The Little Things Mean So Much Sometimes

This was sent to Aunt B via email....

Dear Aunt B,
Hey, I'm a dude ,I was needing your advise, should I write to my ex g-friend who is serving 13 years in federal prison? I can't get her outta my head , seriuos.
Thanks



Dear Dude,
I have stated, that I will answer any and all questions and I will honor that. I hope that you will read this and possibly get back to me, maybe give me more info.

I'm not sure if you are aware that I did 3 1/2 years in Prison, myself? I did and I sure can give you an educated opinion on the whole lo down, ins and outs of what it is to be in Prison. After stating this, I'll make my point.

There are a few things that you must weigh or look at, right? I know that if it were me, I'd sure appreciate a letter or a visit. Just knowing that you've not been forgotten, with even a simple postcard can make all the difference. I got less than my share of letters, as my children mourned me and it was so painful, for them to even think about me being behind bars. I suffered for this but I had to understand. I had no visits in all those years, although my youngest son, did make an attempt. The way the system is designed now, you must have certain documents and I.D. and strict and rigid laws are in place concerning the visitation of children. My grandchild could not come in because of not having I.D. It was winter and they, of course, could not wait in the car. It was a sad day, when I knew my son had made the effort and drove so far and could not visit me. So, I know the disappointment of watching others go to visitation, day after day and you have none.
I also know what it is, to stand there, at mail call and they read off all the names but yours.

But I must make you aware of the realistic part of this scenario. It would be kind of you, to state that you care for this girl. I mean, I would love to know that, even after all that, someone cares. In that approach, I would say, yes, write her and tell her how you feel. Go visit her, if you are able and allowed. I don't know your history but if you have convictions, yourself, you may not be able to visit.
If you do go visit, pay attention. Not everybody is able to have that peek into the institutional side of incarceration. For those of us, who are basically good people but made some serious mistakes, the toll is huge. If it was because of an addiction, you pay double, as you must reinvent yourself and adapt. Most addicts were running from emotions, feelings, bad memories. You throw that kind of a person, into a prison setting and it can triple the pain. It is survival of the fittest and you'll come out of there one of two ways; bitter or blessed.

The Warning


You must realize that 13 years is a God awful long time. She will never be that same woman you knew. If she is meek and mild, she will no longer be that sweet young woman, you knew. She may be an improved version but you'll have to realize that there will be baggage, feelings and an institutional mentality. It makes it hard to cope and live life on life's terms. But the real question is this; Do you want to invest in her hardship by giving her the promise of your heart, only to move on because you are still in the real world? I mean, that's the facts jack. Most men do not stick by their women, the statistics speak volumes. Men usually can not wait and move on. Women have a better percent total for sticking by their men incarcerated, that's a textbook given.

Will you do more harm than good?

I think if you really care, you must follow your heart but have your eyes wide open and be aware of the draw backs and do not mislead her. If you plan on being there for her, in any capacity, honesty is the best policy. I'm sure she will be grateful for the fact that you even care and you do think about her. I don't know how much time she has left or if she was just sent but I can only imagine, even a simple card saying that you were thinking about her and you care would be so appreciated. Even sending $10 in a money order would be a nice gesture. Ten dollars in there can stand between you having shampoo or not. I've had to wash my hair with soap, prison soap, until I could get assigned to a job. Then, I waited a month to get my commissary and you can't imagine how much I appreciated my job at .18 an hour and that shampoo. The Ramen noodles saved me from having to gag down a meal of liver that was overcooked and stunk to high heaven. It's the simple things that mattered. Remember that.

Write her but do not mislead her, ever, ok?

Woman to Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, my name is Jessica and I am 22 years old. I really don't know where to start... ok, back in 2004 I joined the US navy and that is where I met my current husband (he was stationed in Virginia and I was stationed in Florida). When we got married we really didn't know a whole lot about each other, just that we were "in love", we got married in July of 2005. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant..... come to find out when I was 8 months pregnant my husband came out and told me that he had cheated on me, he apologized, begged for forgiveness, said it would never happen again etc.... after having a serious conversation about our marriage I decided I would forgive him and try to move past the mistake he made. So far our whole marriage we have not lived together due to the military. December of 2006 I got out of the Navy and instead of moving to Virginia with my husband I moved back to my hometown due to our financial situation and moved in with my mother, I thought it would help us save money for awhile and it would be easier to pay off bills. (which we did) Currently I am still with my mother, but my husband and I are talking about moving me and the baby to Virginia this July after my sisters wedding. And this is a big problem for my mother, she tells me she believes that he is still cheating on me, and that he has never stopped, she is afraid that I am going to move there and find out for myself that he is cheating and then not have enough money to move back home, and that she can't afford to move me back if I have to. Umm, this is really a big fight between my mother and I, a constant battle. To me it would only make sense, that if my husband did not want to be married to me that it would be 10 times easier for him to tell me over the phone that he wants a divorce then to tell me to my face... on the other hand my mother thinks that he is avoiding divorce because he doesn't want to have to pay child support. All I hear from my mother is negative comments over and over and over.... and really its just driving me insane. My gut feeling tells me that he is not cheating on me and that I trust him. I'll admit that every once and while I think about it... the "what if" questions tend to pop into my mind sometimes. But if he was with another woman and didn't want to be with me, why would he want to plan to move me to Virginia?? That just wouldn't make sense to me. So my question is, what do I do?!?!?! The only thing that would please my mother is if I divorce him, she thinks he is no good. But I don't want to live life to please my mother..... I have to think about myself. Right? Just any advice about this whole situation would be great..... Thank you for your time.



Dear Jessica,

While I feel it is important for a woman to respect her Mother, note that I used the word "woman." I truly feel for your situation and my gut instincts tell me, if he was truly about cheating, he wouldn't want you to move to Virginia. That would be stupid on his part, now wouldn't it? In addition, you will always hear me, rather, see me write that we must pay attention to our gut instincts. Yours, has told you that he is faithful. He obviously loves you or he'd make excuses why you should stay with Mom. That would be the easy way out, right? While we can't know what tomorrow brings, your place is with your husband. If you stay with Mom and never dip your toe in, to test the water, you'll never know or have the chance at a happy marriage. If nothing else, you must consider, that your child may need his/her father. I do believe that children need both parents, unless it makes complete and utter warfare. That scenario, is never good for the child. But where there is love, there is a happy child.

I imagine, in this case, you had to tell Mom, why you were moving home. Let this be a lesson for you, as well as the countless couples out there, that you never tell Mama. I wrote about it here. As you see, this is a textbook case, of you forgiving your husband but Mom can't. He hurt her baby and she wants nothing more to do with him. This puts a strain on you and your mothers relationship. Live and learn, as I did!
I think that your rightful place is with your husband. If you two are to make a go of it, moving to Virginia is the answer. But how do we get Mom, to see this?

