Que Sera Sera

Dear Aunt Babz, Alright, here goes. There are two boys in my life at this point in time. My best friend Trey, and my friends with benefits Aaron. I have had feelings for my best friend for quite a while now, and have told him this, and he has declined my request to be more. He thinks now that I have lost these feelings, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won't get many men to like me. Aaron says that he has these feelings for me, but when he told me this, I had no such feelings for him, but to give it a shot, and perhaps because I would like him in time, I took it to a instinctual level and told him that we could try friends with benefits for a while. During this time Trey has been sending me all together extremely confusing signals, that I can not distinguish between, him actually sending me signals to further our relationship, jealousy signals, or myself just hoping beyond belief that he wants something more. He will do things such as, wrestle with me, smack my rear end, let me lay on him, and say things such as "So you're sleeping with me tonight right?" and "Now give me one wish" <>
Dear Confused,

I hope this doesn't arrive too late. Because of the Holidays, I did not get to this and I do apologize. I've had company and my oldest son, Lee (Soulseer) is here, visiting from out of town. Even if it is too late and you've found yourself squeezed into doing something, you really didn't want to do, we can still find some semblance of sanity in all this. Oh, and by the way, this is not annoying and I can totally relate.

I hope you are open enough, to allow this post, this message, this personal answer to you, to sink in, deep within your psyche. My hope is for you to digest it and use it as a teaching tool. My hope is for this to empower you. I want you to read it and re-read it, print it out and always keep it. I am going to tell it like it is, I may get graphic and I hope you are ready, willing and able to breathe it in...

First off, I'd love to be right there to smack your hand, for thinking that and I quote, "I'm not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won't get many men to like me." I wish I had an Aunt Babz who'd have smacked me right in the kisser, when I said the same thing.

I felt rather ugly growing up and did a lot of things, in the name of love, in search of someone to love me. I didn't say no, could be, quite often, a people pleaser. It was primarily/mainly guys and I may have even had a reputation, all because of it. I'm quite sure I was brought up and talked about, in men's rooms and so on, more than once. Guys do so love to brag about what they tapped and conquered, now don't they? It was a different era and the 70's were a time of,"Free Love," but the song remains the same. Guaranteed. "Don't be a Babz."

It took me many years, many relationships and even one night stands to realize that if a guy really cares, he won't pressure you. He'll talk smack, add a dab of innuendo(i.e. what Trey has been doing) and most certainly make a move but he'll know that no means no. Being a tease is not healthy, either. Girls that walk around with their thong hanging out, just as an example, can't understand the depth of implication and the signal they are sending. They know what they're doing but at the same time, see it more innocently than it actually is. They tease and it's not right, it's not fair and often find themselves in bad situations. Get my drift?

In all actuality, almost all guys want sex, it's how they are hardwired and they think about it constantly. Quite often, they will tell you, what they think you need to hear, whisper sweet nothings, and whoops it's all over as quick as you can open the condom wrapper.(Condoms are a must. Don't think it won't happen to you. It happened to me, both pregnancy at 16 and Hep C).

Guys love the hunt, the thrill of the kill, the conquest. Not all guys are like this but I sure met my share, enough to form an educated opinion, not to mention that I have three, testosterone permeating sons, of my own and yes, they tell me everything, even if I don't wanna know. Yes, I get the how, when, what and why's of it all.

I am telling it like it is, G-Friend. And, and, and, you'll be lucky if they call you back because, quite often, they just wanted to get in your pants. You seem to have self control but your thinking may cause you to do things that are not conducive to a healthy and happy lifestyle. Don't fall into that same nasty trap/trip, I did. You will have a hard time looking in the mirror, the next morn. Eventually, you may stop looking in the mirror. I know I quit, for many years!

Now, I'm gonna tell you something, it's an old saying and I hope you don't think I am calling you this, it's not to be taken literally but take it as it's intended;

"There's a dog for every dog."

What that means, is that even if you were the ugliest chick in the land, even if you were a Fiona, there'd be a Shrek (I think he's hot anyway)out there, just waiting to love you. Never be desperate, never think desperate. You are wrong for feeling desperate. You have desperate thinking right now. We must stop this and put things into perspective. No more desperation. Say it with me...

See, I remember what it's like to be a teenager and so on, (I just can't remember yesterday, hahaha!)and I sure remember, my thoughts, feelings and so on. I guess I'm saying, I can relate. Yea, I'm 48 but don't ya know that my sons, daughter-in-laws and their friends, call me, always invite me to their parties and want me around. It's hell to be so popular, hahaha! (I am crazy and amuse them, probably)I guess, what I'm saying too is, in some respects, I think, very young, I'm still young at heart, I suppose? Really, who wants to grow up, anyway? That's overrated, as well.I know where your head is at and there is an answer, if you'll only believe, if you'll take this and run with it.

First, let me commend you on keeping your virginity, as long as you have. In this day and age, it's almost unheard of. Hopefully, you've not broken that record but if you have, it's never too late to say no, the next time, ok? Far be it from me to throw stones, either, understand?


Sex is so over rated. I mean, sure, I've done more than my share, your share and Britney Spear's share. But back in the day, back when I was a teenager, it was quite rare for any guy to even remotely try to please you, first. It was rarely gratifying. No, it was more of a wam bam and not even a thank ya ma'am. Let me also point out that there's a huge difference between making whoopie and making love.

I know all about peer pressure, hell I think even into my 30's, I'd done things because of peer pressure. Some things I was not proud of, I was a bad bad girl but we must try to live without regret, ok?

Sometimes, writing these posts makes me crazy, as I have so much to say to you. It's often times difficult to put it all down. I'd love to know that you'd read as many posts, written with the tag, "Empowerment," from my sidebar. It is all you need, a good ol' dose of empowerment and thinking. You need to build your self-esteem!

For now, I am putting your situation aside. It's actually not the important part of this message. We need to work on you and all other things will fall into place. Yes, " Que sera sera, whatever will be will be."

Life is what you make it. How you carry yourself, is detrimental. I've never met you in my life but I will tell you like it is and it all starts with honesty, honesty with yourself. Once you are utterly and savagely honest with yourself, once you can look in the mirror, see yourself for who you truly are, it is then and only then, that things will change.

Now, you look in the mirror and you see someone who's not the epitome of a Movie Star, don't you? You have been brutally honest with yourself, I know this but you weren't able to put things into perspective. I'm no beauty queen, either but you have not been fair to yourself. No, you must learn to love yourself, be friends with yourself before you can love another, truly love.

Remember this; Whomever you choose as your life long mate, must be your best friend first.

We all have flaws, even the most beautiful people. Always remember this, as well; If you are looking for fault, you will find it.

Yes, you have looked for fault, within yourself but you failed to look for what is right, good and choice. You are not an ugly woman, I know this. You feel ugly and this is what you portray. If you do not stop this mentality, for the rest of your life, people, will see you this way. People will only see, what you want them to see. No, you must accentuate the positive, work with what God gave you and learn to shine, from within. Now, you may think this is a crock o'crap but what I give you are words to live by, words and thinking that will empower you.

