R.I.P. Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch (Oct. 23, 1960 - July 25, 2008) gave his last lecture at the university Sept. 18, 2007, before a packed McConomy Auditorium. In his moving presentation, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams," Pausch talked about his lessons learned and gave advice to students on how to achieve their own career and personal goals. For more, visit www.cmu.edu/randyslecture.

Randy's Personal Website

Editor's Note: I had the pleasure of briefly meeting this gentleman. I wasn't really aware of who he was, only that my crew/employees knew him by name. He came into the store I was the Manager of in Pittsburgh. I recognized him immediately when I watched this video as soon as it was released. I had, in my employee, at different times, CMU students. I called them, "my gifted crew," as only gifted and highly intelligent applicants get into CMU. I only spoke to this fella for a minute but I can look back in retrospect that he was a person who exuded, a positive force. A great example of a man, may he rest in peace but live long in the memory of man.

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Ground Rules

Dear Aunt Babz,

We rent a condo for the month of Feb. in Florida. SIL, who isn't close, never had much communication. Invited herself and boyfriend for the weekend. While here, she said they were coming to see us in Florida for a week. During her short visit, we fixed meals, showed them around our area and were expected to pick up the tab. She got up Sunday morning and said, I'm antsy, where can we go. So I would expect much of the same for a week in Florida.

I really don't want to give up a week of my vacation, 25% of it. Resent that we will be the tour guides, hotel, food providers, and pick up most or all of the tab. Also don't want this to be a standard practice with them.

How do I wiggle out of this without hurting feelings? We do have my daughter coming at some some time and we have 2 sets of friends that also come for short 2-4 day visits while we are there in Florida. Those friends live in Florida. Daughter is from Chicago.

Hate the way this is making me feel. And DH is very easy going and says don't worry about it. February is a long time away. This is his youngest sister

Dear Visited,

I must not have received part two.. and I am trying to understand the jist here. So bear with me.

To my understanding the SIL hasn’t stayed with you yet in the condo you rent, but has stayed with you before and the result was you picking up the tab and having to make a decision on leaving the place you were in. If I am wrong here, I apologize, but the letter here is unclear.

If this is the case, and you are feeling like you have to pick up the tab… what the heck are you doing? Sure, in your place it may be good practice to be hospitable and make dinner or what have you. But picking up the tab while you go out is unacceptable. When you dine out, simply ask the wait staff to separate the cheque before you order, so that she is aware she will have to pay for her portion and you are not to be used like that. It is a non-confrontational way to solve an uncomfortable situation. Maybe the SIL is under the impression that her brother (your husband) is willing to pay the tab. Maybe he has told her that he would. Be sure, talk to him and ask if that is the case. If it is.. you two definitely need to have a talk.

As for the wiggling out of leaving your condo when they do come to visit. This one is quite easy. If the question arises that the SIL wants to go elsewhere, simply tell her that you have rented the condo for the month, paid for it, and have made plans for other visitors so you cannot go this time, maybe another time when you can plan a little better.

Maybe if you and your husband talk and set down some ground rules it would be easier to make these comments as well. I know you said that he is easy going. But being easy going doesn’t imply that you have to pay for everyone, or that you can’t talk about it.

Make sure you are being rational and not accusatory about things, because this is his sister. Ask him questions like “hey, just wondering, did you tell your sister that we would pay for dining out while they were here? I just want to be sure of how much to set aside for this trip.” or “did you get a chance to ask your sister how much cupboard space she will need for her groceries the week that she is here? You really should so she can plan her budget for her trip” . These sorts of questions are non-threatening and will make for an easier conversation if he has made some sort of agreement with the SIL.

Bottom line is you are feeling resentful, and that isn‘t healthy. You need to talk with your husband and figure out what you need to do.

