Instant Gratification

Dear Aunt B,

hi, my name is Travis and i have an issue with my girlfriend's parents. first, i should explain how things are. she will be 16 in april. and i just turned 19 in december. her parents already are uneasy about us dating. we've been dating now for almost 8 months. at first we could see eachother 3 times a week, and i was happy with that. lately its been 2 days a week. her parents say its because things have gotten busy, but her mom, her, and i all know its just her step dad feeling threatened that he is gonna lose her. it happened with another one of my girlfriend's friends from up north. anyway, they feel we talk way too much. we txt eachother every day, and call for maybe an hour at night before she goes to bed. we dont txt a lot during the day because she has school and i have work. but we do when we're both out. to be honest, shes about the only one i txt. i see everyone else i talk to more often. either at work or around town. but her parents have cracked down on us and made us break up once because they felt we were "getting too close" but after that settled down we got back together and things were good. then her parents had this thing where they felt she was txting too much during school. which i might have gotten 5 txts from her all day while she there. and she doesnt txt but one other person during school besides me. so now she just doesnt txt during school. that solved that. after that, they complained about how we call eachother at 3 in the morning "all the time". i always told her if she couldnt sleep and needed someone to talk to for whatever reason, she could call me, no matter what time it was. she called me once when her parents werent home because she was scared about something and i talked her through it. that was the only time. but to make them happy. she shuts her phone off at night, and it sets out on the kitchen counter. and now, its just that we talk too much in general. that we're always txting and always on the phone with each other. and when her phone gets shut off at 9 that she gets online and talks with me til midnight. true, she does get online after her phone gets turned off. but she is usually offline by 10 and in bed. its only been the past 2 nights that she has been up later than that. and its because she is having a hard time sleeping because of cramps and what not. so she takes something to help her fall asleep and she says the computer screen in the dark makes her sleepy. so i talk to her online until she feels like she can. but her parents dont care what the reason is. they just feel we talk too much and are saying that unless we fix it, theyre gonna make us break up and not allow her to see or talk to me at all. we've already decided on a plan to make them happy, but this whole thing is beginning to really stress the both of us out. it shows in her school work and in my performance at work. what do you think we should do?

Dear Reader:

I want to level with you. I am a parent of two girls that have not reached the teenaged years yet, but I am dreading all the complexities because it is so hard as a parent to see beyond what *we* think is ultimately good for our children, and to give them the leeway to figure some things out for themselves. So, in this area, I try to be very open minded so that I don’t always get caught up in what *I* think all the time.

With that in mind, I can’t explain this to you other than bluntly: you need to respect her parents’ wishes. She will make the choice on what she is willing to do or not do, and you in turn need to figure out if dealing with the situation at hand is worth the relationship. Personally, I’d think that at your age you have a good idea as to the give and take a relationship requires. But that is based on my own experiences, and may not be applicable to you..

The basic idea here is that her parents want her to concentrate on school, family, and then social life. Which isn’t right or wrong, it’s just the way it is. By your own account, she is respecting their wishes (turning over the cell phone at night, not texting through the day) and it would seem to me that indicates that she is a pretty good kid, and wants to do right by her parents. So it would be pretty unfair for you to ask her to go against her parents request, because in following the rules as they are set out, she is actively making a choice.

The relationship between a parent and a child does change when the child reaches the teen years, and even more so when becoming a young adult.. And typically, parents do get more over protective and more preach-y. But I don’t think that they are wrong here.... and I’ve somewhat outlined why already, but I will say it in a sentence or two here. Your girlfriend has already made the choice to abide by her parents wishes, her parents want her to focus on more than just her social life, and you and she do need to map things out a bit better so that the relationship works for everyone.

We didn’t have cell phones when I was a teenager (and it wasn’t all that long ago!), but I can fully understand the want of the parents to halt communication. Not because you two are doing anything wrong. But because constant real-time communication doesn’t let a person unwind and relax into their own space. Just think about it, when was the last time you turned off your phone and just relaxed? Sure, you can relax sitting on the couch watching TV, reading a book, whatever it is you like. But in say... an hour... how many times did you check for a message, or IM a friend??? I would be willing to bet money you did. And why? Because that is the world we live in now. Constant and instant gratification through communication. And knowing what we know as parents (or people over 30 in general), we know that you can’t become yourself without time to be yourself. And it is a parents worst nightmare to think we have failed, by not giving our kids what they need. Even if it looks like we are the bad guys.

Okay, I got a little off track of the point here, but I am sure you get what I am saying. She is 16, a student, and still has rules to live by. Regardless of what you can or cannot do, you need to realise that she is not in the same stage of life as you are, and need to let her be 16. That includes having parental guidance, and respecting the way their family dynamic is. Plain and simple.

I hope you two can figure out something to make it all work, for everyone involved.

~Xmichra.


Dear Reader,

Personally I feel the majority of the problem is in the contact ( in whatever form) (probably in the Step Dads mind). Let's face it. Most people are freaked out by some one over 18 dating someone that isn't (16).

Yes, its probably just being over protective . I don't know the laws of whatever state you live in, but it could get ugly if there's a statutory rape law of some sort in your state. I know it's bullshit. I believe age is just a number , but people are going to be leery of the whole relationship, simply due to her age .

I'm Most Definitely NOT Judging . I'm saying do what you think the True , Responsible , Realistic thing is. I wish you much luck man , & Hope everything falls into place for you.

Blessings & Bliss ,

Lee

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Your Prerogative

Dear Aunt B,

my husband and I are celebrating our 1st anniversary in June. We have been having problems b/c I have been having issues that are sensitive to discuss with him. I have a stepdaughter I have never met before and I want to be a good stepmom. The problem is that I have been having issues about children ever since I was in a relationship where a man cheated and had a child with someone else. Before that happened I loved kids. But now whenever my husband and in-laws talk about his child I become withdrawn and upset. I don't just act this way toward his child but kids in general neices nephews the whole lot. My husband and I once dicussed if we wanted children (he is fixed). I don't know if I hate children b/c I don't have one or what. and I don't know how to discuss this with my husband without upsetting him or making him defensive. I want to do the right thing but don't know the first step! Help!


Dear Help!,

I don't know but the natural thing to feel here may very well be a clear cut resentment towards children. Every time a child or thought of one is presented, is it possible that it brings you back to what was done to you by your ex's indiscretion? If this is the case, you must begin to calm yourself and rationalize each and every scenario.

First allow me to point out to you that it is your prerogative to not like children. There are many people who run the gambit concerning their feelings towards child. Some have pure loathing, some a less figurative terminology when speaking of those lil' rug-rats. So, you're in good company.

The point may be however, that you desire not to feel this way as you want to be a good Stepmother, right? Well. in order for you to do this you'll have to make an effort to put all things into perspective for yourself.

I always say that life is all about perspective and how we view things. In the first place, you've yet to meet your new husbands daughter. All humor aside, let's hope she's more like her father, the man you love, than more like her mother...the woman he fell out of love with for obvious reasons. Get the picture? So, if she's a lot like her Daddy, you're sure to like her.

I think the important thing for you to here is to really look at WHY you have these feelings? Then, I'd ask you if they are reasonable and fair? If for any given reason, it comes from a place of resentment, I suggest again, that you begin to put it all in order, all into perspective.

It's like this; once you meet his daughter, you must tell yourself that this young lady can not help coming from his past but she's clearly a part of his past as well as his present. Once you've looked at that, maybe you can cut her a break and give her a chance. Again, after all is said and done, she can not help being a product of a past relationship.

Furthermore, do yourself a favor and remember that it is your prerogative to have an over all tainted view of children. I say this only to validate your feelings and emotion. Once you've really looked at the emotions behind these feelings, I'll hope you'll work at taking each and every scenario to heart in an effort to make it work and you'll put your best foot forward.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

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The Gift

Dear Aunt B,

Hi,

I have a situation that I am not so sure how to approach.

I have met a women on a dating site after talking for several months

about 4 years ago.

She lives in another state 4 hours away. She is divorced, has 2 children

from her marriage that are in their early twenties.

