Set Up From the Get Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi Aunt B,

I really need advice from someone that isn't my friend, or have no interests in the middle.

MY boyfriend and I have been together officially 2 months now. We live an hour away from each other.
We used to be on the phone/webcam for hours on the weekend, and I never felt alone I felt like he was with me, even with the distance.

About a month ago, he started decreasing the attention, and now only calls once a day, at night. Sometimes I'm already asleep cause he calls really late and I work. He tells me, he doesn't call earlier because he is with his friends, and I have in the past got upset about him not paying enough attention.

So he always have a million excuses because some nights he doesn't call. The distance is an issue because he could be lying and I wouldn't even know.

So basically, how do I deal with this? How can I get him to be the way he used to be? to pay me more attention and appreciate more? I just need more love. He is 18 and I'm 24.
What is more important play videogames with his friends or her girlfriend? Is like I have to wait until he feels like talking!

I've tried to talk to him about it both peacefully and acting upset. None works, he always says: there you go again

Pleaseeee help.

Dear K,

Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain, no matter what the age. But the younger the guy, the harder it is to keep their attention. As well, you can not ever make them have the emotions you want them to have, no matter how much you complain about it. It's either there or it's not.

It's entirely possible that he has become distant because of the distance. Now, while it's not fair to you, considering that you are in an established relationship, I think it's time to shift gears and look at the entire situation.

It may not seem like a lot of difference in your age but there actually is, if only the level of maturity. If he's basically just turned 18, he's probably feeling his oats, meaning for the first time, he really doesn't have to answer to Mom & Dad. Unfortunately, he may also view the commitment between the two of you as answering in a similar fashion. He may be a bit resentful.

At the same time, I feel he's a loyal guy who cares greatly about you. But quite honestly, he may not be ready to stand by that commitment in the same way you are. There's the difference in age coming into play. You are at the age, where you're probably thinking on a more serious level, you are more apt to take things seriously, especially your love interest.

At the prime age of 18, most guys know they have their whole lives ahead of them and they act accordingly. Yes, that's kind of a rough year, a proving ground where they still care what their best buds think and do and for the most part, most of those guys are into the single life, one without commitment.

Now, I don't say all this to discourage you. On one hand, you must see that he cares deeply for you. I mean really, I don't think he'd bother to even call if he didn't have feelings for you. But again, you can not make them have feelings they don't have, i.e. a need to talk on the phone, which is another form of commitment, believe it or not.

Really, there's only a couple things you can do. You might talk to him about this "commitment" and what it means to you. You also might ask him what that means to him? Remember, he's an 18 year old guy and some may get offended by this but at that age, they've not been trained as to how, what, where, the ins and outs of a wholesome relationship. This actually comes from a partner who teaches them what is actually expected of them. Some/most are not born knowing all these emotions and so forth. It is normally a woman who takes them by the hand and walks them down that path of understanding.

The other thing you can do is come to the realization that this may not be an ideal plan and situation. I can not reiterate enough that you can not make him have emotions he just does not have. All the nagging in the world will only garner resentment. Now, talking to him and stating your needs in the relationship, is a horse of a different colour. I do have the feeling that you've already done this?

The calls will get fewer and fewer if he feels he's going to catch hell because he calls you late and so on. Either talk to him, giving him the option of walking away unscathed or concede that this is all you will get; a call when he's in the mood, done gaming, done with his pals and so on.

I think explaining to him what you need in this relationship and actually what you have a right to have and asking him if he is willing to go the distance, is all you have. It's a set up from the get up, my friend and I actually feel for you. I understand that you want things to work but you must see how much is going against you here.

You've been together, a mere two months, although I know when you're in love that feels like a long time. I guess what I'm saying is speak to him, lay your cards on the table expressing what you need from this relationship and simply ask him to make a decision that is fair to you both; To commit or not to commit, that is the question?

On Top of the Program

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world, but i keep thinking he's flirting with my best friend and my best is slowly flirting with him! i really like him and want to keep him for everrrrrrrrrr! So what shall i do i soooooooo want to keep him for ever hes soooooooooo cute!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

From troubled lover

Dear Troubled Lover,

Well, you've not given me too much to go on but this is surely a classic case. It's also nothing I've not seen before, nor is it anything I've not experienced myself. I'd be willing to bet, this happens all the time, to countless couples, friends and so on. But it can be fixable, just as Soulseer says, "All things, in life, are fixable."

I can tell that you are young and ask you to pay attention, to what I write to you. Life lessons, my Dear, I will tell you things, you may carry all your life, ok?

It's no big secret, that guys are hardwired differently than we are. They think about sex, all the time, a constant, the younger they are. It's also no big secret than men are more apt to fool around, that's a statistical fact, unfortunately. Having said this, you have to remember to be smarter than the average girl/woman.

This guy may not be Mr. Right, the man you will marry but if he is or isn't, you can apply what I write you to this and future relationships, ok?

Trust is the biggest factor, in any relationship. While you may trust your man, you never feed him to the Lioness', you never look the other way and you never believe it won't happen to you or your man is exempt from the urges of temptation.

