Thursday, January 10, 2008

That Woman

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi there,
I'm writing to you out of complete frustration. I wonder if you can offer any advice. I have been with a guy for a year now, and we are living together with three other mutual friends from university.

Me and my boyfriend had an argument about 4 days ago now, after a week of me being an utter bitch (I was feeling really unusually rough due to a period of pms).

I am usually an assertive and sometimes touchy/stressed person anyway.
This boyfriend of mine has now said that although he loves me he doesn't want to go out with me anymore because we have had a couple of arguments like this before and then got back together again.

I can completely understand what he is saying but I care about him so much and still feel that we have so much going for each other. This is driving me insane, leaving me crying myself to sleep and waking up crying.He says that he feels exactly the same yet says that I will be unable to change his mind.

I'm just looking for some advice I suppose. Other than that, I am just laying in bed 24 /7 bawling my eyes out and trying to find some other reason for living.

Thank you,

A girl who regrets

Dear Regrets,

First let me say, you can never place all your eggs in one basket, in one person. No, you must be whole, within yourself. I do know that it makes no sense, especially now, when you are devastated. But what I mean is that you must be a whole entity, on your own. A fraction of a person, does not equate. Yes, it's simple mathematics. 1+1 equals 2, not 1/2 plus one. No, this may not make sense, till the end of this...

My advice to you is going to be two fold, two different perspectives and angles. Take from both and blend it. As you read this, only take what applies and look at it all as a whole, ok?

My point is that, first, you must get up, get outa bed and get showered. Then, you must look in the mirror. Look long and hard and assess yourself. Do you think you ran this fella off with your nagginess??? <---(new word, I just made up) If you answered yes, to that question, then you simply need to be aware of it. You need to improve on it, work on holding your tongue, being assertive but not naggy. I don't think naggy is a word but you get my meaning, right? Always try to put yourself in the other persons place. Always put the shoe on the other foot. What I'm trying to say is that you must look at your behavior, what you say or don't say, as a woman. Be responsible with your tongue. Now, I'm not accusing you of running this guy off. I'm asking you, if you did? If you did and there's no return, all you can do is live and learn. If he did leave because of your nagging, your PMS ish behavior, you first need to look at it all, collectively. Then, you improve upon it and most of all forgive yourself. Yes, we must do our very best to live without regret. We must try to realize that all things happen for a reason. Absolutely all things happen for a reason. Crying over spilled milk will get you nothing but puffy eyes. Now, don't think I am cold hearted or unfeeling. I can tell you are devastated. In your defense, my dear, I must question the very fact that this guy left in the heat of it all. Yep, if ya can't stand the heat, get the hell outa the kitchen. Maybe, he didn't have what it takes? Maybe, he's not the one? Maybe, he needs to question himself and if he used it as an easy out? I place those questions in your lap.

Now, walk with me. We'll take a walk down the Rite of Passage. It is a path from girl to woman. Remember these words and hold them close;

From this moment on, you will be responsible with your tongue. You will no longer say foolish things. You will think before you speak. You will not be aggressive with your words. You will look at your words before you speak them. You will no longer speak irrationally. If you have nothing mature to say, you will sit quietly. When you do have something to say, you will make your point in an assertive manner. You will always realize that what you have to say is important and not drivel because you've left the drivel back at the beginning of this path. You will keep quiet when you have nothing important to say and you will see that it is the girls who run off at the mouth. Yes, the women have noteworthy speech. You will begin to see the difference between the talk of a girl and the speech of a woman. A woman does not nag. No, she calculates her words. She weighs them out and does not speak like a fool. She'll make her point, only because it is important. Otherwise, she will remain quiet. A woman is responsible for/with her tongue, her language and how she carries herself. You are now this woman .

Let me make it very clear to you that I am not a feminist. I am not "I am woman, hear me roar." What I am is a woman that believes in equality, in fairness, Just behavior and an assertive stance. I am also a woman who holds her head up and will survive. Yes, I wear a Bitch Belt. That means if I feel I need to say something, come hell or high water, I'm going to say it. But But But, I think before I say something. I stumble and I fall, just as you have. It took me years to get here, to have this understanding. I know my downfall as a girl, it was to run my mouth and I was/had/did idle chatter. Now, pay attention to the talk of girls. They'll say just about anything and in turn, they'll be perceived as bimbo ish. Their opinion will not be valued. Men will treat them without respect.

If per chance, this relationship does not work, you will learn from it. You will step away with dignity and a keen sense of wisdom because of it. The next fella that comes your way, will immediately have a sense of respect for you, as he will see the difference.

Hold your head up and be that woman.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike; (NASB ©1995)

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

con·ten·tious (kn-tnshs)adj.
1. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent.
2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

vex (vks)
tr.v. vexed, vex·ing, vex·es
1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother. See Synonyms at annoy.
2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.
3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.
4. To debate or discuss (a question, for example) at length.
5. To toss about or shake up.

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