No More Nagging!!!

Dear Aunt B,

My ex cheated on me & fell out of love with me & didnt tell me till 4 months after. Its effected my relationship now. We've been on & off for nearly 2 years & its all because im so insecure when hes not around me. Hes moved from one place to another because he just cant seem to settle, but now hes settled in scotland (12 hours away from me) hes getting into the police force up there & my daughter & i are wanting to go with him when the training starts as we know then we'll be stable but i just cant seem to stop myself being insecure. Its causing arguments & its ruining our relationship. I do love him & i know he loves me but i cant get rid of the insecurities. I know he talks to girls & i know they're all just friends but its purely cause he gets on better with girls. I sometimes feel like im just a burden on him but the problems go away when im around him & i want to be able to be calm & happy without worrying if he'll cheat when hes not around me! What can i do to help myself get rid of this thing thats killing my mind?

Emma x


Dear Emma x,

My first thought is to tell you to "Let Go and Let God."Just a reminder, okay?

An insecure woman can choke the very life out of a man that, for all intent and purpose is not cheating. And we've got to get you over all this baggage, which of course you are carrying from your prior relationship.

Now look, I've been in your high heels before. I've been burned, fooled around on and know exactly how it feels. It actually made me insane, well, more insane than usual, lol! Those of us who love with such great abandon, fervor and passion, I do believe hurt more deeply when a partner strays.

It is most assuredly the ultimate betrayal, at least in my opinion, when you've invested your heart only to have it stomped on. It makes it extremely hard to focus on anything but the indiscretion not to mention all the mixed emotions and questions you ask of yourself, in example;

• What did I do to deserve this?
• What did I do wrong?
• What could I have done to stop it?
• Is it because I don't turn him on?
• Am I ugly/fat/gross/undeserving/undesirable/not sexy?

Oddly enough, in most situations, all of those questions are absurdly not warranted and basically have nothing to do with the actual crux of the matter. They sure as hell have nothing to do with you and are a personal issue that the man is dealing with. But it's usually a given, if we're willing to admit it, that we have asked ourselves those very questions.


It's been documented that (don't quote me on this) the average man thinks about sex in one form or another every 90 seconds. They're hardwired differently than we are, obviously. (I asked my three sons if they felt this was a valid statement and they agreed that it was) So, the moral of the story is that the faithful man is one that does not act on his urges and is not impulsive.

The Crux

When we get right down to it though, the men that do fool around on a woman they say they love and adore, it's most often because they have self-esteem issues themselves. And what happens is that trollop/whore/slut/good for nothin'/low down dirty dog filled a void, your ex man had. Yes, believe it or not it really has nothing to do with you (and I'm betting on this as I happen to know that are very attractive)

In any relationship, up to and including yours, TRUST is the main gazane . It's a must and if you don't have it, well G-Friend, it creates havoc and chaos in an otherwise good and possibly healthy relationship. I imagine that you already know this...so what to do?

Your trust factor is burned out and you must explain this. At the same time, you'll also have to become aware of your torturous tactics, those which you are punishing your man with, currently. It's not fair to portray your insecurities upon him unless he has done something to make you feel this way. I think you are well aware of this and want to fix it, evidently or you'd have not written me in the first place, eh?

Perspective

Life is, truly, all about perspective. It's all about how we view ourselves as well as others. It's all about our Nouns; persons, places and things, is it not? Yes, you'll have to begin to put things in order, put them back into a healthy perspective. And it begins with trust.

As I said at the start, sometimes you have to let go and let God. It never ever hurts to pray for/about things we have no control over. No, you can't be with your man 24/7 and you can't watch his every move. And if the truth were known, you'll make yourself crazy if you do not stop this way of thinking.

You'll have to begin to show trust and this will only come from a mind state, a realization that even the *Bible tells of the woe and sorrow brought on by a nagging wife. Hush before speaking, think before saying, shut up before accusing.

Furthermore, begin your day, begin this new you, a new regimen;

Sit up, on the edge of your bed and say the word, "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

From: The Silent Scream
You were hurt deeply by your ex, NOT your current partner! Cut him a break. Begin anew and start out fresh. No More Nagging!!!

