Dear Aunt Babz,My husband is an alcoholic we have been married for 8 years we have three kids 7, 5, and 2 this Christmas eve he got drunk and after i got the kids to lay down to sleep he got them up and took them with him to a guys house he drinks with to play with his kids at 10:30 PM i went to the house and got the kids back within minutes and took them to my moms house my problem is that I need to make a decision on weather or not to leave him I do love him but i am not sure if this out ways the bad we see every day with the drinking please help
Dear Reader, Addiction/Alcoholism is such a bitch. I'm sure you'll agree. It not only affects the person and their behavior but like a domino effect, it affects all those around the addict. I know...I am an addict.
It's a bit complicated but I would encourage you to begin your assault on this scenario by arming yourself with knowledge and understanding of just what you are facing. Since you've contacted me via email, I can assume you have access to a computer and internet. Do some research on alcoholism (A.A.), as well as Co-Dependents Anonymous(CODA) and Al-Anon.
Now, forgive this commercial interruption brought to you by "Babz the Banshee"...
You have your hands full, especially when he doesn't see how wrong it is for him to drive drunk with his children in the car. He will when he goes to jail and it, this exact scenario happens every day. Even worse though is the very real fact of his hurting his own children or someone else.
The problem is that when someone is under the influence, they can not see the perils they place themselves or others in... until it is too late. It is proven that your response time is compromised even after one drink. But the proponents for the drinking establishment, namely the drunk will tell you differently.
Now, if you think that CODA which stands for co-dependency has nothing to do with you, let me point out something; he either took or you
Now that might sound harsh but I needed to say it simply because until you begin to see the true seriousness of your situation, there will be no change. I don't want you to be offended by my words, no I want you to arm yourself with them and allow them to strengthen you. I am on your side and I mean this with every fiber of my being.
I am not standing in judgment, ok? I've driven drunk with my own children in the car, something I am terribly NOT proud of. I will readily admit my faults and in fact until I was able to do this, nothing ever got better, nor did it change. In the same vein, until your husband can admit his faults, as well as his powerlessness over this disease and hopefully before it's too late, nothing changes for him either.
I am not implying that you are not a good mother and that you would normally allow such things. I realize you went and picked the children up and probably thanked God nothing happened. But let me tell you that I personally have been incarcerated with people who were in there for driving under the influence(DUI/DWI) and killed someone.
It's a really serious situation that most people do not comprehend until they are sitting in Prison for Vehicular Homicide/Vehicular Manslaughter. In most cases they will be incarcerated for 7 to 10 years, just enough time to lose their families and in the case of women, lose their children if there is no family member to take them during their incarceration.
I personally heard and held the weeping women after they'd just signed papers or came from proceeds or hearings where they just lost their parental rights. Their children were then placed with foster care or adoption agencies. It's no joke and no turning back, no reprieve. All the "apologies" in the world don't make a diddly damn difference.
I realize the difference but I wanted you to know just how serious the situation CAN be. Your husband has got to understand just how bad it
My advice to you is to understand that YOU can not change him. Normally, a person must hit their own personal rock bottom before they see just what the hell went wrong. In order for him to see this and realize that he must change and begin his own road to recovery, there must be repercussions, consequences for his actions, behavior and yes, his alcoholism.
You may very well be the key, the message sending point. What I mean is this; If you do not play hard ball with him, if you continue to allow it to affect you, as well as your children, absolutely nothing will change. Nothing, Nada, Not a Damn Thing. Yes, you will have to send that message to him.
If you do have the means to leave him, I encourage you to possibly sit down and tell him that his behavior has affected not only you but now he has endangered the children. You are prepared to leave him if he does not seek treatment. He will scoff at such measures, you must be prepared for that. "Never in a million years," he will say, "would I ever put the kids in jeopardy"...but he did, under the influence. You've got to be ready to point this out.
The simple truth of the matter is unpleasant but obvious;
"Alcohol and Drugs Cloud and Poison Perception."
His first line of defense will most certainly be to downplay the significance of his behaviors and you've got to be ready, willing and able to strike at that very moment. I can just about guarantee that he'll tell you are being dramatic, making a big deal outta nothing. This is that exact time, the very moment that you must make a stand. You must tell him like it is, you must be strong and you've got to be committed to what you say. You must mean it!
For many in addiction, because they are knee deep in their own crap, they can't smell how bad it stinks as they're used to it as well as half the time they are bombed and either don't remember what they did or they choose not to look at it.
You should give him an ultimatum to seek help, clean up his act before it kills him or he hurts someone else. Yes, this is a deadly game that most do not or can not see until it is too late.
From the post Red Flags, please read
*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™
I wrote this [an excerpt from an assignment I was given] as part of my own personal observations and these drinking habit(s) are/is becoming statistically as prevalent in women as well.
Let me also point something out to you; i.e., if you grew up in a home where there was physical abuse, you are more likely to see/view spousal abuse as the norm. Women who've come from this sort of background quite often think to themselves that they've, of course, done something wrong and deserved it. The stark reality of it is that no one should put their hands on you, especially not your husband. But see, if you've grown up in a home where you were beaten, you are more likely to not only be attracted to that sort of fella but see nothing wrong with the behavior. Or...tell yourself this anyway, right?
