Why Write A Letter???

Re-Post from Sunday, July 8, 2007




Dear Readers...

Quite often, I tell people, who write me, to handle things, by writing a letter, to the person, they are having difficulties with. I say this for a reason. I hate to repeat myself, but will for your benefit;

Have you ever, been in an argument and you can't get a word in edge wise? Ever been knee deep, in debate and you're so angry, you say exactly what you don't mean? Ever had an argument and walked away mad and thought to yourself, later that you wished you'd said this or that? I know I have. Now, it is human nature, when we argue, to take a defensive stance. Quite often, any and all of what we say, is lost in the heat of the moment, lost in translation. It may fall on deaf ears because the person we have the tiff or disagreement with, is pissed off and is only thinking of a snappy and snide comeback. Often times, arguing only results in bad feelings. Many a relationship, has been severed and suffered because of a simple argument. If we learn to fight fair, say what we mean, mean what we say and try not to say it mean, we might get somewhere. Often times though, we tackle an iffy situation, even with the best of intention, only to make things worse because of our temper. How do I know this? I have learned this the hard way, as I have a terribly short fuse and tend to say really nasty things, when I'm angry. Thus, I must "Sabotage Myself."

I learned to shut my big mouth, calm down, take a cleansing breath, maybe wait a few hours or a few days, even and then I place a pen in my hand, instead of a proverbial knife. Words do and can cut like a knife and can be much likened to a double edged sword. Words are more powerful, than we realize or give credit to and they can make or break even the strongest.

Our choice of words can actually be life changing, life altering and life building. If we behaved more responsibly with our words, this world, of course, would be a better place. But it is a golden egg, for someone, to grow enough to finally realize before the damage has been done, to choose their words carefully.

By writing a letter, we can face our fears, we can address, things calmly and we can choose those words, with all their/it's power, in check. We may orchestrate what needs to be said, how it is said and we are afforded, the choice of wielding this power, unbridled, unobstructed, undisturbed.

If you are in a nasty argument with someone, you can't say half of what needs to be said and or how it should be said. But with a letter, you have that person, (hostage, hah, just kidding) in an audience. They can read it and re-read it. it is proven that more is retained by reading something, first hand. The impact of your words and phrase, prose and stance can not be be undermined. More importantly, that person, with whom you may have had an altercation with, is not in your face, no nasty words are exchanged, no one dies.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

(This is an excerpt from this post...Guilt Trip 101; The Mother-in-Law)
Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:47 PM
Labels: Why Write A Letter???

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Virtual Scorecard

Hi Aunt B,

I am 14 and I really like this guy he's so cute. He wants to have sex and when we go places he always wants me to go some place else and he tries to fool around. I told him no but he just smiles and feels me up and stuff. I laugh but I am nervous really bad. I worry he will get me in a place. I worry he will push me to have sex. What can I say to him or tell him. I am scared and really worried cause I don't have birth control. I think I love him and I don't want him to leave me for some girl who will do it. What can I do?I tried to find some things you might have wrote about it but couldn't find it. I wish you were my Mom cause I'd be able to talk to you. My Mom will only yell at me. I need your help please? Is mb3 a guy? Is he cute or your son? I think he's a guy right? Maybe he can tell me? I hope so and I thank you aunt b. I know you are busy and all but I hope you can find time to write for me.

Chianna



Dear Chianna,

Hi, how are you? Well, first thing, don't go anywhere with him alone, I mean where there are no people. Also, don't let him force you into anything you're not comfortable doing. He needs to respect that. He needs to respect you saying no. But you know, there are plenty of guys out there that will respect your desires. They will not try to force you into anything. This guy sounds like he just wants sex, not so much a relationship. You can do better than him, and you deserve better than him. I know it will be hard losing him, and I know it will be hard seeing him with somebody else, but do you really want to be with somebody that doesn't respect you? Somebody that seems to only want to be with you for sex? I mean, you deserve somebody who will respect you. And, yes I am a guy. I think I'm pretty cute :), and no, I'm not Aunt B's son. But I do hope to have helped a bit, take care. Peace. mb3

Dear Chianna,

I thank you for writing and I do apologize for the delay. I hope nothing has happened since you first wrote to me.Somehow your letter was deleted and I happened to find it while I was looking for another thing I deleted.

