Prayers Please???

My Friends,

Well, if you're the praying sort, as I am, I could/should/would/will appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. My newest Grandbaby will be born tomorrow morn via C-Section.

Yes, the son that I currently live with, my middle son Bill and his wife will be welcoming "Jaxon Aiden" bright and early tomorrow. Now, I have all the faith in the world that all will be well but it never ever hurts for extra prayer and in fact I am a firm believer in the power of prayer.

Hahaha...and pray that I will get through it all. This Grandma gig is growing by the daily!!!

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Re-Post; Riding That Vicious Cycle

Editor's Note; From time to time, for any given reason, a past post may be brought to my attention. Therefore, when I might re-read one, one of this magnitude, I feel the need to share it again. I wish I could speak to this fella again, this man who took the time to write me with such caring and thoughtful deliberation. I can not, thus, I can only hope and pray he might be well.

This is sound advice for many men who, I believe, struggle with the same situations; Mid-Life Crunch...

Dear Aunt B,

Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter; looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

My Dearest Reader,

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this) [*At bottom of page]

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits.

Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding.

Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks.

If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors.

They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for,

*Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired

it encourages us not to become too;

HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.

ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.

LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.

TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.

Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them.

In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better.

Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you.

It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is.

Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected.

It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you.


Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?

Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.


2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.


3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.


4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.


5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better.

As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin.

I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense?

Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it.


Now, just do it!


Keeping It Real,



Aunt B


* Test Click Here

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

You See???

Dear Aunt B,

So I went to my cousin's wedding today and I saw this really cute guy. I kept looking at him and so did my friend. We were talking and I called him hot then me and my friend hurried away. He followed us around and stuff in the halls and we didn't mind. He was like tickling us and it was fun and I think I really like him. So my friend got caught and had to sit upstairs with her parents and me and this boy kissed a few times until i had to go upstairs. He has my number and we've been texting but I don't think he like likes me....I really don't know. I'm confused because I really like him...

Help??

Sincerely,

ShyandSecluded

Dear ShyandSecluded,

Lol... okay, I am laughing a little at the shy & secluded bit, because this situation sounds pretty bold!!

At any rate, the situation you have now is probably a good one. For all intent and purpose, this texting relationship is the slow-get-t-know ride that will help you decide if you actually do like this guy, or were merely attracted to his looks.

As for him, who knows if he likes you, maybe that is why he is texting you. I’d pretty much say he does to the point of being interested in you, because guys generally don’t text/write/call if they are just not that into you.

Keep up the texting, and see where it leads :)



Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra




Dearest ShyandSecluded,

Well, suffice it to say, I am not a mind reader but it's not Rocket Science to see that he followed you, kissed you and more importantly took your number and texts you.

My advice to you is pretty simple and something, words you might always use;
Lay out the situation in your mind, lay out the journey you want to take and envision it, the how to's the what have's and how you might arrive at your intended destination. In simpler terms; If it is your goal to further this relationship with this or any other fella, you must simply think of a way to make it happen. Be so bold and say what needs to be said to get what you want.

The important part of this is even simpler...envision any and all possible responses to any question you might need an answer to. In other words, if you are going to ask him out, let's say, you think about all possible answers he might give you. He might very well be shy and evasive, right? Well, then you might make it easier for him by breaking the ice and inviting him to something, i.e., the movies, skating, even out for ice cream. Simpler yet, how about meeting at the park or even somewhere more neutral, as in where there are lots of people, possibly the Mall and no room for uncomfortable situations.

The essence of my advice is for you to think of all possible answers to any question you might pose to him. This gives you the benefit of bracing yourself for any let down you might come across therefore bolstering yourself and possibly taking away any of the sting in the mix.

For real though, if you set yourself up for a fall, meaning if you ask him, in a bold fashion any question but you've already looked at all the possibilities, any and all answers he might give and learn not to take them personal, then you'll have the program down pat. The point being that, take note, if he tells you NO to any question or invite, you must not take it personal because it just wasn't meant to be. You See???


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Solitude & Fortitude

Dear Aunt B,

I recently married. I took my husbands last name. I know I have to let the social security office know. But, who else do I have to let know?



Dear Recently Married:

I assume you are living in the States, so I will go with that. But this is a pretty standard list for anywhere. Hope this helps!

• Social Security Administration
  
• Driver's License
  
• Automobile registration and insurance
  
• Work related information
  
• Insurance policies
  
• Bank accounts
  
• Investment accounts
  
• Utility bills
  
• Post Office
  
• Credit cards
  
• Passport
  
• Medical records
  
• Wills, legal documents
  
• Organization and church memberships
  
• Voter registration
  
• Landlord or mortgage company

Best wishes on your nuptials :)

~Xmichra

Wishing You Well & Congratulations,

"Never, ever fight in the Bedroom. It must always be your place of Solitude & Fortitude."