Yes, you need some Behavioral Modification to the 9th power. I will tell you this much, as I said before, I am not a pretty woman but when people meet me, they remember me. Why is that Babz?

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must work a little harder in accentuating the positive, as I said. Some of us have to get up in the morning and apply our make-up a certain way, to hide the freckles of life, as I do. Some of us don't have that natural beauty, you know the one the world seems to judge you by. Those people are fake anyway and never fake the funk for them, ya heard? No, you be you and let them be them.

Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must allow our personalities to speak for us. When I walk into a room, they are never going to look at me and say, "Good God, she's drop dead gorgeous." I have found a place to live with that. Never cry over spilled milk, never cry over what you can not change. When I leave that room, they will have met a person who is witty, funny, not egotistical but real, assertive, grounded, a good and loyal friend, an all around humorous person who is positive, for the most part. Yep, you get what you see with me. You must also be that person.

You must begin with acceptance of yourself, who you are and then begin to be who you can be, all you can be. Work with what you have and stop looking for fault in yourself. Take notice of how you look for fault, in/at yourself. See, if we are looking for fault, in anybody, we will find it. You will find it in Aaron, if you choose and you have and you will even find it in Trey, if you look for it. This applies to anything and everything. It applies in your marriage, in/with your husband and so on. In example, I'm sure you've fallen head over heels in love, when you were a kid or even not that long ago. At first, you don't see their faults, as you don't choose to see them, right? All of a sudden, even with Aaron, you begin to see things in them, notice their faults, maybe even look for them. It then leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you break up. Any relationship can and will work, if you do not look for fault. Understand?

Now, back to you. Once you have been brutally honest with yourself, see your faults, then look for the good, the positive and you must strive to see it, you must then strive, really work to make the positive your persona. If you have bad habits, if you are really over weight, if you are a negative person, you look at it and you do your best to change it. You must not allow it to over whelm you, this change. Too many girls are out there, Anorexic puking their guts out, ruining their teeth and developing an Esophageal Varices, all in the name of losing weight because of unreal expectations. I have first hand knowledge, concerning this, as this was me.

You are angry, in your life, about something, (that's between you and me, I won't be specific)and you must do your best to get it out of your system. You must cut it out like a cancer because it will eat you alive. Anger kills and whatever it is you are angry about, you must begin to realize that you are the one that suffers for it. No one else, just you. When that happened to you, a few years ago, it wasn't your fault. You go from anger to shame, from anger to guilt and back again. Let it go. You can't change it you can only own it and yourself. You can't erase the past, you can only rise above it.

The people who should be important in your life are those that appreciate you, for you. If they do not have the depth to see you, the real you, they really don't matter. If they are the type that will look at you, for surface beauty and judge you, in that capacity, why would you even want to give them the time of day?

There will always be people who are that way, you know fake, plastic seekers. The guys that want the "Trophy Chick," on their arm, will often find, that they're not anything more than, something to look at. Perception is everything, for some men and they do often seek that Playgirl pinup. But the important factors in any relationship, is not sex. Sure, sex makes the world go round but a relationship it does not make. Meaning, after the lovin', if you have nothing to talk about, nothing in common, no friendship to speak of, there are too many hours to fill. In the real world, a sexual session, for no better terminology found, does not last that long. For real, there's no making love for hours upon hours. It rarely lasts that long, hell it rarely lasts more than minutes. So, if you just burned 1 out of 24 hours, what will you do next? Yes, that leaves 23 hours with this person. What will you talk about, if you have nothing in common?

Having said all this, your question in general is answered, almost by itself, within the scope of your low self esteem issues. I don't know who did this to you or why but it is clear to me that you do not believe in yourself. You will suffer for it, the rest of your life, if you do not, now, take back control. See, if you don't love you, really no one else can. You must first begin to seek happiness within yourself. You are young enough to change it all right now. Do not be discouraged, you can and will do this.

You are highly intelligent, very perceptive, a bit on the pessimistic side but an over all fun person. You are of more value than you anticipate. Stop bleeding yourself and begin to realize that the expectations you've set or rather, your views on how things should be are based not on fact but the kind of crap tabloids exploit. Especially girls, tend to fall into this trap. Be real, be you and just be the best you, you can be. Begin to re-evaluate your perceptions and values and beliefs. What other people think does not matter and you must always remember this. Otherwise, fold your cards and sit in a closet. Is that what you want?

You are on the cusp of becoming an adult, a real woman. I want to see you survive the bullshit society places, the unreal expectations, on a woman. Become assertive and sure of yourself. Take no prisoners. Give no crap, take no crap but most of all believe in yourself.

Begin a study of yourself. Then, do your homework. Start by reading some posts on Empowerment and begin to apply it to you. I have, approximately 36 posts, which speak of empowerment, practices and advice. Read as many as you can, take what you can from them and begin to heal yourself. Begin to become the woman, I believe you can be. This is your answer and all other things will begin to fall into place. You owe this to yourself and don't you ever forget it!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Wildflower

Dear Aunt Babz,

There's a really cute older male co-worker I've talked to online outside work. We had flirted and everything and even talked about having sex together. I backed out of having sex because I got scared (I'm still a virgin, he isn't). He understood when I told him I changed my mind. Anyway, I want to ask him to a movie with me, but am afraid he'll say no. I think about him A LOT and really want to hang out with him. Thanks in advance.

Dear Friend,

You'll never know, unless you ask, right? In cases such as these, you must try not to over analyze. It is however, a good thing to put things into perspective. What I'm referring to, "Putting things into perspective" can always be used, in everything you do, every situation, where the outcome is uncertain and you have anxiety, as to how things will unfold.

OK, this is what you do; You ask yourself, what is the worst thing, the worst case scenario, what could, would or can happen? You'll possibly say that he'll say no, to your invitation? Now, you must learn to live your life, realizing that you can not make someone have matching emotions. You must always anticipate that a person has a different opinion, outlook on life and the possibility is there, that he does not think about you, as you do him, right? But let's look at this and put it into perspective...

If you ask him to the movie and he says no, it will not kill you, now will it? There is the possibility that your feelings may be hurt. Then, the next thing you'll probably do is tell yourself that there's something wrong with you and this is why he has said no.

Look in the mirror and see you, who you really are and be honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you'll see a cute young woman with strong beliefs, a woman with backbone and no, you are not beautiful. I'm sorry if you thought you were. But you are not. (By the way, neither am I!)What you are is a very attractive, sporty looking sprite, who's fun, has a genuine laugh, is loyal and when you love, you love very deeply. You are quiet until you get to know someone and are a bit on the shy side. You don't have a lot of friends because you quite honestly don't care for all the gossip, competition and games girlfriends tend to play. No, you are too serious for this drivel. Yet you do have a quirky sense of humor. You are the real deal and although you don't care much for the "Dress Up" game, you do shine and clean up well. There's a side of you that thinks you are not attractive and it can and has hindered you. But the facts are, that you are attractive. You do not belong to the Popular Club, in school or at work and never really did. This is/was not because people dislike you. No, people do like you, when they get to know you but until then, they are indifferent. Why is this? It is because you are not a loud mouth, boisterous bimbo. You are, in all actuality, the kind of woman, a guy sees as "Marrying Material."

