Stagnate

Dear Aunt B,

this is really weird for me because i am a very reserved person and maybe that's why i'm asking for help from you rather than anyone close to me who i know.
I dont know what is happening in my life. all of a sudden its like i dont have any real friends. i have no1 to hang ou with in school exept my best friend, i dont know or interract with any1 but my boyfriend in a day.. ive always been popular but now im being known as a slut cuz my ex boyfriend, to take out his frustration (i broke up) is telling evry1 that i slept with him, which is true but not meant to be spread. my current bf.. hez jus amazing. he loves me has always. we were best friends before we started dating. i love him so much but most of my friends hate him. jus cuz hez a little emo and duzn like too much company all the time exept me. i love ppl wid me. i love having alot of ppl to hang out with, i love ppl wanting to talk to me, i love it when ppl LIKE me! thats jus me!! but im losing evry1.. the only person i hav now is my bf and a best friend whose like my sister.


please help me!


i dont wana b alone cuz im scared of going back to the dark hole i came out from... i dont wanna become that way.. and i dont want ppl to think of me as a slut who duzn care about any1z emotions..

Dear Reader,

I suppose the first thing that comes to mind, for me at least, was to tell you to stop worrying about being called a slut. I mean, for real, you are not a slut so why sweat it?

What I'm saying, in that regard is that people will always go for, look for your soft pink under belly, you know that place to hit where it hurts the most. And obviously it worked.

People will always do this and I'd be a liar if I said when that sort of thing happened to me, it didn't hurt. It hurt hardcore. But as I grew older I also realized that quite often, I was handing people the ammunition to hurt me or rather I was showing them that under belly I spoke of. They then used it against me.

With maturity comes understanding. With maturity comes the knowledge that they/people can only hurt me IF and when I allow it. You must become thicker skinned, Like An Onion with it's many layers, layers that protect it's inner core.

How To???

When you hear something, someone might say about you, in an effort to improve ones self, we do a self examination, we look at what the person has said. We then ask ourselves if there's any truth or validity to the statement and in this case, you were called a Slut. And when it comes down to it, sleeping with your boyfriend is what we do, now isn't it?

Now, I do not condone or encourage you to sleep with a guy especially until you really really get to know him and hopefully you have safe sex...

Read This;

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Since the dawn of time, guys have been doing their damnedest to get us in bed, I mean it's just what they do. And the next thing ya know, they go right out and tell the world. If you don't hook up with him or if you break up, it's the very first thing he's going to do; Tell the world. It goes right along with bragging rights a guy thinks he's obtained once he's "tagged your ass."

Having said this, for your own well being, first realize that every guy wants in your pants, it's his main objective, "the thrill of the kill," so to speak. But if you just give right in thinking that it'll catch the guy, you are very wrong.

If he's the real deal, he'll work at it, he'll respect that you will not just lay down with any guy and when you do finally give in, it just might be special, a gift so to speak.

The next subject I'd like to approach is what may very well be a mismatch with your Emo fellow. Maybe it's not a mismatch, it's possible that I used the wrong term. At the same time, you must ask yourself one pertinent question; Why should I become a recluse for someone, change my outgoing nature or even give up friendships, companionship, etc. for someone that loves me?

I guess the question might be, is he requesting that you not go out with girlfriends or associate with anyone but himself? If this is true and this is why you've stopped maintaining those friendships, well G-Friend, the Red Flags should go way way up.

Now, if that's not the case, I suggest that you realize that you must be a whole person, in and of yourself and get back out there, living your life to the fullest! If he chooses to stay stuck in his antisocial life, let him be.

Finally, no relationship, no love on this earth should immobilize a person. And the way I see it, you are becoming stagnate. Take a long hard look at all this. I hope you'll write me again and tell me how you got back out there in the thick of things, your happy and healthy and hopefully still in love.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Reader,

This is the plight of the teen-aged school girl, and I do understand. All of us women who have grown understand what is happening with you right now. And we don’t want you spiraling into a dark place either.

