Like A Butterfly...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I had written to you about seven months ago about my violent husband who beats me up. I decided to leave the marriage shortly after that and have been living on my own and enjoying my life. My husband made several attempts to convince me to go back to him but i refused. However today he sent me an e-mail saying that he is leaving the country for good. He has already made travel arrangements and will be leaving next week. When i read that email i cried. Even my workmates wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so sad to know that he was leaving and that i will never see him again. I know he is leaving because i refused to go back and i feel so guilty about it. It hurts so bad and i am just wondering why i feel this way. A part of me feels like holding him in my arms and telling him that everything is ok and that we will be together again. But the truth is that i know him very well and know that he will hit me again. Aunt B please advise me. I don't want to go back to the violent marriage but at the same time i don't want to hurt the way i am hurting inside. Why am i so sad??? We have been separated for six months... Why am i feeling the pain now that he says that he is leaving? I thought i should be happy now that i will be free from any abuse but i feel so bad. Please tell me Aunt B...is this normal? Will i get over it? Will i ever find real love? Please reply on this e-mail address.

Thanks

Dear Friend,

I do remember you and it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to break free and I'm quite proud of you, as I know how hard it really was.

What you're feeling, well, I believe it to be quite normal. Of course, you feel guilty and you question, every good feeling you have for your husband. You ask yourself, if you're insane or what? But the fact of the matter is this; You didn't fall out of love with your husband and leave him, for that very reason. No, you left him because of his abusive behavior.

Unless you're a robot, I don't know anybody that can turn love on and off. Yes, there are people out there, that seem to just float in and out of love, so easily. They seem to bounce back from a doomed relationship, as well. I'm even envious, to some extent, to their devil may care attitude. I've often wished I was like that but when it comes down to the real deal, I'd never trade my passion for their lack off. Of course, those of us, you and I, who feel to the 9th degree, love to the core, embrace life with all the fiber of our being, are usually the ones who are really living life, to the fullest. Unfortunately, we're also the ones who can feel the deepest pain.

So, I can completely understand your despair, when it comes to all these emotions, concerning your husband. However, I hope you can see the blessing wrapped up, neatly with a bright bow and future. I truly believe, that along with your husbands departure, the beginning of an unusual and fulfilling life will begin. It may take you a minute to get over him, leaving but the sooner that you do, the sooner the life will begin again.

I happen to know that your husband wants you back and that is exactly what you want to hear. You know it and I know it. You must tell yourself, be realistic with yourself, to the fact that while he may truly love you, his kind of love brings only pain. Unless, he seeks serious counseling, I will bet my life, on the fact that he will hit you again and if he doesn't hit you, he will put you in your place. You are a challenge to him, which he'd never admit. For everything, that he was attracted to you for, it was equally the exact things, that made him want to hurt you. He knows you're smart and quite capable of loving or being loved by someone else. He wants you to rely on only him, yet you are independent, to such a degree, that it makes him crazy. It is this out going spirit that he loved but wants to break. Yes, he is a walking contradiction (So am I and want it on my tombstone).He loves you for your beauty and intelligence and yet is jealous, envious and will always feel he has to prove that he is the man, better than you and I could go on and on.

Suffice it to say, his brand of love, is twisted and wrong. I'll say it again; He will not change, can not change, until such time, as he seeks serious counseling and treatment for his abusive behavior, his own baggage and values and beliefs. He must first, recognize that he has a problem. I do believe, if you were to throw him in jail, if he hit you tomorrow , it may curtail things for a minute but he'll only be sorry he went to jail and not sorry for the behavior that landed him there. Nope, he's got to re-learn his entire values and beliefs. That might take a life time, to re-learn, as it took a life time, to instill such behaviors. It can't be undone, over night and it can't change just because you want it to. I don't discount the fact that it is possible for him to change but I hope you'll remember, right here,right now, just how you felt, when he was hurting you. None of them hurt their loved ones on purpose, not usually and I don't feel he ever did, you know, do it on purpose. If you asked him, he'd probably tell you, he couldn't help it. I'd have to call him on it though. See, deep down inside, if he didn't believe to some extent that he was justified in his behavior, he wouldn't do it. No, he felt the need to teach you lesson, after lesson. He felt the need to put you in your place.

It'd sure be easy, for me to tell you, "Hey, get over it." If I had a remote and could turn it off, for you, I surely would. I hope you can somehow, turn it off, though. I truly believe that you have a wonderful life waiting for you, once you can let him go. Once you lock down, that section of your heart, a new section will open. It will be pink and pretty, not scarred and black, like that old area. Your persona will change and people, men in particular will be able to see that pink. Yes, the right guy is waiting to meet you, once you make this transformation.

All things happen for a reason. Like a butterfly, you must go through the painful process of transformation. But the you, that comes out of the other side will be an altruistic, life loving, lovely lady. Mark my words, the guy who'll recognize, all this in you, yes, he is waiting.

One Choice

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B.,

I went to go use the computer today and my dad left his screen name up by accident. There was an Instant Message from some woman calling him baby. Since he had left it up by accident basically all it said was Why aren't you talking? Are you angry, Baby? I don't really know what to think of this, but the only people in my life I call "Baby" are relatives and significant others. My father is still married to my mother, the only problem is he has cheated on her before. I don't know whether I should confront him about this or just go straight to my mother? Please Aunt B. what should I do?