Yes, there are the "Trophy Chicks", the "In Betweens" and the "Marrying Material." See the beautiful bimbo is sought, when a man is young, dumb and you know the rest. He wants to be seen with this gorgeous girl but rarely does he take her home to meet Mom. Those girls that are within the popular circle but in between, tend to marry and divorce, very quickly. But it is the girl, every guy really wants that has backbone, isn't a sex hound, hasn't been with all his friends, has values and morals, isn't a loud mouth and he actually respects enough and is not ashamed of, that he'll take home to Mom. You are that girl.

Now, in the eventuality that this fella tells you no, you will not take it personally. You will look in the mirror and see that you are a rare breed, a treasure for Mr.Right. He just wasn't Mr.Right.

Don't worry Dear, you will not grow old by yourself, surrounded by cats. Be yourself, be real and don't change a thing. A certain fella, is gonna see you and he will cherish you, like he would a... Wildflower found in the snow.

Happy Holidays,

Aunt Babz

Full Course Meal

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi. I need help figuring out what I should do. I met a man earlier this year. He is 53 and I am 44. He
has been separated for 2 years and will soon be legally divorced. They have been apart the whole of 2 years. He has 3 children who live with her. I have one child (12). I have been divorced 2 1/2 years. My son and I tried to make a new life for ourselves I bought a home and had a good job. Then I got laid off and have had trouble finding employment. I am losing my home and my car. During these changes my relationship with this man, was just starting and he let me know right up front that he didn't love me but wanted to be exclusive and we are in a serious relationship. I love him more than I have ever felt love before. I was married for 20 years. He was married for 15 years. While we were dating I discovered he was texting the girl he had been dating before me. She is 31. And he still is and also texting a woman in another state where he grew up. We have had discussions and I think he just needs time to go through the after divorce stuff (like I did) I am willing to do that provided that I'm not being a fool. He has said he has feelings for me and he has taken us in to live with him. My trouble is I'm not sure if living with him is a good idea. I take good care of him and his kids love me and me visa versa. I really want this to work out. He has told me that he isn't ready for a commitment. He tells me that I am really great and loves the way I am as a woman. And he talks about future things with me.And he says he likes having me here with him. Most of my life has been a closed off environment resulting in no friends to speak of and lack of experience with dating. As a result I am unsure of what to expect from a man. Please feel free to ask me questions. Thank you for your help in any way.

Dear Friend,

There are no rules, anymore, when it comes to the dating game, are there? I must say, I don't care for it much and at 48 have chose to forth go, "The Hunt." I am content being alone. But most are not and I must say, I do understand your dilemma.

Exclusivity, should mean, "I give my heart to you and you only. I will not shop at other grocery stores. I will not be sneaky or entertain the notion of non exclusivity by texting other women." Obviously, his idea of exclusive, is different than ours?

No, you have absolutely no right, to dictate what your thoughts are, concerning an exclusive relationship. We are aware of this, right? I do believe old school rules are out, as well, as we encroach upon a new age...2008. I can't say as I like it or agree. Nothing's certain, in this life but progress and change. Quite often, it's not for the better, eh? Thus far, I've not seen the new rule book either. The definitions of right and wrong and all the gray areas are not in black and white. But I know this much;

If you do not define, your "Right to Happiness" and you do not speak up as to what you expect or feel an exclusive relationship entails, **I will bet this website, that it will continue as it is and possibly get worse. Tell me different and I'll shut this site down. Yes, I am that sure of myself.

At the same time, I am aware of your feelings of obligation. Yes, you feel somewhat beholden because he has taken you in. Knowing full well, that you do not and can not dictate the terms of this endearment, we must approach this from a different angle.

Had it been that you were in your own home, I would come out, guns blazing but I am Intuitive enough to realize your situation. On one hand, you are a good woman who'll do anything for her man. You'll rope the Moon, fry it up in a pan and serve it in your sexiest lingerie, maybe even in one of his shirts(they do so love that). You are sure enough, of yourself, as a woman, that out of respect, you'll allow this man to lead, figuratively and literally, in life, dancing and even run the remote. Yes, you are a good woman but you're no dummy and least of all, you can't stand to be played. Am I right? I also feel that you are not sure, how to proceed because of this unique situation and the fact that he has made it clear to you that and you stated, verbatim,"he let me know right up front that he didn't love me but wanted to be exclusive and we are in a serious relationship."

The Games People Play

Never be a victim, Darling, nor a martyr for the cause. See, there are defining factors here. I assume that you sleep with him, possibly in the same bed? When two people live together, that bed becomes the marriage bed, morally and physically. But does our friend want his pie, donuts, cake and eat it too? Many men, if given the chance, would want it all. Meaning, if they had a good woman, such as yourself, to come home to but could also play little games and get away with it, they most certainly would and do. Your guy has the best of both worlds and why would he change it? Basically, as it stands, you don't feel you have the right to call him on his crap, do you? I do understand though. What to do?

Find the proper time, that perfect moment, when you know he's open to a few questions. Quite often, that's right before he believes he's about to get lucky, (I'm giggling, sorry, as I remember those perfect moments of interrogation). As any expert interrogator knows, you must be armed to the teeth with the proper way to present your questions. You want to get the maximum effect and outcome, in as little time, as possible. Yes, you must rehearse and orchestrate your questions.

This will be a full course meal, with exotic twists and tastes, things he may not have tasted before. Start with cocktails, literally and figuratively, something to cleanse the palate. You might make the statement, " I wanted to tell you that I am more than appreciative for your help, for myself, as well as my child [insert name]. For this, I am so thankful and hope you have been aware of my gratitude. Actions do speak louder than words, do they not?" I assume he will validate your good, supportive and for lack of a better word, "Wifely" behaviors.

As an appetizer, you'll want to serve up an ego fluffier. "I think you know, just how deeply I care for you. I've not cared for any man, as I have for you. I do believe you care, as you've indicated, while not intending to commit? Right?"


For the second course, you serve up,the dense soup "While our relationship is unique, please define exclusivity for me?" (I wish I was a fly on the wall for this one) "While I am not pressuring you, for commitment, I would never want to be a fool or even worse, set myself up for the fall."

I think by simply asking for some definition, you might get to the bottom of what's important; Is your guy getting the milk free without buying the cow? Yes, you have a right to know

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Mistaken Blame

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am in bad need of some advice to solve a problem I am having;

My husband took some money from one of our dear friends for an investment in a home. Our friend was hesitant but my husband convinced them. Needless to say the investment is still working and our friend has wanted out for some time now. He said he will for go any profit and just wants the initial money he put in and they have had some profit. My husband has taken a majority of the profit for his own use. I have been so sick over this and not been able to sleep because my friend calls me and tells me how bad they need the money. I confronted my husband about this and he lied to me about the amount of money that was owed to our friend which really angered me. I also found out how bad our finances really are. We have been having a lot of problems lately and decided a trial separation would be best. However, our friend wants me to pay him back from our money because they believe my husband is going to go under and have to file bankruptcy. Then, they will never get their money back as well as the fact that we are separating. If I leave, they feel they will also not get their money back. So do I pay my friend? They really mean a lot to me and I don't want to burn that bridge and am also moving very close to them and do not want to have any bad blood between us. I know my husband will be furious if I pay them so please tell me what to do I want to do the right thing here . Please help me decide what to do I want to sleep at night what do I do?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

I have been in a similar situation, actually, even closer to home. My husband borrowed $1,200 from my son. My son, Bill, had received a settlement on his 18th Birthday and it didn't take long, till my husband decided to ask, to borrow money. He is not my sons Father. Thus, when he didn't pay him back, I most certainly was plagued with guilt. It took me some time, grappling with the confines of starting over, after leaving my husband, to pay my son back. It actually took a couple years, with small payments from tax returns, Management Bonuses, etc..

