Hi. I don't know what to do. I have been reading your stuff for a little while now and thought that you guys could help me. See i am just about to get married to the most perfect guy in the world. He treats me real good and is a hard worker. He is really nice and down to earth. I feel sometimes that we are not in the same place with sex though. Like he is good in bed but i like to play with things. and i like to watch him and me together. i want to be able to know that we can do things after we are married and not be boring but i don't know how to talk to him about this thing. And i cant talk to my sister or my mom because they are real religious and think i am a freak of nature or something. i don't know what to do now. please help!
Congrats on two things; Soon to be wed and wise enough to read real life answers and maybe a pinch of wisdom and words to live by. I already like you, haha!
First and foremost, communication is essential. Take a long hard look at that sentence.You must be able to communicate with your partner...on all levels.
Yes, sex is a pertinent issue but it should never make or break the relationship. However, let me make myself clear on what I just said; You have 24 hours in a day. Part of that is sleeping, part you're at work, part you're apart and hopefully your sex life will be there. But just how long does sex actually last? I mean even Barry White sings about making love for hours but who really does that?(I want to meet him!) But just to make sure, before you marry this fella, I want you to assess your time, out of the bedroom. You must be able to enjoy each others company, have things in common and especially be able to talk. You must be able to speak your mind, say what's on it and make yourself heard.
I can understand that you may feel a bit funny or shy away about bringing things up. Will he think you're a freak on a leash? Will he think you're some crazy, Kinky Sex Kitten? I somehow don't think that he will(he might even like it if you were?) and I'd be willing to say that most men would love a woman who is attentive and playful. Most men would love to have a gal that wants to experiment and maybe even take charge now and again. As well, I've never known a guy, to turn down the advances of his partner.
My suggestion to you, is to be playful and flirtatious. Have the intention there that you want to get him in the bed. Start out this way, you know taking the lead. See, how he reacts to this behavior. If he is amicable with it, next try introducing things, one by one. Maybe start with a carefully placed mirror, without it seeming intentional. Hell, move the dresser and mirror, directly across from the bed.
If you feel you can't do things this way, I suggest, in common conversation, mentioning an article you've read, saying something to the effect of, "I read in a magazine, that, statistically, couples who experiment and use toys, have the happiest and the longest lasting sex lives." Another approach would be to use a friend, even if it's an imaginary friend or co-worker and repeat a conversation that the both of you had. Mention that her husband brought home toys and how excited your friend was because she couldn't believe he'd gone to the trouble of doing that or something in this vein.
I think the important issue here is for you to just begin to do certain things, in the throws of hot monkey love. Most men are game for just about anything, once they've reached that certain point. You'll be able to tell just where that point is.
I am a great proponent of four play and obviously your guy doesn't realize that it often times is to his benefit. If you do nothing else, somehow come up with the chutzpah to read # 4 b., in the list below. Of course, you'll giggle like a school girl, after you've read it but that'll probably excite him, even more.
The average guy, wants a Betty Crocker in the kitchen and a Playboy Bunny, in the bedroom. Unless he's really different than that average guy, I think you just need to take the lead. Be subtle and nonabrasive. It's like teaching your man to dance. He must hold you in the small of your back. Once he's learned this little trick, he can and will lead you upon the dance floor. My first husband was a big man, 19 1/2 inch neck and a prehistoric 56 inch chest but once I showed him how to guide me, he was nimble and quite graceful. People would move out of the way to watch us dance. It's true.
Sex is rather similar. You may have to take the lead but don't make it evident. No, you must do it with subtle innuendo, maybe take his hand and guide him around. As well, you can initiate the foreplay, just act naturally and it will be and feel natural. Most men do love to believe that they're in charge and in the gorilla warfare of the bedroom, they'd like to think they are good at what they do. But every now and again, the guy will enjoy , your lead on the dance floor. Get it?
Print this out and leave it, with purpose, somewhere he might find it or allow him to find you reading it. You can blame a friend for giving it to you. You could say that the office or where ever is buzzing about it;
Excerpt from The Great American Myth...
What's the true definition of a man?
- A Real Man knows that he needs a good woman and can't do it all. Yes, he treats her as his equal. He embraces their differences and actually enjoys them.
- A Real Man is not afraid to admit when he's wrong, when he needs help, when something has hurt him. And he's not afraid to cry or show emotion.
- A Real Man treats his wife with respect and does not have a sense of Entitlement. What is a "Sense of Entitlement"? This ideology comes from old school values and beliefs, mixed with new school expectations. Yes, you want to have the American Dream and to grasp it, to attain it and maintain it, you must have two incomes. It takes a lot of money to keep up with the Jones'. Yes, you want that SUV and your wife wants the Minivan. You must have that 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath with the Hot Tub out back. You must have the 52inch Flat Screen with surround sound, so when the fellas come over to watch Football and drink beer, they walk away with the idea that you've got it together, yep, you are one cool dude. So, your wife works, yes, she wants to work and have her own money, not having to ask you for money to buy all her stuff. Plus it makes her feel like she's more than just Mommy or the Mrs. But add it up, are the household chores, cooking, running kids to and from and generalities of what takes a home to run, fairly distributed? While I realize that you take out the trash, mow the lawn and so on, when it's done, you are often "Off Duty."
