Tempered Gold

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hello Aunt B,
I have a not so unique problem, for 18 years I was in an abusive relationship both physical and mental. I had two children from this marriage.. My son then 14 and daughter 12 when my ex husband gained custody. Lawyers, Psychiatrist and Counselors, all were involved. (I am trying to be brief) Anyway, on March 3, 2003 my ex gained custody, he went to the school and took the children from school. The school didn't phone me or anything to tell me they had been taken, only that he (my ex) had shown them a piece of paper and they allowed him to take them. We went to court. I was ordered to "visit" my children" every other week I had to drive 100 miles every other weekend to pick them up and to deliver them back. My son, was never present, when I asked where he was his father said he was busy. My ex continued to tell the children I was a drunk, druggy etc., All was a pack of lies. Furthermore, he told my kids that the abuse never happened, when in fact most of the time they were present for all of it. So for the past four years I wrote letters only to be returned, birthday cards were sent back torn up with hateful letters inside calling me various names. So, this year January 2007 I quite sending anything. My new husbands sister has a daughter, my daughters age and they became close when I married in November of 2001. She has turned herself into a surrogate mother and told me that my 10 (at the time) told her that my home smelled like sex, booze and cigarettes. Now, I do not claim to be a "go to church every weekend type person" but, I am not a boozer nor have I EVER had a promiscuous life, in fact I have had two relationships and married both men I have had relations with. I spent every penny $45,000.00 in legal fees and psychiatrist, produced police reports, restraining orders and medical records proving my ex was an abuser.

I saw my daughter for the first time today and she claimed she wanted to get to know me, I immediately did what any mother would do, went to her. She is 16 now and immediately asked me why (screaming) I would not let her stay with me longer. I walked away. I honestly do not know what too do.

My Dear Friend,

I had to delay answering you, hoping that I would have a more unbiased opinion, on the matter. Thus far, I am still pissed about this and can not hide it.

I just so happen, to have gone through a similar experience, when my babies were little. To get back at me, my husband used my children as pawns and his allegations were false. I was able to win back my sons but not before I lost a precious amount of time and a piece of my mind. I do believe it drove me to insanity and it was a struggle to come back. It hurt so bad and I can certainly understand your plight.

I'm not sure what you are asking me? Is it to ignore your daughter because of the things, they said or the allegations? If that is the sum of your question, let me answer that first.

If you are the kind of mother, as I am and was, you've just gone through a horrendous situation. I'm quite sure it was a virtual nightmare, you could not escape. The accusations were bad enough but they added insult to injury by not believing you. Then, you were punched in the gut by having your children taken from you. To further the pain, they lied about you and told people fictitious things, which fueled his accusations, in the first place. Yes, your own children said this, didn't they? The question is why? Why did they further that horrible scenario, with incredible lies?

This is what I believe happened;

It is self-evident that your ex-husband has the power of persuasion, a natural salesman with dirty deeds, done dirt cheap. It was all at your expense. He not only beat you into submission, for a moment but he really did a dirty job on your children, too. By your own admission, he did beat you in front of them. If he never laid a hand on them, this would be enough, to set the stage, the plausibility factor, that he is capable of bodily harm. Your children, naturally would do and say his biding. The similarity is likened to; Stockholme Syndrome

Read about this and Battered Women's Syndrome. I do believe you may have suffered from this. It is a personal observation and only an opinion. Why would I think this? Well, you went to court, armed for bear and were defeated. Did you appeal it? You may not have had the means to do so, financially. This is not a lax in your motherly duties, let me point this out. But you were once again defeated by a man who beat you down, physically and figuratively.

Let's go back to the children and their part in this. First, let me point out to you, your husband was in contempt of court by allowing your son to not attend the visitation. It may have been your sons wish to not see you. But it was, his father's duty to make him see you. He was then in violation of a court order. Your son is entitled to his opinion, which was probably, no, I'd bet coerced and put upon him. Out of loyalty to his father, he refused to see you in the guise of "being busy." But it is the obligation of the father to follow the letter of the law. If your son had chose to not attend school, it is the responsibility of his father to make sure he went. He may not have been happy with it but he was a minor, therefore the state makes the rules and the father would have been fined, after a certain amount of time, that your son did not attend. I tell you this, trying to point out the similarity here. Your son, regardless of his opinion, should have been made to go to visitation. But I think his Dad was or acted like he was damn proud that his son, showed his loyalty to him, to avoid seeing you. It was probably encouraged. I tell you this, so you'll look at the power your ex wielded, over the children. Your son, was probably, in some sick way, rewarded for his arrogance against you. The mind set was then in place, that it's a good thing to hate your mother. Children are so impressionable. You scare them into doing, your bidding and to say and communicate all the lies to facilitate a positive reinforcement. I think this is exactly what he did. This is another form of abuse. After a while, the kids may even believe the bullshit, they've been fed and told to say. It's so sad, isn't it? You paid for this dirty SOB's game. So did your babies. But the games not over Girlfriend, remember this.

You did not say to me, that this is what was going on but I'd be willing to put up money, that this is exactly what has happened. You also did not tell me, why you walked away from you daughter. But I have my beliefs and I think you were hurt by her actions, naturally so. When they said that your house, smelled like, "sex, booze and cigarettes", can't you see that, it is and was, an implanted and inflammatory statement? Really, I do not want to get graphic but how many children know what sex smells like? No, they were told to say that and your husband, well, he probably wears a condom for a hat. How low can you go?

As far as I'm concerned, for what he has done, he deserves a life sentence. It would be, in a perfect world, illegal for him to have corrupted his children as he has done and the sentence would be for him to do Life. In my perfect world, he'd be beaten down, in Prison and learn what it is to submit to a bully. I would love to be a fly on the wall.

My suggestion, to you, is to do your homework. I have provided you, a couple of links, already. I will put a few, at the bottom of this post. For you to heal, you must understand your adversary. Your ex-husband is a piece of shit to the 10th power but you need to see what his game was. He used your children, in that game and you have all suffered for it. But truly, you must forgive your daughter, for doing her father's bidding. You must reach into your heart and look for understanding, that it, is not and was not her fault. As far fetched as it may seem, your son is not to blame, either. He was trying to please his father, they both were. Can you not see, how miserable he would have made it for them, if they'd shown any loyalty, to you? I'd bet that, your name was not to be brought up, for fear of a barrage of insults and inflamed conversation. They most likely learned very quickly, that, if they even brought you up, they'd have to endure and have to hear, all his hateful remarks, about you. So, the kids adapted, as they usually do, did what they were told and began to believe the crap they'd had shoved down their throats. Can you see what I am saying, is true?

You've been through a tumultuous time, in your life. You've suffered such indignities and now, in spite of that son of a bitch, I want you to rise above it all and begin to heal from this. But how do you do this?

I don't know if you are a Spiritual person but I do know this much; My Higher Power has stated, "Vengeance is mine," and you must plead with him for retribution, for yourself and for your children. You pray that the truth is exposed. You pray that he warms your children's hearts and He whispers the truth, about you, in their ears. May the scales be lifted from their eyes, so they may then, see the truth. A day of reckoning will come, be patient and pray for it. Pray fervently. You must do your homework and pray for wisdom so, you may see through the ruse your ex has created. You must pray that your own heart can see to forgive your children and understand it was not them, that did this to you. They were a victim, of his dirty game, just as you were. You must forgive your son, as well as your daughter. As much as it all hurts, forgive and bring your daughter back into your heart. When you do this, the truth will begin to unfold and she will be able to see it, in your eyes.

