"What's The Real Deal?"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...


Dear Aunt Babz,

I met Kate during a trip to L.A. this past March. We met while in line to be in a television show audience. (Actually, it was the Ellen show!) We ended up chatting for hours while in line. Anyways… I was in town with my family just for the weekend, and she was living there for work for a few months. She ended up offering my family & I a ride to the airport the next day.

We had exchanged phone numbers and sent texts to each other asking ‘how are you?’ and whatnot (nothing much at all) over the course of the rest of the spring, and then the summer. More and more texts were exchanged, and in August, right after she broke up with her girlfriend, she randomly invited me to her house in Austin for a pool party. (Luckily I can fly for free because my mom works for American Airlines).

At the pool party, we all ended up drinking, and that night, Kate asked me to sleep in her bed. We ended up fooling around, but did not have sex. She initiated it all. We cuddled and sleep together in her bed.

Over the course of the next few months, I began visiting nearly every other weekend. We began calling each other several times a day, and having very long phone conversations…sometimes going on as long as two or more hours. I even had my mother put her on her flight benefits list so that she could fly for very cheap.

One night, after fooling around, she asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. I told her no. She told me she wasn’t either and hadn’t been.

In October, she invited me to her cousins’ big Halloween party in Louisiana. We flew together there, slept in her cousins’ spare bedroom bed together (cuddled, no sex), and had a wonderful time in general.

When she drives me to the airport, sometimes she puts her hand on my thigh or hold my hand. She never kisses me goodbye, just hugs.

We still talk every single day, and when we aren’t on the phone with each other, we text a lot.

Now here is the PROBLEM. One day, I texted Kate and told her that I regretted not having kissed her when I said goodbye at the airport (thinking that she’d say something to the same effect back.) She responded by saying that I could have kissed her, but that she is NOT on the market for “something serious.” I responded telling her I really like her, or something like that.

In November, Kate invited me to an early Thanksgiving dinner at her family’s house (a week prior to the real Thanksgiving). I said yes, and in turn, invited her also to my family’s Thanksgiving. I ended up going with her, and I met her parents and sister and all that jazz. She turned down my invitation because she had to go to her grandparents for the real Thanksgiving.

One night we were fooling around and she said, “You realize I’m going to have to stop.” (Meaning she wasn’t going to have sex with me, just fool around only). I told her this is something we should talk about. I asked her what “serious” means to her, she said “no commitment” and “more recently, I guess, no sex.” (Her and I do fool around quite heavily, and make out, and all that kinda stuff, but never have actually had full-on sex with each other.)

I asked Kate the next day if she would prefer to just be friends (and I mentioned that we aren’t always very “friendly” with each other, meaning that we go above and beyond that…). She said that “friends is best” and that lots of times when people drink, they fool around. And that’s another time, every single time we have ever really fooled around, we have always have some amount of alcohol before that. We aren’t usually DRUNK, just have lower inhibitions.

Kate’s best friend / cousin who I’ve met and hung out with many times as well, told me that Kate adores me, but isn’t really ready for a relationship. And that I should “give her some time.”

Kate and I still talk EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE times a day. AND text like crazy. We call to tell each other anytime anything funny or big or serious happens in our lives. We plan trips together, and talk about what sorts of things we should do in the future, (example: camping, Europe trip, etc).

One time we had a conversation and she said that she does not want to sleep with multiple people, and she just wanted to make sure I knew that. She asked me if I was into that, and I said no.

She just claims that in the past she has “jumped into relationships” and is “opposed” to doing that again. She said she isn’t ready for one right now. She says that I’m “adorable.” She kisses me and holds me whenever I sleep over. She asks me big deep questions and shows a serious interest in my life and my dreams and goals, etc.

BUT I have heard her say many confusing and conflicting things. Once when she was drinking I heard her say, “IF I was single…” Yet another time, I overheard her say, “I’m not REALLY in a relationship.” And still another time she told me that a friend asked her if she had a girlfriend, and she said no.

I am SO CONFUSED. I thought after four months of visiting her, sleeping in her bed, meeting her family, talking to her several times daily, confiding in her, kissing her, fooling around with her, holding her while she slept, etc. we were girlfriends… But I guess I’m wrong?

If she says “friends is best” should I tell her that when I visit again, I cannot sleep in her bed, nor make out or fool around with her, or anything like that? Should I ask her what “girlfriend” means to her?

WHAT SHOULD I DO???

I am falling in love with her and I thought she felt the same, and she tells me four months into dating that she is not looking for anything serious. But I think that everything I have mentioned above is enough criteria to be considered her girlfriend, no? Except the sex part. But we DO fool around heavily, and nearly have sex all the time. To me, sex is extra. A relationship is more about the connection and the emotions. Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m SO confused and I would REALLY appreciate any advice you could provide.

Thanks SO much.

-Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,

So far, I feel you've been extremely patient, possibly, more than most. But I get an over all feeling, that some serious head games are being played here. Control and manipulation, also come to mind.

Kate may very well have really good reasons, for her behavior but it still doesn't sit well. It's quite possible that Kate has been seriously burned, in the past and feels the need to wear an Asbestos Suit? I mean, we have to respect her feelings and I believe you have but none of this has been very fair to you and it's got you in knots. It must be terribly difficult to go through the motions and emotions, thus far, you've had to endure.

At this juncture, in this game, I ask you, truly, what do you have to lose, if you open up a bit more and reveal the truth to her? The truth being, telling her that you care for her beyond friendship. The truth is also that she's sending out mixed signals, in the name of friendship.

I've been very close to girlfriends, in the past. I have found myself, in a similar situation where we crossed the line, usually, under the influence. Of course, it quite often changed the components of our friendship, as it always will.

Even if Kate doesn't mean to be manipulating, she most certainly is and shows clear signs of being very controlling. She seems, to keep you at arms length, pulls you close and then pushes you back. She's either a very messed up individual, for whatever reason or she's calculating and is methodically orchestrating this whole scenario. Only you can answer this question???

Taking Back Control

Just as there are different levels of love, there are also varying degrees of friendship. But quite honestly, you have to ask yourself, really, do good friends mess around, as you have? Sure, shit happens but over and over? No, most friends do not sleep together, even if it's only everything but the actual act of orgasm. Honestly, I do believe if you took a poll and you asked people if friends mess around, they'd say, "NO." Of course, ever person and every friendship is different and there are no rules which actually define your relationships. Only you can define friendship and I do believe you'd not be writing me, if you weren't perplexed and looking for that friendship definition, yourself.

I have the distinct feeling that Kate has many secrets. I am not implying that she's deceptive or out and out dishonest. However, I do feel she has conveniently omitted parts of her life or rather reasons for her behavior. Although it's not unusual for someone to want to take things slowly, to be cautious and even to make the statement that they don't want to get into, "something serious," I think it's high time to take back control.

Alright, you can stay in limbo land forever or you can ask yourself, "Do I really want to play this game?" As I said before, you have nothing to lose by revealing some or all of your feelings and emotions, at this point. You certainly do not have any semblance of a real relationship, if she can't even say you are her girlfriend. Being her girlfriend doesn't commit you to forever but it does say what you mean to each other. Is it not time for some definition here?

I always tell my clients, the best way to communicate some of your deepest emotion is on paper, by writing a letter. If you feel this is too impersonal, I recommend crib notes, when you make the call. I would simply say, that at this point, you feel she wants a commitment from you by asking you if you are sleeping with anybody? What if you said yes, you were sleeping with other people, would that upset her? In turn, it is within your right, to ask for some definition as to how you both really feel. It doesn't have to have a "Serious," label, to command some definition, either. I mean you can tell her that you are not asking her to marry you, it's just that you really care about her, enough to ward off any other relationships, out of loyalty to what? Is it loyalty to friendship? If it is just friendship, you do not commit to that person. I think she has, in so many words and innuendo's, asked you to commit, yet holds you at bay. You know it too, don't you? Tell her you're not asking her to move in or marry but you feel she owns your heart. Now, what will you do with my heart?

She must care for you or she'd not invite you to family affairs and so on. Beyond the friendship, you've behaved as a couple, when it's been convenient for her. I think it's safe to say, you have a right to definition and simply stated, you ask her, out and out, if she cares enough to let you in on her big secret; Her real feelings.

On the flip side, she may be struggling with Lesbian situations? It's a possibility that she will not go all the way because she might think it's wrong? There's a lot of religious junk, people can often go through, in their struggle to be true to themselves. I as well as my own son, have struggled with the ramifications of a gay lifestyle and so on. Is it wrong? Is it against what God wants for me? Having said this, I must say that I believe that God made us, he knows our heart and being gay is as natural to us, as it is to hetero's. I think the problem, as far as religion goes, is in the blatant deviance. I do not feel God likes us just going out on Friday and Saturday nights just to hook up and score. But that goes for everybody, not just the Gay community. So, ask yourself, is this a possibility, that she is having a hard time to grips with her sexuality?

I think you need to communicate and have a serious conversation, making it clear that you care, enough to question the magnitude of your relationship. Tell her, it's time to show her cards and although she owes you nothing, you care enough to ask, "What's The Real Deal?" You owe it to yourself, remember this!

It's A Matter of Trust

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

HI MY NAME IS NICOLE. I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW. HIS NAME IS JAMES. WE HAVE A 1 YR OLD BABY TOGETHER. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN KINDA ROCKY THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS AND ALOT OF IT HAS TO DO WITH ME. I FOUND OUT A COUPLE YEARS THAT JAMES WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN. HE SAID HE WAS BI. WE CONTINUED OUR RELATIONSHIP TILL NOW. I HAD SOMEWHAT DISTANCED MYSELF AWAY FROM HIM BECUASE I WAS SCARED. NOW HE TELLS ME THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE SOMETHING WITH ME AGAIN AND I DIDNT LET HIM SO HE MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETHER SO ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DEAL WITH. HE IS TALKING TO A MAN NOW. I HAD FINALLY REALIZED THAT I LOVE THIS PERSON AND THAT I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM. HE SAYS HE WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE BUT HE IS GOING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES ALONG. OUR SEX LIFE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. WE HAD BEEN TALKING THE LAST WEEK ABOUT US. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ODD BECUASE HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US HAVE A DAUGHTER TO AND THAT HAPPENED. THE ONLY THING IM LOST ON IS HIS SEXUALITY. HE SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH A MAN, BUT HE ALSO SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME IF WE WORK THINGS OUT. HE SAYS HE INTENDS TO HAVE GAY FRIENDS. BUT HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE WANTS A CONNECTION WITH SOMEBODY WHETHER ITS A MAN OR WOMEN. I DONT KNOW IF HES TRULLY GAY OR IF HE BI. HE SAYS HE FINDS MEN REALLY ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SAYS HE COULD MARRY ME IF WE WORK ON IT. CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INPUT ON WHAT YOU THINK?
THANKS
NICOLE

Dear Nicole,

My first instinct and thoughts are that you must not settle. You mention that the sex is great but out of a 24 hour period, how much of that time is spent in the bed, huh? You must also enjoy the company of your lover/husband. Now, you may very well have just failed to mention, that you enjoy his company? But first and foremost, your man must also be your best friend and someone you can trust.

