Tough Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

My adult son and his girlfriend have new cars and several pets and have not worked in 3 months and now are on the verge of not having a place to live. they need money now should i give them some? i am on a fixed income and hardly able to make my own payments. should i try to find them money from someone else. they live in a different state so i don't know anyone where they live.

Dear Friend,
I have mixed emotions on this just as you do. Our children own our hearts and it hurts us to see them suffer in any way, doesn't it?

Two wrongs never make a right, do they? What I mean is this; If you give them money, you will also suffer the consequences of it all and they will not feel anything but a cushion from the experience. They might need to learn a few things here, such as living within their means. That means not having Champagne taste on a beer budget. They may need to learn that in a tight situation comes a point where you must lower your standards and do what you have to do to make ends meet. If that entails working at a job that is less than their own expectations, in example, working at McDonald's when they'd rather work at a fine dining restaurant, then sometimes we just gotta do what we just gotta do.
Tough Love

I don't know about you but I've had to learn all these things myself, often times, the hard way. As well, I had to work, "beneath my own standards," to make ends meet and to care for my children as a single mother. My husband died when my kids were little. I really had no marketable skills although in my mind, I was valuable. But if you do not have that paper, you know the one that says you have a degree in this or that, without that paper, you are only valuable in your own mind. Until you prove otherwise. Actually, until you are given the opportunity to prove your value, you must often times start in an entry level job and work your way up the ladder.
Tough Love

I know that you hurt for them. I know that under no uncertain terms do you ever want them to suffer. But it is detrimental to their development to dig themselves out with nothing more than your gentle guidance. Possibly you could give them some ideas as to how to acquire the money themselves but don't do it for them. No, they must walk through their own fire to become forged into productive and learned citizens.
Tough Love

Now, if it comes down to them being kicked out and the very worst case scenario is they have to go to a shelter, it won't kill them. In fact it may spur them on to get out of that situation and to find a job doing whatever it takes to keep themselves in a home, food on the table and provide for their pets.
Tough Love

By you handing them money, you are delaying the inevitable;

I guaran damn tee you. Yes, it is a case of being between a rock and a hard place for you both. And the bare facts are that you can not give them enough money to put a dent in their situation. It will only pull you down as well. Possibly, you can relay that you will send them gas money to get to look for a job in their new cars but you can not do anything more than that.
Tough Love

It is not selfish on your part to not just hand them money, just in case you are toying with that emotion. It would actually be irresponsible for you to just send them money fully knowing that it's only going to cause you to get behind on your own bills. You can't save the world on a fixed income, now can you? You can however use this situation as a teaching tool, as well as to pray for them. Again, I suggest that you give them careful guidance and emotional support.
Tough Love

Speak to them and let it be known that you will ask some questions, simply to guide, not to indict or point the finger. Let it be known that you only want to help not hinder. Ask them why they have not been able to find a job in 3 months? Now, I don't know the situation as to their qualifications and so on but they must look at what placed them in this precarious situation?
Tough Love

I assume that they both had jobs in order to obtain new cars, as well as have an apartment or home of their own right? What caused them to lose that job? What was the behavior that caused this onset of drastic measure? Even more importantly; what have they done to get themselves out of it, since they lost their jobs?
Tough Love

I have a firm belief that people that can't find a job don't want a job badly enough. I have a firm belief that if you want to work badly enough, you'll find a way. I have a firm belief that as soon as a person realizes that help will not find them, they must seek it out and stop sitting on their laurels, in hopes that someone, maybe even you will come along and save them, nothing good will happen. In other words, poop or get off the pot, stop bitching and do something and especially, stop playing the victim.
Tough Love

See my friend, it's called enabling if you just hand them money, especially when it is going to harm you in one way or another. Yes, you will both suffer for the action; they will not learn from it and you will only buffer things for a minute and you will get behind on your affairs. You will actually be doing more harm than good to/for both of you.
Tough Love

My advice to you is to speak with them concerning a game plan. You might possibly suggest that they both find a job, any job before it's too late. You might suggest that they turn in their new cars and get an older one? You might suggest that they could move in with friends or family in their State until they find work. You could suggest calling the Salvation Army or Catholic Charities, in their area for possible resources available. There may not be too many if they are considered capable of working but they might steer them in the right direction. They might even contact their Department of Welfare for such things as emergency Food Stamps and so on.
Tough Love

That last paragraph is actually somewhat of a test. If they tell you, "Oh, we couldn't possibly do any of those things," then they surely have what I commonly refer to as a "Big Feeling Attitude," a BFA. Their Pride will be there own demise. And they most assuredly need to look in the mirror, assess the situation and their lives, dig out and learn from it. Don't cushion the fall; don't enable bad behaviors but most of all "Let Go & Let God." If you are a believer, pray fervently for their safe passage, doors to be opened and life lessons to be learned.
Tough Love


No, life doesn't always deal the cards fairly, does it? Some of us struggle to make it in this world. And some of us have had nothing handed to us. But the very best of the best in this life have had to work hard for everything we have. We sure appreciate the little things as well and take nothing for granted. We came to realize that there is no such thing as a hand out or free lunch. We came to understand that other than God, we are absolutely alone in this world and must fend for ourselves. And just to put it into perspective...what if you were no longer with us, what would they do?

