Your Life

Editors Note; This is one of the most painful posts I've had to deal with, up and to this point. This is an updated situation that was first addressed several months ago. You may read the initial post, "You Hold the Key," to fully understand the ramifications of this powerful and perplexing question.


Dear Aunt B,

Do you remember me? If you don't, I guess I could just refresh your memory a little bit. A little under a year ago, I think, I emailed you because I had problems with my father and I was taken away. I need a little more advice, if you don't mind helping me again.

My new foster parents said I could visit my mother because she is on her medication. I really do want to see her, but I am extremely nervous about it. My mom had an accident where she fell and had some brain damage, so some of her memory is gone, which means that she doesn't really remember anything about the way my father has treated us both recently. I know she really loved my father, and that fact that she doesn't remember anything doesn't really help me much. Because she loved him so much, I have a feeling in my gut that she wouldn't believe me if I told her what he has done. How could I explain to her why I can't live with her anymore, and why my father is in jail? Is there any way to do this without completely crushing her and putting her into another spiral of depression, or without coming to completely hating me for what I did?

I am sort of getting the feeling like I tore my family apart, and to my mom, for no reason at all. With my mom's loss of memory its almost like a completely new slate, and I would love if the thought my father's actions did not have to be in my mom's head, but I just don't know what to do at this point. Can you help me at all?


Dear Friend,

This whole thing has broken my heart from day one. I have prayed that you will find happiness, understanding and ultimately, forgive your father for what he has done. That is a tall order, for what he did to you was beyond any reasonable persons ability to forgive. As well, I am more than happy that you were able to get out of that situation.

But my Dear, you are a very special girl, I just know this and your heart is huge. You may suffer for this, all the days of your life but you are one of the "good people," the few, the proud, left walking this earth. That sounds rough, huh? Don't ever change that, ok? Another tall order.

I also pray that you have been able to get into counseling? All that you have been through, you need to work through it all, sift through the ashes and begin to build yourself back up again. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling, if you have not, up to this point. You've gone through so much at such a tender age and I would love to know that you did not have to go through all this alone. Now, if you have not asked for some form/sort of counseling, I really suggest that you insist upon it.

This is a rather complex situation with twists and turns, bumps and mountains. I have every confidence in you, that you will climb and stand at the top of this mountain of pain. You are stronger than you even realize. As well, you have the heart of a giant, the soul of an Angel and the personality of a cool summer breeze. I would simply ask that you use all the resources available to keep that intact. Yes, a woman is only as good as her tools so you must use your tools. In counseling, you'll possibly learn coping skills and attain a strategy to enable you to put all this painful stuff behind you.

I am holding your hand through this. You've walked through the fire, a fire I know all too well. The wonderful thing about this is the fact that you made it through that fire, forged into a young woman, tempered as gold is tempered. Mark my words, you will be a better woman for all this and all things happen for a reason. If you remember this, you can move on to the next Chapter, in this book;
Your Life.

My concern, at this juncture is, and I hate to repeat myself, but are receiving counseling? No, you don't have to be crazy to go for counseling, a woman is only as good as her tools, right? You must use every available resource/tool to help you in this life, your life. What you have gone through, in these few years, in your young life, is absolutely horrific. I am more than sorry that you had to go through all this and it pains me to know that you might be scarred by it all.
*Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. Let go and let God deal with your father.

I'd told you before that you are the key, you have the key and you must use that key. You still possess that key. It is emblazoned on your heart. You must use it to let go, let God and forgive, just for starters.

Forgiveness is a huge word, isn't it?

Forgiveness;

The act or an instance of forgiving: absolution, amnesty, condonation, excuse, pardon, remission. Seeforgiveness/vindictiveness.

To forgive someone is to forswear resentment, anger, or other reactions to their having done something that justifies such responses. The philosophical problem is that this is apparently treating them better than they deserve; but how can it be a requirement, or even be permissible, to treat someone in any other way than as they deserve? The advice of Augustine, that we hate the sin but not the sinner also suggests an objective or impersonal attitude towards the sinner, as if the character of the agent is only accidentally connected with the hatefulness of his or her actions, and it has been argued, notably by Strawson, that this objective stance is inconsistent with full recognition of the personhood of others.

Yes, it's not easy but I believe you've already begun the journey down this path. Some people might even question me telling you this and even ask the question;

"How can she forgive her father for what he has done to her?"

We must always treat others as we would want to be treated. What your father did to you is and was reprehensible and just about unforgivable. I'm sorry to say but I don't give two s**ts in hell about your father. But I do care about you and your welfare, your healing and your rise above all this.

My suggestion to you is two fold;

I would ask you to seek counseling and bring up these issues, especially concerning how to deal with your Mother. I would also suggest that you speak to whomever it is that your Mother is in counseling with and seek their opinion as to how to proceed. It's a bit much for you to have to deal with all you've gone through and still have to worry about hurting your Mom. She must be in the care of a Physician, right? So, I think it would be wise of you to speak with them and quite possibly they can help you deal with this issue in a treatment setting?

Most of all, I wish that you would not be strapped with all this guilt, you wear so passionately. None of this is your fault. Read that again; None of this is your fault! You should have never been subjected to what you were put through. Your father will one day answer for his behavior and I dare say, I would not want to be in his shoes.

Please hear me and ask your Foster Parents to get you into some form of treatment. You've been through far too much to bear the brunt of all this alone. If for some reason you feel you can't ask them, then I suggest that you go to your school Guidance Counselor. They will steer you in the right direction and it is their job to take note of a situation.

I am not passing the buck, as they say, when it comes to answering your question. I simply do not feel you should go through this alone. Many of us have suffered through molestation, rape and abuse. You are not alone, in that respect but you do have to live within your own skin and I want you to like you. Right now, I think, just simply gathered from your words alone, that you don't care too much for yourself. You carry a tremendous amount of guilt around, guilt that you should not wear.

