Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Life Is What You Make It

Dear Aunt B,

I was looking for a great relationship advice column and I stumbled upon yours! I hope that you can help me with my situation:
First, I will give you some background info (kinda long) but the end is what I need help on, so please help if you can!!
I dated a guy for years who I thought was my soulmate. He was older than me and had already graduated from college-I on the other hand, was still in college at the time and I was juggling work, relationship, and education-it was rough! My guy was emotionally-high maintenance, and when I tried to sacrifice and give attention-it was never enough! Needless to say, my guy cheated on me and we broke up. During this breakup we were still friends and he was close with my family. For some reason, there was discord between us and we began to talk less and less. for a whole month, he was acting distant from me and we never talked as much!
When I saw my ex again the following month, he was acting really weird. He acted like he wanted to tell me something, but he never could. After our meeting, I never saw him again. When I was online speaking to a friend, she revealed to me that my ex had gotten married! he didn't even tell me (he would drop little hints or speak indirectly, but I didn't think he was serious!!) He claimed that he wanted to wait until I "met the one" to tell me (like this would soften the blow!) To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled) He even told me in an indirect way, that he was having a child! All this time he would never just come out and say, "I'm married". He still kept in touch with my family claiming he was "sorry for everything"and that he "really needed to talk to me."
Well, for a whole year my ex was keeping in touch with my family but not with me (of course since I told him to not keep in touch). It bothered me that he was asking about me all the time, like "have I met the one yet?" and when was I graduating? I eventually wrote him and told him to not keep in touch with my family anymore because it wasn't fair to him or his wife. When I told him everything was cool between us and even asked him on advice about a man (I thought he had moved on), he wouldn't respond back to me. I even encouraged him and wished him well luck and told him that "I forgave him" but he still hasn't contacted me. Aunt B, if he wanted to talk to me so bad, why hasn't he? I tried to open up avenues of communication so that he could get whatever it was off of his chest-what's up? Why is he acting so weird and distant?
(the weird thing is: I saw his parents one time (I hadn't seen them for years) and they were acting REALLY excited to see me-hunh? Even his ex girlfriend out the blue came to me with some information (and we were arch enemies!) what's going on. Please help!
Thanks and God Bless


Extremely Confused

Dear Extremely Confused,

It sounds to me like you both still care for each other, huh? I have to wonder, why you would wonder why he hasn't contacted you, when you clearly told him not to? That's a mouth full but you may have to dig deep and see what it is that keeps you holding on.

I do imagine the norm, in most relationships would dictate that when you break up and you can't be amicable, you go your separate ways, right? Point to ponder.

I've told my children that upon my death, I wanted the words, "She was a walking contradiction," on my tombstone. It sums me up to the "T" a truth I embrace. I say this only so you may also look in the mirror and see the truth and the fact that you are also a contradiction.Having said this, I hope you will really take a look at this whole affair.

It's obvious to me that you both cared deeply for each other. It's also obvious that, in short, it was too painful to completely break things off and go "cold turkey." Yes, you both went your separate ways but I have to believe that it's not really what either of you wanted. So, what stood in the way? What kept you from either getting back together or severing the ties that bind?

Yes, I read your letter that he fooled around on you. Of course that's enough to cause a break-up. Did he try to get you back but you would have nothing to do with it? I think I'd be so hurt if my guy had fooled around, so I can only imagine.

But it's quite clear to me, that when he did what he did, he was sorry. Could you not forgive him at that time?It's also clear to me that he did not want to sever the ties. If he did want to, he'd not have stayed in contact with your family.

Life is far too short, isn't it? In a blink of an eye, it can all be over, altered and changed. Life is what you make it.

I don't know how far you've come and gone, nor do I know what you've said, concerning this relationship. In the event that you've not been honest with your feelings and emotions, it's high time to state how you really feel, get honest with yourself and if possible; forgive and forget.

Each new day that comes and goes is empty, aren't they? I think deep down inside, it hurt you again that he did exactly what you told him to do. Yes, verbatim you said;
To make a long story short, I told him never to talk to me again (I was speaking to him every now and then, hoping a friendship could be rekindled)"

It may be too late, I don't know? The prospect of the unknown should not stop you. Allow nothing to stop you. As I said, life is too short and I usually add, "for the dumb shit." Pursue your happiness and your soulmate. You have the power to change your history. So, change it...

Ah Divine Destiny!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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