Aunt B

Weighing The Odds

Dear Aunt B,


I've just recently graduated high school. I'm dating a great guy who(unfortunately) has had a few run-ins with the law that will stay with him for the rest of his life(these happened many years ago for him, and he's 20). He and I are polar opposites(different favorite genres of music, different movie favorites, everything) and yet somehow we usually work well together. Our relationship has been off and on for the past two years(my parents don't approve of us being together), and last year I started talking to him again after a prior breakup, but my parents found out and I had to cut off communications with him.

A few months after not talking to him, a friend asked me out and I said yes. My now-boyfriend found out during the summer about this friend and I dating(he saw us walking together and at that point he still assumed we were dating cause I hadn't been able to tell him otherwise), and it really hurt him. About 8 months ago I broke up with my friend(he turned into a jerk) and a month or so later(after I had cooled down) I started talking to my boyfriend again, apologizing and explaining what happened. He accepted my apology and took me back. We've been currently dating for about 7-8 months. I've also recently got a Facebook(never really wanted one before, but friends wanted me to, so I decided to try it) and through it I connected with people I haven't seen in a long time. I found a guy on there that has been my friend for about 6 years now, so I started talking to him again.

Just a sidenote, because my parents don't approve of me dating my boyfriend, I have to hide it from them and can usually only talk to him through IM and only occasionally see him until I move to college.

Anyways, so my friend(who's 23. Yeah, I know, what's up with the older guys, right?) and I caught up through Facebook. He was dating a girl at that time, and I tried to help him through problems they were having, but they ended up breaking up. About a month or so later of us talking, he told me that he feels something for me(he knows I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend doesn't know about him). And the truth is, awhile after he told me that, I feel something for him too. And it really hurts to admit it, because I think I love my boyfriend as well. Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit. My friend is very sweet to me and will do nearly anything to make me feel better and to make me smile. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but he tries his best to make me smile too. But my boyfriend and I recently got in to a fight. I'm a bit phobic of drinking because of a past boyfriend of mine, and I told this to my current boyfriend. This mixed with a couple more conversations and he told me that he feels like I was trying to change him. I wasn't at all, I was just saying that I don't like him drinking is all. At the end of the fight(I hate misunderstandings), I told him that I didn't want to change him, but hiding things that scare me from him stresses me out alot. He said more or less that if something like that happened again, he couldn't continue the relationship, and that was the end of our arguement. I told my friend about it, and he was very sympathetic. Our conversation that day led to him admitting that he thought he was falling in love with me, but I didn't know what to say back.

I feel something for both guys. Physically, I could care less what they look like. Emotionally, my friend understands me more. In nearly every way my friend is better for me than my boyfriend. But when I think about leaving my boyfriend again, I want to cry. I don't know how to handle it, but I need to know who I should date. This is my last summer before I go off to college, and I want it to not be so stressful.

Can you please help me? No one else has been able to yet.

Guy Troubles




Dear Guy Troubles:

Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind, and you need some validation. If it were me personally, I would want to date a person who was respectful and who understands things that I have gone through and is willing to listen to me, rather than throw ultimatums at me from a simple discussion. Is this sinking in as to what I would do?? I hope so.

Sometimes when we have invested so much time into a relationship, it is difficult to end it simply based on all the work you’ve had to do to maintain it. You may thing you love this guy, and you might. But are you *in* love, that is the real question. I am sitting here reading what you wrote, and I am going to guess, no. Not because of anything bad that has occurred, but from this sentence:
“Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit.”

I know it may seem like you just can’t break it off with your boyfriend... but I am telling you that you may fall into something with your facebook friend that could wind up hurting your current boyfriend. Simple conversation can quickly turn into an affair when your feelings are so confused.

I think it’s time you really look at the situation and how you really feel for your boyfriend, and stop weighing the odds against the Facebook friend. Think about the two of you, how things are working out, how he treats you, how you feel with him and about him. This will help you to clarify what you need to do.

Hope you get some peace of mind.

~Xmichra.

Vacation

Aunt B will be gone for two weeks. I will be away from all technology, therefore, any and all letters will be on hold.

Have a great summer!!

"What's The Rush Here?"

