Doors of Communication

Dear Reader's,

As of late, I've found myself visiting the blogs of people, I don't really know on the sidebars of some regulars I read. A lot of these blogs are about being the parent of a drug addict. So very sad.

And it occurred to me that God has blessed me with really being the only F***-Up in the family. What I mean by this is that while my daughter struggles with an addiction to Soma, my three sons really do not practice, note that word, "Practice" current and/or hard core drug use.

There's no pat on the back for this because they watched as I shot up Heroin, drank whiskey shots like a seasoned Sailor and basically lived a life of every day crime.

Yea, I used to kid, "A Crime a day, keeps the Doctor away," meaning I wouldn't be dope sick if I committed some crime, scam, scheme, whatever it took to get my bundle of Heroin. And you can bet your ass, before I started doing heroin and was taking massive quantities of pills/opiates, I stole or wrote/forged Prescriptions for years to facilitate my habits as well as my husbands. I'm certainly not proud of this and as I write it, I could just puke.

If I'd tell you some of the rotten awful things I did, you'd probably say, "OMG Babz, you did not?" But I did and the past person I was, is a different person. I even changed my name from Barbara to Babz cause I'm not "her/Barb" anymore.

It saddens me though when I read some of the pain this Drug War has caused. And that's exactly what it is, an all out War on and against, especially the juvenescence of today. This shit is taking your children hostage and promises to kill, harm or maim them for life. And of course, your life will never be the same.

First let me say that I don't claim to know it all, hell I'm just recently beginning to realize this and am hell bent for leather to learn all sorts of sordid details. Not really, actually I want to know and learn, sew and say all the best I can in the time allotted me, left on this earth. I have a whole butt load of Karma, the good one, I need to replenish and give back. And I know Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ on a first name basis. I met her in Prison...

As I stood on that bridge, (another story in itself), ready to jump into the icy waters below. Here I was out, in the middle of a blizzard, no one on the roads, on the hunt for dope. I scored one bag but couldn't do it because I had to walk home first and share that one bag with my SOB husband who divided it, giving him the bigger portion. It was barely enough to even get myself right much less the two of us.

Dope sick, barely able to stand, I threw my leg over the bridge railing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw headlights. This storm was so bad even the natives were nestled in, all except for me and this one man in his car. I remember being pissed, thinking, "WTF???," as I put my leg back down. He slowed down, just as he came upon me. His passenger side window was down, the street lamp illuminating his face.

Now, I don't know if you believe in Angels or not but I sure do...NOW! This old white haired man, scraggly and I even think he was missing some teeth, smiled so warmly, the smile actually embraced me. I can't explain it. I fell on my knees in the snow. There was a "Silent Scream" only heaven could hear. My tears almost froze to my face as I begged God for forgiveness. I also begged Him to help me, "Please God, I can't do this anymore, please help me?"

I didn't even say what it was that I needed help with but He knew. I'd tried to get help at the Hospital and for one, they told me I wasn't sick enough to be admitted to the Hospital. Secondly, they said that both my husband and myself could not be admitted at the same time to the same Rehab. The intake evaluator guy was a real dick and offered no solution.

Neither one of us would dare leave the other out to fend for ourselves, especially considering I was my husbands meal ticket, I did all the dirty work which, to this day he readily admits. But they had shot us down anyway, as I said stating that we weren't sick enough. I remember thinking how much I hated that guy just about the same time as I fell off the curb, cracking my head open on the bumper of a taxi cab (which I couldn't even afford to take at the time and had to walk) because I was so weak I could hardly stand.

The Gift???

Well, it wasn't all shiny or wrapped up in a big Pink or Red Bow. And it sure as hell wasn't pretty. But God gave me a wonderful gift...He threw me, lock, stock and barrel, right into jail and then onto to my 2 1/2 to 5 year State Prison venture. It took some time for me to realize "The Gift." It took a hot minute before I wasn't so pissed off that I could spit nails. It took even longer for me to come to a realization that God had saved my life by throwing my sorry butt into Prison.

Bitter or Blessed???

