Jens' Love Lessons

My name is Jennifer Gill Rosier. I'm a doctoral student at Purdue University and the author of www.JensLoveLessons.com. For my doctoral dissertation, I will be testing the effectiveness of a research-based sexual communication training program that I've developed over the last three years. I'm currently looking for participants. Below is a brief explanation of the study. If YOU or ANYONE YOU KNOW would be interested in participating in this FREE trial sexual communication training program, please visit the study's website. Once there, you can read all about the training program, ask questions, and/or sign up to participate.

If possible, I would really appreciate it if you could forward this email to your colleagues, friends, and family members. If you're interested, you could also copy and paste the article below (or an edited version of the article below) on your blog if you have one.

Thanks!

Jennie

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Is it difficult for you to talk to your partner about sex?

Well, you're not alone. In fact, research has shown that many Americans have a difficult time talking to their partners about their sex life (Marble, 1997). Some people fear being embarrassed or embarrassing their partners, while others are scared of being rejected or ruining their relationships. Still others just don't know how to start the conversation, so they never try. Let's be real, talking about sex is a very sensitive topic for most individuals. All of these fears are completely natural and expected.

These fears can partly be caused by the minimal focus our society places on communication about sex with your partner. The discussion of sexual desires is not prevalent in our everyday conversations, which leads to us having fewer examples of competent and incompetent messages to model or avoid. If you have minimal practice discussing your sexual likes and dislikes to a partner, you may feel less confident in your abilities.

Contrary to popular belief, understanding how to communicate about sex is not intuitive knowledge. Instead, being able to discuss sexual desires and issues with a partner is a skill that couples can cultivate through communication skill training.

Research-based communication skill training programs, like the one being offered here for FREE, have been shown to significantly enhance the communication skills of individuals and couples alike. The program being offered here was carefully developed by relationship researchers so that your chances of experiencing improved sexual communication skills at the close of the program are greatly increased.

You now have the opportunity to participate in a FREE trial sexual communication training program with your partner. The entire training program will be done online, so you can participate in the comfort and privacy of your own home! This trial training program is part of a study being conducted at Purdue University about sexual coaching skills. The purpose of this research is to evaluate a communication training program that aims to improve your sexual coaching skills. The study will also examine whether improvements in these skills increase both your and your partner’s sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. The communication training activities that you will participate in during this study focus on enhancing your ability to talk about sex with your partner but do not ask you to engage in any specific sexual activities.

For more information about this amazing opportunity, including information about how to participate for FREE, go to www.SexComTraining.weebly.com and read all about the program.

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

It Is Common

Dear Aunt B,

Hola!
So, I'm 19, in college, still a virgin, and I had my first pelvic exam the other day. Everyone I talked to and everything I looked up online beforehand said it wouldn't be painful in the least bit, but it hurt like a bitch. I even bled a bit for two days afterwards. After the exam was done, I fainted. I don't know why, but I just passed out.
It wasn't the doctor's fault. She was as gentle and caring as could be. She explained everything she was doing, asked me if I was uncomfortable, asked if I wanted her to stop the exam, etc.
I needed to get this exam as I have an abnormal menstrual cycle and a family history of ovarian cancer, so I told her to continue on.

However, two things bother me now.
One, I feel... gross after the exam. Not because she saw me naked, because she's a doctor and nudity doesn't really bug me. I dunno. Just the feeling of something being inside me and hurting like that. It was such an unnatural, uncomfy feeling. I also feel infinitely lame for being so upset over a standard medical procedure. We're girls. We have to get checked out. But for someone who doesn't even like using tampons because its much too creepy, it was just... unsettling. Which is completely dumb.

Second thing that bothers me: why did it hurt so much? She used the smallest scope possible, and it STILL hurt. Sex is going to kill me. What if I can't do it when the time comes because I'll be so freaked out about the feeling of pain and that really disturbing feeling of having something go up that way?
I just don't understand why I have such issues with my own parts. It's just a vagina. I'm being ridiculous. But thinking about it all makes me frustrated and actually makes me wanna cry.