You'll make yourself sick, if you allow it to run you but you just have to be on top of the game. For the guys that like to place themselves into situations where they may be tempted, i.e. going to bars, strip clubs, frat parties, beach parties, etc., where you are not present, they are certainly placing themselves in the line of fire. When and if they add the factor of drinking/drugs, their inhibitions and ability to abstain from temptation is almost always compromised. I'd be willing to bet that most guys, if and when they did fool around, would admit they were under the influence. They like to blame it on drinking, an excuse for their indiscretion.

While you can not stop them from doing what they want to do, you can make it very clear that what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander. You must always place them in your shoes, let them feel what you are feeling, when they go out and you don't know what they are really up to. I have rarely seen a guy who has the capability to really understand, until they themselves live it, what it's like for you to sit home, wondering what they are up to. Wonder and worry. So, sometimes, you must turn the tables and let them sit home and wonder if some guy is hitting on you. I hate to say it but often times, this is the only way they'll really get the gist of the emotions that go with this. I had to do this because my husband was always saying that he "needed" a night out with the guys. I'd sit home wondering what was really going on. After a few Saturday nights, home alone, I made the decision to put him in the hot seat. It changed his opinion about things as he sat wondering and waiting. Just an example.

While this may not apply to you, at this age and juncture of your life, it may, a few years from now and the concept, of placing them, in your shoes, rings true for everything.

You don't want to be perceived as a worry wart, possessive, jealous or accusing, I think you need only to put things into perspective for your guy. At first opportunity, you sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that's just too much, not to mention. Then, you have to spin things, just a bit. While it is not a lie, you must have a certain approach, as to how you lay all this out.

You tell him that you care so much about him but you're not stupid. Now, this is the important part; You tell him that you've noticed your friend, coming on to him and then you tell him, he's probably not even aware of it. See, by saying it, like this, you are not accusing him and he won't put up a wall of defense. You are shifting the blame on your girlfriend, that lil' hussy. I might add that she's not much of a friend, knowing that you care for him, so very much and flirting with him, right under your nose. Actually, it's pretty disrespectful and she's crossed that fine line between being friendly with your boyfriend and being out and out flirtatious.

"I will not be disrespected, in this manner and from this point on, I'll ask you to keep your distance from her, as she is not really my friend anymore."

My Dear, you do not need friends that will blatantly disrespect you, understand? You tell him this too. Friends don't flirt with the guy you care about, even if they are pretending to just be fooling around.

By saying all this to him but not accusing him, he will now see that you are on top of the program, you are not blind and you want nothing more to do with a friend that would throw a wrench in the works of your happy relationship. In turn, him knowing that you can see what's happening, he'll cool his heels, maybe keep his distance from her because he knows you know what's what. Yes, always be on top of the program, be one step ahead of the game.

The next step, is you go to this supposed girlfriend and you let her know that she has disrespected you by being overly flirtatious with your guy and you'd appreciate it, if she would stop as he's getting the wrong idea. Guys eat it up, when a girl flirts with them but it opens doors of opportunity that should not be open.

If you feel you can't approach this friend and tell her that she's done you wrong, which she has, you begin a plan of distancing yourself from her and especially when you are with your guy. Remember, with friends like her, who needs enema's?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 yrs old and I am 8 months pregnant. I caught my husband on the internet looking at porn sites and it totally devastated me. I dont understand what you can get out of looking at pictures. This made me feel real insecure, I feel like is that what he wants because I sure dont look like those girls on the site. And if that is what he wanted why did he marry me? I asked him why and he just says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he'll never do it again, But it isnt the first time this has happened and I dont know how to deal with it, It has really put me in a depression. Everytime I see I pretty girl I hate her, I feel like she is ruining my marriage even though I know she isnt and I hate feeling this way. Please Help me....

Confused

Dear Confused,

You're not alone, when it comes to your man looking at porn, just to let you know. A lot of men/husbands look and watch. I was and felt the same way. As well, I do believe there's a larger group of us, who just don't care for our men looking/ogling at porn.

Recently, I had a friend who's husband went to a Strip Club with all his buddies. She was 8 months pregnant and I'm sure you can relate to all that she told me, as to how she felt. I spoke with her at length, to get to the bottom of it all.

For starters, when we are pregnant, we don't often feel that glow, people say we have. You get to a point, where you feel more like a beached whale, than a woman having a baby. You're already feeling vulnerable, concerning your own appearance. You get to a point where you no longer feel sexy, much less desirable. So, how can you compete with those young girls with their perky breasts and high -n- tight tiny hiney? You begin to view those girls that dress rather teasingly as your own demise, a threat, those little sluts, huh? Well, again, you are not alone.

Even those of us, who aren't pregnant, feel the sting of the scantily clad. Those girls are not representative of what's real, you know the ones in the magazines and porns. The girls in the porno mags are airbrushed, as well, in the movies, they can digitally make them next to perfect. No one can compete with that. No one.

It's a double edged sword, this so called equality, we have as women. We fought for all the wrong things, we really did and in this sexual revolution, ushered in, in the 70's, we've gone from bad to worse. Why do I say this?

In an age where women are getting all this plastic surgery, it puts undue pressure on those of us, that are, "a la natural." Once again, we can't compete with that which is fake.Unfortunately, this mind set and behavior will continue, until we, as women change it. I don't see it happening, anytime soon. But what can you do about you?