Guilt, much like anger, will eat you up inside. It can and will affect you the rest of your life, unless...you work through it, look at it and see that it does not serve you. You must see that it does not look good on you, you don't wear it well and it is choking you. Do whatever it takes to get it off you, throw it away, burn it.

Be good to yourself, please? I have the feeling that your pain, what you've gone through will help others, in the end. So, take what you've gone through, work through any anger, pain, guilt, shame and tame it all. Allow it all to empower you, to make you stronger. Own it before it owns you, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*"Vengeance is mine saith the Lord!"

"for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." (Romans 12:19)

God did not say vengeance is ours. He said vengence is His. If we want to be on the receiving end of God's blessings and favors, we have to truly understand what it means to give it completely over to the Lord.

"Do not say I'll pay you back for this wrong! Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you." Proverbs 20:22

Lesson of a Lifetime

Dear Aunt Babz,

This requires a little bit of history...I'm totally lost here, so forgive me if I seem to be writing a book. I've changed all the names for the sake of privacy. My girlfriend, Miranda, and I have been dating for only six weeks, but we've been good friends for a year or so before that. Originally, she was chasing after me, but since we've started dating I've fallen fast and hard for her. However, we agreed to take things slow and have not done anything other than quick kisses...not even French kissing. Her best friend, Jayden, lives in England (we live in America), and her best American friend is named Alexi -- I know Alexi better than Jayden, but I talk to both of them often, at least a few times a week. Alexi, Miranda and I all work together. At work, we have three assistant managers; usually we work under a woman named Jess. She's very well liked and trusted by everyone.

Saturday afternoon, Miranda tried to call out of work for that night. That morning, Jason, her sister's fiance, hit Meg, her sister. They lived together and always seemed to be fighting, but this was the first time he physically abused her. Both Meg and Jason have rage issues. Meg left Jason, and moved in with Miranda and her parents. Miranda wanted to be there for her sister, and knew that we could get by without her at work that night. Jess would not let her call out, and insisted that she come in. I was text messaging Miranda at the same time, and I told her not to bother coming in. I told her she doesn't need this job (I'm pretty wealthy and would definitely take care of her -- since we've started dating I'm sure I've already spent over $1,000 on her; she knows that is no matter to me and that I would do anything for her). I told her to do what she needed to do, and be with her family.

She ended up coming into work, and was the maddest I've ever seen her. She went into the back and punched a locker, and was not in a good mood at all. Jess saw how upset she was and let her leave early. I could not leave what I was doing. Looking back, I should've abandoned my job and run to her before she left. I definitely spoke to her every time she walked past, but I didn't act as concerned as I felt. I let her go, I think. I think that was my mistake.

After leaving work, I learned she did not go home. She talked to Jayden (British best friend) and told her that there was no point in living. She was going to drive into a telephone pole. According to Jayden, she went on for a good fifteen minutes and was genuinely serious. Jayden asked what was wrong but never got an answer. Jayden didn't even know about the Jason and Meg situation. Jayden called Alexi in hysterics -- being in England, she couldn't do much but knew Alexi might have a bigger impact. Alexi came into work and told me what Miranda told Jayden. Both of us were obviously worried, but Miranda did not respond to either of us. We didn't want to betray Miranda's trust of Jayden, so we tried to seem concerned without letting on that we knew.

Miranda and Meg came in to work later that night and did a bit of shopping. Miranda talked to me, everything seemed normal. I didn't ask any questions other than if she was okay. I figured there was more to this situation that she just wasn't comfortable telling me. I wanted to give her space. She seemed ok, introduced me to Meg, and everything was as good as I could expect. I didn't know how to act, really, so I might've seemed a little awkward, but I would think that's understandable.

The next day, Sunday, Miranda and I were supposed to hang out. I go to college during the week and come home on the weekends, so Sunday night we always get together before I head back to school. I sent her a message when I was leaving work that I would see her soon -- all I got back was "I can't go out." I said that's fine, you need to do what you have to do and I understand that you want to be there for your family. I got no answer back. I called her that night, maybe seven hours later, and she didn't answer her phone. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, and I left a message saying so. That one message, "I can't go out," was all I've heard from her in the last four days.

I asked Alexi what was going on. A few hours after telling me that she could not go out, Miranda asked Alexi if she wanted to play tennis. Alexi turned her down -- she had too much homework and didn't have the time. This seemed odd to me, but I figured Miranda just had something on her mind she didn't feel comfortable talking about with me. Monday night, the two of them worked together and Alexi told me that they had a good talk. She didn't want to tell me what it was about, but she said it had nothing to do with me. I was not the issue. Miranda also spoke with Jess, and all Jess told me was that I need to give her space, and that Miranda's "never been in this situation before." I have no idea what's going on, and I just don't know what to do.

Her ex-boyfriend raped her a few months ago, that's one of the main reasons why we're moving so slowly. All I can figure is that something brought up those memories, and consequently, she's afraid to love me or be close to me.

I've been texting or calling her once a day, just so that she knows I'm here and I still care. She won't answer me, and I don't know why. Even if she just said "I don't want to talk right now," that would be a lot better than nothing. I just don't know what to do or what to think or where to turn. My grades in school are really suffering because of this -- I can't concentrate at all. Last night was the first time since this began that I slept at all, and even then it was only for two hours.

I arranged for a meeting with my school counselor next week. I just don't know what to do.

Any thoughts, suggestions or comments? Please. Anything at all is greatly appreciated.




Thank you so much.
Lover_in_distress



Dear Lover_in_distress,

It is not easy to try and figure someone out, especially when they are acting really uncharacteristic of themselves. And in this instance I have some advice on what you can do to help Miranda, but unfortunately it will not help you.

See, what I would suggest is to talk to Miranda’s parents because if she is feeling suicidal and had something as traumatic as rape happen to her, she is in danger. And helping her live is first and foremost.

But it will not help you (I don’t think) because she will resent that you went to her parents, she will be mad that Jayden betrayed her trust, and she will not be happy with any of you for awhile.

In the end though, she does need help. People who are happy do not think of driving into telephone poles. Miranda needs your help.