I'm sorry if that was way too detailed and graphic. I'm just super frustrated with this whole thing and with myself for blowing it WAY out of proportion.
Thanks again for listening to my rant.

Dear Reader,

I am not sure what you have been able to read has been the best material, because it is common for women who have never had a pelvic exam to experience discomfort. It is common for women who are virgins to feel minor amounts of pain during and after a pelvic exam because of the breaking of your hymen. It is normal for women who have had exams before to experience minor amounts of pain from the possibility of a pinch in the vaginal wall. And more than often, women experience bleeding after a pap test.

That being said, it should be minor pain not major pain. If you have major pain, itching, swelling or tenderness I would suggest going to see a doctor as soon as possible (preferably not the one you just saw) to rule out a staph infection. I’m not saying that is what you have, and you would know already if the pain was super intense that there was a major issue.

It’s been a long time since i had my ‘first’ pap test, but the first one I had after having my child was really quite painful. And that can happen too after having children. But the point I am trying to make, is that it can be painful/uncomfortable and be normal. I really wouldn’t panic about that. Yes, a Pap should be unpainful and rather uneventful, but we are not all the same (and neither are our cervixes!).

As for the strangeness you are feeling about having something foreign in your body, I think that is normal too. I am sexually active, and find getting a pap makes me feel pretty icky too. It’s just the idea of what it is, and it’s cold metal, and it’s all science-no-love type vibe that makes it feel peculiar. But, it saves lives and is so important. So make sure you are getting your pap test done annually, and don’t feel to badly about the ick factor. Some people feel fine about it, and others don’t. But what is important to know, is it’s normal to feel the way you do.

Hope the tests come back clear, and for a better more relaxing test next time :)

~Xmichra

Dear Reader,

Hi, first I just wanted to say that your not alone in this. A lot of people that have their first exam are uncomfortable. I can remember when I had mine done. I was 15 years old because there was a cyst. They were gentle with me but it hurt and I felt embarrassed also.

In all I got over it after a couple of days and the pain and felling gross was over. I was scared to have sex when I got older too. But the guy you met and believe is the one, well, you just tell him to be gentle. It's okay to tell him this. A little (or a lot,tehe) foreplay will help big time to keep your mind off the pain you might remember.

Let me tell you though, its not the same pain and uncomfortable feeling as a pelvic exam. Your body's hormones will kick in when you've decided to make the big move. And your body will naturally open up. It's quite magical.

It may hurt a little I'm not going to lie but its only for a few seconds,but then, hopefully you will enjoy it . All women have different experiences. We're hoping that yours will be a pleasant, rewarding as well as memorable moment in time.

When it comes to our yearly exams, every one deals with it differently. Your not blowing it out of proportion your just concerned and worried like everyone else that goes though it for the first time. Don't sweat it, relax and hopefully you'll enjoy yourself.

