Nothing Changes Unless You Change It...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

I am 27 years old. I am the mother of three kids. Their dad and me have not been separated a year and we are almost fully divorced. He has changed a lot since I left him. Every night I cry because I miss him and I love him. I did not like who he became when we were together. He was mean, abusive, and was addicted to the internet. I really really miss him. With everything he did to me it doesn’t matter right now. I am feeling as if I want to get back together with him, but I know for sure my family would basically disown me. Him and I have both spent a lot of money with a custody battle and divorce and pfa hearings and the such. I have not even talked to him about this. I do not know what to do. Part of me is saying to be with him another part is saying no. Please I just need some advice from someone that is not emotionally involved in this situation.


Dear Friend,

Far be it from me, to discourage you from affairs of the heart. I think you'll have to weigh things out carefully and then own the situation.

You've not told me, if this divorce is amicable, meaning did your husband want it too? Was this your design?

I can understand your family's feelings. It is a protective stance and I'm sure you understand how they feel. However, you must do the right thing for you and you alone. Therefore, you must look at things, trying to put your feelings and emotions, to the side...

Most men that are violent, without behavioral modification and therapy, do and will continue to behave in a violent manner. That's almost guaranteed. It's what they know and how they deal. That's not to say that he could not, after getting into a treatment setting, change his approach to life on life's terms. They do have Anger Management courses, geared specifically, to those that use violence as an outlet for emotion. But just like an addict, you must admit you have a problem, before you seek help, rather before that understanding can sink in. Often times, just going to jail, does not make the man deal with the raw emotion, as it really is. And just like an addict these violent guys need to hit some sort of bottom, in order for them to understand the ramifications of their behavior.

Off the record, if I had my way, men that are violent would be taught how it feels by being beat down, by someone bigger than themselves. Then, they might understand just how appalling it really is. In my perfect world, they'd know first hand, the fear, pain and degradation of a real beat down.

In case you didn't know it, I was in a abusive relationship for too many years, myself. It is only now, that I have some semblance of clarity and am able to look at it all with some sort of understanding. It took years to understand the nature of the beast, all it's components and to understand my own part in the co-dependent relationship. Yes, you must look at your own role in allowing this to go on. You must own it and rise above it.

I suggest you begin to look online, at all you can, concerning Co-Dependency and Abuse. The more you understand what factors into this type of relationship, the more tools you will have to deal with it. You must built a sturdy tool belt, of life changing skills and tools. Yes, you must study this, take it as seriously, as it really is and look for healing within it. The more you learn about it all, the more empowered you will become.

As I said, you must look at your primary role in what happened, within your relationship. More importantly, you've got to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You've got to stop being a "Victim," and become empowered by it. It's not about assigning blame, it's about you taking back control, within and of what you can, could and will have control of. This is a study in and of your life. Yes, you can work through this, you are not alone and you're not the only one who's gone through this. The numbers do not even reflect the true nature of this centuries old epidemic but it's no longer taboo to talk about it and it's no longer something you must be ashamed of.

My suggestion is for you to begin to assess your situation first. Read as much as you can on this scenario; this cycle of abuse and co-dependency. Then, you may be able to approach your husband, concerning him getting counseling. If he wants to be with you, he's got to realize he has a problem and begin to deal with it. Most men, know it's monstrous behavior, they're usually sorry, after the fact but can't control it. This is where counseling can help. It can give them tools too and better equip them to handle their anger before it gets out of hand.

Please, if only for yourself, research this and possibly seek help. Then maybe, allow yourself to heal before you make any rash decisions. You see, my Dear, nothing changes, unless you change it.

Overview of codependency

1. What is codependency? What's the definition?
2. How do I know if I’m codependent?
3. Isn’t everyone codependent?
4. Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
5. Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
6. How can counseling help?

Co-Dependency Links;

Co-Dependency; The Problem

Mental Health America

The Skeptic's Dictionary

A Fatal Attraction???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Can you please help me get over my ex boyfriend the father of my three year old son, we’ve been seeing each other for nearly 5 years and every time we brake up then make up, and tired of talking to him about the something over and over again, and when I talk about my feelings he keeps telling me I feel sorry for myself I really love him but I'm not shore he feels the same about me he said he loves me but I don’t feel it. I don’t know what should I do, do what I always do ask him back, but the I feel stupid if I do that, cause I know its going happen again and again, but its like when we brake up we cant stay away from each other we keep in come back to each other. But I think I'm getting really tired of this. And in the past his ex girlfriend was always in the picture I couldn’t get her out of my head when he leaves then I think his going to her, or I blame him for everything is it because I cheated on him twice and he took me back both times is it that, that’s making me feel insecure. Please help me cause already tried to commit suicide over him. And the first time I father saw him he told me to stay away from him and my father never knew how he was that was the day I met him.

