Required Respect

Dear Aunt B,

What does one do when in-laws don't seem to like you? I don't know what I've done. The past few years, they've really seemed cool to me.
Sometimes if I DO dare speak out or do something different than they must think is right with my children, they sort of coolly ignore me.
I was very depressed during our last holiday visit. We have made as many trips as we can to visit the in-laws (we are across country and have a large
family - so it is expensive to fly and LONG to drive). We've been conscientious of maintaining a balance between visits to my family & husband's family.

Calls are much less frequent, interest less frequent. When my spouse was gone for a while working, they never called to say hello or see how things
were going with me & the children. Unless my husband hands the phone to me or I happen to answer they don't often seem interested in speaking with me.

We did have some plan changes with a trip there a while ago - had to cancel (postpone really) due to a medical problem I had & the Doctor indicated I shouldn't travel.
I get the "feeling" they don't particularly like the school or religion we've selected (mine) for our children. I also have felt they never particularly "liked" me....as a
partner for their son. I don't know....I just feel left out and disregarded.

I thought maybe they wanted more control with our children without us around - so we've had the children there to visit without us. But they never seem o.k.. with anything unless its their idea, their timing or whatever. If we change anything - they seem really upset. This family does NOT "talk" about feelings or have
discussions easily. We've had a lot of job stress (my husband's career/job) and they haven't expressed much (if any) support or interest. When we tried to
bring it up over the holidays (we visited there), they ONLY seemed concerned for him. They had no comments on the impact on me. In fact one comment was made
to me (out of my husbands hearing) that was related to why I didn't get a job and help. My husband & I chose together to have me quit after our 3rd child and be
an at home mom. They almost seem like they think I'm lazy and question what it is I do "all day".

When planning a special event over that visit time, they asked opinions and timing questions of my other in-laws but not me. When I dared ask about this event or offer an idea I was ignored. When I brought it up to my husband, he said I was overly sensitive. He does not want to cause any rifts with his family so he doesn't want to do or say anything or find out what is wrong. The only thing I can say is they never seemed to like me - my religion, my age, the fact that we relocated a long ways away due to my career at the start of our marriage. I don't know. When I try to inquire, again - they ignore or dismiss it as nonsense.

Life is too short for these head-games and I just want to get along, but I am increasingly angry and now with another trip upon us/visit ...I don't want to lose my cool. But I feel so undermined as a parent and disrespected. Please...what should I do? I have done all possible to try and show I care - I've sent BOOKS of photos over the years of the kids, given the kids over to them for visits with NO restrictions from me (even though we have certain guidelines on foods, etc..),
tried to always send gifts, cards, etc. for events. I don't know what more to do. Our marriage is now very strained and I just feel upset. Unless it is "their way" it is no way. We have been to counseling (my husband is not a believer at all) and what advice was given was pretty uninspired - basically that this is how it is and anything we say or do won't change it. I'll be blamed no matter what. Is this how in-law relations are? Am I just supposed to be quiet, allow my parenting guidelines and self to be disrespected? They are now very discreet in how they comment to me - since they know I tell my husband. They say/do things in a way he doesn't hear or is kind of passive - aggressive. Clearly, I'm confused!

Distraught Daughter In Law


Dear Distraught Daughter In Law,

Boy do I feel for you and you betcha, I can relate. I hope you will allow your husband to read this. If nothing else, he might grasp or understand the impact this has had on you. I tend to think I'd probably take it all personal too. How can you not? Even the hardest of hard would have difficulty just blowing it off.

Right from the jump though, in your husbands defense, I will say, you've got to leave him out, for the most part. He's caught in the middle, helpless and hindered. He is not a wave maker and does not deal well with adversity. He wants everybody to "just get along, why can't you just get along? Why do you take things so personal, honey? Let it go!" But you can't "just let it go" can you and you do take it personal, don't you?

Now, in your defense, I will say that, while you can't "make" them like you and your husband certainly can't make them like you, they must always respect you. He must require that they respect you and nothing less. In fact, that should be his only statement on the subject, "You will respect my wife. She is my life partner, the mother of my children and your grandchildren, the woman I chose to marry, the woman I love and whom makes me happy and you will show respect." It is so simple, "Required Respect." That's it and that's all.