Here, let me answer that for you; they would go out, one or both of them, find the first job they could whether it felt a bit demeaning or not, work hard for that paycheck that will come within two weeks and pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. They would also appreciate that money and begin to live within their means. Yes, it's some hardcore tough love to the 9th power but when the day comes that you are looking down from the heavens, you will know that your son was taught well and will be alright. He'll then pass on these good values and beliefs to your Grandchildren and all will be well.

With age comes wisdom, does it not? I will pray for your calm assurance.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Playing With Fire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt Babz,

So i'm 22 years old and I moved in with my aunt and her boyfriend whom i've known for a long time and consider my uncle pretty much. He also has a 13 year old daughter who at first I thought of as a little sister, but as time went by it became more. I started to become attracted to her. I actually think I'm falling for her kind of. She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!! I mean it's not like twisted or perverted or anything. It's not just physical attraction and I would never try and take advantage but I think she knows I feel this way and SHE takes advantage of it. Always getting real close and stuff like that. I really don't know what I should do. I actually almost get a little jealous of her little boyfriends. I can't go anywhere else to live right now because I don't have the means but this situation is really stressing me out and making me feel guilty and weak and a whole bunch of other stuff. So any advice you could give me would be awesome. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because it's just way too embarrassing.



Dear Friend,

I can see your dilemma perfectly. I can also understand it and your situation. I grew up in the 70's and quite frankly I was what they commonly call a "dick tease." Even at the age of 12, when I lost my virginity, I knew how to use my sexuality. I knew how to swing my hips and bat my eyes to get attention.

Yes, girls her age know how to work it. The problem as I'm sure you are aware is the fact that at that age, they don't realize they're doing something terribly wrong. Life altering wrong. Your life altering wrong.

I'm sure you are also aware of the laws concerning her age. It's a terrible thing to have to be classified as a sexual offender for the rest of your life because some pretty young thing was throwing herself at you and your Johnson has no conscience.

Yes, for the rest of your natural born life, you'd have to register where ever you lived and for the millionth and one time, tell people/employers/friends/girlfriends that you did not rape some girl, you just couldn't control your desires when she threw it in your face. It's no joke and she should scare the living crap out of you.

See, at her age, she thinks she's a woman. She probably has the body of a woman and in your own words,

"She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!!"

This all leads me to believe you've tried to rationalize it all or possibly put it into perspective. You've also considered justifying this whole thing, a premise you'd better be real careful about.

You'd have a long time to wait till she's of age. Now, ask yourself; are you willing to wait? If you don't wait and you follow through with your desires, it could really blow up in your face. The fact still remains though, that although she feels like a woman, looks like a woman and acts like a woman, a woman she is not. Remember this.

I don't think a lot of guys realize it but a girl as young as she is, may think they are mature enough to make a decision such as giving themselves to a man in a sexual situation. But they are not mature enough. They may give themselves freely, in what appears to be a consensual sexual stance. But they are not mature enough.

Most of all, when you are standing in front of the Judge and you exclaim, "Well Your Honor, it was her idea, she consented, in fact, she pursued me," he's still gonna throw the book at you. He's going to look you in the face, right before he sentences you and he states that you were the adult, you were the one who should've known better and you were the one who should've said "NO."

Now, don't think I am condemning you or looking down my nose as I completely understand what's going on here. I do have three sons and just as I'm telling you, I would say the same things to them. I would also kick them in the ass if they followed through with this exact scenario. OK son, let me tell ya a little story of what's gonna happen, if you let this pretty young thing get the best of you. Listen and listen closely, my Dear because what I tell you is gonna happen, if you do not tippy toe around her;

So, you think you've got some hardcore feelings for her. Ain't that sweet? She is cute as hell and built like a woman, a real looker. She's real sweet on you too, ain't that special? Oh, so you say it's not just about the sex, you think she's all that, mature for her age and all. But let me let ya in on a little secret; When she gets you behind closed doors, when the timing is exactly right and she puts the moves on you, yea, she's gonna do the whole seduction scene guaranteed, well son, you'll be the one who's screwed.

If we start at the top, in the first act of this Play we'll call, "Playing With Fire,"we'll simply hope that she doesn't get pregnant. Then, you'll not be able to deny that you slept with her. Nope, there's no getting outa this one, Sweetie. You'll not only be forced into parenthood, long before you're ready(and when would you ever be ready?)but now they're gonna garnish your wages no matter where you try to hide.The money you make will hardly be enough for you to live on much less take care of your new child.

The second act is one where she gets vindictive or she matures enough and flips the script. She sees that you were the adult and you should've known better. She sees it that you took advantage of her. She was just a girl. Now, she's decided to go to the authorities and tell them all about your little love affair. Yep, she'll teach you a lesson and you'll never do that again to any other young thing. And guess what; all these years later, she has the right to report it and you damn skippy, yes, you can and will be charged with a sexual offense.

