Play House

Dear Aunt B,

I am 28 with 2 young girls, a 2 and 3 year old! I married my high school sweet heart when I was 20. We seperated in August because we were both living seperate lives and had cheated on eachother... UGH! I met a wonderful man since then that is great with my girls and is awesome to me. We are engaged to be married in September!!! The dress is bought, the flowers, the reception hall... everything! But my divorce isn't supposed to be final until June. The problem is... my ex wants me back really bad and exclames that he is a changed person... and he wants to raise our girls together... The "new guy" does have some habits and lifestyles that I find quite repulsive... but nothing I can't get over... he is a great guy...
I would really love to raise my girls with their daddy that I really do still love and have feelings for but don't know if I can risk being hurt again and losing a wonderful guy like the "new guy"
HELP!!!!

Dear Reader,

Okay. You definitely need to break up with your current guy, because you are *clearly* in love with your ex, and it is not fair for you to do this to him, to yourself or to your kids.

I know that you are scared of making a poor choice... but the worst thing you could do is get married when you do not love someone. Add to that your love of another and you are walking into disaster.

You need to be on your own for awhile to figure out where your heart is. “The new guy”, if he is as great as you make him sound, deserves to be loved wholly, not because he appears to be a better choice. And YOU deserve the same!

I honestly don’t know what else to say here. If you ignore this, I am positive things will get really bad, really quick, and there will be a lot of hurt people.

I wish you the courage to follow your heart.

~Xmichra.

Dear Reader,

I have to warn you; I shoot from the hip and I will tell you what and how I feel, OK?

Somehow I have the distinct feeling that you are in such need and willing to "play house" that you stand to lose all in the end. Now mind you, this is not abnormal especially when women have been programmed for all eternity to marry and be the good lil wifey, etc. etc. and as I mentioned before, "play house."

My concern is that you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire by over looking and I quote, "repulsive" behavior. That's a pretty harsh word to over look much less the behavior that might accompany it. And I am simply stating the obvious.

My advice to you is to slow down for just a hot minute. I don't care if you have bought the dress, paid for this and that, so on and so forth, a fine example of why you should never put a price on happiness.

I'd truly like you to re-evaluate your stance in all this and really ask yourself, one important question; For real, who are you truly in love with or are you settling for something, someone, anything, anyone? What is your hurry, that is the next question?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

We Are All Human

Dear Aunt Babz,

Kind Greetings

Thank you so much for your concern, I’m the one who’s sorry now for being that late in replying, but I don’t open this e-mail often.. I mean I opened it every day after I sent you but then I stopped,, and things were going fine so…

Actually It’s funny I saw this now because I just saw him five minutes ago!

You see, all this time I was struggling with myself trying to forget him without a real progress until only recently, I found my way out! It was my motherhood, I used it as a shelter, you know like I defied myself as my children’s mother, I’m there’s and only there’s! And right away I started to get my life back and go through a whole day without thinking of him, his image started to leave my head and I started to gain peace again.

But then he showed up today, wanted to get something from me that he forgot before he left work, and once he looked at me with those sad eyes I don’t know what happened!!

Why exactly did he come?! And why did he look at me this way?! What is he trying to do or to approve?! That I can’t get over him?!

You know what? We actually talked several days ago but I was perfect, I told him that he’s like a son to me and that I wish him all the best, he seemed so disappointed but still I was so proud of myself because I really felt this way, I was so strong and didn’t feel any thing, I saw everything clearly, actually I could have been his mother you know? I mean 12 whole years?! What was I thinking? What was HE thinking?!?!

But today, I don’t know, maybe I’m just fragile because I’m having my period today? Just hormonal thing?! But what if it’s not?! It took me so long to get rid of this spell, I don’t want to get through all that again.

Please tell me what you think of all this,, please tell me something, help me not to fall again in the same well!

Best regards,
Lady

Dear Lady Morning,

It sounds to me that you were missing your husband, and this fellow reminded you of when your husband was so in love with you. It sounds as though you really just wanted your husbands love back, and realized it when you went to him telling him that he was losing you, from his actions, and you didn’t want that.

Honestly, I think you did a great thing, talking to your husband and telling him your fears and needs, and you did it before it was too late. you recognized the problem was missing your husband, and you did it before you did something you couldn’t erase (like cheating).