Perspective

You may have to dig and think of an incident, where your Mother was hurt by someone and she forgave them. Why do I have the feeling that your Father is not in the picture? If he is, in the picture, surely, there is something he did, through the years, to hurt your mother. They say that Love is Never Having to Say You're Sorry (Love Story 1970's) I don't know about you but there are countless times where I was hurt and I hurt someone else. It may not have been on a grand scale but find something that was done, to make your point. Then, you show Mom, how when this person apologized to her, for the harm they had done, she accepted it. But what if you had not? What if you had held a grudge and made things difficult?
You must point out, how it would feel, if you refused to let go of what was done to her, which of course, would makes things rather difficult.

I think Mom is only trying to look out for your welfare and suffice it to say, she means no harm. Just like most Mom's, she doesn't want her child to hurt or to be hurt and wants to protect you. But you are a woman, no longer a little girl and you may have to point this out. She may have to realize that she needs to respect your wishes and put her feelings aside for the betterment of your marriage.

A man shall leave his mother, a woman shall leave her home. When you marry a man, he becomes your family. Unless he is actually hurting you, your place is in that home. You must point out to Mom, that your rightful place is with your husband and you must try for the sake of your child, as well. Maybe ask Mom, what it is, the real reason, why she has such disdain for your husband. If it was because he fooled around, she must understand that it is your decision to forgive him and out of respect, she should try to put her feelings aside and try to understand that you love your husband dearly and you want it to work.

You sit Mom down, have some coffee and tell her that you want to speak to her woman to woman, not mother and daughter. This will set the stage for a capsuled scenario of understanding and outlook. You also state that you do not want to argue or upset her, you simply want to talk. You would appreciate an audience with her that is not filled with angry thoughts or words, just woman to woman.
You then tell her that, you want, you need, her blessings and understanding. It is eating you up, the fact that you want to be with your husband and she can't stand the idea. You tell her, you would hope she could find it in her heart to forgive him, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. You say that you must give this a chance but you must have her blessings. You can't stand the thought that this would upset her, as you respect her, love her and never want to hurt her. You can point out that if we never forgave people, the world would stop and in your little world, it is falling apart. While you understand and respect her feelings, you would ask that she respect and try to understand yours and the love that you have for your husband. It is then, that you point out, that you are going into this, with your eyes wide open. You will not be stupid, you will be on your toes, concerning, if he has impropriety on his mind. You will also stash some money, a "Just in Case" fund. You ask Mom, to please try and understand, try to see how being away from your husband and her animosity towards him, is more than you can bear. Can she find it in her heart, possibly, to forgive?

Put on Aunt B's Bitch Belt

You will then make your husband, more than aware of the fact that, this has torn you and your family apart. You will not stand for any monkey business and if he's not serious, he needs to say so and go on with his life, minus yours. You tell him that a true man is about honesty and if you do not make him happy, he must say so. Say something before you go out there, with fooling around on your mind. Point out to him, that you are done crucifying him for what he has done, you choose to forgive him. It is only because you do have undying love for him, that you are able to forgive him. It does not mean that he got away with it and you will never be gullible again. Then, you ask him, how would he feel, if you had done that to him? Would he forgive you? Would he trust you and would his own mother, forgive you? Perspective. You must let him know that if he hurts you again, you will not be as nice and you will do your damnedest to make his life a living hell. Let his imagination ponder that and never tell him what you are talking about, just let him know that it is not an idle threat but an extremely calculated and well thought plan. Keep him on his toes, make him think!

Further reading Click Here


Ms.Babs,
First I want to say thank you so much for your reply! It was VERY helpful in making my decision. And you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. And you were also right about how my father is NOT in the picture, my parents were divorced when I was 5 because my mom CAUGHT HIM CHEATING on her. And I feel that this is another reason why my mom holds such a big grudge against my husband, because it was done to her too. I have already discussed with my husband if he is to do it again to me, how I will not be as nice this time as I was the last. He said that he knows that and that he isn't trying to "get rid of me". So we'll see how things go. As for sitting down and talking to my mom "woman-to-woman", I really don't know if I should do that, I am afraid that it will not go well and its going to turn into another one of her "Shes right and I'm wrong" arguments. I really don't know how to approach that part of the "process". But I will keep in touch and let you know how everything goes! Thank you for taking the time to write me back!

Very Respectfully,
Jessica



My Dearest Jessica,
In the event of being completely wrong and looking like a total ass, I omitted my real feelings about Mom. But I was right and I knew she'd been burned. She just doesn't want you to go through what she went through. She may very well be right but I think putting the fear of God into a man and stating the facts does work. It worked for me. I let him know that at any point in the game, if I did not trip his trigger any longer, he was free to go and the hell with how he thought I might feel about it. I also pointed out just how ugly it would get and I could not be held accountable for my actions, were he to fool around on me again. I do not believe he ever did. I stayed on my toes and I kept him on his. I did not give him free reign to behave as if he was or act like he was single. I pointed out that what was good for the goose, is twice as tasty for the gander and if he wanted to go out with his buddies, his single buddies, then he wouldn't mind if I did? Then, he could sit at home with the kids and wonder just what the hell I was up to? I thoroughly enjoyed that feeling as I did follow through with putting him in my shoes. His approach changed. A guys mentality can, when he's out with his single buddies, be as if he were single and he wants to act like his friends, right? He places himself in the "Strike Zone." That's where chicks hit on him and he becomes vulnerable, especially after he's been drinking. An innocent dance turns into going home with the girl. Then, it was regretful behavior. Knowing the nature of the hunter, we must never be stupid, gullible or willing to allow our men to place themselves in the strike zone. You just have to make him think. Most of all, if a man thinks he can get away with it, there's a damn good chance, he'll try it. It's the same with crime. If you want to deter it, their has to be real civil penalty. There will be serious repercussions for his behavior. The best part is to keep them guessing, wondering. Their own imagination will do the trick, you just plant the magic seed.

I feel, eventually, you are going to have to deal with Mom. Even though this may be so uncomfortable to have to approach, you will have to do it or stand the heat of the bad feelings you create. ( 9 times out of 10, I tell people to write their feelings down, in the form of a letter.)
Tell Mom, that you realize she's only trying to protect you from what she went through. You know she means no harm. But you must give your marriage a try, for the sake of your child and for the sake of happiness. You let her know that you have your sense and sensibilities in check and you are aware of things and their potential. But you love him and you have forgiven him. Forgiven but not forgotten and you ask her if she could find it in her heart to give you her blessings, so you may have this chance at happiness? It's time for her to let her baby bird fly again.
ohmibod

Healing From The Unexplained

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, this is your granddaughter Jessica. I just want to know, what you think about that Virginia Tech Shooting? Me personally, I was in tears. It was not fair to those who are in college, trying to make something of themselves. Then a low-life foreigner (Please don't take this the wrong way, everyone) who as here just for college and that's it, to take their lives. This just goes to show, that there is no way to be safe in the U.S.A. We might as well give up. This country is shot. To add to that, the people here (Mostly the Government, in my eyes) are greedy. In the dictionary, the definition for greed, should be the U.S. Government.





