Slice of Guilt Pie

Dear Aunt B.,

I am writing to you seeking advice on two different guys. The first one is a guy that I work with who I will refer to as Mr. A...He is 29 and has 3 kids (I'm 18 with no children) and a while ago he asked for my number and told me he liked me and stuff.....Well after we had been talking for a while he told me that I shouldn't get too attached because he's too old for me, but he wouldn't mind if we fooled around! After that little hint I just tried to back off and let things go, because I'm not that type of girl........However, about a week ago a friend of mine introduced me to this other guy who is 19 and childless, who I will call Mr. R.......we hit it off really well at first and he asked me out on a date. Well Mr. A called me that night and one of my sisters told him I was on a date.....so later that night at around 3 AM he starts texting and calling me saying that he really does want to date me but he doesn't want to put all his baggage on my shoulders!!! So he asked me out on a date and I told him I'd let him know later in the week........two days later he saw my older sister at her job and asked her out on a date!!!!!!! I don't know if i really have the right to be as upset as I really am, because it's not like he's my boyfriend or anything, but to go after my sister was just plain cruel!!! At this point I don't know if I should avoid him at work or just be cordial with him...because I know if he wanted to he could make me miserable at work!
Now the second guy, Mr. R is really sweet and very respectful, but the problem is that his ex dumped him a little over a week ago and she seems to come up in almost all of our conversations!!!! It gets pretty uncomfortable, but I almost feel like it would be rude to say something about it.....I really like him, but I don't know if or how I can help him get over his ex!
ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Romantic

Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

Okay, I will answer in the realm of the two guys. #1 is the 29 w kids, #2 is the 19 without kids.

Bachelor #1 – does have baggage. But even more so you work with him (and if you work FOR him, this is very much harassment) and as a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to not date people you work with for this exact reason. At any rate, he is 10 years older then you and has responsibilities that you have no experience with yet. He will have bills, credit, possibly a mortgage, and kids to deal with. You do not have any of those things yet, and at 18 you have a lot of time to think about getting to that point in your life. So definitely slow down.

How to deal with #2 – tell him that you don’t think that it is a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Explain that you want to stay friends, and even if it wasn’t for the work thing you are simply not ready to deal with three kids and all the responsibilities that he has. If he is a complete asshole, he will make your life difficult anyways. But if he really is a good guy he will realize that you are just trying to be honest about the situation and don’t want anyone getting hurt.



Bachelor #2 – this guy was JUST dumped. It wasn’t his choice (hence the term dumped) so he’s likely to feel hurt still. How long him and his ex dated will affect how long he will feel sorta bad too... I mean if it was like a month long thing then I am sure he will snap out of it rather fast and he just needs to deal with the dumping part (no one likes to be rejected) but if it was like a year relationship it’s going to take some time. He is vulnerable and leery, as you would be. So give him some time to get over the ex and the ex dumping him. But you can always say something encouraging swaying how he talks with you about his ex. saying something like “I know that you were hurt, but I am not her. And I was thinking it might be a positive thing right now if we could focus on having a good time, maybe it would help you get over the loss.” See how something like that goes over. If he is totally depressed then he will blow you off... so be careful not to sound like you are being defensive of your own qualities or that you are making the ex sound like a bitch. He may still have feelings for her, and that is understandable.



Hope that did you some good!

Good Luck!


~Xmichra~


Dear Hopelessly Romantic,

In case you've not read it here, some of my other posts, I'll inform you that I have what I like to call the gift of Intuition, ok? I got the Willy's when I read about this guy that asked your sister out. For some reason, I think he's nothing but trouble and yes, you should just steer clear of him. Tell your Sis not to go out with him either, alright?

You have that dude at a clear disadvantage though and I'd use it if need be. If he approaches you again, you simply/calmly tell him that you'd thought about going out with him till he went behind your back and asked your sister out. You tell him that it was rather hurtful and you walk away. Leave him with a slice of guilt pie which may very well cause him to feel badly enough to leave you alone. Hopefully, huh?

Even if Mr. A has the ability to make your life a living hell at work, you also have a trump card up your sleeve. There are unwritten rules governing this universe and he has to know that he broke a major one. Only an idiot could say they didn't know that you don't ask out a family member or best friend of a girl/guy of someone you may have dated or fed a line to. And yes, Mr. A is full of lines and bullshit. But you already know this, don't you?

