Monday, November 12, 2007

Taking Control; "Hitler is Dead."

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,
I'm going to apologise in advance for such a long email.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 7 months now. It has been a VERY long journey. I am 21 year old retired sucessful model/actress. When I first met my boyfriend my Playboy issue had just come out. I told him I model and act and that it is difficult to hold a relationship because most men are uncomfortable with the fact that I sometimes do nudity in movies and Ive done Playboy (Ive never done porn, just hollywood motion pictures with frontal nudity.) He said he was okay with it after I pre-warned him about my career, so we decided to commit. With the industry came alot of promotions and partys and I got mixed in with the drug crowd. My boyfriend has never done drugs and comes from a very stable family. Me on the other hand,am the opposite,I've STARTED doing cocaine with my father since age 13, moved out at 16 to clean up and fell back into the hole because of my industry at age 19. I dabbled here and there and one month in our relationship I had to go to a crew and cast party and my boyfriend gave me a curfew of
1:00a.m. I screwed up and did drugs all night and didnt come home until the next day. My boyfriend wasnt having it, so he packed up my things and told me to leave. I cried and begged for forgiveness and told him GLADLY that I'd NEVER do it again! Since then I've been completely sober, no drugs, no alchohol, no cigarettes. Now comes the inspector, he started to google me online to see where my modeling pictures were being posted, checking up my work emails asking which who these male models were, putting history on my chatting devices to spy on any of my conversations, asking for my passwords to all my emails, making me delete my accounts,telling me I can not go clubbing anymore, he made me change my phone number so males can't contact me, freakimg out if I dont answer my phone when he calls, told me nudity isn't allowed for my work any longer, he use dhis friends accounts on site he wasn't a part of to see what other people were saying to me and what I was replying to them in return. I put up with it because I knew I had nothing to hide, it was painful but I felt if he saw that there was nothing wrong he'd stop.. but he didn't. I tell him what sites I'm on and gave him all my passwords. He made me delete some accounts, one of which was facebook. On day I got a call from him saying "are you hiding something from me?" I clearly stated "no" over and over untile he came out and said "I thought you deleted your facebook account??!?!?!" I started crying and said I did over and over. He called me a liar and said he was looking at my new account right now. I said that that was impossible unless someone downloaded my pics and is pretending to be me. I went online to check up on what he was claiming to be my new account. It ended up being a fan page people made of me and my photos and it wasnt an account at all. He appologized but then justified it by saying atleast he found out that people are posting my pictures. He made me get in touch with the host and made them take down the fan page. As you probably already guessed, I eventually had to quit acting and modeling all together. So now I have no career at the moment but I start make-up school in a few weeks to start my new career. I have three friends who are all married females and family when before my phone was ringing off the hook with demands of people wanting to see me. He said I need to pick out the weeds (males, druggies, clubbers, promoters, models, actors) and keep the positive flowers (women, family, and married people) which I am fine with except for the fact that I don't know if he is making me do thjis because I can't be trusted or because he wants me to better my life. I used to be quite the messy girl but now I have to have my place ALWAYS in tip top shape, to his standards or we won't go out for the weekend or he won't come over. I cook breakfast every morning for him, fix a lunch for him for work and have dinner ready for him when he gets home. I get in trouble if i sleep in and I get called lazy. He makes me have a list of things to do, clean, read etc. so I keep myself busy through out the day. See the thing is, everything he tells me to do, I am happy to be doing because theyre all positive. Im so happy that I'm sober, I am excited to start school, I love cooking for him and a clean house makes anyone feel great but I feel like its never enough. He's always guiding me and telling me what to do. My family is very wealthy, so I was brought up by nannys and maids,so I never had a proper up bringing. My parents divorced when I was young and my father owned a bunch of night clubs and a construction company and my mother owned a high end fashion clothing store which she travelled for more often than not. My boyfriend comes from a very well put together, happy brady bunch family, so I don't know if his descepline is controlling or normal. I want to please him very much so, I love him with all my heart and he's smart, successful but lately I feel he's been too hard on me. I've expressed this to him but he claims he's just being a "good guy". He can be harsh in his tone with his demands. I cry often because I feel like I'm not doing enough and he feels unsatisfied with me. I try very hard to keep him happy but he seems more dissapointed than not even though he does state from time to time that Ive come a long way. I cry more often than not and feel like a puppet even though the puppateer is only making me do good things. He goes out and drinks with his friends at clubs and such and I guess that's okay, in any other relationship that would never bother me but because Im told not to do so I guess I feel it's unfair a bit, even though he feels he has reason to say I'm not allowed to do these things because I've proven I can not be trusted otherwise. He is 7 years older than me, conservative, serious, hard working, very into money making and saving and building a well strutured future. I'm beautiful, free spirited,a flower child, always kind, always smiling and laughing, helping others, giving to charities, loved by all, all over the map,never by the book, always with good intentions kind of girl. He used to say he loved the way I am because I brought out his fun side, a way he hasen't felt since age 16. We would go sky diving, and go on random trips last minute, we were so free and beautiful. Now I feel like a scolded puppy in training. Theres so much more Id like to say but I know you don't want to read a novel. Thank you soooooooo much for taking the time out of your day to help me know whether my boyfriends controlling or just a nice guy.

