Saturday, January 17, 2009

Stay Friends

Hey Aunt B,

Thank u for taking the time to help me with my personal life,I really, sincerely appreciate it. So, I was in a relationship with this guy for about a month, and then he broke up with me because he said he had problems with commitment, and he said he wanted to end our relationship before something bad happens. Anyways,I was completely shocked and speechless because I didn't see it coming. And I know a month doesn't seem long enough to fall in love with someone, but I think I actually did,even just a little bit. Actually,we were friends for a couple of months and got to know each other before we started dating.Anyways, now we are friends, but not best friends like we were before, but we still talk to each other. I thought we were friends, but now I feel confused because he invited two of my best friends to his birthday party next week, without inviting me. I thought we were cool,but I guess not. At first when I found out, I didn't really care, but somehow I
started talking to my friend about it, and then I burst into tears. I would understand if he wouldn't want to invite me because it would bring up bad memories of us when we were together,but there are absolutely,positively NO bad memories that we have of each other that would make it awkward...I just don't understand....we still talk every once in a while... I don't know....It's just the way that he invited my friends and not me, I kinda feel like he is somehow forcing my friends to choose between me and him...Because if they do go the party,I don't think I can be friends with them anymore...Am I being unreasonable???Should I understand if they want to attend??Should I still be friends with my ex and act like nothing's wrong???Please help!!! By the way, I am only 17, so I need all the help I can get...especially since he was my first boyfriend.. I know what you're thinking, what does a high school girl know about love? Some people have real
problems...But wouldn't you agree that people can develop the ability(yes, ability,because I don't think of love as an emotion,but as an ability) to love at any age? Please don't discriminate me because of my age... Thank you for your time, and please lend me your wisdom if you can. -loveless
Sent from my iPod

Dear Loveless,

You are partially right, love is an ability but it is also an emotion. People have the emotional quality to love regardless on their ability to show that love and accept it from others. And every age goes through different stages and intensities of love.

This was your first relationship, which is a difficult thing to get over on its own, but combine that with being broken up with and not for anything that you can control or had any knowledge was coming... that is even more difficult. So it makes sense that you are hurting and wondering now that the guy has made it clear that he wants to be friends, what the hell his deal is with not inviting you to his party. I know I would have questioned that. And you may never get an answer, unless you confront him on his reason. I would strait out ask him if he really wanted the two of you to be friends or if he was just saying that to be kind. You may not like the answer, so be prepared, but at least you will know where you stand with him.

As for being angry with your friends, that is something that you are doing to yourself, he is not doing that part at all. He is not forcing your friends to choose, you are. Being upset because your friends want to stay friends with him is really poor friendship on your part. And a warning here, if you continue to do that (disown friends because of who they are friends with) you will find yourself very alone, and very bitter. People have the right to be friendly with whomever they wish, and when someone tries to take that freedom away, it usually results in a lost friendship from the pressure person. How would you feel if your friends were telling you that you couldn’t be friends with someone?? Not very good I suspect.

You do have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by this guy, and you will get over him and do just fine. But remember that your friends are individuals and that they deserve your respect, not friendship in return for obedience.

Good Luck, and I hope you can find some closure and move on.


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