Dear Jessica,
I feel your pain on this as you and I both know, it hit close to home. I don't understand why people do what they do? If anybody has seen, true crime and behavior, you know it is me. I've met and lived with, some of the most brutal people. I've had conversations, with women, who callously killed their very own children. I don't understand them or their behavior. There is no answer short of mental illness. I'd also attach a hidden agenda of that nasty entity, who walks the depths of hell. After you've sat with, dined with and lived with these people, you get a whole new outlook. Prisons are filled with people who are mentally ill. It's extremely hard to get an Insanity Plea to work anymore and a huge percentage of these people, who should be in a mental institution, are placed in prison. I met more than my share and they themselves, can not explain their own crimes. While it is completely unfathomable to grasp any semblance of understanding as to why people behave as they do, we must learn from this, to expect the unexpected. For the civilized population, it is things such as this and the deaths at Virginia Tech, that we must learn from. There were warning signs, as there often are. Teachers had made note, even mental note. One particular teacher, even went to higher ups, concerning the fact that this guy was menacing her other students with his behavior and his abrasive poetry, projecting violence. She was basically met with the old standard; if he's done nothing, we can do nothing. I suppose the lesson to be learned is if you see something, say something and heed the warnings.
Healing from this, is of course the hardest part. When you can't understand, the reasoning for something, it makes it harder. But we must live and learn, become wiser or the killer wins.
We can not choose to look at the racial overtones, looking for fault, is natural though. It is in our nature to blame the particular race for the whole situation instead of looking at the individual. Cho had and is a permanent resident since 1992. He is from Korea but let me point out to you this; other than this killing spree, the one, which he may have modeled his behavior from, the Columbine Massacre, 8 years ago and those boys were American. Mental Illness comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and obviously; Race.
We must learn to take people seriously, as to what they might reveal in the inner workings of their mind. I learned this very valuable lesson, myself, even recently. I never believed my Boyfriend, Chris would kill himself. He had said he was going to before and I thought it was a blow-hard tactic. But he was serious, wasn't he? He followed through and sadly, I must learn a very hard lesson. I wrote about that here.

We must not allow the killer to profit, even in his death.
Next month, the students, who were killed, will be awarded their Degrees. How touching and befitting, this compilation of sorrow.

There are several compelling links, concerning Cho's demeanor and behavior. Read here, here, here.
Boing Boing has posted part of Cho's rather disturbing play, here. You can read the full text of the play, here.
To learn more about Cho Seung-Hui, Click Here

Big Blow Off or Cautious Calculation???

(This post has several, additional comments from the Author. Please scroll down)
This was sent to Aunt B via email
Dear Aunt B
Hi my name is Jelisa and I'm having a problem understanding this guy I know. He and I reconnected after many years, we used to go to school together. About a month ago, he told me he liked me and wanted to know if we could pursue dating but I'm not really sure about him as a person so I told him we couldn't date, not now, anyway and he said he was alright with that. The thing is, he only contacts me once in a while,like a few times a month or every other month and to me this does not seem like a guy who likes a woman,so I'm wondering did he lie about liking me and if he did why would a guy lie about something silly like that?I'm really confused any help on this would be very appreciated.

Dear Jelisa,

Love that name! I'm not sure if I completely understand your question and you as well as anybody else, is always welcome to email me and clarify things, if I did not seem to understand.
My first instinct is that he may feel that you've given him the, "Big Blow Off." You kinda did, if he asked you out and you questioned him. But let me point out that, if your instincts/intuition/spirit, told you no, you should always listen. I wonder what your reason was, as you are not clear but I think a guy that gets the nerve up, to ask a girl out and then gets blown out of the water, may be a little apprehensive? See, some guys don't have that killer instinct to go after chicks. No, they have to muster up all that's within them and this may be the case. He may seem like he's got his act together but deep inside, he may not feel so good, since you told him no. Why did you tell him no? And then, how can you expect him to pursue you you, after you've told him no?
I see that he respected your wish and went about his way. He's not a mind reader, either. Obviously, since the initial blow off, you have continued to blow him off, when he does call? If you hadn't, you'd not be writing me, right?
I guess the real question is, why do you feel as you do? Only you know, whatever it is, that is making you feel uncomfortable, in the first place. Listen to it, always listen to that "small still voice."
Months have gone by, according to your letter. He has, according to you, contacted you but you continue to toy with him. I have to ask myself, why you do this. See, only you can answer that. But not knowing what your real reason is, for pushing him away, I don't understand it, myself.
Are you playing hard to get? If you are, I think you've managed your objective and I would consider his requests to date you before he shops somewhere else. I give him credit for calling you afterwards and maybe you can't see that he must care or he wouldn't bother. I have three sons, so I think I have an idea, as to how guys operate, not to mention, plain ol' common sense. For most guys, I'd say, they would ask you out and if you blew them off, they'd try someone else. Common sense further dictates that he must like you or he'd not bother to even call back. Don't you see this? If he didn't care, why would he continually set himself up for failure? I mean really, it just doesn't make sense for him to continue to call you, only to be shot down, now does it?
If my own son, Mr. Johnny Appleseed, as I fondly call my youngest, told me the same story; that he kept calling this girl and she kept blowing him off, I'd suggest he move on. If my own daughter told me what you have, I'd say, stop playing hard to get and give the poor guy a chance. What do you have to lose? He has been caring enough to continue to call, which is more than most guys might do.
It's your turn; call him. Go on a date with him and give him a chance. Feel it out and try to enjoy yourself. You'll never know, if you don't try. You gotta play to win.



After reading this post, the author wrote this additional comment/question;

Hi Aunt B,
Its me, Jelisa again. I wanted to say thanks for your response it did help me understand things a bit more but now I want to help you understand my situation a lil' more because you asked me a few questions.
First off, I want to say I am definitely not playing hard to get nor am I toying with him I wouldn't do that to any guy, thats just not me. I don't feel like I blew him off even though he may feel I did and others may feel I did.
I've never led him on either in fact I mentioned to him that we were friends and he agreed to that. Honestly I have major trust issues with men just in general, so any guy I know or meet I am gonna be skeptical about,that's partly why I told him we couldn't date now, I mean being that we reconnected after so many years it's like we would have to get to know each other all over again. He has told me, that he has women friends and associates,which is another reason I don't trust him and I even told him, he should ask one of them out because he is always saying that he wants a g/f and a serious relationship but all he says is he doesn't look at them like that(i don't know why) I do understand what you meant when you said that he wouldn't call me at all if he didn't like me somewhat but I still feel skeptical on that because maybe he calls when he's bored or something. I think that if a man really likes a woman he would make a huge effort to contact her even if it's, just to see how her day was,also friends call each other regularly, if they care, in fact all my other friends call me almost everyday.I am still confused by his actions and I also want to know, why cant he just tell me he wants nothing to do with me instead of disappearing for long periods of time? He agreed to be friends but yet he's not being one. I hope this helps you better understand my situation and any further advice or wisdom you can offer me, I'd appreciate it!
Thanks