Yes, good ol' Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ gave me time to think and think and think. I'd been sentenced up to 5 years of my life for something I didn't do, I just couldn't prove it from where I was sitting. That's a whole other story in itself but suffice it to say, I WAS GUILTY just not for the exact crime listed on the Indictment!

I'd done so many awful, God forsaken things, I deserved to be exactly where I was, I actually deserved Life. But how does one garner wisdom amongst the best criminals, insanest, meanest, nastiest people this world has to offer? You study them and yourself, which is exactly what I did. I turned the whole experience around, flipped the script and did everything I could to learn from it.

I took special notes concerning the fact that most of the inmates were there because of drugs, drinking, drug sales. I studied them, their behavior and I listened intently to what they had to say. As well, I was given the opportunity to go into a six month In-House Rehab Program called New Beginnings, while I was incarcerated. You are pretty much sequestered during this extremely strict program. I worked that bitch like my life depended on it, (which it actually did)all the while going through intense Interferon Treatment for Hep C.

So by going to prison, I broke the chain of heroin abuse, I broke the chain of domestic abuse that I'd endured for more than a decade and I think I broke the chain of events that led up to and facilitated a lot of my killing my self slowly behaviors. I even think I may have learned to like myself again. And it was all a Blessing, big time.

Again, it took a while to understand the mechanics of it all but I realize that most people that go in to prison come out one of two ways; Bitter or Blessed. Unfortunately, the majority come out real angry for having their lives disrupted and they're surely not remorseful. In fact most are mad because they were caught.

For me, it was a time to stop and reflect, to learn and gain knowledge about myself as well as others; what makes them tick, what causes them to behave as they do and why do they continue in the same vein of unhappy addictions and addictive behaviors. These are all seen, in my eyes, as gifts.

I was also given a gift in the capacity to remember everything about how I felt and why I did things, especially concerning my teen years. I recall, collectively, what spurred me on to drugs-n-drinking. I now have the resounding collection of "Do Not's" squarely fixed in my mind. If I was told;

Do Not Do Drugs
Do Not Drink
Do Not Have Sex
Do Not Share A Needle
Do Not Drink-n-Drive
Do Not Play With Guns
Do Not Go W/O Your Seat Belt...

I did it...and got addicted, got pregnant, got Hep C and on and frigin' on.


Yes, it's a gift that I can remember all this and have not burned out all my brain cells. I was in a really bad car accident(I was hit by two cars, drag racing, one head-on) when I was just 18. I had massive head trauma from going through the windshield. I was hurt badly enough they were going to put me in a Nursing Home. Besides the injuries that were visible, I had a terrible problem with short term memory loss.

My long term memory was not affected and I can even remember playing in my crib, climbing out and finding a bottle under my crib that was sour. I can also remember going for long walks with my Mom, in the stroller. To tide me over, my Mom would put chocolaty "*Metracal" in my bottle. It was a popular a diet drink back in the early sixties. The thing is, my Mom, who proudly exclaimed she followed the orders of "Dr. Spock" had me off the bottle by 18 months old. This means that I have memories of and before I was 18 months old.

The point is that, painful as it might be, I remember how I felt about things, especially as a teen. I mean, I can remember how hurt I was by the comments of boys like when they called me "Boobie Barbara" in 6th grade. As well I distinctly remember how I felt that I could not go to my Mom and Dad to talk about my personal problems and complexes, notable to a teen with such low self-esteem as I had. I felt fat and ugly, fueled by comments innocently spewed(I hope?) by my own Mother.

I was certainly not able to talk about sex and such. They were either too busy chasing the American Dream or had too many hang-ups themselves about personal issues. My own Mom was mean, hateful and beat the livin' shit out of me on a daily basis. It's no wonder I sought love in all the wrong places. They were "Unapproachable."

The best advice I could give to any parent is to be aware of the doors of communication. Are they closed? That's when you seem unapproachable or maybe you're too busy with work and your children don't feel they can come and talk to you about anything and everything. This is the exact spot, the very pinpoint to the beginning of the end.