Dear Friend,

I imagine you feel like you're in a bit of a pickle, huh? You must be careful, lest this all backfires on you.

I don't know how close you are with your Dad? If you are close enough to confront him, speak to him about this, I would. You might even write him a letter, telling him what you know and suspect and tell him to do the right thing by your Mother or you will/must tell her what you know. By doing this, it gives him the option of going to your Mother and making things right.

I feel, if you confront him yourself, he would probably deny it anyway. By writing him and telling him, what you know, this might give him a chance to evaluate the situation and come clean, end that relationship or to go to your Mom and be honest.

If you go to your Mom, with this info, your Father will forever resent you, it would be a natural course in behavior. If you write him and only give him the option to go and be honest, with your Mom, he will be forced to handle it on his own. Make him aware that he has this chance to take care of business or you, out of love and loyalty to your own Mother, be forced to brief her on the matter at hand.

I would make it clear to Dad, in that letter, that he is wasting his breath by telling you that nothing is going on, so he has but one choice and that is to do the right thing.

Let him know, that you love him but you love your Mother as well and what he is doing is down right dirty. He can make it right on his own or you will.

Wishing You the Very Best,

Aunt Babz

Food for Thought

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I was wondering if you could possibly help me? im not sure if you deal with things like this.
i am 18 years old. im a dress size UK 16 and wiegh around 12-13stone.
i think i have an eating disorder and i think it started when my parents broke up when i was 4!
when my parents split up i lived with my mum and ate whatever i liked..crisps, biscuits, chips..all bad things but when i stayed with my dad he sat me at the table and forced me to eat vegatable , fruit ect.. he would sit me they untill i swallowed it. i would cry and throw up everytime.
now as you problery guessed my problem is i CANT eat fruit, veg, fish ect.. and its embarresing that people think im stupid and a fussy eater, people try to take me out to dinner and they order just normal food and i have to order off a kiddies menu!
its eefecting my health, wieght, and my whole life and im so desperate for help! no body understands, apart from my mum who does nothing at all to help and my boyfriend who is very understanding but doesnt help me either.
im not doing this to loose weight or anything like that although i should loose abit of weight as im slightly overweight, but i want to be normal and just plain happy with myself and my life. please please help me in anyway that you can. i dont really know how you reply but it would be grately gratley appreciated if you would reply via email.
thank you Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I was going to go into the semantics of size vs confidence, and what you could do (once I converted the stones to pounds so that I could better understand your situation)… but instead, after writing a page and a half reply, I looked over the initial reply and decided to answer you a different way. Why, you might ask, would I go through a reply and then admittedly tell you that I went another way with it… but the answer is this: weight is actually not the issue here. It is a symptom of something more, and something that I do truly understand.

The issue at hand is purely emotional and evolved into a resentment and dislike of certain foods due to traumatic experiences in your life. Let me explain my own situation before I will get into what I think will help you.

See, my parents split up when I was rather young (I think I was eight) and I had pretty much the same thing with food and parental choice as you, except that I was living with my mother and eating primarily healthy foods.. and when my father would have visitation I got to have the chance to have ‘fun’ things like taco’s and chips and pizza. My mother would do the same thing essentially as your father did. You did not move from that kitchen table until you were in front of a clear plate. Of course, in my situation, my mother was very broke financially speaking and what ever she put out in front of my brother and I was not to be taken lightly. It was her breaking her back to provide for us… so if we didn’t eat what was there for supper, guess what was there for breakfast the next morning? You got it, the previous nights dinner. And on and on this cycle went, where I was forced to eat foods that I deemed a punishment (which were in reality the best thing that my mom could have provided) and given free reign at my fathers with junk. Naturally, I preferred the free reign and yummy badness of salt and sugar and fat.

Now, I am 31. And to this day I cannot eat certain things.. like cantaloupe, cauliflower and most fish. I hate them, and will not eat them, and avoid getting into social functions where I may be forced to eat these things out of respect.

But, I did realize that I was avoiding foods that were good for me because of the emotional attachment I had to these foods. Sometimes it was very hard to eat things like blueberries when I had been forced to eat these things as a luxury item that I should be thankful for and made to eat. Instead of something that most people associate with a fun picnic and a treat. To me, it was torture. And I knew that I had to fix this problem before I got far to set in my ways (as most of us tend to do).

When I was 19, I decided that I would try absolutely everything over again. I was not living at home, and I knew that foods would taste differently prepared different ways. So that was what I did. I started out small, and with the really essential “good foods” that I couldn’t stand. Broccoli, peas, carrots, corn, strawberries, salads, all the good stuff. And I found that if prepared certain ways, I absolutely loved them, and it wasn’t attached to some bad memory from when I was a kid, it was a fresh new experience because I hadn’t had that item made that way before. For an example, my mother would always boil broccoli and put a cheese sauce on it (low fat sauce which was really yucky and still Is I might add!). So I tried the broccoli that was steamed and with Soya Sauce on it. It was great! And I had no idea. Then I tried it with asparagus and a white wine sauce.. I found out that I truly disliked the asparagus, but to my delight I still loved the broccoli and I was out with a few friends and there was no pressure. I was buying my food and I could choose to discard it if I didn’t like it.

