Let's Dance???

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi. I don't know what to do. I have been reading your stuff for a little while now and thought that you guys could help me. See i am just about to get married to the most perfect guy in the world. He treats me real good and is a hard worker. He is really nice and down to earth. I feel sometimes that we are not in the same place with sex though. Like he is good in bed but i like to play with things. and i like to watch him and me together. i want to be able to know that we can do things after we are married and not be boring but i don't know how to talk to him about this thing. And i cant talk to my sister or my mom because they are real religious and think i am a freak of nature or something. i don't know what to do now. please help!

Dear Lyndzy,

Congrats on two things; Soon to be wed and wise enough to read real life answers and maybe a pinch of wisdom and words to live by. I already like you, haha!

First and foremost, communication is essential. Take a long hard look at that sentence.You must be able to communicate with your partner...on all levels.

Yes, sex is a pertinent issue but it should never make or break the relationship. However, let me make myself clear on what I just said; You have 24 hours in a day. Part of that is sleeping, part you're at work, part you're apart and hopefully your sex life will be there. But just how long does sex actually last? I mean even Barry White sings about making love for hours but who really does that?(I want to meet him!) But just to make sure, before you marry this fella, I want you to assess your time, out of the bedroom. You must be able to enjoy each others company, have things in common and especially be able to talk. You must be able to speak your mind, say what's on it and make yourself heard.

I can understand that you may feel a bit funny or shy away about bringing things up. Will he think you're a freak on a leash? Will he think you're some crazy, Kinky Sex Kitten? I somehow don't think that he will(he might even like it if you were?) and I'd be willing to say that most men would love a woman who is attentive and playful. Most men would love to have a gal that wants to experiment and maybe even take charge now and again. As well, I've never known a guy, to turn down the advances of his partner.

My suggestion to you, is to be playful and flirtatious. Have the intention there that you want to get him in the bed. Start out this way, you know taking the lead. See, how he reacts to this behavior. If he is amicable with it, next try introducing things, one by one. Maybe start with a carefully placed mirror, without it seeming intentional. Hell, move the dresser and mirror, directly across from the bed.

If you feel you can't do things this way, I suggest, in common conversation, mentioning an article you've read, saying something to the effect of, "I read in a magazine, that, statistically, couples who experiment and use toys, have the happiest and the longest lasting sex lives." Another approach would be to use a friend, even if it's an imaginary friend or co-worker and repeat a conversation that the both of you had. Mention that her husband brought home toys and how excited your friend was because she couldn't believe he'd gone to the trouble of doing that or something in this vein.

I think the important issue here is for you to just begin to do certain things, in the throws of hot monkey love. Most men are game for just about anything, once they've reached that certain point. You'll be able to tell just where that point is.

I am a great proponent of four play and obviously your guy doesn't realize that it often times is to his benefit. If you do nothing else, somehow come up with the chutzpah to read # 4 b., in the list below. Of course, you'll giggle like a school girl, after you've read it but that'll probably excite him, even more.

The average guy, wants a Betty Crocker in the kitchen and a Playboy Bunny, in the bedroom. Unless he's really different than that average guy, I think you just need to take the lead. Be subtle and nonabrasive. It's like teaching your man to dance. He must hold you in the small of your back. Once he's learned this little trick, he can and will lead you upon the dance floor. My first husband was a big man, 19 1/2 inch neck and a prehistoric 56 inch chest but once I showed him how to guide me, he was nimble and quite graceful. People would move out of the way to watch us dance. It's true.

Sex is rather similar. You may have to take the lead but don't make it evident. No, you must do it with subtle innuendo, maybe take his hand and guide him around. As well, you can initiate the foreplay, just act naturally and it will be and feel natural. Most men do love to believe that they're in charge and in the gorilla warfare of the bedroom, they'd like to think they are good at what they do. But every now and again, the guy will enjoy , your lead on the dance floor. Get it?

Print this out and leave it, with purpose, somewhere he might find it or allow him to find you reading it. You can blame a friend for giving it to you. You could say that the office or where ever is buzzing about it;

Excerpt from The Great American Myth...
What's the true definition of a man?

1. A Real Man knows that he needs a good woman and can't do it all. Yes, he treats her as his equal. He embraces their differences and actually enjoys them.
   
2. A Real Man is not afraid to admit when he's wrong, when he needs help, when something has hurt him. And he's not afraid to cry or show emotion.
3. A Real Man treats his wife with respect and does not have a sense of Entitlement. What is a "Sense of Entitlement"? This ideology comes from old school values and beliefs, mixed with new school expectations. Yes, you want to have the American Dream and to grasp it, to attain it and maintain it, you must have two incomes. It takes a lot of money to keep up with the Jones'. Yes, you want that SUV and your wife wants the Minivan. You must have that 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath with the Hot Tub out back. You must have the 52inch Flat Screen with surround sound, so when the fellas come over to watch Football and drink beer, they walk away with the idea that you've got it together, yep, you are one cool dude. So, your wife works, yes, she wants to work and have her own money, not having to ask you for money to buy all her stuff. Plus it makes her feel like she's more than just Mommy or the Mrs. But add it up, are the household chores, cooking, running kids to and from and generalities of what takes a home to run, fairly distributed? While I realize that you take out the trash, mow the lawn and so on, when it's done, you are often "Off Duty."
4. A Real Man is smart. He pleases his wife first, not through sexual intercourse but by other means, maybe using toys? He's not intimidated by toys either, as some men are because he realizes that many women can not attain orgasm through sexual intercourse but need direct stimulation of the clitoris. Yes, he's on top of the program and realizes it's to his benefit to have his mate orgasm first. Why? For two reasons;

a. He understands that if Mama's not happy, eventually nobody's happy. If sex is nothing more than just, "getting dirty to make you happy" it becomes just another job, another ritual.
b. A Real Man realizes it's to his benefit if she has an orgasm first because...it'll then be tighter. WooHoo!
Is this you? If not, "Hats Off to You." You are a Real Man!!! -B.J.M.