I am not a Legal Eagle but I would prepare a statement, describing the whole situation. I would then mail that to every attorney in your area and ask them if, out of the goodness of their heart, they could, possibly represent you. Many attorneys do charitable work, once a month or whatever and you ask them, if they can not do it, can they recommend a reputable attorney, that might take the case.
Your key piece is the fact that your husband is in contempt of court, if he does not allow your visits and communication. I hope you have all of your correspondence, returned and you state that you have this, in the letter to the attorneys. You may have grounds, not only for a Children and Youth Dispute case but you may have a Civil case? If you can prove all this, that he did not provide your son for visitation and all your correspondence was returned, he clearly in contempt. You may not even need an attorney to file a case with the court. This'll burn his ass. But if you don't even try, he wins. He has damaged you and your children with his actions. I would further, go back and appeal that judge's decision. The Judge had to have proof to make his decision. The burden of proof was on your husband. Fight this and even if you do not have the financial capacity to hire an attorney out and out, send out the letter and call the courts and tell them what is going on. They will have to file on a Contempt hearing. Don't let him win, even if it is only getting yourself right on this whole thing.

You must re-invent yourself, so you will shine. You must rise above this and you must put on my Bitch Belt and become an assertive, unstoppable woman. Yes, he did you dirty but you show him how to play the game by using your wits and the legal system to your advantage. Most of all, seek and you shall find, I stake my life on this. Seek Him with all the fiber of your being and pray with all the conviction you can muster. I pray that my God gives you the strength to get through this. See, all things happen for a reason. We are being tempered like the finest gold and it takes the highest temperatures to do this. You've walked through hell, just as I did but you've come out of it all, singed but intact. Once you begin to take back your control, you will be a better person for it. Believe it or not!
What is Battered Women's Syndrome?

Domestic Violence in the Courtroom; Understanding the Problem

Battered Women's Defence

Psychology of Battered Women's Syndrome

Battered Women & Their Children

How Do I Enforce Visitation; In Contempt

Interference With Visitation

Life Is Too Short...Just Say It

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

I’ve never written in to an advice column before in my life, so I hope this is okay. There’s this girl that I work with that I’m really good friends with. Her name is Sarah. She’s a year younger than me and I know her brother. They’ve had some family problems in the past (her Dad’s in jail for white-collar crime, stealing $1.6 million from clients), and recently we’ve talked about these issues. Usually she doesn’t talk about this stuff with other people, so I feel like we’re pretty close. I really like her.

I’m going to prom tonight with a girl I don’t really like, we’re just friends. Her name is Alecia. Sarah knows of the situation and is going to prom with a guy I’m friends with named Justin. They’re both just friends also, in fact, he asked her to the prom just yesterday because his other date dropped him at the last minute. Alecia asked me about a month ago, and we’ve clearly established that we’re just going as friends. In fact, the more I get to know her the less I like her: she’s very very dramatic and very very fat. Perfect package, right? I know seem shallow, just hear me out.

Anyway, I really like Sarah. Both of us are pretty busy, especially lately, but I’m meeting her after school this Wednesday to give her my parking permit (I finish school before she does). I want to say something that lets her know I’m interested in her, but I don’t want to overwhelm her in case she doesn’t feel the same way. Either way, I want to remain close friends after this, so I just kind of want to “push open the door,” so to speak. I’ll only have a few minutes; she’s just stopping by on her way to her dance class, but what should I say? Also, next school year we won’t be in the same school. I’ll be in college about 45 minutes away, and she’ll be a senior in high school. Do you think it’s still worth it to try and begin a relationship?

Please, if you publish this change all names…thanks!

Bob





Hi Bob,

Well, it goes like this; A smart guy uses all his resources and tools to get the job done. It is surely not a sign of weakness to write and get an objective opinion or someone to play Devil’s Advocate. Actually, I think it’s pretty damn intelligent, so nix those thoughts. Now, let’s see what we can do here… I realize you don’t have much time here, so I will try to answer you as quickly as possible. I think you are asking, what would be the appropriate thing to say to Sarah, to not seem pushy, yet, let her know, that she is on your mind, right? If you get this in time, you could do one or both things, I will suggest; You could get a nice card, “Thinking of You” or even a nice “Thank You” card. Either one, you put a endearing message that speaks, for itself without going over the top, right? Let’s say, you give her the Thinking of You card. On the inside of the card, you simply say, something like, “More often than not,” or even “Always.” If you give her the Thank You card, you could say something like, “For always putting a smile on my face,” or a more a more defining approach, would be, “Because I have enjoyed our friendship.” That doesn’t give away too much, it’s something that will make her think and if she doesn’t feel the same way as you (I think she does) it gives you a spot, not looking like you’re saying anything more than, it’s been a fun friendship. I know how you guys are and more often than not, you have a hard time saying how you really feel, for fear of looking like a mushy goober. Yet, in all honesty, girls love a mushy goober. This is why I suggested, handing her a card, along with the Parking Pass, maybe even a single yellow rose or other flower. Let me tell you Bob, you only live once, you get one go around. Don’t waste it on words, you can’t say. Use those tools, cards, text messages, emails, whatever it takes to say what needs to be said. Really, what’s the worst thing she could ever say to you, “Get lost, go away, get a life, get over it?” She can break your heart, she can chew you up but she can’t eat you, right? I guess what I’m saying is, go out on a limb cause this girl is real nice and the biggest piece is that you, respect her, don’t you? She has you thinking, doesn’t she? Why is that? I’ll tell you why; she’s not a bimbo and you respect her for her intelligence. She’s a young woman and they are subject to change but somehow, I think she has a genuine heart. She’s not like those other girls, either. Nope, she’s a young lady you hold in high regard and that’s what you are attracted to, huh? She carries herself well and is not loud and boisterous. I am not saying she’s a meek and mild little girl, innocent or anything like that. What I mean is, she’s well rounded and you can talk to her. She doesn’t embarrass you. See, you could go after that “Trophy Chick” and after you’ve had your way with her, she can’t even hold a conversation. I am not trying to bring sex into the equation but it’s a fact, a real life situation, and the sleazy bimbo’s often, do not make good wives. I’m not trying to push marriage either. I am giving you “Life Advice.” What I mean is this, when you are looking for a “Girlfriend,” you want somebody that is well rounded. In most relationships, sex does become a factor, right? If she’s a bimbo, you have sex, that lasts, maybe, minutes to a couple of hours and then what, you two have nothing to talk about. I can tell, that you are a fairly nice guy and you “ain’t no dummy.” So, you need a gal, you can have deep conversations with, who’s on the same page, right? That was just a little sidebar on the situation. Yes, I think you should pursue this and could either give her the card or simply say, “I don’t want our friendship to end because I am leaving. I enjoy your company. Can I call you?” Then, you smile and wink at her. All else will fall into place.

