"Spiraling"

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, I'm writing you this email for advice. I've nearly talked all my friends' ears off and don't really feel I can go to them anymore.

It's about a guy. We've been dating since September, but broke up in January when he found out he's going to Afganistan. I didn't want to lead him on to think that I would wait for him. But we've been kind of seeing eachother since then anyway. Well in April, he broke it off with me again, but we had been going back and forth so much that I didn't know if it would last. Then I find out he's married (on myspace no less). He had mentioned something about getting married a couple months back for security reasons while he's over in Afganistan. So I obviously get really upset and tell him I don't want to talk to him ever again. Well I can't stand the thought of not talking to him so we break the silence, but we just start fighting about what he was thinking so we choose to stop talking again. So then I get the bright idea to email his wife, just to have her pass it on to him that I did love him and that I don't want to have any harsh feelings toward either of them. Because, to my knowledge they're just friends that are married for these circumstances. Well she emails me back this really nasty response saying that I have no right to email her and that she merely "tolerates" the women that he dates and all this stuff. So I vow to remove myself from all that drama. But later he texts me saying he wants this to be an impartial breakup and that we shouldn't hate eachother. But how am I not supposed to hate him? Am I wrong? Did I deserve all this? And I know it's my fault for looking, but there are now all kinds of pictures of them kissing on myspace and I'm even wondering if he was cheating on me with her the whole time.

I'm totally lost.

Thanks.

Dear Reader,

I can see why your friends would be tired of hearing about this, I imagine with all these months of going back and forth with this guy it must have been very frustrating for you, and you would have tried to make sense out of it regularly.

Okay, there are a lot of questions I kinda wish I knew the answers too. But regardless of that, i am pretty sure my advice would be the same, given this outline. You have three questions here, and a statement that you need clarified to move on. So I will try and answer them as I see it.

How are you not supposed to hate him – well. This one comes from within you. You have a choice to hate him for the drama, or the choice to forgive and forget the drama and move on. Honestly though, I would cut ties all together now. He is married, it was made clear that the relationship isn’t purely friendship, don’t involve yourself with that. It will make things worse for you, guaranteed.

Are you wrong to hate him – yes and no. It’s not wrong to hate things that have happened, we all get like that. Things don’t *go* our way, and we get mad. It happens. But, to let it eat away at you, that is doing you a grave disservice. What happened has happened, you can’t change it. Move on.

Did you deserve this - what is “this”? I want you to answer that question first. Define *this*. Deserve is a strong word to use regardless of the situation though. Generally speaking, no you didn’t deserve to feel the way you are now, which is lost. No one deserves to feel like that. But often we are lost because we have made choices in the past which when we look back, haven’t made our lives any easier. Looking back, you see that writing to his wife was really not a good idea. You know it was wrong, and you regret it. Regret is much different than deserve, and the sooner you figure that out, the less pain you will find yourself in. You can regret something, learn from it, and move forward. If you stay in the mode of * I deserve to be unhappy because of this*, you will never get back to life. And your life deserves better then that.

And the statement – you wonder if he was cheating on you the whole time. I want you to really think about if you need the answer to this. Would it help you in any way? Does it really matter? I don’t think it would, and you will continue to drive yourself crazy if you keep looking at the MySpace page, and calling and texting, etc etc.

My advice to you, is move on. It will be hard to do because you care about this guy, even through all the ups and downs, you care. You are hurt that he chose to get married and have a relationship that is deemed rather serious, and didn’t hold out for you. There is no shame in that feeling, it is totally acceptable. But now that you know why you are upset, and you know that he is married, you need to move on. You need to take this as a learning experience, as cold as that might sound, and live your life without this guy. Erase the MySpace page. Delete the e-mail. Get rid of all of that. It is behind you, and you do not need to go through it over and over and over. Doing this is what is called “spiraling”, where you keep dwelling and spiraling down into unhappiness because of events that will not change. There is no changing the past, only the future. GO and live your life! Leave this behind you.

You DESERVE better.

~Xmichra.

Hand in More Than One Cookie Jar???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

My ex and I have being talkin for over a month. He gave me a password to his MySpace I read the messages they were all from his exs he even told each and everyone of them that he wanted to get back with them. We got back together for about a week now. There was this message he send recently saying to the girl to call him asap. I want to break up with him so he can keep doing his flirty thang so it wont hurt me no more. WHY WOULD YOU SAY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME IF YOU WERE ASKING ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS OUT?! right? plz help!!

he even told me that this girl was just a friend that gave him advice about love but when i read the messages he said that she was pretty and ect.. on and on. and the password thing i had to kill him for it but he didnt want me to get uppset over the messges does this even mean anything?