So I went on with that motive on food for YEARS. I am still in the process of trying not to like the junk food, something that is very hard to break, but I now know that if given my own time, my own decision and making no stigmas towards the food I am about to try.. that I will much more prepared to actually give it a fair shot. And to be fair, there were things that I really disliked (such as cantaloupe.. that stuff is foul) but I know that it is ME making the choice based on my taste and not an emotional side effect.

I will also tell you that I had absolutely no support on this, it was just me. Other people thought that I was nuts (like who doesn’t like steak but a vegetarian right??) but I decided that I needed to enjoy what food there was out there, and not be restricted anymore because of something that I could defiantly control.

I really do dislike the word “eating disorder” because I find that more often then not, the disorder is not actually food. It is the emotional and psychological stigma and attachment or abandonment that we have either decided on or had imposed on us which makes the disorder. We eat to be happy, we eat when we are sad, we eat when we are in need of energy, we don’t eat when we are grieving… there are so many reasons that we eat, and not a single one of those is something to make light of. But for me, the bottom line is that the WAY we choose to eat is a direct coalition of things that happen in our lives. And the only one who can change that, is you.

So, here is my advice.

You are 18. you have a long life to live, and you are right at the point where you are deciding what is best for you and this is a great sign. Do not think that this is some small thing, this realization that something has got to change. This is a great tool that your body has designed to help you grow into a positive and engaging woman.

You are right that this nature of eating will destroy your health, your weight and your life. And you are absolutely normal in the reasons that you dislike the foods you had mentioned. But now, you know, you need to change those habits into something that is controlled by you and is beneficial by you.

You can do two things to change here. You can do what I did and try new things out all the time. Something small and with something you like. For an example, get your chicken nuggets kids meal.. but skip the fries. You know that if you were to eat a plain apple you would gag, so try something else, like yogurt with granola in it. Something like that. Mix your foods up so that you are eating something you truly enjoy with something unknown. When was the last time that you ate a dragon fruit? Try that, and see if you like it. If you don’t, well don’t beat your self up about it.. just try something else at another time.

The other thing you can do, is to seek help from a dietitian or a health expert, like the people at weight watchers. They can not only include the foods that you like to eat in your normal routine, they can also tell you what a good range for eating is, and how much to consume at one sitting. That way you won’t feel deprived of the things that you really do enjoy eating.

It all comes down to what you want for your life. So you want to feel imprisoned and powerless for the rest of your life over something you can control? Or do you want to take this situation and make it suit your needs? Only you can answer this, and I have the utmost of belief that you want the later. And I know that you can do this, if you make an honest go of it, and remember that you control it all.

Let us know how you are doing, and what you decide to do. Take care and good luck!

~Xmichra~

Aunt Babz Said,

I think you only have a problem, if you feel you have a problem. Many of us, have strange quirks, which are the direct result of our childhood rearing and I am no exception, to the rule. I don't drink when I eat and quite often, will continue eating, even when I am full because I was raised that we clean our plate before we can get up. My own list could go on and on. My only suggestion is to try some of those things but do it in a setting that is conducive to your well being, meaning, when you feel safe and in control. It is quite possible, that counseling, would be beneficial. But don't think you're alone, if nothing else, Xmichra and I can be in your Funny Food Eaters Club.

Wishing You the Best,

Aunt Babz

Birthday Blues

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,i

I'm writing to you because i really need an intelligent opinion on something.i have this guy friend and we dont speak too often but a couple nights ago he actually called me basically to complain about me not giving him a call for his birthday.honestly i didnt think he deserved a call and i didnt even think he would notice because we dont keep regula contact with each other.my friends say maybe he was a bit hurt by it but i dont see how thats possible when we,re not even that close. so can you help me understand this?

Thanks,
Aleah.
Dear Aleah,

I have to say, I think his behavior was a bit immature and I do side with you, concerning this. In the first place, you owe him nothing, not even a Birthday wish. When we do give someone a Birthday wish, it's not because we owe them, understand?

Your friend is not the only one who behaves badly, when their time comes around. I've seen it countless times and their demeanor is borderline ridiculous. I've see people who expect the day off for their Birthday and they expect everyone, to bend over backwards to point break.

I think this all stems from childhood and having Birthday celebrations. We, more or less teach our children, of course, that it's their special day but that we should be treated in and with a celebratory tone. Some of us grow up, some don't. Some still think, just as they did when they were children. Apparently, your friend has not matured to that level, where he realizes, hell it's really just another day.Hey, it's time to grow up!

Some of us, have different values and belief systems. Some of us take things, such as Birthday's and holidays more seriously than others. I've known people, close to me, who'll send you a card for every holiday, while I'm barely able to get Christmas cards every year. Now, you must respect their fervor for such things but they can't expect you to have the same vim and vigor, when it comes to such matters.

I imagine, the only thing you can do or say to your friend, is that those things are not that important to you and you'd not realized that they were to him. You simply apologize for your faux paus and tell him, you'd hope he'd realize that you certainly never meant to slight him. Then, to nip it in the bud or make your point, you simply say, "I've not really celebrated Birthday's since I grew up." That will make him see, just how juvenile, he's behaving, without you even appearing to imply it.