I think hubby needs a little dose of perspective. He needs to understand how it feels, to be in your shoes. I assume you two, planned this child together? It takes two to Tango, does it not? He must pull his weight, in every way possible. But in order for you to get this from him, you must take away any resentment.

I've always said, "Men are just boys in big clothing." Now, I am not a feminist and it's never been, "I am woman, hear me roar," either. But men and women are different and quite often, it comes down to making your man understand, just what's what. I won't call it training but coaxing. Your hubby needs to be coaxed to do right by you.

They sell porn, it's on the Internet, it's just about everywhere you turn. There is a demand for it, or they'd gone out of business, a long time ago, right? So hubby sees that all the other guys are looking, why can't he? I'll bet he's thinking this, right now. He needs perspective, coaxing so he can let go of that resentment. Yes, it's there, guaranteed.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

He must try to understand, how you feel right now. I'm quite sure, he tells you he loves you, every day, huh? But there is a difference between love and desire. He would probably tell you that he desires you too, right? But you don't feel very desirable right now and he could tell you, till he's blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Now, this is not his fault, that you don't feel desirable, now is it? But it's a fact of life, a rite of passage, for a mother. Things change, the variables change, your body changes. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever be or feel the same. You must adapt but that does not mean you must bow down to what you dislike or find offensive.

A Dose of Perspective

You must put all this, in terms your man will understand. You must help him to feel what you are feeling. Try to explain to him, calmly, what it is like, when you feel like a baby making machine, then a Mom and not the young and desirable woman, he once lusted for. Don't lecture him. No, we must make him understand but put the resentment aside. You will both become resentful, if you can't calmly allow him to feel what you are feeling. You must make him understand how it would feel if he caught you looking at porn.

How would he feel, if he purposely had to gain weight? Would the girls look at him? What if he shaved his head? I mean some guys can sport that look, while others look absurd. But I say this for a reason; how would he feel about himself, if through no fault of his own, he was suddenly fat and bald? I mean like, he wakes up one morn and then, he looks in the mirror and he sees himself and thinks, "Eeeeeew!" He then walks in, feeling less than and you are watching some built guy, bulging with muscles with a big, you know what (bigger than his) and it's very apparent that you are purposely looking at it. It wasn't an accident, you went to that site, for a reason. How would he feel? No you didn't fool around but it feels like you might as well have cause he feels betrayed. He feels like he doesn't trip your trigger anymore cause if he did, why in hell would you feel the need to look at that? So, now he's standing there feeling like you must not love him anymore and at the very least, he's not desirable? You must make him understand.

Flip The Coin

The other half of our realization here, is that if we don't want our man to shop at another store, we must know the nature of the beast and embrace the facts. Men are hardwired differently than women. They think about sex more, this is a statistical fact, I'm sure you could bear witness? What the hell are you saying, Babz?

I'm telling you to always be aware of the fact that, your man is an animal and you must feed the animal. You may have to work at it. You may have to give a little more of yourself. Don't just get pissed off at him, look at his nature and try to understand it. Yes, he's a Lion, capable of being savage. It was a savage act, for him to look at the porn but just like a lion eats raw red meat, raw feelings are there and you must understand this. You must know how to master the Beast.

You will not be pregnant forever. These feelings of inadequacy will subside and you will begin to feel like your old self. Right now, I'm sure you're Hyper-Sensitive to the subject and the impact of it all cuts a bit deeper. I have the feeling that you don't care for him, looking at porn in the first place but right now, is sure as hell, not a choice time for him to make that mistake. Put the shoe, on the other foot for him and make him see.

At the same time, you guys have been married 14 years. I imagine that you had some magic/chemistry there. Ask yourself, if you quit working at the marriage? Did you take things for granted? I mean he needs to ask himself the same question. I am not pointing the finger at either of you. I am simply saying that, although you can love each other, is the lust and desire gone? He'll deny it, ya know. But there are things, you can do, to keep him coming back for more.

As I said before, you're almost done with the pregnancy thing. This sensitivity may subside a bit but, I feel you must come to grips with who you are and where you want to be. No, you'll never be the young woman you once were. You could make yourself sick, just thinking about it. I went through this myself and I know how you feel. It's enough to piss off a preacher, when you see some young girl, walking around with the top of her thong, clearly showing, purposely sticking out of her pants or sweats or whatever. Yea, your husband is going to look and yea, he might even think it's sexy. Facts of Life.

You can't change how he thinks, even if he looks. You can control, if he acts upon things. Put it into perspective, as to how it feels, for you, especially right now. But do your part to keep him thinking about you. Do your part to blow his mind and trip his trigger. Yes, men have fantasies but if what you're doing is real, he'll think about that first. Go that extra distance to be a dirty girl, in bed. Take control and pretend you're at the rodeo. Ride 'em Cowgirl!