Be Safe, Use Caution,

Halena

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

Easy Dynamic

With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Aunt B,

On your website you said nothing is taboo and that's why I will feel a bit more comfortable telling you this. I'm a 26 year old woman. I have a close knit family whom I love very much. I have an uncle who was in prison for 18 years that we as a family would go visit every weekend for years. We had a very good relationship during those years. He was released two years ago and our relationship has changed. Last October, our relationship turned sexual and has been that way since then. He would send me texts saying how he wanted to have sex with me since I was 16. At first I thought it was a crazy joke, he was in prison a long time. That started in March. Now let me say I thought the world of my uncle when I was 16. He always talked to me and gave me advice and listened to me. My father wasn't around so he was the next best thing but better because I could talk to him about things I couldn't with my mother. I never knew he felt that way about me. I admit I got curious after a while but I never really thought it would happen. When it first started it was just sex, but me like a dummy started to have feelings 5 months in. I told him I wanted to stop because of that and he ignored it. Him and I both have had other partners him a lot more than me I'm sure. He tells me I'm better than his other ladies. He gets jealous when I mention another man. He tells me that I'm perfect and that if our situation was different he would marry me. He gets butterflies when he sees me. He loves holding me. Now another woman is pregnant by him and it hurts me. I've been in this situation where I was cheated on and the other woman got pregnant three times before. I got really upset. We weren't exactly careful and if it wasn't for plan B I would b pregnant by him. He tells me he doesn't want to stop. He even asked me if I wanted a baby and said he loved me one time since I found out. Now I know that his words are BS but I guess it wore me down after all this time and I feel stupid for allowing myself to have feelings for him. I don't know where they came from. I don't understand why he wanted me in this way. I certainly didn't plan on this. It really was just sex in the beginning and I didn't want or ask for anything beyond that. But he keeps coming up with these type of comments. Even though I feel like I'm in love with him, which sounds completely insane, I understand there is no good coming out of this situation especially for me. I want help with how to push emotion to the side and get out of this situation. Signed, Going Crazy Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Reader,

In the interest of helping you, really helping you, I need to tell you that you need to seek a professional for the resolve to your question. Not because you are crazy, but because you will need to talk this out for awhile before you can feel that you have fixed this situation. You are right, this is a complicated situation, and one that I feel shouldn’t be answered in a quick gut answer format.

I can tell you what *I* would do. So I am telling you to please get help from a professional. You do need it. There are so many things at work in this one small glimpse of your story.

I will go into this, a little, because I am afraid that you will not seek help. I am afraid you will not seek help for fear of judgment of *who* the man is, and having the rest of your feelings cast aside because of it. And I know there are plenty of professional people out there who get a bad rap, but a good one worth their salt, wouldn’t make you feel that way at all. A good therapist will address the whole of this situation, and go through all your feelings and how to overcome them. So please, again, do seek help.

It doesn’t sound insane to me that you feel that you are in love with this man. It actually makes total sense that you think you feel this way. It makes sense that you are feeling betrayed. It makes sense that you are feeling cast aside. It makes sense that you are angry. Do not feel stupid, you are making sense. Regardless of *who* the guy is, anyone would feel angry and be asking exactly what you have been asking.

The problem that I see is that he has preyed upon you since you were very young, and he will continue to do so. I am sorry to hear this story, and even sorrier for the pain this will cause you. But you need to step away, and you need to get help. Have you told your parents about all this? I am guessing not given the circumstances. I am not sure if saying anything to them right now would be helpful, because I don’t know your parents. But if they are close to you (as you have indicated) and you trust them, I would suggest that you tell them and let them help you through all of this. You will need support.

Your situation isn’t the type where there is a simple solution. If I could have a piece of simplicity, I would encourage you to move on and forget this guy because he doesn’t love you. And I really wish it were that simple. But, I know it isn’t because of the nature of your relationship and the length of time this has evolved. So, again, I implore you to stop what you are doing all together with this man, and get help.

I wish I could answer this for you, and I wish that it were an easy dynamic. If you need help to seek a professional, please let us know (we will keep that off site).

~Xmichra.

With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Going Crazy,

I am "tickled pink" that you wrote us as we appreciate our readers as well as those that ask the many questions that we get. You're right; Nothing Is Taboo and we will discuss anything, if it is a serious question. What I mean by this is if someone truly wants an answer to a heart felt question and sometimes even that is debatable, we will try to accommodate them by answering as best as we can.

I do believe you are already aware of the "Social Stigma"that may be associated with your relationship with your Uncle. For all intent and purpose, some may even refer to it as Incest. And if you don't mind, I'll ask you to click on that link I just provided for you, for that particular word.You may then come to your own conclusion/resolution as to the definition of your situation.

Putting all this aside, even the nature of the your possible blood relationship, well, I have bigger fish to fry here. What I mean by this is rather plain and simple;

Your Uncle, I believe is using you in the name of love.