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???; Continued

We try to never leave you hanging. If our answer has not been helpful, we always welcome your feedback and response, as well as giving you the opportunity to reiterate your question. We'll work with you, till we get an amicable answer to your question.

Such is the case with our Reader, known as "Von El." After posting his answer, he wrote back that I had not answered his question. This is a continuation from the prior post, "Did You Let Go of the Reigns???"
He said;

thanks 4 answering my first question, hmm lets c, your answer does not help me at all,. i asked u how 2 get this girl out of my life, yet u talk about other things that has no use to me at all,, plain and simple how do i get it through the girl's head i hate her so "uckin much and never contact me ,,, how the *uk do i make her realize that i dont want her in my life at all and 2 leave me alone ,, those r the only answers i seek,, me and her were good friends before and i wont get into the details but i will say this the *itch bak stabbed me 2 many times ,, i dont want anything 2 do with her,,, ,, so u can c where i am coming from,, and try not 2 judge me again because u really have no idea what type of person i am ,,,,, your advice?


I then asked permission to answer his question by publishing it? He then wrote an additional addition to his original email;

but also let me add other stuff 2 the new questions i have asked u and make more comments and u can also add them to post i have sent u because i want u 2 have all the details,

she and i used 2 hang out before and we became good friends, then things started 2 get sour between us, i was not the 1 who was doing it.. she started bak stabbing me, i let it slide, then she did it again, and then i let it slide again, and what u know she did it again, but this time it cost me my job, and every 1 i knew at work thought i was a evil person, a lot of people looked at me differently, the cops got involved,, my name is ruined, i mean what the heck man is this how u r suppose 2 treat your friends? then she moved out of state, i was very happy with that, i prayed day and night she wont ever come to the state where i am living, but then she started 2 send me friend requests through friendster and myspace, i cant *uckin stand the *itch at all, i hate her soooooooo much, i am not a bad person, i told her so many times i have changed i dont care about her at all, yet she thinks its all a joke,, i dont care if she wins by making me angry, i hate the *itch, plain and simple, oh my goodness, u have no idea how i "uckin hate her,, everytime i c her sending me stuff i feel more and more angry, i just want her out of my life, after what she has put through i just want her out of my life, i have no *uckin feeling 4 the *itch anymore, only hatred and anger, oh god how i hate the *itch,,


Dear Von-el,

Seems to me that you have already done what you can to be rid of this girl. Choosing who you are friends with on the pages, that is entirely up to you. In myspace, you can go here: http://www.askdavetaylor.com/how_do_i_delete_a_friend_from_myspace.html and it walks you through it.



If you want to delete a friend from Friendster do this: In order to delete a friend you must go to your own home page, select the ACTION Edit Friends, and then select the OBJECT of the Delete Friend action. This only saves clicks if

you're deleting many friends at once (hopefully, this is not a very common operation!).

But on a totally different note, dude.. you need some therapy. Anger management is what it is called, and you are lacking in reason right now. What if this girl was to come and see you? What are you going to do then? My thought is in the rage that you are in towards her that you might not do what you would normally do.. but go off the depend. You need some serious help, and that is something that we cannot give you.

Babs was trying to tell you that the only way you can tell someone to leave you alone, is simply that. Tell them to leave you alone. You can’t bend peoples wills, or make them do exactly what you want. All you can do is state what you don’t want, which is contact from her. And quite plainly she was trying to address your problem, which is the anger issue you so evidently have.

And one other thing, and this is separate from the advice, because you do need the advice. But when people are asking a question about a harassing person in their lives, it helps not to take that tone yourself. You were being quite belligerent towards Babs and her offer of assistance. So maybe think about how you approach people, especially if you are asking for HELP (both solutions were easy enough to Google by the way).

~Xmichra

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...


Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won't leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it's like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much ... i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el




Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you're coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it's just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike...

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I've meet people, as I'm sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They're every where, in nooks and crannies and we're surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these "Angry" people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills...


You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there's a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I've said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don't shine but it's you that's left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they're doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I'd bet my butt, you didn't cause I just know you're the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It's our little secret but I'd sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn't even know, you'd handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you'll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you're on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you're set in your ways, you'll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You'll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody's on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don't sweat the small shit and it's all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won't tell, if you don't. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

Pick of the Litter

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi.

Currently I like this guy named Nate. He is my brother's friend. They are 17,(seniors). I liked him for almost a year but recently my brother, Alex, has been saying thing, (Not as a joke, because i know when he is joking) hinting that Nate likes me. Well, It wasn't long, I knew it would happen that he would eventually find out I liked Nate. He saw Nate today and I am almost positive he told him. I really am thinking right now he will ask me out. Well, I face a couple problems here....

If I date him....

He is 17, Im 15. My parents would not care, witch is good, because they love Nate. But it may be weird, and Nate acctually never had a real girlfriend before!

He is really smart, and I am too, but I am afraid he may want to disscuss things that I really don't know about, and I don't want to seem dumb, or ditsy.