You know, they can and may go the rest of their natural born lives, disliking you. It is their prerogative. But from this minute forward, they will and must respect you. Short of hurting "their" grand babies, they can keep their opinions to themselves. What I mean by that is they might disagree with your child rearing decisions, etc. etc. but they will have to learn to keep it to themselves. Like it or lump it.

It's not far fetched for them to disagree or expect you to listen to their take on the subject. Hell, I hate the way my daughter in law raises my grand kids. In my mind, she doesn't know how to say "No" to them, she allows them to argue way too much and debate what she's told them to do. She lets them get away with things I wouldn't and she doesn't follow through on discipline, i.e. if they've done something wrong, she hardly punishes them, i.e. she puts them on restriction and that very day, they'll wear her down and get off restriction. If they know they can do this, they know there's always a loophole. If they know there's a loophole, they will do whatever they want because there are no consequences for their actions. I see this every day and it makes me crazy, if I let it but I must remember that they are not my children. I do respect her though and will often look for opportunity to speak with her, as a woman and address these things I disagree with. That's not to say that she will follow through but I do see improvement here and there. But the chief ingredient to this recipe between this daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is that respect factor.

Change the Recipe

Put on your Bitch Belt and begin to command the respect you are due. No longer will you allow them to run the show. You afford them the respect due to them as your husbands parents but they will no longer abuse you, abuse their power as his parents and this recipe will call for a mutual respect. Now, I don't suspect that this will happen over night. This transformation will only come about, starting with you.

Look in the mirror, deeply into your own eyes. Are you due respect? You damn right you are. Will you command respect from his parents as well as anyone else who comes down the pike? You damn right, you will. Yes, it starts within you. It is read from the way you hold your head up high and tell yourself that you will no longer allow them to own you, your thoughts, your feelings or emotions. If you feel you are due respect, you will be given respect. If you show your soft pink under belly, they will see it because that's what they do. Stop it!

Lastly, may I suggest writing a letter that states exactly how you feel? You state that while you realize that they might not always agree with you or your methods, it is putting a strain on your marriage as it stands. You might mention that nothing would make you happier than for you both to get along, if nothing else because of the hardship it puts on their son. (It's important to mention this. If they do not make an effort, from that moment on, they will only be able to see that they will be portrayed as selfish and not having their own sons best interests at hand. It will be transparent that they are not willing to work things out for the sake of their own son. See?)A little fluff will go a long way by mentioning that if you've done something wrong, you'd like to make amends but at this point in time, you don't understand what it is that has you both at odds. And you mention that you want nothing more than a mutual respect.

As I said before, this all starts with you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim any longer. It's all in the respective perspective.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Only Temporary

I apologize for any inconvenience but Aunt Babz and Staff are closed temporarily to any new questions.

At this juncture, I have 7 letters to catch up on. Please be patient and I thank you for understanding.


Look for us to be up and running again real soon.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Life Is What You Make It

Dear Aunt B,

I was looking for a great relationship advice column and I stumbled upon yours! I hope that you can help me with my situation:

First, I will give you some background info (kinda long) but the end is what I need help on, so please help if you can!!

*************************

I dated a guy for years who I thought was my soulmate. He was older than me and had already graduated from college-I on the other hand, was still in college at the time and I was juggling work, relationship, and education-it was rough! My guy was emotionally-high maintenance, and when I tried to sacrifice and give attention-it was never enough! Needless to say, my guy cheated on me and we broke up. During this breakup we were still friends and he was close with my family. For some reason, there was discord between us and we began to talk less and less. for a whole month, he was acting distant from me and we never talked as much!

When I saw my ex again the following month, he was acting really weird. He acted like he wanted to tell me something, but he never could. After our meeting, I never saw him again. When I was online speaking to a friend, she revealed to me that my ex had gotten married! he didn't even tell me (he would drop little hints or speak indirectly, but I didn't think he was serious!!) He claimed that he wanted to wait until I "met the one" to tell me (like this would soften the blow!) To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled) He even told me in an indirect way, that he was having a child! All this time he would never just come out and say, "I'm married". He still kept in touch with my family claiming he was "sorry for everything"and that he "really needed to talk to me."