See, when your kid can't come to you and ask you anything or talk to you about what's going on in their lives, the good, the bad and the ugly or you down play their emotions and you can bet your ass they have them, that's when the problems begin. Now they're going to go to their friends for advice and that sense of family. That's when your daughter is going to seek counsel, love, whatever from some older guy.

You have to realize that their emotions run the gambit from desires to be older to emotional immaturity as in holding onto childhood behaviors. One day they'll seem and believe that they're all grown up while the next they'll do something very childish and immature. But the thing you have to remember is that this is their emotions and they are really real.

You can not leave it up to the school system to raise your child. As well, you can not leave it up to the school system to teach your child about sex and drugs either. While D.A.R.E. is a good program, parents, you've still got to sit down with your kids and *talk to them about drugs, drinking, sex, peer pressure, cyber bullying, internet predators and unfortunately you've got to let them in on the very worst secret of all; That it is not all lollipops and cotton candy out there. There are people in this world that can and will harm them.

Do You Know Them???

Note the word "Talk." Now, when you speak to your child, of course, you want to command respect. If you want a rapport with your children though you've got to be mindful of these doors of communication and are they open, always open, 24/7? And do you speak down to them? Speak over them? Speak above them?

The big question of the day is this; Do you really, really know your child? Does your child have a secret side for fear of chastisement, punishment or retribution? Do they have that secret side because you might not understand?

I don't claim to be the sharpest peanut in the turd but I will say, if nothing else, I am observant. I see parents all the time, especially Mothers who treat their teens as equals, as a friend and are almost fearful of disciplining their child, expressly their adolescent children. These are quite often the Moms who want to be the "Cool Mom" on the block. They tend to look the other way rather than deal with the ginormous monstrosity that is their child.

I know all this because I was that Mom who wanted to be the "Cool Mom." And because of my own addictive behaviors and thinking, I allowed my own kids to get high, in the bathroom, in my own home. I also taught my children all the finer things in life where it concerns being a good criminal.When they busted me, it was front page news and the headline read, something like, "Busted; Ma Barker & Her Boys." I was shackled to my youngest son, for God's sake. Does it get any badder than that?

"Let Go & Let God"

For those parents that have kids already down that road, going down Addiction Alley, I pray that you will find calm assurance and realize the power of prayer. I'll pray that you see that you'll have to allow them to fall before they can ever climb up. This is one of the absolute hardest things a Mom can go through because we can't stand for our children to hurt. But the thing is, they've got to feel the burn, they've got to know that no one, short of God is going to save them. They've got to feel the repercussions of their actions or they'll continue to carry on, every day, in the same way. You've got to stay in prayer and allow them to hit their own personal bottom, now, before it's too late.

Open 24/7

If you are a parent of a pre-teen or teenager, I hope you will see the relevance of and awareness of those doors of communication, that I mentioned before. And I want you to take a long hard look at what is really important in this life; Is it that American Dream you keep chasing? You know the one where you think that both of you need to work over time to keep that second SUV in the garage, have a t.v. in every room, give your kid the best of the best, a cell phone, computer and on and on. But check this out: You work over time to get all this crap that you must ask yourself, "Do I really need all this to define happiness?"

Yes, you have to work over time and then you feel guilty for it so you think you'll compensate your kid by buying them all the things you didn't have growing up. But for real, what they need is YOU, not all this BS you work so hard to get.

The pitch line here is this; Parents, your children need you. Are you really there for them? Do you really know your child?

Hypethetically Speaking;

Did you know that a 23 year old guy is talking to your daughter, online and treats her all grown up and tells her how he desires her so badly?
(He wants to meet her and is trying to talk her into it. She's scared but wants to be desired by somebody, anybody. She believes she's ugly so she's just ecstatic because somebody has taken an interest in her.)

