Dear Aunt Babz,
I'm going to apologise in advance for such a long email.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 7 months now. It has been a VERY long journey. I am 21 year old retired sucessful model/actress. When I first met my boyfriend my Playboy issue had just come out. I told him I model and act and that it is difficult to hold a relationship because most men are uncomfortable with the fact that I sometimes do nudity in movies and Ive done Playboy (Ive never done porn, just hollywood motion pictures with frontal nudity.) He said he was okay with it after I pre-warned him about my career, so we decided to commit. With the industry came alot of promotions and partys and I got mixed in with the drug crowd. My boyfriend has never done drugs and comes from a very stable family. Me on the other hand,am the opposite,I've STARTED doing cocaine with my father since age 13, moved out at 16 to clean up and fell back into the hole because of my industry at age 19. I dabbled here and there and one month in our relationship I had to go to a crew and cast party and my boyfriend gave me a curfew of
1:00a.m. I screwed up and did drugs all night and didnt come home until the next day. My boyfriend wasnt having it, so he packed up my things and told me to leave. I cried and begged for forgiveness and told him GLADLY that I'd NEVER do it again! Since then I've been completely sober, no drugs, no alchohol, no cigarettes. Now comes the inspector, he started to google me online to see where my modeling pictures were being posted, checking up my work emails asking which who these male models were, putting history on my chatting devices to spy on any of my conversations, asking for my passwords to all my emails, making me delete my accounts,telling me I can not go clubbing anymore, he made me change my phone number so males can't contact me, freakimg out if I dont answer my phone when he calls, told me nudity isn't allowed for my work any longer, he use dhis friends accounts on site he wasn't a part of to see what other people were saying to me and what I was replying to them in return. I put up with it because I knew I had nothing to hide, it was painful but I felt if he saw that there was nothing wrong he'd stop.. but he didn't. I tell him what sites I'm on and gave him all my passwords. He made me delete some accounts, one of which was facebook. On day I got a call from him saying "are you hiding something from me?" I clearly stated "no" over and over untile he came out and said "I thought you deleted your facebook account??!?!?!" I started crying and said I did over and over. He called me a liar and said he was looking at my new account right now. I said that that was impossible unless someone downloaded my pics and is pretending to be me. I went online to check up on what he was claiming to be my new account. It ended up being a fan page people made of me and my photos and it wasnt an account at all. He appologized but then justified it by saying atleast he found out that people are posting my pictures. He made me get in touch with the host and made them take down the fan page. As you probably already guessed, I eventually had to quit acting and modeling all together. So now I have no career at the moment but I start make-up school in a few weeks to start my new career. I have three friends who are all married females and family when before my phone was ringing off the hook with demands of people wanting to see me. He said I need to pick out the weeds (males, druggies, clubbers, promoters, models, actors) and keep the positive flowers (women, family, and married people) which I am fine with except for the fact that I don't know if he is making me do thjis because I can't be trusted or because he wants me to better my life. I used to be quite the messy girl but now I have to have my place ALWAYS in tip top shape, to his standards or we won't go out for the weekend or he won't come over. I cook breakfast every morning for him, fix a lunch for him for work and have dinner ready for him when he gets home. I get in trouble if i sleep in and I get called lazy. He makes me have a list of things to do, clean, read etc. so I keep myself busy through out the day. See the thing is, everything he tells me to do, I am happy to be doing because theyre all positive. Im so happy that I'm sober, I am excited to start school, I love cooking for him and a clean house makes anyone feel great but I feel like its never enough. He's always guiding me and telling me what to do. My family is very wealthy, so I was brought up by nannys and maids,so I never had a proper up bringing. My parents divorced when I was young and my father owned a bunch of night clubs and a construction company and my mother owned a high end fashion clothing store which she travelled for more often than not. My boyfriend comes from a very well put together, happy brady bunch family, so I don't know if his descepline is controlling or normal. I want to please him very much so, I love him with all my heart and he's smart, successful but lately I feel he's been too hard on me. I've expressed this to him but he claims he's just being a "good guy". He can be harsh in his tone with his demands. I cry often because I feel like I'm not doing enough and he feels unsatisfied with me. I try very hard to keep him happy but he seems more dissapointed than not even though he does state from time to time that Ive come a long way. I cry more often than not and feel like a puppet even though the puppateer is only making me do good things. He goes out and drinks with his friends at clubs and such and I guess that's okay, in any other relationship that would never bother me but because Im told not to do so I guess I feel it's unfair a bit, even though he feels he has reason to say I'm not allowed to do these things because I've proven I can not be trusted otherwise. He is 7 years older than me, conservative, serious, hard working, very into money making and saving and building a well strutured future. I'm beautiful, free spirited,a flower child, always kind, always smiling and laughing, helping others, giving to charities, loved by all, all over the map,never by the book, always with good intentions kind of girl. He used to say he loved the way I am because I brought out his fun side, a way he hasen't felt since age 16. We would go sky diving, and go on random trips last minute, we were so free and beautiful. Now I feel like a scolded puppy in training. Theres so much more Id like to say but I know you don't want to read a novel. Thank you soooooooo much for taking the time out of your day to help me know whether my boyfriends controlling or just a nice guy.
