Take Responsibility

Dear Aunt B,

ok well im in a relations ship right now ive been datin him for about a year and half but been together together for 2months this happened bout a month a go but anywho when we first started talking i didnt take it as serious as i do now bc at first he wasnt really acting like he wanted to be serious and now u can just tell and i made a huge mistake and slept with an x and the condom broke and now idk what to do bc im late and im just prayin i get ma period but how do i tell ma bf in fact i am that it may not be his ?? or should i tell him at all the other guy and i talked and he said he would pay for an abortion but i just dont believe in that but i dont wanna loose ma bf i love him so much and made a terrible mistake HELP!!!


Dear Reader,

Okay, so let me see if I got this right: You are with guy #1. You and he weren’t “serious” up until a few months ago. And in that time you had sex with guy #2, the condom broke and you might be pregnant, and now you don’t know what to do.


First off, do you know for sure you’re pregnant? Did you take a test? See a doctor? You need to find out, and right away. Now, I am not an advocate for abortion in this situation at all, but if you want options you have to know rather quickly what you are doing. Personally, you said you don’t believe in abortion, so I would tell you o take that right off the list of options. If you had an abortion under duress, you will regret it and you will be mentally fucked. Guaranteed. You need to be responsible, stop worrying about the guys and what will/might happen and do what you need to do for your body, and your baby (if you are pregnant). So, step one, get tested!

Deciding to tell your guy #1 about your cheating is up to you. But if you are pregnant, and it *might not* be his baby, he has every right to know.

Not to mention, Just imagine you keep this from him, you two get married, your baby grows into a child say 5 or 6 and falls off the monkey bars at the playground, breaks their leg pretty badly and losses blood. Your guy wants to give *his* child blood and wait, what?, the blood doesn’t match??


YA. You see how that works? And don’t for one second think something won’t happen to divulge your secret. It will. And you will walk on egg shells every day of your life trying to avoid it, and will be wrapped in a web of lies. This is no way to live, no way to raise a child, no way to LOVE. If you are pregnant, step two: come clean.


After that, who knows what will happen. But you need to take responsibility (step 3) for what has happened, and you need to stop thinking of just yourself, it isn’t just about you anymore.


So, to recap: step 1, get tested. Step 2, fess up. Step 3, take responsibility. That is my advice. I wish you the courage and strength to do this, and to learn from your mistakes.

~Xmichra.

License to Breed

Dear Aunt B,

Hi Iʼm 18 and have just graduated high school and am proud to say that I went threw high school with out having sex but here's the problem I have been with my boyfriend Doug for three years and I am truly in love with him. he is also a virgin and for a long time we talked about waiting till we got married to have sex but we have talked about it and feel that sex is a big part of a relationship that can unfortunately change the relationship in its self. being so young we know that we will have to deal with a lot when we do get married and want to explore as much as we can before we take the next step in are commitment to each other and tie the knot. but I am not stupid my mother was 15 and my father was 17 when I was born. my mother left when I was 3 so I was never able to hear her side of the story but my father has always been open about how hard it was for him to be a teenage parent. so thatʼs why Iʼm so confused these days. I brought up the fact that me and Doug would like to try and have sex but i didnʼt want to do it without birth control to my father he said he would call his insurance and see what we had to do and what doctors were open to me. that was about 6 months ago if not longer. unfortunate 3 days ago one thing lead to another and me and my boyfriend ended up having sex I do not regret it in anyway but now I am more then determent to get on it ( especially since I will be moving in with him soon) but now my father story has changed and he refuses to help me or allow me to use his insurance. with my boyfriend unemployed at the moment and my 7.75 an hour wages I cant afford to go to a doctor and want to avoid planed parent hood at all cost please help I am not sure what to do from here
as always

Vic/ Tory

Dear Vic/ Tory,

If you were sitting right here with me, right now, is exactly how I am going to write/talk to you, ok? I will tell you just like I would tell one of my own (which are many)kids, grandkids or even great grandkids, when they grow up. Capish?