Catch More Bees with Honey

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and it has been both a good satisfying relationship and a struggle. Both I and my husband, met in a support group and have been in recovery for 15 years. We both had previous relationships that didn't work out but never when both parties were sober.This is my problem- I became disabled 9 years ago as a result of a work injury ( I broke my back in the health care industry) since that time I have had 3 spinal surgeries and am in severe pain all the time. We recently moved to a new "dream home" which both of us agreed upon. The trouble is that I do most of the household chores, I ask my husband to help me and he gets extremely angry or he doesn't do what I ask. I can ask him 20 times to do something and he won't do it. I get fed up and get angry and then he will begrudgingly help me. I can ask him to vacuum (which I cannot do) and he wont do it for weeks if ever. I feel extremely depressed over this situation because when we moved into this new home (which is very large) he agreed that we would both contribute to housework. So far he hasn't done much of anything to maintain the cleanliness of the house, I do everything. I wouldn't be so bad if I was healthy, but I am in extreme pain and it is a huge effort for me to keep the house very clean which is the way I like to live. To make it worse, he goes out all over the neighborhood helping people with chores and work and then wont help me when asked. He spends a lot of his time out helping others and will literally Run when someones else asks him to do something. To his credit, he has been very good to me monetarily and is there for me with support of the house, he has retired now so it's not like he's working full time and then he's coming home and I'm asking him to do housework in his off hours. When he was working I was able to hire a lady part-time to help me around the house. Now that he's retired he gets livid if I say I want to get someone to help me. He gets irate if I say that I cannot do all the work alone. And I have to add that we are financially (not poor) we have money. When I say I'm going to get someone to help me he gives me dirty looks and wont talk to me. Thanks for listening Aunt B

JAYNIE HOUT

Dear Jaynie,

I too live with excruciating pain, so I know what you are dealing with. Some days are better than others. Quite often, the simplest tasks can seem insurmountable, not to mention, just the thought of having to do something, you know will be painful, causes stress.

It's unfortunate but I have noted that more often than not, people with physical pain are not given too much compassion. I do not understand this premise but it is real. They seem to have more sympathy and understanding if, for example, they can see the reason for the pain, i.e., a cast and so on.

How do I know this? Well, I for one, in my healthier days, had no sympathy for whiners, as I so fondly referred to them. I had no sympathy for what I did not understand and quite often, people are guilty of this. If they've not walked in your moccasin, they don't have empathy. If they can't see, with their own eyes, your pain or the reason for your pain, they don't seem to comprehend. It's a sad, sad commentary on life, as we know it but it exists. I do believe God allowed me to go through, what I have to gain perspective and lots of Empathy.

It's quite possible, your husband does not comprehend, just how intense your pain is, not to mention, how distasteful it is, for you to live, in dirt. He obviously, does not realize that a simple job, such as vacuuming causes you pain and I'd be willing to bet, that you are able to vacuum but pay for it dearly. He has seen that you will do it and figures that you'll eventually fold your cards, get fed up and just do it.

In addition to not taking you and your pain, as seriously, as he should, I think you have a lack of respect, factoring into this. You may question me saying this but let me point out a couple things. When he runs to help others, it is because he wants to keep, attain, maintain respect, for the individual that he's helping. A lot of that is posturing. He wants these people to look up to him, think he's a good guy, keep or gain their respect. I'm sure, he only does these things, out of the goodness of his heart and he wants them to have a high opinion of him. I mean, really, who goes out of their way to do odd jobs, for nothing, unless their is an actual motive. Even the best of intentions, have a motive. I think his MO is to let things go, at the house but keep up this persona on the outside.

It's the same as a guy/person, who speaks to you, in a nasty tone, says harsh things, cusses you but he wouldn't dare behave that way, to a friend or neighbor. If he respected your relationship, he would treat you, as a would a friend. What happens, in many situations, is they become lackadaisical, familiarity breeds contempt and they lose sight of that respect factor. So, what can you do about it?

First you bring to his attention, the respect factor, he no longer has. Ask him if he feels he can treat you any kind of way? Demand his respect and tell him, if he wants yours to continue and he wants to be the head of the household, he must behave like the head and pull his weight. Being a nice guy starts at home. As it is, he's obviously not held your respect, or you'd not have written.


The other suggestion I have is two fold;

1. Hire someone to vacuum, only vacuum, once a week.
2. Call his bluff and tell him, you want to move to a smaller home, one that you can manage.

Your approach, to a man, such as your husband must not be as a nag. He stopped hearing you, long ago and your attempt to make him do things has failed, right?
You get more bees with honey, than vinegar. Change your style possibly, when you ask him for help. Try not to sound so demanding, don't nag because he's just being rebellious. Sorry, but my perspective or experience is that men are just boys, in big clothing. If they think, you're telling them what to do, they will do the exact opposite. If they think you are trying to run the show, they'll throw a wrench in the works. Find a different way, to ask your husband for assistance.

Don't hound him, stop nagging and possibly let your standards down just a tad. I know you like things neat and tidy, many of us do. I know that I was a nut sometimes but I did have to learn that a little dirt, never killed anyone. I am not telling you to live as pigs in a stye, you shouldn't have to. But if you are on his butt from dawn to dusk about all this cleaning stuff, that isn't important to him, you are just annoying him and he won't budge. Nope, he's gonna show you who's in charge, what's what and what's not.

My Advice; Put on your prettiest lipstick, nicest lingerie, lure him into your boudoir, sex him up, tell him you are sorry for nagging him, ask him to help you, when he can and pay for someone to come in and just vacuum.