The very first time he approaches you, if he even looks at you, you've got to have your game face on and wear your Bitch Belt. I think he did you dirty by doing what he did and I think you have reason to feel upset at his cruel and insensitive game. So, you've got to remember this as well as the fact that you'd done nothing wrong. So, I would use the slice of guilt pie approach as I said before. I truly do not believe that this hurt you but I do know it pissed you off. But I'd make him think that it was hurtful and hope he goes away feeling like the piece of shit that he is.

Concerning Mr. R; It's never a real good idea to date a guy that's just been dumped. There's that good ol' "rebound effect" along with all the other games people play. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may not be able to help talking and feeling all kinds of emotion. He may have just been wounded and might need time to get over this. You might say something like,"You seem to be a bit overwhelmed by your break-up as you keep bringing it up. Do you need time to sort out your feelings?" By saying it like this, it'll look as if you're only bringing up the obvious without actually saying that it bothers you for him to continually speak about her. I know it would bug me but you might need to reason with the fact that he's not really had time to "get over" her.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

S.T.O.P.S./ Fighting Fire With Fire

Dear Aunty B,

My husband and I have so many problems. We've been married almost 28 yrs, and I've always been a homemaker. It all started Jan, 2005, when my husband called home from work and told me he left a message in his friends phone and her husband got upset over it. I said to give him a call and tell him you're sorry. I also asked,why he left that type of message. He said, she's just a friend and they talk about their problems in their marriage( she also has 4 children and a abusive spouse ). We've been arguing since then about many things(finances, married too young,in-laws,me not working to pay back the money that I spent, to the point I have seen a lawyer.

Till today, he says they're "JUST FRIENDS", but I've caught him with a hidden cell phone with I love you messages, her wanting him to hold her, and meeting him in the morning (message found day before a trip). He had made my ring tone on his phone "The Bitch is Back", I have ticket stubs from his carry on, with his and her name, a copy of the e-mail she sent my daughter, saying "she had intimate conversations with my husband and she wasn't going to have anyone tell her to stop. My husband has lied about phone calls,and places where he's been missing and can't get in touch with him. By the way,his family shuns me and 2 of my 4 children. My gut feeling is, his family has already met her.

This past December, I kicked him out because he got physical with me in a argument and I had my 11yr.old call 911. I've let him back in since and we've talked about the pluses and minuses of divorce. He says he wants to make things right, but he makes no commitment of working on our marriage. We have been to marriage counseling, but he won't go any more. Today they're coaching together, and this has been going on for 4 yrs. I've also learned, she separated from her husband.

My husband says he's not happy, but he won't leave. He says, "why should he leave home since he's paying for everything" and we still have a mortgage. Our home was my grandmothers, and has been passed down to me. I've been a caregiver to my mother with Alzheimer's for 15 yrs, my husband was put in the title just before she died, and it's been 2 yrs now. Since then my husband has lied more more.

I love my husband but I'm so hurt from all of this, My 12 yr.old and I , are in therapy weekly. My older children (27,24,21) have shared there opinion and they're not happy about what's going on. I'm just lost at his point. He says he loves me, but he's not in-love. Say's he fell out of love with me 3 yrs ago.

Help please!

Anonymous



Dear Friend,

It immediately occurs to me, to state very clearly to you, that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow. You have a right to happiness, remember this. The other thing that I'd say to you, if you were sitting right here beside me is that you need to put on your Bitch Belt and own this situation.

I think as a wife, you must assert what you will not tolerate. If he wants to fool around, carry on and defile his marriage vows, you need to tell him to hit the road. In a court of law, the Judge would most certainly rule in your favor if you can prove that he is fooling around. Therefore, you let him know that you will not put up with this and the courts will back your play. I imagine the children would also be awarded to you and custodial action would probably dictate limited interaction with your husband. Tell him this. Begin to play hardball with him.