Dear Dear Jilisa,
If you noticed, I even changed the title to this. I think you may have had the impression that I was accusingly, saying that you were being unfeeling. That is not at all what I am trying to portray. My questions are posed to you for your analysis and I think you should re-read what I have said. So, you've made it clear that you are not toying with him and you are not playing hard to get. I never said you were but simple posed that question, in an attempt to understand your motives.
From what I can gather, it comes down to trust issues, doesn't it? You will not proceed forward with a guy you feel you can not trust. Is it just this guy or all guys?
I've had those trust issues before and I thought all guys were dogs. You can never be stupid with your man but you can't clump them all together. They call that "Sexist."
It's somewhat normal for a single guy to have friends that are female. If he's in a relationship, he should then curtail his private time with those girls. I mean, you may have to make him see how you feel by pointing out that if you had a bunch of guy friends, he just might not like it, if you kept up a real friendly relationship with those guys. I'd be willing to bet my bippy, that he'd want it to stop completely.
You'll have to make him aware of how this makes you feel. Is he insisting on continuing his close friendships and that's the jest or crux of the situation? If he is insisting, that you are out of your mind for having any kind of concern, then you need to put the shoe on the other foot and make him see that most women do not like this. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it either.
If you feel he's a dog, maybe he's a dog and you should go on without him in your life. If after you've explained your concern and he blows you off, then you need to see that he really doesn't respect you enough to see that it bothers you badly enough to change it. You have no right to demand that he end his friendships but you do have the right to not put up with it, if is causing you grief.
I have to wonder though, if you weren't burned in another relationship and you are projecting your fears onto this guy. If this is not true and it is only because of this particular guys behaviors and that inner feeling, that is telling you not to trust him, well my dear, I think you should listen to it.
If it is solely because you were hurt in a past relationship, it is not fair to him, look at that. Look at it very carefully. If this is true, you need to learn to trust again, lest you never know good love again. If it is really, only about him, I suggest that you tell him how you feel, spin the scenario, so he may understand how it feels, if you had a lot of guy friends and insisted on maintaining a running relationship. How would he feel, wondering where and what you are doing. If he then does not understand, well girlfriend, he's just not the one.

