It's Just Another Lump

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi i am a guy that lost my mom when i was 19 and my dad is suing the people that killed her and the money is being split 30% to my dad and 20% to each kid and 10 % to my grandma and my grandma wants it to be split 20% 5 ways and i do not know who's side to take plz help me

Thanks Aunt B,

Needs Help



Dear Needs Help,

Well, let me first say that I am sorry for your loss. I don't care how old a man is, when he loses his Mama it's never easy. I do hope you allow yourself to grieve openly concerning that loss and to hell with anyone who does not understand. OK?

What I am saying is give yourself permission to feel that loss and not stuff it as many men do. Quite often men feel that showing emotion such as grieving, openly crying and so forth is not "Manly." But if the truth were known, I firmly believe that a man who can not allow himself to feel lives a life of repression and pain.

When a man does not feel, grieve or allow himself to cry, it becomes a pent up sensation that tends to come out sideways, typically in the form of anger. Look out whoever gets in the way of it.

Oddly enough and more so evident are the misguided, misdirected and hostile situations which occur when someone close to us dies. I have never, in my life, seen such squabbling between siblings and parents alike as I do when an immediate family member dies. Unfortunately, it's usually over money matters.

Yes, when there's money involved in death, it brings out the ugly in people.

"God don't like ugly and he's not real fond of stupid."

I don't know all the components of your situation or your family make up. Far be it from me to even think I am any "Miss Manner's," either. But it is commonly known and from my research, that it should and will always fall upon the spouse to decide how his wife's assets are dispersed. He has the final say. Final.

As well, he is not required by law to disperse any of those assets with the exclusion of minor children, to any adult children unless there is a will stating that fact and how her assets are to be distributed. Their home as well as her current assets are considered "Life Interest," and will usually remain in his name, care and responsibility until his death.

Unless your Mother specifically stated that her wish, upon her death would be that her own Mother might inherit any portion of her assets under law she is not entitled to anything...but neither are you. However, in case law it is more common that children, even adult children might benefit from what is commonly known as a "Gift," and not a legal and binding bequeathed situation, where no will exists.

I could not find any case law which states, even on a moral realm, where that gifting situation goes up the hierarchical tree. Of course, what people, families do behind closed doors without an executor or administrator is not recorded as case law is. But in any court of law in this United States, your Father would naturally inherit, under normal conditions, all assets as well as expenses such as medical care not covered under insurance and funeral expenses.

Thus the answer to your question would most likely be that if your Father decided to give any of you any proceeds from this wrongful death settlement, he is not bound under law or mandated to give any of you anything. What he might give you, as I stated before would be considered a gift.

Morally, it would be nice as well as gracious for him to honor the love your Mother had for you by honoring you with this gift. I must say though that unless your Grandmother was a primary caregiver for you as well as your siblings, she really has no say in the matter.

If we were to look at statistics concerning how monetary execution is made concerning the normal situation where a will is administered, you would rarely see a bequeathment going up the hierarchical chain. It most certainly goes down that chain and would be applied to the minor children first and foremost, normally in the form of a trust. In this situation, I'm assuming there are no minor children? If this is true, again, anything you receive will be a *gift.

Finally, if Grandma were sitting right in front of me, I would offer her coffee or tea and ask her to sit and talk with me. I would then explain to her that under these or any other circumstance, she has no say in this matter and for this I am sorry. I would also tell her that it does not seem that anyone wants to hurt her feelings on this issue. It's quite obvious that she is loved, honored and deeply cared for. But anything, any percentage she might get, she should be grateful for and thank her lucky stars. She is legally and morally owed nothing.

Life has it's lumps and I assume by now, at her age she's realized this. Without making light of the situation and with all due respect...It's just another lump.