Let me state something before I end this letter; **"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." What I'm implying or referring to is your statement that he gets along better with females. No Ma'am, I don't like it and it's a recipe for disaster. It's is and always will be a really really bad idea. And you can tell him I said so!

It's all fine and dandy to be cordial with the lady friends but anything more than that when he's in a relationship is playing with fire.

If he doesn't agree, then I want to know one thing; **Is it okay for you to have male friends??? I'm betting my ass that he'll say that he doesn't mind but the very minute one of your so called friends were to text you or call on the telly, he's going to go ballistic.

Start over fresh when you go to be with your Policeman. Have a new mind set which is something you'll have to work on. Have your wonderful man read this. I don't know you and you don't know me. This means no harm, no foul as it's not like airing your dirty laundry in public for all to see. What it does mean is that you care enough to seek counsel, you care enough to work on your own emotional baggage. Oh and leave that bag at the Train Station on your way Scotland!!!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Proverbs 21:9
<<> | Proverbs 21 | Proverbs 22 >>

9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

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Update: Hour Glass Figure??? Is She Slap Happy?

Editor's Note; When we answer your letters, most times we'll send you the link to your answer in an email. At that time we'll offer you the opportunity to give us feedback. This is that feedback with an additional question. It is from the letter

Hour Glass Figure???

Dear Aunt Babz,

You are truly a class act! Thanks so much for your very thorough and thoughtful reply. You have much wisdom to offer. I hope you are over the flu.

Yes, you were right about the slap. Though in all honesty, it was more embarrassing than painful. And I dunno, it was kinda sexy in a retro sorta way....or maybe I'm just a sicko, lol

I guess still feel conflicted about the whole incident. She really seemed like a sweet, classy woman so I do feel badly that I upset her. Her parents emigrated here from the Philippines and she seemed to have very traditional values and was passionate about teaching.

I do have her email address. Think I should send her an apology note? Maybe even try for a coffee date?


Kevin



Dear Kevin,

We really appreciated hearing from you, especially the complimentals. I'm also grateful for your kind concern over this Flu. I am slow but steady now as before I was slow and slurpy, can you say eeeew?

Well, let's get down to business...

A lot is explained in the fact that your lady friend is Filipino.I know a thing or two when it comes to the stringent values and beliefs shared by the Filipino's as our family Nanny, Clara Del Mar, was from the Philippine's. She helped raise my brothers and lil' sister as well as minded after my own when they were little. Clara was more than a Nanny though, she was family.

Yes, that statement alone explicates the scenario, especially the slap happy part. Your gal pal comes from, as you stated, "very traditional values," a world still set apart. There's a lot of history, you may enjoy learning, if you've not already about the Philippine's and the Americanization thereof.

I find it intriguing that you'd still want to play out another scene from an old movie. I don't know is a Casablanca Complex(another fine Babzizm)? Is it the thrill of the kill, so to speak, you know to conquer and tame the unbridled fury of a fine Filipino woman?

Back to your question...I have a tad bit of mixed emotions on this, to be honest. It may be a loyalty, my protective nature. At the same time, I'll tell you what I'd tell all my own boys;

"Live on the edge just like Mama. Hell, I'm such a Rebel, I refuse to rewind any of my DVD's before I take them back to Blockbuster."

So my Darling Kevin, I give my blessings and advise you to possibly write her an email. I would first point out that you realize how impersonal it is to send an email but you just can't continue having this "unsettling issue" on your mind or something along those lines. Tell her that you never intended to offend her and in your mind it was the highest compliment you could have ever imparted!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Interesting Reading:

Do Women Still Slap Men?

Why is it OK to show women slapping men as "comedy?"

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

Only For A Season

Aunt B apologizes emphatically for the long delay in answering your questions. I've had the Flu and have been quite consumed by it.


Hey Aunt B!