I don’t think he is trying to bait you. I think he’s wondering what happened. Infatuations are difficult to get over, and this guy probably is wondering what he did wrong, to turn you away. He probably doesn’t understand that you were “seeing” your husband in him, and not really him... and that will likely hurt him for awhile. Hopefully the situation turns him away from lusting after married women in the future, this is a tough lesson to learn. But I think he will see what happened when he gets a little older/mature/experience to understand.

We are all human, and we are fallible. But in the face of adversity, you persevered and you did the right thing. At least I think so.

I hope you and your husband maintain your communication and can regain that love which bonded you in the first place.

~Xmichra.

Doors of Communication

Dear Reader's,

As of late, I've found myself visiting the blogs of people, I don't really know on the sidebars of some regulars I read. A lot of these blogs are about being the parent of a drug addict. So very sad.

And it occurred to me that God has blessed me with really being the only F***-Up in the family. What I mean by this is that while my daughter struggles with an addiction to Soma, my three sons really do not practice, note that word, "Practice" current and/or hard core drug use.

There's no pat on the back for this because they watched as I shot up Heroin, drank whiskey shots like a seasoned Sailor and basically lived a life of every day crime.

Yea, I used to kid, "A Crime a day, keeps the Doctor away," meaning I wouldn't be dope sick if I committed some crime, scam, scheme, whatever it took to get my bundle of Heroin. And you can bet your ass, before I started doing heroin and was taking massive quantities of pills/opiates, I stole or wrote/forged Prescriptions for years to facilitate my habits as well as my husbands. I'm certainly not proud of this and as I write it, I could just puke.

If I'd tell you some of the rotten awful things I did, you'd probably say, "OMG Babz, you did not?" But I did and the past person I was, is a different person. I even changed my name from Barbara to Babz cause I'm not "her/Barb" anymore.

It saddens me though when I read some of the pain this Drug War has caused. And that's exactly what it is, an all out War on and against, especially the juvenescence of today. This shit is taking your children hostage and promises to kill, harm or maim them for life. And of course, your life will never be the same.

First let me say that I don't claim to know it all, hell I'm just recently beginning to realize this and am hell bent for leather to learn all sorts of sordid details. Not really, actually I want to know and learn, sew and say all the best I can in the time allotted me, left on this earth. I have a whole butt load of Karma, the good one, I need to replenish and give back. And I know Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ on a first name basis. I met her in Prison...

As I stood on that bridge, (another story in itself), ready to jump into the icy waters below. Here I was out, in the middle of a blizzard, no one on the roads, on the hunt for dope. I scored one bag but couldn't do it because I had to walk home first and share that one bag with my SOB husband who divided it, giving him the bigger portion. It was barely enough to even get myself right much less the two of us.

Dope sick, barely able to stand, I threw my leg over the bridge railing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights. This storm was so bad even the natives were nestled in, all except for me and this one man in his car. I remember being pissed, thinking, "WTF???," as I put my leg back down. He slowed down, just as he came upon me. His passenger side window was down, the street lamp illuminating his face.

Now, I don't know if you believe in Angels or not but I sure do...NOW! This old white haired man, scraggly and I even think he was missing some teeth, smiled so warmly, the smile actually embraced me. I can't explain it. I fell on my knees in the snow. There was a "Silent Scream" only heaven could hear. My tears almost froze to my face as I begged God for forgiveness. I also begged Him to help me, "Please God, I can't do this anymore, please help me?"

I didn't even say what it was that I needed help with but He knew. I'd tried to get help at the Hospital and for one, they told me I wasn't sick enough to be admitted to the Hospital. Secondly, they said that both my husband and myself could not be admitted at the same time to the same Rehab. The intake evaluator guy was a real dick and offered no solution.

Neither one of us would dare leave the other out to fend for ourselves, especially considering I was my husbands meal ticket, I did all the dirty work which, to this day he readily admits. But they had shot us down anyway, as I said stating that we weren't sick enough. I remember thinking how much I hated that guy just about the same time as I fell off the curb, cracking my head open on the bumper of a taxi cab (which I couldn't even afford to take at the time and had to walk) because I was so weak I could hardly stand.