Keeping It Real,


Aunt Babz


Dear Needs Help,

I would just like to add to Babs comment (which was really really well done might I add) that "picking sides" is the last thing you should be doing. If it is not your decission, then let it be. As a person who has just lost someone and has had to deal with this first hand, I can tell you that choosing sides will do nothing but cause hurt feelings and ruin relationships. Don't do that to yourself. Let the powers that be decide what is to happen and stay out of the feud. In the end, the law will work it out, and you will have to deal with one of the parties being upset (your father or grandmother). You don't need to add insult to injury by being the one who said "i told you so: in either case. Your family has lost enough all ready, try and take care of those you have left.

Good Luck, ~Xmichra


*GIFT - A voluntary transfer of property from one person or entity to another made without charge or consideration.
A voluntary transfer of property or of a property interest from one individual to another, made gratuitously to the recipient. The individual who makes the gift is known as the donor, and the individual to whom the gift is made is called the donee.

*If a gratuitous transfer of property is to be effective at some future date, it constitutes a mere promise to make a gift that is unenforceable due to lack of consideration. A present gift of a future interest is, however, valid.

Rules of Gift-Giving

Three elements are essential in determining whether or not a gift has been made: delivery, donative intent, and acceptance by the donee. Even when such elements are present, however, courts will set aside an otherwise valid gift if the circumstances suggest that the donor was, in actuality, defrauded by the donee, coerced to make the gift, or strongly influenced in an unfair manner. In general, however, the law favors enforcing gifts since every individual has the right to dispose of Personal Property as he or she chooses.

Delivery Delivery of a gift is complete when it is made directly to the donee, or to a third party on the donee's behalf. In the event that the third person is the donor's agent, bailee, or trustee, delivery is complete only when such person actually hands the property over to the donee.

A delivery may be actual, implied, or symbolic, provided some affirmative act takes place. If, for example, a man wishes to give his grandson a horse, an actual delivery might take place when the donor hires someone to bring the horse to the grandson's farm. Similarly, the symbolic delivery of a car as a gift can take place when the donor hands the keys over to the donee.

Delivery can only occur when the donor surrenders control of the property. For example, an individual who expresses the desire to make a gift of a car to another but continues to drive the car whenever he or she wishes has not surrendered control of the car.

A majority of states are practical about the requirement of a delivery. Where the donor and the donee reside in the same house, it ordinarily is not required that the gift be removed from the house to establish a delivery. If the donee has possession of the property at the time that the donor also gives the person ownership, there is no need to pass the property back and forth in order to make a legal delivery. Proof that the donor relinquished all claim to the gift and recognized the donee's right to exercise control over it is generally adequate to indicate that a gift was made.

In instances where delivery cannot be made to the donee, as when the person is out of the country at the time, delivery can be made to someone else who agrees to accept the property for the donee. If the individual accepting delivery is employed by the donor, however, the court will make the assumption that the donor has not rendered control of the property and that delivery has not actually been made. The individual accepting delivery must be holding the property for the donee and not for the donor.

In situations where the donee does not have legal capacity to accept delivery, such delivery can be made to an individual who will hold it for him or her. This might, for example, occur in the case of an infant.

Donative Intent Donative intent to make a gift is essentially determined by the donor's words, but the courts also consider the surrounding circumstances, the relationship of the parties, the size of the gift in relation to the amount of the donor's property as a whole, and the behavior of the donor toward the property subsequent to the purported gift.

The donor must have the legal capacity to make a gift. For example, Infants or individuals judged to be unable to attend to their own affairs have a legal disability to make a gift.

In addition, an intent to make a gift must actually exist. For example, a landlord who rents a house to a tenant does not have the intent to give such premises to the tenant, even though the tenant takes possession for an extended period of time. Similarly, a gift to the wrong person will not take effect. If an individual mistakenly gives gold jewelry to an imposter who is believed to be a niece, the gift is invalid because there was no intention to benefit anyone but the niece.

