Friday, June 6, 2008

Set Up From the Get Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi Aunt B,

I really need advice from someone that isn't my friend, or have no interests in the middle.

MY boyfriend and I have been together officially 2 months now. We live an hour away from each other.
We used to be on the phone/webcam for hours on the weekend, and I never felt alone I felt like he was with me, even with the distance.

About a month ago, he started decreasing the attention, and now only calls once a day, at night. Sometimes I'm already asleep cause he calls really late and I work. He tells me, he doesn't call earlier because he is with his friends, and I have in the past got upset about him not paying enough attention.

So he always have a million excuses because some nights he doesn't call. The distance is an issue because he could be lying and I wouldn't even know.

So basically, how do I deal with this? How can I get him to be the way he used to be? to pay me more attention and appreciate more? I just need more love. He is 18 and I'm 24.
What is more important play videogames with his friends or her girlfriend? Is like I have to wait until he feels like talking!

I've tried to talk to him about it both peacefully and acting upset. None works, he always says: there you go again

Pleaseeee help.

Dear K,

Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, no matter what the age. But the younger the guy, the harder it is to keep their attention. As well, you can not ever make them have the emotions you want them to have, no matter how much you complain about it. It's either there or it's not.

It's entirely possible that he has become distant because of the distance. Now, while it's not fair to you, considering that you are in an established relationship, I think it's time to shift gears and look at the entire situation.

It may not seem like a lot of difference in your age but there actually is, if only the level of maturity. If he's basically just turned 18, he's probably feeling his oats, meaning for the first time, he really doesn't have to answer to Mom & Dad. Unfortunately, he may also view the commitment between the two of you as answering in a similar fashion. He may be a bit resentful.

At the same time, I feel he's a loyal guy who cares greatly about you. But quite honestly, he may not be ready to stand by that commitment in the same way you are. There's the difference in age coming into play. You are at the age, where you're probably thinking on a more serious level, you are more apt to take things seriously, especially your love interest.

At the prime age of 18, most guys know they have their whole lives ahead of them and they act accordingly. Yes, that's kind of a rough year, a proving ground where they still care what their best buds think and do and for the most part, most of those guys are into the single life, one without commitment.

Now, I don't say all this to discourage you. On one hand, you must see that he cares deeply for you. I mean really, I don't think he'd bother to even call if he didn't have feelings for you. But again, you can not make them have feelings they don't have, i.e. a need to talk on the phone, which is another form of commitment, believe it or not.

Really, there's only a couple things you can do. You might talk to him about this "commitment" and what it means to you. You also might ask him what that means to him? Remember, he's an 18 year old guy and some may get offended by this but at that age, they've not been trained as to how, what, where, the ins and outs of a wholesome relationship. This actually comes from a partner who teaches them what is actually expected of them. Some/most are not born knowing all these emotions and so forth. It is normally a woman who takes them by the hand and walks them down that path of understanding.

The other thing you can do is come to the realization that this may not be an ideal plan and situation. I can not reiterate enough that you can not make him have emotions he just does not have. All the nagging in the world will only garner resentment. Now, talking to him and stating your needs in the relationship, is a horse of a different colour. I do have the feeling that you've already done this?

The calls will get fewer and fewer if he feels he's going to catch hell because he calls you late and so on. Either talk to him, giving him the option of walking away unscathed or concede that this is all you will get; a call when he's in the mood, done gaming, done with his pals and so on.

I think explaining to him what you need in this relationship and actually what you have a right to have and asking him if he is willing to go the distance, is all you have. It's a set up from the get up, my friend and I actually feel for you. I understand that you want things to work but you must see how much is going against you here.

You've been together, a mere two months, although I know when you're in love that feels like a long time. I guess what I'm saying is speak to him, lay your cards on the table expressing what you need from this relationship and simply ask him to make a decision that is fair to you both; To commit or not to commit, that is the question?

No comments: