Expensive Endeavor

Dear Aunt Babz,

I'm 14, i have met someone on-line...i feel love for him.
It may not be all real love but still i have never felt this way about anyone before. I would do anything for him. He is allowed to visit me in my country
My parents will not let me see him...i cry...no matter how much i say no danger will happenn they assume the worst. I cant see a way to make them think other wise..please help me..?
I beg.



Dear Anonymous,

A few things that you have not mentioned in your e-mail are picking at the back of my head. You don’t mention how old this other person is, and given that you are only 14 this is a BIG point to omit. I am guessing that he is much older though, otherwise how would he have the funds to visit you “in your country”. That is an expensive endeavor no matter if the countries are not far apart.

So, given that, I will advise you the way that I would hope my daughter would precede should this situation happen to her.

I would suggest that if this person is of your age group, to ask your parents to meet with him as well as you. Making the meetings with your parents will help to alleviate their fears, and will maintain a safe environment for you. Most parents wouldn’t let their 14 year old daughter out without meeting the boy; this is the job of a parent to ensure the safety of their child. They are not being overbearing in this, try to understand they love you and want nothing wrong to happen. Chaperoned visits for the first little while wouldn’t hurt. This decision may not be made because the person you wish to meet as a boyfriend is from the internet, but because at the age of 14, a parent wants to know the people their child associates with. I know when I was growing up my mom insisted on knowing who I was hanging around with, and with my first boyfriend all get-togethers were at either his place or mine, chaperoned by either set of parents. They would give us space in the house after the first few dates, but they wanted to know that we were being sensible, while also “measuring up” the person we were with.

I would also advise you to not meet with this person alone. No matter what the feelings you have for him, you should never put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. You may know him very well, and he may not be dangerous at all. BUT, being cautious is never a bad idea, and is far better to be safe than sorry.

Now, if this guy is much older than you (and he may be lying to you about his age. Not something that you want to hear, but you need to be realistic here) I would hope that you realise your parents worry is very warranted. Age does matter significantly when you are 14, try to understand the worry that comes when an adult is courting your teen-aged daughter. Put on top of that that he is not from your area, and is chatting with you on-line, it is a rational worry. And you should most definitely play it safe.

There are millions of stories out there to make us fear meeting with people from the web, but the ones that have “happy endings” also have caution to guide them. You can ask anyone who has met a person from the net, that they met in a very neutral place with safe guards in place. And, for the most part, these people (who have had a good outcome) are adults. You need to realize that you are still very young, there are predators out there, and you need to be careful.

Please talk to your parents, ask them if they would be willing to meet with your internet friend. Tell them that you respect their wishes, but would still like to just meet this guy, and you know that meeting him with your parents would be the safe and amicable solution.

Your parents may or may not agree to this meeting, but what do you have to lose? Ultimately you need to try and understand that your parents are trying to protect you. Listen to them, try to talk to them, and stay safe.

Good luck, and let us know what your parents decided.

~Xmichra.

Virtual Scorecard

Hi Aunt B,

I am 14 and I really like this guy he's so cute. He wants to have sex and when we go places he always wants me to go some place else and he tries to fool around. I told him no but he just smiles and feels me up and stuff. I laugh but I am nervous really bad. I worry he will get me in a place. I worry he will push me to have sex. What can I say to him or tell him. I am scared and really worried cause I don't have birth control. I think I love him and I don't want him to leave me for some girl who will do it. What can I do?I tried to find some things you might have wrote about it but couldn't find it. I wish you were my Mom cause I'd be able to talk to you. My Mom will only yell at me. I need your help please? Is mb3 a guy? Is he cute or your son? I think he's a guy right? Maybe he can tell me? I hope so and I thank you aunt b. I know you are busy and all but I hope you can find time to write for me.