Dear Aunt B,

Hello Readers,

I been dating this girl for 3 months. She tells me she is in love with me and that she loves me. We have great sex. I just found a letter to her friend Josh saying that any girl would be lucky enough to have him. Then she said that she was sorry she missed his call on Sunday and she felt like crying because she didn't get to talk to him and she misses him. Josh just left to the army for training. She also told him about me having a feeling that I knew how much she love him and that I was jealous. Which yes I am jealous because she is my girlfriend and she is in love with two different people with is not far to me. Josh is also in love with my girlfriend.

I asked her about Josh and she said she did not love him. I know she lied because the letter said other wise. Josh knows about me. at the end of the letter he wrote I love you and she wrote I love you so much much much much much. She has never lied to me till now.

She wants me to move in with her but I am not sure because of how she feels. I love her and if I lose her it is going to be hard for me. We spend all day together. All my time is for her. I know she thinks about him when I am around. She is not with him because she feels like he can do better then her. I feel like she lied and cheated on me. I cannot trust her. I do not want to confront her about the letter because I went through her stuff to find it.

Now my question is what should I do? If stay with her what is going to happen when he comes back? Should I give her some space? What should I do?!? Should I move in? Should I just walk away? Should I try to make her happy? Should I just forget about the letter?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Dear Please Help,

Well My Dear, it sounds like she's a bit wishy washy, if you ask me. I mean, well hell, I'm just gonna say it; If she says these things behind your back, in other words, in this intimate letter to him, can you, will you ever be able to really trust her feelings and emotions completely?

In an earlier writing, from a gentleman in a similar situation, I gave the advice;

All's Fair in Love and War

Possibly read this and it may help you as well. Rarely do we get the inner working of a woman's mind as you have. I am referring to the letter you read. I would take it rather seriously, if I were you. No she's not cheating on you but she comes a close second.

See, my concern is with the honesty in this issue. She is not being honest with you, and you already know this. Is that not enough to send up red flags and/or some sort of hesitancy? It would for me and I can only say that I would stay on the side of caution.

Quite frankly, I have to wonder, really, "What's the rush here?"I mean, if I were you, I might hesitate to move right in with her. Now, nothing says she does not have real feelings for you and it is possible to love two men at a time. People do it all the time, do they not? But for real, is this the type of woman that you want, the kind that gives you half her heart?

My Advice; Slow your row, watch and wait, feel it out. As time passes, she just might give you all of her heart. Again, you have to ask yourself; Are you willing to invest in such uncertainty? You seem to have a forgiving heart but my concern is that, while she has every right in the world to say whatever she wants, i.e., that she does not love Josh, her own words say otherwise. Basic Training does not last forever and he may be back. So, you must ask yourself if you should invest your own heart, time, etc., with a woman who has been less than honest. Only you can answer this.

Again, I urge you to slow things down a bit and feel for the real deal!

Keeping It Real,


Aunt B

"Meanings"

Dear Aunt B,

Hello,

I've been wanting quite a bit to ask someone or the world in general about something I've experienced all my life; I have no idea whether this is normal or not. I'd like to preface this by saying that no, I am not depressed. I have been to a psychiatrist and been put on various anti-depressants, and they've never changed a thing about me.

For about as far back as I can recall, I've never had much emotion but, contrary to that, I've always had quite a bit. Hopefully I can explain this, as it sounds rather confusing right now. I can cry at the drop of a hat if I have to, I can display any and all emotions very well, but even when I'm crying or yelling or laughing until my stomach hurts, my mind is completely calm and uninterested and at times amused by it. I feel like life is on mute, or in sepia tones... it's the only way I can really explain it. Of course, I'm not saying I'm unhappy - I'm content. I'm not unhappy. I do feel emotion but only on a very minute scale. I'm not mentally at unrest. I spend time with people, I'm a contributing member of society, I do things. I accomplish goals, I make money, I do good work. Yet, it all feels silly. I feel a bit like I'm just bored and waiting for when I don't have to do this anymore. It feels boring. Life feels boring, even when I'm doing things at extremes. I've subjected myself to all sorts of dangerous things just to see if it affected me, and it didn't.

The other part of this is that I just don't care about other people. I've lost friends (to death) and haven't felt any regret: I don't miss people when they're gone. I don't miss people if they walk out of my life. I don't feel close to people, mostly because I just don't care about them. I have to fight at finding other people worth attention, as arrogant as that sounds. I'm not a bad person, I donate to charity, I donate my time to causes, I've lost feeling in my legs holding someone on my lap when they were crying all over my shoulder. I'm very polite and make room to accept everyone's beliefs. However, no matter how many good deeds I do or how much I bend over backwards for others or how much time I spend on other people, I still don't care outside of showing emotions outwardly that I think I should feel. I've walked out on my family and I haven't missed them; when their names are mentioned, despite raising me for seventeen years of my life before I left abruptly, I had to stop and remember who they were. I don't feel any regret. I have lived many years without them, and I don't lose any sleep.

