Good Medicine

Beware This Post Contains Profanity & Racial Overtones

Dear Aunt B,

Hello. I need some advice. I love my boyfriend and known him for years but started dating a couple months ago. He treats me good, shows me love and always calls me. The only thing is I feel like he has a lot of hatred in him. He doesn't like black people and hates gay people. Were both 19 years old. He also has a temper. He won't get violent but he will verbally. I'm afraid of how our future is going to be. Is this something he can grow out of? Should I be worried? I love this guy, hes everything to me. He has a good heart but he has his moments you know? What do you think I should do?
-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

There are a few things going on here and I will address them one at a time;

#1 – You two are still very young. I am not saying that you two wouldn’t end up together in 30 years. But the likelihood is not really there. At any rate, you two are very young and still have a lot to learn about yourselves, and yes he could change. Not saying it would be for the better, but he can change. Have you ever talked openly with him about his hatred? I ask because if he doesn’t “know” that it is a problem then he likely won’t change his mind. He may have been brought up with certain prejudices and needs to know the value of perspective and how that can affect a relationship in order to grow. So if you haven’t talked with him, that would be step one.

#2 – You say he is not violent but is verbally. Is he verbally abusive to you? Because this is a whole other ball park of situations. If he is verbally abusive to you, then you need to tell him and seek help, or get the hell out of that relationship if he refuses to change. I am a firm believer that verbal abuse does indeed lead to physical abuse, and often is more scaring because of the things that can be said. Do not put yourself through that.

#3 – if he is not verbally abusive to you, but is to others then the same thing applies for #2.

#4 – if he has shared with you his dislike for black people and gay people, but is not mean or threatening.. And i know i will be raked over the coals for this one.. But he is human and is entitled to like and dislike things even if it makes absolutely no sense to you, as long as he is not hurting anyone. We are all in this world and like and dislike or understand/not understand certain things. Just because people have different views doesn’t mean that they are horrible people. It means they have an opinion. As long as that decision is not hurting you, or others, then i think it is something you two can get over. For an example, i am not a religious person. Doesn’t mean that i hate all religious people. I have an opinion about what people believe in, but i am tolerant and believe that given the opportunity everyone is ultimately just trying to do better by themselves. So it makes no matter what god they choose to believe in. When it comes to religions banning things like gay marriage though, that is when i get upset and start talking to my personal opinion as to why religions are hurtful instead of good. It really is all dependant on the use of respect, and what he is choosing to say (and by that i mean live by what he says).

So, in short, you need to figure out where this guy lays in the spectrum of things. If he is being abusive, then you need to have a discussion and pending the outcome of that may need to move on. But if he was sharing something with you in confidence and isn’t outwardly being a prick, then this is a case of weather you can stay with someone who has a different moral then you. Not a difference of right or wrong (even if we may have a version of what’s right or wrong in our heads).

Hope this has helped you out a little. Let us know how you decided.

Brightest Blessings,

~Xmichra

Dear Anonymous,

It took a minute to answer you simply because this is such a complex question. It's a life changer, your situation, your life. It's huge, this scenario and it effects so many people. The ramifications are bigger than life. Please bear with me as I am guilty of being long winded...

I want you to know, that even though I don't know you, I know you, ok? I hope you take all I have to say to you seriously. This is a Good Medicine, I want you to swallow. It may be a bit bitter and a tad bit jagged but I care enough to give it to you.¿Comprende?

I think you have every reason in the world to be concerned. There are several factors that make up who/what we are, as well as our outlook on life. This applies to everyone, everywhere, no matter who you are. These factors are also prevalent in addiction(my specialty) and sexuality. You may apply this knowledge to all value and belief systems. They are;

1. Predisposition


2. Social-Cultural


3. Environmental

Quite often there are values and beliefs that are taught to us by our parents. We also learn them from people around us, you know, friends, associates and often from what we see and hear. The ground work is usually layed down by our parents. These habits, values and beliefs may have come from a long line of such. In other words, the person can be taught to hate, have prejudice just as he/she has been taught. Old habits often die hard and the legacy some family's leave their kin is often racial or sexual bias' and prejudice.

It is very unfortunate and more often than not, children see and hear this prejudice from their very own inner circle, their own family members. The parents may not even realize that they are teaching their children these things because, for them, it has been handed down, like an old coat, it becomes second nature.

