Dear Aunt B,Hello. I need some advice. I love my boyfriend and known him for years but started dating a couple months ago. He treats me good, shows me love and always calls me. The only thing is I feel like he has a lot of hatred in him. He doesn't like black people and hates gay people. Were both 19 years old. He also has a temper. He won't get violent but he will verbally. I'm afraid of how our future is going to be. Is this something he can grow out of? Should I be worried? I love this guy, hes everything to me. He has a good heart but he has his moments you know? What do you think I should do?-anonymous
Dear Anonymous, There are a few things going on here and I will address them one at a time; #1 – You two are still very young. I am not saying that you two wouldn’t end up together in 30 years. But the likelihood is not really there. At any rate, you two are very young and still have a lot to learn about yourselves, and yes he could change. Not saying it would be for the better, but he can change. Have you ever talked openly with him about his hatred? I ask because if he doesn’t “know” that it is a problem then he likely won’t change his mind. He may have been brought up with certain prejudices and needs to know the value of perspective and how that can affect a relationship in order to grow. So if you haven’t talked with him, that would be step one.
#2 – You say he is not violent but is verbally. Is he verbally abusive to you? Because this is a whole other ball park of situations. If he is verbally abusive to you, then you need to tell him and seek help, or get the hell out of that relationship if he refuses to change. I am a firm believer that verbal abuse does indeed lead to physical abuse, and often is more scaring because of the things that can be said. Do not put yourself through that. #3 – if he is not verbally abusive to you, but is to others then the same thing applies for #2.
#4 – if he has shared with you his dislike for black people and gay people, but is not mean or threatening.. And i know i will be raked over the coals for this one.. But he is human and is entitled to like and dislike things even if it makes absolutely no sense to you, as long as he is not hurting anyone. We are all in this world and like and dislike or understand/not understand certain things. Just because people have different views doesn’t mean that they are horrible people. It means they have an opinion. As long as that decision is not hurting you, or others, then i think it is something you two can get over. For an example, i am not a religious person. Doesn’t mean that i hate all religious people. I have an opinion about what people believe in, but i am tolerant and believe that given the opportunity everyone is ultimately just trying to do better by themselves. So it makes no matter what god they choose to believe in. When it comes to religions banning things like gay marriage though, that is when i get upset and start talking to my personal opinion as to why religions are hurtful instead of good. It really is all dependant on the use of respect, and what he is choosing to say (and by that i mean live by what he says).
So, in short, you need to figure out where this guy lays in the spectrum of things. If he is being abusive, then you need to have a discussion and pending the outcome of that may need to move on. But if he was sharing something with you in confidence and isn’t outwardly being a prick, then this is a case of weather you can stay with someone who has a different moral then you. Not a difference of right or wrong (even if we may have a version of what’s right or wrong in our heads). Hope this has helped you out a little. Let us know how you decided.
Brightest Blessings, 
~Xmichra
Dear Anonymous,
It took a minute to answer you simply because this is such a complex question. It's a life changer, your situation, your life. It's huge, this scenario and it effects so many people. The ramifications are bigger than life. Please bear with me as I am guilty of being long winded...
I want you to know, that even though I don't know you, I know you, ok? I hope you take all I have to say to you seriously. This is a Good Medicine, I want you to swallow. It may be a bit bitter and a tad bit jagged but I care enough to give it to you.¿Comprende?
I think you have every reason in the world to be concerned. There are several factors that make up who/what we are, as well as our outlook on life. This applies to everyone, everywhere, no matter who you are. These factors are also prevalent in addiction(my specialty) and sexuality. You may apply this knowledge to all value and belief systems. They are;
- Predisposition
- Social-Cultural
- Environmental
Quite often there are values and beliefs that are taught to us by our parents. We also learn them from people around us, you know, friends, associates and often from what we see and hear. The ground work is usually layed down by our parents. These habits, values and beliefs may have come from a long line of such. In other words, the person can be taught to hate, have prejudice just as he/she has been taught. Old habits often die hard and the legacy some family's leave their kin is often racial or sexual bias' and prejudice.
It is very unfortunate and more often than not, children see and hear this prejudice from their very own inner circle, their own family members. The parents may not even realize that they are teaching their children these things because, for them, it has been handed down, like an old coat, it becomes second nature.
It is a personal commentary for me to say this but quite often our religious beliefs can fester and foster such hatred. Without realizing it, again, we may have been taught certain religious thoughts or doctrine which harbor hatred and animosity.
You have many different religions, based on different beliefs and quite often the very differences between those religions is based on twists and interpretations of the Word. In other words, the Bible(most popular and read book of all time) more than any other book, has been misquoted, misread, misused and misrepresented. A lot has been lost in translation and even more in interpretation. This in fact, rounds out to be why we believe as we do; The good, bad and ugly.