Good luck

~Xmichra

Building Blocks

Hi Aunt B! My name is roxxie and im 19 years old..im based in pretoria south africa and i just want closure on a relationship i am in! how do u know wen a man loves u!? my ex boyfriend always breaks up wit me wen we have a fight! he is a very difficult man because he had a terrible childhood! we neva go out and he always wants to stay at home! the last fite we had was when i pretended i was sum 1 else on the phone and i was asking questions because i felt he was cheating on me! he found out it was me and he told me its ova because i shouldnt b so stupid to believe he would cheat on me! he told me to go away becoz we will neve work out! its only been 2 days since the break up and he walks past my shop where i work!! y does he do this to me? do u tink his cheating!? do u tink he loves me but doesnt know how to show it? hes a man full of violence and anger and im a kind loving raring girl and very christian...y does he keep coming back? thanks kind regards roxxie Dear Reader, Dear Roxxie, It sounds like you both need to just let this one go. The primary building block in a relationship is trust and friendship. And from what you have just said, neither of those things are present in this relationship (which is bad coming from a 6 line explanation of this). If you care for someone, you don’t pretend to be another person and bait him or her. That is deception in it’s finest and a horrible game to play on someone you are suppose to trust. You also don’t break up at the first sign of disagreement. That shows lack of respect, which walks hand in hand with friendship. Personally, I would look at this as an opportunity to see the mistakes you have both made and use that knowledge to better future relationships. You are very young, and relationships can be tricky at this age. But being with someone who doesn’t respect you, or you don’t respect him or her, that is a recipe for disaster. Take this as a life lesson of what not to do, and what you are looking for in a relationship and walk away. ~Xmichra~

Hand Him the Key

Dear Aunt B,

I am writing to get advice about my boyfriend and I who are living together. We are very close and get along well, however there is one issue that seems to continue to come up and that we cannot seem to agree on or agree to disagree on, I am afraid that this issue may tear us apart unless one of us gives in but we both feel like we are right.

There are three girls that he considers his best friends and talks to on a regular basis about everything including our relationship. One is his ex wife that he has two children with, one is a girl that he used to date and has been intimate with and one has always been a platonic friend and lives with her boyfriend. He has hung out with his ex-wife on a fairly regular basis since we have been dating, he talks to her on a very personal level and discusses our relationship with her. I even found pics of her in his phone the other day. She is single and they were trying to work things out several months before we started dating. He talks to his ex girlfriend not as often but she has sent him text messages in the middle of the night and I found messages from him telling her he misses her and they should get together for dinner. I have never really had a problem with the platonic friend until I woke up at 1am to find him outside talking on the phone with her. Once again he shares details about our relationship with these girls. I have told him on several occasions that these relationships make me very uncomfortable and that I feel it is disrespectful that he would talk to them on such an intimate level and that it shows a lack of commitment. He has expressed that I am being insecure and controlling and that he has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him. He says that it is unfair for me to ask him to give up his best friends. I want very much to spend the rest of my life with this man but I do not want to spend the rest of my life sharing my time with other woman. I have never been in this situation and I do not know what to do. Am I really being insecure and controlling? Can men really just be friends with women even if they have been intimate in the past? Or am I making the right decision when I tell him that this behavior is unacceptable to me and that he has to make a choice? Please help.

Dear Reader,

No Ma'am, I don't like it not one damn bit. You betcha I side with you. Now, I'm not about instigating or getting your hairs up either but I do believe you need to deal with this now or never. Put up or shut up, ya know?

As far as I'm concerned, it's plain out and out disrespectful of him to not abide by a very reasonable concern. It's real simple, if it making you uncomfortable, he doesn not need to assert himself in this rebellious fashion. That is exactly what he is doing and flipping the script by making you seemingly insecure because of your request. Not one but three women and one of which is his ex wife who you know he has not long before tried to re-kindle those embers of love? No siree Bob, it's a bit much to ask.

I understand he must maintain ties with his ex wife, that's a given but beyond that, well needless to say, could he be on good terms with your ex and would he not be at all jealous of your little intimate moments, if you behaved the same way? I don't even think jealous is the proper word for this. It's just not a good situation for him to place you in and it has nothing to do with trust or insecurity for you to be uncomfortable in the position he places you in.