Well, for a whole year my ex was keeping in touch with my family but not with me (of course since I told him to not keep in touch). It bothered me that he was asking about me all the time, like "have I met the one yet?" and when was I graduating? I eventually wrote him and told him to not keep in touch with my family anymore because it wasn't fair to him or his wife. When I told him everything was cool between us and even asked him on advice about a man (I thought he had moved on), he wouldn't respond back to me. I even encouraged him and wished him well luck and told him that "I forgave him" but he still hasn't contacted me. Aunt B, if he wanted to talk to me so bad, why hasn't he? I tried to open up avenues of communication so that he could get whatever it was off of his chest-what's up? Why is he acting so weird and distant?

(the weird thing is: I saw his parents one time (I hadn't seen them for years) and they were acting REALLY excited to see me-hunh? Even his ex girlfriend out the blue came to me with some information (and we were arch enemies!) what's going on. Please help!

Thanks and God Bless

Sincerely,

Extremely Confused

Dear Extremely Confused,

It sounds to me like you both still care for each other, huh? I have to wonder, why you would wonder why he hasn't contacted you, when you clearly told him not to? That's a mouth full but you may have to dig deep and see what it is that keeps you holding on.

I do imagine the norm, in most relationships would dictate that when you break up and you can't be amicable, you go your separate ways, right? Point to ponder.

I've told my children that upon my death, I wanted the words, "She was a walking contradiction," on my tombstone. It sums me up to the "T" a truth I embrace. I say this only so you may also look in the mirror and see the truth and the fact that you are also a contradiction.Having said this, I hope you will really take a look at this whole affair.

It's obvious to me that you both cared deeply for each other. It's also obvious that, in short, it was too painful to completely break things off and go "cold turkey." Yes, you both went your separate ways but I have to believe that it's not really what either of you wanted. So, what stood in the way? What kept you from either getting back together or severing the ties that bind?

Yes, I read your letter that he fooled around on you. Of course that's enough to cause a break-up. Did he try to get you back but you would have nothing to do with it? I think I'd be so hurt if my guy had fooled around, so I can only imagine.

But it's quite clear to me, that when he did what he did, he was sorry. Could you not forgive him at that time?It's also clear to me that he did not want to sever the ties. If he did want to, he'd not have stayed in contact with your family.

Life is far too short, isn't it? In a blink of an eye, it can all be over, altered and changed. Life is what you make it.

I don't know how far you've come and gone, nor do I know what you've said, concerning this relationship. In the event that you've not been honest with your feelings and emotions, it's high time to state how you really feel, get honest with yourself and if possible; forgive and forget.

Each new day that comes and goes is empty, aren't they? I think deep down inside, it hurt you again that he did exactly what you told him to do. Yes, verbatim you said;
"To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled)"

It may be too late, I don't know? The prospect of the unknown should not stop you. Allow nothing to stop you. As I said, life is too short and I usually add, "for the dumb shit." Pursue your happiness and your soulmate. You have the power to change your history. So, change it...

Ah Divine Destiny!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Set Up From the Get Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi Aunt B,

I really need advice from someone that isn't my friend, or have no interests in the middle.

MY boyfriend and I have been together officially 2 months now. We live an hour away from each other.
We used to be on the phone/webcam for hours on the weekend, and I never felt alone I felt like he was with me, even with the distance.

About a month ago, he started decreasing the attention, and now only calls once a day, at night. Sometimes I'm already asleep cause he calls really late and I work. He tells me, he doesn't call earlier because he is with his friends, and I have in the past got upset about him not paying enough attention.

So he always have a million excuses because some nights he doesn't call. The distance is an issue because he could be lying and I wouldn't even know.

So basically, how do I deal with this? How can I get him to be the way he used to be? to pay me more attention and appreciate more? I just need more love. He is 18 and I'm 24.
What is more important play videogames with his friends or her girlfriend? Is like I have to wait until he feels like talking!

I've tried to talk to him about it both peacefully and acting upset. None works, he always says: there you go again

Pleaseeee help.

Dear K,

Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, no matter what the age. But the younger the guy, the harder it is to keep their attention. As well, you can not ever make them have the emotions you want them to have, no matter how much you complain about it. It's either there or it's not.

