Dear Aunt B,
my husband and I are celebrating our 1st anniversary in June. We have been having problems b/c I have been having issues that are sensitive to discuss with him. I have a stepdaughter I have never met before and I want to be a good stepmom. The problem is that I have been having issues about children ever since I was in a relationship where a man cheated and had a child with someone else. Before that happened I loved kids. But now whenever my husband and in-laws talk about his child I become withdrawn and upset. I don't just act this way toward his child but kids in general neices nephews the whole lot. My husband and I once dicussed if we wanted children (he is fixed). I don't know if I hate children b/c I don't have one or what. and I don't know how to discuss this with my husband without upsetting him or making him defensive. I want to do the right thing but don't know the first step! Help!
I don't know but the natural thing to feel here may very well be a clear cut resentment towards children. Every time a child or thought of one is presented, is it possible that it brings you back to what was done to you by your ex's indiscretion? If this is the case, you must begin to calm yourself and rationalize each and every scenario.
First allow me to point out to you that it is your prerogative to not like children. There are many people who run the gambit concerning their feelings towards child. Some have pure loathing, some a less figurative terminology when speaking of those lil' rug-rats. So, you're in good company.
The point may be however, that you desire not to feel this way as you want to be a good Stepmother, right? Well. in order for you to do this you'll have to make an effort to put all things into perspective for yourself.
I always say that life is all about perspective and how we view things. In the first place, you've yet to meet your new husbands daughter. All humor aside, let's hope she's more like her father, the man you love, than more like her mother...the woman he fell out of love with for obvious reasons. Get the picture? So, if she's a lot like her Daddy, you're sure to like her.
I think the important thing for you to here is to really look at WHY you have these feelings? Then, I'd ask you if they are reasonable and fair? If for any given reason, it comes from a place of resentment, I suggest again, that you begin to put it all in order, all into perspective.
It's like this; once you meet his daughter, you must tell yourself that this young lady can not help coming from his past but she's clearly a part of his past as well as his present. Once you've looked at that, maybe you can cut her a break and give her a chance. Again, after all is said and done, she can not help being a product of a past relationship.
Furthermore, do yourself a favor and remember that it is your prerogative to have an over all tainted view of children. I say this only to validate your feelings and emotion. Once you've really looked at the emotions behind these feelings, I'll hope you'll work at taking each and every scenario to heart in an effort to make it work and you'll put your best foot forward.
Keeping It Real,