Trust comes in many forms and fashion. Trust can mean, that you trust him with your very life. Trust can also mean that you trust that he will not hurt you, once you've invested your heart, with him. Of course, can you trust him to be loyal and monogamous? In this day and age, you sleep with whomever he sleeps with, get my drift. I have many friends with HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C, including myself, my dead husband and my second husband, so don't think it can't happen to you.

My advice to you, is to make your feelings known that if you two do hook up, you must be able to trust him, as you have far too much to lose. I also would like you to really look at your real relationship; Is it a fancy? Is it really love or infatuation or lust? Make sure you know the difference before you commit.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Oh Baby"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz

Greetings, I hope this message finds you in good health and happy.

A little background information might make it a little easier to understand my plight, so...I'm a 22 year old stay at home mom married just 8 months, with a 3 month old daughter. I was 4 months pregnant when I married my husband, and yes he is the biological father of my daughter.

Pregnancy had taken it's toll on me, making it impossible to have sex through the first trimester due to hormones. Hence we went from making love several times a day in an attempt to get pregnant, to not at all because I was sick so much.

Then in my third trimester, he ceased to want me. Whether it was due to my growing size or some other reason, I'm not sure, but sex when it did happen was short and with out satisfaction from my aspect. Thus, our sex life became nothing more than my giving him hand and blow jobs.

So I hoped things would get better after the baby was born but we have always been warned it takes time to get things right, so "go slow, make it more like a courtship" but he has expressed no interest in making it like that at all. He either wants to get in, get off and get to sleep or he wants hand and blow jobs. Either way, I get left out. If I tell him that I'm not getting anything out of our sex life than I'm just "bitching all the time about sex" and "he could last longer for me if we had sex more often" (by the way, that is an impossibility with a colicky, teething baby).

All this got worse when he decided to buy a vibrator. I figured it would be an occassional play thing, but he wants to use it on me all the time, never actually making love to me any more. We either sixty nine with him using it on me, or he uses it on me then wants a blow job after I get off.

And every time he uses it, he tells me later that the only way he can get me off is to use a vibrator on me.

What is a girl to do when her husband doesn't want to put forth the effort to give her an orgasm during sex and complains when she gets off with the vibrator he bought and uses on her? I mean I feel so guilty everytime I get off because he complains that he can't please me, but he never actually tries to please me. In six months I have had a grand total of 10 orgasms. He gets at least three a week.

Should I roll over and play dead like they say women do after marriage or should I keep trying? (And for that matter, do women stop wanting sex after marriage because their husbands stop trying to please them?)

Sincerely

Sarah L

The sexually frustrated housewife

Dear Sarah L,

BOY do I hear you!!! After pregnancy so many things can just go all wonky with sex and sexual desire. I myself was in my third trimester and hornier then I don’t know what.. and my husband was really freaked out over sex. “It” was too close to the baby, was his argument.. lol! Still, no matter who you are, sex is an issue that if not discussed can get really really bad.

The thing is, I personally don’t think that people can ever talk enough about their sexual wants with their partner. It’s not a matter of who is doing what right or wrong. It’s about mutual pleasure and what we need in order to feel “whole” in our lives.

Definitely keep talking to your husband. Try not to take a negative spin on the talks (like that you haven’t gotten off from him is really dampering), but play up the positives (like how you feel when he kisses you, and how good his touch is to you. And you know what, you just might have to fake it a few times. Why? Because right now he is discouraged and needs to know that his effort is worth something. Sure, it will relate to you being all ready to go and feeling not at all satisfied. But deal. It is for the betterment of your relationship right now. I normally don’t tell people to fake it… but this guy needs an ego boost, and you need the proper loving. So in order to get that, you need to either “prep” before getting into it… or fake it so that his confidence returns and the vibrator takes a back seat. Then things will start to be a little better.

One thing I will ask though, is have you thought maybe he bought the vibrator for a different reason? Sometimes men find the adjustments after a baby is born really hard.. and he might not even realize (could be his subconscious) that he bought a sexual device that is unable to impregnate. In short, he’s afraid to knock you up again. Very real possibility of that, and you should talk about that too. Because if he is afraid to climax because of that reason.. you will have to talk about your wants with regard to more kids and birth control and all that stuff. And maybe that is the only issue.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!
~Xmichra

The Parent Trap

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. When we first met he was great at doing all the little romantic things for me, but soon that was over. I figured he was getting comfortable in the relationship and we talked about it; not long after he changed and started again. From that moment on I thought that we would be together forever.

The problem that I have is that in this whole time he has been telling me that he is going to meet my family. The first few months was a no-brainer because I had just got with him, and I didn't want to introduce him to my family if he wasn't going to be the one. When I told him that I wanted him to meet my family, about 6 months into our relationship, he said, okay. Since we had talked before and he had followed through on his word I had no reason to doubt him. Well, one thing always comes up when its time to meet my family, he's not feeling good about the way he looks is the main one. Now, 2 years and 3 months later he promised me that he would meet them on Thanksgiving Day, and when he found that he wouldn't be able to be with his family he said he didn't want to meet them. I have told him that if he wants to be in my life he has to let my family in too. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

Manny G

Dear Manny,

Well it sounds to me like this guy is really afraid of the parents huh?? Some people are like that, and they do need to do things in their own time. But I feel that you have been very reasonable with allowing a lot of time to pass already.

Do you live with your boyfriend?? Because if you do, then this is a long stretch to have not met the parents. I mean, I can see it if you live in another state or something. But two years is something I would qualify as a serious relationship… and that should definitely warrant an intro to the parents.