She also has a 8 year old from a past relationship after her marriage

was in the divorce stages.

All of her children I have came to know. Her littlest the 8 year old

boy has become attached to me and we seem to hit

it off very well. Our friendship has developed into more of a

girlfriend/boyfriend type of situation. She has had plans to move in

with me with her

8 year son. She has even enrolled her son into the school system in my

city. The little boys father never was involved with this child and my

girlfriend said that she has given him every opportunity to build a

relationship with him, even as going as far to have a lawyer go to court

to give him

legal rights to see this child. The father has many reasons in the past

to not be consistent with this little boy. As far as I can see what she

says seems to

be true. Now that my girlfriend made the arrangements for her and her

son to be with me the child's father has decided to exercise his rights.

From what I understand from her this can happen any time - Even if

something isn't true he can go to court for whatever reason and the

court has to act upon

whatever he says then make a decision. So for the time being my

girlfriends 2 little dogs and some furniture, most of her & sons

clothing, games, tv's etc are at my house

because she was to be living with me. For the time being she is living

at her mother's while her 8 year old has to go to school until some of

the matters are

straightened out in the courts. This has been going on since last summer

of 2009. My girlfriends oldest son (She has a girl & boy) from her

marriage has come to stay with me until

he goes back to school in February of 2010. because he doesn't get along

with his father for whatever the reasons.

Well in the meantime I have done a google search of my girlfriends email

address.

I don't know why but I just did - something made me do it.We are always

on the phone because I miss her and she says she misses me.

The Google search turned up to my surprise on a dating site. My girl

always tells me that she misses and loves me that it hurts when we are

not together.

So I logged onto the website and put my girlfriends email address into

the user name and a nickname that I called her popped up. So I just

tried her

password (I would have to guess it - Wouldn't you know) and in popped

her information. So come to find out she has viewed several members and also

has a direct IM with 1 of the members on the web site. This member

happens to have a erotic user name.

So what do I do now - keep my mouth shut! Let things be whatever they

are or do I approach her ask her why she is on a singles site if she

wants to be with me.

Recently she has told me she would be interested in getting married so I

am a little bit confused and not sure of how to handle addressing this.

I recently lost my mother and have been taking care of her for almost 7

years so I have had my bit of stress nothing in my life has been easy.

Now this is in front of me without my mom's problems I am SHAKEN.

Loosing my mom now this!

Thank You!

J.

Dear J.,
I am a firm believer in the art of "Intuitiveness," something I consider a gift given to me long ago. In fact, any time I've ever been in any sort of trouble, I was told by that "small still voice" not to do it, whatever it may be. You know, that something I was warned about to not do but I did anyway. And many times I paid for my stubbornness and for not listening.

You also have The Gift but you keep yelling at it to shut up. Do you not?

On a personal note, before I even got to this part of your letter...

"Well in the meantime I have done a google search of my girlfriends email

address.

I don't know why but I just did - something made me do it.We are always

on the phone because I miss her and she says she misses me.

The Google search turned up to my surprise on a dating site. My girl

always tells me that she misses and loves me that it hurts when we are

not together..."

...I felt something was amiss, just not right. And now...I'm counting on you beginning to listen to that small still voice that resonates within, deep in the marrow of your very being. It has been warning you for quite some time but you've been telling yourself, "Oh no, this can't be true because she tells me she misses and loves me that it hurts when we are not together."

Allow me to point out to you the obvious; If you'd not had that gut feeling you've been having that there's been some shenanigans going on you'd have not been doing the Google search. You'd not have delved as far as you did if you felt things were on the up and up. Don't you agree?

My suggestion to you, my friend is to call her on as much as you can without revealing all your sources. It basically comes down to addressing the issues of trust. And more importantly to express in conversation, somehow, someway that we do to others only what we want done to ourselves. In other words; she needs to shit or get off the pot, stop using her ex, the father of her children as a put off. More imperative to your well being, she needs to define, in the NOW just what your relationship is, where it's going and what it will be.

Again, tell her to shit or get off the pot.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

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