Finally, and probablly the most obviuos one is He is my brothers best friend. I think right now if he herd we were dating (witch were are not, yet) he would be fine with it, but how weird would it be when Nates done with soccor practice, I finished Hockey Practice, and Alex finished Cross Contry Pratice and he gives both of us a ride home. OCWARD MUCH???? I totally think that type of situation would be unusally kaflka-esque.

Can you tell me, Should I just really not go there, or should I date Nate???? I dont know!!

HELP ME!!!!

Dear Friend,

Well, it comes down to what you are willing to risk really. Love is tricky that way. You can choose to date Nate and possibly have things all go wrong and have things be awkward for you and your brother… or things go great and there is nothing to lose. Or you can choose not to date Nate and possibly live with regret.

It is going to be awkward if you date Nate and hang out with your brother. It will be like that for awhile, but things mellow out. I had a friend in high school who dated a friend of her brothers, and she had the same sort of trepidation. But they worked things out.. where the guy had you time, your brother time, and everyone together time. Just so long as you remember that your brother has equal rights to time with his friend, and he realizes that you have equal rights to time with your boyfriend, it shouldn’t be so bad. But if you guys start to make a mess out of what should be an easy situation…. Well Nate will drop both of you like a bad habit. So make sure that you are respectful.

What is this stuff that you think that you will discuss that you won’t know about? Is it sex or other stuff, like nuclear fission? Because that is two totally different conversations.

If it’s about sex, I will tell you this, any guy worth his salt will wait until you do know, you can figure out what is right for you, and you have been able to make a decision based on your age and your willingness to accept consequences. And sex/sexual acts have a lot of consequences that aren’t readily talked about.. like the toll it can take when it is attached to your self worth. Or the fact that no matter how hard you try to make it not be about an age, 15 is young. And getting into sex too quickly can make things a very hard ride for the rest of your life. You have a good 60 years after that (lets hope) and you don’t want to have another regret on the table. So make sure that you not only have this conversation with someone you trust (like a doctor, or a school therapist, or an older friend) and make sure that you are ready to TALK about it first with whom ever you choose. Because that is where the real problem is. Not talking about sexually related things can get really messy.. especially if you feel like you were pushed to fast into anything.

Now, if you are talking about stuff that is just way above the normal intellect.. I can tell you for sure that you are selling yourself short. We all know a little about something. And if anyone cares for us, they will know the limit of our knowledge, and when to either a)teach us more or b)shut the hell up and talk about something else. Don’t ever be afraid of asking questions, or not knowing all the answers. You don’t have too know. But if you keep an open mind, you might gain a lot more knowledge then you ever would have.

The number one thing that I would look at, is if your brother is really okay with this. Don’t’ get me wrong, you will make your own decision on this.. but if your brother is not okay with it.. or seems uncertain, and you like your brother and value your friendship.. that might be something to really evaluate. Weather or not you think that this is going to be worth the effort. For some people, taking a risk like this is totally worth it, and they can live with the consequence but not regret. For others, this is just too much to have to handle and knows that they wouldn’t be able to handle a fall out or conflict.

So that is my question to you. Are you someone who can handle a bit of controversy, or do you not like to rock the boat? That is your answer there. If you were to know that if things weren’t to work out and that things would get messy… would you be up for the battle or down for the count? That will make your decision right there on whether you should date Nate.

Best of luck to you, let us know what you decided :)

~ Xmichra~

You Hold The Key

To read more pertaining to this post; Your Life
This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am really stuck. My mother has been seeming a bit depressed lately, so I am having to take care of myself for a while. I am okay with that, but my father has been taking advantage of her, so she just usually sits in her room all day. My father won't let me talk to my peers, and anyone really. He started to home school me about three months ago. I was never allowed a phone at all, or a computer. The one I am using is for school work only. If I get caught using it for anything else except school work I am in big trouble. My father hits me all the time, but he calls it disipline so I am not sure if it is legal or not. I can't call the police, because my father says it costs $150 and I can't pay that. He forces me to sex with him and his friends sometimes, even when I am only 13 years old. My father always told me that since I was his daughter he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with me whenever he wanted to. It just bothers me a lot and I am not sure what I should do.

Signed, Bothered and Confused

Dear Bothered & Confused,

I am more than concerned for you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you everything's gonna be ok. I can't stand the thought of you going through this. We will do everything, within our power to help you, just say the word. We will always be hear for you and yes, Xmichra, Soulseer and myself, are all willing to help you, you just need to extend your hand and grab hold.

No, the things your Father is doing are not right, morally or legally. It is against the law, for him to hit you and it does not cost a thing, to call the Police, I don't care where you live. But even worse, the sexual assault is appalling and wrong. It is so wrong, that he can and will go to Prison for a long time, if he is caught. It is against the law and it sickens me, to think he'd subject you to this, not to mention having sex, with his friends.

If all you say is true, what he is doing by home schooling you, I believe is called, "Isolation." He is keeping you away from the world and your outlet and resources for two reasons; to guard his nasty, dirty secret and to keep you in a state of helplessness and panic, where you feel you need him. To survive, of course you need him or so it may seem.