Dear Lyndzy,

I can tell by your letter that you are really apprehensive about what is going to happen to your sex drive after you are married… so I need to ask, have you talked to this most wonderful guy about it? Because if you haven’t talked about sex with him then I can honestly tell you that you will be in for a world of hurt. And why do I say this? Because no matter the subject matter, communication is the number one thing in a relationship that will determine if you make it through all the bad statistics, or become one of them.

Having said that, sexual preferences and desires are definitely one of the most important talks that a couple should have. It is extremely personal, and it is very much a part of who you are as an individual and as a couple. And everyone is different in his or her preferences. So being able to have a healthy chat about this is something that you will have to think about first, and decide what your ultimate goal is from the conversation.

Basically what I am asking is: if this man doesn’t share the same sexual preferences as you, is this a deal breaker? Can you come to terms with an alternative? Does he have things he would like to do and maybe you don’t know this yet? These are all questions that a person in a committed relationship should know about their partner. Sure, over time things change and so will these preferences. But you need to know what you want, what you can and cannot do, and what your partner wants and can or cannot do. It is all about intimacy and respect for each other.

For example, I am in no way comfortable with having multiple partners. Some people are into that sort of thing, and that’s fine. But to me, in my head, I am giving something so special to someone because I want to connect with them and them alone on a level that no one else gets to see or share. To me, sex and intimacy and loyalty are the same and they need to be together in order for my head not to explode. But like I said, this is just me I am speaking of. I am using an example.

Now on the flip side, I have two very good friends that have a very open relationship. They invite other people into their sexual relationship because it makes them feel like they can still achieve their sexual interests and maintain a healthy love life and home life. It works for them, because they have talked about it and continue to talk about it. They have changed things in this relationship from each others preferences over time, but this is still healthy because they are respecting each other and willing to listen and act only on what they agree upon.

Not having anyone to talk too about your preferences is difficult as well, because something like this seems scary to just out and talk about in a serious manor. So if you ever want to talk to me about it, by all means e-mail. I am pretty open-minded and have had a really good success rate with talking with couples about this particular subject. I am no therapist - don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it is easier to go into a conversation when you know what you would like to get out of it. So I will offer that. But also, if you need to know how to start a conversation on sex (or anything for that matter) you can follow these ten steps (I wish I had thought them up, but I learned this through a life coach seminar from many moons ago).

1. Always remember the purpose of the conversation is the exchange of ideas and experiences. The point of the conversation is to hear others' point of view and to share your own.

2. Kindness and respect should be the mental stance throughout. If another person is listening to your convictions, they are doing you a kindness. If they are sharing their own convictions, you are receiving the reflected light of their revealed truth. Respect is appropriate at such times, and indeed, necessary for the exchange to occur.

3. Be secure in your own convictions. Do not be needy, asking for affirmation during the conversation. If what you think it true, no one needs to tell you so. You should not try to convince the other person to agree with you.

4. Ask questions and listen to the answers.

5. If you don't understand something someone is saying, ask them to clarify: "When you said X, I'm not sure what you meant. Can you explain?"

6. Don't press too hard for explanations. New ideas may take some time to get your mind around. By pressing too hard for evidence, you may cause them to feel defensive.

7. Should your conversation partner be persistent in trying to get affirmation from you when you don't feel in agreement, do not answer insincerely. A soft answer, for example "I really need to think about that, I can't answer right now" might help to get past the sticking point

8. If you begin to feel angry, or cornered during the discussion, try to direct the conversation away from those ideas. However;

9. If your conversation partner expresses something that is illegal or disrespectful, or immoral to you, speak up. Stating that you do not feel comfortable with this is not wrong, but silence and concensous is.

10. If you feel close to responding in anger or otherwise behaving unkindly, excuse yourself. Try saying "This conversation is bringing up a lot of feelings for me. I really can't keep talking about this. I'm sorry. Excuse me." Don’t abandon the conversation. But agree to talk about it again later, which is much better than hurting someone.

What ever happens, I hope that you have the consideration for yourself and your future husband to have this conversation. It really does scare me to think that these conversations are not being had in relationships. After all, you don’t go into getting married thinking you will be divorced, so wouldn’t you want to do what you could to prevent that? It’s a lot easier to love a person when you know them, and it’s a lot easier to keep loving a person when you grow together and keep it real.

Good luck, and let us know if we can do anything else for you!

~Xmichra.

Signs of Stroke

Signs of a Stroke

My really good friend Chuck, sent me this. I think it's worth sharing!

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters.... S.T.R.

My good friend sent this and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree.

If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.

Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) .....she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 p.m. Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die.... they end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this...
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR .

Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke .
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today)
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other , that is also an indication of a stroke.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

Use That Ace

Dear Aunt Babz,

I need some serious advice. For the past month I’ve been feeling really low and alienated from my family and friends. It's only January but as the days pass I become more apprehensive.

Every summer my uncle visits us and stays for three months. He lives in a different country and has been divorced for about seven years and blind for five. It's hard on all of us to take care of someone who constantly needs attention. My six-member family lives in a really tiny apartment and it gets too crowded. The one thing we've always disliked about his stay is his smoking. He smokes about a pack and a half a day and it really bothers my family. He is really inconsiderate when it comes to that because he knows that it makes my mother sick.

Anyways, my uncle and I have been really close for the last two summers he’s been here. I felt that he was the only one who understood me and so we spent a lot of time together. I would vent my feelings and share my thoughts with him and he would be supportive and listen. I really loved his company and felt that he was my real parent. I found that spending a lot of time with my uncle was angering my mom and she would constantly fight with me and tell me that I shouldn’t take him outside. I just thought it was another excuse for my mom to keep me inside.

That summer, my mom and I and had big fights everyday and my uncle would give me advice on how to avoid them. Pretty soon, I trusted him over my parents and even though I was constantly mad, it felt great to have someone to talk to. My traditional family and I are never really on the same page. I guess my uncle felt the same way about our relationship because he would tell me that I was different from my family and that I was the smartest teenager that he had ever met. He even said he wished his son were as intelligent as I was. It really made my day to hear those things. I knew he was a smart man but no matter how much respect I had for him, I always felt sorry for him more because he was blind, had a broken home and had to depend on others so much although he had a lot of money.