I only have a couple things to say on top of what mb3 has already stated. First, just to let you know that most guys, especially in the teen years, well all they do is think about sex. A study showed that men think of sex at least every 90 minutes. I've not read about teen young men but I'd be willing to bet it's more often than that.

However, just because they think about it does not mean that you must give in to their advances. Now, I'm not saying your guy is like this but a lot of guys have a virtual scorecard as to how many chicks they can sleep with. They sleep with them and toss them to the side. Don't be one of those on the scorecard.

Believe it or not, a lot of those guys will bed you down and the reason they toss you to the side is for several reasons. Most of them immediately lose respect for you. Yea, now they see you as easy, a slut, just another score on that card. Sex is overrated and once it's done it's done, meaning once you've allowed it to happen you can never take it back or the experience.

Your first time with a man should be a memorable event. It should be where you've made love not made sex like a wild gorilla. And there is a distinct difference between making love and having sex.

More importantly, every time you sleep with some guy, even with a condom on, you take the chance of several things happening; getting pregnant, getting a disease, getting a reputation. So what I am saying is that you hold out and hold on to your rep. If he can't wait and respect your wishes to wait, first to get to a place where you know it's love, if he can't respect how you feel, he's just another punk on the make.
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

New Life

Hello ma-am,

My name is Sabrina.

I need advice, bad.

I have this feeling that my fiancee is cheating on me. He started to ignore me,he even told me he lost his cell phone so he couldnt talk me. I also found messages from other girls,he said hes just being polite. Every thing about him changed,appearance,music & how he treats me. I know that he is stressed because he is in the navy. Just started, but he told me its an 8hr class & thats its,not that difficult. He works out & constantly goes out with his friends. He never calls me/back. And few other things. So is it just me being parinoid?

Thank You So Much

Sabrina Couch


Dear S.Couch

I don’t know if the guy is cheating on you. But something is up if this behavior is out of the ordinary. But make sure that the paranoia isn’t getting the best of you. Sounds like he could be brushing off something about the Navy courses he’s taking... and last i checked working out isn’t a bad thing. But if he is constantly going out with his friends, and this is a new thing, i would ask what’s up.
He may not be cheating at all though, so definitely don’t accuse him of that. Maybe approach him regarding his lack of effort to spend time with you, and that you two need more time together. Maybe the guy is getting cold feet and doesn’t know what to say to you. So just ask.
I would wonder why he would lie about losing a cell though. Are you sure that he didn’t actually lose it? And when you are calling or texting him... how often is it? I know that being overly exuberating can be annoying to others. So you could try cutting back on the amount you do call him. I mean, I am married and find it ridiculous when my husband calls me for no reason. During the day, I work and I’m busy, and I don’t need someone interrupting me all day long. So I can see if he is getting annoyed if you aren’t calling or texting for a good reason and he is either at work or in class. Make sure that you are respecting his time, and that isn’t a factor in your suspicions.
You need to sit and talk with your guy. Obviously he isn’t spending enough time with you for your liking and you are not feeling secure about his fidelity. Just be sure not to get mad and accuse when you are talking, and i think the two of you can work things out.

Good luck!

~Xmichra.



Dear Ms. Couch,

You know what they say about how to tell if your dog is really your dog, you know if he's really loyal or not, right? You take him off the leash and watch to see if he comes back to you. If he comes back, of course, he was always yours. He might run amuck for a minute but he should come back. If he does not, he was never yours and it's better to write it/him off as a lesson learned. You then begin to place your time, energy and devotion, elsewhere. Something to think about...

There are a few things to think about as well before coming to any conclusions concerning your boyfriends behavior. For one thing, I know that right now he can not really commit to things in the same fashion, the same way things were before. If you keep pressing him or "hounding" him you will push him further away.