I was raped, so I do have an idea, how you feel. Maybe, you think you deserve it or he has the right cause he's your Dad? He doesn't and the law says he doesn't, society says he doesn't

Maybe, you love your Father? Maybe, you don't realize just how wrong it is, exactly what he is doing to you? It is more than wrong and the worst of the worst but it is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong and I hope you realize this.

1. Now, it's fairly simple; You can call the Police, in your area and they will immediately remove you from the situation. They will be more than willing to help you. You just need to make the call. Yes, what he is doing is wrong, it's illegal and as I said, it is morally wrong.
2. If you can not call, You can email me your address, which I will not make public, of course and I will send the Police/Authorities for you.

Is it possible, that he hits your Mom too? Is it possible that he is hurting your Mom, in some way? You say she's depressed and I have to wonder why? Is it possible that he is being mean to her too? Does she know about all this, he does? If she has any idea, it may be she feels helpless in the situation.

We always have choices, my Dear, always. You can make the choice to change this situation and I guarantee, your life will change, with just one phone call or by sending me your address. In turn, this may also help your Mother? I mean, if he's been hurting her, as well, you hold the key to unlocking that power over you both. Use the key. Yes, use the key and email me your address.

I have already spoken to the Authorities here. They'd be glad to help you and your Mother and will gladly refer you or do whatever it takes. One phone call and they will come and remove your Dad. Just that quick. Make the choice to help, you and your Mother and to end this awful thing, he's doing to you.

You may think that you love your father? I don't know? But what he is doing, to you, is so wrong that, it would take only one phone call and they would come and arrest him. If he loved you, he would not, could not do this to you. No, as your father, he never has the right to touch you and it is more than wrong, as well, for him to allow his friends to have sex with you. Please listen to me; It is so wrong.

It is all up to you now. As I said, you hold the key to your freedom. You hold the key to helping your Mother as well. Send me your address and within 24 hours or less, it'll all be over. No more hurt, no more pain, no more sexual molestation. let me help you, please?

If you are unsure or you need to think about it, I am always here for you, no matter what. You can call my machine on 4/29/08(This number is disabled but you may write me at mzbabz@comcast.net)(631)292-5005 or you can email me and I promise to help you. Send me your address and I will take care of the rest.

It is a felony for him to molest and rape you and all those, that have had sex with you, will also be arrested, jailed and thrown in Prison. What they are doing is wrong and beyond despicable. I pray you don't get pregnant or catch a life threatening disease such as AIDS/HIV. This would only compound this tragedy.

If your Father loves you, he wouldn't harm you as he is. He may not even realize that what he is doing, is so wrong. I have a feeling he does know but doesn't care. He is lying to you and himself, if he says or thinks that what he is doing is right or even within his rights, as your father.

I will say it again; you hold the key...use it. Call me, call the Police or email me right away and I will take care of the rest. I am here and will always be here for you.Please let me help you!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xmichra said...

Dear Bothered and Confused:

Your letter has me extremely worried. If this is happening to you, I can tell you for certain that you need to seek help and fast.

First of all I would like to point out that it costs nothing to call the police. NOTHING. You are under the age of majority, which means that any cost (legal or otherwise) would be covered from your state/province/etc from anything that would come of this. You would be protected, and that is the whole point. To gain protection.

You are right to be concerned about your mother, if she is indeed in a depressed state, she needs help as well. And not the kind a letter from us can help. She will need medical attention, and I think that you know this and want to help her. So when you seek help, make sure to take note of this, because she needs you as much as you need her.

Making another thing absolutely clear, you are not a possession. Your father doesn’t own you, and cannot treat you the way that he has. It is a crime to do what he has done, regardless of your age. You are your own person, and you do not have to be touched by ANYONE if that is what you want. You could be 13 or 113, makes no matter. If you are not wanting that type of touching, it is illegal. In your case it is also child abuse because of your age, and that is also a crime. You need to seek help from the authorities as quickly as you can. Do not be afraid, they will help you.

If you need more advice as to who you need to talk too, then babs and I will need a little more detail as to where you live (as in country, region, etc) so that we can tell you where you need to go exactly. We have promised that all letters be confidential on this site, but if you need more help and need someone, we are here for you. We will not post anything further, and we will work with you to get the help you need. Please take this advice, and make sure that you are protecting yourself. You need help, and we can help you if you let us.

Wishing You the Best,

Xmichra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soulseer Said...

Hey there,

My Mom (BABS,Aunt B) are very concerned about your situation .The question is ,do you need help getting out? Because there is limitless help available ,Ya just gotta reach out & take that helping hand.I understand your feelings .I too was molested several times .Know one thing ,if anything IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can get in contact with Mom mzbabz@comcast.net or Me anytime soulseer@verizon.net

Please if you need help ,let us know ,we can protect you & get you out of that hell you live in .We'll pray for you Hun.Remember ,it's not a burden or an inconvenience for us to talk to you.

Blessing & Bliss, Lee

http://www.myspace.com/soulseerlee

Perception of Beauty???

Say No to the fake perceptions. It starts with you, deciding that you are beautiful...just the way you are!!!