Dear Friend,

It’s conflicting when you have this path that you want to be on and someone appears to be so supportive. But really, this is control, not support.

You and I have completely different life stories, but on this one I can 100% understand what you are going through.

When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was a really nice guy. But he was overbearingly controlling. He limited who I could and couldn’t talk too. He forbid me to drink or smoke because I was ‘too good for that shit’. He monitored where I went, how I dressed, who I was going to see, when I placed phone calls, everything. And I took it for over a year and a half.

Why? I have no idea. I just know that in that point in my life I thought I was going into a downward spiral. I came from a family where things were pretty messy most of the time, but I was loved and told that no matter what not to let any person control me. And still, with this background of reassurance and influence I was in a relationship where I was no longer me.

Sure, the things that I was ‘made to do’ weren’t’ bad at all. But it wasn’t ME making the decisions. And I felt like I was trying so hard to please someone who would never love me if he knew the evil thoughts I would have. Like wanting to go to a party, or light a smoke.

And soon after the one year mark I decided that I had had enough of always pretending and I wanted to go see my friends that I hadn’t talked to in so long. I fabricated a whole story and made it so that he would never find out. I went out, got truly loaded, drugged up, smoking like mad and was out all night. It was such a great release.. and if there was ever any thought of me being wild before.. dear gods that was tame to this night. I was so into the moment that I completely lost control of myself, to a point that I would have never been if it were my regular party life.

Of course he found out, and of course it was awful. And that was the first time that he hurt me. He pushed me so hard I fell down the stairs and broke a rib and fractured my elbow.

He was crying and saying things like “why did you do this? You know that I don’t want to hurt you! Why did you do this and make me the monster? This isn’t me, this is you!”

And I foolishly believed him. And the reasoning was that I did disobey him. I was in the wrong. And I was feeling like the reckless half of what would have been a great relationship.

I won’t go to much into the rest of that relationship. Suffice to say it ended very shortly after that, and to this day I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. But I wanted to tell you this so that you knew that what I am about to tell you is so much of the truth that it still pains me to tell you.

The guy that you are with loves “you”. And it’s a problem, because he doesn’t love the real you. He loves the trained puppy that he is making, and regardless on who stupid this sounds, he loves the challenge. He wants his hot pin up girl and doesn’t want to share. This would be true even if you weren’t successful, but it is more evident because you are.

If he were really in love with you then he would be supportive, not demanding. He would help you seek help for your drug addiction, and would encourage you to do other movies and what not.. instead of nudity (which is what I am guessing you don’t want to do. There is no shame in doing them though, so wipe your head of that).

There is nothing in this world like taking complete control of your life, and being in a relationship that is both healthy and understanding. And I am sorry, but you are doing neither.

You should be celebrating the successes that you have had (like being sober, and going to school) and you should be able to express that with the reaction of joy and delight. Not crying and wanting to be somewhere else. Not groveling for approval.