Hand Him the Key

Now, it may very well be that you have every reason to trust him, we'll give him that. He may very well have behaved, had honorable intentions and so forth. But the situation is that this all makes you uncomfortable, especially because he does speak about the both of you in intimate fashion and detail with these women. Text messages of "Missing You and Let's Do Dinner" and so on are rather inappropriate as well and you can tell him I said so. He's pushed things a little too far and basically abused your good nature in the name of saying you're just insecure.

Since I know you're not the vindictive kind, as well, I just know you are loyal beyond loyal to your man, you can't very well, in real time, place him in your shoes. I would most certainly have him try to understand just how he would feel if the tables were turned. If you hung out with your ex's, talked on the phone with other guys, had their picture on your phone, had evidence of text messages, how would he feel? The clincher here is; Could he swallow you talking to your ex husband and I mean beyond just amicability sharing such intimate details i.e maybe his sexual performance in bed? Uh oh, I think the shat would hit the fan and he'd be calling you all kinds of unscrupulous names. Now wouldn't he?

He needs to check himself. Yes, he needs to look in the mirror and be for real. The majority of women, I know would side with you on this issue. But the key to this whole thing is the way he does not see just how disrespectful he is being with his continued behavior long after you've let him know you have issue with it. This is a deal breaker and I don't think he realizes it. I sure hope it's not a sign of things to come. See G-Friend, if he knowingly continues this, assured that it makes you extremely uncomfortable, well it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that he does not know how to respect you, your wishes and he sure doesn't know how to put the shoe on the other foot. Or does he? Is he able to see how upsetting this would be, if you were doing the same thing?

I double dog dare you to print this out and strategically place it where he'll find it. Then remind him that the issue is not so much about trust but R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Get brave and give him this post. I don't know you or him. What could it hurt?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Friend,

I agree with you. You're not being controlling and it's insecurity but simplistic common sense. If he's trying to sneak around then it's obvious that he doesn't respect you or your wishes. There's the problem right there. I don't feel you're being unreasonable for asking him to cut or limit his ties with ex's, women in general because how would he feel if you were talking it up with your ex boyfriend? What would he say if you did the same thing, getting calls at 1am, basically what appears to be sneaking outside to have a conversation with the opposite sex.

I wouldn't mind him talking to his ex, as it's necessary, they have kids together but he doesn't need to share details, private matters, etc. Just a few short months before you two began dating, it's a fact that he tried to get back with his ex wife, right? Well, you're not a mind reader, he should know this. How do you know that he's really called it quits forever or if one minute to the next he catches the glimpse of her eye, they share an intimate moment and the fire's begin to burn again? And And And if you play with fire, somebody is going to get burned.

Guys will guys and they always talk smack and about relationships and intimacy but it's taking it too far sharing your private relations with his ex's and even the platonic relationship. It's just not right and that's all I have to say about that. It's just not right!

On Your Side,

Halena

Dear Friend,

Wow, I completely disagree with Babs and Halena.. not often that comes up!

I have said it once, and would repeat a thousand times, if you cannot trust a partner what the hell are you doing in a relationship.

he is right, he hasn't given you any reason to doubt him. And those are his friends. And he has made that clear.

If he were a woman who had three male friends this would be answered differently I bet. And why? it is the same situation on both accounts. It is a double standard in my eye.

Fact is, you are being insecure. BUT, you do have a right to discuss that insecurity and to have your partner acknowledge it and try to ease your worry.

You are within your rights to explain that yes, you are insecure. But how would he feel if the roles were reversed? If you were receiving 1am phone calls from a male friend and i miss you calls from an ex. He does need to see the perspective, no matter how innocent the conduct. And new relationships should be about learning about each other and what each other needs.

I will guarantee that if you make him make a choice, you will be parked outside on the curb. That is inclusive of what he talks to his friends about. You wouldn't want him telling you that you couldn't talk to friends about your life now would you?

Frankly, the inappropriate part is just as much you listening in, watching his phone and being sneeky as it is his not listening to your needs. But still, he is likely to look at it as you being jealous and him being nothing but honorable. So watch your step when talking with him.