I have alot going on right now and its a bit hard to describe (and maybe a bit confusing) so ill start from the very beginning. I met a guy when i was a freashmen in high school and we have been best friends ever since. i couldnt live without him. Sometimes i think that Deejay knows more about me then i do myself lol. at that time i was in an phisical and emotional abusive relationship. this guy i was with constantly put me down and pushed me to the point where my self-confidence was 0. This realtionship went on for only 9 months...but yet did more damage then i could ever imagene. so when i broke it off with him, i went downhill. i started smoking and cutting and on the edge of suiside. Deejay had no idea about any of this of he wouldve killed me lol. anyway...im getting off track. me and Deejay were best friends for about 2 years and we both relised we wanted to be more. i relised i loved him twards the end of my sophmore year...and so did he. i was 16 and he was19. Everything was great at first. my parents wernt overly excited or anything but they were ok. they said hi when he came over just as usual and when they found out we were dating they didnt seem to care. i stopped cutting and was off the edge for suside. deejay worked with me to get through it and i did. everything seemed perfect. then my parents found out i was smoking. they put everything on him saying that he was a bad influence. and he is the reason i smoked. so we wernt allowed to see each other anymore. this is when everything started happening.

yes. so i went behind my mom and dads back. i lied to them and told them i was going to the store and go see him and i went through a really rebellious stage. there was so much going on between me and my parents i swore they hated me and they were so ignorant and i never took the time to think why they were saying these things. me and my mom never really had a good relationship before this but the situations didnt help. we wouldnt just fight over deejay, it was everything. some fights even got physical. i just couldnt take it anymore. i was so unhappy. so i started to plan to move out. the legal age in MO is 17. so i was planning on my 17th B-day to move out and live with him and his family. his family agreed. my parents went through my phone and found out i was planning this. so we sat down and had a talk. they told me i was no longer there child and i was just a person renting from there house. so basicly i could do whatever i want. but there was still fighting. eventually i got kicked out then called the cops on them to give me my things. i left and lived with deejay.i ended up going to school on and off and got pregnant. now im 18 now and he is 20. i now relise that all the lies i told to my parents and everything was wrong. and the fight me and my mom had couldve been avoided...she relises this too. i moved back in with my parents when i was 16 weeks due to a threatened miscarrige. i would have no way to the hospital otherwise. me and my mom have been best friends like mother and daughter should be. but anywho. i grew up alot, basicly because of me getting pregnant i had to grow up. anyway, im still pregnant im actually 40 weeks and my baby is 3 days past due. hopfully he comes soon! it sux. deejay found out his family had to move. my mom and deejay seemed like they were working out and deejay was really happy about this. so my mom actually asked deejay if he wanted to live with us. i was the one that said no. you see, his dad and me had a talk (this is where i lose complete respect for his father) he found out about the offer. so what he did is he made up this HUGE lie on how deejay had a job waiting in california that was able to get him a transfer back to MO. since deejaty was working only as a temp at his job at that time that sounded good. he also said how they finally had a car to give him and to use (his brothers old car cause he was apparently getting a new one) to go get his license finally and that he can just drive back out to MO and then he has a car to get around and to use to get the license registerd for MO. So, that sounded pretty good. Deejay would go to California and earn some money his pay would apparenty be very good so when he tarnsferred to MO in october that he would have enough money and a constant job to suport me and the baby and get an apartment. So i told my mom no. big mistake. now he is out in california with no job, no car, in the middle of the freakin dessert with 2 stores in walking distance and is sleeping on the living room floor in a 2 bedroom apartment. he was lucky enough to convince his uncle to fly back. he comesd back on the 19th of october.

NOW TO WHAT I NEED ADVICE ON:

when deejay left, me and my mom got closer. she never really said anything about him but occasionally she would bash him and say how he is nothing but a peice of white trast and he will never be anything and all that stuff she would say before.i ignored it. in my last 2or 3 months of pregnancy she pulls all this stuff out of her ass and starts saying how im not allowed to let deejay see the baby and he isnt a father hes a sperm donar. and how im not alloowed to take the baby outside and i cant do this with baby and he isnt allowed to come near the house. she even got a restraining rder against him for the house to make sure he doesnt see the baby. she says that he has no right to see him. she just sits there and crys how can i be so stupid and put my baby in danger. and how im going to mess him up if i let him see deejay. i dont get it. i dont know what to do. the reason deejay is coming out so late is because i convinced him to. i purposly did it so he would miss the birth. what kind of a person does that to the father of there child. deejay would do anything for this baby and i wont even let him se the birth. i did this to make my mom happy because she didnt want him there. i dont know what to do. i try to make deejay happy but then it hurts my mom and i dissapoint her more. i try to maKE my mom happy and i treat deejay like crap and that makes me feel like crap. i honestly am lost. am i supposed to pick sides? or am i supposd to choose who i want to hurt more? what do i do with the baby? i dont know is all i can say when i talk about this. i just dont know what to do. she tells me im not going to be a good mom and it makes me feel like i dont deserve to have this baby and i dhould give him up to be with a mother who actuallly knows what she is doing. im just feel so sick and tierd of feeling sick and tierd. its like i cant even make simple disisions anymore. and the thing with me and deejay? he asked me to marry him when he comes back. a girl is supposed to be happy. but im not. im not having a wedding until this gets straightend out. and you know what? he repects my dicidion even though it hurts him. he is a good guy. i just love them both just 2 different loves.what should i do with my bf and my mom??