Did you know that your son has been driving around with his pals, getting drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the football team?
(I mean he just wants to be accepted but he's playing with death)

Did you know that the reason your daughter is so thin is because she's Anorexic?
(Yea, she was a bit chubby and the kids made fun of her, especially the boys)

Did you know that your child's failing grades are because she's caught up with a group of girls, "The Stoners?"
(She was doing fairly well but because of her low self-esteem she wanted to be accepted into the cliche of girls, you know the bad ones who'll steer her wrong. Those girls are not the prettiest or brightest so she feels safe amongst them because they really can't put her down. She'll start skipping school so she can hang out at that friends house who's Mom, a single mother, is always at work and they can party at her house and not get caught)

There are so many, "Do You Know's" you must ask yourself, about your child. And I could go on forever but suffice it to say, it's preventive medicine if you try to get to really know your child, reach out to them and let them know that they have permission to come to you about anything, especially before they do it.

Take A Look!

Your kids are less apt to seek out that sense of family, if they are still getting it at home. Take A Look! If you want them to learn about this life's ups and downs and why they should or shouldn't do something, you'd better assume the role of parent and teach them yourself. Take A Look!

If you want them to understand that drugs-n-drinking just might take them down, you'd better teach them yourself. But it's not good enough to simply say, "Now, don't you do this or that." No, you've got to explain why and a 5 minute talk on the subject is not going to do. You've got to explain how they can get out of the situation if they are offered drugs or any illicit behavior.

Your best bet is to arm yourself with an understanding of addiction and addictive behaviors. I suggest you study all you can on the subject so you may be armed with an educated opinion on the subject.

Teaching them to "Just Say No to Drugs" is not enough. What I mean by this is while the school system teaches them some on the subject, they don't know your child, what makes them who they are and what might cause them to turn to drugs/drinking. That is a question you must ask yourself before it happens. That is pertinent to you and your child and something you must face together.

Don't make the stupid mistake of assuming that your child will never mess around with drugs and/or drinking. It's safer to say that they will be faced with it and just telling them to, again, "Just Say No to Drugs" is not enough. You've got to delve into the subject, the meat of the whole shabang. And that entails letting them know, showing them what happens when you play with fire; you will get burned.

Your best stance, to take might be to let them know that getting high is an escape they may never be able to escape from. Tell them that if they do have an addictive personality and they do try drugs, it will ruin their lives. Notice that I didn't say "might ruin their lives." Drugs will most certainly place your kid on the road of self destruction. They've got to know why it's so dangerous to try; They may think they love it, need it and will then do anything to get it. That's the truth of the matter.

Speak to them now, before it's too late!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


*1950s through the '70s:

Metracal was the first weight-loss shake product, adapted from baby formula by Mead Johnson
Nutritionals. It was wildly successful. The company also marketed Metracal cookies. Metracal is now off
the market.
Source; Whatever Happened To...
History of Diets

Re-Post; Something To Think About

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

Something To Think About; Bless This Child

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

The Royal Flush

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I just don't know what to do?

