Dear Aunt Babz, Alright, here goes. There are two boys in my life at this point in time. My best friend Trey, and my friends with benefits Aaron. I have had feelings for my best friend for quite a while now, and have told him this, and he has declined my request to be more. He thinks now that I have lost these feelings, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won't get many men to like me. Aaron says that he has these feelings for me, but when he told me this, I had no such feelings for him, but to give it a shot, and perhaps because I would like him in time, I took it to a instinctual level and told him that we could try friends with benefits for a while. During this time Trey has been sending me all together extremely confusing signals, that I can not distinguish between, him actually sending me signals to further our relationship, jealousy signals, or myself just hoping beyond belief that he wants something more. He will do things such as, wrestle with me, smack my rear end, let me lay on him, and say things such as "So you're sleeping with me tonight right?" and "Now give me one wish" <>
I hope this doesn't arrive too late. Because of the Holidays, I did not get to this and I do apologize. I've had company and my oldest son, Lee (Soulseer) is here, visiting from out of town. Even if it is too late and you've found yourself squeezed into doing something, you really didn't want to do, we can still find some semblance of sanity in all this. Oh, and by the way, this is not annoying and I can totally relate.
I hope you are open enough, to allow this post, this message, this personal answer to you, to sink in, deep within your psyche. My hope is for you to digest it and use it as a teaching tool. My hope is for this to empower you. I want you to read it and re-read it, print it out and always keep it. I am going to tell it like it is, I may get graphic and I hope you are ready, willing and able to breathe it in...
First off, I'd love to be right there to smack your hand, for thinking that and I quote, "I'm not a very beautiful girl, and in realizing that, I understand that I won't get many men to like me." I wish I had an Aunt Babz who'd have smacked me right in the kisser, when I said the same thing.
I felt rather ugly growing up and did a lot of things, in the name of love, in search of someone to love me. I didn't say no, could be, quite often, a people pleaser. It was primarily/mainly guys and I may have even had a reputation, all because of it. I'm quite sure I was brought up and talked about, in men's rooms and so on, more than once. Guys do so love to brag about what they tapped and conquered, now don't they? It was a different era and the 70's were a time of,"Free Love," but the song remains the same. Guaranteed. "Don't be a Babz."
It took me many years, many relationships and even one night stands to realize that if a guy really cares, he won't pressure you. He'll talk smack, add a dab of innuendo(i.e. what Trey has been doing) and most certainly make a move but he'll know that no means no. Being a tease is not healthy, either. Girls that walk around with their thong hanging out, just as an example, can't understand the depth of implication and the signal they are sending. They know what they're doing but at the same time, see it more innocently than it actually is. They tease and it's not right, it's not fair and often find themselves in bad situations. Get my drift?
In all actuality, almost all guys want sex, it's how they are hardwired and they think about it constantly. Quite often, they will tell you, what they think you need to hear, whisper sweet nothings, and whoops it's all over as quick as you can open the condom wrapper.(Condoms are a must. Don't think it won't happen to you. It happened to me, both pregnancy at 16 and Hep C).
Guys love the hunt, the thrill of the kill, the conquest. Not all guys are like this but I sure met my share, enough to form an educated opinion, not to mention that I have three, testosterone permeating sons, of my own and yes, they tell me everything, even if I don't wanna know. Yes, I get the how, when, what and why's of it all.
I am telling it like it is, G-Friend. And, and, and, you'll be lucky if they call you back because, quite often, they just wanted to get in your pants. You seem to have self control but your thinking may cause you to do things that are not conducive to a healthy and happy lifestyle. Don't fall into that same nasty trap/trip, I did. You will have a hard time looking in the mirror, the next morn. Eventually, you may stop looking in the mirror. I know I quit, for many years!
Now, I'm gonna tell you something, it's an old saying and I hope you don't think I am calling you this, it's not to be taken literally but take it as it's intended;
What that means, is that even if you were the ugliest chick in the land, even if you were a Fiona, there'd be a Shrek (I think he's hot anyway)out there, just waiting to love you. Never be desperate, never think desperate. You are wrong for feeling desperate. You have desperate thinking right now. We must stop this and put things into perspective. No more desperation. Say it with me...