Now, you may write me after you've examined all of this and "read me the riot act" but I'd be willing to wager, you have some real *self-esteem issues. Yes, I'd also be willing to bet you are a bit over weight, feel rather ugly and have been very hard on yourself, most of your God given life. And I want it to stop...right here and right now. Yep, you damn skippy, I can see you and I do know.

You have such urgency to be loved and desired, (which are all normal human needs), that you are willing to put aside all the red flags, all the, shall I dare say; Wrong that has been done to you. And I'm asking you to slow down and take a long, hard look at how you've allowed yourself to be treated.

You are in good company when it comes to what people, even and including myself, well, just what we will do for love. And it's all a matter of what we may choose to endure in the "name of love."

I'm sorry to tell you, that although I do firmly believe that your Uncle has feelings for you, I also unflinchingly believe he's been leading you astray and feeding you a line in order to have sex with you. Now, you can lie to yourself and/or sugar coat it all day long but I tell you all this because I want you to wake up and see the devastation this man has effected.

What Can You Do???

For starters, I want you to begin to assess your own, hidden self worth. It's not hidden from the world just from you, apparently, when you look in the mirror. I think you may have forgotten what a wonderful personality as well as sense of humor you possess. The absolute best attribute you are blessed with is that undeniable "twinkle" in your eyes, especially when you are in a playful mood. You've not been playful as of late and that's a shame. The spring in your step
has sprung. Hasn't it?

I'd like to see you get your sense of self back. That playfulness that I spoke of will come back the sooner you see how wrong it was for your Uncle to do this to you. Yes, I said "do this" because you have been a victim of a man who took advantage of and did what it took to bed down a damsel in distress, someone who just wants to be loved.

Your answer, the beginning lies in you seeing all of this, peering into the looking glass with the realization that it is all as simple as you seeing yourself again, for the first time. Somewhat a riddle, I promise you that if you would ingest all that I have prescribed to you,

"He will come along. And he will tell you that 'you have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen'." (Bedroom Eyes)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


*Further Reading on Self Esteem;

Self Esteem - The Problem Behind All Problems
by Asoka Selvarajah, Ph.D

How Can I Improve My Self Esteem?
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we're more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can't imagine leaving him. I always thought I'd marry him one day, but I'm scared that I'll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it's because I'm not into him like that. I've been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that's not the case at all. We're still so much closer then just friends. We're a couple, we just aren't romantic. We've talked about it. He's trying to slim down. but I'm afraid that it's not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He's such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?


Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don't have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more...unless...you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you "love them," if you don't mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it's a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it's important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I'd like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of "Affection," or "Affectionate Behavior."

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside...a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It's certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I'd hope you've noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It's a conscience effort to please each other. But it's essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, "the wifely duties." How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I'll ask this simple question, "Are you ever sexually attracted," meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don't want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret...or...hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

"Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration."

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you've done your duty...all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it's meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it's as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, "Oh, we're going to have sex tonight," but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you'd want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro's and con's of it. If it's not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. "I feel this way" or "that way" which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., "your smile" or maybe, "your laughter" or possibly, "the considerate things you do for me." So it's a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It's always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know...you're doing the "Horizontal Mambo."

Hoping To Help,

Halena

adult-content-warning

Re-Visiting; "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong..."

Editor's Notation; I received the following comment via email about a post from Wednesday, January 23, 2008. The question was answered by our Chief Resident Society Member, "Xmichra" as well as MPJ, our guest adviser from
A Room of Mama's Own

The post generated many comments and the buzz is still going, evidently, since we have in the past and are still receiving comments, etc. Certainly controversial, we'd love to know how you feel about it. We will publish your comment as well. Write to askauntb@gmail.com

Date: 2/5/2009 1:10:19 PM

To: mzbabz@comcast.net

Subject: [~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~] New comment on Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong.....

