looked sad when I saw her. At the beginning of this year and even occasionally now she looks sad sometimes when I see her. Anyways, I have quite a lot of questions:
She’s never actually told me that she likes me. What would be reasons for this? She came close a couple of times; at the beginning of this year she said to her friend as they walked past me “Maybe I should tell him”, once she was walking behind me with a friend as she said “I like him” when no one else was in the hall except for the three of us, also another time I walked past her in the hall and she said to her friends “Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore”.
Should I still keep hope in that there is a possibility for us to date? I mean I fully understand that I should respect her and try to be friends first, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I really like her. However I also don’t want to feel hurt and this is hard since she has a bf and that if I have a real conversation with her, I would probably ask her about her relationship with her boyfriend which would make her think that I didn’t respect her.
Is it bad to like someone with a boyfriend if you know she has feelings for you? I really don’t think she’s a bad person. This is because of the fact that I believe she was really hurt by me when I never tried to get to know her during my sophomore year despite all the hints she gave me every day.
I know that the obvious solution to get rid of my problems is to talk to her. But the main reason why this is so hard is because of the fact that she has a boyfriend. I’ve liked a lot of girls in the past, but never as much as this girl. I know that I’m still young and that I’ll meet tons of girls in the future, but I just can’t help it. What should I do?
Thanks a lot for reading.
P.S. We’re both going to
I first want to make mention of your values; They are fabulous. More than once you've mentioned respect, respecting her, her feelings and not crossing that invisible line between respect and disrespecting her feelings and so on. I like that in a guy and I wish there were more guys out there that were concerned about a girls feelings. Never compromise those principles and they will always be one of your best attributes.
I don't quite know exactly what your question is but I can see what's going on; You don't know how to proceed, right? Obviously, you care an awful lot about this particular girl? I mean if you think about it, there are probably 100's, maybe even 1000's of girls for you to pursue, in your town. But you have chosen this girl. Even subconsciously, you try to solve the problem, the riddle of how to, "Make Her Mine?"
I happen to believe that there's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic, only "Divine Destiny." What that means is that all things happen for a reason. Everyone you meet, all the things that happen, all the things that go on in your everyday life, they are all for a reason. Good and Bad; All Things Happen for a Reason. When you begin to see this, especially when calamity or unpleasant situations arise and you realize that it's happening for a reason, the variables will change. Instead of saying, "Why Me?" when life slaps you around, you'll start to ask your Spirit, "OK, what do I need to learn from this?" and your life, as you know it will begin to change. Yes, life is a series of tests. One after another comes along, all for a reason, the good, the bad and the ugly.
So Aunt Babz, what is your point? I do tend to carry on, huh? You obviously care enough about this girl, all for a reason. You care enough to have written me and she's on your mind, all for a reason. Think about it!
There's nothing wrong with you telling her that you enjoy talking to her, enjoy her company and getting to know her. You might even slip her a note that says, you'd really like to get to know her better and "you hope she'll let you know if things don't work out with her current boyfriend." You might also let her know that you see when she is sad and it bothers you. You don't have to say more about that because that's enough to make her think. She'll realize that you care enough to notice. I'd also say something to the effect of, "Hey, I'll respect the fact that you're with another guy but I do want you to know that if things don't work out, I'd really enjoy chatting, It'd be cool to get to know you." Then you end it with a compliment that will stick like Gorilla Glue. You say something like, "You know, I pass you in the halls and when I see you, it makes me smile inside. You have such beautiful eyes, they look right through me." Yes, pass her a note in the hall or where ever, ok?
Every girl loves to hear about her best attributes, so pick up on what that is and tell her about it, in that note. Make it short-n-sweet, to the point. It wouldn't matter if you were a dog, it'd make her think if you tell her something nice about herself. Now, I already know you're not a dog. No, you're a fairly decent looking guy. You will never be on a Calvin Kline commercial but Sweetie, you are cute and your even better looking on the inside. The One that matters, will see this. Remember these words.
Keeping It Real,