As the summer progressed my uncle's behavior kind of changed but it was too subtle for me to notice at the time. He became more physical by always giving me hugs and kisses and then it became awkward. For example he would be running his hands down my back, feel my bra clasp, and tell me that I shouldn’t be wearing bras and that I should let my breasts have some air. I wouldn’t even expect to hear that from my mom and I was really surprised that he had the audacity to say something like that. Then he would steer our conversations into something more sexual and tell me that I could ask him anything and that he knew I had a lot of questions but was too afraid to ask. I became really nervous taking him out to walk because he didn’t know when to draw the line. Even though I knew it was wrong, I never said anything because I felt sorry for him and I’m ashamed to say that he did manipulate me. It just kept getting worse.

One day while on our walk, he told me that he didn’t feel like he was my uncle, instead he felt as though I were an adult. I took it as a compliment then but now I feel so stupid for not thinking twice about it. A week later, my uncle asked me to talk with him in the balcony where he smokes and that’s where it happened. As we talked casually he reached over my shoulder and put hands down my shirt grabbing my breast. It was horrifying but I wasn’t mad because he wired me to feel sorry for him and I did. But I yelled at him and told him no, he couldn’t do that. Then he quickly stood up and told me he was sorry. I wanted to cry but I also wanted it to be over. He told me to give him a hug and I did, he pulled my body too close to his, pushed his genitals too close to my pelvic area, and kissed me on the lips. I pulled myself away from him and left.

I stayed up the whole night crying. I really felt like dirt and was very ashamed. Mostly because I let my sympathy for him cloud my judgment. I didn’t speak to him for two days and then he asked my dad if he could go on a walk and my dad forced me to take him. I felt really angry. I was quiet most of the time and only spoke to tell him, I didn’t care. He then stopped us and told me he was extremely sorry. He said he would never touch me again but begged me to continue talking to him. I told him I would speak to him but I never forgave him.
For the two weeks he had left until he had to go back home I spoke to him but I wasn’t interested in what he said anymore. Soon I found that I wasn't angry anymore and that I felt sorry for him again because he looked really depressed. When I began to distance myself from him I found that I didn’t fight with my mom anymore. We became a lot closer. She then told me a secret and that it was crucial that I tell no one.

She told me that the reason my uncle was blind was because his wife left him, took their son and he wanted to make her feel bad. He overdosed on some pharmaceutical drug. His attempted suicide ended up messing up his nerves and now he’s blind. At that moment, I didn’t know what I felt. I knew that my uncle had this effect on people, where he would make them feel really sorry for him but this just blew my mind away. I no longer felt sorry for him, I felt sorry for myself. I had lived with what had happened and put more stress on myself for nothing. He created the mess that was his life and manipulated everyone into thinking he was helpless. I thought he was an inconsiderate jerk. His presence always made my parents fight and near divorce and we took it all because he wanted people to feel sorry for him!!!!!! Even before he was blind he had it all figured out.
I totally cut him out of my life. I didn’t speak to him during his last days and he knew I hated him. I always had the fear he would commit suicide in our house. Whenever I thought about him I wanted to throw up. So I blocked it all out and it all came crashing down every time he called and asked for me. Now, a while later, his time to come again is near and I can’t live with him. I think about it everyday and cry. I recently told my sister what happened and she cried too but I didn’t know how to stop him from coming.

My father loves his brother and insists that he comes every summer. Oh god I just wouldn’t be able to take that. When my mother and I were having a really good conversation about our hardships I begged her to stop him from coming. In the heat of the moment I let it all out and she was angry. Angry with him and angry with me for having kept it in for so long. Finally, after a long chat and a good cry my mom assured me that he would never step foot into out house again. I was relieved but now I had a bad feeling in my gut.

This confession could ruin my family. My father could hate me forever for saying things about his brother and I don’t want to ruin my parents relationship and I don’t want to add stress into my father’s life. I really love my parents and I don’t know what to do. My mom said she wouldn’t tell my dad until I was ready but I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Should I just tell my mom to forget it and let him visit so my father and everyone are happy? I just don’t know what to make of this situation. Please help and sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all out.

Thank you for your help,

J.W.

Dear J.W.,

Wow, with a capital "W." I really feel for you as none of this is fair to you, none whatsoever. As well, it's not your fault. I must point this out as quite often a victim of a molestation, yes, that's what it's called, feel they brought it on themselves or provoked it.

It has to feel like the ultimate betrayal, I would imagine? Especially so, since you'd tried to be there, emotionally, for your Uncle, only to have it turn around and bite you in the butt. Let me first point out, you did not deserve this. Yes, you should be able to be intimate with an Uncle and not have it turn into a sexual connotation. You were, for all intent and purpose, being a good niece. It is your Uncle who abused this privilege. I want to make sure you understand this and the fact that you've done nothing wrong. I could never reiterate this enough.

Now, let me make a suggestion;

Take this opportunity, use it to your advantage. In all actuality, what your Uncle did was, not only morally wrong but it is against the law. Having said this, realize the potential and possible outcome. Think about the situation and could he, would he, has he done this to someone else? It's quite possible, if he'd do this to you, he'd do it to anybody. It must be stopped. You have the power, right now to nip it in the bud before he deflowers some poor impressionable young girl. Imagine, someone who is not as well rounded as yourself, someone who is not as strong willed and what your Uncle might, unequivocally do to that person?

See, if he'd try this out on his own flesh and blood, if you ask me, he's behaving unscrupulously. Now, giving him the benefit of the doubt, you know, maybe he got caught up in the situation, wouldn't it be better, wouldn't you be doing him a service by demanding that he get help?

The Ace Up Your Sleeve

Yes, this is exactly what I would do, tell him to go for counseling or you will go to the authorities. He'll be charged and if found guilty, for the rest of his life, he will be considered a Sexual Offender. He'll have to register, under Megan's Law with his residing County and people will be able to see his picture and locale on a website.

You must point out all this, place it in no uncertain terms and ask him, which is the lesser of two evils; to get help, on his own or to have his name drug through the mud?If you file charges and yes, you do have that right under the new Sexual Victims Disclosure Laws, he will be arrested, charged and possibly remanded, for incarceration. Then as part of his Parole Packet/Orders he'll be required to attend Counseling for Sexual Offenders, anyway. Which would he prefer???