There is a difference between being passive-aggressive and becoming an assertive woman who states, unequivocally, her needs. Yes, the Bitch is Back and you must wear it like Prada. Stop being the victim here. I know it all must hurt and you feel like a victim, you feel violated, your trust and even your self-esteem is probably in question, isn't it? But I want you to flip this and begin to get pissed off. I want you to take charge of your life. See, all this is a mind set. You will be a victim until you choose to step up to bat and show him just how the game is played. You will continue to be victimized until you can say "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

Your husband chose to stop loving you, a big hurt piece, I suppose? We don't fall out of love, we choose to stop, we choose to look for fault. Even simpler in this mathematical equation is the fact that he chose to break his marriage vows. I don't know but some of us still believe in those marriage vows and as well, some of us still hold them rather sacred.

Do not think I am above contempt, in this situation and my loyalty is for you. I want to see you rise above, oh yes I do. The one and only way for you to make it through this is to put on that Bitch Belt and walk that runway. You must begin a campaign of Empowerment.

I want you to first and foremost, hold your head up high. I can already tell you've done everything possible to make this work, including changing your values and beliefs to accommodate a two-timer. You have got to face this and say, "Enough is Enough."

Why Write a Letter???

I am real fond of letter writing, if you've explored any other posts, here on Aunt B, you'd probably notice that I use the reference quite often. I feel it makes a greater impact and you are able to state your feelings, your needs and must haves on an even keeled basis. I use letter writing as opposed to becoming volatile, losing my cool and saying what I don't mean and so on. Hell, I'd be mad enough myself, I just might cloud up and rain all over his ass, if I were you. So, writing from this perspective, I know that I'd probably get no where fast, if I confronted him, even myself.

But you do have a few Aces up your sleeve, whether you realize it or not. I assume, there's the possibility that you may be concerned that if you confront him, he may get violent. According to your letter, you've already called 911, so there is record of his violence against you. In your letter to him, I would make it very clear that if he does not abide by your wishes, to get out of "your" home, you will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the Law. You do have, in most states, up to two years to prosecute him on prior charges. Let him know this.

I do notice, in your last paragraph, that you stated, you still love him. For whatever reason, you still have feelings and I am assuming you want to win, no matter what. The one and only chance you have is if you fight fire with fire. You've seen where they clear out brush by burning it right? Lush, green vegetation takes hold, after the old has smoldered and gone out. It's even so where molten lava has run rampant over acreage after acreage. Eventually, the area begins to grow back, healthier than it was. Yes, if you are to win, you must be this fire.

It's kind of an inside secret of mine, where I have always said, that "Men are just boys in big clothing." Where Mama didn't teach 'em right, you've got to come in and show them the way. In this instance, you've got to rear up your head and laugh at the heavens. You've got to either make 'em or break 'em.

My Dear, I am not a feminist. (I am a Dirty Bitch though, proud, tried and true) No, in fact, I believe in the unity of a man and woman. I also believe, in a Biblical sense, that the man, when and if he is answering to God, is the head of the household. Once again, if you were sitting in a chair beside me, the very first thing I would tell you is to pray. You pray for wisdom and you pray for your husband. You pray fervently that God will deal with your husband. They have a saying in Prison, "God don't like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid," the latter part being my quote. Your husband is being real, real ugly and God does not take kindly to anyone that defiles the marriage bed. He(God) will honor your appeals.

For him to blatantly and cockily take a stand as he has, with no shame is even uglier. Fight fire with fire. You ask God for wisdom as to how to proceed. You ask God for strength to give the tough love, that is the only way, you might win. You ask God to knock him to his knees and to deal with him where you can not.

Yes, I am for you winning here. Part of me wants to advise you to kick him to the curb. But the better part of wisdom dictates that, if you are to ever win against this situation, you must ask for help. You've taken the first step by going to therapy, then the second by writing. The first step should always be and I hope it will in the future, to consult with the Great Counselor. When it comes to this kind of situation, where you feel like you are at the end of your rope, where you feel a lost cause is raging, out of control, you must consult with God.

Do you see that all things happen for a reason? Even the fact that you've written me, is not without merit. These words are yours and yours alone. Be encouraged.