Now, I am not telling you that you must put up with things as they are but he's not going to give you, at least for the moment, any more than what you are getting.That doesn't make it right or even palatable but that's just the way it is. It is you who must make a decision as to whether you require more from this relationship, whether you are willing to wait for things to die down or if you will begin to get fed up enough to move on. Somehow, I think it will be the latter.

In his defense, I want you to think about a few things. For one, when you first join the Armed Forces, several things are going on. A man/woman finds themselves in places and situations they've never been in, placed in situations that are not always pleasant and for all intent and purpose it can be a very scary time. While you go merrily skipping along, he is facing challenges unlike that of which he's never faced. His integrity, fortitude as well as physical and emotional self will be challenged. Yes, the Armed Forces have a way of making or breaking a man/woman and then rebuilding them back up.

The second factor is what happens, the comings and goings every day when they have down time. Even if he is still Stateside he is building friendships and bonding in those friendships. I can see in my "view over" that his time and attention are being pulled in the direction of these friendships, fulfilling obligatory invites. I see that he is forging forward in this new life, new friendships, new interests and more importantly this common bond he has with those that are going through the same thing he is going through.

I do not know where you fit in with this new life of his? But you've got to either be understanding and patient or walk away and not take it personally.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Chalk It Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 32 years old and five months ago I met a guy online.We started to like each other but didn't rush things.
After three months ,he suggested to come on his vacation to see me(as we live far from each other).I wasn't sure
as this online dating is new to me but he said it's ok and he can wait.He said he's serious about me but
not sure if I was(and I am but a little scared).Things were great and we talked almost every night.He invited me
for Christmas there.Then one night he didn't come online (three weeks ago) and to this day I haven't heard from him.
I sent him ecards and I know he read them(I got the receipt back) but he haven't call or reply since .It's been three weeks
now ,I don't know what to do.I don't understand what went wrong?Silence is killing me.Please help


--
J

Dear Internet-Gal,

Relationships that are long distance are hard under the best of circumstances, because they involve a lot of written intimacy but no contact. It is even more difficult when you have never had any sort of contact to refer to, and that is where a lot of internet relationships fail.

Do I think that you did anything wrong to warrant this fellows lack of response? No. Do I think he is an asshat for not writing back? Definitely. Even if it were just to tell you that he needed more (or less who knows) and that he needed to move on, it is much more “manly” then to ditch a conversation or a person all together. Point is, you two did have a relationship even if it were just verbal/written. And some people respond even more so to the written part of a relationship than the physical.

It would be rather easy to pin this on lack of sex, but in honestly I think the delay of his visit to you may have made him think that maybe you were not as serious as he was, and that is his own issue not yours. You wanted to see how things were going and you were likely scared to invite a person from far away... essentially a stranger to your home. To me, this sounds smart, but I know that I am also a very untrusting person. However, when dealing with internet dating(if you decided to go with this method again), you almost have to open yourself to that meeting because without it you’re just e-mailing. And as much fun or as validating as e-mail can be... sorry to be blunt here, but it’s just words.

Think about it this way, if you were to meet this guy in real life, like in a coffee shop somewhere. And then you were to have the same conversations with him, over coffee and not have any other contact with him (no going to his place or your place, no knowing where he worked, no meeting people in the family or friends) would you still have been so hesitant on the meeting? Something tells me no. And that is what the “thing” is about internet dating. There is caution, and there is over caution.

Regardless on all of this though, it could be as simple as he was “dating” more than one person and the other decided to amp up the relationship. I know that isn’t something that you wanted to read, but you never know... happens all the time *IRL and on-line. You just never know, and it has nothing to do with geography.

Try not to beat yourself up about this though. Three weeks is a long time, so move on and don’t let this get to you. Chalk it up to someone who obviously didn’t understand or respect your timing or your values, and move on. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you are entitled to find happiness and not fret about the decisions of someone who IRL or not is a typical ass.