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong...":


I'd like to clarify that I do not believe that porn is "evil" or "wrong." I am open to watching it with him, it just makes me feel like sh*t when he does it behind my back and lies about it if I catch him. I'm not TRYING to catch my husband masturbating to porn, believe me; it just causes World War III and I'm sick of trying to validate my feelings to him on the subject. What bothers me the most is that our sex life has been slacking in quantity and quality for over a year now, and any time I try to initiate something different, new positions, etc. I get shot down...and the things that I've been wanting to do since we got married are things that he watches online but STILL has never done with me. Yes, I am jealous of the porn itself because he would rather watch strangers do these things than do them with me. My body has not changed, I look exactly the same as I did the day we met. He is not like other guys I dated before, that's why I married him... but at the same time, there is no possible way to win an argument with him because he deals with EVERYTHING with ultimatums. It's his way or no way, and I'm almost ready to give up.



Posted by Anonymous to ~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~ at February 05, 2009




Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife, I have to admit, after reading the comments again from your original post, I got a little worried about the conversation you had with your husband. There were a lot of opinions there, and a few *I* would have questioned the motive behind, had it been me being talked to. I am glad you got back to us, I can see that this is a major issue, it was a year ago you wrote into us in the first place. I think what you are feeling is completely rational, I would be jealous as well (and I *do* look different from when we first met!). But there are a few things I would ask... What you are doing (initiating) isn’t a bad thing at all, and wanting to have sex isn’t bad either. Maybe your husband has a lower sex drive than you (hard to imagine with the watching of porn, but some people watch porn and masturbate in the hopes of becoming better in bed, and excited more for their partner.). I am not sure. And I am no expert. I want to also say, that there are things in fantasy world that we, in our normal regular lives, fantasize about but do not want to do. Sounds crazy right? What is the point of fantasy if there is no chance for realism? The point (for some) is to find their boundaries, and their comfort zones. Maybe some of the things he is watching he wants to see, and maybe one day do, but isn’t comfortable yet to do it. You said you can’t win an argument with him... have you been able to talk to him without an argument taking place? Sex is very personal, we all know this. But for some people there are a lot of other issues and taboos that go with having sex that they become really defensive and argumentative. So if you haven’t been able to have an open dialogue conversation without arguing, this is a sign that you definitely need a third party (like a relationship councilor, or sex therapist) to help mediate. I understand that you are frustrated and there may be hesitance to seek professional help, but honestly if you do not do this... I am afraid that you two will either be lonely in a resentful marriage, or divorced. This isn’t a small issue, and I hope you do get the resolve required to satisfy not only your sex life, but the feelings of hurt. If you need help finding someone in your area, please write back and we will try to help you, completely confidential. ~Xmichra.

It's An Awkward Age

Dear Aunt Babz,

i'm 12 yrs old and kinda gay (i think) i'm female and every now and then i'll go on the internet and type in something like penis, tits, sex or something like that but i cant help it!!!!!!! when something comes up or catches my eye i'll go on it... jst now i've been looking at stuff when i thought i had to stop it! pleeeeeze!! i'm desperate and in need of advice!!! please answer me! it's not my faault i make out with soft toys!!!!! please i'm crying so much lately because i feel guilty about this!!!

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can understand the guilt that is accompanying your actions, but don’t feel too badly. What you are doing is natural, and awkward, and definitely not gay.

You are twelve, and going into being a young adult has multitudes of questions. And most of them biologically is about the sexes. What do people look like, what does a penis look like, what does a vagina look like, what does sex look like. It’s all a natural part of growing up.

I would caution you to take it easy though. Sex and exploration doesn’t have to happen at such a young age. Take your childhood for a little longer, you will wish that you had later in life. And talk to your parents or to an adult that you trust. Talking about all the changes your body will be making and all the anxiety you feel over these new emotions can help you to work through them and not make it a shameful experience.

Don’t worry, you are normal. You’re just growing up.

Take care

~Xmichra~

Dear Anonymous,

I must agree with Xmichra, what you are doing and experiencing is quite normal. It's rather natural to want to know what things look like, as well in a comparative nature, you may feel drawn to looking at women. That does not mean you are gay. Nor does it mean you are gay because you prefer to look at women, ok?