Now, my prayer for you, is that you have the strength and the wisdom to face Goliath, your husband. Yes, it was God that came to the assistance of David, against a mammoth of a man. Your husband is not that big, in fact he's pretty small in my eyes right now. God can and will kick his butt. I pray that you will see that you must fight this with fire(I realize I repeat myself as well) and you have to muster the backbone to stop being a victim. You must! If you are to win, you must stay in constant prayer. Yes, you put on your Bitch Belt and get your husband back.

I would advise you to write a letter and tell your husband that he has one choice in this situation, no if ands or buts about it. He can cease and desist or you will undoubtedly show him how the game is played. You tell him, if he does not stop his heinous and obnoxious behavior, you will take him to court, you will make his life miserable and you will do your damnedest to take him for everything he's got. You will make it clear in court, what your grounds for divorce are and his infidelity will cast him in a less than favorable light. Because of his indiscretions, his visitation with the children will be on a limited basis. As well, the court frowns on a man who commits assault and battery or any facsimile thereof. Oh yes, the court will most certainly smack him down, proverbially and you will have your way with him. You will win and he needs to know that you will win. Tell him in the letter.

See, as I said, at the top of this post, "that the only thing that happens in your marriage, is what you allow" and you must remember this. You must have have this welded onto your heart. It needs to become second nature to you, implanted into your psyche, an involuntary response similar to breathing. It just is. It is how you will win, one way or another.

I also suggest that you read as much as you can, a homework assignment, if you will, of anything tagged "Empowerment." You may find these tags, on the sidebar. Yes, the issues are all different but the words are powerful, useful tools you must add to your Bitch Belt/Tool Belt.

I am in your corner and I offer and welcome your feedback. As well, you are always welcome to write us again, especially with a good/positive update. Nothing would please me more than for you to write me and tell me, you have conquered Goliath.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to be the one to say this, but you are beating a dead horse. Your husband clearly has told you that he is not in love with you; you know that he is with another woman (that is blatantly obvious) and he doesn’t want to work at the marriage or finding his way back into love.

Honey, it’s time to lawyer up.

You will continue to be hurt and will continue to feel this way if you stay with him. Why? Because he is not in love, and he is only sticking around because he knows that he would loose out quite a lot in a court of law. Cheating husbands who do not want to reconcile usually do. And I would think that he knows you have enough “on him” to lose the shirt off his back if he was to leave you.

Don’t let this guy be the end of your ability to love, or respect the vows of marriage. You cannot control him, but you can control yourself and you do deserve better then this.

You know that in your heart you cannot live under disrespect (which is exactly what that last statement he made was), with an adulterer, or without the love you deserve. So why are you continuing to do this to yourself?

Make an appointment with a lawyer. If you want to be amicable, the lawyer will tell you what they can do for you and what is fair (you are a homemaker, so you will require income. Which isn’t something you should ever feel the need to “Pay Back”. You raised his children, and that is a phenomenal job). Talk to your husband and let him know that you want a divorce and that he doesn’t need to be worried about you taking him to the cleaners - unless you plan to do that, which you could with all the evidence you have. But something tells me that you are not looking to “get even” you just want your life back to the happiness it once knew.

Normally I do say that “I can’t tell you what to do, but..” however in this case I am telling you to leave, or have him leave. It is really obvious that he isn’t in this marriage, he doesn’t respect you, and he isn’t going to change. He is lying in his own personal hell because of finances and personal sense of entitlement and he is holding you hostage.

Call a lawyer. Get help. Get on with your life.

~Xmichra~

That Gleam

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi i need help with relationship. i met this guy who will be in my college class all my friends know him. i have never met him but i like him by the way he talks and everything. how do i get him to like me back. or understand

Dear Friend,

Well, you've not given me much to go on here, huh? But I think I can give you a few pointers.

Remember this; Everything in life, is perception.

In my youth, I loathed cliches and adages but I can see that a good portion of them come directly from wisdom. One of those adages is,

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Never truer words, have been spoken. All of life, comes down to our perception of each other. I can look back, through all these years and see that I dated some rather good looking guys and I often wondered, just how did I get them? I mean, I didn't think I was all that and if the truth were known, I never thought I was very pretty. I was told that I was but I often thought they were just being kind. That makes me laugh but I've just always tried to be realistic with myself and I have never been egotistical...that I know of. But I am real, as real ,as real can get.