Please help me.

Dear Friend,

Don't I know this kind of love. It really sucks. At times, you wish you'd never met them, other times, they take your breath away.

I don't know all the components, that are the mechanism of this relationship. I don't know what keeps it going and then breaks it up again. It may very well be, exactly what mine was; A Fatal Attraction.

I can't guess, what you are going through but if you have felt so much passion about him to the point of Suicide, I hope you recognize the fact that he's making you crazy. Been there myself. One side of me wanted nothing to do with him. The other side, didn't want and couldn't stand the thought of him being with anyone else. Thus, I stayed in a miserable relationship. I became sicker and sicker with each passing day. I was doing it all to myself, just as you are.

First, I'll suggest counseling. Therapy sessions can be very productive. The therapist often plays devils advocate and let's you know, if your feelings are really conducive to your well being. They may also walk you through solutions. Before this eats you alive, I'd see about speaking with someone. They've made it real easy, to get help. Look in your Yellow Pages for Mental Health locations, near you.

If you can't see your way, to doing this, counseling, I suggest that you busy yourself to a point of not being able to think. I mean, doing things to keep him off your mind. The more time, you are able to go without, the more healing you will have. Time heals all wounds but you've got to pull out an arsenal to sabotage yourself. Engage yourself, more with your son, do things and surround yourself with his presence. What I mean, is that, if you are in turmoil, children can feel it. If you are always unhappy, children can feel it. So, take this time, to spend it with your son and concentrate on only him and possibly a hobby or interest. Look for joy and humor. Your homework is to search for your laughter again.

It is not my intention to lay a guilt trip on you but because of all this, have you really given your son, your all? Concentrate on him, right now. If you do this and place him above all else, you'll be too busy, hopefully, to think of your longing for his Father.

I could also suggest, that you both go to counseling. Somehow, I don't see him doing it but it doesn't hurt to say so or even for you to mention it.

You must realize that you won your choices. You must own your decisions too. It's not easy to get over somebody and a bad relationship, especially if you believe you love them. But it's time for a change and it's time for you to be selfish and think about you and your son. You have a right to be happy, didn't you know this?

Try to stay away from him, for a while. If you must interact, try to be quite and concise, to the point and own the situation. Do not look into his eyes and do not allow yourself, to entertain, this notion of what could be. I say all this, only if you've made up your mind, you want to get over him.

So, keep busy, own your choices, seek counseling and above all...be good to yourself. If you are good to yourself, in turn, you'll be a better Mommy to that mischievous little man; your three year old son.

I am here, if you need me. I'm just an email away.

Jagged Pill

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B

So here it goes. . .
I'm a 15 year old girl and it seems as if I am alone in the world. Its not that I feel that nobody understands me - I just don't think anyone wants to. My mother and I were always close and I always felt as if I could talk to her but for the past 3 years it seems like that isn't an option anymore. All of a sudden, it like she doesn't even want to be near me. I always hear how mothers complain that their children don't spend time with them but in my situation its the other way around. She never wants to spend time with me, she always puts my two brothers (ones 5, the other 19) above me and she never comforts me when I cry - even if it's her fault.

It may seem to you as if I am over-reacting but please assess the situation yourself:
My mother, brothers and I are sitting a table talking. It's time for the younger brother to go bath so the nanny comes to take him. He starts shouting at her so I start telling him he's only 5 and that he must go take a bath. He starts having a fit (notice no input from my mother so far) and comes around the table and pushes me - my hot coffee goes all over my clothes. Mother decides to intervene. She takes my younger brother in her arms, cuddles him and starts telling him that I am wrong and that I'm talking nonsense while she shouts at me. Older brother starts shouting at me and calling me names. Is that fair? Am I a typical jealous middle child?
I leave the table, go to my room, lock the door and perform the daily ritual : cry.
And no, my mother does not come to my door with a heartfelt apology. She doesn't come with an apology. She doesn't come at all.
(This is just one of the many situations)

Yes, I've tried talking to my mother nicely. I have written her a letter. I've confessed all my feelings. I've cried. I've shouted and sworn. I've given her the silent treatment for 2 weeks. Does she apologize? no. Does she even care? No. No one does.