I would most certainly make him aware that you intend to play hardball with him and that he needs help. I would make him aware that you will never tolerate his behavior, it disgusts you, not to mention the hurt and confusion, it must bring about. As well, I don't know your Sisters age but you must make sure this does not happen to her or anyone else, for that matter. I doubt you are his first. I'd be willing to bet, his brazen behavior has been going on for quite some time. You have the Ace, play it and start the healing, stop the pain and stop him from hurting anyone else.

Trust Issues

I further suggest, if at all possible, for you to seek counseling. When a person in a place of authority, i.e., teacher, government official and especially a parent or family member violates your trust, we often times have an extremely difficult time allowing ourselves to trust again. More often than not, when a person, a female has had that trust violated, they tend to equate it as, all men, in general, are untrustworthy. They often go on to form the opinion that all men are dogs. Men are hardwired differently than women and it's often times hard for us, as women to understand what motivates them. We don't think like that, nor do we behave as they do, especially a sexual predator or male that molests. But all men are not like that and it would be the crowning insult to injury, for you to go on and harbor resentments towards men, as a whole. It could/would affect you, possibly, the rest of your life. See this scenario's importance!

I can tell that you are what I call, a "Survivor." This means, you tend to take on more than you should and just get through it. Where others crumble, you still stand. We survivors usually stuff things, deep down and just try to muddle through. But my suggestion is for you to look at this and not ignore it. I don't want you to allow this to own you either. Yes, you will rise above it but remember you have been a victim. I think you down play this in the name of keeping the peace.

My Advice

I believe you should write a letter to your Uncle, stating his options. He has to know you mean business. Although you've been taught to respect your elders, he does not deserve you respect any longer. You let him know that he will not ask to come there and if he pushes to come there, you will tell your Father everything. He must know that you will no longer allow him to manipulate you, his brother and most of all, he will not come between your parents ever again. You tell him you want proof that he is in counseling or you will file charges against him. Do not be afraid of him. Do not allow this guy to keep you a victim any longer.

One thing you will soon learn, is that if you don't look out for you, no one will. Even though you are young, I want you to begin to be good to yourself. Stop the madness right now. By writing your Uncle and letting him know that he is not welcome until such time as he has gone to counseling, for a lengthy period of time, he will not even attempt to try to visit. Make it real clear that you will tell God and the world all about his little game of molestation and manipulation. He has held all of you, your family, as hostage for far too long. You are the key to breaking this cycle. Do it for you, as well as your family.

You are still impressionable, at this age. I'd love to see you work through this, in it's entirety, with a psychologist, school guidance counselor or some form, any form of counseling, please?

Do not be dismissive of this or become complacent about it. It is what it is. Even if it/he is family, it's wrong, almost doubled in strength. You must be stronger than it and I believe you can be.

I am here and will continue to be here for you. The lines of communication are open on my end. If I can be of any further assistance, know that I am here. If I can steer you in the direction, to begin the healing, just say the word. As well, make sure you read Mary's response to you. She has some excellent points. We are all here for you and will continue to support you, you need only to reach out and write. Big Hugz!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear J.W.

First thing is first, stop apologizing for all this! You are trying to explain what has been a very traumatic event in your life and shouldn’t feel sorry for trying to explain it in full. Not to mention, this isn’t your fault. And it isn’t a “fault” as such. And I will get into this in a moment or so. And I also want to commend you on the courage it takes to let this all out. To your sister, your mother, to yourself, to us. It takes so much inner strength to see things as they have happened, remove your self from them to analyze and then to work on the problems. And you are there, in the last stages, trying to figure out what to do next. Trying to figure out what the best thing to do is.

There are plenty of things that I could go into here, but the one I would like to focus on is your own personal health and safety. Let’s look at this in a few different situations okay?

- You have already told your mother all that has happened and I am pretty sure that if she had such a strong reaction, that she has already talked to your father about this (or has tried). Parents will usually try to do the best by their children, and I would think that in this situation that your father will not have an open invitation for your uncle this year. So if this is the case, you will not have to fear your uncle’s visit, because your father wouldn’t allow it.

- Your father won’t hate you. I have to say this because victims of sexual assault always pin the ownership on themselves.. And it is unfair. If your father is a “complicated man” (most are, but by this I mean from the old world. I would use my own as an example, where he came from Germany and has a different mind set as to how honor works and what it means to be loyal to family) he may seem hard or unkind to you after learning all this… but it will be because he cannot comprehend what has happened and he cannot come to terms with what his brother has done to you. He may become very over protective and put unusual restraints on you (like curfews and such) because he won’t know what to do. Don’t think of this as a punishment… this is his inability to cope. And you will need help of some sort to work this out (because obviously this is not a beneficial relationship either). But he doesn’t hate you; he needs help to come to terms with this. He will feel like it was his fault that this happened. It was his brother and his hospitality. And even though that is the furthest thing from the truth, it will be hard for him to make amends in his own mind. So give him time to process as well.

Given these two things and the variation of feelings and emotions that everyone will be going through… it will all come down to if the uncle comes to stay. I always say hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. So. Let’s look at what you can do IF for some reason your family cannot get out of this and he comes to stay.

#1 – YOU have nothing to be sorry for. You weren’t inviting this behavior and you didn’t deserve this. You are a teenager, and even though you sound like a very smart young woman… you are still young. And you do not have the life skills to see when you are being manipulated. I don’t mean this to be a fighting sentence here. When I was a teenager I thought that I could see manipulation. But the truth is when you are younger.. you can’t see the whole thing. And by the time you see the wolf in sheep’s clothing it is normally too late. And HE should have known better, and he does.

#2 – If you do decide to forgive him (because you haven’t thus far) you need to let go of all of this. You need to tell yourself that you are better then this, better than him and you can feel sorry for what your uncle has lost and will never regain: your friendship. It sounds to me like this is a man who has forged his whole life on manipulation and doesn’t know what to do with real friendship and real feelings. It sounds to me like a very unfulfilling life, and one that will make his life miserable. And it was his path to choose. His sickness is his own to carry. But you do not have to feel sorry for his sickness.