See, I remember what it's like to be a teenager and so on, (I just can't remember yesterday, hahaha!)and I sure remember, my thoughts, feelings and so on. I guess I'm saying, I can relate. Yea, I'm 48 but don't ya know that my sons, daughter-in-laws and their friends, call me, always invite me to their parties and want me around. It's hell to be so popular, hahaha! (I am crazy and amuse them, probably)I guess, what I'm saying too is, in some respects, I think, very young, I'm still young at heart, I suppose? Really, who wants to grow up, anyway? That's overrated, as well.I know where your head is at and there is an answer, if you'll only believe, if you'll take this and run with it.
First, let me commend you on keeping your virginity, as long as you have. In this day and age, it's almost unheard of. Hopefully, you've not broken that record but if you have, it's never too late to say no, the next time, ok? Far be it from me to throw stones, either, understand?
Sex is so over rated. I mean, sure, I've done more than my share, your share and Britney Spear's share. But back in the day, back when I was a teenager, it was quite rare for any guy to even remotely try to please you, first. It was rarely gratifying. No, it was more of a wam bam and not even a thank ya ma'am. Let me also point out that there's a huge difference between making whoopie and making love.
I know all about peer pressure, hell I think even into my 30's, I'd done things because of peer pressure. Some things I was not proud of, I was a bad bad girl but we must try to live without regret, ok?
Sometimes, writing these posts makes me crazy, as I have so much to say to you. It's often times difficult to put it all down. I'd love to know that you'd read as many posts, written with the tag, "Empowerment," from my sidebar. It is all you need, a good ol' dose of empowerment and thinking. You need to build your self-esteem!
For now, I am putting your situation aside. It's actually not the important part of this message. We need to work on you and all other things will fall into place. Yes, " Que sera sera, whatever will be will be."
Life is what you make it. How you carry yourself, is detrimental. I've never met you in my life but I will tell you like it is and it all starts with honesty, honesty with yourself. Once you are utterly and savagely honest with yourself, once you can look in the mirror, see yourself for who you truly are, it is then and only then, that things will change.
Now, you look in the mirror and you see someone who's not the epitome of a Movie Star, don't you? You have been brutally honest with yourself, I know this but you weren't able to put things into perspective. I'm no beauty queen, either but you have not been fair to yourself. No, you must learn to love yourself, be friends with yourself before you can love another, truly love.
Remember this; Whomever you choose as your life long mate, must be your best friend first.
We all have flaws, even the most beautiful people. Always remember this, as well; If you are looking for fault, you will find it.
Yes, you have looked for fault, within yourself but you failed to look for what is right, good and choice. You are not an ugly woman, I know this. You feel ugly and this is what you portray. If you do not stop this mentality, for the rest of your life, people, will see you this way. People will only see, what you want them to see. No, you must accentuate the positive, work with what God gave you and learn to shine, from within. Now, you may think this is a crock o'crap but what I give you are words to live by, words and thinking that will empower you.
Yes, you need some Behavioral Modification to the 9th power. I will tell you this much, as I said before, I am not a pretty woman but when people meet me, they remember me. Why is that Babz?
Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must work a little harder in accentuating the positive, as I said. Some of us have to get up in the morning and apply our make-up a certain way, to hide the freckles of life, as I do. Some of us don't have that natural beauty, you know the one the world seems to judge you by. Those people are fake anyway and never fake the funk for them, ya heard? No, you be you and let them be them.
Because some of us are not born beautiful, we must allow our personalities to speak for us. When I walk into a room, they are never going to look at me and say, "Good God, she's drop dead gorgeous." I have found a place to live with that. Never cry over spilled milk, never cry over what you can not change. When I leave that room, they will have met a person who is witty, funny, not egotistical but real, assertive, grounded, a good and loyal friend, an all around humorous person who is positive, for the most part. Yep, you get what you see with me. You must also be that person.