Dear Friend,

Yes, it does mean something. It means that this guy wants everything and wants to give you nothing. This means that this guy wants to flirt and be with anyone, and if you were the one who went to him then he is all fine and happy. But that he will always be looking for someone else.

I truly hope that you come to your senses with this, and get of out of this relationship. I normally include something here for the off chance that things can work out, and some kind of advice as to go about doing it. But in this situation, I really believe that you are going no where with this guy.

The fact that he gave you the password to his MySpace account is inconsequential because he figures that he can talk his way out of what ever you read… and likely pawn it off as things ‘prior to you’ getting back together again.

Maybe this guy likes to have his hand in several cookie jars… who knows. But the one thing that I am getting from you is that you do not want to be in a polygamous relationship, which is to say that you do not want to be part of a relationship that involves your partner having relations with other women. And it is clear to me that he will/does want this.

Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of this one before you get hurt.

The Royal Flush

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I just don't know what to do?

Hi, and how are you today? Better then me I hope. N-E-Ways. I am a 23 year old female married to a 40 year old and have a relationship problem. I feel in order for you to fully understand my situation, I should give you some past information. See I met my husband about 4 or 5 years ago. I was with my ex and doing drugs and prostituting. He was a guy that picked me up. He was married at the time, but like all men say, he said his relationship was on the rocks and they slept in different rooms, exc. He came by to see me just about everyday and we became close, very close. He would pick me up and we wouldn't do anything sexual most of the time, we would just talk. Well I ended up leaving my ex for him. He divorced his wife and we are now married and living together as of 11/05. I have not done drugs since I have been with him, well I did slip once, but that was all. See we were all drunk and he ended up having sex with my sister, I left went back to my ex for about a week and got high. But we worked things out and I came back. He is a very controlling man. I am not allowed to talk to my family, which I can understand considering my mom is a real bad crack addict. But he doesn't want me having any friends. He says I can have friends, so I do have 2. But every time I talk to them he gets mad I'm on the phone. I am not allowed to go out anywhere with them. Nothing! I don't work, and I don't have a car. Well I had a car, but he sold it because He didn't want me to have that much freedom. I have a seizure disorder. So basically my life consists of staying home all the time, taking care of his 13 year old son, cleaning, cooking, and giving oral sex to my husband on demand, which is a least once a day. Now there are a few things I don't know what to do about. His son is 13 and he buys him whatever he wants. I suggested that maybe it is about time for his son to help out around the house. I'm not saying he has to do everything, but making his bed and taking the garbage out I think are reasonable request. He only makes his bed when I yell and even then usually my husband will do it for him and the garbage sits there till I get sick of looking at it and end up taking it out, or my husband once again does it for him. I get frustrated because I tell him to do something then his dad does it for him and it's sending the message that he does not have to listen to me. I tried talking to my husband and I turn into a bad guy for "picking on a 13 year old" What should I do???? Now my other problem. Back to the friends thing. I Started a my space account and started chatting with people on line. I posted pictures and people vote on them. We about a two weeks ago this guy john sent me a message. I wrote him back and told him to vote on my picture. Well we have been writing and joking around. He read my profile and saw I lived in PDistrust, Taken for Granted,ortage and I guess he lives like 4 hours away. Well he sends me a message joking saying he can't vote on my picture because a picture don't do justice and he wanted to see what I really looked like. I didn't respond. Two days later I got a new message from him saying he voted me a 10. So I left him a comment saying "Hey babe, thanks for taking all the time to come all the way over here to see me so and rating me a ten." Now I didn't mean it in the way that he actually came out here, I was being sarcastic because of his previous comment. Well my husband likes to check up and see the sites I go to on line and I guess he went to this guys page and say what I said. He got mad and started accusing me of having guys over and stuff. I told him he was really taking the message the wrong way. That How it sounds is not how it was meant. But he was still just being mean about it. So in order to make him feel better I deleted my, my space ,account. That way I couldn't be accused of nothing. I would rather go without talking to anyone then talking to people and being accused of cheating. So I thought that was the end of it, but when I called him on his cell phone later, I said hey papa. He goes" what are you calling me papa for you called john babe" I told him there was no meaning behind it. I have the two friends who are both females and I call them dear, and honey. He knows that. I didn't mean any harm by it and I deleted the whole my space account just to prove it, why is he still being an ass about it. So, what should I do??? What else can I do?? I love him but I don't know if this relationship is more trouble then it is worth. He is a ultimately a good man. But it seems as if he loves fighting over stupid petty stuff. I love him so much and everything I do is to please him. I cook everyday. The house is always clean. I don't cheat. I don't go out. I give him head on demand. What else could a man want. I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.

Sincerely,

Confused Krissy




Aunt B said...