#3 – If you cannot forgive him (and trust me, it’s going to be hard if you do and understandable if you can’t), then you can’t let this jade you. I am of a different “school” if you will. I believe that you don’t have to forgive people who have royally fucked you over (and I definitely think that he has). But you can’t let that make you jaded and not see life for all that it is. Letting go of this doesn’t mean you have to forget, it means that you will learn and become stronger. It means that you will take this experience and you will recognize it and you will not let it happen to you or anyone you love. And so by doing this, living your life and not letting him “get to you” you are proving his manipulation to be useless. You are beating him at his own game.

#4 – If your uncle is staying, then keep your distance. Be cordial if you can, but don’t have this happen again. You know now what kind of man he is. You know now the way he will give complements and make you feel. You know now the game he plays to have his own personal gratification filled. Do not fall prey to this. You know in your heart and head that you are smart and you are wiser now. Use that knowledge to protect yourself and to defeat him.

#5 – explain all of your actions to your parents and do not be alone with your uncle. Explain to your father (if your mother hasn’t told him) that you do not feel comfortable being alone with your uncle, so unsupervised walks is something you would like to stay away from. If he asks why, tell him again that you do not feel comfortable being alone with your uncle. If you keep telling him your concerns, he will get the message. Tell your parents what you fear, and tell them what you can do to help (like maybe making meals or something that doesn’t require alone time). Reiterate that you will help your parents because you love and honor them, but you do not have respect for your uncle and cannot in good conscious be around him alone. Also, you have a sister. If for any other reason to say something it is to protect her. You know the evil that lies in this man, and you need to protect your family.

Like I said before, your uncle sounds like a very ill man. It sounds like he needs psychiatric help, and isn’t willing to get it. Which is his cross to carry. But you do not have to be the victim. And you do not have to perpetuate this behavior. You can change all of this if you talk to your father and let him know what’s going on.

If for some reason your father cannot cope with all that you will tell him, or you feel like he won’t, then get some outside help. I don’t know where you live, but there is always someone that can help in situations like this to help deal and resolve. Community therapists, preachers, councilors. There are a lot of resources. And your mother wants to tell your father, that much is evident. She doesn’t want this man in her house any more than you do. So let her help you tell your father. Let her help.

No matter what happens though, you cannot just try and “make everyone happy” and put yourself at risk. A parents job is to protect and help their children, and if you don’t let them know when you need this help you are putting yourself at such huge menace, and that can become worse then anything you could possibly imagine. I don’t say this to scare you, I say this so that you can take this information and you can protect yourself. You need to tell your father, and your family needs to come to terms with this while there is time. The time to say something is now, not when it is two weeks till your uncle visits. You need to say something to preserve your safety and the safety of your family.

Please let me know if you need any resources and I will help you find them. Please let us know if you need help talking to your father (I will gladly e-mail in confidence as I have a lot of experience in this area).

And please, please be safe.

~Xmichra.

Dear J.W. What a difficult situation you are in! The weight you are bearing right now is enormous. Not only are you carrying the weight of your own pain and shame and self-blame for what happened with your uncle, you are faced with the prospect of living in the same house with him again. In addition, you are feeling responsible for maintaining the happiness and stability of your family. Any one part of that would be a huge burden for anyone to bear. Fortunately, you don't have to bear it alone. You are doing exactly the right thing by reaching out for help: to your sister, to your mom, to all of us here at Ask Aunt B.

You sound like a person who is deeply caring, compassionate and empathetic. It shows a deep love for your family that you want to protect them from the painful consequences of your uncle's actions. Those qualities are a wonderful gift, one you should cherish and develop. But as you do, don't forget to take care of the most important person in your life, the one you have the greatest responsibility of all to care for, nurture and respect: yourself. And believe it or not, that's one of the hardest things in the world to do. It takes some people a lifetime to learn, but in reaching out for help, you are already on your way.

There are a few things you can do for yourself in this situation. First, focus on healing. You loved and trusted your uncle, and he betrayed your trust in a truly terrible way. It's normal to doubt yourself and to doubt other people. It's normal to be hurt and angry. It's normal to blame yourself, to feel that you should have known better, to feel ashamed. Believe me, I know. But the truth is, it really isn't your fault. You'll need time to heal and to learn to trust yourself again. And you may need help to do that. If there is a school or a religious counselor you can speak to, please do. If you don't feel ready to do that, you can call Childhelp's free hotline at 1-800-422-4453, where you can speak to a counselor anonymously and get more information about help in your area. To give yourself time to heal, you should keep yourself safe from your uncle: not only physically safe, but mentally and emotionally safe. Given the level of stress and anxiety you are feeling about him right now, I believe that means keeping yourself away from him and out of contact with him. Finally, work on learning to trust other people to take care of themselves. That can be hard, especially if some of the people in your life may not have done a very good job with this in the past. In this case, remember that your parents are adults. They should be able to manage their own marriage and their own relationships. They should be capable of managing their own stress. If they aren't, it's not your responsibility to shoulder that burden for them. Quite the opposite! You are a teenager living at home, which means that, as mature as you are, it is still your parents' responsibility to care for you. And hard as it is to believe, you are not providing anyone with true happiness by hiding the truth, you are perpetuating an illusion. Your uncle is mentally ill and has molested you, and if you simply hide that, it doesn't change reality. You may not be ready to break the illusion -- sometimes the illusion is what you (or others around you) want right now -- but true happiness can't be found in secrets and lies. You have show remarkable strength in a terrible, confusing and painful situation. Trust yourself, take care of yourself and let others help carry some of the weight for you.

I will be thinking of you,

Mary (MPJ)

Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong...

Guest Advisory from;

A Room of Mama's Own

Mary answers this rather poignant question on Sexual Addiction...


