Tuesday, March 18, 2008

S.T.O.P.S./ Fighting Fire With Fire

Dear Aunty B,

My husband and I have so many problems. We've been married almost 28 yrs, and I've always been a homemaker. It all started Jan, 2005, when my husband called home from work and told me he left a message in his friends phone and her husband got upset over it. I said to give him a call and tell him you're sorry. I also asked,why he left that type of message. He said, she's just a friend and they talk about their problems in their marriage( she also has 4 children and a abusive spouse ). We've been arguing since then about many things(finances, married too young,in-laws,me not working to pay back the money that I spent, to the point I have seen a lawyer.
Till today, he says they're "JUST FRIENDS", but I've caught him with a hidden cell phone with I love you messages, her wanting him to hold her, and meeting him in the morning (message found day before a trip). He had made my ring tone on his phone "The Bitch is Back", I have ticket stubs from his carry on, with his and her name, a copy of the e-mail she sent my daughter, saying "she had intimate conversations with my husband and she wasn't going to have anyone tell her to stop. My husband has lied about phone calls,and places where he's been missing and can't get in touch with him. By the way,his family shuns me and 2 of my 4 children. My gut feeling is, his family has already met her.
This past December, I kicked him out because he got physical with me in a argument and I had my 11yr.old call 911. I've let him back in since and we've talked about the pluses and minuses of divorce. He says he wants to make things right, but he makes no commitment of working on our marriage. We have been to marriage counseling, but he won't go any more. Today they're coaching together, and this has been going on for 4 yrs. I've also learned, she separated from her husband.
My husband says he's not happy, but he won't leave. He says, "why should he leave home since he's paying for everything" and we still have a mortgage. Our home was my grandmothers, and has been passed down to me. I've been a caregiver to my mother with Alzheimer's for 15 yrs, my husband was put in the title just before she died, and it's been 2 yrs now. Since then my husband has lied more more.
I love my husband but I'm so hurt from all of this, My 12 yr.old and I , are in therapy weekly. My older children (27,24,21) have shared there opinion and they're not happy about what's going on. I'm just lost at his point. He says he loves me, but he's not in-love. Say's he fell out of love with me 3 yrs ago.
Help please!

Dear Friend,

It immediately occurs to me, to state very clearly to you, that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow. You have a right to happiness, remember this. The other thing that I'd say to you, if you were sitting right here beside me is that you need to put on your Bitch Belt and own this situation.

I think as a wife, you must assert what you will not tolerate. If he wants to fool around, carry on and defile his marriage vows, you need to tell him to hit the road. In a court of law, the Judge would most certainly rule in your favor if you can prove that he is fooling around. Therefore, you let him know that you will not put up with this and the courts will back your play. I imagine the children would also be awarded to you and custodial action would probably dictate limited interaction with your husband. Tell him this. Begin to play hardball with him.

There is a difference between being passive-aggressive and becoming an assertive woman who states, unequivocally, her needs. Yes, the Bitch is Back and you must wear it like Prada. Stop being the victim here. I know it all must hurt and you feel like a victim, you feel violated, your trust and even your self-esteem is probably in question, isn't it? But I want you to flip this and begin to get pissed off. I want you to take charge of your life. See, all this is a mind set. You will be a victim until you choose to step up to bat and show him just how the game is played. You will continue to be victimized until you can say


Your husband chose to stop loving you, a big hurt piece, I suppose? We don't fall out of love, we choose to stop, we choose to look for fault. Even simpler in this mathematical equation is the fact that he chose to break his marriage vows. I don't know but some of us still believe in those marriage vows and as well, some of us still hold them rather sacred.

Do not think I am above contempt, in this situation and my loyalty is for you. I want to see you rise above, oh yes I do. The one and only way for you to make it through this is to put on that Bitch Belt and walk that runway. You must begin a campaign of Empowerment.

I want you to first and foremost, hold your head up high. I can already tell you've done everything possible to make this work, including changing your values and beliefs to accommodate a two-timer. You have got to face this and say, "Enough is Enough."

Why Write a Letter???

I am real fond of letter writing, if you've explored any other posts, here on Aunt B, you'd probably notice that I use the reference quite often. I feel it makes a greater impact and you are able to state your feelings, your needs and must haves on an even keeled basis. I use letter writing as opposed to becoming volatile, losing my cool and saying what I don't mean and so on. Hell, I'd be mad enough myself, I just might cloud up and rain all over his ass, if I were you. So, writing from this perspective, I know that I'd probably get no where fast, if I confronted him, even myself.

But you do have a few Aces up your sleeve, whether you realize it or not. I assume, there's the possibility that you may be concerned that if you confront him, he may get violent. According to your letter, you've already called 911, so there is record of his violence against you. In your letter to him, I would make it very clear that if he does not abide by your wishes, to get out of "your" home, you will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the Law. You do have, in most states, up to two years to prosecute him on prior charges. Let him know this.

I do notice, in your last paragraph, that you stated, you still love him. For whatever reason, you still have feelings and I am assuming you want to win, no matter what. The one and only chance you have is if you fight fire with fire. You've seen where they clear out brush by burning it right? Lush, green vegetation takes hold, after the old has smoldered and gone out. It's even so where molten lava has run rampant over acreage after acreage. Eventually, the area begins to grow back, healthier than it was. Yes, if you are to win, you must be this fire.