The Icing On The Cake

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am a homecare worker for a disabled man who uses a glass vase like apparatus to smoke marijuana every day (never while I am present). About two weeks ago, I brushed up against it and a little glass tube thingy fell out and shattered on the floor. I was very apologetic and offered to replace it. Since I have never bought drug paraphernalia before, my boss instructed me on where to go to get one in the area that I live. He also asked me to buy a second one for him, which I fully expected him to pay me for, since I believe that I was only obligated to purchase a replacement. Although it was highly embarrassing for me I made the purchase and I brought two to him the next day, and then the day after that, he emailed me that the bowl shaped ends of the tubes were too small, and he asked me to go to a different shop to purchase a larger ones. I emailed him back asking if I could pick up the first two and try to exchange them for larger ones at the first shop, since I had already spent $18 and I don’t really have a lot of extra money. He seemed annoyed at my request (obviously I was hampering his usage) but he agreed, although wrote that he had already used one of them. So the next day I was in (the following Tuesday) I took the unused one with me and tried to return it to the first shop. They refused to return or exchange it, something I figured might happen. My boss wrote to me that it was becoming a nuisance now, so I asked for the name of the second shop, and after work the next day I drove there, bought a larger one, and drove back to drop it off to my boss. On my way out the door he called out to me to purchase a second one again, but I thought, no way, if I buy two again and they’re again not the right size, then I could be stuck with the bill for those two as well. Since dropping off the second purchase, he has texted me to say that it is the correct size and thank you, but has not offered any extra reimbursement. I felt a little frustrated at this point and so admitted the whole thing to my husband, who said that if I had been stopped by the police I could have gotten in trouble for having drug paraphernalia in my possession (I had a piece of the original broken tube with residue in it for comparing size), and who agrees with me that I should only be responsible for paying for one replacement (at $9), and should request that my boss reimburse me $18 for the other two. Honestly, I know I won’t have the guts to ask my boss for this, and the wimpy side of me says that I created the error in the first place by being clumsy and breaking something, and therefore I am obligated to rectify the situation at my cost. However, there is another little demon sitting on my other shoulder saying, wait a sec, he asked for the second one and it’s not your fault that they weren’t the correct size and that the store refuses to return or exchange them. I have started looking for a new position and will most likely leave my job over this. It has created uncomfortable tension between me and my boss.

What do you think?

Perplexed :o/

Dear Perplexed,

This is enough to piss off a Preacher, huh? I immediately want you to know, that I do, wholeheartedly, side with you on this.

For starters, I think taking responsibility for the accident was kind of you and probably the right thing to do. I feel that paying for one pipe, was fair and fitting. Beyond this, I think he's taking advantage of you and used the situation and your guilt associated with it, to his advantage. That alone, doesn't sit too well with me.

Now, I have an extensive drug past, notice the word "past," meaning, I've been out of the loop for some time now. I say this, to point out the fact that I'm no novice but even I would be quite uncomfortable, a bit iffy, buying a pipe/bong thingy. It's quite possible that your boss, seeing how he's in that loop, might not understand how you kind of went way out of your way for him or your trepidation, purchasing the pipes, over and over. But even setting that aspect aside, I do feel that it's not fair of him, to expect you to foot the bill for all his requests. Actually, I find it down right under handed and wrong. As I said before, I think he's clearly taken advantage of your good nature and kindness, not to mention your guilt for inconveniencing him. Poor baby, couldn't get his freak on, huh?

Looking at things from a medical stand point, there is validation concerning the pain properties, in the medicinal proclivity of smoking pot. HIV/AIDS patients report that it's a great help in their pain. As well, those experiencing side effects from Chemo, say they receive great benefit from this drug. They also take MARINOL® capsules, their primary ingredient is THC and it helps with pain and is an appetite enhancer. This may be a more conclusive answer, for your patient? He needs only to speak with his treating Physician, as this is a better choice, safer and more convenient.

I can see you've had enough and this was just the icing on the cake. I suggest that you write up a receipt for the additional pipes and sit it appropriately somewhere where he will see it. If at that point he doesn't get the picture, it's because he doesn't want to get the picture. I'd put the total there, with any receipts you might have and clearly add it up, so he gets the balance, minus the cost of the first pipe.

I hate to say it but you do have him at a clear disadvantage. If he does not have a medical prescription for smoking, he is doing it illegally. If the subject is broached, after you've given him the bill for the pipes, you need only to make him painfully aware, that you are concerned because this is illegal and you risked being arrested yourself, for trying to help him and being nice enough to replace a pipe you broke accidentally.

If he can't grasp the situation, after saying all that and presenting him with the bill, then is a clear case, proving, why maybe, the smoke has gone to his brain, damaging it permanently, (insert hysterical laugh here). Get out before it rubs off!

Xmichra Said...

Dear Perplexed,

Total agreement with Babs.

I would like to ask, is this a legal use? Because, and i am just going by things up here, if it was for medical use they actually provide implements to smoke the MJ. Also, if it is leagal, and he did break a pipe, he can collect reimbursment through medical coverage for medical supplies.

So, the reason i am asking, is that if it was legal.. you are looking at a cost of nine bucks which is totally refundable. And it was not only unfair to ask you to go and get supplies like this, but illegal. your husband was right on that.