Always, always, always, listen to that "Small, Still, Voice."
~~~~~~~

This is an additional question, from the author of this letter....

Hi Aunt B,
It's Jelisa, thanks again for your advice but you may have gotten the wrong impression again. See I don't want to date him so he can continue having friends and whatever else he does. He's always asking me about other guys or whether or not I have them in my life, I guess he thinks theres someone around just because I told him we couldn't date, so it's a bit weird because he and I aren't even a couple but he does seem a bit jealous of guys who don't even exist. What is really bothering me is he agreed to be friends but I haven't heard from him in almost a month. I asked you why do you think he won't just tell me he doesn't want to remain friends but you didn't answer this in your last post so hopefully you can now. I also wanted to let you know I have not been burned by anyone so that's definitely not the reason I am the way I am. Once again all of this is the reason why I feel he lied to me about liking me, I don't understand why a guy would lie about that, I mean what was he hoping to gain or get outta saying it? I'm lost. I want him to be honest and just tell me the truth, so we can end the situation and at least have closure. Any thoughts or answers you may have for me please let me know.


My Dearest Jelisa,
This is a rather complex situation, huh? I'm glad to hear that you were not burned and that is why you have trust issues. That can mess with every subsequent relationship. Once you've been burned, it's hard not to remember that pain and the sting of betrayal.
Obviously, this guy likes you and has made several attempts, at getting a relationship going with you. Why else would he be jealous?
I'm sorry Jelisa, but where I come from, it's called blowing someone off. You want to be a good friend but can't understand, why he can't seem to do this. You contradict yourself with not wanting him to have lady friends but you want to remain this way, yourself. You want it all on your terms, call the shots. It sounds to me like it may be painful for him to call you. He must have feelings but you keep telling him that you only want to be friends. I don't think he just wants to be your friend. One side of you wants his attention and can't understand why he doesn't call you, in fact, I think it may hurt you. He does not want to be your friend and I think for him, it feels like a blow-off, every time he calls. He's less apt to call because of this. But you can't use your other friends as a benchmark, for appropriate behavior because he's not like your other friends.
I have friends of my own, close friends and we're not constantly on the phone or emailing. Occasionally, we hear from each other, a pleasantry, within our busy lives.

He may not be capable of being, just your friend and it's hard for him, to pretend that's all it is.He would have gone away, but he cares and every now and then, he gives it another shot, hoping you might have changed your mind. He makes the, obligatory attempt or appearance, at being that friend, you say you will only be, with him and once again you blow him off. I don't think you like the term, "Blow-Off," it seems harsh but I think that's exactly how he sees it. Take a look at that. In addition, take a look at why, you have such a problem with the fact that he doesn't call, like you want him to?
Having friends, on your terms, doesn't always work. Real friendship is not gauged by how often a person calls you. It is gauged by, if they are there, for you, when you need them, as a real friend. It is not gauged by trivial phone calls with even more trivial conversation.
Friendship comes in different ways. It is given freely, not forced. It is given from the heart and not some manual for proper friendship etiquette. You can not take away his feelings for you and make him keep them on a friendly level. It is not your playing field, designated as you say or how you want it. If he feels more, for you than you are willing to see, then that is on you, to either accept or deflect. I think he's incapable of just being your friend...you just can't see this.
This is a comment back, in addition to the original response...

Hi Aunt B,
I wanted to say that a lot of the things you told me made a lot of sense, in fact I came to the conclusion myself a while back that he cant be just my friend and wont! i gotta ask you a couple things though, since it is obvious that he cant be my friend why doesn't he just tell me this so we can put a complete end to the situation? Also do you think i should call him(though I don't want to) and tell him to just come out and tell me he doesn't want to be friends so we can end it? cuz honestly I need closure on this situation. Please answer both these questions for me cuz I need to know!
Dear Jelisa,
I am getting the impression that you like to take care of matters and do not like unfinished business on the table? If this is true, I would call him and end it finally. I happen to think he likes you but you push him away. For the life of me, I can't understand why you can't see this. No, he doesn't come begging but he trys every few weeks, he's going to give it another chance, hoping you'll soften up. He can't really just be your friend, so call him and tell him, you don't want to hurt him but you are not interested and you wish him the best.
I think that is the only fair thing to do, if you are not stringing him along, to let him down easy but firmly state that you can't be friends and hope he has a good life.
Make sure it's what you want Jelisa? He sounds like he cares enough to keep calling. But if you can't be just friends, tell him so and get it over with. That way he can go on about his business and you've played the game fairly.
ohmibod

Guilt Trip 101

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I have a problem with my sister. Recently, I found out from my mother that she (my sister) was saying that I was lazy and that she is never paying for my airline ticket again to visit. Now, I was on a visit at this last Christmas with my sister in which she paid for my airline ticket. It was a family reunion.

She seems to think that I should have been more helpful in lending a hand in cleaning up etc. As I recall, I did do some dishes and sweep as it was only a 1 week visit. I don't know why she would say this to my mother but I think it has to be something else. My other sister was also visiting at the same time.

A little background, she and I were never close growing up and she was more closer to my other sister and they were pals and still are.

She never showed me a kind face when I visited her and when I did speak to her about anything she seemed to not be interested in what I had to say or pay any attention to my even speaking. She seemed to smile and pay attention to everyone else speaking to her except for me. She seemed very snobby to me.

To me, she seems to be a workaholic as she never seems to sit still and is always doing something.

She recently told my mother that I was lazy and she is never paying for my airline ticket again(which she has been doing for many years without me asking her to do so).

The problem is she has really hurt my feelings and I feel betrayed by her saying that I am lazy. I don't think I am a lazy person and I have a handicapped child that I have had to take care of and I have been through my own personal hell in raising him but I love him regardless.

I feel like I have been stabbed in the back by her and I am so upset with her that I feel like calling her and telling her off but because my mother asked me not to say anything I am not sure what I should do. My mother babysits for her and cleans her homes you see so I would put my mother in a bad position if I said anything to my sister. I am just so upset and hurt by this and the cold behavior she had shown to me at Christmas time.

I have a feeling she is just jealous of when my other sister and I are together and share jokes and enjoy each other's company. That is what I feel is behind her nasty remark made to my mother behind my back, just jealousy.

There seems to be a competition from her to have my sister's attention etc.

Should I just swallow this feeling and try to get over it or should I say something to my other sister about my feelings (the one that I get along with) and have her pass on this information to the snobby sister which I am sure she would do since they are very pals.

Would it not be in my best interest to say anything at all to anyone and just not ever visit her anymore. I will miss seeing my 2 nieces that I love ...because of this problem.

I feel she apparently hates me maybe because of the attention my other sister gives me.

I don't know what to do about this but every day that passes I get more pissed off and hurt.

Please help me in finding a resolution to my hurt feelings about this matter.

Thank you kindly.

Janet.


Dear Janet,

First, let me validate your feelings by telling you that I would be upset too. I think her comment was designed to be kept secret but designed to make you look bad and her good. It was an attempt to make her look like the Golden Child, the Hard Worker, the best of the best. But we see through it, now don't we?

I imagine if I'd flown somewhere, even at a family members house, I would view it, as somewhat of a vacation and I was not brought there to work? Helping out is one thing. Drying the dishes or something to that effect, is one thing but is it possible she thought you were supposed to run the vacuum, then, shampoo the carpets?

I don't know, the whole story here but I take care of my Autistic nephew and it is beyond taxing. I love him dearly but he is six years old and I am 48. You can bet your bum that I fall out at night after chasing after him, wrestling and cleaning up after him. So, if I were invited somewhere, I'd be searching for a break and I would think it would be with family. You would think they'd see this but truly, your one sister has aspired to miss the true meaning of life. Let me explain...

Some people, measure themselves by how hard they work. Some measure themselves by how hard they work at getting out of work. Neither are healthy. My own Mother was, note the word, "WAS," one of those work till your fingers bleed, kinda gals. She instilled in me, a similar unhealthy outlook and I have worked myself sick. While it is good to have a good work ethic, keep a tidy home and not be a pig, it is soooooo unhealthy to think this is the benchmark of who you are. I think that is what your Sister would like to be. She goes around, "Hey everybody, look at me, I work harder than anybody else." Excuse me, I have to go throw up. Be right back...lol!