~Xmichra

*In Real Life

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Just Live

Dear Aunt Babz,

hey ms.b !
I used to date this guy for a while, and i started having little feelings with my best friend that resulted into nothing, but i believe that if yu even have remote feelings for someone else while in a relationship you shouldnt be with them. So as dumb as i am i broke things off with this guy. A few months later he started going out with another girl for a while and she just recently broke up with him to sleep with another guy. Throughout some of their relationship me and this guy would talk about what life would be like if we never broke up, but he thought that he should stay with his ex because they were going good and i broke up with him so he didnt want to be hurt again. Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?
From: In love?

Dear In Love,

I'm not quite sure what your question is but I will try to cover or address what I see here, ok? First off, I can tell you are a young woman(one who is struggling in this journey from girl to woman) of principle and scruples. I like that in you. Somehow I feel you are going to be successful in this life and if we tweak, some of your already outstanding features, things will fall into place for you.

The answer is somewhat complex, yet at the same time simple. It basically comes down to an assertive thinking, a way to "Just Live." What I mean by this is that too much time is spent not saying what needs to be said for several reasons. Those reasons range from fear of refutation, you know when someone blows you off and you feel stupid for ever saying something to making your feelings clear to someone you really care about. That could be the words you need to say to a guy you like or even a family member that, i.e. you haven't told them how much you appreciate them, their love and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

What I am trying to tell you is that the art of "Just Living" involves a few variables, as I said, they are simple yet complex. The simple part involves, the very creed by which I live;

"Say what I mean, mean what I say and try my damnedest not to say it too mean."

It comes down to learning to say what needs to be said. See, when you are young, you can not fathom or comprehend that you, along with others in your life will not live forever. Quite often we go through life assuming that everybody knows how we feel about things, how we feel about them, you know the people in our lives. For some reason, we tend to hold in our true inner most feelings, especially for the most important people that touch our lives every day. Do not put off telling someone just how you feel. If they are good feelings, you just might make their day, build up their self esteem, put a smile on their face and you never know but your words could save a life. This is coming so remember these words.

When it comes to saying what needs to be said, when it is an uncomfortable situation, the kind you tend to avoid, you must realize that quite often, especially if you are angry, you are the one who suffers, possibly stuffing your feelings deep inside yourself. This type of behavior affords and can cause actual medical illness, depression and so forth. So, what I am trying to say is it is not good to hold onto to feelings/emotions and words that need to be said.

"Just Living" in the complex aspect or side I was speaking of, entails a systems thinking, if you will, as to the outcome of the words you might use to define how you feel about any given situation or person. What I am trying to explain is that in any given situation or scenario, even your situation, there are a few ways to handle it. You wrote,

"Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?"

Now, I am not a mind reader and I highly doubt you are either, right? So, how/what/where do we go from here to find out and ascertain, really, how this guy feels about you? The simple part is you just get right to the point and just ask him. The complex and important part, before you ask the question is the Just Living and System Thinking aspect of it all. I will try to break it down for you...

Think before you speak. Anticipate the possible answers to any given question. Like a good Attorney, in a court room setting, you know possibly questioning a dependent on the stand, you never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to.

What I mean is, in reference to your situation, you need to think about the question first. Then, if you anticipate any possible answer, good or bad and you are able to prepare for that answer, even if it is a negative answer to your question, you've already prepared for the worst, rolled it around in your head and you steel yourself for the worst. No surprises, you are prepared. In the event that you get a positive answer, it's a good thing. In the event you get let down or told that he doesn't like you like that, you've already anticipated it and reasoned with it. How do you reason with it?

I always say that life as well as love is all a matter of perception. If you've been real with yourself, brutally honest when you look in the mirror, your life as well as your own perception of yourself is changed. Then, if and when someone says something nasty to you, possibly something hurtful, you are able to decipher what is true, what is not and what is just said to hurt you, maybe a hit below the belt.

The whole point is this, what you already know about yourself, what you've already acknowledged about yourself can not be used against you. Do you see what I'm saying? In other words, if somebody tries to throw something in your face, it can't stick, it won't hurt if you've already dealt with it, looked at it and either worked on to improve or accepted it about yourself.