Was I the one who should have paid that money back? I'd say no. Should I have felt the guilt, that went along with taking money from my 18 year old son? Possibly and I most certainly did and still do. I saw my husband as an extension of myself. At the same time, you are an extension of your husband, an agent of his estate. Do you owe this money? Oh hell no! Your hook-n-jive ex-hubby, clearly owes that money. Would I feel obligated to pay this money back? Yes, unfortunately, I would. But again, I do not feel you owe that money. What to do?

I do not know your financial situation. I assume, it's not the best it could be or should be. You are caught in the middle and it is not fair of the friend to ask you, for money. At the same time, I can see, they must need the money or they'd not ask. Now, it doesn't sit well with me, that this friend placed you in the middle. He clearly went in, on this deal, with your husband, adult eyes wide open. No one held a gun to his head and demanded money. Furthermore, his financial problems, at this juncture, are surely not your problem. I do believe, he'd be in his own dire straits, regardless of this house deal. What would he do or say, if he didn't have you as the fall guy, for his own monetary dilemma? Well, I'll answer that for you; He'd have to pull himself up by his own bootstraps and dig in, find the money and solve his own problems. No, instead, he has come to you, hoping for a handout, for money you don't owe. That stinks to me, I can smell it all the way to Long Island. But you still have guilt and you'll still feel somewhat responsible, huh? What to do?

I can understand that you are the Peacemaker here, right? As it stands, none of this is fair to you, least of all, your husband, for deviating from the facts. It seems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't huh?

Having said all this and I do say what I mean, mean what I say and always try not to say it too mean, I choose my words carefully and write with intent, I'd like you to reread it and allow it to empower you.

The facts are that you are separated from your husband. Why do you really care, that he will be furious? No, I think it's time you allowed him to understand that he has been less than honest, he's played dirty pool and it has now placed you in the middle. That alone, should be enough to piss you off. Somehow though, I have the feeling that your hubby will act as if he's pissed off, "The nerve of that bastard for asking you for money, I don't owe him." This is, of course, a ruse to cover his guilt. So, knowing his reaction ahead of the program, I do recommend that you write him a note, left in a place, he's sure to get it. mail it, if you have to and tell him that you do not appreciate his under handed business practice with, what he used to call, a "Friend." You then interject, "What happened to the idea, that a man is as good as his word?" You then proceed to tell him, that this is his baby and as a man, he needs to deal with his affairs and make an attempt at righting "HIS" wrong. You make it clear that it is not fair, for you to have to even think about this. "Did I make this business deal, with this man? Did I have control of the money from this house? And most importantly, "Am I responsible for all this?" I would then ask him to step up to bat , as a man and take care of business. "These are our friends and he did invest money, didn't he? Even if you don't agree to the amount he states you owe him, do you not owe him something, even the amount you say, is the right amount? Do you not feel, as a man, that you should at least make an effort to take care of your business? If you can't pay him, don't you feel, as a man, you should tell him this? Don't you feel, as a man that it is your obligation, to handle this, instead of your wife?"

Once upon a time, a man was as good as his word and only as good as his word. I think a carefully written note, using this exact wording, I have laid out, will make him look at his stand, on the matter. He will have to look in the mirror and see himself, as the man he is not. Or at least question his own ethics and just how unfair this is to you.

In the event that this does not work or you are a bit fearful to challenge your husband in this manner, I suggest that you carefully put all this into perspective for yourself. If you must or you feel the absolute need to pay this debt, I feel they have no choice but to take a payment, a good will gesture. I dare say, you should not be put out, do without and making a small payment, in hopes that your hubby will buck up, is plausible.

I do hope, you will evaluate how you've been placed, smack dab in the middle of this. I hope you will look at and evaluate your "Friendship," as well as your relationship with a man who doesn't or won't honor his word. I do believe you've looked at this, already and your separation, if nothing else, will make your husband look at his principles. Stand your ground.

Lastly, as I am a huge proponent, a true believer in the vows we exchange, on our wedding day, never think I am in any way, encouraging you to throw in the towel, on your marriage. If nothing else, I hope you will take this situation and make an example out of it. Play for keeps, my friend. Take a stand and say what needs to be said. Force your husband to look at his mess, his behaviors and his business practices. When it's all said and done...what do you have to lose? But you do have everything to gain, huh? If nothing else, allow this to empower you by asserting what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong and none of this...is your wrong.

Aunt Babz Commentary; The Reason for the Season

What is really going on??

Megan Meier's Mother, holding her pictures
Have you followed the story about Megan Meier, who hung herself, after a purported fake guy/fake profile, reeled her in as a love interest and then cruelly blew her off? ABC News Story

She states it's not her blog. On all accounts, it reads to me as authentic, what do you think. While I would side with her and her dilemma, the name of the blog,
"Megan Had It Coming," is plainly wrong and tends to sway me. I am left wondering? What do you think, did Lori Drew, the woman behind the fake MySpace profile, write the blog?

Here's one, rather cruel take on the story from Scared Monkeys;

Internet Cruel Intentions: 13 Year Old Megan Meier Commits Suicide After Cruel, Sick MySpace Hoax (Josh Evans)

There are sick acts that occur on the internet and then there are others that go beyond words and logic. We always warn children and teens that there are consequence to their actions. In the case of adults … there is no excuse. The following account is one of the most depressing and heinous acts of cyber-bullying and internet fraud against a teen ever. The tragedy that followed, almost makes the story impossible to read. However, everyone should and most read it and beware of those that would be such cowards on the internet to pretend to be someone they are not and to harass others. In this case the resulting tragedy was suicide.

A 13 year old girl, Megan Meier, committed suicide by hanging herself due to the insensitive and cruel actions of an adult who perpetrated a cruel hoax. 13 year old Megan Meier, who suffered from depression and attention deficit disorder, thought she was talking on MySpace to a boy her own age named Josh Evans.

Josh Evans never existed … he was a hoax!!!

The story that follows becomes one of the most insensitive and vicious hoaxes ever done on the internet. Especially when one considers that adults took part in it against an unsuspecting minor. The result is the death of a 13 year old.

DARDENNE PRAIRIE, Mo. (AP)— Megan Meier thought she had made a new friend in cyberspace when a cute teenage boy named Josh contacted her on MySpace and began exchanging messages with her.