You must begin with acceptance of yourself, who you are and then begin to be who you can be, all you can be. Work with what you have and stop looking for fault in yourself. Take notice of how you look for fault, in/at yourself. See, if we are looking for fault, in anybody, we will find it. You will find it in Aaron, if you choose and you have and you will even find it in Trey, if you look for it. This applies to anything and everything. It applies in your marriage, in/with your husband and so on. In example, I'm sure you've fallen head over heels in love, when you were a kid or even not that long ago. At first, you don't see their faults, as you don't choose to see them, right? All of a sudden, even with Aaron, you begin to see things in them, notice their faults, maybe even look for them. It then leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you break up. Any relationship can and will work, if you do not look for fault. Understand?
Now, back to you. Once you have been brutally honest with yourself, see your faults, then look for the good, the positive and you must strive to see it, you must then strive, really work to make the positive your persona. If you have bad habits, if you are really over weight, if you are a negative person, you look at it and you do your best to change it. You must not allow it to over whelm you, this change. Too many girls are out there, Anorexic puking their guts out, ruining their teeth and developing an Esophageal Varices, all in the name of losing weight because of unreal expectations. I have first hand knowledge, concerning this, as this was me.
You are angry, in your life, about something, (that's between you and me, I won't be specific)and you must do your best to get it out of your system. You must cut it out like a cancer because it will eat you alive. Anger kills and whatever it is you are angry about, you must begin to realize that you are the one that suffers for it. No one else, just you. When that happened to you, a few years ago, it wasn't your fault. You go from anger to shame, from anger to guilt and back again. Let it go. You can't change it you can only own it and yourself. You can't erase the past, you can only rise above it.
The people who should be important in your life are those that appreciate you, for you. If they do not have the depth to see you, the real you, they really don't matter. If they are the type that will look at you, for surface beauty and judge you, in that capacity, why would you even want to give them the time of day?
There will always be people who are that way, you know fake, plastic seekers. The guys that want the "Trophy Chick," on their arm, will often find, that they're not anything more than, something to look at. Perception is everything, for some men and they do often seek that Playgirl pinup. But the important factors in any relationship, is not sex. Sure, sex makes the world go round but a relationship it does not make. Meaning, after the lovin', if you have nothing to talk about, nothing in common, no friendship to speak of, there are too many hours to fill. In the real world, a sexual session, for no better terminology found, does not last that long. For real, there's no making love for hours upon hours. It rarely lasts that long, hell it rarely lasts more than minutes. So, if you just burned 1 out of 24 hours, what will you do next? Yes, that leaves 23 hours with this person. What will you talk about, if you have nothing in common?
Having said all this, your question in general is answered, almost by itself, within the scope of your low self esteem issues. I don't know who did this to you or why but it is clear to me that you do not believe in yourself. You will suffer for it, the rest of your life, if you do not, now, take back control. See, if you don't love you, really no one else can. You must first begin to seek happiness within yourself. You are young enough to change it all right now. Do not be discouraged, you can and will do this.
You are highly intelligent, very perceptive, a bit on the pessimistic side but an over all fun person. You are of more value than you anticipate. Stop bleeding yourself and begin to realize that the expectations you've set or rather, your views on how things should be are based not on fact but the kind of crap tabloids exploit. Especially girls, tend to fall into this trap. Be real, be you and just be the best you, you can be. Begin to re-evaluate your perceptions and values and beliefs. What other people think does not matter and you must always remember this. Otherwise, fold your cards and sit in a closet. Is that what you want?
You are on the cusp of becoming an adult, a real woman. I want to see you survive the bullshit society places, the unreal expectations, on a woman. Become assertive and sure of yourself. Take no prisoners. Give no crap, take no crap but most of all believe in yourself.
Begin a study of yourself. Then, do your homework. Start by reading some posts on Empowerment and begin to apply it to you. I have, approximately 36 posts, which speak of empowerment, practices and advice. Read as many as you can, take what you can from them and begin to heal yourself. Begin to become the woman, I believe you can be. This is your answer and all other things will begin to fall into place. You owe this to yourself and don't you ever forget it!
Keeping It Real,