Dear Aunt B,
I am a 31 year old woman in a same-sex dating situation with a 34 year old woman. The lines of our relationship are very blurry. I guess you can say that the basis of our relationship is a good friendship, mixed with some physical intimacy. I really, really like this woman and I want to push our relationship to the next level. She likes me too, but says that she is not necessarily looking for a relationship at this time because she has been through a lot (separation from wife and their child, incarceration) and wants to focus on herself and her goals. I can respect this; I have accomplished a lot in terms of education/career so I am doing everything I can to help her to elevate herself and accomplish her goals as well. However, as we have been spending more and more time together my feelings for her have deepened. I know that she is spending time with and getting to know other women that she is attracted to because she has told me. I am a very sensitive/emotional person. I need security in my life. This situation is causing me a significant amount of stress and pain. It hurts me to know that while I am at home thinking about her, she is out with someone else. My fear is that she is using me as a kind of comfort/security blanket (someone to talk to for hours every day and be physically intimate with) while she is getting to know someone else. I am afraid that once she finds someone she really likes, she will drop me. What should I proceed? Your response is greatly appreciated.
It sounds to me like you two are in very different places. She is not wanting to settle down, and has no intention of doing so any time soon. And you are looking for something more serious and commitment.
It’s not a bad thing, to have given a relationship a try, but you need to recognize when it isn’t healthy for you any longer. And I think you know, that you are there.
She isn’t doing anything wrong, and she has been very honest with you... so you hang on waiting to see if she will change her mind and just be with you. But I really don’t think that is going to happen. She is in a place in her life where she wants to explore and be free. And there is nothing wrong with that, and she is doing very good by you telling you what she is ready for and not ready for.
But just because that is commendable and great to know... it doesn’t help you in the least. Unfortunately you need to figure out in your head if you want to settle for being a piece of her life, and not a whole. You need to figure that out, and figure out what you need and want in your life, because I know that you want way more, and it’s just not going to happen right now.. or maybe not ever.
Honestly, I would say close the chapter on this book. She isn’t doing anything wrong, but she isn’t what you need either. You will not feel happy in the current situation, and you need to have more. Recognize your needs and move forward.
I know that wasn’t what you wanted to hear... but I hope you have the courage to be true to yourself.
In my opinion: I think that the girl in question , has made it clear that shes not that into you. Its awful ,& hurts like hell, but I think you need to let her go. Just sayin ...
Blessings & Bliss,