The Gift???

Well, it wasn't all shiny or wrapped up in a big Pink or Red Bow. And it sure as hell wasn't pretty. But God gave me a wonderful gift...He threw me, lock, stock and barrel, right into jail and then onto to my 2 1/2 to 5 year State Prison venture. It took some time for me to realize "The Gift." It took a hot minute before I wasn't so pissed off that I could spit nails. It took even longer for me to come to a realization that God had saved my life by throwing my sorry butt into Prison.

Bitter or Blessed???

Yes, good ol' Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ gave me time to think and think and think. I'd been sentenced up to 5 years of my life for something I didn't do, I just couldn't prove it from where I was sitting. That's a whole other story in itself but suffice it to say, I WAS GUILTY just not for the exact crime listed on the Indictment!

I'd done so many awful, God forsaken things, I deserved to be exactly where I was, I actually deserved Life. But how does one garner wisdom amongst the best criminals, insanest, meanest, nastiest people this world has to offer? You study them and yourself, which is exactly what I did. I turned the whole experience around, flipped the script and did everything I could to learn from it.

I took special notes concerning the fact that most of the inmates were there because of drugs, drinking, drug sales. I studied them, their behavior and I listened intently to what they had to say. As well, I was given the opportunity to go into a six month In-House Rehab Program called New Beginnings, while I was incarcerated. You are pretty much sequestered during this extremely strict program. I worked that bitch like my life depended on it, (which it actually did)all the while going through intense Interferon Treatment for Hep C.

So by going to prison, I broke the chain of heroin abuse, I broke the chain of domestic abuse that I'd endured for more than a decade and I think I broke the chain of events that led up to and facilitated a lot of my killing my self slowly behaviors. I even think I may have learned to like myself again. And it was all a Blessing, big time.

Again, it took a while to understand the mechanics of it all but I realize that most people that go in to prison come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. Unfortunately, the majority come out real angry for having their lives disrupted and they're surely not remorseful. In fact most are mad because they were caught.

For me, it was a time to stop and reflect, to learn and gain knowledge about myself as well as others; what makes them tick, what causes them to behave as they do and why do they continue in the same vein of unhappy addictions and addictive behaviors. These are all seen, in my eyes, as gifts.

I was also given a gift in the capacity to remember everything about how I felt and why I did things, especially concerning my teen years. I recall, collectively, what spurred me on to drugs-n-drinking. I now have the resounding collection of "Do Not's" squarely fixed in my mind. If I was told;

Do Not Do Drugs
Do Not Drink
Do Not Have Sex
Do Not Share A Needle
Do Not Drink-n-Drive
Do Not Play With Guns
Do Not Go W/O Your Seat Belt...

I did it...and got addicted, got pregnant, got Hep C and on and frigin' on.


Yes, it's a gift that I can remember all this and have not burned out all my brain cells. I was in a really bad car accident(I was hit by two cars, drag racing, one head-on) when I was just 18. I had massive head trauma from going through the windshield. I was hurt badly enough they were going to put me in a Nursing Home. Besides the injuries that were visible, I had a terrible problem with short term memory loss.

My long term memory was not affected and I can even remember playing in my crib, climbing out and finding a bottle under my crib that was sour. I can also remember going for long walks with my Mom, in the stroller. To tide me over, my Mom would put chocolaty "*Metracal" in my bottle. It was a popular a diet drink back in the early sixties. The thing is, my Mom, who proudly exclaimed she followed the orders of "Dr. Spock" had me off the bottle by 18 months old. This means that I have memories of and before I was 18 months old.

The point is that, painful as it might be, I remember how I felt about things, especially as a teen. I mean, I can remember how hurt I was by the comments of boys like when they called me "Boobie Barbara" in 6th grade. As well I distinctly remember how I felt that I could not go to my Mom and Dad to talk about my personal problems and complexes, notable to a teen with such low self-esteem as I had. I felt fat and ugly, fueled by comments innocently spewed(I hope?) by my own Mother.

I was certainly not able to talk about sex and such. They were either too busy chasing the American Dream or had too many hang-ups themselves about personal issues. My own Mom was mean, hateful and beat the livin' shit out of me on a daily basis. It's no wonder I sought love in all the wrong places. They were "Unapproachable."

