Dear Aunt B,
I have a situation that I am not so sure how to approach.
I have met a women on a dating site after talking for several months
about 4 years ago.
She lives in another state 4 hours away. She is divorced, has 2 children
from her marriage that are in their early twenties.
She also has a 8 year old from a past relationship after her marriage
was in the divorce stages.
All of her children I have came to know. Her littlest the 8 year old
boy has become attached to me and we seem to hit
it off very well. Our friendship has developed into more of a
girlfriend/boyfriend type of situation. She has had plans to move in
with me with her
8 year son. She has even enrolled her son into the school system in my
city. The little boys father never was involved with this child and my
girlfriend said that she has given him every opportunity to build a
relationship with him, even as going as far to have a lawyer go to court
to give him
legal rights to see this child. The father has many reasons in the past
to not be consistent with this little boy. As far as I can see what she
says seems to
be true. Now that my girlfriend made the arrangements for her and her
son to be with me the child's father has decided to exercise his rights.
From what I understand from her this can happen any time - Even if
something isn't true he can go to court for whatever reason and the
court has to act upon
whatever he says then make a decision. So for the time being my
girlfriends 2 little dogs and some furniture, most of her & sons
clothing, games, tv's etc are at my house
because she was to be living with me. For the time being she is living
at her mother's while her 8 year old has to go to school until some of
the matters are
straightened out in the courts. This has been going on since last summer
of 2009. My girlfriends oldest son (She has a girl & boy) from her
marriage has come to stay with me until
he goes back to school in February of 2010. because he doesn't get along
with his father for whatever the reasons.
Well in the meantime I have done a google search of my girlfriends email
I don't know why but I just did - something made me do it.We are always
on the phone because I miss her and she says she misses me.
The Google search turned up to my surprise on a dating site. My girl
always tells me that she misses and loves me that it hurts when we are
So I logged onto the website and put my girlfriends email address into
the user name and a nickname that I called her popped up. So I just
password (I would have to guess it - Wouldn't you know) and in popped
her information. So come to find out she has viewed several members and also
has a direct IM with 1 of the members on the web site. This member
happens to have a erotic user name.
So what do I do now - keep my mouth shut! Let things be whatever they
are or do I approach her ask her why she is on a singles site if she
wants to be with me.
Recently she has told me she would be interested in getting married so I
am a little bit confused and not sure of how to handle addressing this.
I recently lost my mother and have been taking care of her for almost 7
years so I have had my bit of stress nothing in my life has been easy.
Now this is in front of me without my mom's problems I am SHAKEN.
Loosing my mom now this!
I am a firm believer in the art of "Intuitiveness," something I consider a gift given to me long ago. In fact, any time I've ever been in any sort of trouble, I was told by that "small still voice" not to do it, whatever it may be. You know, that something I was warned about to not do but I did anyway. And many times I paid for my stubbornness and for not listening.
You also have The Gift but you keep yelling at it to shut up. Do you not?
On a personal note, before I even got to this part of your letter...
"Well in the meantime I have done a google search of my girlfriends emailaddress.I don't know why but I just did - something made me do it.We are alwayson the phone because I miss her and she says she misses me.The Google search turned up to my surprise on a dating site. My girlalways tells me that she misses and loves me that it hurts when we arenot together..."
...I felt something was amiss, just not right. And now...I'm counting on you beginning to listen to that small still voice that resonates within, deep in the marrow of your very being. It has been warning you for quite some time but you've been telling yourself, "Oh no, this can't be true because she tells me she misses and loves me that it hurts when we are not together."
Allow me to point out to you the obvious; If you'd not had that gut feeling you've been having that there's been some shenanigans going on you'd have not been doing the Google search. You'd not have delved as far as you did if you felt things were on the up and up. Don't you agree?
My suggestion to you, my friend is to call her on as much as you can without revealing all your sources. It basically comes down to addressing the issues of trust. And more importantly to express in conversation, somehow, someway that we do to others only what we want done to ourselves. In other words; she needs to shit or get off the pot, stop using her ex, the father of her children as a put off. More imperative to your well being, she needs to define, in the NOW just what your relationship is, where it's going and what it will be.
Again, tell her to shit or get off the pot.
Keeping It Real,