The intent must be present at the time the gift is made. For example, if one person promises to give a house to an artist "someday," the promise is unenforceable because there is no intent to make an effective gift at the time the promise is made. The mere expectation that something will someday be given is not legally adequate to create a gift.

Acceptance The final requirement for a valid gift is acceptance, which means that the donee unconditionally agrees to take the gift. It is necessary for the donee to agree at the same time the delivery is made. The gift can, however, be revoked at any time prior to acceptance.

A court ordinarily makes the assumption that a gift has been accepted if the gift is beneficial, or unless some event has occurred to indicate that it is not.

Types of Gifts

The two principal categories of gifts are inter vivos gifts and causa mortis gifts.

Inter vivos gifts Inter vivos is Latin for "between the living" or "from one living person to another." A gift inter vivos is one that is perfected and takes effect during the lifetime of the donor and donee and that is irrevocable when made. It is a voluntary transfer of property, at no cost to the donee, during the normal course of the donor's life.

A gift inter vivos differs from a sale, a loan, or barter since something is given in exchange for the benefit in each of such transfers. Whether the value given is a money price, a percentage interest or an equivalent item of property, or a promise to repay, the element of exchange makes such transfers something other than a gift.

There are a number of special types of inter vivos gifts. Forgiveness of a debt is a gift of the amount of money owed, and delivery can be accomplished by destroying the promissory note signed by the debtor and handing it over to him or her. A share of stock in a corporation may ordinarily be given to someone else by having ownership transferred to the person on the books of the corporation or by having a new stock certificate issued in the person's name. A life insurance policy can generally be given to someone by delivering the policy, but it is more expedient to express in writing that all interest in the policy is assigned, or transferred, to the donee and to notify the insurance company to that effect. Certain states require these formalities since insurance is strictly regulated by state law. Gifts of land can only be made by written transfer.

A donor can limit an inter vivos gift in certain ways. For example, he or she might give someone a life estate in his or her property. When the donee dies, the property reverts to the donor. A donor cannot place other restrictions on a gift if the restrictions would operate to make the gift invalid. If, for example, the donor reserves the power to revoke a gift, there is no gift at all.

Causa Mortis Gifts A gift causa mortis (Latin for "in contemplation of approaching death") is one that is made in anticipation of imminent death. This type of gift takes effect upon the death of the donor from the expected disease or illness. In the event that the donor recovers from the peril, the gift is automatically revoked. Gifts causa mortis only apply to personal property.

A donor who is approaching death might make a gift by putting his or her intention in writing. This procedure is likely to be followed, when, for example, the donee is in another state, and personal delivery is thereby impractical. The delivery requirement is frequently relaxed when a causa mortis gift is involved, since a donor is less likely to be able to make an actual delivery as his or her death approaches. A symbolic delivery is frequently sufficient to show that a gift was made, provided at least some effort to make a delivery is exercised. The Overt Act aids a court in its determination as to whether a delivery has been made.

The difference between a gift causa mortis and a testamentary gift made by will is that a will transfers ownership subsequent to the death of the donor, but a gift causa mortis takes effect immediately. In most states, the donee becomes legal owner of the gift as soon as it is given, subject only to the condition that the gift must be returned if the donor does not actually die.

The requirements of a causa mortis gift are essentially the same as a gift inter vivos. In addition, such a gift must be made with a view toward the donor's death, the donor must die of the ailment, and there must be a delivery of the gift.

Gifts causa mortis are usually made in a very informal manner and are frequently made because dying people want to be certain that their dearest possessions go to someone they choose.

A donor who is approaching death might make a gift by putting his or her intention in writing. This procedure is likely to be followed, when, for example, the donee is in another state, and personal delivery is thereby impractical. The courts only permit the donee to keep the gift if the donor clearly intended the gift to take effect at the time it was made. If the gift is made in writing in a will and is intended to become effective only after the donor dies, the gift is a testamentary one. The law in each jurisdiction is very strict about the features that make a will valid. One requirement, for example, is that the will must be signed by witnesses. If the donor writes down that he or she is making a gift, but the writing is neither an immediate gift nor a witnessed will, the donee cannot keep the gift.