The best advice I could give to any parent is to be aware of the doors of communication. Are they closed? That's when you seem unapproachable or maybe you're too busy with work and your children don't feel they can come and talk to you about anything and everything. This is the exact spot, the very pinpoint to the beginning of the end.

See, when your kid can't come to you and ask you anything or talk to you about what's going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly or you down play their emotions and you can bet your ass they have them, that's when the problems begin. Now they're going to go to their friends for advice and that sense of family. That's when your daughter is going to seek counsel, love, whatever from some older guy.

You have to realize that their emotions run the gambit from desires to be older to emotional immaturity as in holding onto childhood behaviors. One day they'll seem and believe that they're all grown up while the next they'll do something very childish and immature. But the thing you have to remember is that this is their emotions and they are really real.

You can not leave it up to the school system to raise your child. As well, you can not leave it up to the school system to teach your child about sex and drugs either. While D.A.R.E. is a good program, parents, you've still got to sit down with your kids and *talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex, peer pressure, cyber bullying, internet predators and unfortunately you've got to let them in on the very worst secret of all; That it is not all lollipops and cotton candy out there. There are people in this world that can and will harm them.

Do You Know Them???

Note the word "Talk." Now, when you speak to your child, of course, you want to command respect. If you want a rapport with your children though you've got to be mindful of these doors of communication and are they open, always open, 24/7? And do you speak down to them? Speak over them? Speak above them?

The big question of the day is this; Do you really, really know your child? Does your child have a secret side for fear of chastisement, punishment or retribution? Do they have that secret side because you might not understand?

I don't claim to be the sharpest peanut in the turd but I will say, if nothing else, I am observant. I see parents all the time, especially Mothers who treat their teens as equals, as a friend and are almost fearful of disciplining their child, expressly their adolescent children. These are quite often the Moms who want to be the "Cool Mom" on the block. They tend to look the other way rather than deal with the ginormous monstrosity that is their child.

I know all this because I was that Mom who wanted to be the "Cool Mom." And because of my own addictive behaviors and thinking, I allowed my own kids to get high, in the bathroom, in my own home. I also taught my children all the finer things in life where it concerns being a good criminal.When they busted me, it was front page news and the headline read, something like, "Busted; Ma Barker & Her Boys." I was shackled to my youngest son, for God's sake. Does it get any badder than that?

"Let Go & Let God"

For those parents that have kids already down that road, going down Addiction Alley, I pray that you will find calm assurance and realize the power of prayer. I'll pray that you see that you'll have to allow them to fall before they can ever climb up. This is one of the absolute hardest things a Mom can go through because we can't stand for our children to hurt. But the thing is, they've got to feel the burn, they've got to know that no one, short of God is going to save them. They've got to feel the repercussions of their actions or they'll continue to carry on, every day, in the same way. You've got to stay in prayer and allow them to hit their own personal bottom, now, before it's too late.

Open 24/7

If you are a parent of a pre-teen or teenager, I hope you will see the relevance of and awareness of those doors of communication, that I mentioned before. And I want you to take a long hard look at what is really important in this life; Is it that American Dream you keep chasing? You know the one where you think that both of you need to work over time to keep that second SUV in the garage, have a t.v. in every room, give your kid the best of the best, a cell phone, computer and on and on. But check this out: You work over time to get all this crap that you must ask yourself, "Do I really need all this to define happiness?"

Yes, you have to work over time and then you feel guilty for it so you think you'll compensate your kid by buying them all the things you didn't have growing up. But for real, what they need is YOU, not all this BS you work so hard to get.

The pitch line here is this; Parents, your children need you. Are you really there for them? Do you really know your child?

Hypethetically Speaking;

Did you know that a 23 year old guy is talking to your daughter, online and treats her all grown up and tells her how he desires her so badly?
(He wants to meet her and is trying to talk her into it. She's scared but wants to be desired by somebody, anybody. She believes she's ugly so she's just ecstatic because somebody has taken an interest in her.)