A Polished Perception

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

First I’d just like to start off by saying that I have been in a very good relationship for about 3 ½ years. I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret anything by thinking I am unhappy or really unsure.. Because all I’m really looking for is a little input, blunt, honest input. My boyfriend & I were long distance for most of those 3 years.. However it was a healthy, trustworthy long distance relationship. This past fall he decided he wanted to make things easier and better for us.. He went through a lot of trouble and made the impossible possible to leave his life, family, everything back at home and come move closer to me. He moved here knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see me as much as he expected because we are both attending college full time.. Are still about an hour away and plus things have been hard for me at home. I have the boyfriend that all the friends and family love.. That everyone thinks is so perfect, it is nice however when things are so good to be true.. It causes a little tilt in the relationship to be a nightmare. I’ve learned that by some rocky roads that we have hit. I have never had any trust issues with him, always felt secure and confident about us.. He feels the same. A couple of months ago I started to discover some things.. Long story short-- I learned that he lied about silly things, like going out for lunches or hanging out with a group of people (girls included) He has proven to me that it was all innocent. I am not the jealous, crazy type.. I never thought I had to be. I always trusted him to be around whoever whenever and still respect our relationship & vice versa. What hurts me the most is the dishonesty. I will admit.. I have dealt with the situations in childish ways but I am just not used mess up’s and refuse to get used to things like that. I over analyze a lot.. I have discovered that the Lies were all innocent .. And in most cases weren’t technically lies but still he did make decisions that he wouldn’t like done to him. I am certain that he is sorry.. I am certain and feel reassured that I have nothing to worry about in the “ has he been faithful” category. Like a typical woman=) .. I won’t get into detail about things I have done to hurt him that he has forgiven me for .. But I do admit to that & he has always been very forgiving. But my pride tells me that I don’t need to feel obligated to forgive him & that I should consider it something that jeopardized our relationship and leave him.. Because if he cared he wouldn’t Lie.. Or keep things away from me. I am a type of woman who “won’t stand for nothing” with constructive criticism from my close friends I realize that it would be a mistake to break off such a great relationship for something like this.. They tell me I tend to be very protective of myself and shouldn't let my pride get in my way this time w/ someone like him(they feel this way b/c they know who he is and think I should take into consideration all he‘s done for me and trust they were all honest mistakes, they tell me I need to put my pride down. My gut instinct tells me I’d be silly to leave him.. I am not really even angry at him about the situation anymore, I don’t bring it up. But I do think about it a lot.. And at times I feel that continuing and accepting this will mean I'm “ just another weak woman” for accepting someone into my life who has done this. I’m going to stop right here.. I think I might of made things seem worse then they really are ( I tend to do that) but I just want to make sure I get the most brutal honesty there is out there.

Let me try to elaborate more to familiarize you w/ my relationship & who I am...maybe this seems strange to u that I'm coming to a complete stranger..but i am young & have a strong belief that unbiased opinions could be more reliable than biased..& not sayin that what my family and friends have to say isnt right but from ur feedback u def seem to know what ur talking about..So out of curiousity taking all that i've mentioned into consideration & now after the fact .. What would YOU do with the same scenerio, try to put urself in my shoes for a min..how would u handle the situation ?
.. I don't really know what this says about me(taking-seeking advice from a complete stranger) but hey you seem educated, realistic, sincere & strong-minded. I got that observation just from your comment you left..on my post that I'm somewhat ashamed of. I really think about it now, I don't know why/how I let myself go as far as posting something seeking advice on the web..but I guess it was my childish side looking for more input on something so minor & i'm leaving a lot of things out that I've done or handled things that contribute to the reason I've prob become a mess over this..and leaving out things i've done to him that are prob just eating at me now.. So I just wanted to elaborate a little more hoping you can give me even more advice in return. See all of this happend months ago & obviously my gut instinct told me I should believe.. with the proof an all that he was faithful, that I never doubted. Neither of us have ever been the jealous types, i've never gave him the idea that I had a problem w/ him having female friends. Also another thing.. it seems that a lot of mature adults i went to for advice in healthy relationships don't consider what he's done as "lying" b/c well i guess w/ a little digging i happend to find out what i've never asked or questioned before. However I refuse to take any of that in--because it still wasn't right & he agrees. In your comment you mentioned how I should know WHY he lied. When all this happend.. in short, his explanations were that the females in the group were girls who he knew through his guy friends he made in his dorm. & that he was around the girls when he was invited to lunch or dinner a few times as a group of the new transfer college kids that lived on the same floor or would just run into each other & it would happen at random. I completely understood but i was dissapointed; b/c i told him then what is the reason from keeping that information from me. He said he never thought of it that way, and that he knows thats a mistake, he said that he never really knew who would or wouldn't show up & that it was all a very honest mistake.. that he never realized that maybe it could be wrong,that he never looked at it that way never thought of it in that way.. he was/is sorry. he begged for forgiveness but then told me he understands if i couldn't forgive him for something as little as this b/c he doesn't know how else to explain something that didn't mean anything at all. So basically his reasons why.. were never that he "needed space" or "didn't want to hurt me" or whatever other cliche things ppl lie about even when it is innocent. I realize that I put much more weight on the issue than there really was,do u agree?..after so many interegating conversations i put him through for it--i could tell. Because I realized that I made it more important then it was, made things mean more thn they really did: so i basically trapped him into apologizing and explaining it as if it were the greatest sin he's ever committed. A little about me: I am young, almost 20 yrs old, overprotective of myself, perfectionist, refuse to take in negative feelings, never believed in mistakes, over analyze everything, care too much, hypocritical, & I am recently trying to recover from a minor eating disorder(which seems to be a result of all the above personal issues that i have struggled with before my relationship, w/ or w/o him this has been me.. so as u can see maybe A lot of my personal issues/insecurities add to why I felt such betrayal by such childish things(?) & felt that i was maybe degrading myself if i was forgiving.. But I thank you so much & trust, even as a stranger.. you won't belittle my opening up to you & that you are being honest & I'd really appreciate some more input when you get the chance. Sorry that it might seem a little choppy & Long ---

- please reply to this e-mail. thank you

Well, I'll start at the bottom, of your letter and work my way up. Somehow, I can relate to your letter, completely. Your feelings are real and right. They belong to you and it is what you choose to do with them, that will make the difference.

Your guy told some dumb white lies, that really were inconsequential but lies are lies and we have to wonder what the motive was or is. Maybe he was trying to impress and it backfired on his butt. He feels the sting of that, now, I am quite sure.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with you, as a person, the whole package. I see nothing wrong with your desire for the best. You will be successful in life, by your desires alone. But of course, we are all human and we tend to mess up from time to time. That is why the words forgive and forget were invented. But I feel there is more to this, in your eyes, than a simple premise of forgive and forget. It's the principle of the incidents.

You may never really know exactly why he did and said what he did or implied. That is really not the important thing here. I have the feeling, he may have tried to make you think. What was he trying to make you think about? Was it to appreciate him because he is a desirable guy or that he is living a life, he wishes he could? I think it is running at the mouth syndrome. Many men are infected with the false bravo bug. But there is a cure for that.