For you, I would say that getting involved with someone who has depression is very difficult and sometimes doesn’t work out. You can do everything right, but depression is a monster and cares little for the hearts of others. Not saying the person who is depressed is a monster, depression is a disease and is hard to tame or get rid of. And those who deal with it either first hand or second hand have difficulties. If you really are in love, and you really want to help, then there are steps you can take. But that will not guarantee that Miranda will be receptive to you. Hopefully she will see that you care enough to help, and her friends care as well. And hopefully you can be a part of her support while in recovery. But ultimately this is her choice, to seek help. And it is her choice on weather she will accept that help.

I found this on the web, and it is actually pretty good:

Top Tips for Helping a Depressed Friend or Relative
Learn about depression	Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of depression. You need to understand what you’re dealing with before you can help.
Be understanding	Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
Try not to take it personally	Irritability and hostility are common symptoms of depression. Often, a depressed person will say hurtful things or lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so don’t take it to heart.
Have realistic expectations	It can be frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even with the proper treatment, recovery from depression doesn’t happen overnight.
Don’t be an enabler	It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
Relinquish your control	Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. Ultimately, depression recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

There is more on this topic here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

I hope that Miranda does get some help, and I hope you two are able to work past this. My thoughts are with you.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra

Dear Lover_in_distress,

You do know that I shoot from the hip don't you? And I live by the creed to say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean. I am going to be as sensitive as possible and I will tell you the same thing I would tell any one of my own sons, if they came to me with the same situation, ok?

First of all, I feel there was a lot of drama, unnecessary drama, attention seeking drama. While it's understandable that you would be concerned for Miranda, especially if she was insinuating a suicide attempt, I would surely ask you, if you think her behavior is within the norm? Now, far be it from me to down play her emotions but do you really feel it was necessary for her to take it as far as she did, namely, getting as upset as she did about her sister, punching the locker and threatening suicide? Take a look at this.

My fiance' threatened suicide when I was moving to Long Island from Pittsburgh. If you want to read about it, I had written, baring my soul, in this post. On one hand, I thought he was being extremely emotional. On the other hand, I was truly concerned, scared to say the least. On one hand, I felt he must be crazy, while on the other, I felt so guilty over leaving him. It was an awful situation. One side of me, if the truth were known, didn't believe a word he was saying and the other was petrified that he meant it. The point is that we should never not take someone serious who states, implies, insinuates suicide. My beau ultimately killed himself. This was the Lesson of a Lifetime.

I am painfully aware of the ramifications of suicide, threat of suicide and the way it holds those we love, emotionally hostage. As well, it's extremely agonizing to me, bordering excruciating, to admit this but I too have behaved badly and I have attempted suicide. I am being sincere when I say that I understand the emotions behind a suicide threat. And I bare all, simply so you might see that I speak from experience. My boyfriend/fiance' was not my first initiation into the hush hush, Hemlock Society, type of thinking, emotion either. I've been around the block, a time or two, have seen more than most and maybe even felt and experienced more than most?

Long story short; It's selfish as hell to threaten suicide, especially for dramatic purpose and intent and especially, if you're just being theatrical , seeking attention and so on. We can't read their minds, you can't read Miranda's mind and we don't know if she's actually serious or histrionic? Was she being melodramatic? Now, I am not holding any Ace up my sleeve, there's no magic here but I'd be willing to bet that she was being a bit theatrical. More importantly, I think you need to suggest that she might seek counseling. This may set her off but if you don't say it, it would be the first of many mistakes...

Having said all that and letting the cat out of the bag, I'll ask you to take a long hard look at her behavior, above and beyond all of this. Well Babz, what are you talking about?

Quite honestly, I think her behavior towards you has been rather unfair(we'll give her credit as maybe she can't help it and needs this counseling). See, I think you just so happen to be a nice guy. I also think that she has, on more than one occasion, taken advantage of your nice guy persona. But my intent is not to rile you up and it's certainly not to cause you to get angry and break up with her.

White Hat/Black Hat/Gray Hat

They say "nice guys finish last." I happen to believe there's some validity to that statement. Unfortunately, in this world, you have people, men and women alike, who are just mean spirited, users, gold diggers, etc. and they seem to have/get it all. Quite frankly, I'd rather be able to look myself in the mirror but I'd be lying if I didn't admit a bit of jealousy, in a fleeting glimpse. I mean, I would sure enjoy having the mentality to marry for money, like some women and men do. Realistically though, I will quickly shake it off and report to myself and God that I am doing my best to be a better person. But I have noticed an attraction, that I readily admit, to bad boys. It has been my demise from day one. And I think a lot of women are attracted to that "bad boy" persona. Have you noticed this?

Now, I am not telling you to be a bad boy. No, I like you just the way you are. I do however, want you to change a few things. See, girlfriend believes she's got you wrapped around her little finger. Yes, even subconsciously, a girl is capable of doing this. It's possible and rather plausible to think that your girlfriend thinks you are predictable and that you'll be there whether she calls you or not? Predictable can be boring too! You need to wear a gray hat...

Let me point out something to you, to put things into perspective. OK, if she didn't respond and ignored her/a girlfriend, who had, in a caring and loving manner, inquired how she was doing, when she'd gone out of her way to send message after message, text and voice mail and Miranda didn't respond, they wouldn't stay girlfriends for very long. Yes, it's just common courtesy, a kindergarten premise, when someone inquires about you, especially in a time of crisis such as this, to have the common decency to respond back. Am I right or am I right?

In conclusion, I feel Miranda has taken advantage of a good thing, intentional or not. If she really does care, she should treat you, first and foremost as her best friend. Look very carefully at this and any other relationship you have; If you are not best friends with this girl, which is a must, you have nothing. Understand?

Put on that gray hat, make it clear to her that you would appreciate it if she could at least let you know she's all right, when you inquire, simply out of respect. Take the kid gloves off. I understand your going easy with her, nice and slow because of what happened to her but that does not give her license to be inconsiderate to you. Unless of course, you are desperate?