Bottom line, he is not going to change his friends. So you need to figure out what you can deal with or not deal with. Because in the end, you need to be able to live with what ever decision you make.

~Xmichra~

Embrace the Words

Dear Aunt B,

I am a 30 yr old father of a 4 yr old boy. I am very involved in his life. I have not been with his mother since he was born and she is now married. About 2 1/2 yrs ago I had a sexual relationship with my sons mothers step-sister. My sons mother does not know any of this. I haven't talked to the step-sister for at least 2 yrs and a couple days ago she had informed me that her 17 mo old son may have been fathered by me. She is with another man and he has known since the day the child was born due to a DNA test. He has accepted the fact and wants to be the child's dad. They don't want anything from me, they just thought I should know since the child is looking more and more like my son. I am confused what I should do. I feel like I should be there for the child. Another advice column said it would be better for the child if I did nothing and let them be. I just want whats best for the child. Can you help me figure this out?



Dear Reader,

Wow, another advice site told you "it would be better for the child if I did nothing and let them be", huh? I have mixed emotions about all this but I doubt I'd tell you to flat out stay out of it all.

Life can sure be trying, can it not? And it doesn't come with a users manual, does it? For these life altering, life changing decisions, such as this one, there's not much in the way of rules or even a guide to help us. Although your situation is, of course, unique, you are not the first to go through this. Thus, it's important for all parties involved, especially your son, that you make an informed, educated and wise decision. Let's hope it's one which does not come back to bite you in the butt...

I'm sure this is probably one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make. I'm not sure if I can really help you answer this one. I wish I could make this easier for you. I do imagine this is a rather lonely and distressing affair, especially if you go it alone, as it appears you are. What you do have, especially in dire straits such as this, is what I endearingly call, the "small still voice."Only you might hear this Voice, the voice of reason, the voice of your Higher Power. You must listen for It and then listen to It.

It seems to me that you are a reasonable man. It seems that you've weighed things out and in fact only want what's best for the child. Your son seems to be in a good place(I have a good feeling about it all) and it's commendable that a man who is not even his father would choose to raise him as his own. Now, knowing this, it might be something to consider that you sit down with them, if it's possible and etch out a strategy, feel it all. You must let them know that it's not your intent to upset their family unit. You should state that you only want what's best for the child, you would hope things could remain amicable(say this out loud to them) and before it's all said and done, shake the hand of the man who will raise your son.

Yes, the day will come, in the not so distant future...

On the flip side, I'd like you to envision your son, many years from now. Will he wonder why you weren't there? Will there be irreversible damage because you chose to stay out of it all? Will he be able to see that you stayed away with his best interests at heart? I have the answer to this question and you may write me again, if you can't see it or hear it. Selah

You do have the right, given the fact if you are the father, to be a part of your sons life. This is a moral right as well as a legal stand. Maybe consider waiting till he is a bit older and can understand. I do believe it is paramount to his emotional well being for your influence, your imprint, your signature and your voice to be ingrained upon his heart.

This is certainly a gut wrenching situation. I have so much to say and so much more that I want you to think about, questions you need to ask yourself. Can you or will you be able to forgive yourself if you walk away? I think it will plague you all the days of your life.

I would recommend that you sit down with the Mother and the would be Dad, if at all possible and talk about all this. Ask if it is possible/plausible for you to inquire about your sons welfare in continuity? Out and out ask them, if it is their wish for you is to stay out of the scenario? If they tell you that they do in fact want you to stay out, possibly agree until your son is of a certain age of understanding. Now, it's not really fair to all parties for you to come and go as you please, meaning, one day you're not there but magically appear years down the rode. It might be confusing to your son?

The legal ramifications are that if you do walk away without that continuity of inquiry as to your sons welfare, it would be considered as an abandonment issue. It could be held against you. But if you make it clear that you want even limited interaction, it changes the story. You could agree, if it is their wish, to stay for the most part, on the sidelines. But the real question there is can you do this?