Hi, and how are you today? Better then me I hope. N-E-Ways. I am a 23 year old female married to a 40 year old and have a relationship problem. I feel in order for you to fully understand my situation, I should give you some past information. See I met my husband about 4 or 5 years ago. I was with my ex and doing drugs and prostituting. He was a guy that picked me up. He was married at the time, but like all men say, he said his relationship was on the rocks and they slept in different rooms, exc. He came by to see me just about everyday and we became close, very close. He would pick me up and we wouldn't do anything sexual most of the time, we would just talk. Well I ended up leaving my ex for him. He divorced his wife and we are now married and living together as of 11/05. I have not done drugs since I have been with him, well I did slip once, but that was all. See we were all drunk and he ended up having sex with my sister, I left went back to my ex for about a week and got high. But we worked things out and I came back. He is a very controlling man. I am not allowed to talk to my family, which I can understand considering my mom is a real bad crack addict. But he doesn't want me having any friends. He says I can have friends, so I do have 2. But every time I talk to them he gets mad I'm on the phone. I am not allowed to go out anywhere with them. Nothing! I don't work, and I don't have a car. Well I had a car, but he sold it because He didn't want me to have that much freedom. I have a seizure disorder. So basically my life consists of staying home all the time, taking care of his 13 year old son, cleaning, cooking, and giving oral sex to my husband on demand, which is a least once a day. Now there are a few things I don't know what to do about. His son is 13 and he buys him whatever he wants. I suggested that maybe it is about time for his son to help out around the house. I'm not saying he has to do everything, but making his bed and taking the garbage out I think are reasonable request. He only makes his bed when I yell and even then usually my husband will do it for him and the garbage sits there till I get sick of looking at it and end up taking it out, or my husband once again does it for him. I get frustrated because I tell him to do something then his dad does it for him and it's sending the message that he does not have to listen to me. I tried talking to my husband and I turn into a bad guy for "picking on a 13 year old" What should I do???? Now my other problem. Back to the friends thing. I Started a my space account and started chatting with people on line. I posted pictures and people vote on them. We about a two weeks ago this guy john sent me a message. I wrote him back and told him to vote on my picture. Well we have been writing and joking around. He read my profile and saw I lived in PDistrust, Taken for Granted,ortage and I guess he lives like 4 hours away. Well he sends me a message joking saying he can't vote on my picture because a picture don't do justice and he wanted to see what I really looked like. I didn't respond. Two days later I got a new message from him saying he voted me a 10. So I left him a comment saying "Hey babe, thanks for taking all the time to come all the way over here to see me so and rating me a ten." Now I didn't mean it in the way that he actually came out here, I was being sarcastic because of his previous comment. Well my husband likes to check up and see the sites I go to on line and I guess he went to this guys page and say what I said. He got mad and started accusing me of having guys over and stuff. I told him he was really taking the message the wrong way. That How it sounds is not how it was meant. But he was still just being mean about it. So in order to make him feel better I deleted my, my space ,account. That way I couldn't be accused of nothing. I would rather go without talking to anyone then talking to people and being accused of cheating. So I thought that was the end of it, but when I called him on his cell phone later, I said hey papa. He goes" what are you calling me papa for you called john babe" I told him there was no meaning behind it. I have the two friends who are both females and I call them dear, and honey. He knows that. I didn't mean any harm by it and I deleted the whole my space account just to prove it, why is he still being an ass about it. So, what should I do??? What else can I do?? I love him but I don't know if this relationship is more trouble then it is worth. He is a ultimately a good man. But it seems as if he loves fighting over stupid petty stuff. I love him so much and everything I do is to please him. I cook everyday. The house is always clean. I don't cheat. I don't go out. I give him head on demand. What else could a man want. I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.

Sincerely,

Confused Krissy




Aunt B said...