So, with that said, please keep in mind that I have been where you are, and say the following not as being complacent or brushing you off, but I say this to you because you need to listen carefully.

Being popular, sometimes, is still being alone.

You have an awesome best friend, and a boyfriend who cares deeply for you. The rest, is unimportant. People are going to come in and out of your life, and constantly trying to be liked by everyone isn’t going to get you anywhere but feeling sorry for yourself. Being popular is something most teens strive for, but it is unrealistic and so freaking redundant. It is nice to be liked and have attention... but if you are the center of attention, expect some bad attention too. Karma isn’t a one way door.

Concentrate on the relationships you DO HAVE, and the rest, let it roll off. Your ex-boyfriend was a douche, he spread your sex life around and that is hard to deal with when something so private is displayed openly. But the best thing you can do about that is to just shrug it off. I know that sounds crazy... but if you make a drama out of it, you are going to get drama in return.

This will pass, life does get better, and the things you thought were important today will change next year. Just think of how much you have changed and grown since last year, and you will see I speak the truth.

This is my advice – let it go. Let it stop controlling your happiness. You have two really great friends that you can trust and rely on, and I am sure you have more acquaintances than you realise. You should be thankful for your friendships and put your effort into them, not into fighting with your asshole ex, and trying to regain your reputation. Your rep will come back when you let the drama pass. So let it pass.

I hope you can stand strong and brush off the antics of others, and enjoy the present. It truly is a gift.

~Xmichra.

Further Reading;

Be An Onion

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True To Yourself

Dear Aunt B,

I am a 31 year old woman in a same-sex dating situation with a 34 year old woman. The lines of our relationship are very blurry. I guess you can say that the basis of our relationship is a good friendship, mixed with some physical intimacy. I really, really like this woman and I want to push our relationship to the next level. She likes me too, but says that she is not necessarily looking for a relationship at this time because she has been through a lot (separation from wife and their child, incarceration) and wants to focus on herself and her goals. I can respect this; I have accomplished a lot in terms of education/career so I am doing everything I can to help her to elevate herself and accomplish her goals as well. However, as we have been spending more and more time together my feelings for her have deepened. I know that she is spending time with and getting to know other women that she is attracted to because she has told me. I am a very sensitive/emotional person. I need security in my life. This situation is causing me a significant amount of stress and pain. It hurts me to know that while I am at home thinking about her, she is out with someone else. My fear is that she is using me as a kind of comfort/security blanket (someone to talk to for hours every day and be physically intimate with) while she is getting to know someone else. I am afraid that once she finds someone she really likes, she will drop me. What should I proceed? Your response is greatly appreciated.



Dear Reader,


It sounds to me like you two are in very different places. She is not wanting to settle down, and has no intention of doing so any time soon. And you are looking for something more serious and commitment.


It’s not a bad thing, to have given a relationship a try, but you need to recognize when it isn’t healthy for you any longer. And I think you know, that you are there.


She isn’t doing anything wrong, and she has been very honest with you... so you hang on waiting to see if she will change her mind and just be with you. But I really don’t think that is going to happen. She is in a place in her life where she wants to explore and be free. And there is nothing wrong with that, and she is doing very good by you telling you what she is ready for and not ready for.


But just because that is commendable and great to know... it doesn’t help you in the least. Unfortunately you need to figure out in your head if you want to settle for being a piece of her life, and not a whole. You need to figure that out, and figure out what you need and want in your life, because I know that you want way more, and it’s just not going to happen right now.. or maybe not ever.


Honestly, I would say close the chapter on this book. She isn’t doing anything wrong, but she isn’t what you need either. You will not feel happy in the current situation, and you need to have more. Recognize your needs and move forward.


I know that wasn’t what you wanted to hear... but I hope you have the courage to be true to yourself.

~Xmichra


Dear Reader,

In my opinion: I think that the girl in question , has made it clear that shes not that into you. Its awful ,& hurts like hell, but I think you need to let her go. Just sayin ...