Another man will be called "Daddy"by your son. Can you live with this? I do not say this to provoke you. I say it to make you think. See, the ball is in your court still. They've made you aware of your possible fatherhood, for what reasons? Was it out of fairness? Was it so you'd hear it from them first? My point is that I do believe they seem to be reasonable people, for one. Secondly, it seems possible that you were told, quite possibly, to get your permission concerning an allowance, a clear right of way, for this other man to raise your son. I would tend to want to know the reasoning behind it all? You should ask what or why? You do have the right to know. You don't need to even appear as if you are asserting this right but you simply state that you want to know what the plan is? You tell them that you want to do the right thing for them as well as your son and this is the only reason you ask.

My advice to you would be to ask what is their ulterior motive for telling you, as well. Based upon their answer and carefully weighing in your feelings is important. Make it clear that you understand their position but, with the child's best interest at hand, you are willing to step back but not to step out. Make it very clear that you want this window of opportunity open to you and make it even clearer that your intention is not to abuse this.

It should be understood that you are trying your best to be unselfish and only representing the very best of intention, for your son. Tell them that you will make a conscience effort to do what is best for your son as well as his Mother. What should you do or how can you make this happen/work and maintain amicability and a good relationship? Let it be known that you are willing to work with them.

As well, possibly have an open door of communication, even if it's an email address where they can contact you in the event that issues arise. This could be medical, as well as financial issues, so you'd want to keep in touch.

I suppose I've not actually answered your question, have I? I do think this is a situation that merits contemplation, a deep soul searching. But I also feel, with my loyalty to you, that you may write the handbook on how this is handled. It can be simple; You ask that the door of communication between you and the Mother will always be open with that assurance that you will not, as I said before, abuse that right. You let her know that when and if they need you, you will be there.

Finally, if you do decide to step aside, the most important and unselfish thing you could possibly do is to give permission to the fella that will raise your son, to not feel guilt but embrace the words, when your son calls him "Daddy."

I'd ask you to sit down, in a quiet spot and listen for this Voice to advise you. I'd like you to quiet your thoughts, clear your head, take a cleansing breath and ask for guidance. I am here if you need me further...


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Friend,

This is a tricky situation, and I can see where you are conflicted.

I don’t think anyone is qualified to tell you what the best thing for the child will be, as we have no idea the baring from not knowing of your genetic background, what that can do to a child or an adult mind. It is a very difficult thing to deal with, not knowing who your genetic parents are, and sometimes it is better for a child not to know initially. Sometimes it is better for them to know right from the start. The only one who can answer that is the child, and usually it is too late by then from the time that they can figure out what they need. So I wouldn’t let that make your decision at all. Because as sure as I am breathing, every person in the world wants to know his or her lineage. Even if they choose to ignore it that is something every person wants to know.

But the best thing for a child is always a loving family. And a family is becoming such a variant of dynamics in this world that it isn’t simply a house with a mommy and daddy and kids. It is the bond of love and trust and knowing that the love it there no matter if you live in the same house or countries apart. Family half the time isn’t even genetic-bound, it is that love between people. Family is what is important to a child, not lack of knowledge.

I think for me personally I would figure out how I felt about having a potential child out there in the world that I didn’t know at all or have had no hand in raising. You sound like you are very involved with your first son’s life and love it, could you live knowing you were not a part of this second child’s life? With that, I would likely ask for a paternity test to see if you were the parent of the child and make a choice after being informed. If the child isn’t yours, then I wouldn’t say or do anything, it is a moot case. But if the child is yours, that is a totally different situation.

I don’t think that the mother would have contacted you “just to let you know”. Either her or her husband must have had a guilty conscious about this, and knew that you had a right to choose what to do here. Maybe making an arrangement for the child to know whom you are, and where to find you at all stages in his life is the answer so that the child doesn’t feel abandoned or lost later in life. Maybe it is in joint custody between you and the mother. Maybe it is with visitation. I don’t know what the answer is; only you can decide what you are willing to live with in regards to your children.

You need to decide if having a son that doesn’t know you is okay with you. You need to decide if not being there for him is something you can deal with. Because in the long run this is your life, and you will need to deal with whatever consequences come of your decisions. And you will need to be able to live your life without regret. Figure this question out, and it will unravel the rest.