Chianna



Dear Chianna,

Hi, how are you? Well, first thing, don't go anywhere with him alone, I mean where there are no people. Also, don't let him force you into anything you're not comfortable doing. He needs to respect that. He needs to respect you saying no. But you know, there are plenty of guys out there that will respect your desires. They will not try to force you into anything. This guy sounds like he just wants sex, not so much a relationship. You can do better than him, and you deserve better than him. I know it will be hard losing him, and I know it will be hard seeing him with somebody else, but do you really want to be with somebody that doesn't respect you? Somebody that seems to only want to be with you for sex? I mean, you deserve somebody who will respect you. And, yes I am a guy. I think I'm pretty cute :), and no, I'm not Aunt B's son. But I do hope to have helped a bit, take care. Peace. mb3

Dear Chianna,

I thank you for writing and I do apologize for the delay. I hope nothing has happened since you first wrote to me.Somehow your letter was deleted and I happened to find it while I was looking for another thing I deleted.

I only have a couple things to say on top of what mb3 has already stated. First, just to let you know that most guys, especially in the teen years, well all they do is think about sex. A study showed that men think of sex at least every 90 minutes. I've not read about teen young men but I'd be willing to bet it's more often than that.

However, just because they think about it does not mean that you must give in to their advances. Now, I'm not saying your guy is like this but a lot of guys have a virtual scorecard as to how many chicks they can sleep with. They sleep with them and toss them to the side. Don't be one of those on the scorecard.

Believe it or not, a lot of those guys will bed you down and the reason they toss you to the side is for several reasons. Most of them immediately lose respect for you. Yea, now they see you as easy, a slut, just another score on that card. Sex is overrated and once it's done it's done, meaning once you've allowed it to happen you can never take it back or the experience.

Your first time with a man should be a memorable event. It should be where you've made love not made sex like a wild gorilla. And there is a distinct difference between making love and having sex.

More importantly, every time you sleep with some guy, even with a condom on, you take the chance of several things happening; getting pregnant, getting a disease, getting a reputation. So what I am saying is that you hold out and hold on to your rep. If he can't wait and respect your wishes to wait, first to get to a place where you know it's love, if he can't respect how you feel, he's just another punk on the make.
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Fight Potion #7

Dear Aunt B,

There is this girl, Samantha, 2 grades below me and she seriously hates me. Okay so this is how it all started: I was going out with this guy named connor, and she liked him at the same time. I wasn't obsessed with connor, but idk i guess i liked him. So she was determined to break us up. So she created this ridiculous and embarassing text message about me and showed it to him when she was hanging out with him and a bunch of people at the movies. Apparently he didn't believe it because thats what he told me. Samantha is friends with my friends so i dont know what to so, like should i do something back? Should i ignore her? And apparently she wants to "fight" me. I dont fight because i dont think it solves anything i dont feel like being at war with this 12 year old. She has connections to some pretty scary people and i dont want to get involved with her. And her friend Chynna is going out with my best friend Nick. She also hates me, because she thinks i like Nick, which i dont. So there are two girls, again both younger than me that hate me and idk what they are going to do next, what should i do?




Hey There,

Oh no, she shouldn't hate you! Hate's not cool! Well, first thing, yeah, don't fight her. Kids these days, and you said she's got some scary connections, if you fight her, she's going to bring her little clique with her and they'll most likely jump in against you. And plus, she's two grade's younger than you, that's not going to look good for you no matter what. And plus, like you said, fighting doesn't really solve anything. Well, you said she's 12, and two grades younger than you. So I'm guessing she's in about 7th grade, and you're in 9th?

IF you two go to the same school right now, and I don't know that you do, but if you do, you two will likely be at different schools soon. But that's in the long run, for now, there's still quite a ways left in school. And, people forget things. And if/when it gets proven that she made up those text messages, and you say it doesn't bother you, then she comes out to be the mean person in this. Of course she'll deny it, but for one thing the pressure will be on her when people start asking her about it, and she'll get caught up in one of her lies eventually. You see what I'm saying? And meanwhile, while she's trying to explain to people why she lied, you won't have any explaining to do about anything, because you never did anything wrong in the first place (ie starting rumors about her, fighting, etc;).

That's another thing, don't start rumors about her either. That doesn't turn out well ever. And for the rumors that she started, I already said how people will forget about them. But also, as long as your good friends know the truth about you, it's not as bad if the people that believe these rumors are people you don't even know.