It has been recorded within the hate crimes statistics that religious beliefs have often spurred violence, in example the beatings of gays because certain individuals believe it is wrong in a religious aspect. As well, Blacks have been beaten, in the not so distant past, for dating a white woman. Long standing religious thought was, that you did not date/marry outside of your race.
*WWJD
It is an extremely sad commentary on life itself with this kind of thinking, especially in a religious context. I will not delve too deeply into this subject because it entails a far reaching religious, political as well as social commentary but suffice it to mention that I dare say I do not believe that killing, beating, ridiculing, etc., over race, creed or sexual preference in the name of God can not be acceptable.
*WWJD
I will say this much; I've been around the block, a time or two. I've come across all kinds of people. In my travels, my almost 50 years upon this earth, I've seen so much, often times, too much. I grew up in the South and witnessed, first hand, racial tension, race riots and sexual discrimination, in every shape and form. It's just ugly beyond ugly.
I have learned this much and you need to point this out to your beau, when the opportunity presents itself; there's trash in every race, creed and sexual preference. Once we realize this we have to observe that not everybody of a certain race, color, as well as gay are all bad.
Yes, the ones that are bad tend to spoil the pot and create dissension. Should a Black man hate, "Whitey," because of the white trash that treated him badly? And should a White man hate all Blacks because some did act like, what is commonly referred to as a "N*****?"
Somehow, even if it is indirectly, you must say to him or in front of him that he must always remember to treat others as he'd want to be treated. If the opportunity presents itself, pose this pertinent question; If he were born Black, through no fault of his own, would he want White guys like him, even uttering the words he so fondly uses, "Nigger?"
In the same scenario, I'll allow you to read a comment I left on the ***local paper here, concerning Gay Marriage. The article has a lot of banter back and forth in the comments section and of course, me and my big mouth just had to weigh in. It explains, in brief, how I feel;"This scenario hits home
for me as one of my
sons is Gay. He is my best friend and a wonderful
person. I don’t like the fact
that he is Gay, not for religious reasons but
because of all the stereotypical
things associated with Gays. They are
assumed to be deviant, pedophilic and out
and out abhorrent. He has suffered
tremendously at the hands of close minded,
judgmental know-it-alls in this
world. He has been beaten down by the so called
“Religious Fanatics” as well
as the “[Redneck] Nation.” And when I say beat down,
I mean in a literal
sense to where I had to defend him on numerous occasions,
even at gunpoint,
down South in the late ‘80’s. I can not even write here, what
they did to
him. He was beaten unconscious, right here in this town because of
who he
is...
…I would never defend the
Gays who march
around, acting [queer]ly, behaving deviantly, promiscuously
as they are the ones
who give good/loving, relationship seeking, Gay men and
women a bad name. It is
this behavior, deviance, promiscuity that God has a
problem with. Let me point
out though that our God, as well, has issue with
heterosexuals who behave the
same way, i.e. they go out on a Friday night,
to party and go home with the
first guy/gal that she/he meets. They sleep
with them and may not even know
their name and then look forward to the next
weekend where they’ll do it all
over again. Believe me, I am not pointing
fingers…I did it too. May God forgive
me…
…The point is that contrary
to what you might
believe, most are born gay and their attraction to the
opposite sex is hardwired
into their makeup just as prevalent as any
heterosexuals taste/fancy, a man and
his extreme attraction to woman, for
example. And if they are born gay, does God
make mistakes? I do not believe
He does and He does know the heart of that
person. For those that seek out a
loving relationship with the same sex, I
somehow do not believe that God
condemns for this. Again, it is deviant behavior
that He detests Homo or
Hetero...
I’ve watched a loving
relationship that could
not be honored by Civil Union. I knew that his
significant, we’ll call “B” could
not put him on his Insurance. I watched as
they built their home together, a
home that B, who I call my son-in-law, had
purchased prior to their meeting.
They paid bills together, furnished the
house and fixed it up. Yes, they made it
a “home.” But if B were to die, we
were made painfully aware that my son would
not get that home, this place
that was lovingly put together by the two of them.
Hell, even if B was in
the Hospital, possibly dieing, my son would not be even
considered immediate
family. The one person that B would want there with him
possibly to hold his
hand as he took his dieing breath, would be an outcast and
not allowed there
to comfort him with that same love they shared…
…I have real issue with
parading Gays, acting
outlandish, even freakish because that’s what you, Joe
Q. Public believe is a
gay person. A lot of bad apples have rotted the
barrel of perception. You don’t
see the mild mannered gay who just wants to
live as close to normal life, with
the one they love. You might not know
them because they don’t want to be
associated with those outlandish people.
