Hand Him the Key

Dear Aunt B,

I am writing to get advice about my boyfriend and I who are living together. We are very close and get along well, however there is one issue that seems to continue to come up and that we cannot seem to agree on or agree to disagree on, I am afraid that this issue may tear us apart unless one of us gives in but we both feel like we are right.

There are three girls that he considers his best friends and talks to on a regular basis about everything including our relationship. One is his ex wife that he has two children with, one is a girl that he used to date and has been intimate with and one has always been a platonic friend and lives with her boyfriend. He has hung out with his ex-wife on a fairly regular basis since we have been dating, he talks to her on a very personal level and discusses our relationship with her. I even found pics of her in his phone the other day. She is single and they were trying to work things out several months before we started dating. He talks to his ex girlfriend not as often but she has sent him text messages in the middle of the night and I found messages from him telling her he misses her and they should get together for dinner. I have never really had a problem with the platonic friend until I woke up at 1am to find him outside talking on the phone with her. Once again he shares details about our relationship with these girls. I have told him on several occasions that these relationships make me very uncomfortable and that I feel it is disrespectful that he would talk to them on such an intimate level and that it shows a lack of commitment. He has expressed that I am being insecure and controlling and that he has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him. He says that it is unfair for me to ask him to give up his best friends. I want very much to spend the rest of my life with this man but I do not want to spend the rest of my life sharing my time with other woman. I have never been in this situation and I do not know what to do. Am I really being insecure and controlling? Can men really just be friends with women even if they have been intimate in the past? Or am I making the right decision when I tell him that this behavior is unacceptable to me and that he has to make a choice? Please help.

Dear Reader,

No Ma'am, I don't like it not one damn bit. You betcha I side with you. Now, I'm not about instigating or getting your hairs up either but I do believe you need to deal with this now or never. Put up or shut up, ya know?

As far as I'm concerned, it's plain out and out disrespectful of him to not abide by a very reasonable concern. It's real simple, if it making you uncomfortable, he doesn not need to assert himself in this rebellious fashion. That is exactly what he is doing and flipping the script by making you seemingly insecure because of your request. Not one but three women and one of which is his ex wife who you know he has not long before tried to re-kindle those embers of love? No siree Bob, it's a bit much to ask.

I understand he must maintain ties with his ex wife, that's a given but beyond that, well needless to say, could he be on good terms with your ex and would he not be at all jealous of your little intimate moments, if you behaved the same way? I don't even think jealous is the proper word for this. It's just not a good situation for him to place you in and it has nothing to do with trust or insecurity for you to be uncomfortable in the position he places you in.

Hand Him the Key

Now, it may very well be that you have every reason to trust him, we'll give him that. He may very well have behaved, had honorable intentions and so forth. But the situation is that this all makes you uncomfortable, especially because he does speak about the both of you in intimate fashion and detail with these women. Text messages of "Missing You and Let's Do Dinner" and so on are rather inappropriate as well and you can tell him I said so. He's pushed things a little too far and basically abused your good nature in the name of saying you're just insecure.

Since I know you're not the vindictive kind, as well, I just know you are loyal beyond loyal to your man, you can't very well, in real time, place him in your shoes. I would most certainly have him try to understand just how he would feel if the tables were turned. If you hung out with your ex's, talked on the phone with other guys, had their picture on your phone, had evidence of text messages, how would he feel? The clincher here is; Could he swallow you talking to your ex husband and I mean beyond just amicability sharing such intimate details i.e maybe his sexual performance in bed? Uh oh, I think the shat would hit the fan and he'd be calling you all kinds of unscrupulous names. Now wouldn't he?

He needs to check himself. Yes, he needs to look in the mirror and be for real. The majority of women, I know would side with you on this issue. But the key to this whole thing is the way he does not see just how disrespectful he is being with his continued behavior long after you've let him know you have issue with it. This is a deal breaker and I don't think he realizes it. I sure hope it's not a sign of things to come. See G-Friend, if he knowingly continues this, assured that it makes you extremely uncomfortable, well it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that he does not know how to respect you, your wishes and he sure doesn't know how to put the shoe on the other foot. Or does he? Is he able to see how upsetting this would be, if you were doing the same thing?

I double dog dare you to print this out and strategically place it where he'll find it. Then remind him that the issue is not so much about trust but R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Get brave and give him this post. I don't know you or him. What could it hurt?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Friend,

I agree with you. You're not being controlling and it's insecurity but simplistic common sense. If he's trying to sneak around then it's obvious that he doesn't respect you or your wishes. There's the problem right there. I don't feel you're being unreasonable for asking him to cut or limit his ties with ex's, women in general because how would he feel if you were talking it up with your ex boyfriend? What would he say if you did the same thing, getting calls at 1am, basically what appears to be sneaking outside to have a conversation with the opposite sex.