The delivery requirement is frequently relaxed when a causa mortis gift is involved, since a donor is less likely to be able to make an actual delivery as his or her death approaches. A symbolic delivery is frequently sufficient to show that a gift was made, provided at least some effort to make a delivery is exercised. The overt act aids a court in its determination as to whether a delivery has been made.

A gift causa mortis is only effective if the donor actually dies. It is not necessary that the donor die immediately, but the person must die of a condition or danger that existed when the gift was made and without an intervening recovery. The donee becomes legal owner of the property in most states from the time the gift is made. The person must, however, later return the gift if the donor does not actually die. If the donor changes his or her mind and revokes the gift, or recovers from the particular illness or physical injury, the gift is invalid. A donor also has the right to require that debts or funeral expenses be paid out of the value of the gift.

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Woo Her

Dear Aunt Babz,

I'm kinda new to this whole "anonymous advice" thing but I need some help. I really like this girl I'm kinda close friends with. She knows I like her but I'm not really getting a response from her. Some of my friends are close with her and they said she wants me to try harder to impress her. I know that sounds a little mean but she's really a nice girl. If you know how I can win her over please help me out! If it helps I'm 15 and in high school so I can't buy her expensive jewelry or anything (minimum wage only goes so far!)


Dear Reader,

Well Darlin', it sounds like she wants you to win and woo her. There's nothing wrong with this and I suppose she has standards set for herself. Not a bad thing. I thought these six steps were interesting, not the/your answer so much but noteworthy.

Once you get in, those six steps might help but we need to find a way to make her notice you, right? There were a few memorable things, that made me think, one of which was a card that said some of the things that I think he couldn't. But it was the few words he put in the card that made the impact on me;

"You make me smile. Your smile, your laughter, the way you walk, the way you talk, it all speaks to my heart. You are beautiful beyond the words of a simple card. Did you know this?"

See, all these years later, I still remember the words from that card. It wasn't even an expensive card but I could tell he'd taken the time and put forth the effort to pick it out.

I think it's the little things, the words that ring, steadfast that are memorable. Most guys do not divulge or expose their hearts very easily, especially spoken words. So, you use cards and letters, a note here, a card there.

In these cards, which will not break your pocket, you speak the truth, you speak what your heart says. You don't have to do all the mushy bullshit, you know too candy sweet-n-sticky, especially crap you don't feel. But you tell her what it is that makes you notice her out of all the girls in your world.

When you see her, you wink and allow your heart, your body language to speak to hers. It's very real if you happen to notice it and are aware of it's capability. No, you'd better not need expensive jewelry to get this girl. If that were the case, why would you wanna date a chick that has to have that sort of thing to know how you feel?

Sure it's nice to receive a Promise Ring (we used to call it going steady) at the exact and perfect moment in time but you are not there yet, right? And if the time comes where you feel you want to express how you feel, you start saving, you know $5 here, $10 there and put some cash away.

You sound like a truly nice guy and I hope you win the babe. Forget about those "Trophy Chicks." Yea, they look good on your arm but they know it and it's a constant worry. You'll have to let me know, ok? Oh and by the way, remember; If you play, you might pay, meaning if and when...where a condom. Please???

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hey There,

If you are trying to win her over the first thing you should do is try to talk to her. Try to get her to sit down with you at lunch or before school or after school and if she talks to you just share how you feel and how you would like to hang out with her more . Another thing you can do is find out where her locker is and stick a little note in there saying maybe something like, " Hi, just thinking about you," or anything you want to that will catch her eye . If you have classes with her just slip it in her book . If you know were she lives go up to her house and ask to talk and maybe if you have a little money, possibly you could go buy a single rose . That's usually like $3 dollars at the very most . That's what I think you should do ... just make sure to be yourself.