Dearest Krissy,
This one is easy, a no brainer, yet it's one of the most complicated letters, I've received to date. I have very mixed emotions here, I really do. I've been in that "Controlled" situation. Quick homework assignment;
Stockholm Syndrome.
I did your life for close to 19 years. so I do have a grasp of the situation. I danced topless when my 1st husband found me, I thought he rescued me. The man adored me but after a few years, I grew weary of being Fathered by my husband. But then, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with #2 and he was so controlling and abusive. "I" changed who I was to meet his needs. I quit talking to family, friends and basically became secluded. My children were my refuse and yet, if I showed any affection towards them, when he was around, he found something to bitch them out about.
If we choose to, as people often do, we can find redeeming qualities in a rattlesnake. That is what I did and often told him he had the passion of one.
It is possible, that you have done the same thing. Right or wrong, this is something you either accept as your lot in life or you rise above it.
Example; he slept with your sister, ouch, that's gotta hurt. But it doesn't sound to me as if you are throwing it in his face. He may genuinely be hurt or may have a lack of trust because he does think that you fooled around with the MySpace guy. But he is also using it to keep you in check. He just doesn't know how good he's got it. But he's gambling that if he makes you feel like a little whore, you'll do your best to be a good girl and try to make it up to him. Fuck, I hate to say it girlfriend, but you're every man's dream of the perfect Concubine. Now, don't take offense to that. I'd call you a Courtesan but he's not royalty. Would sex slave,housekeeper, babysitter be a better term? He just doesn't know how good he's got it or maybe he does and is doing his best to keep you in your place, know where you are at all times and make you never give any attention to anything or anybody but him. When they come out with the Robotic capabilities of life size, life like women, I'm sorry but you will be replaced. A robot won't bitch about his kid or sass back, right?
His kid needs to do what he's told and respect what you ask of him. What he's breeding is a lazy little shit who'll screw up and never take responsibility, will not have good habits ingrained in him and will probably not have good habits. Often, we need to be good parents and less of a friend to our children, for their own good. But if his Dad or you tell him to do something and he doesn't and Dad turns around and picks up the slack, then the kid thinks his Dad is a chump and he can get away with shit. Mark my words, that kid will look for easy targets, the rest of his life. No, it's the little things like that, which are teaching tools and Dad is setting a pretty bad example. Making your bed and taking out the garbage are next to nothing and if he can't manage that, you watch, he'll not make it in the big bad world. Nope, we have to know that there are true and real consequences for our actions or we don't take life seriously. He sure as hell, doesn't respect his Dad or he'd do what was reasonably asked.
Back to you. Krissy, you're going to have to ask yourself, really what do you want in this life? I'm quite sure, it's not the lifestyle that hooking offers. That is one of the harshest worlds and you may feel like this guy saved you from that stark reality. In a sense he did. I want you to begin to gather your strength. I want you to begin to feel like more than a sex toy. I want you to look in the mirror and see the really wonderful woman you are. I want you to see, what you have to offer, to give, to some guy that deserves you. I could tell you that you deserve better but you don't believe it, now do you?
My advice to you is this; I don't think that you really realize that you are holding a hand full of Aces. What is the absolute worst thing this guy can do to you? Can he send you packing and back to a life, working the streets? Well, yes he could send you packing but he won't, he's not stupid. He'd be giving up the all time dream gig. If he is not abusive, which you didn't mention and I hope that is not going on, as I've been there, then what can he really do to you, you know to really hurt you? You've already lived a rough life and I'm sure you don't want to go back to hustling, I wouldn't but if it happened tomorrow, it sure wouldn't be the worst thing, would it as you can handle it. I'm not encouraging you to go back out. What I'm saying is I want you to put things back into perspective and look at your life as it is, can be, could be and what it won't be if you do not realize that in fact, you are calling the shots! Now, let's weigh this out for him, ok? Before you; He can go back to his lonely life, making his kids bed, doing his own housework, eating crappy meals and even paying for his sex. OR, he can wise up, realize that he has a good gal, who's not afraid of life and living it, keeps his home for him, looks after and tries to encourage his brat teen kid to do the right thing so he may just be an asset to his community, instead of a burden, cooks him a hot meal and his most certainly a woman any man would look forward to coming home to? I'm telling you, he will not throw all this away! He would be a fucking idiot, if he did and I'm quite sure that he's aware of it or was at one point. I think you may need to remind him. I ask you to take a chance and have him read this, if you dare. In the event that he does, I want him to realize just what he has, that so many men would wish they had. Even if you are not a princess or the best looking chick to walk down the pike, you can do better than to be treated any less than you should be or any less than a good woman deserves. I'll bet you just didn't see it this way. I also have a personal message for you and will include it with this link. I wish you only the very best. I encourage you to look in the mirror and stop sabotaging yourself. You've put yourself through enough already, it is your turn to have a good moment in life. You deserve to be happy and I hope you hear me.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Addiction's Tricky

Monday, November 13, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hey Aunt B,

Here's my situation.

I know this man from back in the day.

His Sister and I were real close. She was murdered in

June of 05 by her ex boyfriend.

At this time, her brother, and I started corresponding.

He's been in jail since then, due to meth addiction, and

of course being on the wrong side of the law.

That meth shit freaks me out big time.

This guy is now in a halfway house. Its also a rehab

facility, and he has been going through extensive and intensive counseling.

I have become attached to him, even though.

But still am torn because of his past.

I do not want to involve myself with someone with his history, but am still drawn to him.