I will tell you like it is, as I see it.(In The Zone)

"OK G-Friend, you already know you are not beautiful, don't you? Sometimes you don't even feel pretty, do you? But the fact is, when you look in the mirror, you see a girl with a beaming smile, who when she takes the time to do her hair up and stuff, on those days when you feel good about yourself, well, you are just radiant. No, you are not the prettiest girl on the block but you are far from ugly. You are not nasty fat. You are a good person and a loyal friend. You don't stand out because you are shy but you are far from invisible. People confide in you because they know you care enough to give them real opinion. They come to you because they know you are mature and wise beyond your years, 'an old soul.' Of course, you tend to over analyze everything said to you, picking it apart. You are a deep thinker and you often feel alone. You might even feel alone in a room full of people. This is because you don't let too many people in. You tend to worry way too much, worry about what will happen, long before it ever exists. You must work on this and 'Just Live.' Thus far, you are not happy in your own skin. This is the body God gave you. No, it's not perfect but neither is anybody else's. You must learn to accept yourself, concentrate more on your positive attributes and stop bringing attention to the negative. It just doesn't matter. Like that pimple that comes every time your 'Aunt Flow' comes, you tend to draw attention to it when really no one else cares or notices. That zit/pimple represents what you tend to do...draw attention to the negative when your entire existence is founded on the positive. Take notice, remember these words..."


An example of what I'm trying to say would be this;

If anyone were to try to use the negative, any of the negative aspects that you yourself percieve against you, let's say they call you "an ugly bitch" you know it's not true, don't you? So now the only emotion you should have is wondering how this person could possibly be arrogant enough to call you such things.

These are your real issues, masked in shyness. You 'Just Live' and ask the questions you need to ask. You anticipate that answer, good and bad and you will own the question, that situation and most certainly take the bite or sting out of any possible rejection. See, if he does reject you, you know where he says, "Nah, I don't want to be out of my relationship with my ex," you are already prepared.

Lastly, I see you with somebody else anyway...



Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Choices & Perspective

Dear Aunt B,

So here is my life: i am a 20yearold who lives at home, dropped out of college after a year, planning to go back in january, and i am unemployed. so, my parents are never happy with me, even when i do everything they want me to do. they want me to wake up on my own and do work without being asked (which means they think i am extremely lazy, which im not.). so i did that. still not happy. then they wanted me to get a job. did that, and still not happy. go to college, did that. so you get my point. my parents are workaholics. trust me, you have no idea. what they do everyday is not normal, and i think they expect me to be that way. i cant leave my home because i dont have a car (use my parents van), no money, and nowhere to go. i cant live on dorm, because both colleges are right down the road from my house, and so it would be a waste of money. plus my parents are paying for college, so if i leave now i will have to pay for it myself, with no job. but i dont want to stay at home because i cant stand it here. i know my parents are helping me with being at home and college, but i cant stand going through them everyday, its a nightmare times a million. oh, and they also suspect me and my brother of smoking pot, which we do, but only at night when everyone is relaxing and i want to just have some harmless fun in my basement. by the way (dont know if it matters), my parent expect me to be a role model for my brother, which i am 99% of the time, but they never see me. so that sucks. and my brother gets in trouble a lot with school, so that adds stress to everyone. plus they think i lie(and steal) alot. the only thing i lie about is pot, which i wont tell them because i think they might kick me out if they found out. and i dont steal, because i know how it feels to get stuff stolen. my parents are rich so when christmas and birthdays come around, i get stuff. the only thing is, everyone else wants what i have...you get it.
i had 4 job, actually 2 at the same time, but they both got in the way of each other and some how i lost both of them (not fired, but i cant explain in text). because of those jobs, i got a credit card, and a cell phone, leaving me with two bills. i do not have any money and i need to make some within two weeks to pay my bills or else i get my phone shut off, which i need to get a job with, and i will get huge fees. i tried getting new jobs. ive applied everywhere. looks like this 'stock crash' is hurting me. i went through two temp agencies, which i got work for only one week and havnt heard back since. i even lost $100 buying workboots. i had my last paycheck stolen from me (or lost, reallllllly lost). its weird because me and my friend applyed at menards at the same time, him with no experience at all, and me with management and a lot of experence, and he is the one who gets the interview. i dont get it.
so basically, i am broke, in debt, cant satisfy my parents, cant get a job, and im all outta weed(haha).
anyways, everything that can go wrong has already, and i feel completely helpless. i want to fix these issues with my parents, with my finance, and with my life, but i just dont know what to do or where to start. please help.

