Sunday, June 1, 2008

Cut Them Off

Dear Aunt B,

I have a truly upsetting and depressing dilemma. some background... i'm heavily involved in my children's school. i volunteer for many things. i became friends with a woman i'll call friend A who for the most part is truly a nice lady, but a bit moody and when stressed out, which is somewhat frequent, likes to say rude things & get angry in front of others. I don't subscribe to this type of behavior because i've learned from my mother it's better to say nothing at all if it can't be nice.

anyway, i've let a few things go over the last year, and felt the better person for doing so. now enter the other person, friend B who i met and welcomed into my circle of friends, and then hooked her up with my husband since she needed a job and he needed an employee. well, of course my husband is very generous and good, but maybe this wasn't a good idea to hire her, but it worked out well until she started complaining about her health, and i started to note that maybe her job history should have been a clue as to the fact that she doesn't like to work.

whatever, the thing is, i thought we were friends, and i made the mistake when i was upset with friend A of telling friend B. i never attacked A's character, but rather expressed how upset i was that she could be so rude in public. I'm starting to think I am a sap because I should have just put A in her place and moved on with the friendship, but instead i'm an idiot because i talked to another person about her which isn't right, but i needed guidance and understanding.

Other than the one time i spoke about her, i never did again, until recently when A started the rudeness at a meeting. i was very upset and happened to talk to B, who just resigned from my husbands business, and I told B my dilemma. The weird thing is I realized after it was too late that B was getting close to A, apparently keeping me out of the loop. the signs were there, but i chose to not notice i guess in hindsight.

I guess what bothers me most is that i don't trust B at all because she's an exaggerator extraordinaire and she's a little nuts to be honest. my husband is very kind, but he's happy she's gone because he says she makes big deals out of most issues and she's a little manic. and this is true. she couldn't get along with the other woman in his office and she took every shot she could at a woman who does not have good fortune. and she couldn't even tell my husband herself that she wanted to leave, she left it up to another man who works for him to break the news. it turns out he's in some mlm marketing group and has recruited her to join him.

The thing is i didn't realize that she had moved herself so heavily into my circle of friends. I noted that a few weeks ago a play date was planned, but friend A told her 2nd grade daughter not to "tell anyone" who her playdate was, although i had spoken to B and she told me. I was hurt, not because of the date, but rather because of the fact she felt it necessary to hide it from me. i said nothing, and just this evening, at a softball practice, A said she was meeting her husband for dinner with the kids, and B and her husband were going to dinner somewhere else. i wouldn't have even given it a thought but i thought I noticed some weird behavior and then when were were leaving i was behind them and B's husband started to make the turn to the same place to A was going, but abruptly changed his mind and went the way the place she said she was going was. I went my way, stopped to get gas in the vicinity of where A was and lo and behold, B and her husband pulled up to the restaurant.

Okay, while i know i can't be invited everywhere and no one owes me an explanation, i feel that something is amiss because of the great lengths B is going and A for that matter too, to keep me out of it. what the heck do i do? i am really hurting so badly. I can't move on. I have no appetite and I feel sick to my stomach. I really need help on how to deal with this.

Dear JK,

Well my Dear, with friends like A & B, who needs enemas, I mean enemies, right? I can quite imagine that I might feel the same way?

In my humble opinion, you sound like the type of person that is so forgiving, extremely kind and well rounded. You have a huge heart and it hurts when somone such as these two steps on it. You tend to ask yourself what did you do to deserve all this. In fact, you take it all to heart, take it all personal. That's only natural.

The answer is quite simple, my friend; You come to the conclusion that with friends such as these two, are you not better off to let them have their little game?

I don't mean to say you should be vindictive but simply assertive. You distance yourself, you don't call and you keep them at arms length. Stop answering their calls, if they do in fact ever call again. Cut them off, if only in your mind, like the festering sore they have become.

You made a few mistakes by talking to one about the other, right? Now, because of it, they are playing this little game which only serves to make their unity stronger against you. It's psychological warfare, an extremely painful but quite transparent game, don't you think?

So you beat them at their own game by acting as if you could care less, it's no skin off your nose. I do realize that you may run into either of them, possibly A at school functions but there's no law that says you must socialize with her any longer. If she's there, at the same time, you find a way around not speaking with her. Yes, you busy yourself by talking to another parent and so on. It's not to say that you will out and out snub her and make it apparent that she left a bad taste in your mouth but body language and innuendo will speak for it's self.

You learned a valuable lesson about trust, as well as who you can and can not talk to. In my mind, I can imagine I'd need to vent too. But it back fired. Forgive yourself for this first, then move on.

You must realize that you deserve better friends and wash your hands of the whole affair. Don't you think that you'd be better off without friends than with these kind of friends? I suppose you, being the kind person that you are, can't conceptualize their behavior and it baffles you. Trust me though, you'll be better off without their friendship. Cut you loses and move on!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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