Proceed With Caution

This was sent to Aunt babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is Angel and i need some advice but don't have anyone to ask, i have this boyfriend for 2 years and during these 2 years he was living with an ex girlfriend and his three kids. i finally got the courage to dump him this morning and he left but came back an hour later crying because he told his ex that he loved me and he did not love her anymore and she was leaving with kids, but before this a lot of stuff has happened about 4 months ago i turned 21 and we had a cook out and then we were all suppose to go out to bar but he did not show up so i dance with my friends and he got mad at me the next day and i told him it was his own fault, but then later we worked it all out, but then at work one of my guy friends tells my dad who works with me as well that the reason he did not go to the bar because he went to another friends house to hang with some girls. i confronted him about this and he said that he did go but just to drop something off and went home, but then he went to my guy friend and ask why they would say something like that you know that he loves me so much it hurts and how he is leaving everything for me(his 3 kids)but he found out who said it and it was my friend Pete, well the they got to a fist fight and i got mad and said why you fighting with my friend over something you started and thats when i broke up with him but every thing worked itself out but my boyfriend doesn't want me to even say hi to Pete but i have been talking to him but without my boyfriend knowing but today he caught me talking to him and he got mad at me and now he say he is going to break up with me, but there is only one way that he will forgive if i get rid of my dog and move in with him, i do love him a lot as well as the dog she is part of my family he never did like the dog i not sure what to do i mean i do have my parents that said they will take the dog and i could always go back to my life if it doesn't work out, i mean we had all these plans i was suppose to go to Texas in August to meet his parents and family, oh and by the way if i leave him i would have to find another job because he is my line leader. well please if you can give me some advice

Dear Angel,

It doesn't sit real well with me, him telling you that you can't speak to Pete and then breaking up with you, over it. I have a lot of questions, concerning his motive, for fist fighting with Pete, as well?

None of this sits well with me. I mean, in one way, you may be flattered, that he insists that you move in. You may also, like the fact that he went to battle, well, I'm sure you have mixed emotions about that, considering it was your friend. But in all due reality, he has no right to forbid you, not to speak with your friend. I can understand him, not wanting you to speak with him. I could also understand him, relaying his distaste for you speaking with him but it sounds a bit controlling.

I don't know why he would tell you, that you can't have your dog but he sure sounds demanding, possessive and controlling. Proceed with caution.

If he is willing to place such demands upon you, in order to continue the relationship and you allow it, to appease him, he may take it to the next level and begin to tell you who you can and can not be friends with. He may further try to isolate you from family. Proceed with caution.

For some reason, I don't have a real good feeling about this. I understand that he made sacrifices, in order for you two to be together but to demand that you move in, is again, extremely controlling.

If you choose to move in and try to make this work, be aware of the potential for his ability to be controlling. It's one thing to do something because you want to as love is never forced, coerced or controlled. But never allow someone, no matter what, to place demands upon you, that you are not comfortable with. Inviting you to live with him, is one thing but a rush to move in, could be inviting disaster. For him to place emphasis on the fact that you must move in with him or else, well, I'd like you to look at this. Proceed with caution.

The other thing I want you to look at, is the fact that he was living with someone else and conducting business with you. It was supposedly his ex, right? Yet, he tries to make himself look like a Martyr for the cause by leaving her. Are you certain, she was completely the "EX?" The second question is this; will he do the same thing to you? Will he get bored with you, start seeing someone else and call you the "ex?" Never think, if he's behaved a certain way to someone else, that he won't do it for you or to you. It can be a trademark behavior. I may be wrong about this but damn if I don't feel like he's a semi-pro player. Proceed with Caution!

If I am wrong about all this, I sure welcome you, setting me straight. I am not accusing, I am only trying to make you see possibility. I want you to go into this with both eyes wide open. I wish you the best.

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I'm looking for some unbiased advice. I am 19 years old, engaged (he's 22)
and mother to 2 beautiful twins babies; a boy and a girl. I got pregnant
when I was 17 and a senior in highschool. My fiance and I, (we've been
engaged since October 2005) could not have been happier, but it was still
difficult for me, as happy as I was, I was still so young. Everything
throughout my pregnancy went well and on July 19th 2006 I gave birth to my
little munchkins. My man was right by my side the entire time, he wasn't
allowed to stay with me over night, but he was there till as late as they'd
let him stay and got there first thing in the morning. I had a c-section so
he helped me go to the bathroom and anything I needed afterwards. For a
month or so he helped out at home making bottles and such. I know it was a
hard adjustment especially for him. The babies are about to me 11 months
old, and my relationship with my fiance has deteriorated tremendously.
About 5 months ago he had lost his job and started collecting unemployment,
we've lived with my mother and things have been kind of tense because he
doesn't really do anything to help out around the house leaves his dishes
around and doesn't pick up after himself. But my mom tolerates it as do I,
because every little thing triggers a fight. And he rarely stays home to
help with the babies. Now I am home ALL day with 2 babies whom I love more
than anything in this universe, but after a while I need a break. He's
started back to school which is from 8am to like 12:30pm. He always goes to
his parents house afterwards or his making excuses why he can't be home.
All we ever do is fight and it's not all him. I snap at him for stupid
things and he snaps back, we are both stubborn fighters. I finally broke
down about a week ago and was ready to end our relationship, but I don't
want to throw away all of our good times and years for just a few months of
stress and turmoil.