I'm Listening,

Lucus

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Bluff Backfired

Dear Aunt B,

My best friend and I have recently hit a huge pothole in our friendship. It started because her fiance cheated on her and I supported her. I let her cry on my shoulder and listened to her. Well, her and her fiance are still going to get married and I told her I didn't feel comfortable being her Maid Of Honor anymore. He treated her so badly and it's not the first time he cheated on a girlfriend. Ever since I made that statement things have gone downhill quickly. We have been getting into huge fights and we had a big blowout the other day and now no longer speak to each other. I feel really bad, but she has changed so much and she will have her wedding no matter what. I just wanted to be her friend and be honest. We are no longer friends and it bothers me but she is no longer bothered by it. She now feels she can continue her life without me and I was no bog loss. Should I try to apologize for something I don't think I'm to blame for or should I just give it time for me to get over it? Please help!!! I'm lost!! Thanks!

Ex-Best Friend



Dear Ex Friend,

Your bluff backfired, huh? What a damn shame, the whole situation, really. I'll get back to the meaning of the title, ok?

I'll be 50 in February and I must say, I've learned a few things along this journey, my life. I tell my own kids and grandkids, "If you don't want me to hold a grudge, don't tell me stuff about what your girlfriends, wives or husband has done wrong, that is unless you want me to play hardball."

What I mean by this is for starters, you never run home to Mama and tell the kind of bad things that I will find it hard to forgive but you can. As well, you never ever tell a girlfriend anything she might not be able to forgive of your significant or husband. Same principle, different game that's all.

Now, the game you played, for lack of better words, as I said it backfired. You laid out the rules, the terms of the game in somewhat of a bluff. I imagine that you figured your girlfriend would see just how serious you were and you felt you were playing hardball for her welfare, out of caring as girlfriends do.

She might be quite crazy and one of those women that has to learn things the hard way but your girlfriend forgave her man while you could not. If she gets burned, it's on her, is it not? Although you may cringe and shake your head, it will not actually affect you.

You took a stand because you cared so deeply. But your principles and morals can not be projected on her. As well, it is her life and she must live it. The role of a true girlfriend is to stand by her good friend come hell or high water.

Now, here's the clincher; you may very well be right and this guy could be a schmuck. Statistics do show that a man that fools around, will often do it again. But I have seen love prevail as well as a good woman who makes it real well known that she'll not tolerate a man who fools around on her. He won't live to tell...

How do I know that? I was one of those women and I assure you he never messed on me again. He was still a schmuck and I ultimately left him after 19+ years but I guaran damn tee ya it was not because he fooled around.

So, what can we learn, what can we do here? I think you'll have to find it in your heart, some way, some how to remember what girlfriends are really all about. This is my very own creed, I hope you will laugh with me;

Babz' Girlfriends Creed

I'll jump through fiery hoops to help you,
I'll pick up the pieces he's left behind,
I'll cry with you and wipe your snotty nose,
I'll eat M & M's and Ice Cream with you if it helps,
I'll answer the phone at 4am and swear like a seasoned Sailor with you,
I'll drive around half the night till we find him,
I'll help you bury the body...

Then, I'll let you borrow my new lipstick, you know just to shine up!

Find forgiveness. Forgive her for being angry at you. Forgive her for loving him.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Just Be A Friend

Dear Aunt Babz,

ok so i have two very good friends. I find out they both like the same person but don't know that the other one does. So they both told me not to tell anyone and they are both really good friends of mine. I can't tell them because that would make me seem not trustworthy but i don't want them to get their feelings hurt. What should i do?



Dear Reader,

This one is a no-brainer. Stay out of it completely. You are right, they have both trusted you that their confidence will be kept, so make sure you keep your word. I would however talk to each of them separately about not getting their hopes up too high, and that no matter what they are valued.