Megan, a 13-year-old who suffered from depression and attention deficit disorder, corresponded with Josh for more than a month before he abruptly ended their friendship, telling her he had heard she was cruel.

The next day Megan committed suicide. Her family learned later that Josh never actually existed; he was created by members of a neighborhood family that included a former friend of Megan’s.

The parents of Megan Meier hope the people who made the fraudulent profile on the social networking Web site, MySpace, will be prosecuted and they are seeking legal changes to safeguard children on the Internet. This was the actions of adults, not children or teenager. Adults! These people should be prosecuted to the full extent of whatever law can be used.

“But when adults are involved and continue to screw with a 13-year-old, with or without mental problems, it is absolutely vile,” she told the Suburban Journals of Greater St. Louis, which first reported on the case.

The story gets even worse as the newspaper, St. Charles Journal, who first ran with this story then protected the identities of the adultswho drove a 13 year old over the edge to hang herself. The blogosphere and internet community became incensed and outed those responsible for the death of Megan Meier. KUDOS to those on the internet that outed those responsible. No one, especially an adult should be allowed to hide behind anonymity when there is a death … NO ONE!!!

Commentary

It gets even uglier, when people, such as blogger, Douchebags Reunite, outs Lori Drew by calling her a "Murderer," and lists the womans address. Of course, I think thoughtless and arrogant people, like this woman, need slapped. Your tag line of, "Being stupid has never been this cool..." speaks volumes. I'm certainly glad you are not in complete denial as to your own mental state. Why do you feel the need to stir the Pot of Pain?

Tis the Season for What???

More Babz Commentary

Did We Cut Off Our Nose To Spite Our Face???

We have children, sometimes it isn't planned but for many, it is the prospect of having a family, that is our goal. As well, I do not believe we think through, the full magnitude of what parenting, the actual job of it, if you will, really entails.

I will try not to jump on the soapbox but women, in their/our quest for equal rights and a wish to enter the work force, to make as much money as our male counterpart, have a serious career and live noteworthy lives, in many instances, have allowed their parenting to become a second rate lifestyle/situation. But Babz what the hell are you talking about?

Here, let me spell it out for you; We work[women] long hours, holding key positions. We strive to be the very best, proving that, oh yes, we can do anything and everything a man can do. And you damn right, we can and let me say this, we should be paid the same wage, as men. We still struggle for this equality and even I have been discriminated against because I lacked a glans. If we can't, however, do that job with the same gusto, if we can not perform that job, i.e., gaff that pole, pull that fire house, carry that equipment because we do have physical differences, from men, we should not and I repeat, " we should not be paid for that job, the same wage as the man who can climb that pole to install telephone wire, etc." Therein lies the joke and I'm not laughing

But Babz, how does this all have any impact on or anything to do with this MySpace thingy?

This Holiday Season, I have a few things, I'd like you to consider. Thus far, we have, for one, lost touch with reality, as to what "The Reason For The Season," is all about. How did this happen? And Babz, really, how does this too, apply to what you are talking about?

We have spoiled, for lack of a better word, our children, most likely out of guilt, for not being there, with expensive gifts. You could never again, get away with giving your son/daughter, that one gift set of the hat, scarf and mittens or their favorite music CD, along with a book, yada yada yada. It's keep up with the Jones and Smiths. Get my drift? No, you will go out this year and buy them a Wii, PC, Xbox, Playstation and we will spend thousands, if not several hundred dollars in an appeasement of our guilt. Sure we want to give our kids the world and I felt the shame, have a real distaste and anxiety up the wazoo, at Christmas time because as a single Mom, I couldn't pull the money out of my keester to buy each of my three sons, all those expensive gifts that Bobby and Mary down the street were getting and flaunting.

The days of crocheting a hat and mittens, as your gift, are gone. Right in the garbage went our values and beliefs, the very principle behind that reason for the season. You'll also find, in that garbage, values and beliefs concerning how we rear our children with even the most kindergarten of instillment; Do unto others as you would have done to you. This is big, huge and not without a universal magnitude.

Bullies have thrived for ages, this is actually nothing new. But if you'll remember and I'm speaking mainly to you Baby Boomers, the bullies were so outnumbered. It was usually that kid from the broken home, who lived in that run down house, with the mean dog. For the most part, it wasn't a pack of guys/girls, as it is now, out to utterly destroy anyone who doesn't fit into their mold of the haves and the have nots, the beautiful and not so beautiful. Our children have become vicious, vindictive and very mean. It is going on, right under our noses. You have purposely, looked the other way.

The American Dream Becomes A Myth/Lie

Somewhere, along the lines, we didn't instill the values and principles, trickled down through the ages. We left out the beliefs and life altering perceptions of understanding, of that basic premise, to treat others as you want to be treated. In our post Dr.Spock era, in that behavioral science of treating our kids with respect(and no spankings) and honoring them as kids with opinion, we left out the most elementary of rules; Respect...respect for others, respect for life and liberty, respect for adults, respect for ourselves, respect and value for material things and I could, quite seriously, go on forever.

How did this happen? That answer is two fold, I believe. Quite often, we have old school Dad's who are groping to understand our journey to be independent women. We assert ourselves, as "That Girl," with mixed emotion cause when we grow up, we wanna be that girl who has it all. We want a career, family(2.5 children), that beautiful 4 bedroom house, that SUV, credit cards, 52 inch flat screen t.v., computer in every room, beautiful clothes cause by God, we will not wear Walmart stuff, only Ann Taylor suits and drive a Lexus. Yes, we want it all. But our mothers were on the cusp of this new wave, new age thinking and in turn taught our men that, they work, come home and the wife does the cooking, cleaning and raising of the children. So, we work, run the kids to soccer practice, try to keep the house up all the while, making that instant dinner, you know the one that comes frozen, in a bag? We stopped sitting at the table for dinner, we're so rushed to get it all done. We are juggling so much, we don't even know our own children. Yes, because of that deviated perception of the American Dream, gone awry, we must work to maintain it and we've become that two income family, a necessity just to keep all those balls in the air.

Can you guess, just who it is, that suffers the consequence of our distorted dreams? Can you guess, who is sacrificed, inevitably raised by a system that is not working, i.e., our schools, T.V., Internet? Yes, it is our children, who from an early age, are placed in daycare, cared for by people who really don't love your children but handle them appropriately, if you're lucky, to just do their job. Once they are old enough, we feel it is the job of the school to teach them everything and we think they are getting all they need, at school. We allow them to watch, more and more violence, sexual content and learn false values from T.V. and on the Internet. Yes, we're just glad they're occupied, so we have a minutes peace, to fold the laundry. We omitted sitting and teaching them, reminding them to strive to be good people and as I mentioned before, to only treat others as we want to be treated, especially with regards to respect and a charitable heart.