This extends beyond emotions; I have no interest in spending time with people socially. I don't enjoy people at all, as I'm never sure what I'm supposed to feel or do or how to react. In high school I did find a very unfortunate way to give myself small "highs" of emotion - I treated everyone else like they were below me and quite horribly so. The sick ego boost made me temporarily happy; I do not do this anymore and I recoil when I see others do it.

I have an extremely high IQ, and I grew up extremely fast, so I've always talked above people my age. I've never had any children's books or toys, really... I read the 1988 Encyclopedia Britannica by the time I was six. It was my childhood reading. With my vernacular being the way it has been, I've always felt distant from others. However, I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master of none sort, so I've never found any niche that interested me because I was never specialized enough to fit in with the particular fans of _insert interest here_. This is fine, as I'd much rather read than spend time with people. I have no sexual attractions, either. I'm extremely asexual; my body functions, but it has no use to me in terms of sexuality. I ensure I have sex four times a year via pay, simply because it seems like I should. It seems that intercourse is somehow important to other men, so I do it just because of that. I find orgasm boring, too. It's a health issue to me.

Of course, I'm not a robot. I feel a very little sample of everything. Extremely rarely I feel too much and it causes me to get horrible migraines. I then lock myself away and put in earplugs and pull a pillow over my head. I have a calendar I keep to make sure I've cried a certain amount of times per year, too, because I'm concerned that if I don't necessarily feel it that it could have some negative effect if it really is there and I haven't released it. I recall someone I know watching an episode of a show called House; there was a girl who did not feel physical pain. Her body translated it all to pleasure. Well, watching it, that's how I feel emotionally quite a bit. I feel like I've trained myself in how to behave and perform "checks" to count that all the actions I think I'm supposed to take have occurred. I refuse to believe that this is in anyway some sort of emotional problem, despite my emotions having their "volume dial" most the way down. I have noticed that if I take drugs or drink a large amount of alcohol, I begin to feel a great deal. (I do not do this very often; perhaps once a year I've experienced that.) It seems as though something is almost instantly triggered that changes the way I feel. I have wondered sometimes if there's some electrical disturbance or problems that stop all of it from properly processing. I wondered if with alcohol it had to do with introversion of some sort - I am a very reserved person despite being sunny and polite when engaged - but I found the exact same occurred with drugs that are not known to affect introversion. In fact, during one experience with a restricted narcotic I experienced severe paranoia and was even more intent on avoiding people, but still I felt things very acutely. I have journalled and timed (as best I could considered my state at the times) my bodily reactions, mental state and awareness, emotional "volume" and other such things with a great number of drugs. They seem to almost all carry a similar time frame for releasing emotions; it takes about seventeen minutes from ingestion of toxin to increase of emotions. I've taken journals to doctors but was simply nagged about drug use and informed that they were not that sort of clinical-test doctor. I wish someone would take me seriously and realize I am not drug-seeking, I am attempting to diagnose some sort of error in my brain processor! I don't even enjoy drugs, I hate feeling overwhelmed and trapped by them. Maybe this description will help someone help me in determining what this is?

The closest I have ever seen is Dexter, a character from a series of novels I read awhile ago. I was quite fascinated, because it felt as though someone had put a finger on my aberrant behaviour. However, I have no traumatic incident, nor am I some sort of serial killer. I dislike people, but I don't hate them or think that I am somehow better than them or permitted somehow to hurt them just because I feel next to nothing for them. The same thing is there, though. I even use people in the same way, weighing whether or not I want to put up with conversation based on what I can use them for later down the road. I'm extremely manipulative in that way, but I've never hurt anyone from it. I like to think that I'm not parasitic, but rather that I share a symbiotic relationship with them; I try to give reasonably in return to what I receive. Only one person in my entire life has interested me and kept me due to my feelings for them, yet I'm not sure why. It's as close to love as I can feel. I overcompensate for my lack of empathy by spending all my money on her. She is my best (and only real) friend. She's aware that I seem to have some sort of serious sociopathic issues, but she doesn't care as she may not feel that way, but tends to agree with my caustic opinions that I share with only her. She seems to accept that this is who I am, and is very patient and actually engages me in discussion about things that other people have waved off as ridiculous. (For instance, theological debate from the point of view of someone who has no emotional connection to the issues. She even tolerates the fact that it leaves me too logical and too trigger happy to argue every point, and never pick a side.)