It is a personal commentary for me to say this but quite often our religious beliefs can fester and foster such hatred. Without realizing it, again, we may have been taught certain religious thoughts or doctrine which harbor hatred and animosity.

You have many different religions, based on different beliefs and quite often the very differences between those religions is based on twists and interpretations of the Word. In other words, the Bible(most popular and read book of all time) more than any other book, has been misquoted, misread, misused and misrepresented. A lot has been lost in translation and even more in interpretation. This in fact, rounds out to be why we believe as we do; The good, bad and ugly.

It has been recorded within the hate crimes statistics that religious beliefs have often spurred violence, in example the beatings of gays because certain individuals believe it is wrong in a religious aspect. As well, Blacks have been beaten, in the not so distant past, for dating a white woman. Long standing religious thought was, that you did not date/marry outside of your race.

*WWJD

It is an extremely sad commentary on life itself with this kind of thinking, especially in a religious context. I will not delve too deeply into this subject because it entails a far reaching religious, political as well as social commentary but suffice it to mention that I dare say I do not believe that killing, beating, ridiculing, etc., over race, creed or sexual preference in the name of God can not be acceptable.

*WWJD

I will say this much; I've been around the block, a time or two. I've come across all kinds of people. In my travels, my almost 50 years upon this earth, I've seen so much, often times, too much. I grew up in the South and witnessed, first hand, racial tension, race riots and sexual discrimination, in every shape and form. It's just ugly beyond ugly.

I have learned this much and you need to point this out to your beau, when the opportunity presents itself; there's trash in every race, creed and sexual preference. Once we realize this we have to observe that not everybody of a certain race, color, as well as gay are all bad.

Yes, the ones that are bad tend to spoil the pot and create dissension. Should a Black man hate, "Whitey," because of the white trash that treated him badly? And should a White man hate all Blacks because some did act like, what is commonly referred to as a "N*****?"

Somehow, even if it is indirectly, you must say to him or in front of him that he must always remember to treat others as he'd want to be treated. If the opportunity presents itself, pose this pertinent question; If he were born Black, through no fault of his own, would he want White guys like him, even uttering the words he so fondly uses, "Nigger?"

In the same scenario, I'll allow you to read a comment I left on the ***local paper here, concerning Gay Marriage. The article has a lot of banter back and forth in the comments section and of course, me and my big mouth just had to weigh in. It explains, in brief, how I feel;

"This scenario hits home
for me as one of my
sons is Gay. He is my best friend and a wonderful
person. I don’t like the fact
that he is Gay, not for religious reasons but
because of all the stereotypical
things associated with Gays. They are
assumed to be deviant, pedophilic and out
and out abhorrent. He has suffered
tremendously at the hands of close minded,
judgmental know-it-alls in this
world. He has been beaten down by the so called
“Religious Fanatics” as well
as the “[Redneck] Nation.” And when I say beat down,
I mean in a literal
sense to where I had to defend him on numerous occasions,
even at gunpoint,
down South in the late ‘80’s. I can not even write here, what
they did to
him. He was beaten unconscious, right here in this town because of
who he
is...

…I would never defend the
Gays who march
around, acting [queer]ly, behaving deviantly, promiscuously
as they are the ones
who give good/loving, relationship seeking, Gay men and
women a bad name. It is
this behavior, deviance, promiscuity that God has a
problem with. Let me point
out though that our God, as well, has issue with
heterosexuals who behave the
same way, i.e. they go out on a Friday night,
to party and go home with the
first guy/gal that she/he meets. They sleep
with them and may not even know
their name and then look forward to the next
weekend where they’ll do it all
over again. Believe me, I am not pointing
fingers…I did it too. May God forgive
me…

…The point is that contrary
to what you might
believe, most are born gay and their attraction to the
opposite sex is hardwired
into their makeup just as prevalent as any
heterosexuals taste/fancy, a man and
his extreme attraction to woman, for
example. And if they are born gay, does God
make mistakes? I do not believe
He does and He does know the heart of that
person. For those that seek out a
loving relationship with the same sex, I
somehow do not believe that God
condemns for this. Again, it is deviant behavior
that He detests Homo or
Hetero...