I had happened to catch a glimpse of one of his messages on the computer and
it was to some girl he met over the internet that I went to school with
she's a year or 2 older than me. I am extremely jealous and so I got upset,
and he told me it was just because they knew the same people. Now I got
paranoid because I knew how bad we had been fighting and how much we've been
pushing each other away. We barely have sex and when we do it's like bam bam
done time to go to sleep. I started checking his text messages and call log
on his cell phone, as much as I didn't want to I couldn't help because being
home all day my mind wanders and I think WAY too much for my own good. So
I'm reading the text messages and he's telling her how we always fight and
how they should get together and hang out. I have a history of depression
so this sent me into a tailspin. I started crying at the drop of a hat. I
told him we have to talk. But he gets his guard up and gets nasty and
starts fighting with me. We talked and got everything out in the open. He
hasn't cheated on me, and says he NEVER would do that. Which I do believe
but like I said I am home all day and my mind gets the best of me, and I'm
glad that I found the messages because if I push him away enough than that
may drive him to the point of doing it. This past weekend he went to a wet
down and I let him go, because I usually get all bent out of shape when he
wants to go out because I RARELY get to go out myself, if I do it's with
him. I also hate when he goes cuz he never calls me and I never seem to
know if he's coming home or not. So we talked Friday he went to this thing
on Saturday. Now he normally would leave at like 9 am and say he has things
to do before he goes, but he actually stayed home until about 1 and we spent
the morning together. Then he called me 3 times that night, the last time
being to come pick him up. I did it because I told him to call me if he
needed a ride. He hangs out with this kid who is just a waste and is always
drinking and partying. I can't stand him but I let it go cuz as long as I
know my man is ok and coming home with me. We spent ALL of Sunday together,
and even cuddled that night. I'm trying to be very open with my feelings
and he's really bad at letting me know how he feels unless he's angry. But
I think he's trying to get our relationship back on track. Is that what it
seems like to you?? I just can't seem to get this pit out of my stomach, I
want to get our shit together because I am so in love with him really, and
we both just got so caught up in the stress that we drifted apart. I don't
think he would stick around if he really didn't want to try to make this
work. Am I wrong for feeling like he doesn't want to work it out with me
when he started talking to that other girl?? I want him to feel like he can
come and talk to me if he's feeling down and I don't want to be the reason
he doesn't want to come home. I want to spend the rest of my life with this
man. Everyone's telling me he needs to grow up quicker and take on
responsibility or I just need to leave and let him realize what he'll be
losing. I just really need to get over this jealousy and mistrust that I've
created in my head. It's driving me crazy. I don't really know what I'm
asking you to answer just seeking advice I guess on how to get the spark
back in our relationship, so he doesn't feel like he has to seek out other
girls.

I know this letter is all over the place, but that's how I feel right now my
emotions are out of control.
Thank you

Confused in Love.



Dear Confused in Love,

Do you feel, a bit like a yo-yo? I would and can completely understand how your emotions could run the gambit. I was 16, when I got pregnant with my first son, my husband was 22. We both thought we were so grown up and I most certainly thought he was. He did the same thing and went through Birthing classes with me, was there for his birth, cried and it was a wonderful moment in time. But it wasn't long after that, he went his merry way with his friends and so on and I stayed home, with our son. He was the one that wanted to get married, he is the one, who all along wanted to stay married. But he didn't want to work at it and he didn't realize his full responsibilty to his children.


I had two more sons and our relationship as man and wife, lasted nine years. I was sick of the partying and if I was going to be alone, I figured I might as well be completely alone. He was also very bossy and I had gone through this rite of passage, so I thought, from a girl to a woman and was not going to have some guy, who was barely there, tell me what to do.


I have regrets and of course, being able to look back, in retrospect. I wish I had handled it differently.I guess what I am saying is that, I want you to be able to work this out. Kicking him to the curb, is not the answer, although, I'm sure there are times, when you'd love to. So, what can we do? My youngest son, Waylon, just turned 26. We call him, "Johnny Appleseed," because he has fathered children with three women, already. His first child, Kassandra, will be 9 in August and he's not seen her since she was a toddler. It is partly his fault, that things are as they are but the child's mother, is a strong willed young woman and she grew tired of his shenanigans. Now, I'm sure, you didn't write me to get my life history. I tell you this because I can see a correlation and that, quite possibly, men are not as quick to realize their responsibilities as women. I say this because I can look back and see that quite often, a guy like my son and your fiance', grapple with settling down and fulfilling their obligations.

Believe it or not, a guy who is 22, doesn't really know what he wants out of life. He knows on one hand, that you are the best thing that ever walked into his life. I firmly believe he loves you, with all his heart. I also believe he knows what's good for him; You! I bet, if I asked him, who he loves, he would say you and the babies. But there is that side, that still fighting with the young and irresponsible side of himself. In one way, he wants it all, meaning you and the kids. On the other hand, it does have a trapping mechanism.

If you were to delve, deep into his mind, you'd probably find a bit of resentment and discontentment. He may never admit it but it's there. I would call him a liar, if he told me differently. But I must point out, that it is perfectly natural and many men, feel this throughout their lives. Women do too, at times. they'll stand in front of the mirror and wonder what happened to the girl they knew and the body that was once supple before childbirth. They'll even wonder what their lives might have been, had they not become pregnant, especially at an early age. That too, is natural. But we don't walk away from doing the right thing.