I wouldn't mind him talking to his ex, as it's necessary, they have kids together but he doesn't need to share details, private matters, etc. Just a few short months before you two began dating, it's a fact that he tried to get back with his ex wife, right? Well, you're not a mind reader, he should know this. How do you know that he's really called it quits forever or if one minute to the next he catches the glimpse of her eye, they share an intimate moment and the fire's begin to burn again? And And And if you play with fire, somebody is going to get burned.

Guys will guys and they always talk smack and about relationships and intimacy but it's taking it too far sharing your private relations with his ex's and even the platonic relationship. It's just not right and that's all I have to say about that. It's just not right!

On Your Side,

Halena

Dear Friend,

Wow, I completely disagree with Babs and Halena.. not often that comes up!

I have said it once, and would repeat a thousand times, if you cannot trust a partner what the hell are you doing in a relationship.

he is right, he hasn't given you any reason to doubt him. And those are his friends. And he has made that clear.

If he were a woman who had three male friends this would be answered differently I bet. And why? it is the same situation on both accounts. It is a double standard in my eye.

Fact is, you are being insecure. BUT, you do have a right to discuss that insecurity and to have your partner acknowledge it and try to ease your worry.

You are within your rights to explain that yes, you are insecure. But how would he feel if the roles were reversed? If you were receiving 1am phone calls from a male friend and i miss you calls from an ex. He does need to see the perspective, no matter how innocent the conduct. And new relationships should be about learning about each other and what each other needs.

I will guarantee that if you make him make a choice, you will be parked outside on the curb. That is inclusive of what he talks to his friends about. You wouldn't want him telling you that you couldn't talk to friends about your life now would you?

Frankly, the inappropriate part is just as much you listening in, watching his phone and being sneeky as it is his not listening to your needs. But still, he is likely to look at it as you being jealous and him being nothing but honorable. So watch your step when talking with him.

Bottom line, he is not going to change his friends. So you need to figure out what you can deal with or not deal with. Because in the end, you need to be able to live with what ever decision you make.

~Xmichra~

Tame the Blame & Shame Game

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband has been divorced for six years. We will be married 3

years this month, second marriage for both of us. I have never met

his ex-wife as we life in different states. In three weeks we will

be attending a wedding and my husband's ex-wife will be there. Last

week my husband mentioned that he does not want me to wear my diamond

ring or the expensive watch that he gave me as a gift. He said that

it might hurt her feelings if she saw them. I agreed to his request

as I have the "disease to please" and didn't want to disappoint him.

After thinking about it his possible motives for asking this of me

are more disturbing than the thought of not wearing the watch and

ring. I have been having an inter-dialogue with myself constantly

about his request. I guess you could call it obsessing. I go back

and forth to being outraged that he would bring this up, to "do I

want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" I haven't made an issue

about this and I'm wondering if I should after agreeing to it in the

first place.

Two years ago he had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-wife and her

parents. Weeks before the dinner she asked my husband to pretend that

they were still married. She said that since her parents are elderly

she didn't think they would cope well with her divorce. She kept

this charade up until a few months ago when she finally told them.

They were ok with it and totally supportive. This makes me believe

that she used her parents as the excuse for not telling them about

her divorce because she couldn't handle it. It was all about her,

not them. And my husband willingly went along with it.

My husband assures me that he does not have feelings for her, and

that he loves me, but he still caters to her stupid requests and is

proactive in protecting her feelings. I think he feels guilty about

asking her for a divorce, and his motivation is driven by guilt. He

has made his problem my problem.

Should I be concerned about my husband's need to protect his ex-

wife's feelings? What is wrong with me? Why do I go along with the

manipulation and charades?

Your valued opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Friend,

Well, right from Jump St., I'll tell you, it wouldn't sit well with me either. None of it.

While flaunting expensive jewelry is distasteful, in the first place, I guess it's the principal behind it. Being kind and considerate, amicable and caring, towards his ex, is one thing, hiding the celebration of your love, is another story. Is it possible that he has over looked that the gift, you received from him, was just that;
A celebration, a sign of his deep love, devotion and affection for you?

There are always two sides to every coin. There are three sides to every story too; Yours, His and the Facts The facts in this case, show that he has, for whatever reason, not moved on, in the sense that he stands against the world, that you two are married, happy and his past is just that; His Past.