It is actually sad, this whole state of affairs. But I've seen it countless times, hell, I grew up in a similar situation. Old school dictates, that it's a complete embarrassment, a faux paus, for everything, not be neat and tidy, dishes done, everything put away, laundry done and folded. The yard must be mowed to perfection, shrubs and hedges clipped, house painted, car washed. Take little Matilda to piano lessons, take Johnny to soccer practice, Chelsea has to go to Ballet. The and the dog needs walked and we must make sure the garbage is put out on the curb at exactly sun down and not before and pick up any debris that has flown into your yard, my God, what would the Jones' say about all this? We have to do this and get a better car because what would the Jones' tell the Smiths? The truth of the matter is... those families don't talk, their kids are mixed up and pretty soon, Mr. Jones is going to have a heart attack because he works himself into the ground. But when they do his Eulogy, they'll be sure to mention that he worked hard all his life and had the tidiest yard in the neighborhood. They won't mention that Mrs. Jones was having an affair because she craved the love her husband used to give her, when they first met, before his priorities, were not to work all the time. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture? I have the feeling that your sister was looking for fault and that is what she pulled out of her rear axle. I don't think it's the true issue here, your lack of helping, with the cleaning during a visit. So, what is the true nature of her beef?

As I said, my own Mom was like that. She was constant and always working, never stopping to smell the roses, much less make time for family. I don't know if it was my letter to her that changed that. I'd like to think it was but I pointed out that I had figured out the secrets to life;
Love, Laughter and Family. If we allow all the other things to stand in the way of what is important, we are not living right. Have dinner with family and let the dishes sit, they can wait. Take that precious time, to find out how your family is and enjoy their company. If my kids came to visit me or my family, I'd only do the dishes that I needed to do. Thank goodness for the dishwasher. I'd have cleaned before they came and only do what was absolutely necessary. I sure as hell wouldn't expect them, to do or start cleaning. I would treat them like company, like royalty because I value them just like royalty. I'm not wasting valuable time on doing housework. I don't care if I've got to step over shit, to get to them, that's what I will do to spend that time with them and them alone. I am not encouraging filth, I am encouraging priorities.


Life is Too Short


"Life is too short for the dumb shit." I know this is crude but it is my saying. I think you understand this concept, however, your sister does not. So how can we help her understand? We also don't want to betray Mom's confidence. I find it hard to swallow, first off, a woman who throws her opinion out there, like she is all that but has her own mother clean her home and watch her children. That speaks to me, big time. It tells me that she is hypocritical and she certainly has a self-esteem issue. She wants to make you look bad, so she looks better. By buying your ticket all this time, she looks like the Queen of Turd Island and you will pay homage to the Queen. I am not trying to piss you off but to give you back your power. You may not be in the position to pay for these tickets, so you may visit? If you can afford it, stop allowing her to pay for it. It makes her feel superior and I don't think she's been doing it out of the kindness of her heart. If you can take that away from her, do it.

As I said, life is too short and your sister does not realize this. We need to give her a big fat dose of perspective. I realize that you are angry and would love nothing more, than to tear into her, in fact, I'd be willing to bet, you are grinding your teeth on this one. I would be. But we want things to work, not make it worse and we want to win. So, let me introduce you to my class;
Guilt Trip 101


I am a huge fan of letter writing. If you've read any of my other posts, almost every answer has something to do with writing a letter. There's a reason for this. When someone reads a letter, you have captured their attention, uninterrupted by rebuttal. Your feelings are laid out, well planned and choreographed, carefully worded. When you confront someone in person, especially in a scenario, such as this, the stakes are kind of high. If they don't have complete composure, they tend to put up a wall and they really don't hear you. They may take a defensive stance and never hear a word you say. In turn, you may not say what needs to be said or speak from the heart because your own anger may cloud the real issues. Finally, confrontation out of anger, is rarely a fix all. It usually makes things worse. You'll be hard pressed to put a sister in place who has all the components of an egotist with a flip side of low self-esteem. Go figure?
We want to make an impact, make her think, make a change, huh? There's really only one way to do this...guilt trip. I know, it's down and dirty, it's underhanded, it's just what we have to do.

The Letter


You start the letter by pointing out, that you love your Sister, immensely. You tell her that, for whatever reason, you are aware that your relationship is strained and you do not understand why? You tell her that life is too short and if something were to happen to her tomorrow, it would be regrettable if you, knowing what you know, didn't try to make it better. You tell her that if there was something in your past, that you did to her, that hurt her, you want to apologize. You say, that you would appreciate it, if you both, for the sake of family, could wipe the slates clean, (notice I said, "SLATES" in plural). You tell her, that it does not sit well with you, for a sister that you love, dearly, to dislike you so much and it actually hurts. You say that you do not know what is is that makes her feel as she does about you but you can feel the distance and it hurts. You tell her that, you feel that she probably loves you but, you can tell that she does not "like you." You'd like to change that because you only get one family and they'll never be another sister like her. God forbid, if she were to leave this earth tomorrow, you'd want her to know that she was loved. You point out that you two are different, with different lives and interests but once again, life is too short to miss the opportunity to tell someone that you care, that you want your relationship to be good and you want to enjoy each other's company, when you visit. You then mention, the fact that you could feel something wasn't right and it hasn't been right for TOO LONG. You then say, that you do not want to go any longer with things as they are. Finally, you ask her, "What can we do to fix this, to heal the situation?"

If you have hurt her, you may not be aware of it. But I have the feeling that she's just been pious. Still, all of this will make her think, really what is her problem with you. You have not handed her the whole plate, only that if you hurt her and this is why she has behaved as she has, then let's fix it. You have now deferred and projected onto her, that for the sake of the family, she should try to fix this. Life is far too short for games and wasted time. Family is for love and laughter and without it, life truly sucks. I hope you can work this out.




This comment was sent to Aunt B. It is from the author of the original question. I have answered her comment. Please read...

Dear Aunt B.

Thank you for your advice on the problem with my sister and her calling me Lazy.

I knew there had to be more to that Lazy comment directed towards me..... and your information on how past hurts that I have done to her is right on the money.

I was a young teen and I used to call her fat and chubby and make fun of her all the time and later I used to secretly tell my other sister (the one I got along with) that she was so cold like a bitch...at least I think it was a secret....maybe not so secret after all.......I think I did that mostly because I didn't like the snobby way she used to treat me even then as a kid. I guess in a way I was trying to make her like me like she liked my other sister.

I know that calling anyone a name is wrong and hurtful and it comes back to bite you one day. Kids do and say cruel things to each other and I am guilty of hurting her in the past with the fat jokes. I can't believe how cruel as a child I could be to her and dare I say it, Mean to her. On another note, my other sister made fun of her fat too.

But I guess she is getting me back now...especially since she is rich now and i am not....she is slim and I am the chubby one now.

She has everyone in my family under her control with her money and the free trips and cruises she can offer them....and for a while me also. I looked at the free tickets as her love for me and her caring about me...but little did I know...it was just to show me how rich and powerful she is and all the houses she has and Rolexes and diamonds.....and cars....literally rub my nose in it.

You have opened up my eyes as to the possible real reason by her attitude and treatment towards me.

And yes I will try to write her the guilt trip letter but I am not sure what I will say without letting the cat out of the bag that our mother mentioned the Lazy comment to me....I am still pissed off with her though.

I will try to do my best in depleting my anger ....and instead.....expressing my love for her and tell her how sorry I am for hurting her in the past and let's clear Slates as you say for family's sake. I think I am finding it hard to think I could write a letter to her and express my feelings to someone who is so cold and to me could care less. I fear her rejection and belittlement of me if I were to tell her sorry for past hurts that i have caused her. I feel this would empower her more over me...to treat me bad...or to make her look even better than me.

It also seems to me that by appearing as she does to be cold that she is protecting herself from being ruled by emotions which could make her appear weak and break down her "I am perfect and in control of everything and everyone facade."

I do feel sorry for her that she lives with an abusive husband who controls her every move by the way...i don't think i mentioned that part...he is a rich well to do Doctor...not all doctors are Gods, this one is a total asshole...and i am not the only one that thinks so...believe me.