thanks for reading,
brian


Dear Brian,

I have a very good feeling that you are NOT going to like what I have to say. Actually I will guarantee it. But I will ask that you read it all, right to the bottom because even though this is hard, you need to hear it. You need to grow up. You are twenty years old and blaming the discomfort of living with your supportive parents for your own mistakes. And the only way to fix what you have done thus far is to get out of denial and come to terms with what can be fixed and how to do it. - Stop dwelling on the college thing.

Everyone has a learning curve. Point is, you intend on going back. So you need to buck up now and not get yourself into so much debt that you CAN’T go back. - Stop smoking pot in your parent’s basement! Dude, regardless on my personal opinion on drugs (and that is you are really doing yourself a disservice by doing them, trust me I know.) you should respect your parents home. It is not YOUR basement, it is theirs. And you doing drugs and lying about it will only make your situation worse... compound that with smoking with your younger brother, and you are being (excuse the language) a really shitty role model. Doesn’t matter what you are doing the other 99% of the time, you are teaching him that it is acceptable to lie to your parents and disrespect them in their own home.

Think about that. - I don’t know what the “deal” is with the work situation (because quite frankly that whole thing sounds like scape-goating and BS) but you need to get up and look for work. Not having a cell phone really isn’t an excuse, as i am fairly positive that your parents have a land line and welcome you to use it if it gained you employment. I don’t know where exactly you live, but there are jobs out there, regardless of the state of the country’s economy. You need to be persistent and keep looking. - Satisfying your parents should be last on the list you should worry about. Know why? Because if you made the changes to work through all this other crap you would satisfy them. They may indeed be workaholics, but what they are looking for with you is the motivation to succeed, and it is something that you currently do not have.

You get yourself motivated and land a job, work on your own debt, stop disrespecting them in their house, and actively participate in making your life better, and they will be satisfied. Funny thing about that, is you will be too. I do know that this was not what you want to hear, because it is another lecture. And I know this, and know that you very well may blow this off as another bitch that doesn’t understand what your problems are and just doesn’t listen.

But I assure you I DO know what you are talking about, and I DO know what the issue is. And sometimes dealing with wanting your independence but being completely dependent on people is something that bugs a person so badly that it makes it utterly impossible to get up and fix the actual problem. You get so busy looking at all the negatives that it is hard to see the positive, and what needs to be done.. instead you are putting up all these justifications and barriers which hurt you more then you can imagine. I do hope that you take the initiative to fix what is going on, and that you realize that you have the complete and total ability to change this situation.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra Dear Brian,

Oddly enough, your story has similarity's to mine. I can relate. I come from a very wealthy, influential family, who were also workaholics. They also expected everybody else to work as they did and if you didn't, you perceived to be "Nothing but a lazy, good for nothing bum." I feel your pain, lol! I was given a small allowance but you can bet your bum, I was made to earn every penny. Nothing, absolutely nothing was handed to me.

I can remember on the weekends wanting to sleep in. My Mom would come in early and wake me up, assigning me chores for the day. Yes, I spent most Saturdays cleaning or doing yard work and so on. It felt much akin to slave labor. Our house was immaculate, which for the most part was the result of our, my brothers and sisters work.

I hated it, you know, being made to spend my Saturdays working. It seemed like she found stuff for us to do. We even had to scrub the walls. The most insidious of all was I had to start vacuuming in the far corner of the room and vacuum backwards, thus erasing my footprints. Yea, she was that anal about it.