My gut instincts tell me that, you will not settle for any bullshit relationship and that is right. In fact I encourage it. There is no law that says we must marry and be unhappy. But you want it right the first time. Your strict requirements for someone to engage your heart are reasonable but you must remember that men are not mind readers and they often have a need to draw attention to their manlihood. It is an age old practice and he is not any different than any other guy. So, what to do? You must reassure him from time to time. I did not say fluff his ego in a patronizing manner but never take him for granted, even if you are independent enough, that you do not need him. I know this to be true but you can not, turn it on and off when you wish, meaning you have to view a relationship, such as yours, as you let him be the man, you be the woman in the full text of the relationship and you give credit where credit is due. What I mean by that, is that there are always things, we as women need help with. In turn, this world revolves around women and the world would literally stop, if it were not for women. Do you understand what I am saying?

We as women have been put in our place but we need to empower ourselves with the fact that life and population and all things would come to a full stop, if you eradicated women. As well, we must appreciate our men, too. From the little things they do, you know, the unpleasantries in life and so on. I can not put my finger on the complex premise of what I am trying to say here, except to tell you that you do not have to bend or bow, you just have to communicate.

I realize that you do not want to harp on him, about this subject and there's nothing worse than a nag but obviously, this is still a deep cut and I understand why.

It is my suggestion, that you sit your guy down and you say that you do not want to bring up the past, in the context to squeeze out any more apology. You have forgiven him but you have not forgotten. There's a reason, it has scored you. You feel a bit of betrayal, understandably. So, you explain that you feel a bit of betrayal. He will probably look at you like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And he may even say or think, "What the hell is the big deal?" This is where you must explain to him, that you expect the very best from the best.

I'd be willing to bet that you are a gorgeous women and I'd further bet, that one half of you knows it and the other half tells you that you are crazy, for thinking that. One half of you knows that you can get whatever it is you want, whether it be a guy, job, degree, whatever. You have an extremely strong personality and are a go getter. So, I think you know that you could have another guy. But you do not want another guy and except for this, group of incidents, he has proven his loyalty. But you expect the best from the best and will not stand for anything less. You need to tell him this. Then you need to stand firmly on the fact that you will, can and should show him that's what's good for the goose, is always good for the Gander with a capital "G."

You point out to him, that he must always remember this. It is this conversation, which will mold and shape your relationship. Sometimes, a fella just needs his gal to take him by the hand and show him the world. You will and can do this and remind him that behind every good and great man, is a powerful woman, one who realizes and is fine being a woman, loves being in her own skin and has the understanding that your man, is your equal, regardless of physical attributes.

He in turn must also realize this. You are his equal and for whatever reason, that he is attracted to you, it has to be more than your good looks. He knows this and I do think he has a few insecurities. You must assure him that in your eyes, he is "The One" and you do not see anything else. So he needs to stop trying to make you think or appreciate him or playing any other games he might think up. You will not tolerate it because you do not have to. You must say this in an assertive way, matter of fact but in a loving manner.

You must also explain to him that you do not need him but that you want him. You point out, that there is a distinct difference. In order for things to work, in your world, the most important thing, is complete and total honesty. It is only through this, that trust, a variable that is paramount to every healthy relationship, grows and becomes second nature.
You must be able to trust his emotions, as well as handing him your heart. I believe you are a woman, of a higher caliber and will not and refuse to hand the keys to your heart to just anybody. Actually, he does not even realize that he is a lucky guy. There must be something about him that has entertained and played your heart strings all this time. Am I right or what?

No, he's not real good looking, not bad looking either. I think, he is a well rounded package and you want to keep it that way. He needs to appreciate the fact that you are a deep thinker but your love is deeper than most women. When you love, you love with every fiber of your being and you, indeed, are a rare breed. You are for real, you play for keeps and will kick the crap out of anything that stands in your way. You are the kind of woman that wears a Bitch Belt proudly but you simply want things to be right, not partly right but every little bit, every nook and cranny, every niche, polished, proudly.

You tell your guy that you will wipe the slate clean. But you want complete honesty from this moment on. You have chosen him because of his attributes and even the littlest of lies, tarnishes that. More importantly, I do believe, that he does not understand that, you not only love him but you respect him. You hold him in the highest regard and telling the smallest of lies, takes away from that. It's that damn simple, that's it and that's all. Now, you lean over and kiss him and whisper in his ear;
"Never again, should you tarnish that polished perception, I have of you, in my very soul."

Encouraging Words

♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

I Can't Stand A No Stand- Up Woman

I'm a woman, in case you were wondering but there's nothing I hate worse than a deceptive woman, especially when she tries to get pregnant deceptively or gets pregnant by some other guy and tries to pull a fast one on her current flavor. While I'm on the subject; It is equally disgusting, when women use the law to their advantage and lie about being raped, abused or the like. If it happened, I would fight along side you but I can't stand a lying, using, deceptive girl, she's not even a woman, in my book. I've seen the ramifications, of these tawdry women, the kind this Mama, warned you about! Mz.Karma Bitchslap with visit you.That said, I direct you to this letter, found on the D.C. Craigslist. It's a classic and that wanna be woman, deserved it...

Something To Think About

This fellow, contacted me concerning his blog, One Million Love Messages. Do we ever have enough love? Do we say enough, realizing it may be the last time or opportunity to express how we truly feel, about all the people that we hold dear? I think not. If we began to live our lives, as if it was our last day and said what needed to be send, mended what we could, apologized for the pain we may have caused, our world, our lives, may be just a little brighter. You just might see, people with real, genuine smiles on their faces. Something to think about, huh?

Looking for Rhyme and Reason

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi Aunt B,
I am in real turmoil. I am 38, have my own company, successful and attractive ("they" say). I have fallen head over heels for a guy who I met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off when we first met, same interests, job understanding and that thing we call chemistry was was really strong. He ended it with me very quickly back then because his recently former girlfriend got sick and needed him. He chose to go back to her. Let me say, he is honest and upfront- not a player, and I have had many of those, so I know. He lives in NJ and I live in MA so it wasn't like I was right there to fight for it. His last words to me then were, "I know our paths will cross again, I have got to be there for her, she was there for me when my dad died"- I cried for 3 months. I know how hard it is to find a connection out there and I was heartbroken that the connection from him was cut so short. Fast forward to this March...I sent him a random text to say I was thinking of him and hoped all was well. Our mutual friend has always kept me in the loop with him. In fact, he has said that he thinks we would end up together and that he always asked about me...blah blah blah. He responded right away to the text and said how he had been thinking of me so much and we continued texting very randomly over the next months. I let him know I would be in NYC on business- he called- asked me to a black tie event and said he really wanted to see me. I had my friends apartment in the city to myself and was there for 3 nights...he stayed with me and we had the time of our life....chatted till 4 am every night - talked about "her" and how he had not seen her in 3 months and that it was over. He took me to amazing restaurants and was a total gentleman- we slept in the same bed but didn't get "physically intimate" for those 3 nights. He than asked me to come back to NY for the weekend to stay with him at his home in NJ. I did. I don't even have the adjectives to describe the time we had. He described it as "a gift" a second chance- and was open with me about his feelings and wanting to move forward with us...he said he never felt this way with anyone before- I felt the same. It was easy and it felt so right. When I got home, we made plans for the immediate future to spend time in MA where I live etc...THEN- I get the call...he's in tears, voice shaking...he says his ex - yes her, called to let him know she was 3 months pregnant ! I fell to the floor. I wished I was her, and thats what I told him. He is in a state of disbelief, not sure what to do. He is now visiting family out of the country for a week to "soul search". I have received a few "thinking of you" and "wish you were here" texts. I told him before he left that I was in this with him if he wanted me to be. He was sick over the fact that I don't deserve this pain- feels guilty for causing it. The big picture seems dark. I hate that she is carrying his child....its all I ever wanted for myself. What would you do if you were me? Should I hang on and hope he choses love over obligation? My life feels like it is on hold. I also feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. I am able to function but every minute seems like hours. HELP.