I would do with this situation the same as you had done with the small romantic things conversation. Sit him down, and explain the importance to you that he meets your parents. That it is important for the both of you as a couple, and that it is important to your family. If he is worried about his appearance, you will definitely want to boost his ego too. Not ridiculously so that it is unbelievable. But saying things that are reassuring, like “I love you” daily, and telling him that your parents will love him because of the way he treats you, and telling your parents nothing but glowing things about him. Those things will make a huge difference in a guy who is uneasy because of his looks, playing up on his best qualities and making him aware that you want him for him. That will be good.

But in the mean time, you need to figure out If there is another reason or obstacle that he is reluctant to meet your parents. Did something happen with you two in the past that wasn’t so good? Do you speak well of him to your parents?? These questions will help you to understand his point of view.. that is if this actually applies. If none of that sounds like it has any bearing, then do the above-mentioned things and give it a little more time. You love the guy, and he loves you. Like I said before, some people are just weirded out by meeting the parents. He’ll come around, especially with a little encouragement from you.

Good luck, and let us know how you do!

~Xmichra

Taking Control; "Hitler is Dead."

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,
Hello:)
I'm going to apologise in advance for such a long email.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 7 months now. It has been a VERY long journey. I am 21 year old retired sucessful model/actress. When I first met my boyfriend my Playboy issue had just come out. I told him I model and act and that it is difficult to hold a relationship because most men are uncomfortable with the fact that I sometimes do nudity in movies and Ive done Playboy (Ive never done porn, just hollywood motion pictures with frontal nudity.) He said he was okay with it after I pre-warned him about my career, so we decided to commit. With the industry came alot of promotions and partys and I got mixed in with the drug crowd. My boyfriend has never done drugs and comes from a very stable family. Me on the other hand,am the opposite,I've STARTED doing cocaine with my father since age 13, moved out at 16 to clean up and fell back into the hole because of my industry at age 19. I dabbled here and there and one month in our relationship I had to go to a crew and cast party and my boyfriend gave me a curfew of
1:00a.m. I screwed up and did drugs all night and didnt come home until the next day. My boyfriend wasnt having it, so he packed up my things and told me to leave. I cried and begged for forgiveness and told him GLADLY that I'd NEVER do it again! Since then I've been completely sober, no drugs, no alchohol, no cigarettes. Now comes the inspector, he started to google me online to see where my modeling pictures were being posted, checking up my work emails asking which who these male models were, putting history on my chatting devices to spy on any of my conversations, asking for my passwords to all my emails, making me delete my accounts,telling me I can not go clubbing anymore, he made me change my phone number so males can't contact me, freakimg out if I dont answer my phone when he calls, told me nudity isn't allowed for my work any longer, he use dhis friends accounts on site he wasn't a part of to see what other people were saying to me and what I was replying to them in return. I put up with it because I knew I had nothing to hide, it was painful but I felt if he saw that there was nothing wrong he'd stop.. but he didn't. I tell him what sites I'm on and gave him all my passwords. He made me delete some accounts, one of which was facebook. On day I got a call from him saying "are you hiding something from me?" I clearly stated "no" over and over untile he came out and said "I thought you deleted your facebook account??!?!?!" I started crying and said I did over and over. He called me a liar and said he was looking at my new account right now. I said that that was impossible unless someone downloaded my pics and is pretending to be me. I went online to check up on what he was claiming to be my new account. It ended up being a fan page people made of me and my photos and it wasnt an account at all. He appologized but then justified it by saying atleast he found out that people are posting my pictures. He made me get in touch with the host and made them take down the fan page. As you probably already guessed, I eventually had to quit acting and modeling all together. So now I have no career at the moment but I start make-up school in a few weeks to start my new career. I have three friends who are all married females and family when before my phone was ringing off the hook with demands of people wanting to see me. He said I need to pick out the weeds (males, druggies, clubbers, promoters, models, actors) and keep the positive flowers (women, family, and married people) which I am fine with except for the fact that I don't know if he is making me do thjis because I can't be trusted or because he wants me to better my life. I used to be quite the messy girl but now I have to have my place ALWAYS in tip top shape, to his standards or we won't go out for the weekend or he won't come over. I cook breakfast every morning for him, fix a lunch for him for work and have dinner ready for him when he gets home. I get in trouble if i sleep in and I get called lazy. He makes me have a list of things to do, clean, read etc. so I keep myself busy through out the day. See the thing is, everything he tells me to do, I am happy to be doing because theyre all positive. Im so happy that I'm sober, I am excited to start school, I love cooking for him and a clean house makes anyone feel great but I feel like its never enough. He's always guiding me and telling me what to do. My family is very wealthy, so I was brought up by nannys and maids,so I never had a proper up bringing. My parents divorced when I was young and my father owned a bunch of night clubs and a construction company and my mother owned a high end fashion clothing store which she travelled for more often than not. My boyfriend comes from a very well put together, happy brady bunch family, so I don't know if his descepline is controlling or normal. I want to please him very much so, I love him with all my heart and he's smart, successful but lately I feel he's been too hard on me. I've expressed this to him but he claims he's just being a "good guy". He can be harsh in his tone with his demands. I cry often because I feel like I'm not doing enough and he feels unsatisfied with me. I try very hard to keep him happy but he seems more dissapointed than not even though he does state from time to time that Ive come a long way. I cry more often than not and feel like a puppet even though the puppateer is only making me do good things. He goes out and drinks with his friends at clubs and such and I guess that's okay, in any other relationship that would never bother me but because Im told not to do so I guess I feel it's unfair a bit, even though he feels he has reason to say I'm not allowed to do these things because I've proven I can not be trusted otherwise. He is 7 years older than me, conservative, serious, hard working, very into money making and saving and building a well strutured future. I'm beautiful, free spirited,a flower child, always kind, always smiling and laughing, helping others, giving to charities, loved by all, all over the map,never by the book, always with good intentions kind of girl. He used to say he loved the way I am because I brought out his fun side, a way he hasen't felt since age 16. We would go sky diving, and go on random trips last minute, we were so free and beautiful. Now I feel like a scolded puppy in training. Theres so much more Id like to say but I know you don't want to read a novel. Thank you soooooooo much for taking the time out of your day to help me know whether my boyfriends controlling or just a nice guy.