I'm a straight A student (1st in my class), I don't go out at night, I cook, clean, give her advice on her problems.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm depressed - I stay awake at night, I'm irritable, I can't focus on my schoolwork anymore and I don't see any point in living. All the dreams I had seem so stupid and trivial. I wish I could stop living. I've also gained a lot of weight because of eating late at night - I know it's really embarrassing. I asked her if we could get together so that we could think of a healthy diet for me but she never came. So now every single part of my life is falling apart.
I don't have friends that I trust enough to talk to about this, there are no therapists or counselors in my area. I have no adults that I trust that I can talk to. I have tried talking to my father but he's a typical guy and he just ignored me.

I'm sorry if this email is really long - I'd appreciate if you'd email me back the answer(s) but if you can't can you please email me to notify me that you have an answer.

From Falling apart



Dear Falling Apart,

It does sound as if you are virtually alone. I feel bad for you. I can only believe that your Mom is going through something. What that something is, I do not know. Does she resent you for something? Do you remind her of herself and she is not happy with herself and takes it out on you?

You sound very level headed, for your age. I'm not quite sure, that I have an answer except, to validate your feelings and possibly give you some coping skills.

You say that you've written to Mom and to no avail? Ask her to allow you to go to counseling. Somehow, I think your Mom is the type of woman, that would not want you, to "air your dirty laundry" in public. My god what would people think? So, if you tell her, you'd like to go to counseling, she just might be forced to look at her behavior. Once you've done that, hopefully, you can go. It will be good for you to have your feelings validated by a neutral party. It is also possible that your psychotherapist, might ask that your Mom come in, for a group session. It is then, that she may have to face her behavior and it will be in her face, with no escape.

See, Mom's are only human and quite fallible. Sometimes, we say and do things, without realizing the full magnitude of our actions. I don't think she realizes, just how deep she is wounding you. Even worse, when she can't apologize, when she has been wrong, it tends to take away from the respect factor. Always remember, never be too big to apologize.

I want you to be respectful, always but I want you to take a stand. You go to her and you tell her, that you are asking permission to see a Psychiatrist or Therapist. She will ask you why? You must then tell her that you are having a terrible time feeling like she can't stand you. This has to make an impact. She will probably tell you that you are being dramatic. You tell her that, you need help and you are tired of crying.

It may be a good idea, to go to your Guidance Counselor and tell her a bit of what is going on. He/She may be able to recommend someone. Then, armed with a name or names of Counselors, in your hand, you go to Mom and request permission for therapy. She will have to see that you are having a hard time and she may now take you seriously.

I know, there are always three sides, to every story; Yours...Mine...The Facts.
She may see things differently than you. An example would be, when you gave your little brother hell, they may have thought you were out of line. You are not his Mother. Now, instead of properly disciplining him for his brat behavior, the attention was turned on you for being out of line. I know and you know, your lil brother was behaving like a brat. He should've been disciplined. If he is allowed to disrespect the Nanny, in front of his own Mother, it will create some really big problems later. She will be bailing him out of jail, early on because she made him believe it's ok to disrespect people, adults. The behavior, that Mommy will intervene and save me will carry over to Authority figures, following rules, laws and so on. She is molding a Monster.

While you may, very well feel like the moral compass, in the family, you are giving opportunity for her and your older brother to take their animosity out on you. This is not right but it is what it is. I think you are mature for your age. I also think you require that things be fair and just, moral and right. But an example of what may be happening, is the fact that your Mom may feel, she was wrong for not stepping in and saying something before you. She then took it out on you. Future reference; No matter how badly, you want for things to be right and for your brother to behave, stay out of it. You just might save yourself some grief.

The big question here; Does your Mother think you're a know it all smart ass? You may be right, in your views but she may feel she needs to put you in your place. Don't give her that opportunity anymore. Try to get into counseling. Life is not fair and for some of us, it is a jagged pill to swallow. We expect things to be just and fair and they just are not. Now, somehow I just know that this prayer suits you. Say it over and over. Study it and breathe it in. Wear it and become it;