I think it's time to take that old Duct Tape, off his old marriage. Yes, that good ol' 90 mph tape has held him in place, even if he didn't realize it. I don't get the feeling that he does this with animosity. No, in fact, I think your hubby, is a pretty nice guy. I also feel his ex wife, takes advantage of his good nature and plays him. Then, if you say anything about it, you'd feel guilty, possessive, needy, jealous and I could go on but I think you get the point, right?

My suggestion, first and foremost, is that you have him read this...

How would he feel if your ex husband, required the same from you? How would he feel, if you asked him to let you go, to dinner, on a major holiday, with your ex husband? How would he feel, if you spent Thanksgiving, playing the loving married couple, with your ex? How would he feel, if you asked him to pretend, that a trinket, a sign of your love, should not be worn, in front of your ex, cause dammit, what would he think? What? He might get the impression, that you love him more than you loved your ex?

I'm sorry but I think he's asked a little too much and been a little too accommodating, in respect to his ex wife. In all due reality, what she thinks should not matter and in all due respect, I'd want her to know that you are both happy, loved and care enough to give of that love.

Yes, it comes down to the principle of the matter. The heart of the matter is the affairs of the heart and he has got to look in the mirror and ask himself, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel? He has not been fair to you and it is not fair of him, to ask you to not show that expression of love, for the sake of his ex wife. I have one question; Really, why do you care what she thinks? Take that duct tape off and step into your marriage, your current marriage. Stand up to her, hubby and be the husband, you were meant to be, with your wife. I doubt your vows, spoken, hopefully in truth and love, said to always love, honor and obey, your ex wife, now did they?

Have your husband read this. I know as a man, he may not care for you bringing your business elsewhere? But I do not know you, nor will I ever know you. No harm, no foul. This actually pisses me off, I can't pretend it doesn't and I only have one question for your husband;

How long will you allow yourself, to be held hostage, duct taped to your ex wife, before you wake up and realize that she knows what she's doing and does it for a reason. It's time to play the, "Tame the Blame and Shame Game." Let her go, let yourself, truly commit to your wife and be a true husband, heart and soul. Never expect from your wife, what you would not be willing to do yourself. It's time to let go of the guilt, your ex so fondly throws in your lap.

I'd want to wear the ring and watch proudly. Is he ashamed of your love? It's high time, to play to win. Now, just for shitz -n-giggles, wear matching t-shirts.
(Just kidding)

Love & Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi there,

I don't know where to begin, anyway I am divorced. I left my ex-husband for another man, not because I was in love with this man, but coz he could provide for my kids. I have 4 kids, My ex-husband was a good father in his own way, he never beat us, but we had a lot of money problems. I am 40 years old, divorced now for 4 years, and I always dream of getting my husband back, I do still love him. We went our separate ways without really talking about things, now its like a lot of unsaid things still hanging in the air, but when I try to talk to him, he never answers me and walks away. How do I fix things or get over it???
--
La Rochelle Recruitment

Regards

Linda
Mary
Stephanie

Our website:
www.lrra.co.za

Dear Friend,

It's all about choices, is it not? I mean, love and happiness or a monetary life. While I can understand your need for a good provider, I chose the opposite; Love and Happiness. I didn't find it, in that relationship. In fact, I'd been asked my hand in marriage by several men, in my lifetime, that owned 2 homes, cars, businesses and so on. One fella owned a huge construction business and several tobacco plantations. I couldn't see myself, not loving that man and being with him. I chose the love or what I thought was love. My first husband was a good man but had problems, I didn't understand, with depression and addiction. I left him and went from the frying pan, into the fire, all in the name of so called love. I've always regretted that and now it's beyond too late. My husband died in 1989, while we were separated.

My advice would be to let love rule your heart. From your letter, I gather that you have your own job. I don't know about your ex-husband but you must ask yourself, what will make you the happiest; Love or Money?

I always regretted leaving my husband. He was my very best friend but it went too far, got out of hand and then...it was too late. Life is all about choices. We have them, in every instance but we often can't see it or we choose not to. I hope you will opt for happiness. You only get one go around and while it's wonderful to cry, if you must, sitting in your Lexus with an Anne Klein suit, Gucchi bag and Jimmy Choo shoes, nothing beats loving arms.

I don't get the impression that you are rich, just more secure. So, is it just the security that holds you in place? While we often think the grass is greener on the other side, what we fail to realize, is that quite often it's only greener because it's over a Septic Tank. The key to life is; Love, Laughter and Family. If you don't have that sense of love and laughter with this new fella, take a look at that. If you've entertained notions of your ex-husband, simply because you have a past with him, I suggest committing to your husband, your current husband and making the choice to put your ex, in the past. It is a choice, either way and in all fairness, you must make one or the other. If you've really thought this through and you realize that you are not happy with your current husband because he does not have the same qualities, that your ex did, you need to look at that as well.