My question, really, is what should I do? Is this normal? Are there other people who experience this, and is it some sort of disease? Or is it just personality showing an extreme? Are emotions that important? Or, like those who are religious opposed to those who are not, is it something "missing" that is unneeded to those who do not want it? Could this cause me some sort of damage, could this be the symptom of some sort of other problem? I know it is not depression; my psychiatrists have tried me on every dosage of every brand of every kind of antidepressant, and none have changed one iota of my personality or disposition. (I have experienced a fascinated array of very gross and unfortunate side effects for the last eight years until I told them to just give up, involving everything from cluster headaches to a very gross explosion of hives, right along to wonderful things like diarrhea and sight impairment.) I'm perfectly healthy otherwise, apart from being mildly overweight (what desk worker isn't?). I do fully admit to "suffering" obsessive compulsive disorder along with this. I don't see how having a perfect order system for all my belongings and knowing where everything is has to do with "suffering", but apparently OCD is a disease so I suppose I should couch it in that phrasing. I'm hoping that you can provide some insights, ideas, point me in the direction of research; maybe someone will read this and know what this is. If anyone could help me on this, I'd love to hear it. You can act your way through life only so far before realizing that you're playing snakes and ladders without the ladders. Too many things in life require connection; art, music, my writing, design, naturalistic pursuits... so much of this I have all the technical knowledge in the world, but constantly hear, "We can't see any emotional connection to your art/composition/violin/photos/etc." It's very frustrating to not be part of this magical little club everyone else seems to be in.


Thank you very much if you have the time to read this and respond. I understand that a lot of people probably write in, so I'd understand if you didn't have time to get back to me. Whether or not you can, I appreciate it and hope you enjoy the upcoming weekend.



You see? I'm not a horrible person, I'm very polite. It's just... What is that saying? "If you can fake sincerity, you can do anything"?


Regards,
Henry

Dear Henry,

Remember that I am no professional, but I would bet money you have heard what I will say about this.

You sound like you have Disconnected Emotions, commonly referred to as Dissociative Disorder(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder ), more specifically Depersonalization Disorder.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder) There are a lot of sites geared towards this way of being, and it is recognised in psychological terms as a disorder. I can’t tell you what is and isn’t normal (mainly because I feel that is not objective), but I see how you think, and this would be my guess.

There are four basic “types” of emotional beings: The intuitive which operate from their *heart*, and the disconnect who over thinks and has no consult to their *heart*(I say *heart*, because I am not talking about the organ, I am talking about the emotional heart). The empath who acts as an Intuitive but with unhealthy boundaries, and the person with a bit of everything here: the balanced.

The relationship you have with your “friend” sounds very much like a dissociative/empath relationship. Which is also a typical behaviour, to search for an outlet to release your need for emotion.

A person, such as yourself, feels dissociated because of many reasons (most dissociatives are from traumas, but not all, some are the rare kind of too high of intellect and environment factors), but in general to be dissociative is to be insecure and to assure that their own sense of worthiness is not in jeopardy. The ironic piece about your situation is that you do feel, and quite strongly, which has shut your emotions off. The reason I say this, is from the things you have described about being a *good* person. A person who shows a dissociated personality can’t deal with being thought of as bad, or lacking goodness. It makes you feel unworthy, and that is the main fear here.

I strongly encourage you to read this site: http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmotionalDissociation.htm

Because it has a very clear definition and healing goal for a person which is disconnected with their emotions. The site is more geared towards the intuative and how to help, but the reason and logic should be enough for you to process.

I would also advise you to seek a professional therapist that will work with you, using Cognitive behavioral therapy, not drugs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavior_therapy . This is far more benificial and uses your own intellect to find your emotional switch.

I realize that by putting this out here for you, your persona may regard this as a threat and toss it into the “this is ridiculous” bin. But the end of your letter was so important: “My question, really, is what should I do? Is this normal? Are there other people who experience this, and is it some sort of disease? Or is it just personality showing an extreme? Are emotions that important? Or, like those who are religious opposed to those who are not, is it something "missing" that is unneeded to those who do not want it? Could this cause me some sort of damage, could this be the symptom of some sort of other problem?”... these are the questions asked by a person who does feel, who wants to feel, and who wants to figure out how to feel everything again.

Again, I am not a professional, so this isn’t a diagnosis. This is my best guess as to what might be up with you, and hopefully some insight and a path to ask a professional.

I really do hope that you find your way to your heart. We all deserve to feel.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.