You're not going out with Connor anymore right? Well, you can't do anything about it, but she should really apologize, but it's not like you can force her to. And plus, if you don't even go out with him anymore, I don't get why she would want to fight you still. I know that it's frusterating that she created the rumor about you with her text message, but really there's nothing much you can do about it. You said Samantha hates you, and that's a life lesson kind of, because no matter what, not everybody's going to like you, even if it's just for the sake of not liking you.

There's really nothing you can do about her creating that text, because she already created it. If/when somebody asks you about it, you tell the truth, and that's that she made it up. It will pass over time though, I promise :). And for your friend Nick and his girl Chynna; Unfortunatly she'll bad mouth you to Nick, that's inevitable.

But a couple different things this could work out good for you. One is that since you and Nick are best friends, she'll bad mouth you enough to him that he'll get sick of her talking bad about his best friend (you) and dump her, especially if you don't constantly talk bad about her. And two is, well, he's your best friend, so he shouldn't ever turn on you and leave with her. As long as you and Nick know there's nothing between you two, then you should be ok. And maybe just try to be cool with Chynna, talk to her, maybe you'll get along.

Ok, the last thing you wrote was that you're concerned about what they might do next. That's tough because people are unpredictable. There is no reason for them to do anything. Especially Samantha, because you're not with Conner anymore (right?). If you are afraid of what they'll do, there's no shame in going to your parents, and telling them that you're a little frightened, the only problem there is if kids find out, then they'll possibly give you a hard time. Which is unfortunate, but kids can be cruel.

I would suggest not trying to fight them or anything, don't do anything that would give them a reason to want to do something to you. They're a couple years younger than you so I'm thinking if you just try to ignore them, they might forget about you. Of course, not Chynna, since she thinks you like Nick. You are still entitled to hang out with him, because you are friends, but just try to avoid Chynna and Samantha, don't look scared, but just avoid them. My only fear is you said they hang out with some dangerous people, and kids these days hang out with big groups and think they're tough, so they gang up on people, and I don't want them to gang up on you. My best advice is just to avoid them the best you can, and as long as your best friends know the truth, I wouldn't worry about what a bunch of other people think.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you any better advice on the last part, and I'm really sorry that Samantha made up rumors about you, I really hope it all works out for you! I hope I was able to help you out, at least a little, and I wish you the best of luck! Peace.

mb3


Dear Friend,

I agree with mb3 on many levels. He has given you some great advice, the very best is to avoid them as much as possible, as well, as taking the stance that you as well as your BF's know the truth and that's all that really matters.

Nothing gets around better than word of mouth. This is true in big business advertising as well as personal matters. You start spreading the news that you are, "too mature to be reduced to fighting some girl." See, by stating this, someone who still dwells on fighting will have to think to themselves, "Hey, am I acting maturely about this?"

I was a fighter in school. I never started them, only finished the fight. So, I know all about all the bull that goes along with some chick who goes around trying to solve her issues with fear. You just have to get the word out that "you have better things to do with your time than to fight some chick who is obviously bored with her life and must create chaos to jazz it up."

Those exact words, must be used. They are my very own Fight Potion #7 and I can just about guarantee they'll work as well as Love Potion #9


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Nip It In the Bud

hello aunt b,

my boyfriend is always getting mad at me he thinks im cheating on him and every time i go out with my family he says that im going out with some other boy and it pains me to hear this cuz i don't want him to think that about me. i need to know if this sounds like he loves me or not?

sincerely,

broken hearted



Dear Broken Hearted,

Nip this behavior in the bud now or forever put up with it. OK, it's like this; he may have been burned in a past relationship? If he has, he needs to be reminded that you are not her. You need to express to him how badly this makes you feel, badly enough for you to write me, huh? If you've done nothing and given him no good reason not to trust you, then he needs to do one of two things; keep his baggage/trust issues to himself or give you at least the chance to prove him wrong.

Again, if you've never done anything to make him suspect, why is he treating you like this? You need to ask him? You also need to explain to him that it is not fair to you to be treated as he has. I warn you that most guys who act that this are very controlling. For him to act all weird even when you are going with your family, well, it's just not normal and he needs to look at his behavior.