I think not...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


suicide

Call of the Wild

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there Ali here, I have recently been dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months although 6 months isnt long the minute we met we had a strong bond and soon fell in love. He grew up in my new home and his uncle is an old friend so everything seemed like fate. I'm sure he loves me but he hasnt given a reason just dumped me totally out the blue. We were so happy im heartbroken as I think he's my true love i'm 25 and he's 19 so everyone is saying its his age. But you cant fake feelings like he showed for me. I've been through so much in my life I cant see how to get through this he's being so awful and totally shutting me out. I just dont no what to do.

Dear Ali, I imagine right now, you're feeling pretty rough? I'm not sure if I have an absolute answer for you except to say that if it was fate which threw you two together, it'll be fate to bring him back?

I do think age has something to do with it, in fact it's probably everything to do with it. But I don't mean in the respect that the age difference between the two of you, is a factor. I happen to believe that love is love no matter what the age and since there are so many aspects of love, so many facets, the variables are always, not age but the degree of that love. Love comes in many shapes and sizes and you can never ever put a set of rules, per say or have a stance that age is a factor as to why it works and doesn't work. Love only works if you work it, whether you are the same age of 20 years apart.

I do however feel, that this fella is still young enough that he doesn't know what he wants. On one hand, there's that side of him that was head over heels in love with you. Then, the testosterone took over and off he went. This is a natural course for some males, a need to sew thy seed, experience all that life has to offer and not commit. Some of that is a lack of maturity, some is to be true to oneself and as well, a possibility that he might be afraid of his feelings, afraid to commit. My youngest son, Wam, was just this way. He went around, falling in love, breaking hearts and yes, sewing his seeds, feeling his oats. He's now 26, wants to settle down but still hears the "Call of the Wild" and is extremely fearful (although he'd never admit it) of commitment.

Somehow, I feel it is exactly that, the Call of the Wild. There's a good possibility that he did and does love you but has trepidation concerning a commitment. He may have run because of this fear. I'm gonna say it, I think he's afraid of his strong feelings. Now, I don't want to get your hopes up, or give you a false sense of that hope. Where fate, which I prefer to call destiny, placed you two together, destiny will also prevail, one way or another.

I do also believe in the power of prayer. If you do, I suggest you get to praying for one of two things; that you'll find love elsewhere and you'll be comforted and heal or this guy will have his heart warmed, you on his mind, every minute. You ask your Higher Power for direction and wisdom. These very words are part of that destiny too, did you know this? Yes, all things happen for a reason, even you writing to me and my response to you.

Knowing that all things happen for a reason, begin to look for the reason and the answer will be there.Life is a series of tests, riddles if you were and learning experiences. Knowing this, simplifies things, now doesn't it? So, what is it you are to learn from this? Only you may answer that riddle?

In conclusion, I have to tell you my gut feelings. I must. I have the sneaking suspicion that you need to pull the band-aid off and let go. I would love nothing more than for you to write me and tell me I was so very wrong. But I must be honest. I do not negate your feelings, your love for this guy. As well, I recognize that, in fact, he does love you as well or rather, has a love for you. But, Ali, my instincts, my Intuitions tell me that it is not to be.

If per chance, I am right, I would suggest that you get busy, get back into business, jump back into life and ready yourself for the guy I see you with. When you least expect it, he will come round the corner and mesmerize you. He's not the best looking guy to come down the Pike and you won't notice him at first. But he's an honest soul, the kinda guy you can curl up with on a stormy night. He has a bit of temper but will not show it to you, not really. He's also the kind of guy who lives to make you smile and passionately loves to make you laugh. I won't bore you with all that I see but suffice it to say, I see you smiling and happy, in love really for the first time.

Be encouraged. I hope you can recover quickly from this and will look forward to the day you write me and tell me all about it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Keeping It Real

In Your Shoes

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been best friends with my roommate since 3rd grade. Two and a half years ago we got an apartment together and everything has been great. About 6 months ago she started dating a new guy, which is great, but lately it is starting to become a problem for me. He stays at our apartment 3-4 nights a week and I am starting to feel like he is almost living here, except he doesn't chip in for rent. When he is here the two of them take over the apartment so I often end up sitting in my room for the evening. I like her boyfriend and I am glad my roommate is so happy but I don't really want to live with a couple. I don't want to tell her not to hangout with him so often but I really can't take this living situation much longer. I want to move out and get my own apartment but I'm not sure how to go about that without destroying my friendship. My roommate doesn't really have anyone else to live with and I know her parents wouldn't let her live with a boyfriend before marriage but on the other hand I feel like I have to do what will make me happy because I know they won't change. My roommate has also become very distant and confrontational since she started dating this guy so I have a bad feeling that whatever I say she is going to take it the wrong way. Am I over reacting? What should I do? HELP!
Thanks!

Dear Friend,

No, I don't feel you are over reacting, at all. I could immediately feel and I get the distinct feeling that you are being more than fair. I also think you are only trying to be considerate too. But when it's all said and done, you are right; You have to do what will make you happy.

This is one of those sticky situations where you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Might as well grab the bull by the horns and be damned on your own terms.

If it were me, I would write a carefully orchestrated letter. I am a huge fan of writing letters and here's why. As well, I would choose my words rather diplomatically. I mean, where you can, be diplomatic, I would but you'll have to be assertive and state your needs.

If I were you, in that letter, I'd try to put things into perspective for your BF. By explaining things in terms, she can't help but understand, you may be able to save your friendship? You'll be smart to start the letter out by stating that, while you realize that writing her this letter may seem a bit impersonal, you care enough about her to design this letter so that you would minimize any bad feelings. Yes, you care enough to think it all through and the last thing you want to do, is jeopardize your long term friendship

Go on to tell her that the reason you are writing is that you have become quite uncomfortable with your living arrangements as they are. Tell her, "You must admit, that when we moved in together, it was with the understanding that it would be just the two of you. And before you think anything of it, you are not implying that your boyfriend is living with you both. But just imagine, if the shoe was on the other foot and your boyfriend spent so much time here, would you be uncomfortable, as I am?"