Mommy Dearest

I can remember, more than once, doing the dishes and not doing them well enough to please her. Now, mind you, I had to use a step stool, so I must've been pretty young. Maybe I didn't get them clean enough or left food on them, I can't remember. But to teach me a lesson, she took a whole cabinet full of dishes out and made me do them over plus the dishes from the cabinet.

"Always do it right the first time!"

Just as you've written, I could never seem to please them either. So it seemed? Their expectations seemed so high. I mean if I got a B on a test, especially in Math, my toughest subject, I was asked why I'd not attained an A? I felt that I should've been awarded a cookie or something because I did try. They expected so much...

"No More Wire Hangers"

My parents came from the Old School where they felt if "You spare the Rod, you spoil the child." They'd beat the living shit out of me. On more than one occasion, I had blood pouring down my legs from a hickory switch which was more like a branch than a switch. But more than anything, I'd get my butt beat and put on restriction. I can remember doing a whole summer for something I did, confined to the house. Music became my solace and I spent countless hours, in my room, playing album after album.

The point is; I was a bitter bitch for years. I was quite convinced they hated my guts. I couldn't wait to move out and not have to live under their iron thumb. I can still remember them saying, "You don't want to follow the rules of this house, get the hell out." I'd run away and they'd bring me right back with a fresh ass kicking. I must admit though, I was a bad kid and I did give them fever, a real run for their money.

The Final Run

I started smoking pot, drinking, drugging when I was like 12 years old. My older step-brothers are the ones that first turned me on to smoking pot. At the time, of course, I thought they were for real cool as shit. Well, just like riding the Merry-Go-Round,which smoking pot was much akin to, I wanted the trill of the Roller Coaster, moving on to bigger and better things/drugs. I did anything and everything through those years. It ended with me, many, many years later kicking Heroin. But it ain't over till this fat lady sings...

The final straw, at 14, was when I was supposed to be watching my little sister but was out front in a van, with a bunch of guys, smoking bong hits of hash while I tripped on Purple Haze. What a buzz kill it was when my parents rolled up, unexpectedly. There's a lot to that story but suffice it to say, they threw my stuff in two paper bags, after calling the Police (they took my acid too dammit) and kicked me to the curb. I was resentful and hated them for years.

Yea, I never felt I could please them and they expected too much. They wanted this Stepford kid and because I never felt I could measure up, I became rebellious. What I could never see back then, I sure as hell see now.

Choices

It turns out, I was lazy, preferring to lounge in front of the T.V., hang out with my friends, listen to music and party hardy. It turns out they knew I was intelligent, if I only applied myself to school work with the same passion I did to my social life, music, drugs, friends, guys. It turns out, in the eventuality of my life, as one Detective put it, "If you had applied, what you'd just done, your crimes, if you have chosen to do right instead of wrong, Babz, you could've been a Rocket Scientist." It also turns out that more often than not, my parents were simply trying to instill a work ethic that could/would carry me through this life. Yea, life can be cruel and the days will come when you must stand on your own, alone, the Patriarch of your own family.

We all have choices. It starts with looking for them when they are not in plain sight. It then goes on to seeing things, choosing to look at things from a different perspective. This is the key to life, love, laughter and happiness;
Choices & Perspective.

How do I say this to you? Well Darlin', I will just say it...Just Do The Dang Thing. You'll get that job when you begin to see yourself who you really are. What I mean is, do not be boastful and full of yourself. Become humble. Being humble is not for the weak but for the strong, only the strongest. You must remember my words, all the days of your life.

When you stop expecting to be something other than who you really are, when you make the choice to be humble and go for an entry level job, not expecting to be handed a Senior Admin position...when you start to carry yourself in this humility that I mentioned...when you make the choice to do what must be done without being resentful and rebellious...things will begin to pop for you. I can see it, now I want you to.

If you were one of my sons, I would tell you the same things, I tell you now; No More Victim. Take responsibility for your actions as well as your future. Do your best and don't say you can't push for that extra mile. Confidence is one thing but arrogance smells to high heaven, ok?

