You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don't trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he'll do right by me but I just don't because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?




Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I'll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he'll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn't believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that's what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you've built this wall and they'll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep's clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you're bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin' around. He can't seem to get his act together. There's always one thing or another. He's got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he's doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don't see you being, "In Love," with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won't turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, "Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn't as bad with you by my side." Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, "Hey, I got problems." So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, "let's dance" and you've been sitting so long, you'd finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I'd be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, "OK, here's my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I'll expect you to just run and you won't need me, right?"

If this guy was here right now, I'd just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here's a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don't use YOUR problems against me, then you'll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of... Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there's no "I" in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that's not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can't fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who's an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, "Hey, poop or get off the pot here," tell him, I'm not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it's not me. It's him and he's using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you've been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that's all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it's so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment...

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I'm still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he's not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don't want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don't want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can't really expect too much from him. What's the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it's time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that's it, that's all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he's willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but... not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don't like that feeling, that you can't express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can't express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I'm sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You'd better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn't it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don't get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you'd probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won't be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a "Couple's Relationship"? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can't answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, "his problems" you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don't think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don't have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can't give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he's your dog, he won't run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.

From Smoke to Backdraft

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have serious problems! My cousin just showed me
Life As We Know It and Kelly Osbourne's character is just like me fat but beautiful. When I saw her boyfriend I was thinking "Why can't I get a guy?!" my school is filled with..........morons! And people always make fun of me! I feel so sad thinking about what I'm missing because a lot of my friends have gf's and bf's already but I don't! I feel like a loser all the time because no one likes me. What should I do?

Sad in St.Louis

Dear Sad in St.Louis,

It occurs to me, that this gives me the opportunity to say exactly how I feel about this "Thin vs Fat," thing. It has raged on for too many years and I think it's time for us, as women/young woman to stop allowing it and all the crap that goes with it. I have really thought about this and have made a few observations.
To start, you can look at the women, in pictures, many years ago and you will see happy faces of women, I will call "ample." Back in the day, a man wanted a woman who looked healthy, not some emaciated rail of a girl. All the women, back then, even in to the early 60's looked a little plump and it was perfectly acceptable. What happened?
I can remember the model, by the name of Twiggy, on the cover of magazines. You may not remember her but she was extremely thin, just like Kate Moss. Well, some group of dumb asses, in the fashion world, thought just how wonderful she was. It must have been a group the world respected because it was then that this war on fat began.

I'd like to meet this group and tell 'em just how retarded I think they are and here's a big Bitchslap just for them.

How dare they put American women in such jeopardy? Did they not realize just how sick we'd become trying to emulate these ridiculous Tiny Hinies? To this day, girls are fighting against feeling fat by becoming Anorexic, Bulimic, addicted to drugs, especially Cocaine and Meth. We are even addicted to taking laxatives, just to remain thin and what they perceive as "desirable." I am not telling you anything that I do not know first hand. I would eat and throw up, I did Coke, I took laxatives, all to look good in those tight ass jeans. It's not a good way to live, it's not a good perception of yourself or others and it's a load of bunk.

At 48, I still have to fight this eating disorder and just enjoy a healthy meal without the guilt I felt when I wanted to eat something naughty. What happens though is a delusional outlook on what is the supposed norm as to how a young woman should look. It is a hard habit to break.
Just once, I'd like to get in the face of these men, who came up with this extremely dumb idea of what a woman should look like. We're killing ourselves for that cause and I think it's time to Stop. But, but, but it's got to be the women, who say, "We've had enough of this monstrosity of perception. You will accept us as God intended us to be. No, if ands or Big Butts about it!"
How many women go under the knife to have big boobs and so on, to please who...men? We abuse our feet putting them into pointed toed shoes, wear stiletto heels and end up with bunions. I know, I have them and it was from years of trying to look sexy in my three piece suit or short skirts and heels. But you see, I did this, huh? No one held a gun to my head and said you will be skinny and wear stilettos and an underwire bra so your boobs will look perky? When we fought for equal rights in the workplace, the right to vote and all the crap we insisted on, we walked away without negotiating the “real deal”.

The way it should be, is that a woman can dress sensibly, maintain a reasonable weight and be accepted for who she is and get paid for the job if she can do it. If a woman can't pull a firehouse up the stairs of a burning building, she should not be paid the same wage as the guy who can. But if she can do it or gaff/climb that pole and hang that telephone wire or install fiber optics or whatever, she should be paid for it. But this all comes back to us, as women. We have to begin to insist that we are treated well, accepted as we are and throw these damn delusions right out the window. It starts...one woman at a time.
We can have this if we want it. What will men do, stop marrying us? Man can not survive without woman and vise versa. The world would not stop, if we insist we will not live this way any longer. In fact, we'd all be happier.

This is not about all that but I am laying the ground work for you to begin to look at yourself differently. Life is all perspective, is it not? It is all about how we see each other but more importantly, how we view ourselves. If you look in the mirror and see ugly, that is what you will continue to see and in turn this is how you will carry yourself; as an ugly person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but...how you present yourself, how you carry yourself, how you feel about yourself, will and I repeat will make the impact, good or bad, as to peoples perception of you.