Dear Friend,

Wow!I can only imagine what you are going through? Life can seem so sad, so cruel but I think there is hope for your situation. It will take some work, honesty and understanding. But first, before anything else, I recommend that you pray for wisdom. I also pray for my wisdom, as I do with every letter I get, that as I answer it, I may be help and not a hindrance. We are treading on old school obligation and matters of the heart.

I feel you are extremely understanding and have been. I want you to succeed in your happiness but of course, you'll never want to stand in his way, doing what he feels he needs to do. What I mean by that is the fact that he may also be old school. Not that long ago, if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. Things have changed but for some, they still have those values and beliefs, deeply ingrained.That's why we need complete, unadulterated, honesty here.

My first impression or assumption from your letter, is that this fella is one of a kind, a good guy, one of those, a rare breed, that still wears a white hat. I also feel, that he had deep feelings, for this girl/woman. He may not have been "in love" with her after a certain period of time but he had "a love" for her. There is, of course, a difference. I think he is "in love" with you and not with her but has a deep sense of obligation as he stood by her side, when she needed him. That is an honorable trait. But he need not be a martyr, nor do you have to be.

This is where the total honesty comes into play. I think you need to state your needs and desires, to be with him and not feel selfish for having said it. In all actuality, you have had a whirlwind romance, twice but you do not have an in depth history. This is why, you must give him that opportunity for moving on and a come what may, attitude.You must realize that he may be torn between loving you and doing the right thing, in his mind. Being open about this is something you will be able to sleep with.

I think, he needs to realize, that he can be there for her but be with you. Playing the martyr, as I mentioned before, may be regrettable for you both. He would have stayed with her, if he was in love, I do believe and that's only obvious. But I think he can serve his obligation to his child, be with you and keep an open line of communication with her, at all times. But to run to her, simply because she is pregnant, may not be the answer. I imagine he would marry her, which would surely be a hurt piece, you probably don't want to observe. But for him to marry her and stay in a regrettable relationship, out of obligation, may be the mistake of a lifetime.

Unhappiness and feeling "stuck" in a marriage, does and will reflect on the child. Children are highly intuitive and receptive. They sense when things are not right and we often think they are oblivious, when they are actually right on top of what's going on. That in itself, it something he must consider. A marriage written, in the name of obligation, with no love, is surely a farce and the days of arranged marriages are long gone. That may, very well be, what it would be like.

I almost suggest, that you have him read this. He will see another view point and it will not be as if you had ulterior motives, a selfish agenda. I say this because, if you go to him and say the same things I just said, he may see you as a selfish woman grasping at straws, which you are not. You are a woman in love and I would be willing to bet that, if he decided to go back to her, doing "the right thing" you would be crushed but you would bow out gracefully. I am right,huh? I don't think you have a true, out and out, selfish bone in your body. I believe you do not want to hurt anybody, least of all him or his child. But you are a woman in love with a guy who is probably, your soul mate. Yes, I do believe in the premise that there is no such thing as coincidence, magic or luck, only Divine Destiny.The sooner we realize this, the sooner we see things in a different light, a different perspective. When we adopt this way or outlook on life, we see that every single thing happens for a reason. We meet people for a reason and things, sometimes bad things, happen for a reason. We see that it is a test, sometimes the ultimate test. And instead of saying, "Why me?" we say, "OK, what am I supposed to learn from this." We can then, choose to learn from the experience. You are both being tested, so what is the test for or about and what do you gain or learn from the situation? Of course, I could already point out several answers to that very question but I want you to ask it, of yourself . It's too late to turn back the hands of time and what's done is done. Now, it comes down to what you choose to do with all of this; live and learn.

You met this wonderful guy for a reason. This child was conceived for a reason and you have all these feelings and are going through this, for a reason. Search your soul, for that reason.

As I mentioned before, I think complete honesty, is called for. You tell him that you care enough to walk away but you are willing to share his life, to a certain extent and allow him to keep the doors of communication open, concerning his son, whoops, his child. You tell him, that you are willing to put your jealousy's or whatever, aside, in the best interest of his child. He can meet his child's financial interests and have a close relationship with that child. By you making it clear that he can have the best of both worlds and a semblance of happiness, you will not exude a semblance of selfishness but reality, an actuality, a way of life. You will do your part by accepting his child into your world and add this child into the integral part of your life.

See, you have to make omissions here too. It is a tall order for you to share this man, in a sense with the child's mother and to be kind and loving step-mother, to this child. If you can't do that, you sure as hell, need to back up and walk away. But I feel, you are not that kind of woman and I'd be willing to bet, that you would inexplicably, love this child, as one of your own. This child could have the best of both worlds and a good life because he is loved by you, his father and his mother and everybody is happy, not forced, into a god forsaken situation.

This was, difficult for me to write. I wrestle with old school values, too. But in looking at the whole situation, I think it is in the best interest of the child, for everyone to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The child will flourish, under those conditions.

On a personal level, I can tell you, that doing things out of obligation, can breed resentment, even in the healthiest, most stable person. I married, out of obligation, I was pregnant at 16 and it was a life altering mistake. I grew to love my husband but... I was never "in love" with him. We grew apart and we fought constantly. Don't you know, my children, my beautiful sons, suffered for my choices.

My suggestion, is for that wonderful guy, who has so captured your heart, for you, to have him, read this. He'll know, then, that you only want, what's best for everyone involved and that you are woman enough to do the right thing, if that's what he chooses. I think it would be regrettable, if he did not follow his heart.

It's actually so simple. See, the secret to life is love, laughter and family. If you value these things and seek, these things and happiness, you are a brighter spirit, your life, your love will grow. By misconstruing obligation, with what will make, love, laughter and family flourish, well, it may be a grave mistake.

Yes, he made a mistake, this guy, you love so dearly. If he was not ready for a child, he should have taken precaution, right? But we all live in the moment and sex is probably one of the biggest items in that moment. As I said, we can not turn back the hands of time, we can only learn from it. It is another piece of the puzzle, that which is your life, his life. When you take that piece and put it into the puzzle, "The Big Picture," you begin to see, rhyme and reason. You learn from it and when you do, it is no longer a mistake but a "Learning Experience." You then try to live, without regret and the reason for your life, as well as his, becomes clearer. You met for a reason. You are going through this, for a reason and you love him, for a reason.