For some young girls, soon to be women, it's an experimental time. You find yourself looking at things in the mirror and then possibly going online to see who, what, where things are. Is yours, similar or the same? Does it look normal? As I write this, I remember my own feelings and observations;

No two vagina's are alike, for starters. As well, there's no wrong or right look. What I mean is this; You have some that are thick and full. Some are high-n-tight. Some are pink, some are darker. You'll find every one is different. And it's ever changing. In example, it might be pink now but when you have children and mature, it may turn darker. There's no wrong or right, you see?

Consensus says, men have an opinion that ranges from liking a certain look to not caring at all, it's all favorable. But it stands to reason, a guy will be attracted to a certain type of girl just as you have an opinion as to the type of guy that you are attracted to.

While we're on the subject of attraction, let me make it clear to you that just because you find women more attractive does not mean a thing. At this age, it may feel safer. I can imagine a Penis may seem scary, big and menacing. It may very well be a turn off to you and you find yourself, in your search, looking more at women. While aesthetic beauty is something I still find an appreciation for, it does not mean you are gay. As well, looking at women may seem/feel safer?

Yes, you are too young to ever think that you will turn out/be gay. Give it some time. You may change your mind. Experimentation, you know the actual act of homosexuality, is also not outside the norm. You can not draw conclusions from that, as well. We all play, "Doctor," and may even go on to something a little more serious, a trumped up version of playing Doctor. It is when it persists and you find that you are not in any way, shape or form attracted to the opposite sex, that is a definition of actually being Gay. And then it becomes you and your pursuit of happiness entails it and finding someone who shares your feelings, hopes, dreams in a gay relationship.

Of course, most of us explore, as young people with the same sex and it is natural. Some grow out of it, some never do as the way they are hardwired dictates an attraction to the same sex. As well, some grow to enjoy both sexes and are Bi-sexual.

I encourage you to not jump to conclusions, especially at this young, impressionable and tender age. As well, while I think looking at pictures of a sexual nature is rather natural, I do discourage you from looking at Pornography. At 12 years old, it may taint your perception of what or how things should be. Porn does not show what a healthy sexual relationship is between a man and a woman. It can be degrading, especially for women. It does not depict the natural course of action between a man and a woman in a loving relationship.

I encourage you to wait for sexual relations. Sex is over rated. Love making is never wrong between two healthy adults, hopefully in a monogamous relationship. Notice that word, "Adults." I lost my virginity at 12. I thought I was a woman. I was not nor did I know as much as I thought I did. Live and learn. But I do hope you'll learn from our mistakes. I hope you will heed the warnings that you might hear, of the tales of those who became pregnant at a young age and how it changed the very course of their lives. It happened to me and I can remember thinking, "Oh, that'll never happen to me!" But why wouldn't it? I mean since the dawn of time, it's the nature of man and woman.

You have sexual relations/intercourse just once and you become pregnant. That's all it takes, it's so simple, yet we scoff of the idea that it will happen to us...till it does. Then, it may be too late. All your aspirations go right out the window. Most guys at a young age, don't get it either. Then their girlfriend gets pregnant and their lives are changed as well. Quite often though, the girl gets left behind to raise a child they did not plan for and the guy goes on the list of Child Support Dead Beat Dad's. He is forever resentful because YOU got pregnant and now he has to pay. They attach his wages and take the money. Even if he does stick around, he often thinks he's still single and wants to run wild with the fella's and carry on. All the while, you are at home stuck with a crying baby. You've done everything to try to make the baby stop crying but it's 2am and he just wants to cry. Or maybe he has an earache, it hurts and you can't tell why he won't stop crying. You are exhausted but you can't sleep when your child is crying. Daddy's still out with the boys playing X-Box and it's all on you, every day. There is no turning back, kiss your life, as you knew it good-bye. Selah

We won't even go into the diseases you'll get from that guy that doesn't look sick. Or the fact that he's slept around and every girl he's slept with, you now sleep with because if he got a disease three girls ago, he's going to give it to you. But he looked good, huh? Little did you know, he was infected with AIDS?HIV. See, until you are actually ding from the effects of HIV, with todays meds, a person doesn't look sick. Then in their last days, they become thin and sickly looking, maybe you can even see Karposi's Sarcoma? But "he didn't look sick," is all you're left saying.