I would make sure, at this point, you let her know that you are more than happy for her. You are glad she's found love and you enjoy seeing her happy. You wouldn't want to change a thing, in that respect. "However, I have become uncomfortable in my own home, as I believe you would also be, if you came home and I had my boyfriend there. You would feel like the 'third wheel', in the way and so on. To afford you privacy, I feel I must stay in my room, stay out of your way, simply out of consideration. This then limits my freedom within our home. I am not saying this is your fault but am simply stating the facts, my emotions. I think you would feel awkward as well, if the situation were switched? Would you or would you not feel that you wanted to be the considerate roomie, as I have tried so very hard to be and stay out of the way, so I might enjoy my time with my boyfriend? After all, when [insert name] comes to our apartment, he's there to visit you, not me? Therefore, I feel the need to go to my room. Again, I am not finding fault here, as if it were me, I would want my boyfriend around as well and I want you to be happy."

Now, I would not mention your knowledge as to her situation or rather the demands of her parents concerning her not living with a guy before marriage. I hate to say it but that's her problem, not yours. In fact, I don't mean to be cruel but she's placed you in a rather precarious position and none of this is fair to you. Sure, we want her to be happy but not at the extent of your happiness, comfort in your own home and feeling every time he comes over, as awkward as that 3rd wheel. It's just not fair but it is a situation, I just know you can relate to.

Yes, I would write the letter, making no demands upon her but simply stating your intentions, reasoning and your wish for her happiness. Making the latter clearly stated, you state that you are moving so you'll both have your privacy. Maybe then, you could point out that "she knows how private you are and that you hope she understands that you feel rather uncomfortable, as things are."

I would reiterate that you wish her the very best, it makes you so very happy that she's found love and that, you "pray, she cares enough to understand your feelings and can put herself in your shoes with an open mind and heart." If you word it this way, if she does go off about it, it'll be self evident that she obviously does not care enough to place herself in your position with that open mind and heart. In short, she was never your real friend, to begin with.

I hope she'll see things as they truly are but if she can't or won't, the eventuality of it all is short-n-sweet; You deserve a better friend, one which she obviously was not from the word go. Let's hope she can wear your shoe size, huh?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Become That Woman

Dear Aunt B,

In the beginning of this school year i met my new classmate, R. He was a rich boy and he had many friends in the school. When I met him i liked him, but I didn’t get on well with him. One day I asked him to give me his phone number and he gave it to me. That day I talked with him via messages, about 30. I was very happy because I liked him. The following day we talked via messages, too. At last I told him that I love him… And he started to touch my legs and ass at school……. Of course I didn’t let him to do this, but I didn’t do my best to stop him. And he started to give me messages with “i love you”. I really wanted to him to love me. After two months of “touches” he was with a girl, A. She was the school’s b**ch and he liked her. He didn’t give me any messages and he became indifferent with me… And he is still indifferent in the current moment and I am still loving him. What can I do to get out of his life that girl, A.? What can I do to make him loving me? Please answer!

Kisses, Mirra.
Dear Mirra,

I'm not sure if I have an answer for you but I do have a few questions, maybe a few suggestions;

While I realize that you say you love him, do you really love him? I ask this because somehow I feel he's not the guy for you. I just have this feeling that he's a player, the kind of guy that's out for the "thrill of the kill" and nothing more. Once he feels he conquered you or he won your heart, he moved on to the next. My Intuitions are usually right so I ask you to take a look at what I suggest.

Having said this and I may be wrong but it won't hurt you to look at things with the possibility that I might be on target. Then, if I am right, you must do what you can to move on with the realization that Mr. Right is right around the corner. Actually though, I feel you'll date several Mr. Right's before you will find "The Mr. Right." You will have the pick of the litter. You didn't know this, huh?

One thing I feel is that you don't see yourself as an attractive young lady. While, on one hand you know you are attractive, more often than not, you have doubts as to your inner beauty which of course is the more important of the two. You are still grappling with who you are, what you will be and where you are going in life. Yes, you have a lot of self doubt and a few self esteem issues to contend with.

Knowing this, I would make you aware of the fact that you've probably latched on to "the idea" of this guy because he was really the first guy that validated you and made you feel a bit sexy, wanted and desirable. But you don't need him to be the sexy you. And you won't need him to feel wanted or desirable, I guarantee this. Also let me point out that the real deal lies in you, being you and certainly not being anything you are not. In other words, Mr. Right will see you as you are and love every inch. You won't have to push yourself on him and you sure won't have to act sexy. No, that will be a personal file you'll only reveal when the time is right. He'll be attracted to you and not some girl who's trying to act sexy or sex him up.

I hope you can see things for what they really are? Now, in the event that you can't, you must never throw yourself at this guy. No, you must learn to be mysterious. You must lure him in with body language. You make him think with your eyes. It is possible to communicate all and everything to a guy without ever uttering a word. Say nothing but convey how you feel with your eyes.

Take notice as to how most girls act, you know the ones that are trying to get the attention of some guy. They are often obnoxiously loud, showing off and carrying on. Most guys are actually turned off by this. Sure they do notice you but not in a good way. They'll often think how immature that girl is acting, a big turn-off.

Always carry yourself with a splash of dignity, a dab of virtue, wrapping yourself in your womanhood. Mind your words and don't engage in mindless chatter in front of guys. Measure your vocabulary. Without seeming pretentious, hold your head up, your chest out, stomach in, one foot in front of the other and walk with that air of a woman/young lady who's sure footed, strong and knows where she's going. It may seem foreign to you, at first but the eventuality of it is that you will become that woman.

You will get what you want in life, yes, who you want, when you are able to enhance your own beauty with these inner enrichments. You are a multi-faceted woman, you just need to bring it to the surface, for all to see. And see it, they will as soon as you begin to believe it yourself. Become this woman.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Mirra,

I think that maybe this guy you speak of has decided to ignore your feelings and just go for another girl. Were you two dating? You never specified. Because If you weren’t dating… and nothing was resolved in specifying a relationship “title” (for lack of better terms)… seems to me like you two were casual “touch” buddies. Which may not be what you wanted. But it is how this sounds.