Blessings & Bliss,

Soulseer

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Living A Lie

Aunt Babz,

My name is Jeremy. I wrote to you a little over a year ago with a best friend problem. You'll be happy to know that we have started to work things out. We're catching up via email, he's being very genuine and answering my questions openly. The titles were "the few, the proud, the real men" and "This is your Life."

This good news isn't the reason I am writing to you once again. This problem is with my wife. First of all, I married my wife knowing she was catholic. I didn't know what religion to claim when we first met, I was mostly agnostic. Someone that doesn't subscribe to a supreme being but leaves the possibility that we're wrong. We were married in a non-denomination wedding, one performed by a judge. Since then I have become an atheist. I won't go into the reasons why, just know that this was partially because of my profession in healthcare. Our daughter was baptized catholic when she was first born, I attended because it was my daughter. I wouldn't promise to raise her catholic or guide her on her path to Christ. I simply went to support my baby.

The problem is: My wife now wants me to marry her in the church.. My reasons for declining are as follows:

We are already legally married.
I don't subscribe to a religion or supreme being of any kind and never will.
I will not make a donation to this church for the ceremony.
I won't promise to raise my children Catholic.
I didn't ask her to change who she was and I will not change who I am by taking false vows in her church.
My family isn't catholic and won't attend, I wouldn't ask them.

Those are the top reasons and I am a very strong-willed man, maybe stubborn. I just cannot take vows in her church without meaning them. I would be a fraud and devalue myself as a man. Still, after all these reasons, my wife still nags me. I have told her I won't repeat this list again. She claims that I won't do it, even to make her happy.. My answer is still unchanged. I guess I'm in a pickle.

This is why I came to you Aunt Babz, I need a push in the right direction. You sure helped me last time. Thank you for everything.

Jeremy R.

Dear J,

Honestly, I have to commend you for taking the moral high ground and not giving in just to be amicable. You have as good a reason to not get married in a catholic environment as your wife surely does for wanting to be married in the church.

Now here’s the kicker. You do want to remain married right? My advice is for the two of you to sit down and have the respect talk. Regardless of what faith you were or weren’t when you two got married, the point is that we all change and grow, and sometimes our religious beliefs change and grow as well. Respecting your partner’s beliefs is a two way street, and I think your wife might be a little confused. I will elaborate.

Some people seem to think that being atheist or agnostic means that you don’t really care if someone else is religious. Some also think that because you have no religion, you wouldn’t mind bending for them because they have beliefs in a religion. It is difficult to explain to a religious person that not having a religion or not wanting a religion is just as valid as wanting one/belonging to one. It is even harder to explain that your lack of belief, and desire to remain “un-devout” is as natural and important as their desire to be devout.

You need to realise that maybe your wife falls into the category of not understanding why you choose not to partake in any religion, the same as you may not understand all the reasons your wife has now chosen to be so faithful.

Bottom line though, if you two cannot come to terms amicably about this I do not think your marriage will last long. Faith, and the un-believer can have a great bond, but if it is not understood and accepted by both parties, there will be animosity. You already know this, given the situations that have presented themselves thus far.

I hope that the two of you do work this out, and are able to respect the differences you both have.

~Xmichra

My Dearest Jeremy,

It's good to hear from you, ol' friend and it's especially pleasant to hear that we may have helped you in the past. It's actually inspiring for you to write us again as this tells me you have placed your trust in us. This is something I do not take lightly, in any way, shape or form. I feel the same way about your question for us too!

I do remember you, fondly. I also remember you having stern values as well as a stubborn streak. Welcome to the Club where I'm not only a card carrying member but the N.Y. Chapter President.

I say all this in utter amusement, of course. At the same time, your situation perplexes me. And it's pretty deep, hotter than a well diggers ass, huh? (I am and will always be, "Rude, Crude & Socially unacceptable, eh?)

All jokes aside, I find myself in complete conflict as to how to counsel you. You see, I have strong feelings of faith, personally. As well, I am a very Spiritual person. I would have to say that I have a rather eclectic belief system founded on my own soul searching, seeking the utmost truth.