I could place the full blame of this on the Mother but that would be a half truth. Yes Dad, you just love being able to come home, park your new Hummer in the driveway, walk in the door, to a fairly quiet house cause your kids are out or they're busy, in a Chat room, IMing their friends and you're able to get your dinner, put your feet up and watch Jon Stewart on your Flat Screen. Yea, you mow the lawn once a week and trim the shrubs, hopefully take the trash out which affords you the inalienable right to run the remote and watch what you want on T.V. cause you are the King of the Castle. Did your Dad teach you this? Back then of course, your Mom may have stayed home or at most, she worked a little part-time job, the beginnings of our assertion, as women. You heard Dad make the statement, "No wife of mine is gonna work." He eventually folded his cards, in the name of progress but still had the belief, handed down that, he didn't do dishes or laundry, "Oh hell no, men don't do dishes. That's womens work, son"

We're all mixed up, in this foggy American Dream. We've lost touch with what's important, especially in regards to our children, We need to seriously look at this. If we don't we will continue to have mass killings, such as what has just happened in an Omaha, Nebraska Mall and children, so distraught, not able to be comforted by their parents, for whatever reason, as the suicide, I've mentioned earlier.

Before it is too late, we need to look at our own values and beliefs, especially those we are passing down to the next selfish, greedy, plastic generation, we'll fondly call, "Generation Fake."

Could you possibly give yourself and family, the gift of assessing these ideas and principles, wrought with wrong? This Holiday Season, give your children, one thing, if nothing else, the wisdom that there is a Reason for the Season and maybe make a New Years resolution, to take your job and responsibilty as a parent, as seriously as it commands.

Oh and never be afraid to say Merry Christmas!!

On Top of the Program

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world, but i keep thinking he's flirting with my best friend and my best is slowly flirting with him! i really like him and want to keep him for everrrrrrrrrr! So what shall i do i soooooooo want to keep him for ever hes soooooooooo cute!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

From troubled lover

Dear Troubled Lover,

Well, you've not given me too much to go on but this is surely a classic case. It's also nothing I've not seen before, nor is it anything I've not experienced myself. I'd be willing to bet, this happens all the time, to countless couples, friends and so on. But it can be fixable, just as Soulseer says, "All things, in life, are fixable."

I can tell that you are young and ask you to pay attention, to what I write to you. Life lessons, my Dear, I will tell you things, you may carry all your life, ok?

It's no big secret, that guys are hardwired differently than we are. They think about sex, all the time, a constant, the younger they are. It's also no big secret than men are more apt to fool around, that's a statistical fact, unfortunately. Having said this, you have to remember to be smarter than the average girl/woman.

This guy may not be Mr. Right, the man you will marry but if he is or isn't, you can apply what I write you to this and future relationships, ok?

Trust is the biggest factor, in any relationship. While you may trust your man, you never feed him to the Lioness', you never look the other way and you never believe it won't happen to you or your man is exempt from the urges of temptation.

You'll make yourself sick, if you allow it to run you but you just have to be on top of the game. For the guys that like to place themselves into situations where they may be tempted, i.e. going to bars, strip clubs, frat parties, beach parties, etc., where you are not present, they are certainly placing themselves in the line of fire. When and if they add the factor of drinking/drugs, their inhibitions and ability to abstain from temptation is almost always compromised. I'd be willing to bet that most guys, if and when they did fool around, would admit they were under the influence. They like to blame it on drinking, an excuse for their indiscretion.

While you can not stop them from doing what they want to do, you can make it very clear that what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander. You must always place them in your shoes, let them feel what you are feeling, when they go out and you don't know what they are really up to. I have rarely seen a guy who has the capability to really understand, until they themselves live it, what it's like for you to sit home, wondering what they are up to. Wonder and worry. So, sometimes, you must turn the tables and let them sit home and wonder if some guy is hitting on you. I hate to say it but often times, this is the only way they'll really get the gist of the emotions that go with this. I had to do this because my husband was always saying that he "needed" a night out with the guys. I'd sit home wondering what was really going on. After a few Saturday nights, home alone, I made the decision to put him in the hot seat. It changed his opinion about things as he sat wondering and waiting. Just an example.

While this may not apply to you, at this age and juncture of your life, it may, a few years from now and the concept, of placing them, in your shoes, rings true for everything.

You don't want to be perceived as a worry wart, possessive, jealous or accusing, I think you need only to put things into perspective for your guy. At first opportunity, you sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that's just too much, not to mention. Then, you have to spin things, just a bit. While it is not a lie, you must have a certain approach, as to how you lay all this out.

You tell him that you care so much about him but you're not stupid. Now, this is the important part; You tell him that you've noticed your friend, coming on to him and then you tell him, he's probably not even aware of it. See, by saying it, like this, you are not accusing him and he won't put up a wall of defense. You are shifting the blame on your girlfriend, that lil' hussy. I might add that she's not much of a friend, knowing that you care for him, so very much and flirting with him, right under your nose. Actually, it's pretty disrespectful and she's crossed that fine line between being friendly with your boyfriend and being out and out flirtatious.

"I will not be disrespected, in this manner and from this point on, I'll ask you to keep your distance from her, as she is not really my friend anymore."

My Dear, you do not need friends that will blatantly disrespect you, understand? You tell him this too. Friends don't flirt with the guy you care about, even if they are pretending to just be fooling around.

By saying all this to him but not accusing him, he will now see that you are on top of the program, you are not blind and you want nothing more to do with a friend that would throw a wrench in the works of your happy relationship. In turn, him knowing that you can see what's happening, he'll cool his heels, maybe keep his distance from her because he knows you know what's what. Yes, always be on top of the program, be one step ahead of the game.

The next step, is you go to this supposed girlfriend and you let her know that she has disrespected you by being overly flirtatious with your guy and you'd appreciate it, if she would stop as he's getting the wrong idea. Guys eat it up, when a girl flirts with them but it opens doors of opportunity that should not be open.

If you feel you can't approach this friend and tell her that she's done you wrong, which she has, you begin a plan of distancing yourself from her and especially when you are with your guy. Remember, with friends like her, who needs enema's?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"What's The Real Deal?"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...


Dear Aunt Babz,

I met Kate during a trip to L.A. this past March. We met while in line to be in a television show audience. (Actually, it was the Ellen show!) We ended up chatting for hours while in line. Anyways… I was in town with my family just for the weekend, and she was living there for work for a few months. She ended up offering my family & I a ride to the airport the next day.

We had exchanged phone numbers and sent texts to each other asking ‘how are you?’ and whatnot (nothing much at all) over the course of the rest of the spring, and then the summer. More and more texts were exchanged, and in August, right after she broke up with her girlfriend, she randomly invited me to her house in Austin for a pool party. (Luckily I can fly for free because my mom works for American Airlines).

At the pool party, we all ended up drinking, and that night, Kate asked me to sleep in her bed. We ended up fooling around, but did not have sex. She initiated it all. We cuddled and sleep together in her bed.

Over the course of the next few months, I began visiting nearly every other weekend. We began calling each other several times a day, and having very long phone conversations…sometimes going on as long as two or more hours. I even had my mother put her on her flight benefits list so that she could fly for very cheap.

One night, after fooling around, she asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. I told her no. She told me she wasn’t either and hadn’t been.

In October, she invited me to her cousins’ big Halloween party in Louisiana. We flew together there, slept in her cousins’ spare bedroom bed together (cuddled, no sex), and had a wonderful time in general.