I’ve watched a loving
relationship that could
not be honored by Civil Union. I knew that his
significant, we’ll call “B” could
not put him on his Insurance. I watched as
they built their home together, a
home that B, who I call my son-in-law, had
purchased prior to their meeting.
They paid bills together, furnished the
house and fixed it up. Yes, they made it
a “home.” But if B were to die, we
were made painfully aware that my son would
not get that home, this place
that was lovingly put together by the two of them.
Hell, even if B was in
the Hospital, possibly dieing, my son would not be even
considered immediate
family. The one person that B would want there with him
possibly to hold his
hand as he took his dieing breath, would be an outcast and
not allowed there
to comfort him with that same love they shared…

…I have real issue with
parading Gays, acting
outlandish, even freakish because that’s what you, Joe
Q. Public believe is a
gay person. A lot of bad apples have rotted the
barrel of perception. You don’t
see the mild mannered gay who just wants to
live as close to normal life, with
the one they love. You might not know
them because they don’t want to be
associated with those outlandish people.
They simply want to honor their love
for the one person who makes them
smile, shares their laughter and love, good
and bad, in sickness and in
health. They simply want to be able to provide and
pass on the security of a
loving relationship, whether it is through
inheritance, insurance or what
not. They simply want the same respect that a
married man and woman have for
the same simply reason, people marry every single
day. Ask yourself; Why do
men and women marry beyond the religious aspect of the
ceremony? This is the
exact same reason, your answer to that question, why Gay’s
want Civil
Union."

Having said all that, (Yes, I shoot from the hip, always have, always will)I want you to really think about a few things. First of all, I question personally, if this guy is good for you. Why you ask? Well, I've just got this feeling. I don't know if you realize it or not but for someone to be verbally abusive is just about as bad as physical abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse, ok? I've been there, done that and regret the whole time I wasted thinking I could fix things and get his negative ass to calm down.

Think about this too; Do you really think he respects you if he talks to you like that? Every relationship must be founded on just a few things; Trust and Respect. If you have neither, you have no relationship. You must have both...

Oh, you say he respects you? Well, let me put it all into perspective; Think of one person he respects, whether it be his Dad, a Teacher, Police Officer, whomever? Would he talk smack to them? Would he verbally abuse them? No, he wouldn't because he knows there are repercussions for that behavior. Similar to respecting a Law, you don't break it unless you have no respect for it.

It's a shame but sometimes people are just dripping with negativity. They know nothing else. Quite often also, they will only allow the emotion "ANGER," and nothing else. It's a survival technique they've learned long ago. They are often the type who just loves to instill fear in people. It's a sure sign of self-esteem issues and more often than not, they have a very low self-esteem. But you wouldn't think it, huh? No, he's cocky to a fault and seems sure footed. But here's the gig; He treats you like he does because it's the only way he can feel superior.

Take a careful look at his friends. I'd be willing to bet that most of his friends fear him. They are his minions and do everything possible not to piss him off. Yea, he's a real machine gun when he gets fired up and nobody wants to get him on a roll. I hate to ask this question but are you a **minion too?

I do not want you to waste another minute. I do not want you, 20 years from now, thinking, "Damn, Aunt B was right." You can not fix him.

Nothing changes unless he wants fixed, remember this. Furthermore, he can't and will not change if he's not willing to look in the mirror. I can see that he is dripping negativity, while you are the exact opposite. You look for the Silver Lining in everything around you, every person, every situation. Thus, you see only his good side. Never change that about yourself, G-Friend. Be you at all costs. But make damn sure you do not allow him to take you down.

How do I know all this? I lived it. I really believed in him, I loved him like no tomorrow. He did everything he could to break my spirit and he almost won. I wish I'd have had an Aunt B that would sit me down and say, "Girl, you are bright and beautiful and he is snuffing out your light. Why would you allow this to continue? Why, if you know he is drowning in his own vile hatred, do you think you can continue to love yourself when he does his best to best you and make you feel like shit? How can you talk yourself into to thinking you love someone who represents all that is mean and angry? Yes, I know, he's good in bed but you can't live your life in bed. I also know he has a really good side and I know he can be so sweet at times. But the question is; Can you really look in the mirror, deep into your heart and tell me everything is going to be ok?"

If per chance, you find your love is so strong you are willing to endure his behaviors, if perchance you do not heed my warnings, if perchance you think I'm full of shit and don't know diddly squat...I want you to at least begin to "Plant Seeds." What that means is, without being confrontational, you begin an assault, a mind set where you make short-n-sweet statements. If he says something that's real derogatory, like when he's yelling at you, you ask him if it's really necessary for him to act this way? If he's busting on someone or about something, as calm as still water, you say, "You should calm down, this isn't really good for you to get all worked up over such a little thing." By saying this, he'll have to think for a minute, (it may also afford a minute or two for him to stop the tirade, you know, break his momentum)especially that maybe he looks like an asshole going on and on about the little things.