Either way, the boy sounds like he wants to go on to another relationship and not continue with you. If he did, he would have called you (or messaged you). But, if you feel compelled to try and seek a relationship with him, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario, he says he’s not interested, but then you would have at least tried and you would know. Best case scenario he says yes, and you two can talk about what you want and if there is a potential for a relationship.

My advice though? Next time you think you like a boy, say something. Be clear. Don’t put yourself and your sexuality out like a doormat. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a casual ‘thing’ with a girl. But sounds to me like you aren’t that type of girl… and don’t want to be treated like that. So filter your relationships a little better and don’t give yourself to a guy who isn’t into you and isn’t committed to you. You will only get hurt in the end if you do that.

Take care

~Xmichra

Gift Within the Gift

Dear Aunt Babz,

In short, I am unsure how to get over myself and put my son first.

In order to get over an ex of one year i started smoking MJ and sleeping with a former high school mate. The condom broke after the second or third time and i ended up pregnant. The major problem is I still love my ex and i am having difficulty with the question, 'Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?' i've been diagnosed with quite a bit but major depression is the main thing (to keep it short). i cry almost every day. i don't want to be a mom...I'm too crazy and impatient and angry. i hate myself for doing this to an innocent person. It makes me almost suicidal...but my beliefs wont allow me to hurt myself anymore or my child.


Dear Mom-to-Be,

The good thing about morals and beliefs is that sometimes, even in the oddest of places, you find something that you didn’t even know you were missing. And in this case it will be your child.

The situation isn’t “ideal” but then again what is nowadays?? You have yourself and this baby to look forward too. And in time, just in time, I am sure you will.

I do know that this is a different circumstance, but when I was pregnant I didn’t feel mom-like at all. I was scared and neurotic and selfish and impatient. I didn’t know what the heck a diaper genie was, what freaking universe would let me be impregnated??? These thoughts would creep into my head and make me completely crazy. And the more people told me “it’s okay hun, it’ normal” the less I believed them. I had no idea how to look after a kid… hell I didn’t even look after myself that well! So freaked out.

And even though when my daughter was born I felt like nothing else in this world was as important as her… I was still freaking out because OH MY GOSH.. I don’t know how to hold her or feed her or what she wants! HeHe…. Seriously, I think (okay I hope) every new mom goes through this, so in that you are not alone.

As for your ex and wishing he were the father…. Well there isn’t anything that you can do about that…. But you can change the way you look at this. Instead of looking at this as a “blip” that wasn’t suppose to happen with this guy… look at it as an unexpected surprise that you will cherish. And if you and your ex can somehow manage to work through this, that is great as well. But it you two can’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Bottom line is this: You have the opportunity to start a new life and bring into this world a cherished being, or a burden. But that is only for you to decide. And with the beliefs and morals you have, I am sure it will be the sooner rather then the later.

If you need help finding resources for prenatal or for some other help, please don’t’ hesitate to write back and let us know where you are and how we can help. This will be a great blessing in your life, if you let it.

Take care. Brightest Blessings.

~Xmichra~

Dear Friend,

I'm sure glad that you have some strong values and beliefs instilled. Yes, it's a real good thing because thus far, I have nothing but good feelings about this, especially pregnancy. As well, I'm glad you are being honest with your emotions and seeking counsel, advice, perspective and so on.

First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that you are not the first or last person to go through a pregnancy with apprehension. That is not to say that you don't have a right to your feelings. In fact, if you weren't even little bit scared, I'd think there was a false sense of self. It scared the crap out of me too. I also didn't want to have children, ever. My first pregnancy at the age of 16 was surely not planned and it sure as hell was not wanted. I readily admit this and those feelings. In other words, I am not throwing stones.

The Cynical Young/Old Biddy

In all honesty, I really didn't care too much for children. I've always been a bit cynical. They got on my nerves, especially the undisciplined, spoiled ones or the ones that ruined a simple conversation you might be trying to have in a restaurant with their acting out. No, I was not much into screaming, crying bratty kids who's parents allowed them to run around and act up, thinking they are darlings and can do no wrong. I'm sure I sound like a crabby ass and I may very well be but I have no patience with children who misbehave.

I think I've always been this way, you know, a bit cynical and maybe even a tad bit insensitive when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Even my own Grandkids can get on my last nerve. My oldest grandson will sit next to his Mom and say, over and over, "Mom, Mom, Mom" to get her attention. She tunes him out, almost ignoring him as he jabbers on. But I get pissed at them both. I will get upset with him for saying "Mom" over and over and she upsets me because she ignores him, tunes him out. I can't tune it out, so it makes me crazy. My granddaughter will whine about everything and listens about as well as the family cat. I quickly lose my patience and wish I could tune it all out myself.

I do so apologize for the mini rant. I suppose I am pointing out that I do understand your apprehension in this situation. But as I stated before, I became pregnant at 16 and was not a happy camper about it. As well, I was not "in love" with the father of my children, at that time. Yes, things looked pretty dismal and I almost had the feeling like my life was really screwed up and it was this pregnancy that was screwing it all up. Resentments were there, I must admit. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I was not looking forward to having this baby. I too asked the question, as you have; "Why God? Why me and why with him?"

So, a week before my 17th Birthday, I gave birth to my first son, Lee. Damn if he wasn't cute and I looked into his eyes, as he strained to look into mine and my life was never the same. There and then, I saw my own eyes, in his and the circle of life was evident. I felt complete, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I laughed, I cried but I was scared clueless.

Motherhood is a wonderful thing. It's also the hardest job you'll ever have. You will continue to laugh and you will continue to cry. They will make you smile and break your heart. They will give you meaning but for a time, you will lose your identity. You will trade your name in for the label of "Mom." You might even forget who you were/are?