In the end, one or both of them will end up hurt, because regardless this person they like will only pick one or neither of them to date. So you know what is going to happen, you just have to prepare to be a good friend and be there for them.

I hope this all resolves itself right away though, as I know the burden you must be feeling to tell each friend the others secret, and it is not easy when you are afraid to hurt someone. But by telling them, they will each be mad that you broke their trust, and will likely become competitive (which is not a good situation either) and stick you in the middle of a fight.

Keep the confidence, and just be a friend.

Good Luck,


~Xmichra

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

"Your Stranger"

Dear Aunt Babz,

Dear whoever would even bother to read this,

Okay, well, I don't know how to start this off. I've never really done any of this advice stuff before, or openly expressed my feelings, so I guess I'm a bit awkward typing this out, but here goes...

This isn't anything new. I won't go into details, but my friend's friend blurted out that my friend might possibly like me. Sure, they were in cryptic riddles, but I'm not an idiot.

At that moment, I was scared.
Why?
Cause I think I feel the same way.

I've kept my mouth shut about it for a year or so. I've lied to him once too, and sternly told him that I "wasn't into him that way". But after this discovery, I don't know what to do anymore.

I've seen enough advice given to be able to probably predict what's going in your head right now. Something along the lines of, "Great! Go for it without any turning back! You’ll only live your life once." right? But if my problems could be solved that easily, I wouldn't have needed to ask you in the first place.

For starters, I know that he has a lot going on in his life, and throwing a relationship in there wouldn't be doing him any favours. I realize that someone liking you just one huge burden for one to carry. Once they confess, even if they don't say it, but they expect something back. Relationships is just one big thing to distract him from whatever's going on in the moment (which may be for the better, but I won't get into that). He needs to concentrate on himself first and foremost.

He's mentioned before that he's too young to be starting a relationship with anyone, and to be honest, I'd have to agree--for myself included. Not because of our ages, but we're not mature enough to be able to put with any sort of commitment. High school isn't a time where roots are suppose to settle. It's just one big drama show of hopping from one person to another.

Besides, what does it all matter? His mother has forbidden him to have a girlfriend until he's finished his schooling, as "they're a distraction from his studies". I can understand as to why he's relieved by this. He doesn't have to worry about any of these insignificant problems. (Which ties in with what I said before) My parents have laid down similar rules.

Then what's the point of confessing at all?
So I confess. We're awkward. The end.
He's a close friend of mine, and though I hate to admit it, rely on him as a crutch. I don't want our friendship to end, but I'm a shy individual. It's hard for me to talk to anyone regardless of who they are. Like admitting all these feelings out in the open... so... embarrassing. I think it's the same for him.

So what just might I be looking for underneath all of this? I guess just your honest opinion about my situation. I'd like to hear what you have to say regarding my actions.

Have these things straight though:
I don't expect him to be my boyfriend if I confess my feelings. I don't expect anything back on his end. If he wants to start a relationship, then I have no qualms about it. But it is up to him to decide what he would like to do.
The only reason why this problem is getting so out of hand for me is because of the small chance of him actually feeling the same way about me back. Otherwise, I would have kept telling myself that all of this is unrequited. (Which I bet you would chastise me for)
Even without my mom's rule, I'm not desperate for a relationship. If it wasn't for him meddling with my feelings, I'd be tossing away the whole idea of getting a boyfriend.
And even if we were to start something, I don't expect it last for long. I don't think I'd make an awesome girlfriend for anyone in any situation. Lets just say that I'm a lot to take in for some people and that I'm not in the best condition to be taking on a partner's role either. This affects him, especially. He needs something that I'm not able to provide.
And remember, the only way I was able to figure out that he might have liked me is because his friend couldn't keep his mouth shut. He obviously didn't want me finding it out.

Oh, did I ever mention that a very close friend of mine likes this person too? Someone is going to be hurt in the end, and I don't want to be the one who ignited the flame.