Seriously though, guys like him die early because of blood pressure, etc. and even worse, I have concern for your well being. Enough said!

He's got to learn that all this hatred he spits out is and will eventually come back and bite him in the ass. How do I know that? Yep, I have big bite marks on my bum. You know, I never believed in Karma and such but you treat enough people like crap and my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ knocks on your door.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*WWJD; What Would Jesus Do???

**Minion-

1. An obsequious follower or dependent; a sycophant.
2. A subordinate official, especially a servile one.

***Post Journal; Who
Defines Gay Marriage

Bull and Baggage

Dear Aunt B,

My boyfriend got put in jail 7 months ago about 2 months ago i meet a really nice man me and him hit it off right away but he was dating this girl for a 13 months but after talking to me he started to like me a lot and broke it off with this chick.Me and him jumped into way too fast and he started to think about his ex so me and him broke up and month has passed and he still dint know who he wanted to be with finnaly him and the chick got back together but he tells me how much they fight and that he tierd of all her shit and he likes me so much and how wonderful i am i just dont know what to do i try to move on but he doesnt want me to date anyone he gets upset when i go out and chill with my guys friends and the hardest part is i am the one that always makes him smile when he is upset so it hurts to be the one upseting him its crazy how me and this guy are alike and the sad part is he knows it to I Just really dont know what to do

thanks for your time

*Kayli
Nicole*

Dear K***

Okay. This is going to be short, but really you don’t need a big long elaboration on something so simple.

Seems to me that this new guy you were seeing isn’t worth your time. He obviously wants you and his girlfriend, and he obviously cannot commit fully to one woman. So why are you hanging around??

You deserve a lot better, and you will find a lot better, but only if you give it up with this guy. He is bad news.

Completely break the ties with this guy and move on. You will thank us for it later.

~Xmichra


Dear *Kayli Nicole*,

You've heard the expression, "Having your cake and eating it too," right? This guy wants it all. He will continue to have it all as long as you allow it. Things will not change either until you do one of two things; Put your foot down and tell this guy you don't play relationship games or better yet; you move on and find a guy that you don't need to fix, without all the bull and baggage.

More importantly, I'd like you to think about a few things; Him & Her. I want you to do a "View Over." This is a my metaphorical name, one which I use where you try to place yourself in a different place and time, you hover over the scene/situation. You will then see that situation in a different light. It is my metaphorical expression but I want you to, literally, in your mind, go to him and her. This may be a bit uncomfortable...

Ask yourself and peer into that room, where he is with her...does he say the same things to her? Does she know about you? If she does know about you, is he telling her that same line he feeds you? And most of all, if he'd fool around on her with you and with you on her, what's to stop him from playing the same game, maybe down the road but with some new girl?

G-Friend, this is a whole set-up and you need to get as far away from him as possible. Pull off that Band-Aid, feel the sting, open your eyes, wide open, get angry, calm down and move on. There's a guy just waiting to meet you, right now. He's wishing he could meet a girl who'd be loyal and true blue. He's so sad without you and he has so much to give. No, he's not rich but he works hard and will work even harder at making you smile. Open Your Eyes!!!

Let me know when you meet him...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Tame the Blame and Shame Game

I am personally going through a few things myself and was researching "Guilt." I found a couple of links I wanted to share.

From Erupting Minds Self Improvement;

Should I Feel Guilty? Or Shouldn't I?

From Torah.org;

Jewish Guilt by Rabbi Dovid Hoshberg

Grieving on The Installment Plan

Dear Aunt B,

My mom died a week ago of ovarian cancer after battling with it for

about 5 months, and I'm just... not that sad. I do miss her,but not

like I thought I would. I'd rather have her here with me, but I'm okay

with the fact that she's gone. I haven't cried, except for the night

she died, and I'm not angry or hurt or... anything. If anything, I'm

relieved that the whole ordeal is over, and that I no longer have to

come home and see her slowly cannibalize herself and slip away from

us, and that she's finally out of all the pain that she was in. I feel

like I lost her a month ago when she just stopped hugging, kissing, or

even looking at me, but still. It's my mom that died, and I'm not

grieving out of my mind. Life is kind of peaceful now for me, and I

know that sounds terrible, but I just can't understand why her death

is so alright with me. My father is taking it hard, my family is

too... even my friends are more upset than I am. But for some reason,

I'm still going to school (I went the next day), still doing

everything I normally do, and I'm even laughing and having a good time

with my friends. The only thing that has changed is that I now value

my family and friends more, and seem to have more of an appreciation

for everyone and everything around me.