Simplify this, as I said before, by taking the complexity out of the equation. Doing the right thing is following your heart, not jumping back into a unhappy situation. Everyone suffers for it, most of all, the child involved. Know that you must embrace his situation and his child and make it clear that, you will love this child as one of your own.

I have every confidence, that you are capable of all this and you have the knowledge, that he has some "baggage," he brings to the table. I am not referring to this child as baggage but the whole kit and kaboodle, the whole shot. This can and will work, if everyone looks at things in the aspect of what is best, for the child and not some dumb idea or what, oh my God will the Jones' say. He can give his name, to the child, on the Birth Certificate and he can represent his financial obligation. You can both continue on in a happy life and in turn, that child will not suffer for bad choices. Now, isn't that what it's all about?

What's Good for the Goose...

This was sent to Aunt B via email... Dear Aunt B, have a problem i m in love wid a guy crazily... he loves me too but recently he keeps on chattin wid other gals,which i dnt like.i am 2 scared to ask him about it but i love him...n he does too wat shud i do? it eatin me... Dear Anonymous, People are not mind readers are they? You must state your needs, your likes and dislikes but you have to find the right time, place and moment.

Guys tend to become defensive if confronted, I am aware of this. But they sure do love flattery, don't they? This is most likely why he is possibly flirtatious, with these other girls.

So, you've got to be his everything and step up your formula for success. You find a private moment, when you can feel he is in a good mood and loving. Then, you tell him that you care so much about him, enough that it makes you crazy when he talks to other girls. Now, you can't say it like you are serious and it makes you look insane like some stalker. You have to approach it in a humorous, amusing way.

You might try telling him that you think he is good looking and you know why these girls talk to him, notice what I just said; "Why these girls talk to him." See, now you are not being or acting in an accusatory manner but making it look like you understand because he is a nice looking guy and the girls are talking to him, not him talking to the girls. Follow me?

Believe it or not, guys often like it when their girlfriend is a bit jealous but not in a nasty, crazy, I'll kill you if you talk to another girl, way. You then tell him that it does make you a bit jealous (with a smile on your face) when he talks to all these girls and you want him all for yourself. I am not going to leave you with that though. I want you to realize that there will always be circumstances, whether it is at school, work or any other place, that your guy will have interchanges with other girls.

We may all get jealous when our guy talks to them but if has done nothing wrong, you have to keep your butt in check and not act crazy. You can not be possessive, especially if he has given you no good reason to be or feel that way. What I mean is that if he has always been attentive to you and is not being out and out flirtatious, you need to keep it to yourself.

He may also feel the same way, if you talk to other guys. he may see you in a conversation with another guy and watch your body language. If you are acting all sexy and flirtatious, it might just burn his butt. I say this because you always have to put yourself in the other persons place. You have to try to see things as they might.

In turn, watch him first, when you see him talking to these other girls. Does he act ashamed when you walk up on him after he has talked to them? If he does, he may be up to no good. If he is talking to these girls or he touches them, then he getting too friendly. If after you have done, what I said in the second paragraph and he doesn't get the point, there a couple of things you can do;

1. Have him read this. You just say to him, I want you to read something and maybe this will speak what you can not say.


2.If he continues, then I have always believed, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. You must not be so reclusive or reserved, huh? I mean, I'd bet that he feels safe that you are completely loyal?Now,you talk to a guy or two, when you know there's the chance that he may see you.

When he wonders what your conversation and intention is, it will make him feel how you feel. He's not a mind reader either, so he's going to wondering if you are trying to get with this guy or just having a conversation. He will feel what you are feeling. If and when he calls you on it, you go in for the pointer; Ah ha, now you know how I feel. I love you and I do not want to invest my heart into a guy that is trying to pick up another girl. My suggestion is to tell him that you care so much and to have him read this. It will get your point said for you.

That Girl

Dear Aunt B, I really like this boy and we talk all the time. But last night he told me 4 of my girlfriendz went to see spiderman 3 with him. he told me he was a flirt but I can't get over the fact 4 of my friends like him! I am in need of serious help! Thank You, Claudia
Dear Claudia,

Well, he must be quite the guy, huh? I mean four girls, that's quite the Romeo. Knowing that he is a flirt, you must be aware that some guys, to fuel their ego, need that, you know, the constant attention.

I guess what it comes down to, is if you want it to be you, that he picks, you must out shine the others. But the question may be; will he always be a flirt? You must consider this, look carefully at his personality and if you believe he can be monogamous, be with you and you only. There's nothing worse than investing your heart with some guy who just can't be faithful, right? I am not saying this is how he is. In fact, most guys would just dream of going to the movies with four girls. I am also not implying that he had ulterior motives. I am not saying he went because he was trying to get one or any of them in bed. I do not know your age, nor do I know this guy or his behavior. He may very well be trying to just be friends with these girls? I have to say though, I do know the nature of guys from my own experience and not to mention I'm the mother of three playboy sons. Two have settled down but my youngest is on a mission, so it seems, to go out with as many girls as he can before he gets serious. He is sewing his wild oats, so to speak. I am not saying I condone his behavior, especially since he is, well I call him,
"Johnny Appleseed," because he got three girls pregnant and he's just 26 years old.

So, after you make up your mind and you look at the situation with your eyes wide open but you decide to pursue him anyway, you will have to really make an impact on this guy. So, what can you do, to catch his eye?

I may just put up a poll to make my point but I am willing to bet, that I am right...guys do not like big mouth chicks. A lot of girls, in an effort to get attention, may act out, act stupid, act slutty, act worldly and generally show off. Sure the guy notices them, how could he not? If she's easy, sleeping around, she will not find happiness in a steady relationship easily. She will not garner respect and most likely will be talked about but not in a good way. If you could hear some of the things guys say about the sleazy easy's, you probably would never dream of behaving in that manner. I am not implying that you are. You may not have come to that point, you know of having sex and so on. Hold off as long as possible. Sex is sex, but making love is what you should look forward to. Sex is over rated, let me add, if it is not with some one that cares about you, your needs and is trying to please you. Sex complicates things not to mention that, the risk of pregnancy or disease is always there. You have sex, you will get pregnant and it's real simple and yes it will happen to you. It has been happening since the dawn of time and why we don't see that yes, in fact, it can and will happen to us, is beyond me. But let me tell you a little secret; I never in a million years thought it would happen to me bit it did and it changed my life. At 16 years old, I had my first son and although I love him dearly and he is my best friend, I sure wasn't ready to have a child, even if I thought I was. It is a tell tale, right there that I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was because I didn't think it would happen. How stupid, retarded and asinine, huh?

So what can you do differently, than those other girls did or do, that will make him notice you and possibly consider you as a love interest?

Most guys do not marry that girl that every guy had been with. They didn't go steady with that big mouth girl who was always dressing, showing off the junk in her trunk. Oh sure, they slept with her but you can bet they bragged about it, talked smack but never considered her for or as girlfriend material.