Did you know that your son has been driving around with his pals, getting drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the football team?
(I mean he just wants to be accepted but he's playing with death)

Did you know that the reason your daughter is so thin is because she's Anorexic?
(Yea, she was a bit chubby and the kids made fun of her, especially the boys)

Did you know that your child's failing grades are because she's caught up with a group of girls, "The Stoners?"
(She was doing fairly well but because of her low self-esteem she wanted to be accepted into the cliche of girls, you know the bad ones who'll steer her wrong. Those girls are not the prettiest or brightest so she feels safe amongst them because they really can't put her down. She'll start skipping school so she can hang out at that friends house who's Mom, a single mother, is always at work and they can party at her house and not get caught)

There are so many, "Do You Know's" you must ask yourself, about your child. And I could go on forever but suffice it to say, it's preventive medicine if you try to get to really know your child, reach out to them and let them know that they have permission to come to you about anything, especially before they do it.

Take A Look!

Your kids are less apt to seek out that sense of family, if they are still getting it at home. Take A Look! If you want them to learn about this life's ups and downs and why they should or shouldn't do something, you'd better assume the role of parent and teach them yourself. Take A Look!

If you want them to understand that drugs-n-drinking just might take them down, you'd better teach them yourself. But it's not good enough to simply say, "Now, don't you do this or that." No, you've got to explain why and a 5 minute talk on the subject is not going to do. You've got to explain how they can get out of the situation if they are offered drugs or any illicit behavior.

Your best bet is to arm yourself with an understanding of addiction and addictive behaviors. I suggest you study all you can on the subject so you may be armed with an educated opinion on the subject.

Teaching them to "Just Say No to Drugs" is not enough. What I mean by this is while the school system teaches them some on the subject, they don't know your child, what makes them who they are and what might cause them to turn to drugs/drinking. That is a question you must ask yourself before it happens. That is pertinent to you and your child and something you must face together.

Don't make the stupid mistake of assuming that your child will never mess around with drugs and/or drinking. It's safer to say that they will be faced with it and just telling them to, again, "Just Say No to Drugs" is not enough. You've got to delve into the subject, the meat of the whole shabang. And that entails letting them know, showing them what happens when you play with fire; you will get burned.

Your best stance, to take might be to let them know that getting high is an escape they may never be able to escape from. Tell them that if they do have an addictive personality and they do try drugs, it will ruin their lives. Notice that I didn't say "might ruin their lives." Drugs will most certainly place your kid on the road of self destruction. They've got to know why it's so dangerous to try; They may think they love it, need it and will then do anything to get it. That's the truth of the matter.

Speak to them now, before it's too late!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


*1950s through the '70s:

Metracal was the first weight-loss shake product, adapted from baby formula by Mead Johnson
Nutritionals. It was wildly successful. The company also marketed Metracal cookies. Metracal is now off
the market.
Source; Whatever Happened To...
History of Diets

Editor's Note; I received the following email from Sara Wilson in the Media Dept for

The Fresh Air Fund

It looks to me like a wonderful opportunity for inner city kids and here at Ask Aunt B, we stand behind anything that might make it better for today's youth. If you read this, I hope you'll visit the website and possibly donate or find a way to get involved.

From: Sara Wilson Date: 04/14/09 13:33:51 To: mzbabz@comcast.net Subject: Please help a child this summer

Hi

I would like to ask for your help with getting the word out on Ask Aunt B with an issue I thought you and your readers would care about. The countdown to Summer has begun and The Fresh Air Fund is in need of host families. Host families are volunteers who open their hearts and home to a child from the city to give them a fresh air experience. I've set up a social media news release which explains everything, so please feel free to use any of the images, logos, videos, etc:

http://freshair-newsrelease.com/

Please let me know if you are able to post and if you have any questions.