The third act is my own prediction. My Intuitions tell me that you'll fall head over heels for this girl. You'll do your damnedest to wait but it's a beautiful thing when she offers herself to you. She'll fall in love with you but she's real fickle, temperamental, moody and you'll grow tired of the immature games. You'll want to break up, move on, date a woman. When you break up with her, she's make it clear that she'll tell that you had sex, a good ol case of Statutory Rape and she's gonna use it against you.

You are playing with fire! And you will get burned Darlin'!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hello,

Ok, first of all, you're 22 and she's 13. She's still got a lot of growing to do, even if she is mature for her age. That's just too much of a difference at both of your respective ages. There's plenty of girls your age that you should go for instead. As far as you becoming attracted to her, just be careful, you know? You think of her as kind of your little sister, you wouldn't want to be like that with your sister right? And think about it, if your aunt and her boyfriend were to get married someday, his daughter would be your cousin! You have to be real with her, and if she really is taking advantage, you got to tell her straight up that you can't be together, and you two are basically family. For real, there are plenty of girls out there your age, go for a girl closer to your age. Plus man, I'm not 100% certain, but I believe it's illegal for an over 18 year old to be with someone younger than 18. And by the time she hits 18, you'll be 27, just imagine your differences there. Just curious, but do you have any other aunt's or uncle's you can live with? And hey, if you were to get with a girl closer to your age, then maybe you could live with her, and it won't be as uncomfortable living with your aunt's boyfriend's daughter, because I can definitly understand where that would be an uncomfortable situation for you.

So yeah man, I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that in my opinion, you should definitely stay clear of trying to be in a relationship with her, and find a girl your age, because I definitely think that will get your mind off of her as well, and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she cuddles up to you. I really just can't see where it would be healthy for you two to be together. I mean, she's only 13 and thus really kind of doesn't exactly know what she wants right now either, I'm pretty sure.

So man, I hope I was a little help for you, and I do hope everything works out for you!

mb3

Nip It In the Bud

hello aunt b,

my boyfriend is always getting mad at me he thinks im cheating on him and every time i go out with my family he says that im going out with some other boy and it pains me to hear this cuz i don't want him to think that about me. i need to know if this sounds like he loves me or not?

sincerely,

broken hearted



Dear Broken Hearted,

Nip this behavior in the bud now or forever put up with it. OK, it's like this; he may have been burned in a past relationship? If he has, he needs to be reminded that you are not her. You need to express to him how badly this makes you feel, badly enough for you to write me, huh? If you've done nothing and given him no good reason not to trust you, then he needs to do one of two things; keep his baggage/trust issues to himself or give you at least the chance to prove him wrong.

Again, if you've never done anything to make him suspect, why is he treating you like this? You need to ask him? You also need to explain to him that it is not fair to you to be treated as he has. I warn you that most guys who act that this are very controlling. For him to act all weird even when you are going with your family, well, it's just not normal and he needs to look at his behavior.

Sit down and talk to him and find out exactly why he is so untrustworthy. But you must assert and make it very clear to him that you can not and you will not continue in a relationship where, for no good reason, he treats you as if you've done something wrong.

Now, here's the kicker; if you can not sit him down and talk to him about all this, if you are fearful that it will upset him if you mention it and if you feel that you can not talk to him and get to the bottom and the root of this whole situation...
you do not have a healthy relationship.

You must be able to talk about everything, including what his issues are that make him feel why he does. You must have trust in every relationship. If it is not there and you are being constantly accused, eventually, if it were me, I'd get real tired of defending myself and resentments would build.

Don't go another minute in a relationship and not make your feelings heard. See, trust is something we give as a gift to those we love. We trust them to love us, to be mindful of our feelings and emotions, we trust them to treat us as they'd want to be treated. We must give this gift freely and where there is no trust there in lies chaos, paranoia and pain.

Love and trust go hand in hand. You make sure you give him no reason to not trust you, like don't be flirtatious and don't place yourself in any situation that you would not want him to be in as well, i.e., going to a party or the beach, you know, any place you wouldn't want him to go without you.

If you go out with your family and you are doing nothing wrong, he's being weird and it's not right. Nip it in the bud!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


Hi Broken Hearted,

Your boyfriend gets mad at you because he thinks your cheating on him when you're not? Well he shouldn't be doing that, he definitely needs to learn to trust you. You should tell him he needs to learn to trust you. Honestly, I can't tell you if that sounds like he loves you or not. I don't know enough to say whether or not he loves you. He really shouldn't get mad at you based on what he thinks, especially because he's incorrect with what he thinks. I don't like that he gets mad at you over that though. I will tell you, to me it does not sound like he does not love you, it just sounds more like he has trust issues that he should work on. But I think that he just needs to learn to trust you, and not get mad, and you'll be good!

I hope I have helped you out, a little bit at least. I hope it all works out for you for the best.

mb3