You must try not to be a show off. Don't give them too much, meaning don't wear sleazy stuff. There's nothing wrong with an appealing look but he will notice you if you stand up with good posture, a twinkle in your eye, like you have a secret and a knowing smile. Act more mature, keeping yourself in check and not like a giddy stupid girl, like those other girls. You have to be like the girl next door. Speak quietly to him and go out on a limb, letting him know you like him with your body language. Be sexy, not slutty, I guarantee, he'll notice. See, that's the mistake a lot of girls make, they give the guy too much in the form of how they dress, it speaks volumes. In other words; if you dress like a nurse, people will think you are a nurse. If you dress like a business woman, they will believe you are a business woman. But if you dress like a hooker, you might as well be one, you're just not getting paid and you sure won't get the respect you deserve, now will you? You must dress the part of a girl who wants a guy to notice her for her good qualities. You don't want him to try to go out with you, get what he wants and then just dump you, right? It happens every day, in every way and the guy just moves on to the next bimbo. But you are not a bimbo, You are a young woman of credibility who deserves a guy who will want to call her and spend time with her, right?

You must portray what you want out of life. If that means you only want to sleep around, then let your thong hang out, get my drift? Or you can be a bit conservative and make him think, make him wonder and wish, you could be his girlfriend. After all, that's what it's all about; finding the right guy, one that will want to make you smile, love you and respect you, right? Be that girl!

Something To Think About

Bless This Child

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

Bless This Child

Bless this child who’s beaten daily,much more than he can take
Bless this child who cries at night,his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs,no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still,a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young,too young,molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain,whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark,it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat,afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim,his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die,his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone,his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know,his story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you,a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own,make sure you show them love.

Aunt Babz

May 8th, 2007 - Posted by askauntb1 | Childhood Issues, Think On, Prison, Criminal Behavior, Addiction, Alcoholism,

You Can't Hide

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,
I am 15 years old and I had a depression I got over it but now I'm back in the depression.
I'll explain:
When I was younger I had friends and I had a lot of fun then when I became 13 I started having a depression because,actually I don't know why but it was very hard for me I felt unpopular and not needed in the society. I was recovering it a little until a month a go someone started to "boycott" me, (not inviting me, laughing behind my back, speaking bad behind my back) but then there was this one thing that really hurt me. I am a religious person and believe in God, and I believe that I don't have to do something back because at the end God will punish everyone who did something bad. But in the meanwhile I am feeling very low and I already want to go away from my country and go to university to start a new life with new, true friends but if I do so I will loose my youth. So what do I have to do that, not especially that they will become my friends but that they will stop hurting me.


Thank you for your time,
Anonymous




Dear Anonymous,

It's not easy, is it? People can be so cruel and it's hard to not become jaded and cruel back. But you seem to have learned a valuable lesson early in life, in regards to the scripture, "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." Getting back at somebody may feel good in the moment but will weigh on you later. I also believe in Karma and what goes around comes around.

The important thing is to realize that you are a special person, a wonderful person, a deep feeling person. Some of us that feel so deeply, well, we are empathic and sometimes we feel too much. We have to be aware of that and control it or else you wear the pain of the world on your shoulders. Many of us have turned to drugs, just to shut it up, so we don't feel it or hear it. That's not healthy either. When it comes down to it, if you do not look out for you, nobody else will.

Don't allow your depression to get the best of you. Seek counseling. Start with your guidance counselor and get a referral. At your age, it is quite common to have a form of depression. Teens years can be crude, rude and socially unacceptable...just like you feel, huh? I could talk and talk about this and how important it is to work through all this, to take back control. But first, I want you to read this and this. See, I don't know your gender. Why I have the feeling that you are a guy, I don't know? What's important is to take either post and apply it to your situation.

You stated that you want to leave your country, right? While I can not discourage you from going to a University in another country, I will simply point out a few things and you can make your assessment from there. You can run but you can't hide. If your mentality is or your deep seated feelings are that of no worth, it will travel with you. After all, home is where you hang your heart and moving does not change a thing but location. You have to take you with you, right?

Look in the mirror and ask yourself, if you are really the person that you want to be? You have your entire life in front of you but you want all the answers right now. Pray for wisdom and understanding. Seek to empower yourself, with realistic goals and always be truthful with yourself.

You must not give your power to others. You have done this and just as I mentioned in the post, prior to this one, the Vultures circle you, in lurk, waiting. You must realize that those people who talk behind your back and say mean things, mean nothing. Read that again, ok. People that are mean, nasty, cruel and what not, are not worthy of YOUR friendship. Let their comments and conniving conjunctions roll off your back. be an onion with a thicker skin. Ant time anyone says anything about you, it is human nature to hear it. So, you hear it, you look at it and if it's not true, you throw it away. If there is any truth to it, look at it, make amends if possible, you know, do your part to fix what you can and let the rest roll. Those that laugh and run their mouths, talk out the side of their faces are not friends anyway, are they? Be friendless, till you find or they find you. A good friendship, people that actually matter will be self-evident, the others will not be noteworthy. In other words, you must not allow people to get into the core of you. Take back the control you have given away. If they see that they are getting under that skin, they will continue to own you, they will continue to look at you, in a manner less than you deserve.

I'll tell you a little secret; You are different and they know it. There is something about you, they can't put their finger on it, what it is that is different. No, you are not like them, you realize this, don't you? I am not saying you are better than them. I am saying that you have what it takes to be successful in this life. I see you going places. I am not saying you'll be rich or worldly successful. I think you will be successful in the sense that people will seek you out, your opinion on something. What is that something?

Find that "Something." Work it, mold it, be it and take back control. Why? Because you are somebody.

A Special Scent

This was sent to Aunt B via email...


Hello Aunt B,

I feel so helpless, I used to be the most coolest guy in my class and very popular. But recently I am very hated. I don't know what I have done! No one wants to be around me! Also when I retried to be cool again I had to leave my unpopular friends and tried for the popular kids' group that went pretty well, until one day everything turned around. Now I have no friends! I feel like such an idiot. Also there was this one girl I was friends with, but I don't know what I did we had a fight and then we were never friends again. Also another girl was my friend until she got me into the most awkward position i could be in. So I called her a bitch and now she hates me! Please pretty please help me!!!! I feel like such an idiot!!! I really hate myself right now!!! plz help me!!!!
Anonymous Dude



Dear Anonymous,

Teens years, can be so cut throat, huh? One minute you're in, the next your out. It's then that you feel like the loser, a big fat zero, right?

Popularity is perspective. That's all it is; Perspective. Think about it, you could be hit with an ugly stick, the ugliest guy on the football team, not the sharpest tool in the shed, either and you're popular. How'd he do it?

Popularity is perspective. Ever seen that chick, she's not real cute, dresses pretty cool but she's popular. How'd she do it?

Begin to watch people. Really look at them and see for the first time, what it's really all about; Confidence

Either you have it or you don't.It's really has nothing to do with how much money you have or the clothes you wear. It's a matter of how you carry yourself. It's a matter of the confidence you exude. Believe me, I've seen the vultures circle someone, they go in for the kill and all of a sudden that person falls from grace. They are no longer in the popular crowd, now shunned for life. Some never recover from that sort of thing, believe it or not. Their fatal mistake was, they began to wear a big "L" on their forehead and a big fat "ZerO" on their shirt. Everyone saw it from that day forward and life marches on without them. Now, we can get mad at those nasty vultures and society is full of vultures. But what we need to look at, is the fact that, after attacking that person and pecking at them, they knew they could and that fueled them to do more damage. That person that just got the shit pecked outa them, had no confidence. They began to shrivel up and all their power was sucked right up by the vultures to go on to destroy more helpless, weak people. It gives them strength and more false confidence, as those people don't have a natural sense of themselves but a bully mentality.

