Try On That High Heel

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, I hope things are well with you. My question is, I have been living with this man for 2 years and I love him so very much, he is 54 and I am 45. He had a child out of wedlock years ago she is now 21. She lives a few states away. He had carried on a relationship with her mother and I believe her mother still loves him. He wants to go visit his daughter, by himself, who lives with her mother. Incidently the daughter has never accepted me or really has been given a chance because he said that he didnt want to damage their relationship (she has always wanted them to get together). He also has 2 other children with his last exwife. They love me and we get along very well and I love them. Am I wrong in thinking that I should not be left out of this relationship. In the past he has stayed at their house overnight. I feel if you live with someone its not just dating. If you feel I am correct please tell me what I might say to him to make him understand. Thank you so much for your time

Dear M*******,

Seems that you have three parts to your question:

1. Should you be left out of the relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter?
2. Should you be worried that he is going to visit them alone?
3. Should you say anything to him, and if so what?

So I will try my best to answer these (and if I am wrong, please let me know. But this is what it sounds like you are asking).

1 – Relationships with kids and parents are very tricky indeed. But all in all, if he has made his choice (which is to be with you) then he should be man enough to support you (his choice) and be with you regardless of what his daughter thinks. I don’t think that you should be “left out” of the relationship, because the relationship is between the two of you, not his daughter. The relationship that you have with his daughter may not be the best situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own mind up about that.

2 – Now, I don’t want this to sound the wrong way… but you believe that the mother still loves your boyfriend. What does that have to do with him? Can you trust him? Do you feel that you should be there to guard your relationship? This is stuff which is all about you… not her. Having said that, I personally wouldn’t let him go alone. But I am the type of woman who believes that you take your significant other with you to significant things… like seeing your daughter or going on trips, regardless on if the Ex was there or not. But if you haven’t had a problem with this with other trips that he has taken, then the problem lays with the trust, and that is a problem bigger then this question.

3 – I can understand that you do not want to be shut out of this relationship and want to make it work. So when you are talking to him, make sure that you are relaying that exact message and that you really want the two of you to have a shot at living a good life, and she is an important part of his life. Stress how important it is to you that the things that are important to him are important to you, and that you don’t want this to come between you. That you want to be able to have a relationship with his daughter, she is an adult now, and by keeping you from her it only enables her hatred of you.

Things I would make sure of before you enter that conversation though, is if you have trust issues with him going alone and that is why you are truly upset. Because if you go into the conversation with the “I want a relationship with your daughter” speech and there is no truth to it, the conversation will soon unravel and you will end up in an argument. A very big argument.

Just be truthful and talk to him about what it is you want and fear. This should be something that the two of you can discuss.

I hope things work out for you, and for the family.

~Xmichra.

Dear M*******,

Some of us, for some reason are not able to put things into perspective. This is often true with men, in particular. While they can be brilliant, they often do not have common sense in certain situations. This is why God made woman...

You must simply put all this in terms that he can understand. Break it all down, each and every point you need to make. The good ol', "Put the shoe on the other foot," situation.

I would start by explaining to him, if the tables were turned, in each given situation, how would he feel? Would any of this bother him? Would he feel the same way, if it were you going to visit your ex and so on and so on.

Yes, just simplify the obvious and it's quite possible he'll be able to try on that high heel.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Silence is Golden But Duct Tape is Silver

Dear Aunt B,

My Boyfriend has a daughter -in- law that is very high strung, she is very on the defensive all the time, how can I better communicate with someone that is always on the defensive? She can be very combative!! it's really her way I believe of being able to control those of us that are around her, so she thinks.

I had my first run in with her this past weekend, she was getting too involved with the cleaning lady we shared and it came out while she was being nasty to me that the cleaning lady was somewhat going back and forth with both of us. I had been pretty good friends with the cleaning lady and than when she began cleaning for the daughter n law I saw a difference in her.

The cleaning lady was going back and telling the daughter n law my personal bussines. since than My boyfriend and I ask the cleaning lady what was wrong? we fixed it and she is no longer with us.