When she drives me to the airport, sometimes she puts her hand on my thigh or hold my hand. She never kisses me goodbye, just hugs.

We still talk every single day, and when we aren’t on the phone with each other, we text a lot.

Now here is the PROBLEM. One day, I texted Kate and told her that I regretted not having kissed her when I said goodbye at the airport (thinking that she’d say something to the same effect back.) She responded by saying that I could have kissed her, but that she is NOT on the market for “something serious.” I responded telling her I really like her, or something like that.

In November, Kate invited me to an early Thanksgiving dinner at her family’s house (a week prior to the real Thanksgiving). I said yes, and in turn, invited her also to my family’s Thanksgiving. I ended up going with her, and I met her parents and sister and all that jazz. She turned down my invitation because she had to go to her grandparents for the real Thanksgiving.

One night we were fooling around and she said, “You realize I’m going to have to stop.” (Meaning she wasn’t going to have sex with me, just fool around only). I told her this is something we should talk about. I asked her what “serious” means to her, she said “no commitment” and “more recently, I guess, no sex.” (Her and I do fool around quite heavily, and make out, and all that kinda stuff, but never have actually had full-on sex with each other.)

I asked Kate the next day if she would prefer to just be friends (and I mentioned that we aren’t always very “friendly” with each other, meaning that we go above and beyond that…). She said that “friends is best” and that lots of times when people drink, they fool around. And that’s another time, every single time we have ever really fooled around, we have always have some amount of alcohol before that. We aren’t usually DRUNK, just have lower inhibitions.

Kate’s best friend / cousin who I’ve met and hung out with many times as well, told me that Kate adores me, but isn’t really ready for a relationship. And that I should “give her some time.”

Kate and I still talk EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE times a day. AND text like crazy. We call to tell each other anytime anything funny or big or serious happens in our lives. We plan trips together, and talk about what sorts of things we should do in the future, (example: camping, Europe trip, etc).

One time we had a conversation and she said that she does not want to sleep with multiple people, and she just wanted to make sure I knew that. She asked me if I was into that, and I said no.

She just claims that in the past she has “jumped into relationships” and is “opposed” to doing that again. She said she isn’t ready for one right now. She says that I’m “adorable.” She kisses me and holds me whenever I sleep over. She asks me big deep questions and shows a serious interest in my life and my dreams and goals, etc.

BUT I have heard her say many confusing and conflicting things. Once when she was drinking I heard her say, “IF I was single…” Yet another time, I overheard her say, “I’m not REALLY in a relationship.” And still another time she told me that a friend asked her if she had a girlfriend, and she said no.

I am SO CONFUSED. I thought after four months of visiting her, sleeping in her bed, meeting her family, talking to her several times daily, confiding in her, kissing her, fooling around with her, holding her while she slept, etc. we were girlfriends… But I guess I’m wrong?

If she says “friends is best” should I tell her that when I visit again, I cannot sleep in her bed, nor make out or fool around with her, or anything like that? Should I ask her what “girlfriend” means to her?

WHAT SHOULD I DO???

I am falling in love with her and I thought she felt the same, and she tells me four months into dating that she is not looking for anything serious. But I think that everything I have mentioned above is enough criteria to be considered her girlfriend, no? Except the sex part. But we DO fool around heavily, and nearly have sex all the time. To me, sex is extra. A relationship is more about the connection and the emotions. Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m SO confused and I would REALLY appreciate any advice you could provide.

Thanks SO much.

-Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,

So far, I feel you've been extremely patient, possibly, more than most. But I get an over all feeling, that some serious head games are being played here. Control and manipulation, also come to mind.

Kate may very well have really good reasons, for her behavior but it still doesn't sit well. It's quite possible that Kate has been seriously burned, in the past and feels the need to wear an Asbestos Suit? I mean, we have to respect her feelings and I believe you have but none of this has been very fair to you and it's got you in knots. It must be terribly difficult to go through the motions and emotions, thus far, you've had to endure.

At this juncture, in this game, I ask you, truly, what do you have to lose, if you open up a bit more and reveal the truth to her? The truth being, telling her that you care for her beyond friendship. The truth is also that she's sending out mixed signals, in the name of friendship.

I've been very close to girlfriends, in the past. I have found myself, in a similar situation where we crossed the line, usually, under the influence. Of course, it quite often changed the components of our friendship, as it always will.

Even if Kate doesn't mean to be manipulating, she most certainly is and shows clear signs of being very controlling. She seems, to keep you at arms length, pulls you close and then pushes you back. She's either a very messed up individual, for whatever reason or she's calculating and is methodically orchestrating this whole scenario. Only you can answer this question???

Taking Back Control

Just as there are different levels of love, there are also varying degrees of friendship. But quite honestly, you have to ask yourself, really, do good friends mess around, as you have? Sure, shit happens but over and over? No, most friends do not sleep together, even if it's only everything but the actual act of orgasm. Honestly, I do believe if you took a poll and you asked people if friends mess around, they'd say, "NO." Of course, ever person and every friendship is different and there are no rules which actually define your relationships. Only you can define friendship and I do believe you'd not be writing me, if you weren't perplexed and looking for that friendship definition, yourself.

I have the distinct feeling that Kate has many secrets. I am not implying that she's deceptive or out and out dishonest. However, I do feel she has conveniently omitted parts of her life or rather reasons for her behavior. Although it's not unusual for someone to want to take things slowly, to be cautious and even to make the statement that they don't want to get into, "something serious," I think it's high time to take back control.

Alright, you can stay in limbo land forever or you can ask yourself, "Do I really want to play this game?" As I said before, you have nothing to lose by revealing some or all of your feelings and emotions, at this point. You certainly do not have any semblance of a real relationship, if she can't even say you are her girlfriend. Being her girlfriend doesn't commit you to forever but it does say what you mean to each other. Is it not time for some definition here?

I always tell my clients, the best way to communicate some of your deepest emotion is on paper, by writing a letter. If you feel this is too impersonal, I recommend crib notes, when you make the call. I would simply say, that at this point, you feel she wants a commitment from you by asking you if you are sleeping with anybody? What if you said yes, you were sleeping with other people, would that upset her? In turn, it is within your right, to ask for some definition as to how you both really feel. It doesn't have to have a "Serious," label, to command some definition, either. I mean you can tell her that you are not asking her to marry you, it's just that you really care about her, enough to ward off any other relationships, out of loyalty to what? Is it loyalty to friendship? If it is just friendship, you do not commit to that person. I think she has, in so many words and innuendo's, asked you to commit, yet holds you at bay. You know it too, don't you? Tell her you're not asking her to move in or marry but you feel she owns your heart. Now, what will you do with my heart?

She must care for you or she'd not invite you to family affairs and so on. Beyond the friendship, you've behaved as a couple, when it's been convenient for her. I think it's safe to say, you have a right to definition and simply stated, you ask her, out and out, if she cares enough to let you in on her big secret; Her real feelings.