Dear Friend,

It’s conflicting when you have this path that you want to be on and someone appears to be so supportive. But really, this is control, not support.

You and I have completely different life stories, but on this one I can 100% understand what you are going through.

When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was a really nice guy. But he was overbearingly controlling. He limited who I could and couldn’t talk too. He forbid me to drink or smoke because I was ‘too good for that shit’. He monitored where I went, how I dressed, who I was going to see, when I placed phone calls, everything. And I took it for over a year and a half.

Why? I have no idea. I just know that in that point in my life I thought I was going into a downward spiral. I came from a family where things were pretty messy most of the time, but I was loved and told that no matter what not to let any person control me. And still, with this background of reassurance and influence I was in a relationship where I was no longer me.

Sure, the things that I was ‘made to do’ weren’t’ bad at all. But it wasn’t ME making the decisions. And I felt like I was trying so hard to please someone who would never love me if he knew the evil thoughts I would have. Like wanting to go to a party, or light a smoke.

And soon after the one year mark I decided that I had had enough of always pretending and I wanted to go see my friends that I hadn’t talked to in so long. I fabricated a whole story and made it so that he would never find out. I went out, got truly loaded, drugged up, smoking like mad and was out all night. It was such a great release.. and if there was ever any thought of me being wild before.. dear gods that was tame to this night. I was so into the moment that I completely lost control of myself, to a point that I would have never been if it were my regular party life.

Of course he found out, and of course it was awful. And that was the first time that he hurt me. He pushed me so hard I fell down the stairs and broke a rib and fractured my elbow.

He was crying and saying things like “why did you do this? You know that I don’t want to hurt you! Why did you do this and make me the monster? This isn’t me, this is you!”

And I foolishly believed him. And the reasoning was that I did disobey him. I was in the wrong. And I was feeling like the reckless half of what would have been a great relationship.

I won’t go to much into the rest of that relationship. Suffice to say it ended very shortly after that, and to this day I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. But I wanted to tell you this so that you knew that what I am about to tell you is so much of the truth that it still pains me to tell you.

The guy that you are with loves “you”. And it’s a problem, because he doesn’t love the real you. He loves the trained puppy that he is making, and regardless on who stupid this sounds, he loves the challenge. He wants his hot pin up girl and doesn’t want to share. This would be true even if you weren’t successful, but it is more evident because you are.

If he were really in love with you then he would be supportive, not demanding. He would help you seek help for your drug addiction, and would encourage you to do other movies and what not.. instead of nudity (which is what I am guessing you don’t want to do. There is no shame in doing them though, so wipe your head of that).

There is nothing in this world like taking complete control of your life, and being in a relationship that is both healthy and understanding. And I am sorry, but you are doing neither.

You should be celebrating the successes that you have had (like being sober, and going to school) and you should be able to express that with the reaction of joy and delight. Not crying and wanting to be somewhere else. Not groveling for approval.

You asked if he was a good guy. He very well might be. But he isn’t too you. And since there has been so long of a pattern here, I am extremely doubtful that you two will be able to make things work. He clearly doesn’t trust you, and you clearly feel like a caged bird. And that will not change. Not even with the best of therapy I would be willing to wager. And why do I say this? Because you still think that you are doing something wrong just for having a past and wanting to do things with your life. And it won’t be until you have asserted your power over your own life that you will find a sense of hope and be able to make the decisions in your life that don’t break your heart.

Your boyfriend is controlling, and you are more then letting him.

My advice? Get out. Get out now, and still do the things that you are doing to make your life go where you want. Go to school, be drug free, clean up after yourself, cook your own meals. But do this all for you, not for another person. And if you need a support network, I am more then sure that we can find something if we know the area that you live in (we would keep that strictly confidential, and do not require your name to find you support).

You can be the woman you want to be, but knowing what is going on right now I know that this will not end well for you. Or for him. So take control of your life, and let yourself feel free.

~Xmichra

Aunt Babz Said...

I do believe he probably has standards, he feels you need to adhere to. They may be good standards values and principles but he can not force them upon you. His approach is all wrong and it will continue as long as you allow it.

All the good intentions in the world can not be forced upon you as it only breeds resentment. It's the same with addiction. You can't get clean for anybody but yourself or you will harbor resentment until that point where you make the decisions to change your life and your attitude on yourself...Continued...

I do apologize for the delay in answering your question, my Dear Friend. In all actuality, I was having a hard time, pulling together what I wanted to say here. I still am but will attempt to address this issue.

It all comes down to the "Respect Factor." He must respect you as a peer, colleague, best friend, good friend or it just won't work. In other words, ask him, if the manner he speaks to you, is the same manner, tone or presentation, he would have/use with his boss or friend, whatever? If it's not, he needs to ask himself, where he derives the sense that you need his tutor, mentoring and fathering? You must make it clear that at all times, he must address you just as he would anyone else. You must make it clear that nothing else will work, from this day forward. You will not be talked down to, no matter what he feels he needs to teach you. You must now take away that controlling factor and never tolerate it again. Then and only then, will you get the message.