I do feel very good about her leaving as we need our privacy. The daughter n law was using the cleaning lady to get info on me. I had a bad day one day as I was very stressed and I had a meltdown regarding paperwork, I couldnt find. The cleaning lady told her about my private upset.......The daughter-n- law never said a word until I by accident said something she didnt like,(It was not what i meant) and screamed at me, than decided to use the cleaning lady against me. I am glad she told me as I would never have known that the cleaning lady was not my friend. in other words the daughter-n-law would not have said a word so that she could get more info on our private life. How do I deal with this person?? any suggestions...Please understand I'm a good person I work with individuals with handicaps I am not a mean person. The daughter n and I are very different personalities, she is very stressful

Thank You,

Mel

Dear Mel,

Although it does sound like you and your boyfriend’s daughter-in-law have different personalities (and I will get back to this), the encounter to which you are speaking of isn’t really one I personally would have based any feeling towards her on. Reason being, she was being told a misrepresentation of truths by a third party (your cleaning lady), and you are assuming that she was “keeping you in the dark” regarding what the lady was saying. Sometimes people tell other people things thinking that it is somehow making them more liked, but all it is doing is causing more venom and problems to occur. And sometimes, people don’t say anything because it is none of their business and are not close enough to you to tell you what’s going on. Which is the gist of what I think happened here. I don’t think that the daughter-in-law was deliberately soaking this cleaner for information. It sounds more like the cleaner wanted to stir the pot, and was talking smack about you.

The daughter-in-law does sound like she is being defensive (I say this because generally you do not get into gossip from a cleaning lady unless something is bothering you and you need to spill that info to make a point), but why do you think she feels this way? Have you or your boyfriend ever been even the slightest bit judgmental do you think? Or maybe it could do with something her husband is saying. Maybe the comment you made (but didn’t “mean” that way) is the reason she is so defensive. Only you would know the answer to those questions. But generally (and this is generally) people do not automatically talk in the defensive unless they have something they feel they need to defend. And when it comes to the in-laws (both ways) there are millions of people in that boat.

Talking with someone who is on the defensive does become difficult, because unless the “problem” is resolved you two will always be on separate sides of the field. Having said that, there are plenty of people out there who are in this situation exactly but still manage to be civil. Which I think is the course for you to take if you seriously cannot think of a single reason why she may feel like she needs to be defensive. Being civil and not talking about her behind her back would definitely be the way to go to try and rebuild on the relationship.

I do want to point out something a little ironic from your letter though. At the bottom you state that you are a good person who works with handicapped people. Has it never crossed your mind that this defense mechanism should be treated the same way as a handicap? Many psychologists spend countless hours writing theories on this, and I happen to agree with the theory that a personality trait or reflex on memory/situation is very similar to what we would call a handicap.

To a person with paraplegia their handicap is their legs because they cannot use them in the function that they were designed for. Well in this particular situation, the defensiveness is the handicap because she cannot use her trust and actual persona in the natural non-defensive function. Just think about that for a little while and approach situations with her the same as you would a handicapped person. That will probably be much easier on you and her in the future.

In any event, dealing with a loved one’s family should always be approached with care. And I hope that you can see that the situation you had (with the cleaning lady) is done now, and you also need to move past this. Hanging on to an idea (like that she was purposely infiltrating your home for information) will gnaw and ruin any hope of you repairing the relationship you have with the daughter-in-law. So you need to let go of that before you try to be civil and move forward.

I hope that this has been helpful, and that the two of you can sort things out at least so when you are in each others presence it doesn’t feel like you are walking into a war zone.

Good luck.

~Xmichra.

Hi Mel,

In my travels on this earth, I have come across every kind. I have also figured out that there are positive and negative people as well as the energy they bring to the table and our lives. Some call them, "Physic Vampires, " a comical description of those that suck the very life force from us...if we allow it.

Silence is Golden But Duct Tape is Silver

Of course, the first thing I would tell you is to limit any interaction, wherever possible. I'm quite sure you're not hanging around with this person anyway. But in the event you must interact with her, you must own the entire situation. If she begins her negativity do your damnedest to just fall silent. Body language speaks volumes. Just look at her like you've just placed a piece of duct tape over her mouth. This will be a rather comical situation, I guarantee it, (I'm laughing just thinking about it). Yes, it's our very own lil secret.

Remember that in any and all situations, there is a huge difference between being Passive or Aggressive; You never want to be either. No, you must hone your craft of learning to be Assertive in all situations which merit it.

See, every daily interaction with someone of her caliber and you can bet your bippy that they are everywhere, often calls for an assertive stance. This is a self preservation technique/thinking process. You just don't feed into it wherever possible. Fall silent, walk away and own the situation. Have it in your mind, that you will not tolerate the negative bulls***. You must remember that you don't have to tolerate it. Now, this does not mean you need to be ignorant and always on the defense but I know for sure, it's all about body language, innuendo and assertiveness.

It sounds to me like you'd have your hands full trying to change the boyfriend's daughter-in-law. All you can really do is look out for yourself and own every single situation, interaction or conversation with this gal. Limit them, as I said but when and if you must, the very first time she lays out her string of negativity, you hold your hand up and simply state that you will not engage in her negativity trappings and walk away. Eventually, she'll catch on that you just won't and don't need all the drama.