But she loves the power that all the money can buy and do...especially when it comes to her family. She loves to flash her diamonds and her expensive Rolex watches to family...and her many homes.

I guess that makes up for the abuse she takes from her husband and yes he is also critical of her weight if she gains even more than 5 lbs. He is a pig.....but that is another story.

I hope I don't seem like I am still the kid calling names....I have had my share of abuse from her husband too. Our entire family has in fact...with money as the weapon to hold over us and keep you us down in the dungeon as they stomp on you and throw you a bone every now and then to let you know much they really do care for you.

My mother told me it is just an act she does to disguise her unhappiness.

I will let you know Aunt B if I do get up the guts to write that letter and what I said and the outcome if any.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I really do appreciate it. You are very smart and all knowing, my hats off to you :-).

We have both grown from this, can you see that? I am always learning from what I read and how people perceive things, how they take their bumps and lumps and the interchangeable way people choose to look at things. I think you have a good attitude and one which is reasonable. I don’t think you are wrong in the least bit for feeling the way you do, about all of this. I think most would agree with you and it is perceptive that you see through your sister’s facade.

I agree with you, I don’t think she’s trying to buy your love but maybe buying your respect. Of course, she’s going about it, in all the wrong ways. Money doesn’t buy everything, huh? Although, it can be a temporary fix and I’d rather cry in a Lexus than a Volkswagen, with an Ann Taylor suit, Rolex and Prada handbag, it sure don’t get ya no happiness. Nope, happiness resides in the heart, not in what we own. But for us real folks, she knows that she can hit the hardest, by trying to make us look up to her and her money. What’s the best way to do that? By holding it over our heads and being the answer to our problems, financially. You have to pity that mentality and I’m not sure if I’d want to trade places with her. Having said that, I want you to realize that I would rather be you, the one who has empathy, knows laughter, is genuine and knows the difference. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you are trying to better yourself. Be proud of the fact, that you can look in the mirror and see the truth. But let me take you one more step…

I don’t know how Spiritual, you are but I do believe that there is a Higher Power and we will one day answer for our lives, our behavior. How we play the game is important, how we treat others, is even more important. But all in all, we must be true to ourselves, right?

Anger kills. It can keep a good man down and make a strong woman crumble. Staying angry about something, a situation like this, well, you are the one suffering more than anyone else. I’d like to see you get past your anger and your own pain. I also realize that you have dealt with this pain, most of your life, huh? Get your power back. Right now, I hate to say but you’ve handed it, your power, to your sister and she’s playing with it like a stress ball; squeezing it, squashing it, throwing it against the wall. Don’t think that I am telling you anything other than, what I’ve had to realize on my own, what I have had to come to grips with. You are no less or weaker than me, we just hadn’t seen the whole shebang. It’s time for you to take it back.

Write that letter and use some of the phrases or the way I have worded a few things. They are chock full of reason. Your apology, the way I worded it, is empowering, yet you are not bearing the “all” of it. Re-read what I asked you to say, in the letter. It is actually, a carefully orchestrated piece. Try to use it to your advantage. By writing her this letter, you have tried to do your part, to make this better. Not only that, you have now, dumped, it in her lap, the deferred responsibility, of trying to make this work.

When it comes down to it, what I want for you is to get back your power. My feeling is that, your sister may be stuck in her stuck-up world. You may make her aware of your intent, your feelings and your desire for things to be or get better. But the reality of this is that, it may be no more than a quick fix. I hope it is groundbreaking. In the event that it is not, I would still love for you to see yourself, in a whole new light.

You get more bees with honey, than vinegar, right? You smile, hold your head up and know that you are a better person for trying to make this better. See, the objective here, is that you will be able to live your life, with one less handicap. This handicap is just as real as your child’s; you just can’t see it as easily.

I have Intuition, we’ll say. I can see that you are such a good and caring person. You are not a pushover and you have the ability to see things, others do not see. You have empathy and compassion. You do not go out of your way to hurt others or to step on their toes. You mind your own business and you are a loyal friend but private. You are so disgusted by your sister’s jealous behavior, not to mention her snooty persuasion. You are better than this. You are a much better person and as you can see, she is not better off because she has money. She’s a bitter person. Do not emulate her. Do not wish you had what she has. The truth of the matter is this; you are the richest of the sisters. You have what she does not; Heart. Some people will never know the secrets to life but you do. Do not let her take you down, not one more day. Take that burr out of your saddle by writing the letter. Then, throw on your cowgirl hat and ride high in that saddle.

ohmibod

Dream Wreckers

This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,

My friend has a boyfriend and she is not on the pill or anything so when they have sex, they use a condom always. Well she decided she wanted to get pregnant with him so what she did was, right after they had sex and he wrapped up the condom with the semen in it, she went and took it out of the garbage while he was in the bathroom and put the semen inside her. Then the next day they had sex same thing she took the condom and took a tampon and stuck it in the condom to cover it with semen and then inserted it inside her. I have never heard of anyone doing this, I know semen dies quickly but this she said was still wet and still clearly alive because it was within 10 minutes that she put it in herself. I was just speechless and had no advice no anything to say to her because from what I heard from her, I don't see how she wouldn't be able to get pregnant....please any advice would be great because I'm trying to help her but I'm not doing a very good job...I know you cant tell me for sure or not but I would just like some advice to tell her please let me know your thoughts. I have tried writing to sites similar to this many times and they either didn't respond or haven't helped at all. Thanks...



Dear Friend,

This is such a sad story and it really conjures up a lot of emotion. I truly give you credit for seeking counsel on this matter. This is a very serious situation, with even more possible consequences. I hope we can find something or someway to bring about a change or perspective on this.

I realize this is a very sticky situation. From your letter, I see that this is a friend, someone you must be close with or they probably would not have divulged this secret. I can also imagine that you are a bit reserved as to how to handle this. On one hand, you don't want to hurt your friend, her feelings or overstep your boundaries. This is surely a friendship test, if I ever saw one.

OK, let's nip this in the bud from the start; Yes, your friend can get pregnant.

I do not know it all, so I researched this, (even if I think I do). But it is part common sense and I believed she could but I wanted to be certain and have medical fact to back up my hypothesis. Here are a few links, just in case you may question my judgment, on this. Basically, it's called Artificial Insemination. Those two words, should speak volumes. Done in this manner, they are cold, unfeeling and planned. I call it unscrupulous and it is not natural. Deception and cold-hearted, also come to mind. She is taking a natural act of his love and distorting it. Remember the word...Karma.


Definition Artificial Insemination

IVI At Home

Artificial Insemination, when done in conjunction with your Doctor and when it is planned, by a loving couple, can be a beautiful thing.
Just from my own research, I would say, while it is harder for her to become pregnant this way, it is a real possibility. But I really want to address this, actually common situation and conspiracy. I do hope that you will read the rest of this post and I hope you will copy this or show this to your friend. This is one of the biggest things or best you could do for your friend; a dose of reality and honesty... My own son son, my youngest, had his life completely changed by an act, similar to this one. They were both 17 and in love. A***** was ready to run away and my son approached me about her moving in with us. Her Mom would allow it and almost encouraged it as they had not been getting along for quite some time. I knew they had been sexually active. I had let him know, I did not condone his sexual conduct and spoke with him about the possibilities. I made the concession that if she went on birth control and he knew she was taking it, I would agree, to her moving in. They both agreed, she went to the Clinic and began her Birth Control pills. I considered this the lesser of two evils. As the months wore on, my son was not exactly the best or most attentive boyfriend as he still wanted to go out with his buddies and she wanted him home. I always liked A***** and she was a very attractive, beautiful girl. I imagine, my son was too young to be in such a serious relationship and I can't say he was wrong but I can't say he was right, either. I found out, later, that A***** had cooked up an idea, one she thought would bring them closer. She decided for whatever reason, to stop taking the birth control. She wanted to become pregnant. When they had first got together, when she moved in, my son watched her take the pill and would remind her to take it, per my wishes. He became lax about it and she knew this. She just stopped taking it and she became pregnant. Had she not confessed her inner emotions to a friend, I would