Dear Aunt Babz,

I've been married for 10 months. Things were great up until about the 6 month mark, when I found porn on my computer's browse history. I was calm, and when I asked my husband if he knew anything about it, he became angry and yelled at me saying I was "accusing" him. After that, bedroom activity slacked off. It's continued to decline, and now our sex life is almost non-exist ant. I keep finding recurring porn sites, and I've only brought it up with him twice. Both times, he turns the tables on me with the "Why are you accusing me?" speech and lies to my face about the porn. Until now, I've never had a problem with porn. I've even watched some myself, but I have not since getting married. It bothers me that it's now interfering with our time spent together, and it's becoming more frequent, especially while I am in bed asleep next to him (computers are next to the bed on each side). I've tried initiating sex, and he continues to reject me. When we do have sex, it's always missionary. No variations, no exploration, no desire from him to "change it up", though I would very much like to (and he knows this). I've actually SEEN him masturbating & watching porn while he thought I was asleep. I was too sick & horrified to even say anything then. This is destroying me emotionally. My self esteem is getting lower and lower. Anytime I see any pornographic images now, I feel sick to my stomach. I'm becoming jealous, and paranoid. I know this is NOT a good thing. I've tried discussing it with him, and have told him while in tears how much this hurts me and how uncomfortable it's making me... He will slack off watching the porn for a few days to a week, at best...then it's back to square one. Please help me. I don't know what to do, or how to approach him. He's always on the defensive side. The porn itself does not anger me...it's the fact that I honestly feel like he has chosen the porn over me, his wife. I love him, that's why I married him. I'm open-minded & willing to do anything to gain his attention again. How do you talk to the guy who is "always innocent" about porn in marriage? -Depressed & Hurt Wife.

Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife,

If I could reach through the computer screen and give you a big

tearful hug, as one injured woman to another, believe me I would. I

have been where you have been: waiting for my husband to come to bed

to me while he stayed up later and later looking at porn (and in my

case, more, it turned out), wondering what I was doing wrong and how I

could be sexier, yelling and crying and pleading with him to tell me

what was wrong.

It turns out that what was wrong didn't have anything

to do with me. And this doesn't have anything to do with you.

Your husband's behavior is not about you. You're not doing anything

wrong. He's not using porn or refusing to have sex with you because

you're not sexy or because he doesn't love you or because you're not

exciting and attractive. He's using porn because he can't stop: he's

an addict. My husband is too.

I know the idea of being addicted to porn may sound crazy. After all,

porn isn't a substance like alcohol or heroin or crack, right? But

the brain chemicals released when engaging with porn can provide their

own kind of high. And for some people (possibly your husband), the

high provided by porn and masturbation can be greater than the high of

actual sex.

The behavior you've described is all the behavior of an

addict: needing greater amounts of porn to satisfy his need for a

"high," denying and trying to hide his behavior, having his behavior

interfere with his relationship and above all, being unable to stop.

The good news is that doctors and mental health professionals, as well

as society at large, are gaining a better understanding of sexual

addictions every day. There are many more resources available to help

you than there ever have been before. There are a number of excellent

books on the subject, as well as a variety of 12 Step programs for

addicts and their partners, along with in- and out-patient treatment

centers (yes, rehab for porn addiction).

The bad news is that your husband does not sound like he is willing to

admit that he has a problem yet. Unfortunately, he cannot change his

behavior without treatment, and the old saying is absolutely true, the

first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem.

You can, and should, speak with your husband about his addiction (it often helps to do this together with a mental health professional or a spiritual

leader), but there is no guarantee that you will be able to break through his denial.

Whatever happens, this will be a long journey for you. Here are a few

things that may help you:

• Talk to a therapist or counselor. Try to find one who understands addictions, preferably sexual/porn addictions.

If you are religious, talk to a trusted spiritual leader

Find an S-Anon or

COSA Meeting. (Meeting information is available on their websites.) These are groups for partners of people addicted to sex and pornography. You will meet

other people here who will understand your pain and who can help you

work through it.

Start learn about sex addiction. S-Anon and COSA have resources

on their websites. In addition, Patrick Carnes, PhD is an expert on sexual

addiction and has written several books, including ;
In the Shadows of the Net, which deals with online pornography and sexual

behavior.

Remember that you cannot change your husband and focus on doing

what you need to take care of your own physical, mental and spiritual

health.

Remember that you're not alone.

You should be really proud of yourself. You knew that something was

wrong, even if you didn't know quite what it was, and you trusted that

feeling and reached out for help. So many women in your situation

doubt themselves and suffer in silence for years and years. I know,

as well as anyone can, how much you are hurting now. But I also know

that you are taking the first step toward healing.

If it would help you, please feel free to e-mail me at

mailto:mamampj@gmail.com.

All the best to you and your husband,

Mary (MPJ)

Blogging about sex addiction (among other things) at

A Room of Mama's Own

Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife,

I will offer one more thing here, get the computers out of the bedroom!! I mean that is just begging for neglect. A bedroom should be a place of solitude and for a couple to rejuvenate. Not a place to have all sorts of distractions around. Or at least that is my personal opinion.

Maybe the porn isn't something that you can accept, but it also isn't something evil. So make sure that you aren't coming across as being accusatory. The only reason I say this, is that sometimes this isn't an addiction. Sometimes, it is a guy being a guy and having to defend or out right lie about his preferences because he feels ashamed. There is nothing wrong with looking at porn, or enjoying it. There is something wrong with letting porn interfere with your real life relationships.

I would definitely recommend talking to a third party about this if you can. Seeing as though it seems that you cannot have this conversation without someone feeling hurt (and it is a touchy subject).

But the point here is that you are recognizing something that you are having a problem with, "the porn," and you need to address that too. You want to be "open minded" but really it feels like a slight. And I get that. Truly I do. But it won't help you to solve this particular problem if you are not 100% honest with how you feel and what you can deal with.

Not all guys who watch porn are addicts. Not all women who watch porn do it for their satisfaction. Not all relationships are the same. And in those three sentences you need to figure out where you two sit. And you need to be comfortable with what you decide.

Hope you do well with your talks, and hope you can get the romance back in your room where it belongs!!