When I write these posts, I often write from experience and I write hoping others will read it. I also often tell it like it is and reveal painful things in the hopes that you or someone else won't have to endure what I did. People and things can be deceptive. Think before you do, that's all. Don't be like me, a woman who grew up too quickly with child at 16 years old. Don't be stupid like I was. I shared a needle because of my addiction to Heroin. Yes, I tried it and the very first time, I thought it spoke to my soul, cured all my ailments. Little did I know it would be my own demise. Yes, I shared a needle with someone who looked healthy. I didn't heed the warnings, neither did my first or second husband. I have Hep C because of this. My first husband has already died from Hep C, a painful and terrible thing to watch. Especially, knowing you have the same disease and may die just like that, painfully slow.

I guess I'm telling you...don't grow up too fast. There's no joy in adulthood that is rushed.

More Reading...

Getting Unstuck


Words To Live By

Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong...

Guest Advisory from;

A Room of Mama's Own

Mary answers this rather poignant question on Sexual Addiction...


Dear Aunt Babz,

I've been married for 10 months. Things were great up until about the 6 month mark, when I found porn on my computer's browse history. I was calm, and when I asked my husband if he knew anything about it, he became angry and yelled at me saying I was "accusing" him. After that, bedroom activity slacked off. It's continued to decline, and now our sex life is almost non-exist ant. I keep finding recurring porn sites, and I've only brought it up with him twice. Both times, he turns the tables on me with the "Why are you accusing me?" speech and lies to my face about the porn. Until now, I've never had a problem with porn. I've even watched some myself, but I have not since getting married. It bothers me that it's now interfering with our time spent together, and it's becoming more frequent, especially while I am in bed asleep next to him (computers are next to the bed on each side). I've tried initiating sex, and he continues to reject me. When we do have sex, it's always missionary. No variations, no exploration, no desire from him to "change it up", though I would very much like to (and he knows this). I've actually SEEN him masturbating & watching porn while he thought I was asleep. I was too sick & horrified to even say anything then. This is destroying me emotionally. My self esteem is getting lower and lower. Anytime I see any pornographic images now, I feel sick to my stomach. I'm becoming jealous, and paranoid. I know this is NOT a good thing. I've tried discussing it with him, and have told him while in tears how much this hurts me and how uncomfortable it's making me... He will slack off watching the porn for a few days to a week, at best...then it's back to square one. Please help me. I don't know what to do, or how to approach him. He's always on the defensive side. The porn itself does not anger me...it's the fact that I honestly feel like he has chosen the porn over me, his wife. I love him, that's why I married him. I'm open-minded & willing to do anything to gain his attention again. How do you talk to the guy who is "always innocent" about porn in marriage? -Depressed & Hurt Wife.

Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife,

If I could reach through the computer screen and give you a big

tearful hug, as one injured woman to another, believe me I would. I

have been where you have been: waiting for my husband to come to bed

to me while he stayed up later and later looking at porn (and in my

case, more, it turned out), wondering what I was doing wrong and how I

could be sexier, yelling and crying and pleading with him to tell me

what was wrong.

It turns out that what was wrong didn't have anything

to do with me. And this doesn't have anything to do with you.

Your husband's behavior is not about you. You're not doing anything

wrong. He's not using porn or refusing to have sex with you because

you're not sexy or because he doesn't love you or because you're not

exciting and attractive. He's using porn because he can't stop: he's

an addict. My husband is too.