Good luck with your decision, and let us know how you are.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

Kick Him To the Curb

Dear Aunt B,

I slept with an acquaintance. He & I used to subtly flirt, and I knew he

was interested in me. One thing led to another, and before we knew it,

we were in bed together for an entire Sunday. He spent the whole time

worshipping me. It wasn't just about the sex that day, we also spent

time talking and getting to know each other. He expressed interest in

seeing me again, and I obliged. We never made definite plans, but we

left on a good note. The sex was anything but awkward. It was

wonderful. When I didn't hear from him the next day, I sent him a text

message asking him when we could see each other again. He gave me the

cold shoulder and later told me that he didn't think it was a good idea

to see me again. He never gave me an explanation, he just told me over

& over again that it "wasn't a good idea." I stopped calling, but I

broke down and texted him about 2 weeks after the time we slept

together. He told me he didn't want to see me, and he didn't want me to

contact him either. I just don't understand. I tried to get a reason

out of him, but he refuses to tell me anything! I know for a fact that

he is single/unmarried. I am a good looking, fun loving woman. He made

it clear that he thought I was gorgeous. I think I would have been able

to handle the rejection better if he would have given me a reason, so I

can make some kind of sense of it. I already feel incredibly stupid for

making an ass of myself, and I feel horrible that he coldly told me not

to contact him at all ever again. I don't know what to do, and I am

stewing. He's making me think I'm crazy, like I had imagined the whole

thing. How could he not be interested after he spent our day acting as

if I were his god? I guess I need advice on a.) how to get over this

rejection and b.) how to turn the tables on him. I must see this man a

few times a week for short periods of time at my workplace. How do you

think I should act when he comes in? If it helps, I am 26 and he is 31.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.


Dear Reader,

Very few people handle any form of rejection very well, especially without explanation. Maybe this guy feels like an ass because he did behave the way he did? Were you drinking? If the answer is yes, he may have behaved in a manner that was unbecoming to him and he's feeling rather embarrassed.

It's easier said than done but you can't take all this personally. I realize you enjoyed his company but I get the distinct feeling that this guy, well, he's not the one. Now, smooth out those tail feathers, re-apply your lipstick and smile because the right guy with the right stuff isn't too far away. Yes, you've seen him before. You really didn't notice him. He's not drop dead gorgeous but a decent looking guy. Did he wink at you? He has a mix of new and old school values, appreciates a good woman, respects them and is not intimidated by a smart woman, such as yourself. In fact, you are just the sort of woman he will bend over backwards to make you smile. He's a funny guy and until needed and necessary, does not take life too seriously.

Open your eyes, take the blinders off. Thus far, you've toyed with the notion of a certain type of guy. But the kind of guy you've been looking for is exactly like this guy that blew you off. It's not you, G-Friend, it's them and your high expectations.

Lower that criteria or at least analyze it because you've missed what is right in front of you. Normally, you might never consider this fella I'm referring to. I see him and he's of average height and build. No, he's not buff or athletic. He's not rich but he is focused. He doesn't come from the same background as you. He'll be your very best friend though and you'll never be at a loss of words with him.

You took a smack down of your self esteem. There is no explanation as to why this guy behaved as he did except that it was all a front, a game and he was a good actor. Realize that he's not the one and blow him off. Take control here and kick him to the curb, in your mind. The best thing you could do for yourself is to smile when you see him. Inside though, you will see and feel what an incredulous ass this guy actually is and that will make you smile. It's an inside joke and he's the punchline. Mark my words.

Let me know when Mr.Right takes your breath away, will ya?