Men are more apt to have this crunch time, that period of questioning and our society has made it seem ok for a man to walk away from his family. Oh yea, we have our "Deadbeat Dad's" list but we do not scorn those that should be scorned, we accept it, don't we? Divorce rates continue to accumulate and we just swallow it. Sooooooooo Babz, what does all this mean to me?

Homework

I would love it, if you would read every post I've written, that has the tag, "Bitch Belt." See, I want you to have your man and happiness. I also welcome you to experience the rite of passage, from young girl to womanhood, becoming a good woman. I want you to become assertive and state your needs. I don't want you to fear, saying anything and you'd better grab that bull by the horns now or you never will. A good woman, who wears my Bitch Belt, is an assertive woman, who says what needs to be said, does what needs to be done and is fair, doing it. It is your approach, to your man, that makes all the difference. You must always respect him, if he respects you. If he doesn't you will make him. I don't want to use the word "training" and many men would be resentful, if they felt that their wife or girlfriend was trying to train them. So, we'll call it "schooling your man."

I'm sure that you've heard, "Behind every great man, is a great woman." Well, it's true and men are not born knowing it all, contrary to popular belief. No, we must school them in many departments, many aspects. They are not mind readers and often do not think as we do, nor as deeply as we do. This is why, you must state your needs. From, your love making to placing your dish in the dishwasher, men must be shown the way. But I'll say it again; it's all in the approach. If you show him respect, when you try to tell him something and do not come across as a nag, he may not put up the great wall of defense and just might hear, what you've said.

Often times, giving them, perspective on a situation, is the only answer. Most men, learn from a hands on approach If he's learning how to fix a car, he has to see it in action. They don't do well with manuals, per say or directions but what you show them, in action, will stick in their brain. Once again Babz, what in the hell are you talking about?

After you read this, you will already be a different woman. You will put on that designer Bitch Belt and become the woman, you were designed to be. You must also, face your fears. You have been sitting on your hands, biting your tongue and now, you have building resentment. I guarantee, he will continue to behave just as he has, unless you stop and face your fears.

There are several things, I noted, concerning your fears. For one, you have attempted to tell him things and how you feel but he starts a fight when you do. That is a real prize fighting tactic, hook n jive, side stepping the issue. he knows that you hate to fight. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, he comes back with a fighting stance. That's all it is and you will now see through it. You will also, not be afraid of it or afraid that you will run him off, if you do this right.

Clinical Perspective

Get up and look in the mirror. What do you see? You see an attractive young woman, do you not? Then, ask yourself; What does he see? He must respect you. You are many things to this man. You are the mother of his children, a noble cause. Rarely, do our men, see this on a daily basis. What they see, more often than not, is their wife/lover.

So, what will you do to be the best at that? You want him to continue to shop at your store, right? It takes work to make a relationship work, you must continually make him think, blow his mind, ok? It's not supposed to be, all about sex but men are hardwired, differently than women. During sex, don't let him wam bam thank ya ma'am ya. Do not fear his reaction, if you step out of yourself. Don't be the mother of twins, when you're in his bed, be a woman and demand his attention, take control, make him remember. You can do this, I know you can.

You must not nag. If you have something, that's bothering you, pick and choose your fight carefully. When and where you fight, is important. If you want to win, you must find the right time to bring things up. You tell him, you need to talk to him about some things that are bothering you. I am not telling you to tippy toe around him, dammit if somethings on your mind, you need to talk about it. And he needs to listen. You'll have to set the stage. Never ever fight in the bedroom. It must be a place of sanctuary, never filled with bad memories. Yes, it's only a room but if you can help it, never go there to discuss something that may be heated.

Put on your Bitch Belt...Ask him to sit down, when it's private and the kids are occupied. You tell him, there's a few things, even if they might seem petty, they are still bothersome. You tell him, you'd appreciate it, if he would talk with you and you do not want to argue. You say, that you are not accusing but simply letting him know how and where you stand. You then tell him, that when you bring up anything, he goes off about it and "that won't work." Now, you need to say it, just that way. You are not saying that it's not acceptable but you are stating fact. You are also taking control of the conversation and he will have to look at his behavior during discussion. You then tell him, that you want to have an adult conversation. You say this because, if he goes off, he is now aware that he is not the one having an adult conversation, right? If he gets cagey, at all during your conversation, you simply say, "I wanted to keep this on an adult level." See, you're not calling him childish but you are saying or making him painfully aware that he might not be behaving as an adult, right?