I know the idea of being addicted to porn may sound crazy. After all,

porn isn't a substance like alcohol or heroin or crack, right? But

the brain chemicals released when engaging with porn can provide their

own kind of high. And for some people (possibly your husband), the

high provided by porn and masturbation can be greater than the high of

actual sex.

The behavior you've described is all the behavior of an

addict: needing greater amounts of porn to satisfy his need for a

"high," denying and trying to hide his behavior, having his behavior

interfere with his relationship and above all, being unable to stop.

The good news is that doctors and mental health professionals, as well

as society at large, are gaining a better understanding of sexual

addictions every day. There are many more resources available to help

you than there ever have been before. There are a number of excellent

books on the subject, as well as a variety of 12 Step programs for

addicts and their partners, along with in- and out-patient treatment

centers (yes, rehab for porn addiction).

The bad news is that your husband does not sound like he is willing to

admit that he has a problem yet. Unfortunately, he cannot change his

behavior without treatment, and the old saying is absolutely true, the

first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem.

You can, and should, speak with your husband about his addiction (it often helps to do this together with a mental health professional or a spiritual

leader), but there is no guarantee that you will be able to break through his denial.

Whatever happens, this will be a long journey for you. Here are a few

things that may help you:

• Talk to a therapist or counselor. Try to find one who understands addictions, preferably sexual/porn addictions.

If you are religious, talk to a trusted spiritual leader

Find an S-Anon or

COSA Meeting. (Meeting information is available on their websites.) These are groups for partners of people addicted to sex and pornography. You will meet

other people here who will understand your pain and who can help you

work through it.

Start learn about sex addiction. S-Anon and COSA have resources

on their websites. In addition, Patrick Carnes, PhD is an expert on sexual

addiction and has written several books, including ;
In the Shadows of the Net, which deals with online pornography and sexual

behavior.

Remember that you cannot change your husband and focus on doing

what you need to take care of your own physical, mental and spiritual

health.

Remember that you're not alone.

You should be really proud of yourself. You knew that something was

wrong, even if you didn't know quite what it was, and you trusted that

feeling and reached out for help. So many women in your situation

doubt themselves and suffer in silence for years and years. I know,

as well as anyone can, how much you are hurting now. But I also know

that you are taking the first step toward healing.

If it would help you, please feel free to e-mail me at

mailto:mamampj@gmail.com.

All the best to you and your husband,

Mary (MPJ)

Blogging about sex addiction (among other things) at

A Room of Mama's Own

Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife,

I will offer one more thing here, get the computers out of the bedroom!! I mean that is just begging for neglect. A bedroom should be a place of solitude and for a couple to rejuvenate. Not a place to have all sorts of distractions around. Or at least that is my personal opinion.

Maybe the porn isn't something that you can accept, but it also isn't something evil. So make sure that you aren't coming across as being accusatory. The only reason I say this, is that sometimes this isn't an addiction. Sometimes, it is a guy being a guy and having to defend or out right lie about his preferences because he feels ashamed. There is nothing wrong with looking at porn, or enjoying it. There is something wrong with letting porn interfere with your real life relationships.

I would definitely recommend talking to a third party about this if you can. Seeing as though it seems that you cannot have this conversation without someone feeling hurt (and it is a touchy subject).

But the point here is that you are recognizing something that you are having a problem with, "the porn," and you need to address that too. You want to be "open minded" but really it feels like a slight. And I get that. Truly I do. But it won't help you to solve this particular problem if you are not 100% honest with how you feel and what you can deal with.

Not all guys who watch porn are addicts. Not all women who watch porn do it for their satisfaction. Not all relationships are the same. And in those three sentences you need to figure out where you two sit. And you need to be comfortable with what you decide.

Hope you do well with your talks, and hope you can get the romance back in your room where it belongs!!

~Xmichra~

Some Additional Helpful Links

Dateline NBC; Battling Sexual Addiction

Sex Help.com; Sexual Addiction Screening Test

Recovery Connection (Sexual Addiction Helpline)

Sex Addicts Anonymous