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

The Few, The Proud, The Real Men

Editor's Note; This is an Update from a prior letter called This Is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I wrote you 3 weeks ago regarding my best friend crisis. That day; I followed your advice and wrote an apology email, I had my wife read through it and then I read it again. When I thought it was exactly what I had to say I sent it. Two weeks after that I hadn't heard a thing so I made a phone call to the man in question. I was not malicious or rude, I simply asked if he received my email. He used a few vulgar words towards me and hung up the phone. Yesterday I received an email that was 80% vulgar and rude language, the summary of which was he never wants to be my friend again. He doesn't even want to take the chance that my apology was real because he says I'm a coward and always will be. Aunt B, I was upfront and honest with him, I was sincere and meant every word of my apology. I know I'm not a coward. You asked me to provide an update as to how things turned out, unfortunately it's not the update I wanted to pass along to you.

What should I do now? Just forget he ever existed? Send another email?

Thank you for all your help, even if he didn't believe me. I meant my apology and I have you to thank for showing me the light.

Jeremy R

My Dearest Jeremy,

OK Darlin', since I don't know the content/context of the letter you sent to him, I'll have to ask a few questions? First let me say though, that I am content in the fact that you rose above it all, were not a coward, took that bull by the horns and made your apology. I am also sorry things didn't turn out better.

The important part here Jeremy, is that you swallowed your pride and did the right thing, did you not? You may now look in the mirror with a bit of integrity in your face. Isn't that what it's all about, I mean as a man to be able to look yourself in the eye?

It takes heart to apologize and make amends and if you ask me, it is a measure of a true man when he can admit when he's wrong or even take personal accountability for his actions. This is especially important when it comes to our children, you know to be able to apologize when we are wrong, I might add.

Even if you had only a small percentage, a mere slice in this painful pie and you've taken the time, put forth the effort to reduce that pain, I assure you no matter what, you are a stand up guy and certainly not a coward. I imagine Ben couldn't think of any other insult to sling after all, he already knows that you're not stupid, you're not ugly and you have a high set of standards, values and beliefs. You are successful and a good guy. He also knows, as I do, that for the most part, you are fearless. You have a healthy respect for certain things, meaning you are not impulsive and I do not imply you are a risk taker. You will dive in though and handle the task at hand no matter how much you'd prefer to just walk away. This is one of your chief attributes, thus he took it upon himself to try to hit you below the belt with his calling you a coward. We know differently though, don't we Dear?

See, even if other guys do not live by the old school rules such as, a man is only as good as his word, a firm handshake seals the deal and it takes a bigger man to admit his mistakes, you may now stand, head held high and count yourself amongst the few, the proud, the real men. Yes, this was an exercise in and a rite of passage, a show cause of a true man. All in all this is the defining factor, what separates the boys from the men.

Unfortunately, you may now look at the situation and see that Ben is not made of the same stuff. Ben knows it too and it intimidates him. He'll never admit it but he respected you and has always looked up to you. It is because of this that he feels such betrayal. You must be able to see this and why he is bitter, taking the stance he has. Ben respected your opinion as well, so for you to look down upon his choice, well it really hurt and I'd be willing to bet, he even questions his own choice. But simply out of spite, he'd never admit it and would take a stand against you because of it.

What To Do?

I'm hoping that your letter/email to Ben was not in defense of your feelings which would add insult to injury. What I mean by this is if you wrote him with more words as to why you said what you said but then said, "but I'm sorry if I hurt you with those words" then what you did was futile.

There may not be any resolve in this situation. It's a damn shame too. As well, I'm sorry that he did not accept your apology. Time marches on and that time also heals all wounds. maybe one day, Ben will set his own pride aside and do the right thing. I'm not counting on it though, sadly to say. It's possible that you've both grown apart. You grew up, Ben grew down, a sad state of affairs.

My last suggestion to you, is one last email(or mail him a card, maybe a Wedding Congrats?), a closing of a Chapter. I know it's not going to be easy for you but I'm putting my money on you. In that email, I would simply say;

"Ben, you are,were and always will be my good friend. I wish you nothing but the very best in your new life and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I will be here if you need me."

Now the ball is in his court, you've had the last word, held the upper hand, controlled your temper and will be able to close this Book on a positive note. You will also know that you did the right thing. Capish?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Music Soothes the Savage Beast

Dear Aunt B,

I'm in the marching band and I have been in it for 2 years (band for like 5 years). Well, as I'm going to my junior year in high school, I really don't like the millions of hours wasted from band from millions of rehearsals and performances.