What SHOULD have happened in a legal sittuation, was that you pay him the nine bucks (which BTW is REALLY nice), he collect the merchandise and the reimbursment, and then he in turn PAY YOU BACK. that's how i see it. Yes you broke the thing, but it was an accedent, and it wasn't something that couldn't be replaced.

If it is illegal use, that letter might be a great idea, but i would photocopy the receipts. Nothing says 'not guilty' like lack of evidence. and if you are going to nail this guy for taking advantage of you (and that's what it is really about, not 27 dollars) then you need to excersize a bit of restraint.

Land of Free Water

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

My name is Linda. I have a male friend who is living with me. Nothing sexual. I took him in because he was close to being homeless and had no place to go. No family to speak of. He has been living with me about 2 months, it is my place, I pay all the rent and bills, and he was very aware of the "rules" before he moved in. I am a disabled woman, a VERY private person. I do not choose to socialize with neighbors, having been taken advantage of badly in the past. He is very aware of this. He has no vehicle and no license, he helps me out with chore (I breed dogs) and I pay everything plus provide him with a cell phone. He does help me tremendously. All I ask is that he obey my rules, rules he knew I had before he moved in.

About 5 days ago, a female crack addict moved into the place directly across from us. She immediately began asking him for things, such as the use of my water, lots of my water, in fact, since hers is not on. I was not home when she asked him, and without even calling me on my cell and discussing it with me, he allowed her to take several large containers of water from my outside faucet. She immediately began asking for rides to go get beer and cigarettes, and to use my phone, all of which I refused. I told her I could not continue to allow her to use my water, I am disabled and on a very fixed income. I could tell he got mad at me about it, calling me "cold and heartless". I did not take this woman to raise and I owe her nothing. Last night I caught her stealing water from my faucet, she had 8-10 huge plastic containers, filling them up. When she saw me watching her, she got scared and ran off. He got extremely angry with me for "catching" her and being mad about it. Keep on mind, he pays for nothing!!! He did nothing to back me up or take my side when the Sheriff came. He has had an "attitude" with me all day, he has been to "scared" to go outside my front door, because they might see him and get mad!!! Things worked out great when he first moved in, we helped each other, but the longer he is here, the more he tries to take over, and act as if this is his place and he pays for everything and not me. I do not smoke, I told him no smoking in my house or car and he does it anyway. He is not the least bit sorry she stole my water, he is mad at me for getting upset. He doesn't have anything "going" with her, I can just already tell, he is a first class wimp, too scared to tell anyone no. I no longer want him here, I feel very violated. He knows how bad I struggle financially. He has no place to go. My family is enraged he would do me this way, after I took him in and have been so good to him. They said to take him to a men's shelter. When I called the sheriff on this woman who stole my water, he even called me very ugly names. What can I do?
Thank You, Linda

Dear Linda,

Sorry you have to go through this and no, I don't think he's being fair to you. Maybe he needs notice to straighten up and fly right?

It needs to be made clear, that you will not be taken advantage of, BY ANYBODY, including him, much less the neighbor, whom you don't even know or desire to know. If that makes you the "ugly names," then so be it. But I side with you on this.

It took me years of being taken advantage of to realize that although I'd love to save the world, sometimes I can't. That doesn't make me a bad person, that just means that I am limited, as to what I can do or will do. Water is not free, last I knew and even though it may very well seem petty to your live-in boarder, it is not even his water to give.

Yes, he sees you as being petty. I see it as being wise. But I doubt the expense it the biggest point? Some people, when you give them an inch, will take a mile. The point was just proven by her immediate requests of rides to get beer and so on. Furthermore, it needs to be made clear, that while you are willing to help him, you are not here to save the world, will not and can not.

Now, to set the stage, maybe you need to reiterate your original agreement with him. He was to honor your privacy and he has not. Make it clear that this will not happen again or he can find somewhere else to live. It is not your duty to take care of him and out of the kindness of your heart, you choose to help. By going against your principle rule of privacy, he has violated your trust and the conditions of his living there. Make it clear, this is no free for all and while you do appreciate his help, if it is going to be more bother than it's worth, he can find somewhere else to go, maybe the land of the free water, is taking applications?

Make sure, that you let him know, that you two have a business arrangement of sorts. You appreciate his help and in return, you give him shelter and a cell phone. That is it. If he can not abide by your wishes and we won't even call them rules, then what is the point? Why would you stay in this situation?

Sorry but I do believe there are more handy man/helpers out there, who'd be more than happy to have this arrangement. You need only to run an ad. Now, I know, you've only brought him into your home because of the situation. It strikes me that you're not the type to want another handy man, you're too private. But he must know that you'll do what you must to bring about a sense of peace, one you used to have.

Remind him again, to respect your wishes, no more smoking, stop bending the rules, respect your privacy or turn in his keys and cell phone. That's it and that's all.

Now, let me remind you, if you allow this to continue, it may only get worse. Your approach to this, is the key. Try to sit him down and ask to talk.. Of course, in your best diplomatic voice, state again, what your wishes are and renew your agreement. Let him know, as I said before, that you do appreciate all he does but this can not and will not go on, as it has. But stand your ground now and hopefully, he'll remember your original agreement and begin to honor it again.


Or...let him read this and see it in black & white.