plz respond back soon

~SARAH~



Dear Sarah,

Remember these words, "It is only for a season." These words came to me, to give to you. It means your situation is not forever and things are going to change.

I realize you are between a rock and a hard place, an especially bad scenario when you are pregnant. By now because of the delay in me answering you, I imagine you've had this baby. And things are going to change, I can already see it.

This lil' one will change you, change your Mom as well as Deejay...all for the better. In fact, I believe this so very much that I am going to answer this as if I already know those changes have come into place.

As I said, I'm envisioning you as having had your baby and the variables have changed. My suggestion to you is to realize that you are no longer a girl but a woman. You must always have respect for your Mother, always.

At the same time, she has got to come to the conclusion now, that you are no longer a little girl but the mother of a newborn, a woman and she should, should being the consummate word, treat you with the same respect she would expect. It's always a two-way street once you've become an adult anyway when it comes to the respect factor.

Ah yes, young love. Mom's been there, done that. So, you'd think she'd remember what it was like. She should also remember what it's like to be a new mother. Just as well, young women, these new mothers, across the world are doing this every day, at any given moment in time. In other words, it's not a novel approach or situation and the children do and can grow up to be model citizens.

At the same time, strife within the family structure and especially dissension between you two is the worst thing you can expose your child to. Sooooooo, what I'm getting at is the subject should be broached in a rational manner that you want to please your mother, keep yourselves on a positive path as well as making it clear that having her support is paramount to this situation. It's time for maturity to be part of the master plan here.

My suggestion to you is to print out this letter/answer and give it to Mom. Along with a letter of truce, stating that you want her in your life, need her especially for her grand-baby's sake and you pray that all will be well between the two of you. After all, we don't all live forever and a girl needs her Mama, not to mention that it's so very important for family to surround a baby.

In this letter of truce, you tell her that her blessings are important to you or you'd not have even written to me. This is self-evident but should simply be pointed out, in my humble opinion. The blessings I am speaking about are for her to try to understand that you love Deejay, not to mention that every child needs their Daddy. Ask for her blessings and understanding that sometimes we must let go and let God, let go of our children and pray for their safe passage in this life.

Another thing that is self -evident to me is the fact that you do tend to learn your lessons the hard way (just like your good ol' Aunt B) but you garner wisdom from those trials and tribulations and your err in judgment. This causes them to no longer be mistakes but "learning experiences."

The reasoning behind pointing this out to you is there's a healthy realization that you have where your Mother and your relationship with her is concerned. You are able to appreciate her and you should tell her so. In addition to this, simply spelling out your feelings is so extremely important for you.

At this juncture, I happen to know you could probably get State aid of some sort to help you as well as your baby, where housing is concerned. Then you could pursue things on your own accord. Think about that. In the interim, listen to these words;

You are a woman now. Speak to your Mother respectfully; woman to woman. And again, if it is easier for you to say all that needs to be said to plead your case and to make your point do it by writing that letter of truce.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Reading;

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

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Hour Glass Figure???

Aunt B apologizes emphatically for the long delay in answering your questions. I've had the Flu and have been quite consumed by it.


Dear Aunt B,

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Lol.. i feel for you, I really do.. but I’d listen to your friends advice for sure.

Women are very self conscious about their bodies (men are too, but I am only talking about women for now) and any comment could make a woman who was normally very calm and strong into a basket case if they perceive things incorrectly.