~Xmichra~

Some Additional Helpful Links

Dateline NBC; Battling Sexual Addiction

Sex Help.com; Sexual Addiction Screening Test

Recovery Connection (Sexual Addiction Helpline)

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Dr. Babz D.L. Method

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi,

I have just started a new job and all though this may seem really trivial and stupid but I feel under pressure to get everything right. I work in a cafe and I had a really bad day last week, my boss was pushing me to do things and I did everything wrong, I can't cook but I am learning how to, I have been there since the fourth of this month. I really like the people I work with and the customers are great to get on with but being pushed and pressured into doing things right is making me do everything wrong.

My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things and all though today wasn't bad at work, the experience from last week has put me off serving customers and when my boss does call in the kitchen my heart is in my throat, I won't serve customers until she has gone.

I can only think of one person who has told her I need to be pushed and that person is the women who did have to push me to look for work when I was on a program for Jobseekers, I am in work now and I hate to be reminded by my boss that I am on a three months trial to prove myself to her that I can do this job and I can.

My boss is great she gave me a chance and I don't want to let her down, I also don't want to loose this job and be unemployed because it's so hard to find work. Please could you give me advice on what to do, if I spoke to her how could I tell her like an adult that the pressure isn't needed. Please help me on what to do, I am drinking about half a glass of wine in the morning before I go to work to help me be a bit more confident. This may seem a really stupid problem but it really isn't to me.

2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.


Dear Friend,

First, let me state that your question is quite valid and many of us suffer from this intimidation, a malady similar to "Stage Fright." I've gone through the same thing and quite frankly, there was a time when I would shake in my boots, when I had to start a new job.

"The way I put all this, may seem unconventional but I am going to be as direct and to the point as I can."

Basically, you've got to adapt, into your system, the Dr.Babz's, "World Famous; D.L. Method." Yes, you've got to download this into your psyche, learn it, digest it, breathe it, incorporate it, live it, become it and then allow it to Empower you!

I can't say what I did at one time, they'd have to kill me and you, hahaha, but way before that, when I was a young Mother, I wanted to work but only part time. I wanted to be able to breast feed my kids and the only job, at that time was Tupperware. I could go do a party and be back within 2-3 hours. But let me tell you what, I felt like a bumbling idiot, a good portion of the time. Sales is not easy and if you have any kind of self esteem issues, which by the way, is what's going on here, sales is probably the hardest thing you could choose to do.

Eventually, I got over my fear, usually using humor, my trademark and I began to do rather well. The bonus in that is the pay, as in any job, you do well. But I can remember when I was so intimidated, I even had a terrible time remembering people's names and would just about die inside, every time I had to meet someone new.

Now, you may not think, this is all that but I went on to become a Tupperware Manager with a Company car, one which came right off the showroom floor. I was making good money, which, as I mentioned is quite the motivator to hone your craft. Because of the area I lived in, a very repressed, no jobs kind of area, my people had to work extra hard. As well, so did I, just to keep up our sales, as we competed with the benchmark sales of the big city numbers. It wasn't easy but it was proving ground.


Hopefully we're paying attention and learning as we go. I believe that all we do in this life, all we go through;

1. Is for a reason
2. Trains us for what's coming next
3. Teaches us Empathy
4. Teaches us Compassion
5. Hopefully enables us to help someone else
6. Even one person at a time

I was gripped with fear, until I began to put my life into perspective. At one point, if you read the post prior to this, I was in an extremely abusive situation and this is where I began to develop my,"D.L. Method."

Yes, on one hand or rather one minute, I was a powerhouse, the next I was Babbling Babz the Bimbo Minded Boob. Things in my life caused me to behave this way. I was even diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as a matter of fact, years later and after the jobs, I can't mention. I was a mess, for sure. Inside, I was this strong minded person, who was being held down by an oppressor. Many things oppressed me but namely, my ex taught me, rather nicely that I had to hold/bridle my tongue lest I eat my teeth. Inside though I was a raving maniac. When we fought and we'd fight like two men, I eventually figured out the hard way, that it was when I, "sassed back," that it would infuriate him. So, to keep my teeth intact and up until the point where I took back control, I would use my
D.L. Method. Now, D.L. stands for, of course, on the down low, on the Q.T., hush hush and this adaptation, well, it was my way of coping. He would say things and infuriate me. He'd be slinging the proverbial mud and I couldn't say a thing.

So, I began to look him straight in the eye, during these Bitch Fests and tell him exactly what I thought about him, exactly what I had to say but only in my mind. No, I wouldn't utter a word but I'd be cussing him out, calling him everything but a white boy, all in my mind. It was a coping mechanism and at that time, it was all I had. It got me through a verbally abusive situation. I do believe he knew as I'd often end up smiling, which would sometimes infuriate him even more.

Before all this, at Sales Rallies and Conventions, I remember their version of getting over intimidation. That would be for you to envision your intimidater, in their underwear. Later, when I would train men and women, in sales, I remembered this but added a twist, an adaptation of that age old sales empowerment practice.

First, there were many people, I did not want to envision in their underwear. Yuk!
I had made an observation, that I would go on and teach, for years to come.
If you feel intimidated by this person and you can't look them in the eye, look at their nose. You will find that it moves about and is rather humorous. Try not to laugh but it will, if nothing else, cause them to appear human...just like you. No better, no worse. Furthermore, they are no better or worse than you. No one is...no one. Just for giggles, if nothing else, next conversation with someone, anyone, test my theory and watch their nose. Yes, the nose is a rather amusing apparatus, if you ask me and it moves about as we talk. It just humanized and equalized the situation.

Yours is a self esteem issue and you must do your best to put it all into perspective. Life is perspective and how we choose to perceive all things, all people. You are intimidated by your boss, your duties, the people at this job and so on. But ask yourself, what it is that you are so worried about? I mean truly, I imagine that you have a good sense of work ethic, I can just tell. I also believe that you want to do a good job and it worries you sick, that you won't,
"Get It." But you will get it and you just need the confidence to realize this.

Do not drink. Bad, Bad, Bad idea! You must learn, when you are under the gun, so to speak, to breath by using relaxation techniques. Take in a deep breathe. Blow it out as if you are cooling a spoon full of soup. It is a matter of seconds that make the difference. In those seconds, breathe in and blow out, giving yourself time to think, grasp what is being said to you, allowing it to download into your brain. It's seconds.