They simply want to honor their love
for the one person who makes them
smile, shares their laughter and love, good
and bad, in sickness and in
health. They simply want to be able to provide and
pass on the security of a
loving relationship, whether it is through
inheritance, insurance or what
not. They simply want the same respect that a
married man and woman have for
the same simply reason, people marry every single
day. Ask yourself; Why do
men and women marry beyond the religious aspect of the
ceremony? This is the
exact same reason, your answer to that question, why Gay’s
want Civil
Union."
Having said all that, (Yes, I shoot from the hip, always have, always will)I want you to really think about a few things. First of all, I question personally, if this guy is good for you. Why you ask? Well, I've just got this feeling. I don't know if you realize it or not but for someone to be verbally abusive is just about as bad as physical abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse, ok? I've been there, done that and regret the whole time I wasted thinking I could fix things and get his negative ass to calm down.
Think about this too; Do you really think he respects you if he talks to you like that? Every relationship must be founded on just a few things; Trust and Respect. If you have neither, you have no relationship. You must have both...
Oh, you say he respects you? Well, let me put it all into perspective; Think of one person he respects, whether it be his Dad, a Teacher, Police Officer, whomever? Would he talk smack to them? Would he verbally abuse them? No, he wouldn't because he knows there are repercussions for that behavior. Similar to respecting a Law, you don't break it unless you have no respect for it.
It's a shame but sometimes people are just dripping with negativity. They know nothing else. Quite often also, they will only allow the emotion "ANGER," and nothing else. It's a survival technique they've learned long ago. They are often the type who just loves to instill fear in people. It's a sure sign of self-esteem issues and more often than not, they have a very low self-esteem. But you wouldn't think it, huh? No, he's cocky to a fault and seems sure footed. But here's the gig; He treats you like he does because it's the only way he can feel superior.
Take a careful look at his friends. I'd be willing to bet that most of his friends fear him. They are his minions and do everything possible not to piss him off. Yea, he's a real machine gun when he gets fired up and nobody wants to get him on a roll. I hate to ask this question but are you a **minion too?
I do not want you to waste another minute. I do not want you, 20 years from now, thinking, "Damn, Aunt B was right." You can not fix him.
Nothing changes unless he wants fixed, remember this. Furthermore, he can't and will not change if he's not willing to look in the mirror. I can see that he is dripping negativity, while you are the exact opposite. You look for the Silver Lining in everything around you, every person, every situation. Thus, you see only his good side. Never change that about yourself, G-Friend. Be you at all costs. But make damn sure you do not allow him to take you down.
How do I know all this? I lived it. I really believed in him, I loved him like no tomorrow. He did everything he could to break my spirit and he almost won. I wish I'd have had an Aunt B that would sit me down and say, "Girl, you are bright and beautiful and he is snuffing out your light. Why would you allow this to continue? Why, if you know he is drowning in his own vile hatred, do you think you can continue to love yourself when he does his best to best you and make you feel like shit? How can you talk yourself into to thinking you love someone who represents all that is mean and angry? Yes, I know, he's good in bed but you can't live your life in bed. I also know he has a really good side and I know he can be so sweet at times. But the question is; Can you really look in the mirror, deep into your heart and tell me everything is going to be ok?"
If per chance, you find your love is so strong you are willing to endure his behaviors, if perchance you do not heed my warnings, if perchance you think I'm full of shit and don't know diddly squat...I want you to at least begin to "Plant Seeds." What that means is, without being confrontational, you begin an assault, a mind set where you make short-n-sweet statements. If he says something that's real derogatory, like when he's yelling at you, you ask him if it's really necessary for him to act this way? If he's busting on someone or about something, as calm as still water, you say, "You should calm down, this isn't really good for you to get all worked up over such a little thing." By saying this, he'll have to think for a minute, (it may also afford a minute or two for him to stop the tirade, you know, break his momentum)especially that maybe he looks like an asshole going on and on about the little things.
Seriously though, guys like him die early because of blood pressure, etc. and even worse, I have concern for your well being. Enough said!
He's got to learn that all this hatred he spits out is and will eventually come back and bite him in the ass. How do I know that? Yep, I have big bite marks on my bum. You know, I never believed in Karma and such but you treat enough people like crap and my good friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ knocks on your door.
Keeping It Real,
Aunt Babz
*WWJD; What Would Jesus Do???
**Minion-
- An obsequious follower or dependent; a sycophant.
- A subordinate official, especially a servile one.
***Post Journal; Who
Defines Gay Marriage
Dear Aunt B,
Dear Karen F,