Thank you so much,

Sara

--

Sara Wilson,

The Fresh Air Fund

www.freshair.org

More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar

Dear Aunt B,

We have recently rented a very nice house for a decent price, and we love it. There is very little we would change if we bought this house, we are close to work, family, stores, and we only really have one neighbor to our property because of road frontage, railroad tracks, and a gully behind. The house is almost perfect, and the rent and utilities so far are not that high. The only problem is our neighbor. There is a row of bushes between our properties, and in cleaning the yard we had lined up branches and logs from the winters storm on our side of the bushes. She came knocking on our door, yelling at my daughter that the limbs are on her property and she wanted us to move them, my husband went to the door, and politely asked her what was wrong, and she was making snide remarks about us facing trespassing charges if we didn’t move them. He said “I’ll call Jerry (the landlord), thank you, ma’am” and he shut and locked the door. We told the landlord what she said and the landlord looked at where we put the limbs and said that he saw no problem, and that the bushes were on the line. Then about a week later she got mad again and was fussing about the trash can my daughter sat it a few inches over into her yard and she made us move it. Now, my husband has caught her raking limbs onto the back of our property, when he said something to her she said it would be best if he just went back inside.
We have always been friendly with neighbors and are used to people who you can share garden veggies with and talk to every day on the way to the mailbox. How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman? She is elderly, lives alone and rarely comes out, and hires people to do lawn work and such, I think.

Dear Reader;

I have lived next to people like this (and they were not elderly, just ornery!) and unfortunately the answer is this: leave it be.
Make sure you know where your property begins and ends, and respect those limits. Some people are, for whatever reason, very compulsive about every centimetre of their property, especially when they have to defend it in the past. You rent this property correct? My guess is that this lady has had several neighbours and has learned over time to “draw the line” nice and early so there is no room for miscommunication. Really has nothing to do with you personally..

You never know, maybe if you respect her wish (in respecting her property) and you live there a little while, she might come out of her shell and become a little more neighbourly.

Hope you enjoy your house, regardless of the neighbour.

~ Xmichra

Hi M******,

Isn't it always true that just when everything seems perfect, a pricker gets in our way! Well, I know how hard it can be to have neighbors who are difficult. Two things come to mind, first, how lucky you are that this is just one person to deal with. The second thing is, that this old woman may feel threatened by a young family moving in. She may know, that some young people treat the elderly with disrespect.
My advice to you is to give her a chance. Be nice to her, despite her aggressive behavior to you, for it might be out of fear. Show her that you don't mean her any harm, and in fact truly want to be neighborly. She may come around, and then you can build some sort of trust, as a neighbor. And, if things really do not get any better, a bad neighbor can be less of a reason that some people do end up moving!
I hope this helps!

Thanks for contacting SidellSez and the best of luck to you!

Sidell



Dear Melissa,

I would imagine that the commandment to "love thy neighbor as you love yourself" is surely a challenge in your mind at this point in time. I think anybody would find fault in your neighbors bad behavior. Yes, it's enough to "piss off a Preacher" isn't it?

You stated, in your letter, "How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman?" so it appears to me that you are able to see things from different perspectives, i.e., that she is lonely and angry. It also sounds like you and your husband are reasonable people faced with an unreasonable neighbor.

I suppose there are a couple of different ways to deal with this woman, one of which is steering clear of her in hopes that she'll just settle down as you settle in. She is evidently territorial, not to mention vindictive and at this juncture she may just simply be letting you know loud and clear that she'll not take any abuse of her rights and/or property lines, real or imaginary.

You can pick which one suits you or rather which one you can bear to approach. The first idea might be a "Do Over" line of attack. Possibly you could take over a homemade item such as cookies or something similar and establish that the two of you got off on the wrong foot. You could also acknowledge that you respect her as well as her property and will try to be mindful of such.

Now I realize you're probably a bit miffed by her behavior and as such may be a tad bit apprehensive about"sucking up" to such a hateful persona. But you do get, "More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar."

If this line of attack is palatable, in thought but not in reason, you might write a note to the effect of how you would like to "turn over a new leaf" per say, making sure that you mention the fact that you've never ever had problems with neighbors before and you certainly do not wish for it now. Then ending it with the question, "...and how can we resolve this to your satisfaction?," may bring forth some semblance of satisfaction.

By writing this note, making it clear that you realize that she's obviously been burned by someone who's lived there before you, it will then possibly validate her fears but also make her aware that you, her new neighbor are not like your predecessors and will most certainly treat her just as you'd want to be treated.

Now the ball is in her court and she just might have to look at her, more than obvious asinine behavior.The methodology behind this may be to let her know that you do realize that it's quite possible that, for better terms, she may very well be carrying some emotional baggage, real issues she's dealt with in the past by neighbors that did not treat her with due respect.

If this does not work, I'll welcome you to write us again and we'll be more than happy to hash this out with you.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Matthew 22:36-40

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Depressed???