Some people live a charmed life. Some of us have to work at it a little harder. Personally, I had to work on it. My Mom looked like Raquel Welch and my little Sister is beautiful too. I felt like the cold bologna in the middle of that sandwich. I never really felt pretty much less beautiful but I was rather assertive, bordering aggressive. I have always got the guy I wanted and often wondered how I did it? Many men asked me out, many asked for my hand in marriage. How’d I do it?

You have to start by looking in the mirror and asking yourself, really what do you see? If you are honest with yourself, write down what you see, on a physical realm. Then, again look in that mirror and write down what you see about yourself on a personality aspect. Now, you can have a, 100 things on that paper and you can be wrong about yourself a 100 times. Be realistic and look for your good qualities. OK, so maybe you don’t like your eyebrows? Well whatever it is, you do the best with what you have. Fix what you can. Improve the improvable and move on. Let me point out that this is surface stuff and it’s not by any means, the important stuff.

Did you know that Kelly Osbourne wears one of Aunt B’s Bitch Belt’s? Oh yes she does and wears it well, proudly. I am telling you to put one on, right now and then we’ll move to the next part of this.

Kelly Osbourne is not what some people would perceive as a model, now is she? Neither am I and somehow, I believe you are not either. So, what is Kelly’s secret? Is it her money? Maybe? Is it her family? Maybe?

I happen to believe I know Kelly’s secret…She’s Assertive!

Kelly wears that Bitch Belt. She gets up in the morning, as I want you to and she puts it on. Then, she goes out, in style, holds her head up, come what may.

My own Granddaughter, Jessie, is just about a dead ringer for Kelly. She acts just like her and when she walks into a room, people notice her. Why…because she shines. Jessie was so cute when she was little. As she grew up, she was not or rather did not have the best behavior. She was a bully there for a minute, she was into drugs and drinking, she was messing up. She was and is a lot like her Grandma. But now, Jessie wears a Bitch Belt. She treats people like she wants to be treated and will not allow anybody to treat her any less than she deserves to be treated. She insists on it and she will also call you on it, if you are trying to do anything less than what is right.

See, it all starts with your own values and beliefs. You have to believe that you are valuable and you are. You can and will have an impact in this life. How do I know this? I will not tell how but take my word on it, it’s our secret. Furthermore, I want you to begin to keep yourself in check. By this, I mean, that you will begin to be honest with yourself. OK, so you don’t have the perfect figure? So what, what’s the perfect figure, huh? Don’t aspire to be anybody but you and be happy being you. Do the best with what you were given. Keep or hold yourself to a higher standard. Why? Because you are a special young lady, I just feel it. Now, let me remind you that I am not about giving lip service and telling you what I think you want to hear. If I don’t feel it, I just don’t say it. I think you are in that awkward stage between a girl and becoming a woman. A rite of passage is becoming comfortable in your own skin. You will never be anybody but you and why would you want to? You need to be realistic and have an acceptance of yourself and your own self worth. All this will begin that rite of passage. Do the best with what you have, be honest with yourself, don’t take any shit, don’t give any shit, be assertive, communicate and state your needs. But most of all realize your own self worth; this will be the turning point. Darlin’, you are going places, mark my words. If you incorporate all this, people will begin to see you differently and you will shine. See, right now, you are just an ember. The good stuff that is YOU is there but someone or something told you that you are just smoke. What they didn’t realize is that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. That fire has to start somewhere. It will start when you begin to take a stand and accept nothing less than the very best for yourself because you are worth it. This might seem like a bunch of bullshit but I will guarantee, this will work if you are willing to make it second nature within your own psyche. You have to believe it. You don’t know me from a can of paint but I am telling you that I see a powerful young lady, an ember ready to surprise all with a Backdraft!

To answer you the best way I know how, all things will fall into place; boyfriends, friends and life in general, once you read this, put on Aunt B’s Bitch Belt and begin to appreciate yourself for who you really are. You have my guarantee!

Truth Goggles

This was sent to Aunt B via email


I really do not know what to do. I feel like I am losing all of my friends. My friend Bailey is making up lies about me and saying that I told her she can't hang out with my best friend anymore and no one believes me that I didn't say that. I swear over all that I believe in that I would never do something like that. Now I am losing my best friend, a girl that doesn't even talk to me hates me, and all my other friends think I am a b*tch. I desperately need advice on how to get people to believe me. It's not like a lie a lot because I hate liars, but for some reason no one will believe me. Plus, if they "really aren't true friends" then I have nothing else. I really need to know what to do.

~Sarah







Hello Sarah,

People can be so nasty, huh? This is fixable but it starts within you, first!