There are several ways of looking at motherhood and life, in general. The first thing to assimilate is that all things happen for a reason. There's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. All things, including this pregnancy, happen for a reason. As soon as you stop questioning, "Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?" the sooner you will begin to see the reasons behind it all. Then, you will/can find joy in your situation, namely this child. All things happen for a a reason.

Everything is a state of mind. Happiness, freedom, love and motherhood, are all a state of mind. No, everyday is not always peachy keen but I do guarantee some smiles and reason for living along the way.

You have choices in everything, every situation. You can choose to be happy and welcome this child with open arms. Although he is a product of a man you are not in love with, he/she is also a product of yourself. Love thyself and you will and can love your child.

Learn to be grateful for all things good and bad. See, while some people say the glass of water is half full, others say the glass is half empty, right? You must learn to be grateful for the water and not concern yourself as to what's in the glass or how much is there. When you begin to have a grateful attitude, all things will fall into place. When you become grateful for this child, you will then find the joy, the gift within the gift.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., I might possibly suggest seeking counseling for your depression or stepping up your sessions if you've already incorporated counseling. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're having a hard time dealing. The harm is if you allow yourself to go unchecked with unbridled emotion or even the lack of it. Speaking with a trained Therapist is even a good idea. They don't hand you answers but they do help you work through things. As well, they will validate your feelings and emotions as you talk about things. Working towards a healthier you and being good to yourself will allow you to be good to your baby.

More Bees with Honey

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 39-year-old single mother with a 6-year-old daughter. Over two years ago I moved in with my mother to go to school full time and get a degree in respiratory therapy. My mother and I agreed that she would help me out with my daughter when I started working because of the 12 hours shifts that I work in the hospital. Now I am working and I don't like the way she takes care of my daughter when I'm not here. (Basically she ignores and neglects her just like she did me). I am so mad at myself for deluding myself into thinking that my mom would be any different now.

Now I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school for a career that would pay much less but allow me to work 9-5 with weekends off. I make enough money right now to live on my own, but I need my mother's help. If I change careers I won't need my mother's help but I probably won't be able to live on my own very successfully. I don't want to go back to living on the edge financially. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Dear Reader,

No, I don't think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can understand your concerns for your daughter.

When it comes to our kids, rarely does anyone fit the standards or the way we would love and care for our own children. I was even funny about my own Mother or Mother-in-Law as well, watching my own children. My Mom was rather mean, strict beyond strict and she didn't show equal amounts of love, the love I felt is so necessary, along with that strict discipline. Yes, eventually, a kid will get the idea that you don't care too much for them if all you do is discipline them.

This is a tricky question, simply because I don't really know to what degree your Mom is being negligent. I mean no neglect is right and children need interaction to thrive. Neglect is a harsh word, one which implies so much or the lack thereof. Neglect can in fact be a criminal matter, in the fullest content of the word. So, I guess my question would be is she really "neglecting" your daughter and not caring for her needs or is she just not spending enough time with her?

I hope that she is not out and out neglecting her, in a criminal aspect? If she is, I'd advise you to get out and do the proper thing by removing your daughter from the situation. Only you can answer the real ramifications of this.

If neglect is not the proper word for this situation and your Mom is simply ignoring her but does care for her, then I would propose offering a more structured routine for your Mom to look at. A proposal of activities, possibly, may be in order. You could ask Mom to help your daughter with some activity stating that you are tapped out?

Is it possible to speak to Mom, letting her first know how much you appreciate her help but then lowering the boom? You could/must do it diplomatically. She doesn't even have to know that your ulterior motive is to get her to do more. But you could state that you feel your daughter needs a little more interaction, more activities other than sitting and watching T.V. or whatever. Go the distance and maybe buy some activity books, cards and so on and bring them out and ask her if she'll help your daughter with them. Quite possibly, you could even tell a lil white lie and say the school has asked your daughter, to do this and that and because of your schedule, you're having a hard time, getting everything done. Stretch it a bit and say you had a conference with the school and their suggestions require your daughter to do at home activities, i.e. flash cards, etc. Then you ask could Mom help out? You have to kind of fluff her ego by telling her that you realize she already does so much but if she could help you with this, it would make all the difference?

It's commendable for you, as a single Mom, to go back and try to improve your life. So, I would surely hope you can find some half way point, some sort of compromise. To take steps backwards will not help you and your daughter later, down the road.

Mom just may need some directives and a knowing need, an appreciative need for her extra help. Then, you try to stay on top of the program by asking your Mom for progress reports, at the end of the day. In other words, in front of your daughter, you say something like, "So, what did you and Grandma do today? Did you use your flash cards?" Make this question part of your regimen, your end of the day conversation with your daughter. See, I think if Grandma knows there's an accountability, to a certain extent, as to what was accomplished each and every day, she may get into the swing of things, activity wise.

I don't have any real answers other than showing your Mom the way but not letting on, that in fact, you are challenging her to more interaction with your daughter. But you just can't let on that your motive is what it is. Yes, it might be a sneaky move but acting as if you need her and not in a demanding or accusatory fashion, may be your only way.

Sometimes, you have to be smarter than the average bear. Sometimes, you fight fire with fire. But you'll always get more bees with honey than vinegar. One more cliche'; Flattery will get you everywhere. Yes, use flattery to get what you desire with your Mom. Even if you have some resentments from your own childhood, wouldn't it be refreshing and empowering to control the situation by getting results with that flattery? I mean really, wouldn't you have the sense of control by turning the tables? If you tell Mom that you so appreciate all that she does for you because you couldn't reach your goals without her help, the psychology behind the mix would dictate that she'd feel almost obligated to fulfill or make good on those compliments. See, she'll begin to think to herself, that, "Hey, maybe I should do all these things that she's saying such nice things about."