A personal awareness or rather an astute observation I have had is that we must, each and every one of us, seek the truth, search for the answers, most certainly, search for a truth based upon our faith. More importantly we must never ever allow ourselves to be led astray, especially coerced off course or shepherded from the truth by man or the Church. Yes, I said that out loud!!!

I am not, having said that, what I would consider religious, I almost despise that word, the connotation of it and quite frankly steer way clear of it. But me and The Big Guy have a very personal relationship (I have His cell phone number, did ya know that?). Thus, this is a bit difficult if not painful question for me.

Looking for counsel myself or rather a guys point of view, I went to my middle son, Bill. His answer rather amazed me...ZOOM. After telling him what your question was he basically sided with you. He stated that, if the tables were turned and you were, lets say, i.e., a practicing Satanist or you believed in Voodoo, unequivocally, would your wife submit to your teachings and raising your children in that religion, per say? Would she also respect your request to marry or renew your vows in the Church of Satan?

Now, I DID NOT even like writing this but in a sense of fair play and good judgment, I maintain that I do believe that she can not expect you, a man of mighty moral fiber and such strong belief systems to begin Living A Lie.

I would suggest possibly using the analogy I presented when explaining this to your wife. She'll have to respect your wishes, values and beliefs by first understanding or rather putting her in your shoes. Yes, it's all a matter of perspective, my friend.

BUT...

by saying all this, I want it clear that I do not condone your beliefs but I do respect them. I'd want you to listen to me concerning raising your children by hearing me out on an all important matter;

God expects parents to raise their children to serve Him. Parents will answer to God for every child He entrusts to their care.

Having said this, the importance in the matter comes to mind that if you are wrong, you will most certainly be held accountable, okay? It is my duty or so I believe to have said this. I do not apologize but humbly state what I feel is rather important.

I am quite assured you have researched all this before you came to your conclusions. I mean, in my mind it is a given that you are quite intellectual therefore you do challenge things as they are.

I want to also say that I too have challenged the norm, especially the Church, concerning my beliefs. I am not religious, as I stated but I aspire to be a good person, a better woman than I have in the past. My past, my persona in the past, well, we'll just say one word; Wretched.

I also have my convictions where my children are concerned. I did not ever want to force my or any "religion" on them or thrust it down their throats as it was done to me. And I have, to this day, many horrid hangups because of the fire and damnation of the Catholic Church. There's a lot of guilt trips in the mass of religion thus I did not ever want this for my own offspring.

At the same time, as I stated before, it is my duty to bring my own children up in the ways of the Lord and I'd done a rather horrendous job for many many years. In the "Book of My Life" the pages I was on for far too long were, unfortunately, to teach them how to get over and to be really good at being bad, just like their Mama. But I am not on that chapter anymore, it's a new dawn, a new day, a new me.

It took me years to arrive at this chapter in my own book and I can not expect you to jump forward or skip chapters in your own personal life/book. I can not preach at you nor will I try to convert you. It's a hot as hell subject, all puns intended.

I will however, pray that the scales may come off of your eyes and that you will have ears to hear. I'll pray that you stand down when it comes to rearing your children, that you will not teach your children that they are utterly alone in this world. I'll pray that you'll not influence them in a manner that may be hurtful.

Your wife has got to be patient and respectful. You two are not *yoked properly, in a religious sense and she'll have to pray and use that faith of hers. In addition, I hope that you'll allow her to bring your children up as Christians.

When they are adults, they too can make their own choices. But I dare say, again, if you are wrong and there are millions upon millions of people, intellectuals, scholars, that would tell you that you are wrong, there will be an accounting.

End of Story...


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


*Yoked; A yoke is a wooden thing that joins two oxen together as they plow a field. In the use of the passage reference, this is on a spiritual realm. If you're marrying a non-Christian, it's a dead ox joined to a live ox, so to speak.

You shall teach [God’s Word] to your children . . . when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. —Deut. 11:19

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