You have so much potential. You are quite charming, witty and smart. But on one hand, you have been arrogant, while on the other you tend to want to sit in your own shit and complain how much it smells. Well, hell yea it smells! Now, get your butt up, wash it off and begin your life again.

The new Brian will be confident, willing to learn, willing to look for choices and perspective. He will also realize that his parents are only human, they actually do love him and only want the very best for him. No, they are not always right nor are they always wrong. Stop bucking the system, go with the flow and be thankful. One day, you will begin to see just how human they are.

One more thing I want you to ponder; "Some say the glass is half full, some say it is half empty. Personally, I am now, just grateful for the water."

It took me many years to arrive at this, my quote. I was a little bitch who thought I was owed the world and when I didn't get it, I blamed everybody for my own demise. Brian Darling, I am not pointing the finger...simply guiding you from stepping in the same shit hole I did. Live, Learn, then Laugh Like No Tomorrow!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Follow Your Heart

Dear Aunt B,

First of all I would like to thank you for this great opportunity to express my self! I am in Africa and it’s been 4 years since I realised I am gay. Am a 21 year old college student my problem Auntb is that here in Botswana Gay people are not welcome and am always in doors afraid if what people will say about me. But recently i have been encountering strong sexual emotions and i really want someone in ma life! What should i do Auntb?

Dear Gay in Botswana:

Without going into what i feel you should do, I do first and foremost want to warn you. I do not think this is right, but in your situation I will caution you to be extremely discreet in any homosexual activity, given the laws in your land.
According to chapter 8.01, 164 to 167 of the legal code, homosexuality is an "unnatural tendency" and can be punished with up to seven years of imprisonment. Acts of gross indecency are also punishable according to this article.

I do not personally agree with this law, and would encourage you to seek help from the local Lesbians, Gays and Bisexuals of Botswana (LEGABIBO) but in doing so you may put yourself in danger. So be careful.

How to go about the actions of “being gay” and that is to say just live your life, will largely be effected by the law and what you can do to prevent being prosecuted. This is so wrong.. I am having troubles even telling you these things, because I believe in equal rights for all people. But you need to get advice from an organization that knows the laws and how to get around them if you plan on doing anything. I do not know all the laws and what can happen, so I am very hesitant to say Botswana be damned follow your heart, because that can lead to something very bad for your future.

So I think that is how I will answer this question. You need to seek out the group mentioned above and figure out how to live your life around these oppressive laws. If it simply isn’t going to work in Botswana... well if it were me I would move. I couldn’t handle not being able to live my life in the manor I chose. That may not be an option for you, I don’t know. But it is one that I would look into if nothing safe can be done where you live.

Other than that, I can’t really answer your question because of the geography of your situation. You need to figure that out first, and hopefully that will help direct you to your answers.
Good luck to you and your search. You deserve to be happy.

~Xmichra.


Dear Reader,

Normally, I do not read what Xmichra has written this way I am not biased in my opinion. By not reading her answer, I also have a fresh or possibly different perspective. As well, I trust her opinions and advice expressly, she is beyond gifted and giving in her raw emotion. Giving to you, the reader.

For some reason, this time I did read what Xmichra had written to you and I couldn't agree more. You must proceed with extreme caution. I also agree that is is a tragedy to have to hide such things but I do not make up the rules nor do I have any say in them.

What you must remember is that you need to think before you do or act upon your feelings. In the first place, a persons sexual encounters should be extremely private...so keep them that way. What I mean is that we all do it or have done it, have sex that is but I don't need to know that you are doing it and I'm sure you don't want to know what I'm up to.

Possibly be discreet in your endeavors, do not be promiscuous, in other words, make sure you know this person first, know them well so they may not use it against you somehow. It should be this way anyway. While we all might enjoy sex, it should not be the main focus in any relationship. It should, in fact, be first and foremost, a friendship. Sex comes later. Safe sex...hopefully!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"