Sit down and talk to him and find out exactly why he is so untrustworthy. But you must assert and make it very clear to him that you can not and you will not continue in a relationship where, for no good reason, he treats you as if you've done something wrong.

Now, here's the kicker; if you can not sit him down and talk to him about all this, if you are fearful that it will upset him if you mention it and if you feel that you can not talk to him and get to the bottom and the root of this whole situation...
you do not have a healthy relationship.

You must be able to talk about everything, including what his issues are that make him feel why he does. You must have trust in every relationship. If it is not there and you are being constantly accused, eventually, if it were me, I'd get real tired of defending myself and resentments would build.

Don't go another minute in a relationship and not make your feelings heard. See, trust is something we give as a gift to those we love. We trust them to love us, to be mindful of our feelings and emotions, we trust them to treat us as they'd want to be treated. We must give this gift freely and where there is no trust there in lies chaos, paranoia and pain.

Love and trust go hand in hand. You make sure you give him no reason to not trust you, like don't be flirtatious and don't place yourself in any situation that you would not want him to be in as well, i.e., going to a party or the beach, you know, any place you wouldn't want him to go without you.

If you go out with your family and you are doing nothing wrong, he's being weird and it's not right. Nip it in the bud!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


Hi Broken Hearted,

Your boyfriend gets mad at you because he thinks your cheating on him when you're not? Well he shouldn't be doing that, he definitely needs to learn to trust you. You should tell him he needs to learn to trust you. Honestly, I can't tell you if that sounds like he loves you or not. I don't know enough to say whether or not he loves you. He really shouldn't get mad at you based on what he thinks, especially because he's incorrect with what he thinks. I don't like that he gets mad at you over that though. I will tell you, to me it does not sound like he does not love you, it just sounds more like he has trust issues that he should work on. But I think that he just needs to learn to trust you, and not get mad, and you'll be good!

I hope I have helped you out, a little bit at least. I hope it all works out for you for the best.

mb3

Do Over

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi and I'm 13 and am having problems with my mom

QUESTION me and my mom r arguing alot and i have an attitude problem and i realize that but its wasting alot of time but no matter how hard i try and not to act smart i just blow up and talk back with an attitude and there we go wasting time arguing about the silliest things but its just not every now and then its every day what do i do????

i have another question

i'm starting to think im addicted to being online but i have no idea how to stop its my outlet from the ? above and my parents divorce do u have any ideas on how to stop?

Dear Reader,

Well, realizing there's a problem, in the situation, is already half the battle. The other half would be for you to reign in your emotions and begin to be responsible for the things you say.

With maturity comes that responsibility, you know, to keep yourself in check. You're already ahead of the program because you are looking for a solution and the very fact that you've written looking for help, in the whole scenario, speaks volumes as to your maturity. I have met countless adults who can't even look at themselves in the mirror and be honest, as you obviously are trying to do. I give you credit for this.

Now, what can you do, when it comes to keeping those emotions in check and not giving attitude to your Mom?

First and foremost, I see that you are stubborn beyond reason, huh? I mean, you have a hard time being told what to do. As well, you do not like to be wrong about anything, at least in front of anybody. I do realize that you react, go off, say things you shouldn't, talk back and you can be rather sassy. The good part in this is that when it's all said and done, you do sit back and think about it. You do reason as to whether you were right or wrong. And of course, you are actually sorry, especially when it comes to your Mom, right?

When I was a kid, we had a game and when we wiped the slate clean, in a proverbial manner, we called it a "Do Over."