Do I give him a chance? Do I wait till he's out, and see how he is once he's on the street? Do I keep him away from my kids until I know for sure? My family would surely frown upon him. I just don't know what to do. Thanks Babs,

If Loving You Is Wrong.....

(Hey Babs, thanks for posting your new link for me. My mama is a Babs, and that's exactly what I call her, when I'm not calling her BabsyQ that is.)


Aunt B said...

Dear If Loving You is Wrong,

Wow, what a situation. I almost want to run to higher ground on this one. Why, you ask? Because I am an addict and I know the potential. Personally, I took my addiction further than a lot of people. I had a 5 bag a day Heroin habit, I drank whiskey like I was going to the electric chair in two hours and did every drug known to man. A genuine guinea pig, hell bent. So, I do have an educated opinion on the subject. I've also been clean, from heroin, for 8 years. I know what it takes to stay clean. It ain't easy and it is one day at a time. I also went through Prison programs. No program from AA/NA to Inpatient Rehab, works unless you work it. You can not get sober unless YOU REALLY WANT IT! Most of us have to step inside the Gates of Hell, before we get sick enough to make changes, life changes, sustaining changes. My ass was completely burned before I figured this out.
Why do I tell you all this? You must understand addiction, true, hardcore addiction before you can wrap yourself in a cloak, that hard shell you must have in order to deal with someone else's addiction. This is very important. You do not want to become an enabler, nor co-dependent as often happens when a couple gets together, where one is an addict and the other is not or just an occasional user. What's the difference? An addict, in layman's or my terms is someone like me who can not function or live, in my own mind, without some chemical in my system. All life as you know it stops and the only thing that matters is feeding, fueling the addiction just to function. Meth has the ability to give such a great high and then you bottom out, boom. The drop is such that you feel you have to have it just to live. It causes great depression, dillusion and paranoia. I am a first hand witness, even in a current state as my ex and all my old friends are in the Sonora Desert, right now, knee deep in their Meth addiction. In my mind, it is one of the worst drugs, even over a Coke addiction. I smoked crack for two years, so I have an educated opinion on that, also. But meth is cheaper, last longer and is crippling.

What the hell is my point?

This is a really tough situation. I would be the last person to tell you to say F* this guy and you are setting yourself up for disaster. But it is complicated and it depends on many variables, if it might work. He can not get out of the half-way house and not continue his treatment. He's gotta take it as serious as a heart attack. You can not be condescending or have an authoritative tone, either, or a person, often unknowingly, becomes rebellious. Being supportive, in a positive nature, sets the tone. You must tread lightly, especially with a man, when it comes to your constructive criticism.

Massive Reconstruction

If you are going to consider a relationship with an addict, you must first know the nature of the beast. Yet again, you want to be understanding but not enabling and there is a defined difference. You will also need a no-nonsense approach to the situation. Are you willing to deal with this guy if he re offends, falls off the wagon or falls from grace? The statistics are, unfortunately, not good but recovery is possible. It also helps if that person has a good support system and they know the logistics of addiction, the signs of or leading to relapse. This is a study in the life of an addict. It is actually simple, yet extremely complex. If this person does not truly get to the bottom of the cause and effect of his addiction, if he does not realize the full potential or not recognize his own red flags, the things that lead him to use, then he is in trouble and asking for another Prison sentence or relapse at the very least. The only way to change things, is to change things, habits, people, places and things. You must completely start over, physically, figuratively and mentally. We truly have the ability to lie to ourselves and we tell ourselves that we NEED to get high to deal with things. Life on life's terms is a bitch. But it can be done, communication is the key. The addict must be truthful and I call it "sabotaging oneself." That's where, you commit to telling someone, tattle taleing about how you feel to someone who understands, cares and is willing to tell you like it is.