The message is one thing. Preaching is another. Make it clear that you'll go to church for the preaching, you don't need it in your home. Refuse to swallow it. Stop playing the martyr for the cause of your relationship and simply state that it is just not tolerated. I kind of see that you've dug yourself, a big hole, painted yourself into a corner, without even realizing it. See, people will only do and say what they feel they can, especially if it's basically inappropriate. By inappropriate, I mean, he has no business telling you what you "have" to do with a MySpace or Facebook account. He can discuss his dislikes concerning the situation but to act like a Nazi on the subject and to make you feel so badly, you would cry, is completely inappropriate.

The important issue here, that you need to look at, is, again, that "Respect Factor." All things revolve around to and fro concerning respect. I think you've both confused being submissive and maybe even timid with being told what to do. When you respect someone, you don't "tell" them what to do, as you have no right and you realize it. No, in a healthy relationship, your partner may suggest and express their feelings on a subject and if it's within reason, you're most likely going to bend and maybe concede to their wish. But if he comes at you like Hitler, demanding this, forbidding that, asserting this and then telling you what your opinion on the matter is, well it will eventually only bring about resentments. You will, like a tea kettle, simmer along for a minute but the next thing you know, you've blown your whistle and it ain't pretty. I don't even think you've blown that whistle yet. Instead choosing to internalize it all, you take offense and you end up crying and hurt by it all. Hitler is dead...you need to remind him of this.

In conclusion, from this moment on, I want you to pay attention and begin to realize a few things. I want you to notice how he speaks to his mates/friends/buddies. I'm quite sure he does not talk down to them. They'd first tell him to take a hike but they just wouldn't remain friends, now would they? He must treat you with the same decorum and respect as he would anyone else.

Secondly, he can only do and behave a certain way, if you allow it. You have conditioned him to treat you as he has. You are actually in control here, if you choose to be. Yes, believe it or not! Many men behave a certain way, because they know they can. Because they can, they will and you'll find they will always exercise that privilege. But they can only do to you what you allow. Tell him, "Hitler is Dead."

Sense and Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 16 year old girl and I am in love with a 23 year old girl. She's funny and she's immature and at the same time she's mature. I know I'm dealing with two different taboos here but I can't help it. I haven't told her how I feel but I've told my friends and they're very supportive and I've told my mom and she doesn't have a problem with it either. Everyone likes Shanna. We're really close friends and I've known her forever it seems like. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. She's my best friend. I met her when I was 13. At that time all I ever did was sit in front of the radio in the kitchen and think about suicide. Everyone ignored me and no one really knew who I was. Everyone always said "Kasey? Sure she's like "this" or "that." and no one ever really saw me. Even my own family ignored me most of the time unless they wanted something. The thing I remember most about meeting Shanna is that instead of looking through me or around me she looked straight at me. She saw me when no one else did or would. She saw me when I was the most invisible girl in the whole world. I've known, really and truly known I was in love with her for about a year now but I haven't been able to tell her for several reasons. First, she is older than me and I don't want her to get in trouble if we did date. Second, we have such a good friendship I'm scared I might ruin it. Third, I don't know if we're allowed to be together even if my mom says it's okay. I live in Nebraska and I'm not sure what the laws are. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. She's the only person that I confide in fully and completely trust. I don't know where else to turn so I need to know. Are we allowed to be together now? Or do I have to wait? And if I do have to wait, then how long does it have to be? When are we legally allowed to be together? Should I tell her how I feel? Please help me. Please?

Dear Friend,

I can immediately tell that you are a passionate, deep thinker. Besides this, I feel you are rather mature for your age, wise in many ways, far beyond your years.

You may very well be on the same intellectual level as the girl's who's stolen your heart? The concern, of course, as you know, is the legalities of this situation. Yes, it may be an uncomfortable situation, if you bring it up? It may very be a set up for a let down?

Here's the link for CoolNurse.com, where you may find your state and consensual sex laws, for your state. According to her chart, for Nebraska, it says that the consensual law for your state is 17 and as far as the issue of male/female it says;
"Law invalidated." I'm not quite sure what that means?

I am suggesting, that you read her entries on this subject, get out of it what you can and apply what is applicable. After you've read this, I would do some soul searching. You obviously have, to a certain extent or you'd have not written me, right? But I do understand your dilemma and uncertainty, as to how you should proceed.

I do believe, love is love and it can't be shut up, shut down or denied. I guess what I'm saying is that, while I can't encourage you to behave in an unlawful manner, possibly you can make your feelings known, a little at a time. Subtle innuendo, body language and so forth, speak volumes as to how you feel for her. She'll either get it or step back. While I realize that you fear rejection or even worse, ruining your friendship, how can you continue to deny your feelings? I think you take baby steps, bide your time, till your 17th Birthday and as I said before, you hint to her, just how much she means to you.

I have the feeling, if you handle this, in an adult manner, look at it carefully and weigh the odds, you can't go wrong. What I mean is this; This can and will be a win/win situation. You must simply be prepared for every aspect of the outcome. What are the eventualities of this scenario? She could do several things, including tell you that she's not into that type of thing? She could tell you that she only wants to be friends? She could tell you that she doesn't feel the same way about you, as in she's not in love with you? She could tell you that while she does care greatly about you, she's not willing to place herself in jeopardy, concerning the legal ramifications of dating a younger woman? (If it were me, I'd worry/contemplate that if I broke up with you, you could use the situation to your advantage, against me and have me charged with statutory rape, as I've seen this happen, time and time again!) She could tell you, "Hey, let's wait till you're 17 and then we'll date?"

