Dear Aunt Babz
Greetings, I hope this message finds you in good health and happy.
A little background information might make it a little easier to understand my plight, so...I'm a 22 year old stay at home mom married just 8 months, with a 3 month old daughter. I was 4 months pregnant when I married my husband, and yes he is the biological father of my daughter.
Pregnancy had taken it's toll on me, making it impossible to have sex through the first trimester due to hormones. Hence we went from making love several times a day in an attempt to get pregnant, to not at all because I was sick so much.
Then in my third trimester, he ceased to want me. Whether it was due to my growing size or some other reason, I'm not sure, but sex when it did happen was short and with out satisfaction from my aspect. Thus, our sex life became nothing more than my giving him hand and blow jobs.
So I hoped things would get better after the baby was born but we have always been warned it takes time to get things right, so "go slow, make it more like a courtship" but he has expressed no interest in making it like that at all. He either wants to get in, get off and get to sleep or he wants hand and blow jobs. Either way, I get left out. If I tell him that I'm not getting anything out of our sex life than I'm just "bitching all the time about sex" and "he could last longer for me if we had sex more often" (by the way, that is an impossibility with a colicky, teething baby).
All this got worse when he decided to buy a vibrator. I figured it would be an occassional play thing, but he wants to use it on me all the time, never actually making love to me any more. We either sixty nine with him using it on me, or he uses it on me then wants a blow job after I get off.
And every time he uses it, he tells me later that the only way he can get me off is to use a vibrator on me.
What is a girl to do when her husband doesn't want to put forth the effort to give her an orgasm during sex and complains when she gets off with the vibrator he bought and uses on her? I mean I feel so guilty everytime I get off because he complains that he can't please me, but he never actually tries to please me. In six months I have had a grand total of 10 orgasms. He gets at least three a week.
Should I roll over and play dead like they say women do after marriage or should I keep trying? (And for that matter, do women stop wanting sex after marriage because their husbands stop trying to please them?)
The sexually frustrated housewife
Dear Sarah L,
BOY do I hear you!!! After pregnancy so many things can just go all wonky with sex and sexual desire. I myself was in my third trimester and hornier then I don’t know what.. and my husband was really freaked out over sex. “It” was too close to the baby, was his argument.. lol! Still, no matter who you are, sex is an issue that if not discussed can get really really bad.
The thing is, I personally don’t think that people can ever talk enough about their sexual wants with their partner. It’s not a matter of who is doing what right or wrong. It’s about mutual pleasure and what we need in order to feel “whole” in our lives.
Definitely keep talking to your husband. Try not to take a negative spin on the talks (like that you haven’t gotten off from him is really dampering), but play up the positives (like how you feel when he kisses you, and how good his touch is to you. And you know what, you just might have to fake it a few times. Why? Because right now he is discouraged and needs to know that his effort is worth something. Sure, it will relate to you being all ready to go and feeling not at all satisfied. But deal. It is for the betterment of your relationship right now. I normally don’t tell people to fake it… but this guy needs an ego boost, and you need the proper loving. So in order to get that, you need to either “prep” before getting into it… or fake it so that his confidence returns and the vibrator takes a back seat. Then things will start to be a little better.
One thing I will ask though, is have you thought maybe he bought the vibrator for a different reason? Sometimes men find the adjustments after a baby is born really hard.. and he might not even realize (could be his subconscious) that he bought a sexual device that is unable to impregnate. In short, he’s afraid to knock you up again. Very real possibility of that, and you should talk about that too. Because if he is afraid to climax because of that reason.. you will have to talk about your wants with regard to more kids and birth control and all that stuff. And maybe that is the only issue.
Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!