Most of us do not like exercise, do we? Dealing with our addiction and maintaining some form of treatment is paramount. But treatment and going to meetings often seem like exercise and we tend to want to say to hell with that. The things and learned behaviors that brought us to the very point of addiction are usually life long behaviors. To change this behavior, our beliefs and values system and the biggest variable, our habit, is no easy task and you sure as hell can't think that it happens over night or even in a prison setting with a few years attached. It's a life long change. It took you a life long time to acquire these traits and behaviors and you can't expect for them to just go away once you don't have the chemical in your body. There is always a want, a need, a longing for the drug, especially when the shit hits the fan, as it always does, in our daily lives. We also have to be careful not to replace one habit with another. This is where addicts tend to trip up. A Meth addict, may very well think that his drug of choice is not really drinking so he thinks it's safe to have a beer or 20. He thinks it's OK to down a few shots or a bottle because, hell, it's legal, right? But anything, any chemical will and is often abused. It also allows our thinking to be jilted, tilted and misconstrued into believing that we should do and behave out of the box. Meaning it actually can poison your mindset and can really help sustain a give a shit attitude. You might not know that attitude unless you are an addict. To do something illegal to get the money for your habit, is out of the box. To buy drugs, illegally, is out of the box. To ingest, smoke or especially shoot something in to your veins, that you really have no idea that it is really what has been sold to you and hope it doesn't kill you, is the definitive thinking, way out of the box. It is a true give a shit attitude. You have to watch for it and hopefully, when the addict entertains this attitude or his addiction, you have to watch him. Talking to them if they are moody and lending an ear may help Suggesting a meeting and going with them is a really good idea.

Going the Distance

You must ask yourself, are you willing to risk all this for love? Coming out of Prison has it's own scars and it's a prime time for abuse. If he is on Parole, it is a real good time to build up the knowledge and understanding it takes to stay straight. Straight thinking is, of course, the best time to get to the bottom of things. If you plan on the possibility of a serious relationship with this fella, I suggest you read and study as much as possible on addiction. You'll have your hands full and it will not be easy. I believe in my higher power and I pray, I suggest you do too. If the path is rocky, you're going down the wrong path. Pray for guidance and wisdom to know what the right choice is. Make it real clear, REAL CLEAR, that you will stay by his side, as long as he's serious but there will be no games, no using and he will continue seeking support. No excuses, no bullshit. You point out from the git go that you are not a martyr and will not become one for anyone. If he's serious, you'll be there for him. If he's not, go find somebody else's life to screw up beyond his own. Do you have the strength and where with all to go through this?

I wish you all the best. Everybody deserves a chance but never be gullible or stupid. Never under estimate an addict, never. Please let me know the outcome and stay in touch, please! Let me know if this has been helpful and if I can be of any further assistance.

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B
This is a comment back from the writer of this question to Aunt B...

Babs, sorry to not get back to you, I have been working like crazy this week. I so appreciated your answer. I knew about your past, and also from reading your journal and Ask Aunt B feel you hold great wisdom, and knew you would have words that would make me think.

This has been my secret, and am grateful to you for being available to me, and telling it like it is.

I have decisions to make. After thinking about this for the past few days I realize that I may not be the right person for him and his sobriety either.

I am an active weed smoker, and have been for the last 20 years. The last thing I want to do is not be helpful to his sobriety.

But as an addict myself, don't want to stop smoking for him.

We have developed a friendship, where I have always been honest with him in all I say, and I need to talk to him.

He wants to get together with me tomorrow. Which made me freak out a bit. He's within reach now, not just a at a distance, where I've been safe.

I've been a single mom for the past 8 years, with one long term boyfriend about 5 years ago. And have always pushed every man out of my life that wants to be in it.

I've been very hard on the men I've dated, and get rid of them at the first wrong thing they do, no chances.

I feel that love makes you weak, and the last thing I ever want to be again is weak.

My boys' dad is an alcoholic, and I actively attended Al Anon while with him, but of course keeping my addiction a secret as much as possible while with him. Again, my addiction caused me to not be happy with him, because I needed to quit to make it work , and wouldn't.

Sorry I know I'm babbling along with MORE issues, but your answer really did make me think, and I appreciate that, being the " I can't think of that today, I'll think of that tomorrow" Scarlett O Hara kinda gal that I am.

Thank you Babs,