It's almost reverse psychology, you see? Imagine if your boss thanked you for things, gave you credit for things you'd not really done yet? Then imagine what your thought process would be: "Oh, I'd better get to work here and actually do these things, my boss keeps complimenting me about." Yes, more bees with honey!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Why Xmichra Answers

Editors Note; Someone had sent an email to Xmichra asking her “what makes you qualified to answer on an advice column?” I read Xmichra's answer to the email author and felt the need to publish it or rather, I felt it was an above average answer to an non strategic question. The person/s who asked the question may have asked it out of pure arrogance, possibly, my impression? In this vein, I might add that those on staff here at Ask Aunt Babz do so without any more benefit than an occasional "Thank You." We answer questions, virtually for nothing more than that occasional "Thanks!" It is the life changing response, the one we get where we are told that we made a difference in their lives, that is our payment. But in our defense, 7 out of 10 letters, we answer, do not answer back. So, it is the ones that do bother to tell us we have given them perspective and hopefully a pinch of wisdom that spur us on. Yes, it is that and that alone which enables us to pour our heart and soul, a piece of each of us...in every post.

Dear Reader,

I have been asked “what makes you qualified to answer on an advice column?”, And my answer? I’m not. I am not “qualified” by any school or academy. I sure have lived through a few things though, just like many people who come across this page have. And I personally believe that everyone has good advice to give on certain topics.

Good advice is not hard to find when you are asking the right people. And it tends to be in the non-fluffy answers that the truth of your situation is found. And it is also from people who have lived through experiences similar to yours, or who know of others who have been in your situation that the most clarity comes from. For example, Why would you ask an opinion on drugs to someone who has never done them or seen the truth of drug addiction? You wouldn’t or you would and then you would walk away not trusting the advice given.

Answering your questions, I always ask myself “if this were my very best friend, how would I answer?”. And sometimes I say things that you don’t want to hear. But I treat the questions as though they were from my friend, at some diner somewhere over a cup of coffee. And if you were to ask a few friends, you would know that I have given them advice they didn’t like either. And some they didn’t take it (sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn’t) and that is the way life rolls. But that is the best thing about advice. It can help you make a decision, even if it is the opposite of what you have been advised. Only you know the entirety of a situation, and only you will make the choice. We are here more as a devils advocate, or resource to help you draw a conclusion. In the end, it’s your life, and your choice.

But if you want to get someone else’s perspective it never hurts to ask. And that is to me, the quintessential purpose of this site. And the reason why I was honored to be picked as a participant.

So when you are asking a question, just relax. It’s just us at Ask Aunt B, you and a cup of coffee. Ask away :) and we will do our best to keep up.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra~

Pull Off That Band-Aid

Dear Aunt B,

Recently i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 months.Now, 2 months later, i find myself hooking up with him every weekend. My friend who is really good friends with my ex talked to him about this and he says he still really loves me he just didnt like it when we were going out and i dont know why. i dont think i can take much more of this hooking up and knowing that he is not mine anymore and could do this with other girls. i want him back so badly but just dont know how to do it. should i confront him with what i think and tell him how i feel or should i just sit back and wait and let him come to me?
Please help i really hate feeling so hurt

Truly Yours,
Gabrielle


Dear Reader,

You've heard the old expression, "Why pay for the cow when you get the milk free," right? Now of course, that's a really old expression but it just goes to show you that guys are similar, if not the same, since the beginning of time. Yes, they may have evolved to a certain extent but for the most part, a guy's gonna do whatever he's allowed to do. Meaning, he'll try anything so as to not have to commit if he can get the milk for free.

Yes, I do believe he does care for you, don't get me wrong. He is and will only do what you let him. Now, you've got a stuck feeling, don't you? Meaning, right now, you'll settle because you're not ready to just let him go. If you demand that he commit, you think he'll run, huh? So, you go on just like it is. Oh and you can bet it will not get any better but will only get worse, mark my words.

See, you've given him license to do whatever he wants, even if you didn't realize it. Yep, he can date other girls, fool around here, fool around there or if things don't work out with this chick or that one, he knows he won't be lonely cause there you are, the loyal ex girlfriend. Right now, he's got the very best of both worlds and it will stay that way till hell freezes over...unless you change it.

Deal now or deal later but you will have to deal. Pull Off That Band-Aid now, once and for all. Take a stand and one of two things will happen; Either your boyfriend will be yours or he never was in the first place. But you have got to lay the down the law or he will continue to disrespect you, I guarantee it.

You can bet I know how uncomfortable you are. On one hand you're afraid to say anything lest he wants nothing to do with you and you get nothing. But seriously, G-Friend, you've got nothing now, if your guy doesn't respect you enough to commit. Capish?

It might hurt, to tell him that you no longer want to see him in the manner or the way things are right now but in the long run, you'll gain your boyfriend back, more committed than ever or you'll gain back some semblance of dignity. You and I both know, you can't hardly look yourself in the eye, right now cause we both know that it is beneath you to be treated this way. Now isn't it? Never settle.

I think you should tell him that you are onto his game and are no longer willing to play by his rules. Put on your Bitch Belt and let it be known you will start seeing other guys. I do believe he's counting on your loyalty to him and figures that you'll never go out with anyone but him. He's counting on you being there and putting up with his crap. But if you really wanna make an impact, you'll tell him you're done, over, fini finally and that you'll move on if he's not willing to feel how you feel. Sometimes, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and make 'em cringe and feel the pain before they'll understand. You may very well have to make him feel how it feels to wait at home while you go out with another guy. I assure you, he does not feel you are capable of doing this. No, he's counting on you being all messed up over him. So, you show him how the game is really played, if you must.

If you are ever going to win, it won't be by tolerating his BS. No, you'd better step up now or forever hold your peace and be miserable. Put your foot down now and break the chain. It won't get any better on it's own...guaranteed.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

It sounds to me like you really care for him? But the question is; Does he think about you other than on the weekends?

It really sounds like he is dependent on you if he can't find someone else. To test this theory, go out with him, on the weekend but don't have sex with him. Try this several times and if it works, where he's not demanding sex then you know he just wants to be with you. But you and I know this will not happen, will it? He wants those weekends with you to be sexual, doesn't he?

Is it all just a Booty Call? Or does he really care? Refuse sex with him and find out.

On Your Side,

Halena