Change the Subject

Hi Aunt B,
I've just come back from a long holiday in California and while i was there i met a really nice guy, he's my cousins friend. During my stay i lived with my cousin who lives with this guy so i got to know him really well. He is a real gentleman and we had so much in common and he always found a way to make me laugh even if i was upset. The only problem now is that i won't see him again for a very long time and i don't know how to get over him. When i wake up the first thing i think about is him and i start calculating the time difference wondering what he might be doing on the other side of the world. All i can talk about is him as well, when i got back everyone was asking how the holiday was and all my stories some how revolved around him. I start thinking about him all the time because everything seems to remind me of him like when i hear some of the songs that i heard while i was in the car with him. I can't seem to get him out of my head but i really need to because i can't have these lingering thoughts in my head, now that i'm back i need to get back on track with my life here in England and i can't just go off into thoughts about him. When i think about him it makes me really upset and depressed because i know its very likely that i won't see him again. Please give me some advice on how i can stop thinking about him so much and move on because i know there's no point thinking what could have been because its just not going to happen.
Thanks Lyn.


Dear Lyn,

Gosh Lyn, that's kinda sad, huh? I mean I really feel for you, feel your heartache. But I imagine you've weighed every possible aspect of any continuity of this relationship? Yes, that's quite the leap across the pond from England to California. That's a damn shame though because it sounds to me like the kind of guy you really need; One who makes you laugh in the darnedest of moments.

I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. You met this fella for a reason. In turn, that answer will one day reveal itself to you. Could that reason be that it made you look at relationships in a different way? What I am referring to is the possibility that this guy was not what we could/would deem your "normal kind of choice." What I am trying to say is that somehow I feel that this type of guy is not within the scope of guys you would have dated in the past?

There absolutely is no real answer to this except to say that all you can do is begin to date guys, looking for Mr.Right, that same kind of guy that has a good sense of humor and similar qualities to this fella in California. Is he at the bowling alley/gaming facility?

Time heals all wounds but you must do what you can to remain busy, keeping your mind occupied. Of course you want to think about him and your time with him, your psyche just delights in it. But try not to entertain these thoughts. Do yourself a favor and every time he pops into your mind, try to think of something else instead of entertaining thoughts about him. I know it's a tall order but do your best to occupy your mind. Find a new hobby, begin dating again and it's just a matter of time till this man walks into your life. You will laugh again...

I wish I could offer up a better solution. The only thing you can do is try to change the subject, if only in your mind.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

A Fatal Attraction???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Can you please help me get over my ex boyfriend the father of my three year old son, we’ve been seeing each other for nearly 5 years and every time we brake up then make up, and tired of talking to him about the something over and over again, and when I talk about my feelings he keeps telling me I feel sorry for myself I really love him but I'm not shore he feels the same about me he said he loves me but I don’t feel it. I don’t know what should I do, do what I always do ask him back, but the I feel stupid if I do that, cause I know its going happen again and again, but its like when we brake up we cant stay away from each other we keep in come back to each other. But I think I'm getting really tired of this. And in the past his ex girlfriend was always in the picture I couldn’t get her out of my head when he leaves then I think his going to her, or I blame him for everything is it because I cheated on him twice and he took me back both times is it that, that’s making me feel insecure. Please help me cause already tried to commit suicide over him. And the first time I father saw him he told me to stay away from him and my father never knew how he was that was the day I met him.

Please help me.

Dear Friend,

Don't I know this kind of love. It really sucks. At times, you wish you'd never met them, other times, they take your breath away.

I don't know all the components, that are the mechanism of this relationship. I don't know what keeps it going and then breaks it up again. It may very well be, exactly what mine was; A Fatal Attraction.

I can't guess, what you are going through but if you have felt so much passion about him to the point of Suicide, I hope you recognize the fact that he's making you crazy. Been there myself. One side of me wanted nothing to do with him. The other side, didn't want and couldn't stand the thought of him being with anyone else. Thus, I stayed in a miserable relationship. I became sicker and sicker with each passing day. I was doing it all to myself, just as you are.

First, I'll suggest counseling. Therapy sessions can be very productive. The therapist often plays devils advocate and let's you know, if your feelings are really conducive to your well being. They may also walk you through solutions. Before this eats you alive, I'd see about speaking with someone. They've made it real easy, to get help. Look in your Yellow Pages for Mental Health locations, near you.

If you can't see your way, to doing this, counseling, I suggest that you busy yourself to a point of not being able to think. I mean, doing things to keep him off your mind. The more time, you are able to go without, the more healing you will have. Time heals all wounds but you've got to pull out an arsenal to sabotage yourself. Engage yourself, more with your son, do things and surround yourself with his presence. What I mean, is that, if you are in turmoil, children can feel it. If you are always unhappy, children can feel it. So, take this time, to spend it with your son and concentrate on only him and possibly a hobby or interest. Look for joy and humor. Your homework is to search for your laughter again.

It is not my intention to lay a guilt trip on you but because of all this, have you really given your son, your all? Concentrate on him, right now. If you do this and place him above all else, you'll be too busy, hopefully, to think of your longing for his Father.

I could also suggest, that you both go to counseling. Somehow, I don't see him doing it but it doesn't hurt to say so or even for you to mention it.

You must realize that you won your choices. You must own your decisions too. It's not easy to get over somebody and a bad relationship, especially if you believe you love them. But it's time for a change and it's time for you to be selfish and think about you and your son. You have a right to be happy, didn't you know this?

Try to stay away from him, for a while. If you must interact, try to be quite and concise, to the point and own the situation. Do not look into his eyes and do not allow yourself, to entertain, this notion of what could be. I say all this, only if you've made up your mind, you want to get over him.

So, keep busy, own your choices, seek counseling and above all...be good to yourself. If you are good to yourself, in turn, you'll be a better Mommy to that mischievous little man; your three year old son.

I am here, if you need me. I'm just an email away.