It's entirely possible that he has become distant because of the distance. Now, while it's not fair to you, considering that you are in an established relationship, I think it's time to shift gears and look at the entire situation.

It may not seem like a lot of difference in your age but there actually is, if only the level of maturity. If he's basically just turned 18, he's probably feeling his oats, meaning for the first time, he really doesn't have to answer to Mom & Dad. Unfortunately, he may also view the commitment between the two of you as answering in a similar fashion. He may be a bit resentful.

At the same time, I feel he's a loyal guy who cares greatly about you. But quite honestly, he may not be ready to stand by that commitment in the same way you are. There's the difference in age coming into play. You are at the age, where you're probably thinking on a more serious level, you are more apt to take things seriously, especially your love interest.

At the prime age of 18, most guys know they have their whole lives ahead of them and they act accordingly. Yes, that's kind of a rough year, a proving ground where they still care what their best buds think and do and for the most part, most of those guys are into the single life, one without commitment.

Now, I don't say all this to discourage you. On one hand, you must see that he cares deeply for you. I mean really, I don't think he'd bother to even call if he didn't have feelings for you. But again, you can not make them have feelings they don't have, i.e. a need to talk on the phone, which is another form of commitment, believe it or not.

Really, there's only a couple things you can do. You might talk to him about this "commitment" and what it means to you. You also might ask him what that means to him? Remember, he's an 18 year old guy and some may get offended by this but at that age, they've not been trained as to how, what, where, the ins and outs of a wholesome relationship. This actually comes from a partner who teaches them what is actually expected of them. Some/most are not born knowing all these emotions and so forth. It is normally a woman who takes them by the hand and walks them down that path of understanding.

The other thing you can do is come to the realization that this may not be an ideal plan and situation. I can not reiterate enough that you can not make him have emotions he just does not have. All the nagging in the world will only garner resentment. Now, talking to him and stating your needs in the relationship, is a horse of a different colour. I do have the feeling that you've already done this?

The calls will get fewer and fewer if he feels he's going to catch hell because he calls you late and so on. Either talk to him, giving him the option of walking away unscathed or concede that this is all you will get; a call when he's in the mood, done gaming, done with his pals and so on.

I think explaining to him what you need in this relationship and actually what you have a right to have and asking him if he is willing to go the distance, is all you have. It's a set up from the get up, my friend and I actually feel for you. I understand that you want things to work but you must see how much is going against you here.

You've been together, a mere two months, although I know when you're in love that feels like a long time. I guess what I'm saying is speak to him, lay your cards on the table expressing what you need from this relationship and simply ask him to make a decision that is fair to you both; To commit or not to commit, that is the question?

Cut Them Off

Dear Aunt B,

I have a truly upsetting and depressing dilemma. some background... i'm heavily involved in my children's school. i volunteer for many things. i became friends with a woman i'll call friend A who for the most part is truly a nice lady, but a bit moody and when stressed out, which is somewhat frequent, likes to say rude things & get angry in front of others. I don't subscribe to this type of behavior because i've learned from my mother it's better to say nothing at all if it can't be nice.

anyway, i've let a few things go over the last year, and felt the better person for doing so. now enter the other person, friend B who i met and welcomed into my circle of friends, and then hooked her up with my husband since she needed a job and he needed an employee. well, of course my husband is very generous and good, but maybe this wasn't a good idea to hire her, but it worked out well until she started complaining about her health, and i started to note that maybe her job history should have been a clue as to the fact that she doesn't like to work.

whatever, the thing is, i thought we were friends, and i made the mistake when i was upset with friend A of telling friend B. i never attacked A's character, but rather expressed how upset i was that she could be so rude in public. I'm starting to think I am a sap because I should have just put A in her place and moved on with the friendship, but instead i'm an idiot because i talked to another person about her which isn't right, but i needed guidance and understanding.

Other than the one time i spoke about her, i never did again, until recently when A started the rudeness at a meeting. i was very upset and happened to talk to B, who just resigned from my husbands business, and I told B my dilemma. The weird thing is I realized after it was too late that B was getting close to A, apparently keeping me out of the loop. the signs were there, but i chose to not notice i guess in hindsight.