I will personally give you a Do Over, right here, right now. From this moment on, you will learn to think before you speak. The wisest of wise, do not run off at the mouth. No, they think before they speak and are known for those words. "You will say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean." This is my Creed, the very words, I myself, try to live by. I am fallible but the difference between me and the average Joe, is that I try to be a better person, I try to bridle my tongue and most of all, I hold myself accountable for my actions. I realized that for years, I made excuse for my behaviors. In example;

Let's say that a person steals from the store. That person may tell themselves that they don't have the money for the item that they really want, so they'll just take it. Now, they've lied to themselves and begin to believe that they have a Sense of Entitlement. (That link is an excellent example, check it out.) It is quite involved, this sense of entitlement gig but it happens all the time. Instead of seeing that they don't have a right to take anything, they might simply try to explain it away. See, actually, they should have realized that;

#1 You must only do what you want done to you
#2 They wouldn't like someone to take something of theirs
#3 If we all just took what we wanted, there would be Wild West mayhem


The point being, you must not lie to yourself and examine your actions, especially when you feel they are wrong or in question. You clearly have this ability to deduce situations and assign an understanding of how you should behave. That is called "moral fiber." You have it and hopefully you will continue to keep it ingrained, deep within your psyche. It is one of your most valuable attributes.

Now, I've kind of veered off the issue here but in the situation with your Mom, you must learn that she tells you things, most likely, for your own good. Never be a know it all. I was and damn if I didn't have to learn all things the hard way. Once I began to realize that in fact I did not know it all, it was then and only then that I really began to learn. And not the hard way.

Learn to be wrong. It takes the bigger person to admit that they are wrong but to do the right thing. Sometimes it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, to admit when you are wrong. Understand? Meaning, you will begin to respect yourself, when you can admit your error. Respecting yourself is the key to being a good human being.In turn, when you respect yourself for doing the right thing, for living right, people in turn, will also respect you.

As well, when you don't talk trash, you don't just run at the mouth but you weigh your words first, people will sit up and listen because they know that you think before you speak.

I notice that you have more self-control than you even realize. Awareness of a problem, even in addiction, for example, (*The 12 Steps) the First Step is admitting we have a problem. You have done this, concerning the thing with your Mom and with the Internet.

I suppose you need to be aware of your Internet usage and possibly limit BS and if you must use it as a means of entertainment, I would begin to look up things, possibly in Wikipedia. Learn to love to learn. I see nothing wrong with using the Internet to learn and so on. But it is meaningless if you are social networking as an escape. Just to bring you up to speed, social networking, well, the things people say, the language, the thought process, well, it's all pretty fake and it's easy to get caught up in it. I would suggest you limit this, for starters and begin to reign, train yourself to spend more time in things that are productive. Find a subject that interests you and excel in it, own it, learn everything you can about it. Then, move onto to something else.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

12 Steps of AA

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Suggested Reading;

Choose To Be You

Meet Mrs. Know It All; How To Screw Up Your Life

Good and Bad; All Things Happen for a Reason

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 16 year old boy in high school. I am a junior and I like an 18 year old girl who is a senior. I’ve liked her since the end of my freshman year. During my sophomore year, I believed she liked me because she kept dropping hints all the time. She would talk louder to her friends when they walked past me, smile at me sometimes, and a lot of other things for like 8 months. However I never had the courage to talk to her until the last day of school. I called her up and asked if she was dating anyone. She told me she had a boyfriend, but we proceeded to have a conversation. I apologized and hung up the phone. A couple of weeks into summer vacation I called her back later to apologize and we had another conversation. I had to stop the conversation, so I asked her if I could call again and she told me she didn’t care, but she was pretty sad. Eventually I had to go on summer vacation in a foreign country so I called her back, but I got her mom instead as she wasn’t home. I just told her mom to tell her that I called, after our own little conversation.

After summer vacation ended, I saw her again in school at the beginning of this year. However once again, I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. This continued for a month where we just looked at each other. After about a month she casually walks pass me and asks me how my summer was. I just responded that it was good and that was it. It’s been like five months since then. We see each other occasionally in the halls and we say hi to each other but that’s usually it. She still drops a lot of hints that she likes me but she also still has a boyfriend. We’re in a few clubs together but there really aren’t that many meetings for us to have a chance to form a stronger connection. She still hangs out with her boyfriend, as they go on dates. They had a fight once when he told her that he loved her and she didn’t say the same thing back to him. I also remember that during the first month she started to date her bf, that she always looked sad when I saw her. At the beginning of this year and even occasionally now she looks sad sometimes when I see her. Anyways, I have quite a lot of questions:

She’s never actually told me that she likes me. What would be reasons for this? She came close a couple of times; at the beginning of this year she said to her friend as they walked past me “Maybe I should tell him”, once she was walking behind me with a friend as she said “I like him” when no one else was in the hall except for the three of us, also another time I walked past her in the hall and she said to her friends “Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore”.