Now, there's just a few examples of what could happen. I somehow doubt that she will be angered or rip up your friendship, if you convey your true feelings. See, I don't believe you'd have a friend or care for someone so very deeply, if they were the insensitive and non caring type. She may very well, tell you that she wants to just remain friends, no harm, no foul. But if you look at every single thing, every angle, every possibility, weigh it all out, look at it real good, sensibly, fairly and intelligently, you have just diffused, taken away it's power to hurt you. Be prepared for anything and realize that the eventuality in all this is that she might not feel the same way. Right? Use your power of deducement, sense and sensibility and you'll own the situation.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

* Knowing What’s Best for Baby *

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

dear aunt Babz,

I am wondering what to do about my boyfriend of 6 months, he is to possesive and always suspects that i am upto no good, we are in a long distance relationship so i to some extent understand, when we go out and he a guy looking at me he accuses me that i am involved with the guy,as a result this has always caused us to have major fights and have broken up many times and making up .

He keeps a record of all the fights that we have and he always brings them up. I honestly do not understand what his problem is since he is always trying to find fault with me.

His birthday was last month and i was expecting him home since he had communicated this, i therefore did not send him his gift since i wanted to give it to him in person. He did not take this well and said that the least i should have done was to send him a card.. After we spoke that night he said he will talk to me the next day.

He has kept quiet for over 2 weeks and the other day he sent a text to say that he does not want to be in this relationship any more.

I am dumbfounded and wonders how he could break up because of a simple birthday card.

I have not responded to him and i am honestly thinking that I will not be happy if ii continue to be in this relationship.The problem is I am 3 months pregnant with his baby .Please advice me on what to do.

Thanks

distressed mom to be

Dear Distressed Mom to Be,

I don’t think dumbfounded is an exaggeration on your part… especially since this guy was acting like a class A jerk.

I personally wouldn’t take another second of time wasted on this guy. Control freaks are mental when it comes to not being able to recognize their obsession, and they are way too unpredictable.

You are pregnant, which poses a bit of a question of weather you can make it without him. And I assure you, you can. In fact the worst possible thing you could do (in my opinion) is to let a child come into this distrustful and destructive relationship. See, a guy like this will fly off the handle over a birthday card. What’s going to happen when he has to change a diaper filled over with diarrhea? Or wake up at 3am because the baby is screaming? Or when you need a break and want time away from the house and the baby? I can tell you, it won’t be pretty.

Another point, is that if you guys keep breaking up and getting back together again.. well that is just not going to cut it when there is a child involved. That much instability will affect your child, and honestly isn’t healthy for you either.

If I were you I would cut my ties with this guy romantically and ask him to be a part of your child’s life. He is entitled to that much. But to continue down the road of on again/ off again and tantrums and control… that is way too much hassle for anyone let alone a Mom to be.

Let us know if you need help hooking up with a support group for single Moms, or anything else that we can help you out with okay?

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said...

I tend to agree with Xmichra on this. I would encourage you to cut the ties now, rather than continue in an unhealthy relationship. I've never read real medical documentation but I somehow feel that your child is affected by your demeanor during your pregnancy. If you're constantly scrutinized, picked apart and made to feel badly about yourself, I believe it will not be good for you or your baby.

I also agree with Xmichra, when she told you that you can do this by yourself. No one promises that life will be easy, ever but Happiness is surely a state of mind, my Dear. If you have to live in a small apartment and eat Ramen noodles and fruit till your ship comes in, you will believe and feel you are happy, no matter what. Or because you don't believe you can do this alone, you can force the situation with this guy. Yes, for forever you will have to answer for everything you don't do wrong, all the made up iniquities and insecurities he has and so on. He obviously has a low self-esteem and doesn't feel good about himself.

What I have found is this; When a guy portrays and acts like you are always fooling around, acting like you are fooling around or he is always accusing you of fooling around, I have found that it is almost a window to his own heart and behaviors, right there for the world to see. What I mean is that men like that don't realize it but at least I can see that when they are always accusing you, when you've done nothing to provoke it, you've done nothing really, to make them not trust you, it is a clear cut reflection of how they actually think. They figure since their mentality is to fool around, that you will do the same thing. Think about that. Yes, I'd be willing to place a bet on this one...he will not be faithful.

Cut the ties, move on, raise your baby in a healthy and happy home.

Semblence of Solvency

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My 25 year old daughter moved back home with my husband and me after living out-of-state for the past 2 years. She's working on her PhD and we agreed she could live with us for one year while she worked on her dissertation. Her target date to receive her degree is either Dec 2008 or May 2009. While we agreed on a $300/month rent, we did not draw up a formal lease like we did when she used to live with us. She has a part-time teaching job at a women's college and received some scholarship and grant monies so she does have income, albeit not a huge amount.

The problem is boundaries. She lives in the basement which is very spacious and private. She likes to nap in our living room on the main floor and watch TV in the kitchen while snacking. She doesn't straighten up the couch or the table after she's done and we find we wash up her dishes or put her things away because she gets very defensive and argumentative. She likes to get into arguments with her dad and can be very annoying with sing-song, baby talk, or talking inappropriately. For example, every day she'll say things like her "scallop reeks" (referring to her scalp) or that her stools are "fudgy" and that our dog is a "rancid-emu-piglet." For the most part her father ignores her. Because he's from another country, she likes to say things specifically to me that she knows he doesn't "get." Often she'll flap her arms and prance around obviously for the attention. We have a little dog she's fond of that she gets too close to until he growls.

When we've addressed our concerns and frustrations, she likes to drag out old issues. She will say we're picking on her, being hypercritical, or will mock us. You see, we dealt with problems with her behavior from the time she was 13 until 19 that required treatment which included meds, counseling and group homes. She was very resentful about what she had to endure and is still carrying around a lot of emotional baggage.

Her main diagnoses was anxiety,depression and low self-esteem, issues which I hoped she'd "grow out of." Her behavior was so explosive around 17 that we worried she'd even graduate from high school (so many of her friends dropped out). Well, she did and then some. She went to college, worked hard, got her bachelors, 2 masters and now is working towards her doctorate. We're very proud of her achievements but she insists on downplaying them and says we played and still play favorites with her older brother who is 30, married and a doctor.