I guess what bothers me most is that i don't trust B at all because she's an exaggerator extraordinaire and she's a little nuts to be honest. my husband is very kind, but he's happy she's gone because he says she makes big deals out of most issues and she's a little manic. and this is true. she couldn't get along with the other woman in his office and she took every shot she could at a woman who does not have good fortune. and she couldn't even tell my husband herself that she wanted to leave, she left it up to another man who works for him to break the news. it turns out he's in some mlm marketing group and has recruited her to join him.

The thing is i didn't realize that she had moved herself so heavily into my circle of friends. I noted that a few weeks ago a play date was planned, but friend A told her 2nd grade daughter not to "tell anyone" who her playdate was, although i had spoken to B and she told me. I was hurt, not because of the date, but rather because of the fact she felt it necessary to hide it from me. i said nothing, and just this evening, at a softball practice, A said she was meeting her husband for dinner with the kids, and B and her husband were going to dinner somewhere else. i wouldn't have even given it a thought but i thought I noticed some weird behavior and then when were were leaving i was behind them and B's husband started to make the turn to the same place to A was going, but abruptly changed his mind and went the way the place she said she was going was. I went my way, stopped to get gas in the vicinity of where A was and lo and behold, B and her husband pulled up to the restaurant.

Okay, while i know i can't be invited everywhere and no one owes me an explanation, i feel that something is amiss because of the great lengths B is going and A for that matter too, to keep me out of it. what the heck do i do? i am really hurting so badly. I can't move on. I have no appetite and I feel sick to my stomach. I really need help on how to deal with this.

Sincerely.

J.K.

Dear JK,

Well my Dear, with friends like A & B, who needs enemas, I mean enemies, right? I can quite imagine that I might feel the same way?

In my humble opinion, you sound like the type of person that is so forgiving, extremely kind and well rounded. You have a huge heart and it hurts when somone such as these two steps on it. You tend to ask yourself what did you do to deserve all this. In fact, you take it all to heart, take it all personal. That's only natural.

The answer is quite simple, my friend; You come to the conclusion that with friends such as these two, are you not better off to let them have their little game?

I don't mean to say you should be vindictive but simply assertive. You distance yourself, you don't call and you keep them at arms length. Stop answering their calls, if they do in fact ever call again. Cut them off, if only in your mind, like the festering sore they have become.

You made a few mistakes by talking to one about the other, right? Now, because of it, they are playing this little game which only serves to make their unity stronger against you. It's psychological warfare, an extremely painful but quite transparent game, don't you think?

So you beat them at their own game by acting as if you could care less, it's no skin off your nose. I do realize that you may run into either of them, possibly A at school functions but there's no law that says you must socialize with her any longer. If she's there, at the same time, you find a way around not speaking with her. Yes, you busy yourself by talking to another parent and so on. It's not to say that you will out and out snub her and make it apparent that she left a bad taste in your mouth but body language and innuendo will speak for it's self.

You learned a valuable lesson about trust, as well as who you can and can not talk to. In my mind, I can imagine I'd need to vent too. But it back fired. Forgive yourself for this first, then move on.

You must realize that you deserve better friends and wash your hands of the whole affair. Don't you think that you'd be better off without friends than with these kind of friends? I suppose you, being the kind person that you are, can't conceptualize their behavior and it baffles you. Trust me though, you'll be better off without their friendship. Cut you loses and move on!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I'm 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn't talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don't tell your wife, I'm bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn't going to lie to my wife, I just wasn't coming if that's the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We're sitting at dinner and I'm watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn't like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn't the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn't like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn't over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that's the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won't email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies...actually his fiance' told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn't get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.



Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We've all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that's what it's all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I'm gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family...

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can't appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you've read anything, that I've written here, you'll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I'm just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You'll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he'll have to walk down "his road" and I'm hoping you'll walk on the berm along side him.


You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is "a good woman behind every great man." The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn't care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn "first blood." What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don't you? And don't you think, if he didn't like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn't like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he's not man enough to tell her he doesn't like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what's in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you've got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn't try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn't belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it's twists and turns, it's comedy and tragedy, it's plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it's not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, "This is Your Life," Ben didn't really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, "What the hell does he see in her?" He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn't have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn't know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I'm going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?


Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it's never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you'll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term "casting a pall" on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term "pallbearer" is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.