Should I still keep hope in that there is a possibility for us to date? I mean I fully understand that I should respect her and try to be friends first, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I really like her. However I also don’t want to feel hurt and this is hard since she has a bf and that if I have a real conversation with her, I would probably ask her about her relationship with her boyfriend which would make her think that I didn’t respect her.

Is it bad to like someone with a boyfriend if you know she has feelings for you? I really don’t think she’s a bad person. This is because of the fact that I believe she was really hurt by me when I never tried to get to know her during my sophomore year despite all the hints she gave me every day.

I know that the obvious solution to get rid of my problems is to talk to her. But the main reason why this is so hard is because of the fact that she has a boyfriend. I’ve liked a lot of girls in the past, but never as much as this girl. I know that I’m still young and that I’ll meet tons of girls in the future, but I just can’t help it. What should I do?

Thanks a lot for reading.

P.S. We’re both going to Europe along with our classmates for spring break. So inevitably we’re going to spend 10 days very close to each other.

Dear Reader,

I first want to make mention of your values; They are fabulous. More than once you've mentioned respect, respecting her, her feelings and not crossing that invisible line between respect and disrespecting her feelings and so on. I like that in a guy and I wish there were more guys out there that were concerned about a girls feelings. Never compromise those principles and they will always be one of your best attributes.

I don't quite know exactly what your question is but I can see what's going on; You don't know how to proceed, right? Obviously, you care an awful lot about this particular girl? I mean if you think about it, there are probably 100's, maybe even 1000's of girls for you to pursue, in your town. But you have chosen this girl. Even subconsciously, you try to solve the problem, the riddle of how to, "Make Her Mine?"

I happen to believe that there's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic, only "Divine Destiny." What that means is that all things happen for a reason. Everyone you meet, all the things that happen, all the things that go on in your everyday life, they are all for a reason. Good and Bad; All Things Happen for a Reason. When you begin to see this, especially when calamity or unpleasant situations arise and you realize that it's happening for a reason, the variables will change. Instead of saying, "Why Me?" when life slaps you around, you'll start to ask your Spirit, "OK, what do I need to learn from this?" and your life, as you know it will begin to change. Yes, life is a series of tests. One after another comes along, all for a reason, the good, the bad and the ugly.

So Aunt Babz, what is your point? I do tend to carry on, huh? You obviously care enough about this girl, all for a reason. You care enough to have written me and she's on your mind, all for a reason. Think about it!

There's nothing wrong with you telling her that you enjoy talking to her, enjoy her company and getting to know her. You might even slip her a note that says, you'd really like to get to know her better and "you hope she'll let you know if things don't work out with her current boyfriend." You might also let her know that you see when she is sad and it bothers you. You don't have to say more about that because that's enough to make her think. She'll realize that you care enough to notice. I'd also say something to the effect of, "Hey, I'll respect the fact that you're with another guy but I do want you to know that if things don't work out, I'd really enjoy chatting, It'd be cool to get to know you." Then you end it with a compliment that will stick like Gorilla Glue. You say something like, "You know, I pass you in the halls and when I see you, it makes me smile inside. You have such beautiful eyes, they look right through me." Yes, pass her a note in the hall or where ever, ok?

Every girl loves to hear about her best attributes, so pick up on what that is and tell her about it, in that note. Make it short-n-sweet, to the point. It wouldn't matter if you were a dog, it'd make her think if you tell her something nice about herself. Now, I already know you're not a dog. No, you're a fairly decent looking guy. You will never be on a Calvin Kline commercial but Sweetie, you are cute and your even better looking on the inside. The One that matters, will see this. Remember these words.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

100% Ownership

This is an Update from;

Ones Own Trap???

Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she's being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that's why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn't help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,

It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.

I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.

This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.

Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.

Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.

And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.

~~*Xmichra~~