Of course he found out, and of course it was awful. And that was the first time that he hurt me. He pushed me so hard I fell down the stairs and broke a rib and fractured my elbow.
He was crying and saying things like “why did you do this? You know that I don’t want to hurt you! Why did you do this and make me the monster? This isn’t me, this is you!”
You should be celebrating the successes that you have had (like being sober, and going to school) and you should be able to express that with the reaction of joy and delight. Not crying and wanting to be somewhere else. Not groveling for approval.
I do believe he probably has standards, he feels you need to adhere to. They may be good standards values and principles but he can not force them upon you. His approach is all wrong and it will continue as long as you allow it.
All the good intentions in the world can not be forced upon you as it only breeds resentment. It's the same with addiction. You can't get clean for anybody but yourself or you will harbor resentment until that point where you make the decisions to change your life and your attitude on yourself...Continued...
I do apologize for the delay in answering your question, my Dear Friend. In all actuality, I was having a hard time, pulling together what I wanted to say here. I still am but will attempt to address this issue.
It all comes down to the "Respect Factor." He must respect you as a peer, colleague, best friend, good friend or it just won't work. In other words, ask him, if the manner he speaks to you, is the same manner, tone or presentation, he would have/use with his boss or friend, whatever? If it's not, he needs to ask himself, where he derives the sense that you need his tutor, mentoring and fathering? You must make it clear that at all times, he must address you just as he would anyone else. You must make it clear that nothing else will work, from this day forward. You will not be talked down to, no matter what he feels he needs to teach you. You must now take away that controlling factor and never tolerate it again. Then and only then, will you get the message.
The message is one thing. Preaching is another. Make it clear that you'll go to church for the preaching, you don't need it in your home. Refuse to swallow it. Stop playing the martyr for the cause of your relationship and simply state that it is just not tolerated. I kind of see that you've dug yourself, a big hole, painted yourself into a corner, without even realizing it. See, people will only do and say what they feel they can, especially if it's basically inappropriate. By inappropriate, I mean, he has no business telling you what you "have" to do with a MySpace or Facebook account. He can discuss his dislikes concerning the situation but to act like a Nazi on the subject and to make you feel so badly, you would cry, is completely inappropriate.
The important issue here, that you need to look at, is, again, that "Respect Factor." All things revolve around to and fro concerning respect. I think you've both confused being submissive and maybe even timid with being told what to do. When you respect someone, you don't "tell" them what to do, as you have no right and you realize it. No, in a healthy relationship, your partner may suggest and express their feelings on a subject and if it's within reason, you're most likely going to bend and maybe concede to their wish. But if he comes at you like Hitler, demanding this, forbidding that, asserting this and then telling you what your opinion on the matter is, well it will eventually only bring about resentments. You will, like a tea kettle, simmer along for a minute but the next thing you know, you've blown your whistle and it ain't pretty. I don't even think you've blown that whistle yet. Instead choosing to internalize it all, you take offense and you end up crying and hurt by it all. Hitler is dead...you need to remind him of this.
In conclusion, from this moment on, I want you to pay attention and begin to realize a few things. I want you to notice how he speaks to his mates/friends/buddies. I'm quite sure he does not talk down to them. They'd first tell him to take a hike but they just wouldn't remain friends, now would they? He must treat you with the same decorum and respect as he would anyone else.
Secondly, he can only do and behave a certain way, if you allow it. You have conditioned him to treat you as he has. You are actually in control here, if you choose to be. Yes, believe it or not! Many men behave a certain way, because they know they can. Because they can, they will and you'll find they will always exercise that privilege. But they can only do to you what you allow. Tell him, "Hitler is Dead."