But is it terrible that I'm so calm and composed about this whole

deal? Shouldn't I be a bit more depressed about her not being with us

anymore? Or is it normal for me to just be happy that it's all over

and she's in a better place, and for me to get on with my life so

quickly? I honestly don't know what to say to everyone who always asks

how I'm doing. I feel strange saying "Oh, I'm actually doing really

well,".

Thanks,

-Alicia
Dear Alicia,

We all grieve differently. There is no defining factor, there is no set of rules. There are only suggestions and the main one is to allow yourself to grieve. I personally have done it on the "Installment Plan."

You asked,

"Or is it normal for me to just be happy that it's all over

and she's in a better place, and for me to get on with my life so

quickly?"

Your Faith speaks volumes to me. When my Grandpa died, I cried that night and that was it. I knew and had an awesome Peace that he is in a better place. And it was that very man, my Grandpa who instilled that faith in me. I look through my pics online or I come across his pics and often might feel like, well, I will tear up, all these years later but it is because I miss him.

When my husband died in 1989, I held it in, doing the bravery thing for our sons. Quite often, I will hear a song of endearment, i.e. Blood, Sweat & Tears, "You Made So Happy," he'd taken me to their concert for our first wedding anniversary back in 1976. He had them announce our anniversary and they then dedicated the song to me, from him. If I happen to hear that song and per chance the wind is blowing a certain way, I just might lose it. The flood gates open.

As I said, I tend to grieve on the Installment Plan. Of course, there's a lot to that story; regret and a sense of I wish I knew then what I know now as we were separated when he died. I'd left him because of his behavior, knee deep in pain related addiction. I was young and dumb and I thought I knew it all. I sure didn't...

There may be more to your story than you share(concerning the relationship between you & Mom) but I think you'll probably grieve on that installment plan too. I see nothing wrong with it and if your Mother's wishes were known, on this very day, I am willing to bet that although you two often butted heads, you were and are more alike than you know and she does not want you to hurt, least of all over her. In fact, she just might be there with you and your smile makes her happy.

I call it "Calm Assurance." It is what you have. It is a faith based feeling where you just know all is going to be well, in respects to your Mom. And I'd rather you felt this way than anything else...

However, I do not want you to feel guilty about these feelings or lack thereof, ok? If it does tend to overwhelm you, these pangs of guilt, I would suggest a Grief Counselor. They can/will help you process your feelings. My own Father died from the "Big C" and cancer is an awful way for someone to die. You watch them slowly, painfully slip away. It challenges the greatest of minds, the strongest of hearts.

You just went through an horrendous loss. This wasn't just anybody but the woman who gave you life. She will not be there for many momentous occasions. I know there are so many times I wish my Husband, Dad, Grandma's and Grandpa's could be here and see what I see. I so badly wish that my husband was here to share our Grandkids as I think he would've been a wonderful Grandpa. Every now and then, it hits me and I tear up again. If such feelings visit you, let it all out.

You are more than welcome to write me and as a matter of fact, I would look forward to updates as to how you are doing, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





Dear Alicia,

I personally think that we grieve in different ways for each person we lose... and differently then others will with the loss.

It sounds to me like your mom was in a really bad place, and the cancer was eating away at her. I had an uncle die of skin cancer this way, and it was hard to deal with much less see everyday.

When someone who is really sick and not themselves does die, there are people out there who look at the |bright side| in that the person is no longer suffering (ending your suffering too, because no one wants to see their loved ones in pain), and are able to cope with the loss.. .because it is actually a blessing.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all about the way you are dealing with the loss of your monther. Just don't sell yourself too short, because it may one day effect you differently and you won't expect it. Let the grief be what it is, the loss of a significant person in your life, and don't beat yourself up over you thought you had dealt with this. You have. But love travels long and far, and you never know when things might effect you.

I am sorry for your loss, and hope that the memories you do have are comforting and will continue to make you feel good.