It's complicated, I know. I wish I had someone to turn to, but I don't, which brings me to this email. I remember he mentioned once that the only person who can keep a secret is a stranger. I think he may be right.

Thank you in advance for any words you may give me, and sorry for the awfully long read.

Sincerely,

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

I will always be "Your Stranger," ok? And"NO" I'm not going to tell you to go for it. But life and love is all a matter of perspective ya know? There are also, let me make this clear, varying degrees of that love. You love a family member differently than you'll love your husband. And you will love a friend differently as well, right?

What I will tell you is that I think the best relationships stem from friendship first. The longest relationships, the ones that last a lifetime, they will tell you that their spouse is their absolute best friend. I am not projecting that this guy will be your husband and I'm certainly not rushing things or saying that he is the one.

OK, it's like this, is days gone by, people did things slower. Before they ever thought of sleeping with each other, of course, again, in days gone by, they waited until marriage. There was a good reason for this, actually many, many reasons. But the most evident and important reason for this was so you'd first get to know the potential life partner. If you can't be friends first, you have no business hopping in the sack with them. The reasons for that were many, as well. Of course the biggest reason was the very real possibility of getting pregnant. So, you took things easy because who the hell wants to be strapped in a relationship with someone that you don't really know or care for?

Things, morals and people have changed and I don't want to get on a soap box about it but suffice it to say that there are valid reasons behind those values and beliefs. Obviously your parents have similar reasoning and have more or less passed them onto to you. More obviously is the fact that you have strong moral values and beliefs yourself. In this day and age that is quite refreshing.

It has been made clear to me that you are strong willed with stronger principles. It's also clear to me that you seem to keep yourself in check and although I think you are sometimes hard on yourself, this ability to live in reality, live life on life's terms and your own personal accountability is going to carry you far.

You seem mature in a world of people with a "Just Do It" mentality. It's clear to me that you think before you run, look before you leap but you do tend to over analyze things, don't you? Yes, you are a deep thinker and us deep thinkers do tend to suffer more but we live life to it's fullest.

My suggestion to you is to brace yourself, anticipate all possibilities, all possible answers so you might steel yourself. Then, you take it one second at a time, baby steps. That means when you see him, you nod, then next time you wave hello.

I think you can read between the lines here. Body language and innuendo, the way you now smile will never hurt you. Baby steps.

See, if you act like you have no ulterior motive, if deep inside you, you have no ulterior motive other than to build a friendship and it's all one second at a time, there's no room for error, no harm, no foul. You won't be that chick who throws herself at the guy, you'll never seem desperate because you are not and that's very clear. It will also be clear to anybody and everybody that sees how you behave.

Let me just tell you that I can see that you have every right in the world to hold you head up and face the world. You face it with a sense of pride because you are a stand-up kind a gal. No, you are not one of the bimbo's that toys with a guys emotions, plays games with a clear cut hidden agenda, that's actually not very hidden. We all know this type of girl, don't we? Her only accreditation is how many guys she can bed down. Yes, they are the proverbial "Lipstick Notch" on the bed post type of young ladies which give us all a bad name. I know you know what I'm talking about, huh? Yep and I know you hold them in complete disdain.

This is why you have proceeded so cautiously, isn't it? Yes, hold your head up because I know you've had opportunities and offers but you choose not to behave this way. But you do understand that they do behave this way because in many ways they are simply desperate and unfulfilled. They search to fill a void.

I feel that you do not have a void and feel that you are adding to an already full plate if you add a relationship on top of it, right? This is because you have remained focused. It's a great thing, this focus you have. So you continue to proceed in baby steps because I do see you going places because you have remained focused. You will get what you want.

My only wish for you is that you try to not be so hard on yourself. Look for a place where you can begin to be comfortable with you, in your own skin. When you look in the mirror begin to like yourself again. After all, you are an authentic, loyal and loving person who genuinely cares. Yes, it's almost painful, is it not?