In contrast to that very scenario, the same goes for someone who grew up in a home where a parent drank, exhibiting alcoholic behavior. Even though something tells you it's just not right, subconsciously you'll cultivate the thought process to explain it away as somewhat acceptable behavior. What I mean is you'll down play it and never really give it the full weight and merit it truly affords.
I implore you to do your homework long before you go up against something as big as his addiction. You are talking about something, behaviors that can not be eradicated over night. It takes diligence and fortitude to tackle this timeless and terrible disease. Most assuredly, your love will be tested as well as your backbone. I have faith in you, though!
The best advice I could possibly give you is to be very aware of your approach to this whole thing. You must not be judgmental or condescending. Always treat your husband with respect and afford him his dignity. You've really got to let him know that if he makes an effort, you will stand by his side, as a good wife does and will always do. You let him know that you will honor your vows to him...in sickness and in health. That is exactly what it is too; Sickness
In the same way you might view Diabetes, a multifaceted disease, you've got to put Addiction/Alcoholism in an understandable and diffusional light. It's real important to understand that addiction is a disease. I stress this point because just like you or anyone else for that matter, would not ever be ashamed because they had diabetes, they should lose the shame, the stigma that goes along with admitting one is an addict.
The only real shame, in this game, comes from not trying to ascertain sobriety. The only real shame, for any addict is to fool yourself into thinking that you can not attain sobriety. It does take work, hard work and the most important aspect to consider is that it is a continuous effort on the part of everybody involved.
It is imperative to remember as well, especially in the future, to never think, "You've got it dicked." That and getting too comfortable is the addicts first and foremost mistake. If you asked most alcoholics, what led to their relapse, in a unilateral sense, almost unanimously you'll hear that they fell when they quit going to meetings, quit outpatient treatment and more/most importantly quit being honest with themselves.
So the resounding voice of reason, in this and in every case is the application of "**The Twelve Steps." My suggestion is for you to read and study these yourself, then go to your husband, sit him down and talk to him like the best of friends. He must come to realize that his drinking problem has affected you as well as the children. He has got to understand that in order for you to stand behind him, as a good wife does, he's got to be able to stand up himself, literally as well as figuratively.
Yes, behind every great man is a really good woman but that great man needs to have that ability to stand up, stand straight and stand sober if he is to lead his family. Let your hubby know that you believe in him, you will fight tooth and nail against his demons and paramount to this, his condition and circumstance.
Unfortunately, and I'd love to know who started the idea or premise, that a man is measured or governed by certain ideals, basically bad examples of a man. Namely these bad ideals in the form of, to be a "real man" you've got to be a womanizer, heavy drinker, smoker and so on, well, I'd love to dig him up and spit in his face. Heavy, harsh words but if you think about it, these ideals have become the demise of the average man. Have they not?
It is a sad commentary, it really is. If the truth were known, calling a spade a spade, when you look at some of these thoughts, ideals and such, they are an every present, looming, warped sense of reality. This legacy of idealism's, born and bred, fostered and nurtured from father to son, passed down are simply insidious. We are now finding that we have raised dysfunctional and delusional men, especially men but women as well.
Finally, I pray for your strength, wisdom and words, that you might have the heart to not run but forge forward for the sake of your marriage as well as your children. It's real important that you point out to your husband that it is his job to lead by example. He must understand that as it stands, his drinking gives him a clear cut handicap. He is not all the man he can/could and will be nor the father he must be. Yes, he must command respect from his underlings but how will he ever really do this... three sheets in the wind, snot slinging drunk? You can't and it stands to reason, without a doubt in my mind, he'll pass on this insidious curse to his children too. Had he given this a thought?
I am here for you as well as your hubby. Arm yourself with knowledge and enhance your understanding...
Keeping It Real,
Aunt Babz
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today...
When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life's most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, "That's right son, always drink whiskey and you'll never have worms. Now, drink up." This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!
You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father's ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60's, 70's and 80's and possibly, even today, father's still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I've heard, the likes, of Dad's taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, "Red, White and Blue." This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the "Manly" thing to do. What a crock o'crap, huh? To further screw up
Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It's much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;
- Predisposition
- Socio-Cultural
- Environmental
Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin' in the 'hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.
So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.
*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.
Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I'd bet that there are underlying problems, things he's running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I've yet to meet anyone, who didn't have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life's terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it's not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you've been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.
Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It's no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won't get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™
It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child's decision as to who his Dad's life partner will be, should or shouldn't be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I'd point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don't have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less... NOTHING!
You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You'll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He'll equate that, "Hey, this eating healthy gig's not so bad?" I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you've got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.
Your Answer
It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of "fixing" this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,
I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
"Take that bull by the horns and ride."
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.
Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.
AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father's (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin's good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can't fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can't change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone's values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn't like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You've got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don't have to and you won't. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It's quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don't believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it's time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he's not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They'll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It's free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who've walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it's a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much...it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You'd better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you'd better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You've got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he'll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He'll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you've already said it did and he's not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it's important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is "His" decision. If you put it just like that, then he'll feel just that;
That it's his decision!
Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!
The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.
In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.
The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.
A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.
(Click Here for Help)
**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body's natural pain killer. We have receptor's in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.
*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body's own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.
For additional information, see the following websites:
http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm
The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous
- We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors - All Rights ReservedThe Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
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