~Xmichra

October 21, 2008

Slice of Guilt Pie

Dear Aunt B.,

I am writing to you seeking advice on two different guys. The first one is a guy that I work with who I will refer to as Mr. A...He is 29 and has 3 kids (I'm 18 with no children) and a while ago he asked for my number and told me he liked me and stuff.....Well after we had been talking for a while he told me that I shouldn't get too attached because he's too old for me, but he wouldn't mind if we fooled around! After that little hint I just tried to back off and let things go, because I'm not that type of girl........However, about a week ago a friend of mine introduced me to this other guy who is 19 and childless, who I will call Mr. R.......we hit it off really well at first and he asked me out on a date. Well Mr. A called me that night and one of my sisters told him I was on a date.....so later that night at around 3 AM he starts texting and calling me saying that he really does want to date me but he doesn't want to put all his baggage on my shoulders!!! So he asked me out on a date and I told him I'd let him know later in the week........two days later he saw my older sister at her job and asked her out on a date!!!!!!! I don't know if i really have the right to be as upset as I really am, because it's not like he's my boyfriend or anything, but to go after my sister was just plain cruel!!! At this point I don't know if I should avoid him at work or just be cordial with him...because I know if he wanted to he could make me miserable at work!
Now the second guy, Mr. R is really sweet and very respectful, but the problem is that his ex dumped him a little over a week ago and she seems to come up in almost all of our conversations!!!! It gets pretty uncomfortable, but I almost feel like it would be rude to say something about it.....I really like him, but I don't know if or how I can help him get over his ex!
ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Romantic

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

Okay, I will answer in the realm of the two guys. #1 is the 29 w kids, #2 is the 19 without kids.

Bachelor #1 – does have baggage. But even more so you work with him (and if you work FOR him, this is very much harassment) and as a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to not date people you work with for this exact reason. At any rate, he is 10 years older then you and has responsibilities that you have no experience with yet. He will have bills, credit, possibly a mortgage, and kids to deal with. You do not have any of those things yet, and at 18 you have a lot of time to think about getting to that point in your life. So definitely slow down.

How to deal with #2 – tell him that you don’t think that it is a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Explain that you want to stay friends, and even if it wasn’t for the work thing you are simply not ready to deal with three kids and all the responsibilities that he has. If he is a complete asshole, he will make your life difficult anyways. But if he really is a good guy he will realize that you are just trying to be honest about the situation and don’t want anyone getting hurt.



Bachelor #2 – this guy was JUST dumped. It wasn’t his choice (hence the term dumped) so he’s likely to feel hurt still. How long him and his ex dated will affect how long he will feel sorta bad too... I mean if it was like a month long thing then I am sure he will snap out of it rather fast and he just needs to deal with the dumping part (no one likes to be rejected) but if it was like a year relationship it’s going to take some time. He is vulnerable and leery, as you would be. So give him some time to get over the ex and the ex dumping him. But you can always say something encouraging swaying how he talks with you about his ex. saying something like “I know that you were hurt, but I am not her. And I was thinking it might be a positive thing right now if we could focus on having a good time, maybe it would help you get over the loss.” See how something like that goes over. If he is totally depressed then he will blow you off... so be careful not to sound like you are being defensive of your own qualities or that you are making the ex sound like a bitch. He may still have feelings for her, and that is understandable.



Hope that did you some good!

Good Luck!


~Xmichra~


Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

In case you've not read it here, some of my other posts, I'll inform you that I have what I like to call the gift of Intuition, ok? I got the Willy's when I read about this guy that asked your sister out. For some reason, I think he's nothing but trouble and yes, you should just steer clear of him. Tell your Sis not to go out with him either, alright?

You have that dude at a clear disadvantage though and I'd use it if need be. If he approaches you again, you simply/calmly tell him that you'd thought about going out with him till he went behind your back and asked your sister out. You tell him that it was rather hurtful and you walk away. Leave him with a slice of guilt pie which may very well cause him to feel badly enough to leave you alone. Hopefully, huh?

Even if Mr. A has the ability to make your life a living hell at work, you also have a trump card up your sleeve. There are unwritten rules governing this universe and he has to know that he broke a major one. Only an idiot could say they didn't know that you don't ask out a family member or best friend of a girl/guy of someone you may have dated or fed a line to. And yes, Mr. A is full of lines and bullshit. But you already know this, don't you?

The very first time he approaches you, if he even looks at you, you've got to have your game face on and wear your Bitch Belt. I think he did you dirty by doing what he did and I think you have reason to feel upset at his cruel and insensitive game. So, you've got to remember this as well as the fact that you'd done nothing wrong. So, I would use the slice of guilt pie approach as I said before. I truly do not believe that this hurt you but I do know it pissed you off. But I'd make him think that it was hurtful and hope he goes away feeling like the piece of shit that he is.

