Monday, April 16, 2007

Big Blow Off or Cautious Calculation???

(This post has several, additional comments from the Author. Please scroll down)

This was sent to Aunt B via email
Dear Aunt B
Hi my name is Jelisa and I'm having a problem understanding this guy I know. He and I reconnected after many years, we used to go to school together. About a month ago, he told me he liked me and wanted to know if we could pursue dating but I'm not really sure about him as a person so I told him we couldn't date, not now, anyway and he said he was alright with that. The thing is, he only contacts me once in a while,like a few times a month or every other month and to me this does not seem like a guy who likes a woman,so I'm wondering did he lie about liking me and if he did why would a guy lie about something silly like that?I'm really confused any help on this would be very appreciated.

Dear Jelisa,

Love that name! I'm not sure if I completely understand your question and you as well as anybody else, is always welcome to email me and clarify things, if I did not seem to understand.
My first instinct is that he may feel that you've given him the, "Big Blow Off." You kinda did, if he asked you out and you questioned him. But let me point out that, if your instincts/intuition/spirit, told you no, you should always listen. I wonder what your reason was, as you are not clear but I think a guy that gets the nerve up, to ask a girl out and then gets blown out of the water, may be a little apprehensive? See, some guys don't have that killer instinct to go after chicks. No, they have to muster up all that's within them and this may be the case. He may seem like he's got his act together but deep inside, he may not feel so good, since you told him no. Why did you tell him no? And then, how can you expect him to pursue you you, after you've told him no?
I see that he respected your wish and went about his way. He's not a mind reader, either. Obviously, since the initial blow off, you have continued to blow him off, when he does call? If you hadn't, you'd not be writing me, right?
I guess the real question is, why do you feel as you do? Only you know, whatever it is, that is making you feel uncomfortable, in the first place. Listen to it, always listen to that "small still voice."
Months have gone by, according to your letter. He has, according to you, contacted you but you continue to toy with him. I have to ask myself, why you do this. See, only you can answer that. But not knowing what your real reason is, for pushing him away, I don't understand it, myself.
Are you playing hard to get? If you are, I think you've managed your objective and I would consider his requests to date you before he shops somewhere else. I give him credit for calling you afterwards and maybe you can't see that he must care or he wouldn't bother. I have three sons, so I think I have an idea, as to how guys operate, not to mention, plain ol' common sense. For most guys, I'd say, they would ask you out and if you blew them off, they'd try someone else. Common sense further dictates that he must like you or he'd not bother to even call back. Don't you see this? If he didn't care, why would he continually set himself up for failure? I mean really, it just doesn't make sense for him to continue to call you, only to be shot down, now does it?
If my own son, Mr. Johnny Appleseed, as I fondly call my youngest, told me the same story; that he kept calling this girl and she kept blowing him off, I'd suggest he move on. If my own daughter told me what you have, I'd say, stop playing hard to get and give the poor guy a chance. What do you have to lose? He has been caring enough to continue to call, which is more than most guys might do.
It's your turn; call him. Go on a date with him and give him a chance. Feel it out and try to enjoy yourself. You'll never know, if you don't try. You gotta play to win.

After reading this post, the author wrote this additional comment/question;

Hi Aunt B,
Its me, Jelisa again. I wanted to say thanks for your response it did help me understand things a bit more but now I want to help you understand my situation a lil' more because you asked me a few questions.
First off, I want to say I am definitely not playing hard to get nor am I toying with him I wouldn't do that to any guy, thats just not me. I don't feel like I blew him off even though he may feel I did and others may feel I did.
I've never led him on either in fact I mentioned to him that we were friends and he agreed to that. Honestly I have major trust issues with men just in general, so any guy I know or meet I am gonna be skeptical about,that's partly why I told him we couldn't date now, I mean being that we reconnected after so many years it's like we would have to get to know each other all over again. He has told me, that he has women friends and associates,which is another reason I don't trust him and I even told him, he should ask one of them out because he is always saying that he wants a g/f and a serious relationship but all he says is he doesn't look at them like that(i don't know why) I do understand what you meant when you said that he wouldn't call me at all if he didn't like me somewhat but I still feel skeptical on that because maybe he calls when he's bored or something. I think that if a man really likes a woman he would make a huge effort to contact her even if it's, just to see how her day was,also friends call each other regularly, if they care, in fact all my other friends call me almost everyday.I am still confused by his actions and I also want to know, why cant he just tell me he wants nothing to do with me instead of disappearing for long periods of time? He agreed to be friends but yet he's not being one. I hope this helps you better understand my situation and any further advice or wisdom you can offer me, I'd appreciate it!