- A Real Man is smart. He pleases his wife first, not through sexual intercourse but by other means, maybe using toys? He's not intimidated by toys either, as some men are because he realizes that many women can not attain orgasm through sexual intercourse but need direct stimulation of the clitoris. Yes, he's on top of the program and realizes it's to his benefit to have his mate orgasm first. Why? For two reasons;
b. A Real Man realizes it's to his benefit if she has an orgasm first because...it'll then be tighter. WooHoo!
Is this you? If not, "Hats Off to You." You are a Real Man!!! -B.J.M.
I can tell by your letter that you are really apprehensive about what is going to happen to your sex drive after you are married… so I need to ask, have you talked to this most wonderful guy about it? Because if you haven’t talked about sex with him then I can honestly tell you that you will be in for a world of hurt. And why do I say this? Because no matter the subject matter, communication is the number one thing in a relationship that will determine if you make it through all the bad statistics, or become one of them.
Having said that, sexual preferences and desires are definitely one of the most important talks that a couple should have. It is extremely personal, and it is very much a part of who you are as an individual and as a couple. And everyone is different in his or her preferences. So being able to have a healthy chat about this is something that you will have to think about first, and decide what your ultimate goal is from the conversation.
Basically what I am asking is: if this man doesn’t share the same sexual preferences as you, is this a deal breaker? Can you come to terms with an alternative? Does he have things he would like to do and maybe you don’t know this yet? These are all questions that a person in a committed relationship should know about their partner. Sure, over time things change and so will these preferences. But you need to know what you want, what you can and cannot do, and what your partner wants and can or cannot do. It is all about intimacy and respect for each other.
For example, I am in no way comfortable with having multiple partners. Some people are into that sort of thing, and that’s fine. But to me, in my head, I am giving something so special to someone because I want to connect with them and them alone on a level that no one else gets to see or share. To me, sex and intimacy and loyalty are the same and they need to be together in order for my head not to explode. But like I said, this is just me I am speaking of. I am using an example.
Now on the flip side, I have two very good friends that have a very open relationship. They invite other people into their sexual relationship because it makes them feel like they can still achieve their sexual interests and maintain a healthy love life and home life. It works for them, because they have talked about it and continue to talk about it. They have changed things in this relationship from each others preferences over time, but this is still healthy because they are respecting each other and willing to listen and act only on what they agree upon.
Not having anyone to talk too about your preferences is difficult as well, because something like this seems scary to just out and talk about in a serious manor. So if you ever want to talk to me about it, by all means e-mail. I am pretty open-minded and have had a really good success rate with talking with couples about this particular subject. I am no therapist - don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it is easier to go into a conversation when you know what you would like to get out of it. So I will offer that. But also, if you need to know how to start a conversation on sex (or anything for that matter) you can follow these ten steps (I wish I had thought them up, but I learned this through a life coach seminar from many moons ago).
1. Always remember the purpose of the conversation is the exchange of ideas and experiences. The point of the conversation is to hear others' point of view and to share your own.
2. Kindness and respect should be the mental stance throughout. If another person is listening to your convictions, they are doing you a kindness. If they are sharing their own convictions, you are receiving the reflected light of their revealed truth. Respect is appropriate at such times, and indeed, necessary for the exchange to occur.
3. Be secure in your own convictions. Do not be needy, asking for affirmation during the conversation. If what you think it true, no one needs to tell you so. You should not try to convince the other person to agree with you.
4. Ask questions and listen to the answers.
5. If you don't understand something someone is saying, ask them to clarify: "When you said X, I'm not sure what you meant. Can you explain?"
6. Don't press too hard for explanations. New ideas may take some time to get your mind around. By pressing too hard for evidence, you may cause them to feel defensive.
7. Should your conversation partner be persistent in trying to get affirmation from you when you don't feel in agreement, do not answer insincerely. A soft answer, for example "I really need to think about that, I can't answer right now" might help to get past the sticking point
8. If you begin to feel angry, or cornered during the discussion, try to direct the conversation away from those ideas. However;
9. If your conversation partner expresses something that is illegal or disrespectful, or immoral to you, speak up. Stating that you do not feel comfortable with this is not wrong, but silence and concensous is.
10. If you feel close to responding in anger or otherwise behaving unkindly, excuse yourself. Try saying "This conversation is bringing up a lot of feelings for me. I really can't keep talking about this. I'm sorry. Excuse me." Don’t abandon the conversation. But agree to talk about it again later, which is much better than hurting someone.
What ever happens, I hope that you have the consideration for yourself and your future husband to have this conversation. It really does scare me to think that these conversations are not being had in relationships. After all, you don’t go into getting married thinking you will be divorced, so wouldn’t you want to do what you could to prevent that? It’s a lot easier to love a person when you know them, and it’s a lot easier to keep loving a person when you grow together and keep it real.
Good luck, and let us know if we can do anything else for you!