On the flip side, she may be struggling with Lesbian situations? It's a possibility that she will not go all the way because she might think it's wrong? There's a lot of religious junk, people can often go through, in their struggle to be true to themselves. I as well as my own son, have struggled with the ramifications of a gay lifestyle and so on. Is it wrong? Is it against what God wants for me? Having said this, I must say that I believe that God made us, he knows our heart and being gay is as natural to us, as it is to hetero's. I think the problem, as far as religion goes, is in the blatant deviance. I do not feel God likes us just going out on Friday and Saturday nights just to hook up and score. But that goes for everybody, not just the Gay community. So, ask yourself, is this a possibility, that she is having a hard time to grips with her sexuality?

I think you need to communicate and have a serious conversation, making it clear that you care, enough to question the magnitude of your relationship. Tell her, it's time to show her cards and although she owes you nothing, you care enough to ask, "What's The Real Deal?" You owe it to yourself, remember this!

It's A Matter of Trust

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

HI MY NAME IS NICOLE. I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW. HIS NAME IS JAMES. WE HAVE A 1 YR OLD BABY TOGETHER. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN KINDA ROCKY THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS AND ALOT OF IT HAS TO DO WITH ME. I FOUND OUT A COUPLE YEARS THAT JAMES WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN. HE SAID HE WAS BI. WE CONTINUED OUR RELATIONSHIP TILL NOW. I HAD SOMEWHAT DISTANCED MYSELF AWAY FROM HIM BECUASE I WAS SCARED. NOW HE TELLS ME THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE SOMETHING WITH ME AGAIN AND I DIDNT LET HIM SO HE MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETHER SO ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DEAL WITH. HE IS TALKING TO A MAN NOW. I HAD FINALLY REALIZED THAT I LOVE THIS PERSON AND THAT I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM. HE SAYS HE WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE BUT HE IS GOING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES ALONG. OUR SEX LIFE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. WE HAD BEEN TALKING THE LAST WEEK ABOUT US. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ODD BECUASE HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US HAVE A DAUGHTER TO AND THAT HAPPENED. THE ONLY THING IM LOST ON IS HIS SEXUALITY. HE SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH A MAN, BUT HE ALSO SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME IF WE WORK THINGS OUT. HE SAYS HE INTENDS TO HAVE GAY FRIENDS. BUT HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE WANTS A CONNECTION WITH SOMEBODY WHETHER ITS A MAN OR WOMEN. I DONT KNOW IF HES TRULLY GAY OR IF HE BI. HE SAYS HE FINDS MEN REALLY ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SAYS HE COULD MARRY ME IF WE WORK ON IT. CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INPUT ON WHAT YOU THINK?
THANKS
NICOLE

Dear Nicole,

My first instinct and thoughts are that you must not settle. You mention that the sex is great but out of a 24 hour period, how much of that time is spent in the bed, huh? You must also enjoy the company of your lover/husband. Now, you may very well have just failed to mention, that you enjoy his company? But first and foremost, your man must also be your best friend and someone you can trust.

Trust comes in many forms and fashion. Trust can mean, that you trust him with your very life. Trust can also mean that you trust that he will not hurt you, once you've invested your heart, with him. Of course, can you trust him to be loyal and monogamous? In this day and age, you sleep with whomever he sleeps with, get my drift. I have many friends with HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C, including myself, my dead husband and my second husband, so don't think it can't happen to you.

My advice to you, is to make your feelings known that if you two do hook up, you must be able to trust him, as you have far too much to lose. I also would like you to really look at your real relationship; Is it a fancy? Is it really love or infatuation or lust? Make sure you know the difference before you commit.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Oh Baby"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz

Greetings, I hope this message finds you in good health and happy.

A little background information might make it a little easier to understand my plight, so...I'm a 22 year old stay at home mom married just 8 months, with a 3 month old daughter. I was 4 months pregnant when I married my husband, and yes he is the biological father of my daughter.

Pregnancy had taken it's toll on me, making it impossible to have sex through the first trimester due to hormones. Hence we went from making love several times a day in an attempt to get pregnant, to not at all because I was sick so much.

Then in my third trimester, he ceased to want me. Whether it was due to my growing size or some other reason, I'm not sure, but sex when it did happen was short and with out satisfaction from my aspect. Thus, our sex life became nothing more than my giving him hand and blow jobs.

So I hoped things would get better after the baby was born but we have always been warned it takes time to get things right, so "go slow, make it more like a courtship" but he has expressed no interest in making it like that at all. He either wants to get in, get off and get to sleep or he wants hand and blow jobs. Either way, I get left out. If I tell him that I'm not getting anything out of our sex life than I'm just "bitching all the time about sex" and "he could last longer for me if we had sex more often" (by the way, that is an impossibility with a colicky, teething baby).

All this got worse when he decided to buy a vibrator. I figured it would be an occassional play thing, but he wants to use it on me all the time, never actually making love to me any more. We either sixty nine with him using it on me, or he uses it on me then wants a blow job after I get off.

And every time he uses it, he tells me later that the only way he can get me off is to use a vibrator on me.

What is a girl to do when her husband doesn't want to put forth the effort to give her an orgasm during sex and complains when she gets off with the vibrator he bought and uses on her? I mean I feel so guilty everytime I get off because he complains that he can't please me, but he never actually tries to please me. In six months I have had a grand total of 10 orgasms. He gets at least three a week.

Should I roll over and play dead like they say women do after marriage or should I keep trying? (And for that matter, do women stop wanting sex after marriage because their husbands stop trying to please them?)

Sincerely

Sarah L

The sexually frustrated housewife

Dear Sarah L,

BOY do I hear you!!! After pregnancy so many things can just go all wonky with sex and sexual desire. I myself was in my third trimester and hornier then I don’t know what.. and my husband was really freaked out over sex. “It” was too close to the baby, was his argument.. lol! Still, no matter who you are, sex is an issue that if not discussed can get really really bad.

The thing is, I personally don’t think that people can ever talk enough about their sexual wants with their partner. It’s not a matter of who is doing what right or wrong. It’s about mutual pleasure and what we need in order to feel “whole” in our lives.

Definitely keep talking to your husband. Try not to take a negative spin on the talks (like that you haven’t gotten off from him is really dampering), but play up the positives (like how you feel when he kisses you, and how good his touch is to you. And you know what, you just might have to fake it a few times. Why? Because right now he is discouraged and needs to know that his effort is worth something. Sure, it will relate to you being all ready to go and feeling not at all satisfied. But deal. It is for the betterment of your relationship right now. I normally don’t tell people to fake it… but this guy needs an ego boost, and you need the proper loving. So in order to get that, you need to either “prep” before getting into it… or fake it so that his confidence returns and the vibrator takes a back seat. Then things will start to be a little better.

One thing I will ask though, is have you thought maybe he bought the vibrator for a different reason? Sometimes men find the adjustments after a baby is born really hard.. and he might not even realize (could be his subconscious) that he bought a sexual device that is unable to impregnate. In short, he’s afraid to knock you up again. Very real possibility of that, and you should talk about that too. Because if he is afraid to climax because of that reason.. you will have to talk about your wants with regard to more kids and birth control and all that stuff. And maybe that is the only issue.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!
~Xmichra