I don't pretend to be what I am not, I look in the mirror and see exactly who I am. I've tried to improve where I could and accepted what I could not change. I suggest, you do the same thing. Once you are acceptant of yourself, comfortable in your own skin, your persona will change. How do you get to that point?

You must be honest and realistic with yourself, first and foremost. We all have good and bad points to consider. I don't care who you are, this is true. You can be the most famous actor, actress, model, CEO, most popular guy in school, the Homecoming Queen, it doesn't matter, they all have flaws.

I must be careful, how I proceed here, so you do not perceive, what I say as shallow or, thinking on the surface. One of the greatest tools at your disposal is your own perspective and if you can look at things, in a realistic manner, you may always use this to put things into perspective;

Find the most gorgeous woman, a picture, movie, whatever and study it. Now, look for the flaws. Let me point out, in any given situation, if you look for flaws, in a person or situation, you will find it. Maybe this actress has weird feet or a strange nose? Her body is really long and one of the most common things, for most of us women, with the real McCoy; one breast is bigger than the other. I could go on and on, couldn't I? Even the appearance of perfection, whether it's a man or woman, is not real.

Even the most well rounded person, perfect appearance and so on, has imperfections, flaws and fears. Quite often, these over achievers, have emotional baggage that would cause any baggage handler to run. We all have fears, quirks, idiosyncrasies and plain old weird habits. Not one person, on the face of this earth, has their shit together, completely. No One!!!

Having said all this, I want to make it clear to you, that I am not telling you to go around finding flaws, except to find perspective.

If you feel good about yourself, people will know it and you will shine. You own the secret. Now, look in the mirror and realize that you are noteworthy. You have a lot to offer. You have beautiful eyes, a wonderful sense of humor, a curiosity for life and you are a genuine person. No, you are not a fake or a golddigger, you are a stand-up woman, who cares for others and your loyalty, once you have given it, is unsurpassed. I see that you are not beautiful and this bothers you. Let it go because you are pretty inside and out. You are actually, quite the catch.

Your only real down fall, has been to emulate the wrong kind of people and you are a worrier. You've been envious of the wrong things. You cringe, every time, you think about that guy. Let it and him go, you didn't fail, he did because he didn't see you, as you really are. He seemed like he was all that but he isn't and never will be. He did you a favor, breaking up with you. He is a bottom feeder and not worthy of a good woman. Yes, you are a good woman.

Put on your Bitch Belt, tomorrow morning. The transformation will begin, when you begin to be kind to yourself and stop worrying about what people think of you. Be kind, think before you speak, appreciate what you have, as you've not always been grateful, have you?

I'm not sure, he's the one. If you begin to put yourself into perspective, begin to be comfortable in your own skin, become a little more assertive, less chatty, things will fall into place for you. The gleam in your eye will speak for you.

Dust Him Off & Ride

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B~

I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 3 years. We had a long distance relationship for about a year and half and then I moved in with my boyfriend after about two and a half years. We were actually living with my boyfriend's relatives because we could not afford a place on our own and we were both going to school. Well after about 6 months of living there my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I never saw it coming and I was very, very upset. His reason for breaking up with me was because he wanted to concentrate on school and basically just worry about himself. He said he didn't want a girlfriend and didn't have time for one anymore and basically just wanted space. Since I still hadn't finished my semester of school yet I had to stay there and we were just friends..how awkward. I moved back home about a month after the breakup. I was home for a week and then took a three week vacation to visit my brother in California. I didn't talk to my ex the whole time and I was doing really well but I still think about him a lot and still really care about him and love him. It's now been almost 3 months since the breakup and I still care? He never really calls me or anything but I always find myself wanting to call him. I still get upset when I think about "us" and can't seem to just get over it. When we broke up he told me that later we could try things again...Is it normal to still have feelings for him and want him in my life, especially when he doesn't seem to feel the same way? Maybe he does feel the same but I don't know that because he doesn't tell me... I've been single now for a bit and it's given me a chance to see what else is out there but it doesn't interest me...other guys I mean... I just want him. Do you think this is just a phase he is going through? I just find it odd that I am all of a sudden out of his life and it's like I am invisible to him. Why wouldn't he want to talk to me anymore because he did say he still wanted to be friends with me before I moved back home. Is he trying to get his life in order before even thinking about me again? I just don't know if I need to move on or what... Do I need to just forget about him as hard as that is for me to even think about doing? I don't know what to do...What went so wrong? I know you don't have all the answers to my questions but any advice of ANY kind would help so much. Thank you!