I can’t tell you *why* that is, but it is. I was reading your question, and I was thinking in the back of my head “oh dude, NO!” when you wrote your comment on the hour glass shape. And yes, the remark of “healthy” likely set her into rage...lol... and all I can say is we have all heard the PC way to comment on a person’s shape, and those two are used a lot to describe larger women..lol... so your perception and her perception were very very different.

Typically sticking to comments like “you look beautiful” or complimenting something non-threatening like a smile or an outfit (that dress looks amazing on you, not your shape looks good in that dress!) is better than commenting on factual specification of shape.

There really wasn’t anything *wrong* with what you said, but I’d stick to the regular form of compliments.... at least until you have known a woman for more than an evening .

Good luck, I hope there are less red cheeks in your future ;)

~Xmichra

Dear Kevin,

Personally, I see nothing wrong with your compliment. In fact, I even looked it up in an effort to possibly understand why your gal pal might have taken offense. And from everything that I have read, it (your statement of her having an hour glass figure) can be considered the epitome of beauty to some women who were even asking how to get it. I don't quite understand where she may have taken offense.

It occurs to me that there in lies the answer; She "CHOSE" to take offense. But in giving the benefit of the doubt, it's possible too that maybe she does not know the meaning or the true context of the compliment.

So, I take your side on this one. However, I would hope that you'd steer clear from making any sort of comments in the future. It's just not necessary. I mean, let's say you want to convey that she's pleasing to the eye. And let's just say, you know, just for shitz-n-gigglez that you tell her that she is "Robust." Well, the word robust is defined;

adj.

1. Full of health and strength; vigorous.
2. Powerfully built; sturdy. See synonyms at healthy.
3. Requiring or suited to physical strength or endurance: robust labor.
4. Rough or crude; boisterous: a robust tale.
5. Marked by richness and fullness; full-bodied: a robust wine.

While someone such as myself would not take offense by being called this, another woman may feel that you are implying that she's built like a brick shit house, for better terms. And it all boils down to the fact that we as women have real hang-ups about our weight. Obviously your friend has these hang-ups and nothing you could say would be interpreted as anything but an attack.

It's almost humorous, isn't it? I mean, you told her she looks healthy, right? And she may have processed that as healthy like an ox, huh? Her comment to the effect of, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” says I'm right about that. So, I'd say there would have been no recovering from that no matter what you'd said to try to appease her and the situation.

Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell About It Later..

The thing that spoke to me and really really got under my skin was her Scarlett O'Hara moment when she slapped you. WTF is that???

In this day and age, women have fought tooth and nail for equality in every aspect of our lives. In our quest for this elusive equalness we often times send out mixed emotions, mixed signals as well. In example, the chivalrous act of opening a door for your date can, for some be a patronizing affair. Some women love it, expect it and want nothing less. Others however, may not be so "old school" and may take offense.

In other words, I do feel for the modern man today as he doesn't know whether to shit or go blind. He doesn't know what's acceptable and what's not when it comes to those moments when chivalry might be due.

Long story short; I've stated to all my boys that they are to never ever lay their hands on a woman and if they did/do, they've known for years that I'm coming for them.

But But But...I've also stated to them, my sons (and I may get some real heat from this commentary) that if a women steps up to bat, steps up to them and strikes them like a man would, they have every right in the world to put her on her lil' ass!

Now, I do not encourage my boys to hurt women, allow me to make that perfectly clear. But in the event that a women wants to punch you in the face as did in fact happen with my youngest son and his wife at the time, I have no problem with him, as I said, putting her on her ass.

I also told my sons that if a woman wants to treat you like a punk, wants to step up and slap you, you have my permission to slap her back. And she'll think twice before she smacks you again. Am I right or wrong in thinking this?

Having said this, I do not condone violence between couples but it is got to be made clear that if you hit a man, you'd better expect that you just might be put in your place.

The days are long gone when a woman can act offended and strike the man. They left at the same time as we made it clear we wanted to be treated as equals. Maybe your gal pal didn't get the memo?

So, when it's all said and done, I commend you for keeping your cool. Allow me to point out that this woman is not worth the time of day and certainly not worth your worrying about her feelings.

Yes, as far as I'm concerned, she did you a big favor by setting the standards from the get go. You didn't waste any time playing games or dealing with some chick with super hang-ups, screwed up rules and regulations and mixed emotions, to say the very least.

As I said, "live, learn & laugh like hell about it later!"

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

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