Grabbing the Bull

He must understand, his part, in what makes or breaks this relationship. But guys are different, as I said before, so you have to take a different approach.
First, you tell him, you respect him and that you can only envision being with him, for the rest of your life, that you love him and you want to trust him. Trust is paramount in any relationship. If you don't have it, you have nothing. trust is more than wondering if he's fooling around. It's trusting him with your heart and mind, emotions and your children. You tell him this and that you want to continue to respect him.
Then, you explain this simple premise; Women are given a 6th sense, an intuition. It is real enough, that it is even mentioned in the Bible, several times.
It is then, that you tell him, you do not want a response to what you are about to say. He does not need to retort or defend himself. You are making a statement, an important synopsis, as to how you feel, matter of fact;

I am not accusing you. But I am stating what and how I feel. I want you, from this day forward, to treat me, exactly as you want treated. If you do not want me to behave secretly and IM other men, you will not do it. If you do not want me running around, behaving with a single persons attitude and heart, you will not treat me, this way. The only thing that's separates us, from a legal marriage is a piece of paper. My heart is married to you. If you want me to continue to behave, as your wife, you must behave as my husband. If you want my continued respect, you must respect me and my feelings. You will not blow me or my feelings off, unless of course, you'd like me to treat you in the same respect.
If you are not happy, now or ever, you need to say so. Do not try to spare my feelings but be honest. I am not playing a game with your emotions and will not have mine played. You always have an out but you must be honest. If I no longer trip your trigger, you need only to tell me but do not fool around on me. You may not like the outcome. Now, I am a reasonable woman and I am not trying to pin you to marriage. But when a man comes home, sleeps in your bed and tells you he loves you and only you, you believe him and it is the same as a marriage. I don't need that paper right now to validate yours or my feelings but I need us to understand each other and our future. You're either in or your out and you must make up your mind. You can't have your cake and eat it too and run around one minute like your in a relationship and then the next minute, you're out and acting like you're not. Once again, I am not accusing you, I am stating how I feel. You must treat me with respect, if you want me to continue to respect you. It's that simple.

Face your fears or forever allow your life to be ruled by distrust. You could write it all down and give him the letter but make a stand. If you don't grab that bull by the horns now, you'll forever have a rough ride.

What's Good for the Goose...

This was sent to Aunt B via email... Dear Aunt B, have a problem i m in love wid a guy crazily... he loves me too but recently he keeps on chattin wid other gals,which i dnt like.i am 2 scared to ask him about it but i love him...n he does too wat shud i do? it eatin me... Dear Anonymous, People are not mind readers are they? You must state your needs, your likes and dislikes but you have to find the right time, place and moment.

Guys tend to become defensive if confronted, I am aware of this. But they sure do love flattery, don't they? This is most likely why he is possibly flirtatious, with these other girls.

So, you've got to be his everything and step up your formula for success. You find a private moment, when you can feel he is in a good mood and loving. Then, you tell him that you care so much about him, enough that it makes you crazy when he talks to other girls. Now, you can't say it like you are serious and it makes you look insane like some stalker. You have to approach it in a humorous, amusing way.

You might try telling him that you think he is good looking and you know why these girls talk to him, notice what I just said; "Why these girls talk to him." See, now you are not being or acting in an accusatory manner but making it look like you understand because he is a nice looking guy and the girls are talking to him, not him talking to the girls. Follow me?

Believe it or not, guys often like it when their girlfriend is a bit jealous but not in a nasty, crazy, I'll kill you if you talk to another girl, way. You then tell him that it does make you a bit jealous (with a smile on your face) when he talks to all these girls and you want him all for yourself. I am not going to leave you with that though. I want you to realize that there will always be circumstances, whether it is at school, work or any other place, that your guy will have interchanges with other girls.

We may all get jealous when our guy talks to them but if has done nothing wrong, you have to keep your butt in check and not act crazy. You can not be possessive, especially if he has given you no good reason to be or feel that way. What I mean is that if he has always been attentive to you and is not being out and out flirtatious, you need to keep it to yourself.

He may also feel the same way, if you talk to other guys. he may see you in a conversation with another guy and watch your body language. If you are acting all sexy and flirtatious, it might just burn his butt. I say this because you always have to put yourself in the other persons place. You have to try to see things as they might.

In turn, watch him first, when you see him talking to these other girls. Does he act ashamed when you walk up on him after he has talked to them? If he does, he may be up to no good. If he is talking to these girls or he touches them, then he getting too friendly. If after you have done, what I said in the second paragraph and he doesn't get the point, there a couple of things you can do;

1. Have him read this. You just say to him, I want you to read something and maybe this will speak what you can not say.


2.If he continues, then I have always believed, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. You must not be so reclusive or reserved, huh? I mean, I'd bet that he feels safe that you are completely loyal?Now,you talk to a guy or two, when you know there's the chance that he may see you.

When he wonders what your conversation and intention is, it will make him feel how you feel. He's not a mind reader either, so he's going to wondering if you are trying to get with this guy or just having a conversation. He will feel what you are feeling. If and when he calls you on it, you go in for the pointer; Ah ha, now you know how I feel. I love you and I do not want to invest my heart into a guy that is trying to pick up another girl. My suggestion is to tell him that you care so much and to have him read this. It will get your point said for you.

Wild Horses

Thursday, February 01, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email


Hi Aunt B,

I've been having this issue with a co-worker. I've worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn't very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I'm not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occasions taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him "I was going to hump him someday" Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I'm pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I've seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn't like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those "I want you" eyes. He calls me "My Love" and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I'm pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I'd settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn't act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.

Lonely and Confused in

South Dakota


Aunt B said...

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, "take my breath away" feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he's a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this "fool around" mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She's obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There's always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she's a bitch because she's got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they're not married, he's not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I'll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with.... Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we're the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he's in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you'll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don't fall prey to his games. Don't allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he's really interested, he'll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he'll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn't break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing...never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you've seen him in action, don't ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don't leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B