My suggestion is; to write your ex-husband, after you've made some semblance of a decision, just where your happiness lyes. Making amends, if nothing else, will plant a seed. He may have deep seated pain, concerning the decision, you made, to leave him. If nothing else, it may give you the first step, to becoming amicable. I think it is paramount anyway, for your children, for you both to be mature and work on your relationship, first and foremost. Once you've done this, it may pave the way, for the next step, in making a permanent decision, concerning who you should be with.

So, write your ex and express the fact that you want, only a good relationship with him. Tell him that you do not want to continue, with things, the way they are. Express the fact that your are truly sorry, that things are the way they are and he was the last person, you wanted to hurt. He may see you as selfish, for what you have done. You took his wife, children, his very family from under him. You must have this in mind, as you write him. Nothing but good will come from your attempt at making amends. I can not promise, it will heal your ex but you owe it to yourself, to make that attempt.

While I realize, you feel you did what you had to do, for the sake of your children, please look at it all and deduce, if was the right decision.

Xmichra said...

I feel compelled to add that if you are not happy and do not love your current partner, that you owe it to him to be upfront about this. Maybe not is such dramatic terms.. but how would you feel if you knew that your spouse was only with you for your money? Doesn't feel so great, not to be loved and to feel used.

Regardless of what you decide to do with the ex, you need to first be happy with you and your life. And sitting where you are, with the letter you wrote to Aunt B.. I think it's safe to say that you are not happy emotionally. And I think it would be in your best interest to sort that out first.

Don't Be Bullied

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hello Aunt B,

I am a 43 year old divorced dad with 2 children who I love dearly. Here is my problem. 3 years ago after finding out about an affair my wife was having, her and I split up and she moved in with her parents and she has lived there ever since. She has a large extended family, sisters, cousins and the house is always full with people. During our divorce we settled on shared physical custody. Unfortunately I do not see my children as much as I would like. Without sounding bitter, my children who are 9 and 5 have chosen to stay over at my ex's parents home quite a bit more often than what we drew up on paper. Basically they have more people to love and spoil them there than I have here. I know they love me but, I guess if I was a child I would stay where the grass seemed greener, but it hurts just the same. My ex receives a good chunk from me plus her own salary, but has yet to move out on her own. Tonight, just as many nights, I went to pick my children up only to learn that their mother was not there and the grandmother was watching them and the kids wanted to stay there. The bitterness over the affair has subsided, but not seeing my children is really getting to me. I don't really know if I am looking for advice or just someone to tell. If you have any wise words for me I would be glad to hear them...thank you...John

Dear Friend,

I would imagine, you have many, many emotions right now. You may feel dejected, ejected and rejected. I wouldn't blame you. Time does heal all wounds. Try not to blame or have resentment for the children. I believe you are trying to work through all this, logically but it still burns.

Your children are behaving quite typically, so do not be alarmed. Try not to take it personally, kids are like this and believe it or not can surely tend to be selfish. But they don't realize the ramifications, of their tendency to push you out.

I do encourage you to exercise your rights. If you were awarded visitation, you can be held in contempt, in many states for not exercising or adhering to the court order. That goes along with the fact that it may not be reinforced on their end, either. I guess the problem comes down to feeling like the bad guy, if you feel the need to force them?

This is a disparaging situation and if I were you, I would speak to your ex and inform her that she needs to make them aware, that you will become diligent when it comes to visitation. You let her know, that you want visitation and to have them ready. It is almost a self-esteem issue, for you to walk away and not refute the kids want to stay where they are. The court says that you Must exercise your right, not when Mom or the kids feel like visitation. The law is in place to protect you as well as your ex spouse and children. It is not a one-way law to be taken lightly or interpreted as the Mother or children deem suitable. So do it and state this is your intention. Once you get the kids out and away from their surroundings, they just might have a good time. Do not deny yourself, they are your children too. I am going to say this;

Quite often, the Father wants nothing to do with the kids. Statistics show, that they move on, more so than women, of course. Don't allow them to run over you. Stand by your rights and make them aware, even if you have to use the law on your side, that by not adhering to the court order, everyone who does not abide, can be held in contempt. Make them think, it's not gonna be you. In turn, you just might have a wonderful and fulfilling time and build upon the relationships with your children.

No matter what happened, with you and your ex, those children are still yours. Don't be bullied and stand your ground. You have the law on your side.