Dear Friend, I really feel for you, I do. I can understand, you feeling as you do. In all actuality, I would just love for you to get a little bit angry about this. I can't believe I just wrote that but it's what I feel. You've been too easy on him, even if it's only in your head.

Breaking up, as you did, is like a funeral without the deceased present. How can you grieve? I mean, if you look at this, you didn't break with him, he broke with you. That's leaves all of your feelings, still intact. Understandably, you are not the type of woman that just turns it all on and off. You are also resilient or you'd have moved on. Whoever gets you, is a lucky guy because you are loyal and loving, a survivor and you hold on, for dear life. But my Intuition tells me, that this guy, the one that let you go, is not the one.

So far, you've walked around in a whirlwind of emotion distress. You've been holding on to this guy and the idea of him. It has held you down, much like an expensive pair of cement shoes. It threatens to drown you and you must be able to see this. Thus, you have not been able to see potential in any other guy. Let me also add, that you do not have to look for Mr. Right, as he's going to find you. But you must first, grieve and get over this other guy. Right now, you have defensive walls, all around you. It says that you are taken, in a relationship and you are not attainable. Not to mention the way you hold yourself, a mix of defeat and unavailable. I bet you didn't even realize that you were doing this? How can we change this?

First and foremost, I am Queen of Perspective and that's exactly what I am going to give you. Take a deep breath, this may not be pleasant but my aim is...to piss you off;

This guy, who you loved so earnestly and with all your heart, is a snake. You've been blinded by him and I want to open your eyes, to just how low down and dirty he is.
He had to have been thinking about this break-up for some day. I'd be willing to bet, he didn't wake up one day and decide that he was going to give you the boot. No, he'd been thinking about it for some time. But he still slept with you and told you he loved you. He looked into your eyes and whispered what you needed to hear. He was a coward for not telling you, exactly how he felt. Unless you are some needy bitch, how did you really get in the way of his school work? If he needed to concentrate, on himself, he needed only to say so and I'm sure you'd have given him room to buckle down. he lied to you and I want you to see him for every ounce of asshole that he is. Right now, you're thinking, he's not an asshole, aren't you? It hurts, for you to read those words and how dare I say that about him? But it's true and it's just a fine example of how bad he screwed up. He had a good thing, in you. Don't you forget that.
His guilt was so, that he allowed you to stay at his place, all in the name of friendship. I think if he'd had his way, you'd have been on the first boat out of there. He's a selfish bastard and only thought of himself, to hell with your needs and your finishing school. He plotted your demise, with a big shit eatin' grin on his face and he might as well have slapped you senseless because that's what it felt like, when he informed you, that he needed out. Of course, knowing that you were a good thing and because he's shit for brains, he's often kept you believing that you may have a future, with him. That added insult to injury and was completely wrong of him and down right dirty. He should have been honest, that he was not ready for commitment and still wanted to sew his seeds, feel his oats. basically, he was extremely selfish. It was all at your expense and you were expendable. You were a casualty of his irresponsible thinking. See, I can see right through this. He said he needed to "concentrate on himself " and that wasn't a lie. No, that's the only truth in his statement. He is concentrating on himself and his school work is not the concern. I will say this, at least he didn't fool around on you, in your face.

If you were my own daughter, I would tell you all this. Believe it or not, my interests lie in you getting over him. He's not good enough for you and he's extremely selfish. How could you ever trust his emotions, ever again? I mean, you could go back with him but you'd never know when he was going to spring it all on you. Sure we all go through shit, from time to time but we don't throw the towel in, at such an important juncture. You had a whole semester to finish yourself and he could give a shit because he had to concentrate on himself.

It is not my aim to hurt you. My purpose is for you to look at this pile of crap for what it actually is and stop entertaining thoughts of fluffy love songs and missing him. Yes, you can put a pile of crap in a pretty box with a pretty bow but it's still a pile of crap. Look at it and see it for what it really is. Cry if you must, get it all out and then I want you to get agitated enough that you will put on your game face and plot a counter attack.