My point is this, anyone who has you for a friend, including this guy, should be grateful and glad to call you a friend. Remember this.

Your secret is safe with me...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

Sounds to me like you have already talked yourself out of anything good possibly coming out of this, so i would tell you to forget the whole thing because you are right, he doesn't need THIS drama. Now, if you are willing to see things a little more positively and without that grain of snarky-ness, you just might find a different path. Obviously this guy is used to you already, he is a friend. Friends don't generally get to be friends by ignoring your character, so you need to look at that first. If he wasn't interested, you would already know. The fact that it was asked of you a year ago about your feelings towards him, tells me that he does feel more for you. But you need to get your head out of that dark cloud. A relationship isn't a burden to those who participate equally and with thoughtfulness. And it isn't some big distraction to people who share common goals. A relationship can be a very good thing for obtaining goals, and the support from one another can bring you to goals you never even thought possible. You would be surprised what the love of another can do for you. High school relationships, you are correct, almost never go further then that. Yet I don't know very many adults who regret those relationships as they helped build their character and form what they look for in a partner. And for the ones who married their high school sweethearts, I have never seen anything so sweet. It is remarkable to have had this whole life with a person and to reflect on similar items. But regardless, you can't just talk yourself out of doing something because of fear. And that is exactly what this letter drips of... fear. Fear of rejection, fear of relationships, fear of breaking up, fear of distraction.. it's all fear. And you just can't go through life fearing everything that makes life what it is...

~Xmichra

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Box of Laughter Smiles and Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

Ok I really need your helps..I really like this boy..he's the cousin of my cousin but it doesn't mean that he's my cousin.I reeeeeaaaaaaaally like him so much.I can't stop thinking about him!I can't ask him out I'm so shy so I told my friends and others to do it and they all said that he said no so I heard him told one of my friend yes but I should ask him.So when I asked him he said no!!!Why???I'm so confused,depressed,sad,and desperate!!!He's really my inspiration!Everybody think that he's ugly but for me he's so so cute!


Hey Friend,

I will sure do what I can to help :). Well, you said you asked him, correct? And he said no, right? As for why he said no, I do not know. I'm going to be completely 100% honest with you, he may have been a little uncomfortable with your friends asking him what he thought of you before you asked him. It can sometimes be confusing how some people react and what they say, and it can be sad. However, being desperate can also sometimes scare some people off. I understand you are shy, believe me I completely understand that, but if you start talking to him, just saying "hi", and "how are you", you'll get to know him, and you'll become less and less shy around him the more you talk to him. You'll get to know him and maybe become a couple, or at the worst be friends, and maybe later you'll become a couple. Just remember that everything takes time.

I hope to have given you a little help, and I hope it all works out great for you. Take care. Peace.


mb3

Dear Reader,

If a guy is cute to you, then that's all that matters. Never base your thoughts or reasoning on what other people think. This is especially true when it comes to peer pressure; always do what you know is right and follow your heart.

Now, this guy was probably embarrassed at least that's what I think but I bet he likes you. Don't be or act desperate. I agree with mb3, your behavior may have scared him off. Never be desperate, ok?

I have the sneaking suspicion that if you take it easy, one minute at a time, that this guy, once he gets to know you will see just how sweet you really are. You are a very genuine person, a loyal friend and a good listener (very important) but you must learn some restraint, some discipline when it comes to your heart.

The sun does not rise and set on this guy but his smile may be the most wonderful thing you've ever seen. So, be you without the "I have to have it/him now" attitude, learn some patience and practice looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are worth it for some special guy. Maybe it's not this guy but a certain guy will come along who is all that and a box of laughter, smiles and love.

One more thing; I would really be pleased if you would do two things for me. For starters, do your homework and read some of the posts I have on Empowerment as I really think you could be a powerhouse of a young woman once you learn to be assertive. Secondly, write me when you meet the right guy...he's not that far away...


Keeping It Real,


Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"