You asked if he was a good guy. He very well might be. But he isn’t too you. And since there has been so long of a pattern here, I am extremely doubtful that you two will be able to make things work. He clearly doesn’t trust you, and you clearly feel like a caged bird. And that will not change. Not even with the best of therapy I would be willing to wager. And why do I say this? Because you still think that you are doing something wrong just for having a past and wanting to do things with your life. And it won’t be until you have asserted your power over your own life that you will find a sense of hope and be able to make the decisions in your life that don’t break your heart.

Your boyfriend is controlling, and you are more then letting him.

My advice? Get out. Get out now, and still do the things that you are doing to make your life go where you want. Go to school, be drug free, clean up after yourself, cook your own meals. But do this all for you, not for another person. And if you need a support network, I am more then sure that we can find something if we know the area that you live in (we would keep that strictly confidential, and do not require your name to find you support).

You can be the woman you want to be, but knowing what is going on right now I know that this will not end well for you. Or for him. So take control of your life, and let yourself feel free.


Aunt Babz Said...

I do believe he probably has standards, he feels you need to adhere to. They may be good standards values and principles but he can not force them upon you. His approach is all wrong and it will continue as long as you allow it.

All the good intentions in the world can not be forced upon you as it only breeds resentment. It's the same with addiction. You can't get clean for anybody but yourself or you will harbor resentment until that point where you make the decisions to change your life and your attitude on yourself...Continued...

I do apologize for the delay in answering your question, my Dear Friend. In all actuality, I was having a hard time, pulling together what I wanted to say here. I still am but will attempt to address this issue.

It all comes down to the "Respect Factor." He must respect you as a peer, colleague, best friend, good friend or it just won't work. In other words, ask him, if the manner he speaks to you, is the same manner, tone or presentation, he would have/use with his boss or friend, whatever? If it's not, he needs to ask himself, where he derives the sense that you need his tutor, mentoring and fathering? You must make it clear that at all times, he must address you just as he would anyone else. You must make it clear that nothing else will work, from this day forward. You will not be talked down to, no matter what he feels he needs to teach you. You must now take away that controlling factor and never tolerate it again. Then and only then, will you get the message.

The message is one thing. Preaching is another. Make it clear that you'll go to church for the preaching, you don't need it in your home. Refuse to swallow it. Stop playing the martyr for the cause of your relationship and simply state that it is just not tolerated. I kind of see that you've dug yourself, a big hole, painted yourself into a corner, without even realizing it. See, people will only do and say what they feel they can, especially if it's basically inappropriate. By inappropriate, I mean, he has no business telling you what you "have" to do with a MySpace or Facebook account. He can discuss his dislikes concerning the situation but to act like a Nazi on the subject and to make you feel so badly, you would cry, is completely inappropriate.

The important issue here, that you need to look at, is, again, that "Respect Factor." All things revolve around to and fro concerning respect. I think you've both confused being submissive and maybe even timid with being told what to do. When you respect someone, you don't "tell" them what to do, as you have no right and you realize it. No, in a healthy relationship, your partner may suggest and express their feelings on a subject and if it's within reason, you're most likely going to bend and maybe concede to their wish. But if he comes at you like Hitler, demanding this, forbidding that, asserting this and then telling you what your opinion on the matter is, well it will eventually only bring about resentments. You will, like a tea kettle, simmer along for a minute but the next thing you know, you've blown your whistle and it ain't pretty. I don't even think you've blown that whistle yet. Instead choosing to internalize it all, you take offense and you end up crying and hurt by it all. Hitler is need to remind him of this.

In conclusion, from this moment on, I want you to pay attention and begin to realize a few things. I want you to notice how he speaks to his mates/friends/buddies. I'm quite sure he does not talk down to them. They'd first tell him to take a hike but they just wouldn't remain friends, now would they? He must treat you with the same decorum and respect as he would anyone else.

Secondly, he can only do and behave a certain way, if you allow it. You have conditioned him to treat you as he has. You are actually in control here, if you choose to be. Yes, believe it or not! Many men behave a certain way, because they know they can. Because they can, they will and you'll find they will always exercise that privilege. But they can only do to you what you allow. Tell him, "Hitler is Dead."

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