It's kind of an inside secret of mine, where I have always said, that "Men are just boys in big clothing." Where Mama didn't teach 'em right, you've got to come in and show them the way. In this instance, you've got to rear up your head and laugh at the heavens. You've got to either make 'em or break 'em.

My Dear, I am not a feminist. (I am a Dirty Bitch though, proud, tried and true) No, in fact, I believe in the unity of a man and woman. I also believe, in a Biblical sense, that the man, when and if he is answering to God, is the head of the household. Once again, if you were sitting in a chair beside me, the very first thing I would tell you is to pray. You pray for wisdom and you pray for your husband. You pray fervently that God will deal with your husband. They have a saying in Prison, "God don't like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid," the latter part being my quote. Your husband is being real, real ugly and God does not take kindly to anyone that defiles the marriage bed. He(God) will honor your appeals.

For him to blatantly and cockily take a stand as he has, with no shame is even uglier. Fight fire with fire. You ask God for wisdom as to how to proceed. You ask God for strength to give the tough love, that is the only way, you might win. You ask God to knock him to his knees and to deal with him where you can not.

Yes, I am for you winning here. Part of me wants to advise you to kick him to the curb. But the better part of wisdom dictates that, if you are to ever win against this situation, you must ask for help. You've taken the first step by going to therapy, then the second by writing. The first step should always be and I hope it will in the future, to consult with the Great Counselor. When it comes to this kind of situation, where you feel like you are at the end of your rope, where you feel a lost cause is raging, out of control, you must consult with God.

Do you see that all things happen for a reason? Even the fact that you've written me, is not without merit. These words are yours and yours alone. Be encouraged.

Now, my prayer for you, is that you have the strength and the wisdom to face Goliath, your husband. Yes, it was God that came to the assistance of David, against a mammoth of a man. Your husband is not that big, in fact he's pretty small in my eyes right now. God can and will kick his butt. I pray that you will see that you must fight this with fire(I realize I repeat myself as well) and you have to muster the backbone to stop being a victim. You must! If you are to win, you must stay in constant prayer. Yes, you put on your Bitch Belt and get your husband back.

I would advise you to write a letter and tell your husband that he has one choice in this situation, no if ands or buts about it. He can cease and desist or you will undoubtedly show him how the game is played. You tell him, if he does not stop his heinous and obnoxious behavior, you will take him to court, you will make his life miserable and you will do your damnedest to take him for everything he's got. You will make it clear in court, what your grounds for divorce are and his infidelity will cast him in a less than favorable light. Because of his indiscretions, his visitation with the children will be on a limited basis. As well, the court frowns on a man who commits assault and battery or any facsimile thereof. Oh yes, the court will most certainly smack him down, proverbially and you will have your way with him. You will win and he needs to know that you will win. Tell him in the letter.

See, as I said, at the top of this post, "
that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow" and you must remember this. You must have have this welded onto your heart. It needs to become second nature to you, implanted into your psyche, an involuntary response similar to breathing. It just is. It is how you will win, one way or another.

I also suggest that you read as much as you can, a homework assignment, if you will, of anything tagged "Empowerment." You may find these tags, on the sidebar. Yes, the issues are all different but the words are powerful, useful tools you must add to your Bitch Belt/Tool Belt.

I am in your corner and I offer and welcome your feedback. As well, you are always welcome to write us again, especially with a good/positive update. Nothing would please me more than for you to write me and tell me, you have conquered Goliath.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to be the one to say this, but you are beating a dead horse. Your husband clearly has told you that he is not in love with you; you know that he is with another woman (that is blatantly obvious) and he doesn’t want to work at the marriage or finding his way back into love.

Honey, it’s time to lawyer up.

You will continue to be hurt and will continue to feel this way if you stay with him. Why? Because he is not in love, and he is only sticking around because he knows that he would loose out quite a lot in a court of law. Cheating husbands who do not want to reconcile usually do. And I would think that he knows you have enough “on him” to lose the shirt off his back if he was to leave you.

Don’t let this guy be the end of your ability to love, or respect the vows of marriage. You cannot control him, but you can control yourself and you do deserve better then this.

You know that in your heart you cannot live under disrespect (which is exactly what that last statement he made was), with an adulterer, or without the love you deserve. So why are you continuing to do this to yourself?

Make an appointment with a lawyer. If you want to be amicable, the lawyer will tell you what they can do for you and what is fair (you are a homemaker, so you will require income. Which isn’t something you should ever feel the need to “Pay Back”. You raised his children, and that is a phenomenal job). Talk to your husband and let him know that you want a divorce and that he doesn’t need to be worried about you taking him to the cleaners - unless you plan to do that, which you could with all the evidence you have. But something tells me that you are not looking to “get even” you just want your life back to the happiness it once knew.

Normally I do say that “I can’t tell you what to do, but..” however in this case I am telling you to leave, or have him leave. It is really obvious that he isn’t in this marriage, he doesn’t respect you, and he isn’t going to change. He is lying in his own personal hell because of finances and personal sense of entitlement and he is holding you hostage.

Call a lawyer. Get help. Get on with your life.


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