The advice, tips, and content on this site is in no way intended to be used as a substitute for professional advice or treatment. Aunt B will be happy to assist with obtaining appropriate professional help if requested. The site administrator and site contributors are not responsible for the actions of those patronizing this site.

Thank you,

Aunt Babz

Here's an NYU, Depression Test Click Here



Here's another Test Click Here



Depression



Many men/women don't recognize depression symptoms. Depression is a complex matter. In recent years, with burgeoning research progress, we are finding out that depression is much more common than many of us thought. At least 15% (and likely more) of men/women take an antidepressant during their lifetime. Depression is much more common in women than in men, but the reason for this female predominance is unclear.

Besides the fact that woman suffer from depression more often than do men, women often think they can "work through" a depression on their own. They may misunderstand the low risk associated with medication treatment of depression, or else they believe that because they are intelligent hard-working people a counselor or psychologist will be of no help. These mistaken beliefs are, unfortunately, common. Medications for depression may sometimes have annoying side effects, such as agitation, insomnia, or drowsiness, but serious reactions are extremely unusual. Women with a true depression are suffering. Such bothersome, non-life threatening side effects, which may lessen soon anyway, are likely to be much more tolerable than untreated depression for many women. Time and again, studies have shown that either counseling or medication therapy, or optimally both together, are extremely effective in safely relieving depression in both women and men.
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What is a depressive disorder?

Depressive disorders have been with man since the beginning of recorded history. In the Bible, King David, as well as Job, suffered from this affliction. Hippocrates referred to depression as melancholia, which literally means black bile. Black bile, along with blood, phlegm, and yellow bile were the four humors (fluids) that accounted for the basic medical physiology of that time. Depression has been portrayed in literature and the arts for hundreds of years, but what do we mean today when we refer to a depressive disorder? In the nineteenth century, depression was seen as an inherited weakness of temperament. In the first half of the twentieth century, Freud linked the development (pathogenesis) of depression to guilt and conflict. John Cheever, the author and a modern sufferer of depressive disorder, wrote of conflict and experiences with his parents as influencing his development of depression.

In the 1950's and 60's, depression was divided into two types, endogenous and neurotic. Endogenous means that the depression comes from within the body, perhaps of genetic origin, or comes out of nowhere. Neurotic or reactive depression has a clear environmental precipitating factor, such as the death of a spouse, or other significant loss, such as the loss of a job. In the 1970's and 80's, the focus of attention shifted from the cause of depression to its effects on the afflicted people. That is to say, whatever the cause in a particular case, what are the symptoms and impaired functions that experts can agree make up a depressive disorder? Although there is some argument even today (as in all branches of medicines), most experts agree that:

1. A depressive disorder is a syndrome (group of symptoms) that reflects a sad mood exceeding normal sadness or grief. More specifically, the sadness of depression is characterized by a greater intensity and duration and by more severe symptoms and functional disabilities than is normal.
2. Depression symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors, but also by specific changes in bodily functions (e.g., eating, sleeping, and sexual activity). The functional changes are often called neurovegetative signs.
3. Certain people with depressive disorder, especially bipolar depression (manic depression), seem to have an inherited vulnerability to this condition.
4. Depressive disorders are a huge public health problem.

* In 1990, depression cost the United States 43 billion dollars in both direct costs, which are the treatment costs, and indirect costs, such as lost productivity and absenteeism.

* In a major medical study, depression caused significant problems in the functioning of those affected more often than did arthritis, hypertension, chronic lung disease, and diabetes, and in two categories of problems, as often as coronary artery disease.

* Depression can increase the risks for developing coronary artery disease, HIV, asthma, and some other medical illnesses. Furthermore, it can increase the morbidity (illness) and mortality (death) from these conditions.

5. Depression is usually first identified in a primary care setting, not in a mental health practitioner's office. Moreover, it often assumes various disguises, which causes depression to be frequently under-diagnosed.
6. In spite of clear research evidence and clinical guidelines regarding therapy, depression is often under-treated. Hopefully, this situation can change for the better.
7. For full recovery from a mood disorder, regardless of whether there is a precipitating factor or it seems to come out of the blue, treatments with medications and/or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and psychotherapy are often necessary.