When I suggest she pay for her own groceries ( those things only she likes to eat ) or pay for her own meals when we go out to eat, she gets upset and says she's not making much and that she's already paying us $300 she "can't afford" and that we didn't charge her brother while he was living at home and going to medical school. She makes a lot of excuses as to why she can't do this or that or seems to want us to feel guilty.

Now, her "Dr. Jekyll" side is when she goes out to her teaching job or visits colleagues because she dresses up nicely, acts appropriately, and writes brilliantly (she does book reviews and writes impressively). She's given lectures and participated in conferences. She has no deep friends at all and just hangs at home with us. I'm afraid that come next July she will say she's not gotten her degree yet and will want to extend her stay with us. I'm also afraid that our relationship is becoming more strained. Why don't I "evict" her? I guess part of me is afraid of her "dark evils" that are apparently still bothering her, problems she's never overcome. I've suggested she get counseling to deal with the anxieties and depression but she's convinced it's worthless. I don't want to push her over the edge but she's pushing us closer to ours.

"Losing Our Marbles."

Dear Losing Our Marbles,

I can feel the frustration level here, loud and clear. I think it's rather justified too, I might add. But even in situations, such as this, there are answers and compromise, to be found. Let's see if we can't find some semblance of solvency.

Have you ever noticed, quite often, that some of the most brilliant minds, have very little common sense? I can't fathom it but I see it every day, a million times over, a million examples. I don't know? You either have common sense or you don't? Then, I suppose, those of us with some common sense must often times, escort those, without, through life? Is your daughter one of those not blessed with good ol' common sense?

It sounds to me, that your daughter is certainly, a success, in many ways. I can tell you are very proud of her, rightfully so. It also sounds to me, that in some areas, her maturity level is lacking, though? At the same time, even you know her capabilities, concerning appropriate behavior. I mean, you've mentioned how well she presents, when in a studious fashion, business like and professional. So, it leaves me to believe that she behaves that way because she chooses to and feels she can. Maybe, somehow, we need to change her perception of what she can and can not do, at least whilst in your home.

Yes, let me remind you that it is your home and you are being generous, by allowing her to live there. We owe our children nothing but love, teaching of faith, values and beliefs, shelter and food, until such time as they become an adult. No, we don't owe them a college education or shelter costs, etc. or it'd be a law. Then, if it was a law, it'd be negligence, if we didn't send them or help out, concerning that education. My point is that, there's a strong possibility that she has a somewhat sense of entitlement, as to what you "owe" her. She obviously does not, realize the gift you have given, by trying to make it easier, on her, to obtain that education. Surely, she does not see, just how fortunate she is, to have that support. I employed many, many college students, struggling to make ends meet. I watched, first hand, as they had to juggle, almost full time positions and their education. So, how can we make her aware, of her good fortune and to appreciate it?

Pull Up Your Eyebrows

I'd like to slip in an awareness of perception, first though, an observation, I'd like you to look closely at and then we'll move on...

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it? It's not easy, living with anyone, not even your own spouse. Couple that with a daughter who walks on air, oblivious to her attitude, lack of good form and that good ol' common sense and you have the breeding ground for an all scale war, in the mix. You've come to the point where she's got on your last nerve with her baby talk, innuendo's and escalating argumentative attitude. But in all fairness, remember, if you are looking for fault, you will find it. Even if you don't mean to, everything she does at this point, probably drives you nuts. She's invaded your territory, rather sloppily, I might add and you may have to just address the whole shabang, in tandem. The building resentment is not healthy for you. Eventually, you'll say or do something, you may regret. Let's nip it in the bud.

I always write about putting your problematic prose on paper. Anytime I felt overwhelmed by a situation that I knew I would have difficulty addressing, I would begin to write it all down, how I felt, what I wanted from the situation and so forth. You have a captive audience and are able to say what needs to be said, with calculating accuracy. When you give the person the letter, all is said without you being cut off, from what you are trying to say, as well, the conflict is not escalated or made worse, right?

I would begin this letter, by making it very clear that you love your daughter and can not say just how proud you are of her. You'll make it clear to her, that this is why you are helping her because you want her to be successful. Then, you tell her that it is your duty as a Mother to inform her, to be honest and to say what needs to be said. I will remind you again, that this is your home. Your home has been disrupted by her behavior and lack of sensitivity to certain situations. You give her the basic requests, which are actually the ground rules but you've worded it in a manner that is not offensive or condescending, right? You'll let he know that she is an adult and must respect your home and be mindful of cleaning up after herself. It's the little things that can often matter and like wise, those little things can build big bonfires, if let go.

It's all a matter of respect. Mutual respect. No, you don't need to evict her just set the stage for how things will go in your home, that's it, that's all. Ask her how she would feel, if you came down and trashed her room or her home, left things strewn about, as if the maid was coming. It's just a clear cut case of a lack of respect. Then, you ask her if this was what she was trying to convey? If she does respect her Father and yourself, she'll be and behave in a respectful manner in your home.

On a final note, I would love to see you, walk away from at least some of that guilt, you carry, for your daughter. None of us have it great coming up. I was abused and I was not always a good Mother, myself. All we can do, is when we are made aware of something we've done wrong, either by their admission or our own, we will be big enough to apologize, a heart felt apology and learn from it. Be aware that she is using guilt to keep you in check. Don't let her do it anymore. You are doing both of you a huge disservice by allowing it to go on. It's not truthful emotion, it's not healthy and it's not fair. Your daughter needs to count her blessings and be grateful for what she has, has had and will have because of your sacrifice. Remember this.



Duty as mother is;