have believed her when she said that she had been taking the pill religiously. She would have been lying of course but I would have just figured that it was another statistic, another story of someone getting pregnant on the pill. It does happen and it would have been believable. She gave birth to my first Granddaughter, Kassandra. This was a tumultuous time in my life and not an easy time for my son, as well. But Kassandra was so beautiful. We soon found out she had *Cystic Fibrosis and my Grandbaby was so sick. I don't know the schematics of why their relationship fell apart but it did. She became very mean and nasty and eventually forbid my son, as well as myself, to have anything more to do with her or the baby.She was using the baby against us. Now, let me make it clear that I was not the ideal Grandma, at that time. Kassandra was born, just a short time after I became clean from Heroin, nine years ago.A***** only knows me as a heroin addict and I can't blame her for her animosity towards me. Even if I have changed, I can't make her see this, especially since we have no idea where she is. I heard she is in Arizona, which makes it extremely hard to find her, much less build a relationship. Because Kassandra has special needs, she had huge Medical bills. My son is responsible for those bills. He has had his wages garnished every since 1998. Yes, he is responsible for this child and has never tried to get out of paying that money.But there was a point where he was living off of $300 a month, after they took out a huge chunk of child support from his paycheck. I love my Granddaughter and she is at the top of my prayers, every single night. It is painful to know that I have a 9 year old granddaughter out there, who has my eyes but is so sick her life span is marked at 28 years old. Life is not fair, I know this but some of our choices make it worse. My son was not ready to be a father and she made that decision for him. Then again, every time you have sex, you are flirting with the possibility and it becomes a situation I like to call, "You wanna play, you might just pay." I'd also known, personally, the story of the man who went to Prison for life, when he shot the woman that did a similar thing. He thought she was on birth control but she purposely became pregnant. They'd fought the whole pregnancy, arguing about anything and everything. He wanted her to have an abortion and she refused. I do not agree with abortion, either, but I do not like entrapment and what she had done was wrong. After their child was born, they had continued to fight every day. The very last argument they had, she was telling him she was leaving. She gave the confession that she had become pregnant on purpose but she was going to "take him to the cleaners. I'll own your paycheck!," she shouted. He shot her dead, right there, right then. An end to a tragic story. Actually, that was not the end of that horrible story. The child had to be placed in foster care as neither had family, that could take care of the newborn. That child was bounced from foster home to foster home and is now, still a ward of the state. The truest victim is that child who has suffered for the selfishness of it's mother and father both.That child had no choice but both parents did. Yes, your friend can do this and get pregnant. But it is girls/women like this that scare the hell out of me. To knowingly, on purpose, deceptively get pregnant without the consent of your sexual partner, should be a crime. It is morally wrong and nothing good can come of it. Does she take into account that he obviously does not want to have a child? I know guys; they hate wearing condoms and say it's like having sex with your socks on and they can't feel it. I know, that they do not wear condoms, unless, it is for a valid reason. They only wear them, if they feel they have to. Has your friend thought this through? Not to mention, the fact, that it may be the single one thing that drives them apart. Has she thought, if he leaves, is she going to go after him for child support? Will he freely pay it or will they end up garnishing his wages? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to the child? I have to say, in this day and age, throwing your child in daycare, is the biggest hurt piece there is. To trust a stranger to show love, caring and nurturing to your child is a less than easy thing to do. Has she considered that diapers don't grow on trees and she will have to work to pay for that and more? That baby, she so desperately wants, will have to be taken care of by a stranger, unless she is fortunate enough to have family to help her.There are just so many things that can go wrong, so many variables to think about and I think a lot of people do not think it through before they choose to have children. If you are not ready to have children and I am talking about this possibility for the man and woman, that child can be resented. Whether you mean to or not, in the back of your mind, you look at the child as missed opportunity and a change in your life, you were not ready to go through. You then show resentment, maybe a lack of patience and true animosity. Motherhood and Parenthood should be a wonderful planned time and approach to life. Our divorce rate is sky-high and I'd be willing to bet, that the number one argument couples who broke up had, was a concern of or lack thereof, of money. It takes a huge chunk of change to pay for a child from birth to college. It takes gumption to put food on the table and do without all those frills to raise a child. It takes sacrifice that some are not willing to give. People work because they want things; cash, nice cars, clothes, a nice home, jewelry and just stuff. When they can't have it, they often become frustrated and begin to look at what is keeping them from having it. They just might see that it's the kids that are keeping them from their dreams. They then begin the concept of looking at their own children as the "Dream Wreckers." Believe it or not, that is a natural or possibly human response. It may not be right but a valid emotion. The question is then; what do they do with that "emotional epiphany?" Some, will be able to work through those emotions. Some will not. Some will take it out on the children in the form of physical or verbal abuse. Some will withdraw and not give emotion. Some will deduce and do without, see that it is their lot in life but remain emotionally detached. There are just so many bad variables that can happen, especially when you are young and not ready to have children. In the infinite end, it is the children who pay, for the lack of moral and sensible judgment of their parents. It is the children who may pay for the insensitivity of a Mom who chose without the consent of her partner to have children. It's not only morally wrong, it's a down right outrage and a dumbass thing to do. Having children, should be a joyous occasion. Their giggles and the laughter can not be matched with anything that could possibly bring you happiness. But the whole baby making thing is taken too lightly. We have children, only to throw them into daycare and as soon as possible, we make them into "Latch Key Kids," coming home to an empty home, entertained by T.V. and Internet, Video Games and completely unsupervised. Then, we can't understand why they get into trouble and we question their choice of friends? Why do we do this? We want it all, the Great American Dream. But that dream has become distorted with our selfish habits and our want for all things BIG. Our children suffer for this and I see it every day. Having children is a huge undertaking and you need both parents or perspective parents, on the same page, working in conjunction with the idea to bring your children up with good values and beliefs. How can we teach them, these traditions and the basic values, if we are at work all the time? We work so hard to have the big house, big car, big appliances, big jewelry, big, big, big!

Your friend is playing with someone else's destiny and I don't think very many people would disagree with me that it is wrong. She needs to re-think this and the possible bad things that could come from it. When you do dirt, you get dirt. When you are deceptive, you will be deceived. My own best friend, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, will be sure to visit her. I hope you share this with her and I hope she sees, the potential life changing damage it could cause. Be her friend by sharing this with her. Be strong and show her this post and then stand in front of the mirror, knowing you have done a good thing. Sleep well! You used to be able to live on love...not anymore. ~~~~

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email from the author of this letter;

Thank you so much for your response, it really helps me out a lot, and I

will definitely show her what you had to say. Thanks again.

w******

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*Definition of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) is a chronic, progressive and genetic (inherited) disease of the body's exocrine (mucus producing) glands which affects approximately 30,000 children and adults in the United States. Description of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) primarily affects the respiratory, digestive and reproductive systems, as well as the sweat glands. The mucus secreted is very thick and blocks passageways in the lungs and digestive tracts. Cystic fibrosis is transmitted to a child when both parents carry the recessive gene but do not have the disease. When such a couple has children, there is a 25 percent chance that one of their children will develop cystic fibrosis; there is a 50 percent chance that the child will carry the gene, but will not have the disease; and a 25 percent chance that the child will be totally unaffected. Cystic fibrosis is the most common fatal hereditary disorder for Caucasians in the U.S. About 1 in 2500 Caucasians are affected, and more than 10 million people (one in 31 Americans; one in 28 Caucasians) is an unknowing, symptomless carrier of the defective gene. The average lifespan of a person affected with CF is between 28 and 30 years of age. As with any "average" this means that some with this disease now live well beyond this age. With the introduction of medications and drainage procedures, children with CF, who years ago would have died before reaching adulthood, are now often living into mid-adulthood and beyond. The cause of death in CF patients is usually respiratory tract infections or respiratory distress, coupled with enlargement of the right side of the heart (cor pulmonale).