Concerning Mr. R; It's never a real good idea to date a guy that's just been dumped. There's that good ol' "rebound effect" along with all the other games people play. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may not be able to help talking and feeling all kinds of emotion. He may have just been wounded and might need time to get over this. You might say something like,"You seem to be a bit overwhelmed by your break-up as you keep bringing it up. Do you need time to sort out your feelings?" By saying it like this, it'll look as if you're only bringing up the obvious without actually saying that it bothers you for him to continually speak about her. I know it would bug me but you might need to reason with the fact that he's not really had time to "get over" her.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

The Chilling Effect

Absolutely gripping and beyond chilling...this is by far the best video I've seen in a long time. I am living this right now. It must be seen, it must be heard. If enough people can begin to understand and take a stand, many, countless people may not have to suffer and die needlessly...

License to Breed

Dear Aunt B,

Hi Iʼm 18 and have just graduated high school and am proud to say that I went threw high school with out having sex but here's the problem I have been with my boyfriend Doug for three years and I am truly in love with him. he is also a virgin and for a long time we talked about waiting till we got married to have sex but we have talked about it and feel that sex is a big part of a relationship that can unfortunately change the relationship in its self. being so young we know that we will have to deal with a lot when we do get married and want to explore as much as we can before we take the next step in are commitment to each other and tie the knot. but I am not stupid my mother was 15 and my father was 17 when I was born. my mother left when I was 3 so I was never able to hear her side of the story but my father has always been open about how hard it was for him to be a teenage parent. so thatʼs why Iʼm so confused these days. I brought up the fact that me and Doug would like to try and have sex but i didnʼt want to do it without birth control to my father he said he would call his insurance and see what we had to do and what doctors were open to me. that was about 6 months ago if not longer. unfortunate 3 days ago one thing lead to another and me and my boyfriend ended up having sex I do not regret it in anyway but now I am more then determent to get on it ( especially since I will be moving in with him soon) but now my father story has changed and he refuses to help me or allow me to use his insurance. with my boyfriend unemployed at the moment and my 7.75 an hour wages I cant afford to go to a doctor and want to avoid planed parent hood at all cost please help I am not sure what to do from here
as always

Vic/ Tory

Dear Vic/ Tory,

If you were sitting right here with me, right now, is exactly how I am going to write/talk to you, ok? I will tell you just like I would tell one of my own (which are many)kids, grandkids or even great grandkids, when they grow up. Capish?

First, I'll tell ya how very proud I am that you waited and you waited to do this (share yourself with) with a guy you care deeply about. It's very true, sex complicates things immensely in any and all relationships. We may not feel the consequences, repercussions or propensity for disaster that sex entails but every single time, you have sex with anybody, you are taking so many chances. It's almost like playing the Lottery; will you win the guy, will you win a pregnancy, will you win a disease? Yada Yada Yada

I imagine you are aware of all these things as it does sound to me like you are very level-headed. I can also tell you are sweet spirited with a strong backbone and moral fiber. Good combo. I hope that you will always stick to your guns when you feel the need. Yes, you will be challenged but it seems to me that you are the type that pays attention and heeds the warnings, especially when it comes to learning from others mistakes. Not everybody has this, ya know. No, some of us dummies have to learn everything the hard way, i.e. myself.

Of course I'd heard if you sleep with a guy you can get pregnant. Did I think it would happen to me? No, I did not and had my first of three sons at the tender age of 16. Women have been getting prego and having babies since the dawn of time, yet I thought that only happens to those other stupid girls. What a dumb ass, huh? Although I'd never imagine my life w/o my boys, I can tell you first hand, it changed my life as well as theirs. Yes, having children not only alters your life but your body as well.

I hope you continue to pay close and careful attention to others' mistakes. If you do, you just might have the charmed life I anticipate for you. Read This!

As I stated at the top of this post, I will tell it like it is, like you were one of my own; If you are woman enough to lay like a woman, you must also be woman enough to find the resources to facilitate your needs...