I also believe your emphasis, your minds priority, in those first seconds and beyond is/are misguided and misplaced. It's as if you have ADD and you just can't concentrate on what or how you are being trained, on the task at hand. It's like your mind is working as if you had an 8 Track reel to reel going on, playing in your head. I'm speaking of an 8 Track, like in a recording studio, if you've ever been privy to one. Your mind is playing what is being said, with overlays of you arguing with yourself, another layer is telling that layer to shut up, don't sweat it and on and on. You are thinking too hard and over analyzing everything, aren't you?

You must calm your spirit and stop telling yourself, stop the inner dialogue, that holds you back from listening, hearing and applying. You know damn well, you are a good worker, once you know your stuff, now don't you?

I've rambled on but my suggestion to you is to read all you can on Empowerment. Just because you're out of school doesn't mean you are done learning. Take your butt back to school, in the sense of studying yourself, your weaknesses and strong points. Study, make a conscience effort to reign in that positive force, that lays dormant inside of you. Learn to tell that big mouth, you know the one inside that tells you that you can't do something, to shut up and shut it down.

I also suggest that, at night, you go over what you've been told, taught and trained, that day. Envision doing the procedure, as if it's a dress rehearsal. Make sure you get plenty of sleep and try not to over analyze everything, as you do tend to do, huh? You do yourself no good by analyzing every, what you perceive as critical word/statement from your boss. You'll stand only to make yourself crazy.

If at all possible, listen to an uplifting song, on your way to work, it may just frame how you feel, once you arrive. Finally, take back control. Do your homework, read about empowerment, even the posts I have here, on the sidebar. Yes, so that strong willed, I can do it woman, that we both know, is within you, will win!

Make sure you read Xmichra's answer to you. It is a strong message and the inside scoop on what an employer expects.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t say this on the site because it’s a little too personal, but my job is in human resources and in particular the employment insurances “get back to work” program. I not only deal with what you are going through on a daily basis, but also understand the difficulty of becoming “positively assertive”. What does this mean? It means that in any business you work in, if you can attain the ability to both be positive with your attitude regarding work and assertive with your needs, while achieving the goals set out by yourself and your company that you can have that “great job” everyone is looking for.

Before I get into anything else here, it sounds like you respect your boss and like her. It doesn’t sound like she is asking you to do impossible things either, so I will continue on the assumption that this is the case. Because if she is asking you to do things that aren’t in the labor law or outside of your job description or is really cruel, then this is a totally different story. As it is, you sound as though you are overwhelmed. So I will go with that.

Basically in your situation I see a few things. One, don’t drink. Drinking will only get you fired. Alcohol doesn’t give you more courage; it lowers inhibitions, which also makes for trouble. You could say the wrong thing, you could really injure yourself and others (especially if you are cooking) and if your boss were to suspect you were drinking on the job and just can’t prove it?? Well they will likely try to make you quit by being hard on you, so that they don’t have to deal with the potential fall out. So do yourself a huge favor and just stop drinking before work. It is doing you no favors.

Now your job I am sure has a learning curve, you started on the 4th right? Are you working full time or part time? The reason I ask, is that after about two weeks of full time employment most employers will expect a certain level of professionalism and ability from their new recruits. Also, in an industry with light memory or repetitive job tasks it is expected that you catch on rather quickly. The first week is to teach an employee “the ropes”. The second week is to see how an employee does “under pressure” and after a month it is pretty well expected that you know your job and now you are just making your skills better and more fine tuned. Sounds to me like your employer is keeping on a fairly obvious track here. But that doesn’t necessarily make it right.

The problem is that there really is no good way to go about this issue with your boss. I never get to say this to people because I have to be politically correct and I have to be so objective between the employers and the employees. But I will level with you. In my experience, new hires (people in their three month probationary period) who go to their bosses and try to talk to them about behaviors or the way they would like to be treated… are deemed whiners and not taken seriously. In fact, whatever treatment you are receiving now will likely become worse. Why? Because you are the new person trying to tell a boss what to do. I know this makes little sense, but it is the truth. It is seldom that a person who is in charge of anything will let a new person weigh in on how they should manage… even if it is only in regard to how they are treating you. To the manager, they are the experts, they are the reason that the business is thriving, and without their knowledge the company would be nothing. Seriously, this is the mindset. And to some extent, it’s true. Good managers know how to train, know how to retain and know how to please their staff. And this person may indeed be a great manager. It’s all in the timing and the ranks.

At any rate, I don’t know this particular manager or you. But I do know that a manager who is trying to drill in a standard of excellence is often looked upon as “picking” on their new hires. And sometimes they are a little hard. And sometimes you will have bad days. But the absolute worst thing you can do is to prove them right. And you are doing this by not serving customers, by being freaked out when the boss comes into the kitchen, by taking the criticisms from your boss of the job personally, and by placing the boss’s actions on other co-workers opinions (“My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things”).

Bottom line is that the boss has a job to do as well, and they are going to be held accountable for it, the same as they will hold you accountable for learning and excelling at your job. And when you are in the probationary period it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel some days, because things will not seem fair. But generally a boss will not ask you to do something that they themselves have not done or wouldn’t do.

Best thing you can do is to really try and get past these obstacles and do your job to the best of your ability. Let go of the fact that you are in your probationary period, and work in your job like you mean it, you want it, and you have it. The job is after all, yours. Now you just need to keep it. And you will if you ignore the idea that your boss is pushing you too hard and accept that as a personal challenge. Accept it and defeat it. Go to work and learn. Do the job. Be the best that you can each and every day. And don’t wait to be asked what you need to learn. Ask for it.

The number one reason for employers/employees terminating their employment is training. “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything” is not the right response. Neither is “just figure it out on your own”. The employer must be willing to provide the tools and the training required to do the job they ask of their employees. And in turn, the employee must make the effort to excel at their abilities by asking for explanation or further instruction on things that are out of their knowledge. So don’t be afraid. Do your job, do it well.

And just like anything else, something new is always a bit scary. But once you have had this job for a few months you will look back and think “why did I think this was so hard?”. And you will be really pleased with yourself for being motivated and achieving your employment goals.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!

~Xmichra