Carry lots of duct tape, lol!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
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Emotional Blackmail

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have visited your site and really appreciate your service.

I have a real bad life problem.

I am now married for the second time. I have 2 children who I am close to from my previous marriage ages 16 and 11, that live 1500 miles away. I have a 14 month old baby with my new wife, her second marriage also.

This past spring my daughter asked to come live with my wife and I and my wife and her Mom agreed. We have her in a nice school and she is doing well. My wife told me that she doesn't want to live with my daughter any longer and need to send her back to her mother or she wants a divorce. She feels my daughter is too clingy, and I do not agree that she is that bad.

My wife is a very jealous person. She has an older son (9) that lives with us and I have to put up with a lot. She says that I knew that when I married her.

My daughter is oblivious to the situation and loves her new school and living around us. I have recently moved out with and got an apartment with my daughter. She is wealthy, so financially she is taken care of. I am tempted to now put myself aside and move back closer to my children from my previous marriage and when my daughter goes to college move back here and take care of my other daughter that will then be 7 years old. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I don't know if I should stick it out for the good of my youngest daughter. I am completely torn over this and do not know what the right thing is.

Thank you in advance.

Dave

Dear Dave,

First, before I get into anything else here thank you for being a good dad to your kids. Choosing to stick by your daughter instead of your second wife is something she will never forget, and regardless on if she knows of the full situation she will later reflect on this and figure out how hard that was for you. I can’t say weather moving or not moving would make your situation any better or worse for the kids involved. I wish I could, but this decision has to come from you, you know the situation a lot better than I do and you will know what can be done. I can say that from what you have written, if this were me, I would not move. You have said that your daughter is enrolled in a great school and she is excelling. Your other child (sorry you didn’t say boy or girl) has the choice (I assume) to move in with you if he should choose but is staying with your first wife. Your second daughter isn’t old enough to voice an opinion, but as a baby requires a lot more attention on your part. So, given that, I would stay put because that seems like the logical step and better for the kids right now. This is just my opinion (to stay where you are) but really why would you pull your daughter from a good school and her “new” life and disrupt the life of the baby when you don’t have too. You obviously thought about the decision to bring your daughter to live with you and considered her being away from her sibling and mom before doing this. Now I feel the best run of course is to make good on that course, and let your daughter finish her schooling there. Of course this can change with the dynamics of your relationships to the mothers. But in all seriousness, you owe it to your kids to be a good father. And this is what you are trying to do under hard circumstances. I hope that what ever you choose that you still remain close to your children. I know this must be a very difficult situation and it is apparent that you love all of your kids.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra~ Dear Dave,

It's extremely disheartening to hear that your wife wants a divorce if she doesn't get her way. That's what it boils down to; Emotional Blackmail. It's wrong and I find myself on the defensive fence because of it.

I've stated in past posts, that things that go on in our marriage can only be or happen if we allow it. What I'm referring to is the simple fact that sometimes you must stand your ground and state what you will permit and what you will not tolerate. I will say it again,

"In this life, while it is very important for people to know what we stand for, quite often it is equally important for them to know, without a doubt, exactly what we will not stand for."

I know it takes all kinds to make this world go round; the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm just trying to ascertain which category to place your wife in? I'm having real difficulty with a woman who would place you between a rock and a hard place because your child is too clingy? It all actually burns my butt and I'm having to work at staying objective here.

Since I am a proponent, a true advocate of marriage and have firm *beliefs that marriage should be taken seriously, I will suggest that you both go to counseling.

The reality of all this is that your first reaction to this scenario would, of course be anger. The next would probably be the emotions involved, that you felt, as you walked out the door, moving into a new apartment. The natural reaction would be to run like hell, dragging your daughter away from that wicked step-mother of hers. But what is the answer here?

I think you must stand up to your wife. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and insist on what you will and will not tolerate. Her behavior is that of a bully and you allowed it.

I realize there are always three sides to every story;

"Yours, Hers and the cold hard facts."

So, I do and will welcome her to write me and explain how and why she would think it's a legitimate thing to do, basically kicking your daughter to the curb, figuratively speaking, of course. I think it is very unfair for your wife to place you in such a position, which is exactly what she has done, where you have to choose between her or your own daughter. I know which I would choose...

My last suggestion is for you to copy and print this post, mail it to her and then she'll see that, we're calling her on the carpet over this one. She can't/won't get away with this without all the world being able to see her for just what she is; selfish and unscrupulous.

Bada Bing Bada Boom!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


*I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. I do not believe in luck, coincidence or magic but only Divine Destiny. As well, I also believe that every single person we meet is placed there in our own Divine Destiny, a destiny/plan/map that God alone has placed us in our journey through this life. We meet and marry because God has placed this person in our lives for a reason.

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