Dear Dear Jilisa,
If you noticed, I even changed the title to this. I think you may have had the impression that I was accusingly, saying that you were being unfeeling. That is not at all what I am trying to portray. My questions are posed to you for your analysis and I think you should re-read what I have said. So, you've made it clear that you are not toying with him and you are not playing hard to get. I never said you were but simple posed that question, in an attempt to understand your motives.
From what I can gather, it comes down to trust issues, doesn't it? You will not proceed forward with a guy you feel you can not trust. Is it just this guy or all guys?
I've had those trust issues before and I thought all guys were dogs. You can never be stupid with your man but you can't clump them all together. They call that "Sexist."
It's somewhat normal for a single guy to have friends that are female. If he's in a relationship, he should then curtail his private time with those girls. I mean, you may have to make him see how you feel by pointing out that if you had a bunch of guy friends, he just might not like it, if you kept up a real friendly relationship with those guys. I'd be willing to bet my bippy, that he'd want it to stop completely.
You'll have to make him aware of how this makes you feel. Is he insisting on continuing his close friendships and that's the jest or crux of the situation? If he is insisting, that you are out of your mind for having any kind of concern, then you need to put the shoe on the other foot and make him see that most women do not like this. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it either.
If you feel he's a dog, maybe he's a dog and you should go on without him in your life. If after you've explained your concern and he blows you off, then you need to see that he really doesn't respect you enough to see that it bothers you badly enough to change it. You have no right to demand that he end his friendships but you do have the right to not put up with it, if is causing you grief.
I have to wonder though, if you weren't burned in another relationship and you are projecting your fears onto this guy. If this is not true and it is only because of this particular guys behaviors and that inner feeling, that is telling you not to trust him, well my dear, I think you should listen to it.
If it is solely because you were hurt in a past relationship, it is not fair to him, look at that. Look at it very carefully. If this is true, you need to learn to trust again, lest you never know good love again. If it is really, only about him, I suggest that you tell him how you feel, spin the scenario, so he may understand how it feels, if you had a lot of guy friends and insisted on maintaining a running relationship. How would he feel, wondering where and what you are doing. If he then does not understand, well girlfriend, he's just not the one.

Always, always, always, listen to that "Small, Still, Voice."

This is an additional question, from the author of this letter....

Hi Aunt B,
It's Jelisa, thanks again for your advice but you may have gotten the wrong impression again. See I don't want to date him so he can continue having friends and whatever else he does. He's always asking me about other guys or whether or not I have them in my life, I guess he thinks theres someone around just because I told him we couldn't date, so it's a bit weird because he and I aren't even a couple but he does seem a bit jealous of guys who don't even exist. What is really bothering me is he agreed to be friends but I haven't heard from him in almost a month. I asked you why do you think he won't just tell me he doesn't want to remain friends but you didn't answer this in your last post so hopefully you can now. I also wanted to let you know I have not been burned by anyone so that's definitely not the reason I am the way I am. Once again all of this is the reason why I feel he lied to me about liking me, I don't understand why a guy would lie about that, I mean what was he hoping to gain or get outta saying it? I'm lost. I want him to be honest and just tell me the truth, so we can end the situation and at least have closure. Any thoughts or answers you may have for me please let me know.

My Dearest Jelisa,
This is a rather complex situation, huh? I'm glad to hear that you were not burned and that is why you have trust issues. That can mess with every subsequent relationship. Once you've been burned, it's hard not to remember that pain and the sting of betrayal.
Obviously, this guy likes you and has made several attempts, at getting a relationship going with you. Why else would he be jealous?
I'm sorry Jelisa, but where I come from, it's called blowing someone off. You want to be a good friend but can't understand, why he can't seem to do this. You contradict yourself with not wanting him to have lady friends but you want to remain this way, yourself. You want it all on your terms, call the shots. It sounds to me like it may be painful for him to call you. He must have feelings but you keep telling him that you only want to be friends. I don't think he just wants to be your friend. One side of you wants his attention and can't understand why he doesn't call you, in fact, I think it may hurt you. He does not want to be your friend and I think for him, it feels like a blow-off, every time he calls. He's less apt to call because of this. But you can't use your other friends as a benchmark, for appropriate behavior because he's not like your other friends.
I have friends of my own, close friends and we're not constantly on the phone or emailing. Occasionally, we hear from each other, a pleasantry, within our busy lives.

He may not be capable of being, just your friend and it's hard for him, to pretend that's all it is.He would have gone away, but he cares and every now and then, he gives it another shot, hoping you might have changed your mind. He makes the, obligatory attempt or appearance, at being that friend, you say you will only be, with him and once again you blow him off. I don't think you like the term, "Blow-Off," it seems harsh but I think that's exactly how he sees it. Take a look at that. In addition, take a look at why, you have such a problem with the fact that he doesn't call, like you want him to?
Having friends, on your terms, doesn't always work. Real friendship is not gauged by how often a person calls you. It is gauged by, if they are there, for you, when you need them, as a real friend. It is not gauged by trivial phone calls with even more trivial conversation.
Friendship comes in different ways. It is given freely, not forced. It is given from the heart and not some manual for proper friendship etiquette. You can not take away his feelings for you and make him keep them on a friendly level. It is not your playing field, designated as you say or how you want it. If he feels more, for you than you are willing to see, then that is on you, to either accept or deflect. I think he's incapable of just being your just can't see this.
This is a comment back, in addition to the original response...

Hi Aunt B,
I wanted to say that a lot of the things you told me made a lot of sense, in fact I came to the conclusion myself a while back that he cant be just my friend and wont! i gotta ask you a couple things though, since it is obvious that he cant be my friend why doesn't he just tell me this so we can put a complete end to the situation? Also do you think i should call him(though I don't want to) and tell him to just come out and tell me he doesn't want to be friends so we can end it? cuz honestly I need closure on this situation. Please answer both these questions for me cuz I need to know!
Dear Jelisa,
I am getting the impression that you like to take care of matters and do not like unfinished business on the table? If this is true, I would call him and end it finally. I happen to think he likes you but you push him away. For the life of me, I can't understand why you can't see this. No, he doesn't come begging but he trys every few weeks, he's going to give it another chance, hoping you'll soften up. He can't really just be your friend, so call him and tell him, you don't want to hurt him but you are not interested and you wish him the best.
I think that is the only fair thing to do, if you are not stringing him along, to let him down easy but firmly state that you can't be friends and hope he has a good life.
Make sure it's what you want Jelisa? He sounds like he cares enough to keep calling. But if you can't be just friends, tell him so and get it over with. That way he can go on about his business and you've played the game fairly.

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