Dearest Krissy,
This one is easy, a no brainer, yet it's one of the most complicated letters, I've received to date. I have very mixed emotions here, I really do. I've been in that "Controlled" situation. Quick homework assignment;
Stockholm Syndrome.
I did your life for close to 19 years. so I do have a grasp of the situation. I danced topless when my 1st husband found me, I thought he rescued me. The man adored me but after a few years, I grew weary of being Fathered by my husband. But then, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with #2 and he was so controlling and abusive. "I" changed who I was to meet his needs. I quit talking to family, friends and basically became secluded. My children were my refuse and yet, if I showed any affection towards them, when he was around, he found something to bitch them out about.
If we choose to, as people often do, we can find redeeming qualities in a rattlesnake. That is what I did and often told him he had the passion of one.
It is possible, that you have done the same thing. Right or wrong, this is something you either accept as your lot in life or you rise above it.
Example; he slept with your sister, ouch, that's gotta hurt. But it doesn't sound to me as if you are throwing it in his face. He may genuinely be hurt or may have a lack of trust because he does think that you fooled around with the MySpace guy. But he is also using it to keep you in check. He just doesn't know how good he's got it. But he's gambling that if he makes you feel like a little whore, you'll do your best to be a good girl and try to make it up to him. Fuck, I hate to say it girlfriend, but you're every man's dream of the perfect Concubine. Now, don't take offense to that. I'd call you a Courtesan but he's not royalty. Would sex slave,housekeeper, babysitter be a better term? He just doesn't know how good he's got it or maybe he does and is doing his best to keep you in your place, know where you are at all times and make you never give any attention to anything or anybody but him. When they come out with the Robotic capabilities of life size, life like women, I'm sorry but you will be replaced. A robot won't bitch about his kid or sass back, right?
His kid needs to do what he's told and respect what you ask of him. What he's breeding is a lazy little shit who'll screw up and never take responsibility, will not have good habits ingrained in him and will probably not have good habits. Often, we need to be good parents and less of a friend to our children, for their own good. But if his Dad or you tell him to do something and he doesn't and Dad turns around and picks up the slack, then the kid thinks his Dad is a chump and he can get away with shit. Mark my words, that kid will look for easy targets, the rest of his life. No, it's the little things like that, which are teaching tools and Dad is setting a pretty bad example. Making your bed and taking out the garbage are next to nothing and if he can't manage that, you watch, he'll not make it in the big bad world. Nope, we have to know that there are true and real consequences for our actions or we don't take life seriously. He sure as hell, doesn't respect his Dad or he'd do what was reasonably asked.
Back to you. Krissy, you're going to have to ask yourself, really what do you want in this life? I'm quite sure, it's not the lifestyle that hooking offers. That is one of the harshest worlds and you may feel like this guy saved you from that stark reality. In a sense he did. I want you to begin to gather your strength. I want you to begin to feel like more than a sex toy. I want you to look in the mirror and see the really wonderful woman you are. I want you to see, what you have to offer, to give, to some guy that deserves you. I could tell you that you deserve better but you don't believe it, now do you?
My advice to you is this; I don't think that you really realize that you are holding a hand full of Aces. What is the absolute worst thing this guy can do to you? Can he send you packing and back to a life, working the streets? Well, yes he could send you packing but he won't, he's not stupid. He'd be giving up the all time dream gig. If he is not abusive, which you didn't mention and I hope that is not going on, as I've been there, then what can he really do to you, you know to really hurt you? You've already lived a rough life and I'm sure you don't want to go back to hustling, I wouldn't but if it happened tomorrow, it sure wouldn't be the worst thing, would it as you can handle it. I'm not encouraging you to go back out. What I'm saying is I want you to put things back into perspective and look at your life as it is, can be, could be and what it won't be if you do not realize that in fact, you are calling the shots! Now, let's weigh this out for him, ok? Before you; He can go back to his lonely life, making his kids bed, doing his own housework, eating crappy meals and even paying for his sex. OR, he can wise up, realize that he has a good gal, who's not afraid of life and living it, keeps his home for him, looks after and tries to encourage his brat teen kid to do the right thing so he may just be an asset to his community, instead of a burden, cooks him a hot meal and his most certainly a woman any man would look forward to coming home to? I'm telling you, he will not throw all this away! He would be a fucking idiot, if he did and I'm quite sure that he's aware of it or was at one point. I think you may need to remind him. I ask you to take a chance and have him read this, if you dare. In the event that he does, I want him to realize just what he has, that so many men would wish they had. Even if you are not a princess or the best looking chick to walk down the pike, you can do better than to be treated any less than you should be or any less than a good woman deserves. I'll bet you just didn't see it this way. I also have a personal message for you and will include it with this link. I wish you only the very best. I encourage you to look in the mirror and stop sabotaging yourself. You've put yourself through enough already, it is your turn to have a good moment in life. You deserve to be happy and I hope you hear me.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B