Sure, colleges like extra curricular activity's but I'm 100% sure I'm getting to college without doing band and without doing community service hours (I'm that confident). Also, the reason I'm deciding to quit band is because I will have NOTHING to do with band in the real world.

I don't want to become a musician or anything else with band. I'm sick and tired of band controlling my life in school! The hours are just a waste! Band camp starts 3 weeks before school starts so it's another 3 weeks wasted from summer!!! I effing hate band but if I quit, I don't know what other classes to take (although I would eventually find a class I'm interested in taking). Not to mention the exercise I won't have (although I can exercise on my own).

So my question is, what should I do? Stay or quit?

Dear Friend/Band Mate,

I was in the Drum & Bugle Corp. as well as The Americanettes, a Baton/Majorette Corp so I know just how much time and dedication is required, dedication being the key word. I have mostly good memories of my years with emphasis on camaraderie and I must say, nothing gets your blood pumping like a good band backing you up, marching in time and so on.

It is pretty apparent, via your email that you are rather adamant about this. If it's such a burden, I'd tend to agree with you as possibly nixing the whole deal. Life is what you make it right? If something does not bring you joy and it's really not necessary, why put yourself through it?

Now, it seems to me that you've weighed this out, concerning College entrance requirements. I know they do look at extra curricular activity, if nothing else to see if you are involved in things other than straight up school study. They feel that those that have healthy hobbies and are civic minded are more well rounded persons. It's a big plus to do some form of Community Service, so you might consider this?

I can see your point if you have no intention of using your talent, your musical inclination, further down the road. It is a proven point, however, that those that maintain a musical hobby/background, especially as a stress reliever, well, Music Soothes the Savage Beast.

Maybe we can assume that you need a break from the rigors and commitment of maintaining your spot in Band? Right now, it's real clear that you have a real aversion to it, so step away from the situation, take a breather and focus on something else.

As I stated before, life is what you make it, it's all about perspective, what brings you joy and weeding out the bullshit that bothers you or causes you pain. Some things we have no control over while others, i.e. your band experience is something you can control. So, exercise that control but apply your energy to something that will be or work to your advantage, in the future.

An example, if you were to take up a second language or even, let's say, Sign Language, that would most certainly be to your advantage. Either one of those can and will be used in the future and it gives you a jump up on the average Joe. By that, I mean, if you have, let's say, Spanish under your belt and let's say you choose to be an Attorney, Doctor or whatever, it is a plus to be able to interpret and you will be in demand. It's just a win/win situation.

I can tell you are a rather determined individual, who when you make up your mind about something, come hell or high water, it's going to happen. Take all that energy, all that wherewithal and turn it into a positive. Right now, you seem a bit negative simply because you're just out and out pissed about this band agenda. Turn this whole thing into a beneficial situation and view it as freeing up your time to do bigger and better things. Take note of the mind set here. It is all about perspective and perspective is what it's all about. Flip the script, even in your attitude. See it as a step forward and correlate what it is that you want to do, concerning your college study and what will make your life easier, in the future. It's all a matter of working smart, not hard.

My advice to you is to weed out all the bull, all that does not bring you joy. Carefully look at what you can do that will bring about that joy. Mind you, not all things in life are pleasant and sometimes, for the sake of our future, we've gotta suck it up. Look at where you want to be and what you can do with this free time, if you quit band or rather put it on the back burner, whatever. Use the time wisely and hopefully in/with something that will put a smile back on your face.



Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





Dear Friend,

You don't stay in band for collegian upper-ground. That's all i know. But seriously, if you hate it, then quit. But many an adult would caution you that this could be one of those instances that you look back on and regret. There are plenty of people that i know who wish they had stuck with lessons, or learned an instrument. And very few who actually learned to play something who regret the task of doing so. if you are more interested in something else though, and your heart isn't in the music... then find your passion. But don't write off music just yet. It has a funny way of weaving itself back in.

~Xmichra~