I want you to get that spring, in your step back. You know that lil swish, you do with your butt, that says you feel sexy...get it back. You don't need to get even, just get on. You will look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, who will make some guy extremely happy. You will stop short changing yourself and you will stop comparing guys to this ex, of yours. No, they don't measure up to him and they don't have his cute features. Yes, he was cute, I know that but the inside was dark and ugly. You do not want a guy like him, ever again, so stop looking for a duplicate. hell, you've actually acted like you were still in a relationship and you were still loyal to him, in hopes that he'd come around. But he won't, he never will and the best vindication, is for you, to hold your head up and strut your stuff. Take down those walls of unavailability. Body language speaks volumes. You've been lost in a sea of pain and loyalty to a guy that does not deserve, a second glance.

You remember that you are all that and a box of Godiva. You will be a loyal and loving partner, for the right guy. You must concentrate on this and get back on your horse. Dust him off of your heart and ride.

Now, hopefully, I've pissed you off in a good way. I do not choose to hurt you. I choose to make you see the truth, even if it hurts a bit. Put your Bitch Belt on and walk like you have a purpose, with your head held high and his memory burned at the stake. Do all this, see it all and Mr. Right will find you. When he does, you write me.

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn't want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn't want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody... ex-boyfriend... is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don't take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn't in the Art building, he's either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He's been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don't get me wrong... Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn't want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn't good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn't tell my mom until recently. It didn't matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I've started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I'm finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don't regret the break-up because honestly I don't think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called "Rape Trauma Syndrome". I've done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won't have much of a future, and that you won't live long. He said that I didn't really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense "survive". Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I've somewhat accepted this concept of being "friends" with him only because I know that I don't want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don't want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn't listen. But I honestly didn't think that I had much of a future so I didn't try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn't my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn't believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I'm finally beginning to love myself. I'm 20 now, and I can't believe that I survived this long... but I did!

I really feel that I've grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody's roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don't even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can't think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I've learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don't want to insinuate a relationship with him and I'm afraid thats what he'll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I'm not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don't want him to feel trapped. I've overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I'm forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I'll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I've learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******





Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you've been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing "Devil's Advocate" and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it's any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I'm banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol' anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don't you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What's even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it's not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we'll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it's victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don't own the market on that one and I don't care if you're Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You're codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You've got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!



Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it's true love, he will come back. If it's real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he's going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can't have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn't add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it's own. Don't be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don't think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you've flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps


I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I've also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I'd set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn't fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word "let." I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who'd been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he'd given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I'd looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, "Hey, you're not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer." I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you'll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he'll feel it. When you call him and you don't sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it's meant to be, he'll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your "Bitch Belt" on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn't let it go or that needy, I can't live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here's the only reason I want you to see him...to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, "We have to get back together," scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don't fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he's a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here's the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to...unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can't guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!




Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God." I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can..."Let Go and Let God."
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There's not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don't let this break you. Don't give him this. Let go and let God.



This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment...

WOW.... wow! That's all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I'll start at the beginning:

I've gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don't remember, but things are coming back. I'm remembering more details about what happened. I know it's a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to "STOP!". I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody's childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom's sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn't believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I'm not completly there yet but I'm on my way. I've also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I've been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself..... gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn't want too. I've never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I've been giving so much to the Lord, and I've realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He's called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He's been seeing change in me. We've talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now... I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can't ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he's scared that I'll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can't ever happen, I'm healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: "Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody's dreams, why don't you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!" I've been living by that ever since. It's been amazing!

I've begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I'm finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I've had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I'm getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it's never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn't. I've realized that God wants me to write about my story. It's going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn't realize. For instance... there's a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn't exhist... look at me. I'm not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I'm still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which.... Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I'm realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he's been wanting to do more stuff with me I've realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don't want to kickstart our relationship because he's not ready for it and neither am I. I'm still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I'm a wonderful person. And as more time passes I've realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me.... I've realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren't over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we'll still at least be friends, and I'll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don't know whats in store for my future, and honestly I'm not scared. But I know it's going to be amazing.... but summer... that I'll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******