Life is full of vultures. You will meet them at every job, around every corner, driving down your street, living next door to you, they are everywhere. They are nasty people who watch for you to expose your soft underbelly, so they can target you and hit you where it really hurts. It is what gives them self worth, it spurs them on, in their everyday life. Pretty rough, huh? There is hope...

Real true friends are family that are hand picked. The other ones come in and go out with the tide, they weren't true and when the shit hit the fan, they ran. A true friend, stays and puts on goggles and stands beside you.

But let me point out a few things; You will not have your friends, when you go for your first, big, real job interview. You may not have friends, when a vulture circles you, at that job, searching for that choice, tender spot, to zing you and they will look.They will always look.

I want you to draw strength from your own mishap. I want you to remember what it felt like to be outside that loop. I want you to begin to look at people, really watch them, see them with your eyes wide open. Those people, that are the popular ones, have faults and if you choose to see them, you will see them. They are there and I will stake my life on it. This is a powerful tool but I want you to use it to take back control of you. So, far, you've given it to others and allowed them to take that power with their assessments of you. They chose to see your faults, hone in on your weakness, your soft spot. But you showed it to them. Now...
TAKE BACK CONTROL

Friends are nice to have but you have to like yourself, depend on yourself first. You can't even be a good friend, not a true friend, unless you can be ok with yourself first and foremost. In addition, you really have nothing to offer in any relationship, job or anything in life, unless you are cool with you. So, Babz, how do I get cool with me? Yes, Babz, how do I stop being a big fat ugly ZerO?

The Beautiful People

I have worked in sales throughout my years and let me tell you, if you have any kind of low self-esteem issues, they will be brought forward and you will either run and hide or stand and fight. But working in sales is certainly a proving ground. It ain't for chumps and sissies, I'll say that much. You'd better grow some gonads or get out. But if you've ever looked at some top people, in sales, successful people, in any Industry or Corporation, you'll see one thing, that they have in common; Confidence.

Look at some of the top people, the successful people in any walk of life. If you are into music, look at some of those people. Yes, you'll always have the beautiful people that become successful on looks alone. But honestly, I'll betcha theirs more of us mediocre people than the beautiful people.They wouldn't be special if everybody was beautiful, right? So, what the hell are the rest of us supposed to do to be successful? Well us plain Jane and Joe's may have to jazz ourselves up a bit, you know to be noticed. Keep in mind that theirs a buttload of plain Jane/Joe's too, so how do you stand out from the rest of the vanilla bean people? You gotta add some flavor and flair. But that main ingredient is still confidence. It always starts with a big scoop of confidence.

The Nose

I was a chunky chick, who isn't genius and really didn't have much spark, I did not stand out in a crowd, that's for sure. I had some serious self-esteem issues and very little confidence. I began to pay attention to people and things, on my own. It wasn't because of some profound epiphany but actual jealousy. I wanted to be like them, I wanted to be successful.I used to go to sales conferences, every Tuesday. I can remember my boss telling us, when we felt intimidated by a client or prospective customer to envision them in their underwear. Eeeeeeeew! But the exercise was to show that they are all human, pointing out that they put their pants on the same way I did, one foot at a time. I found it rather difficult to envision people in their underwear and I'm not much of a peeping tom so I adapted. I began to look at people, even the beautiful people. None of them are perfect, none of them. But what I did notice, when talking to people, was their nose. It moved when they talked and somehow that amused me. It also made me see them as human as human gets. I can't explain why this worked for me but it did and whenever I am intimidated on a one on one situation. I find myself looking at their nose and it somehow puts things, into perspective, humanizes the situation AND THEM. You have to do whatever it takes to realize that, truly, they are no different than you and certainly no better.

So Anonymous, I'd be willing to bet that you are a mediocre kinda guy, average grades, bright but not genius. You have to work at your studies, it's not always easy. You don't have things handed to you at home, your parents are not rich but you guys are comfortable. I mean, you are not doing without, right?
No, I'm not trying to point out that out of the "have's" and "have not's" you are one of those that doesn't have and get it all. Actually, that is the secondary issue. The first issue, is you.

When you look in the mirror, you see an average guy of average intellect, of average means, with average clothes, don't you? You suffer for that, too, don't you? You feel slighted and wish things were different, don't you? Now, at this very moment in time, you feel rather unpopular.

It all starts with your own acceptance. OK, so you are not the best looking guy to roll down the pike. You don't have a fancy car and clothes. It is not your lot in life, at this moment in time. But you must begin to be ok with this and you. Don't ask me how I know things but you are a really good conversationalist, but need to be a better listener. You are a loyal friend, the kinda guy who will go the distance and put on those goggles when the shit hits the fan. You have a good heart, you are a bit mischievous but you do not try to hurt people. You despise those that use others to get what they want. You dive in when it's something of interest but stay put if you are not motivated. This could be misconstrued as laziness but you are just not interested. You like things orderly but are not motivated enough to get them that way and you need to work on that. You know you always feel better when you make your bed and get your homework done. Stop procrastinating and just do it. Every time you do something you don't like and get it done, it's an exercise in empowerment.
So, we've looked at the whole shebang. You have to be ok with you. Accept who you are and realize that it's ok to be ok. I'm ok and I'm ok with being ok, get my drift? Next, you try to improve upon what can be improved upon. Do the best you can with what you have. But don't sweat the small shit....remember that it's all small shit.

I realize this may seem complex and I may seem to rambling here. There is a method to my madness.
You must realize that life is all perception, how we perceive each other. When someone meets you and if you feel like a zero, that is the assumption they will go with. You don't have to say a single word. People can read your body language, how you hold yourself and your degree of confidence. Hold your head up, shoulders back, uncross your arms or take them out of your pockets. Take notice of the way you stand or walk and I want you to begin to realize that you are an important person. From this day forward, you will realize that you are somebody, who's one of the good guys.You do not have to have friends to complete you. Because you are ok with yourself, you just Do Not Have To Have Friends, to define you or who you are.

From this day forward, when you get up and shower, ready yourself for the day, I want you to splash on some of my Signature Men's Cologne. It is a special blend of Confidence, Empowerment, Assertiveness and Control.

It is a scent that speaks for and of itself. It is a scent that people are comfortable with. It can't be bought on the shelf like CK1 or any other designer cologne. It is a scent worn by the enlightened and the enlightened only. You are now Enlightened. But Babz, what the hell is that?
You are the kind of guy who is fair, loyal and trust worthy. Your hand shake is as binding as your word and stronger than any contract. When you walk in the room, people notice because they see a guy who shines and is in complete control of himself. He's never afraid to ask for help, if and when he needs it. He's not afraid to show his sensitive side because he knows he'll recover from it. He gives respect and commands respect in return. he realizes that, he designs his own destiny. If he is to be successful, he knows he must pursue it because it will not come looking for him.
He's OK with who he is, take it or leave it. You can smell his confidence, when he walks in the room.

ohmibod