They are behaving immaturely and you may have to come back with pointing this out. It will make them think about their initial statement and fact that it is in fact; immature? See, any time, you know something or a behavior, comment or statement is hurtful and plain, down right immature, the way to point it out is to simply ask the offending person, "Hey, don't you think you are acting pretty immature?" Now, their initial reaction may not be a pleasant one and they may put up defensive walls, taking a defensive stance. But I guarantee, they will think about it and their own behavior. Nobody likes to be told they're acting like a baby but it will make them question their own actions and behaviors and the validity of the matter at hand. But Sarah, it will be an empty statement if it comes from you and you are not standing with the conviction of truth. Let me explain...

All through your life, you will be met with this type of behavior. This may not be the first time and I am quite sure it will not be the last time, you have to defend yourself from malicious rumor, innuendo or straight out lies. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same moral standards and will lie through their teeth. You will also encounter, those that love to stir the nasty mix. They live for chaos and they get power from making others cringe or back down from them and drama is their middle name. It's hard to understand people like that but this world is full of them. But let me point out something, a key trait in most of these personality types; they usually have their own self-esteem issues. Your classic bully usually has a low self-esteem and uses fear and loathing to make them feel powerful and important. They have a need for validation, they have that need to make you fear them, even if it's only with their words. Of course you'll always have those that are jealous of your friendships and will do what they can to destroy it and make you feel crappy. This may be their motive and reason for acting like buttheads. I want you to rise above it, ok?

Those that matter, aren't mean and those that are mean, don't matter.

You'll have many friends throughout your life. Some will be your very best friends but when friendship is tested by the strain of everyday life, you will soon see who is the true friend and who is not. A true friend is family that you hand pick. True friendship, just like family, has unconditional love for you. They are able to see the good and bad and accept you for you, who you really are. The ones that can not do this really don't mean crap. Were these people, really good friends or just associates, people you know?

First, you must understand true friendship before you can be a good friend, before you will really have a true friend. So, how do you do this?

I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself what do you see? A self-assessment should be done often. If you can do this and always strive to be a better person, you are growing. Don't get me wrong, I do not aspire, personally to be a saint but I do aspire to be a better person. I do not live to hurt people. I do not live to get over on others. I ask myself, "Well, would I want to be my own friend?"
If you answered yes, to your own question, then I want you to start by being your own friend and be honest with yourself; What are your good qualities? Are you loyal? Are you there when a friend needs you? Do you unselfishly give from your heart, your time and attention in a friendship? Do you listen? Are you able to share a friend with another friend or do you get jealous when your friend gives more time and attention to that other friend?

At the beginning of this post, I said, "This is fixable but it starts within you, first!"

It starts with how you perceive yourself and then how you perceive others. You know you were being honest and that is all that matters. If you are pushed in the corner over this again, you hold your head up, tell them that you told the truth but since they want to play stupid childish games, you don't really care what they think. Every morning when you leave your house, you put on your "Truth Goggles" and walk out the door. Those Truth Goggles will enable you to see through the transparent people who try to bully you into feeling bad. You'll see them for what they really are; insecure drama queens. Those goggles will help you see just how bad their self-esteem is so they have to start trouble so they can own "YOUR" power. Take it back, don't let them see you upset in the least by any of this. If you act as if you could care less what they think, they sure can't bother you and they'll see what a waste of time it really is. People that bully are not really mean, they are really mixed up, pretending to be mean. They figured out somewhere along the line that if they act, say or behave a certain way, they will get attention that their normal character wouldn't get. In other words, they are just average Joe, humdrum, insecure people, craving attention. Another maneuver they will try, is exactly what they did to you; they will try to make you look bad, that way people are too busy looking at you and your supposed faults rather than looking at the person who started the whole mess. They are the one who is actually desperate for some form of friendship and she is just trying to make you look bad so she looks good. Put those truth goggles on and see them for the real people they are. Once you begin to see this sort of thing, you begin to take your power back and people will come to the conclusion that they shouldn't waste their time messing with you, it just won't work. You hold your head up and be assertive when they come at you with this lame stuff and you tell them that it's exactly that; LAME! Once you have done this and institute the attitude that you'd rather be friendless for the rest of your entire life than have back biting, back stabbing drama queen immature friends, you just don't need it, you will see the difference. What is the worst thing that can happen out of all this; you find new friends that are real. Don't you back down or feel guilty about this anymore. Stop defending yourself and worrying about these girls who really are not real friends. Do without their friendship for now. They will come around if they are true friends and if they are not, you'll be better off without them to start a bunch of garbage. Now, I know how important friendships can be. But do as I said, be true to yourself first, see people as they really are and take back your power. You will see the Empowerment in this once you begin to see things as they really are. Read this and re-read this till it is ingrained; you are a good friend and you do not have time for anyone who is not able to be a good friend. You do not have time for liars, bullies or drama queens. Be good to yourself and say to yourself; I will not tolerate this anymore. I am a good person, a good friend and I DO NOT NEED their kind of friendship. It's not real friendship and it's surely not real. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter, they don't matter. As soon as you are done reading this...put those Truth Goggles on. Sorry, you'll see they are not rose colored glasses but...
they sure are powerful, huh?