See, your Dad feels like he's giving you the License to Breed, if he gives in and helps you with this birth control thing. Somehow I just know he has contemplated all this and feels he does not want to sanction your situation. It's quite possible he feels that if he holds out, so might you? I know he can have misplaced and misunderstood emotions/behaviors/reasoning but he loves you like the sun. He's a bit gruff and can be quite stubborn but he only has your best interest at heart. It's actually quite hard for him to stomach the idea of some guy laying down with his baby no matter how hard he tries or how open minded he tries to be. Ya gotta love him...

I don't know what your beef is with Planned Parenthood, although I have a good idea(and feel the same way). Your values and beliefs are very strong and I can appreciate it as well as honor it. Keep those "colors" flying high. However, I tend to think that you should bend just a bit and look at the good aspect of what they are doing; Preventive Medicine.

Preventive Medicine is a good thing. If they can stop even one unwanted pregnancy, I'm all for it. If they can prevent just one girl/woman having to make the choice of whether or not she'll get that abortion, I'm all for it. I will say it loud and proud; I do not believe in Abortion. So, let's do everything humanly possible, before hand to thwart and nix an unwanted pregnancy. Make's sense, does it not?

So, if possible, embrace that last paragraph and get your butt up there before you find yourself asking Dad for two more things; can you get married or can he pay for you to go to the Obstetrician?




Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Try On That High Heel

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, I hope things are well with you. My question is, I have been living with this man for 2 years and I love him so very much, he is 54 and I am 45. He had a child out of wedlock years ago she is now 21. She lives a few states away. He had carried on a relationship with her mother and I believe her mother still loves him. He wants to go visit his daughter, by himself, who lives with her mother. Incidently the daughter has never accepted me or really has been given a chance because he said that he didnt want to damage their relationship (she has always wanted them to get together). He also has 2 other children with his last exwife. They love me and we get along very well and I love them. Am I wrong in thinking that I should not be left out of this relationship. In the past he has stayed at their house overnight. I feel if you live with someone its not just dating. If you feel I am correct please tell me what I might say to him to make him understand. Thank you so much for your time

Dear M*******,

Seems that you have three parts to your question:

1. Should you be left out of the relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter?
2. Should you be worried that he is going to visit them alone?
3. Should you say anything to him, and if so what?

So I will try my best to answer these (and if I am wrong, please let me know. But this is what it sounds like you are asking).

1 – Relationships with kids and parents are very tricky indeed. But all in all, if he has made his choice (which is to be with you) then he should be man enough to support you (his choice) and be with you regardless of what his daughter thinks. I don’t think that you should be “left out” of the relationship, because the relationship is between the two of you, not his daughter. The relationship that you have with his daughter may not be the best situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own mind up about that.

2 – Now, I don’t want this to sound the wrong way… but you believe that the mother still loves your boyfriend. What does that have to do with him? Can you trust him? Do you feel that you should be there to guard your relationship? This is stuff which is all about you… not her. Having said that, I personally wouldn’t let him go alone. But I am the type of woman who believes that you take your significant other with you to significant things… like seeing your daughter or going on trips, regardless on if the Ex was there or not. But if you haven’t had a problem with this with other trips that he has taken, then the problem lays with the trust, and that is a problem bigger then this question.

3 – I can understand that you do not want to be shut out of this relationship and want to make it work. So when you are talking to him, make sure that you are relaying that exact message and that you really want the two of you to have a shot at living a good life, and she is an important part of his life. Stress how important it is to you that the things that are important to him are important to you, and that you don’t want this to come between you. That you want to be able to have a relationship with his daughter, she is an adult now, and by keeping you from her it only enables her hatred of you.

Things I would make sure of before you enter that conversation though, is if you have trust issues with him going alone and that is why you are truly upset. Because if you go into the conversation with the “I want a relationship with your daughter” speech and there is no truth to it, the conversation will soon unravel and you will end up in an argument. A very big argument.

Just be truthful and talk to him about what it is you want and fear. This should be something that the two of you can discuss.

I hope things work out for you, and for the family.

~Xmichra.

Dear M*******,

Some of us, for some reason are not able to put things into perspective. This is often true with men, in particular. While they can be brilliant, they often do not have common sense in certain situations. This is why God made woman...

You must simply put all this in terms that he can understand. Break it all down, each and every point you need to make. The good ol', "Put the shoe on the other foot," situation.

I would start by explaining to him, if the tables were turned, in each given situation, how would he feel? Would any of this bother him? Would he feel the same way, if it were you going to visit your ex and so on and so on.

Yes, just simplify the obvious and it's quite possible he'll be able to try on that high heel.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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