First, I'll tell ya how very proud I am that you waited and you waited to do this (share yourself with) with a guy you care deeply about. It's very true, sex complicates things immensely in any and all relationships. We may not feel the consequences, repercussions or propensity for disaster that sex entails but every single time, you have sex with anybody, you are taking so many chances. It's almost like playing the Lottery; will you win the guy, will you win a pregnancy, will you win a disease? Yada Yada Yada

I imagine you are aware of all these things as it does sound to me like you are very level-headed. I can also tell you are sweet spirited with a strong backbone and moral fiber. Good combo. I hope that you will always stick to your guns when you feel the need. Yes, you will be challenged but it seems to me that you are the type that pays attention and heeds the warnings, especially when it comes to learning from others mistakes. Not everybody has this, ya know. No, some of us dummies have to learn everything the hard way, i.e. myself.

Of course I'd heard if you sleep with a guy you can get pregnant. Did I think it would happen to me? No, I did not and had my first of three sons at the tender age of 16. Women have been getting prego and having babies since the dawn of time, yet I thought that only happens to those other stupid girls. What a dumb ass, huh? Although I'd never imagine my life w/o my boys, I can tell you first hand, it changed my life as well as theirs. Yes, having children not only alters your life but your body as well.

I hope you continue to pay close and careful attention to others' mistakes. If you do, you just might have the charmed life I anticipate for you. Read This!

As I stated at the top of this post, I will tell it like it is, like you were one of my own; If you are woman enough to lay like a woman, you must also be woman enough to find the resources to facilitate your needs...

See, your Dad feels like he's giving you the License to Breed, if he gives in and helps you with this birth control thing. Somehow I just know he has contemplated all this and feels he does not want to sanction your situation. It's quite possible he feels that if he holds out, so might you? I know he can have misplaced and misunderstood emotions/behaviors/reasoning but he loves you like the sun. He's a bit gruff and can be quite stubborn but he only has your best interest at heart. It's actually quite hard for him to stomach the idea of some guy laying down with his baby no matter how hard he tries or how open minded he tries to be. Ya gotta love him...

I don't know what your beef is with Planned Parenthood, although I have a good idea(and feel the same way). Your values and beliefs are very strong and I can appreciate it as well as honor it. Keep those "colors" flying high. However, I tend to think that you should bend just a bit and look at the good aspect of what they are doing; Preventive Medicine.

Preventive Medicine is a good thing. If they can stop even one unwanted pregnancy, I'm all for it. If they can prevent just one girl/woman having to make the choice of whether or not she'll get that abortion, I'm all for it. I will say it loud and proud; I do not believe in Abortion. So, let's do everything humanly possible, before hand to thwart and nix an unwanted pregnancy. Make's sense, does it not?

So, if possible, embrace that last paragraph and get your butt up there before you find yourself asking Dad for two more things; can you get married or can he pay for you to go to the Obstetrician?




Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Gift Within the Gift

Dear Aunt Babz,

In short, I am unsure how to get over myself and put my son first.

In order to get over an ex of one year i started smoking MJ and sleeping with a former high school mate. The condom broke after the second or third time and i ended up pregnant. The major problem is I still love my ex and i am having difficulty with the question, 'Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?' i've been diagnosed with quite a bit but major depression is the main thing (to keep it short). i cry almost every day. i don't want to be a mom...I'm too crazy and impatient and angry. i hate myself for doing this to an innocent person. It makes me almost suicidal...but my beliefs wont allow me to hurt myself anymore or my child.


Dear Mom-to-Be,

The good thing about morals and beliefs is that sometimes, even in the oddest of places, you find something that you didn’t even know you were missing. And in this case it will be your child.

The situation isn’t “ideal” but then again what is nowadays?? You have yourself and this baby to look forward too. And in time, just in time, I am sure you will.

I do know that this is a different circumstance, but when I was pregnant I didn’t feel mom-like at all. I was scared and neurotic and selfish and impatient. I didn’t know what the heck a diaper genie was, what freaking universe would let me be impregnated??? These thoughts would creep into my head and make me completely crazy. And the more people told me “it’s okay hun, it’ normal” the less I believed them. I had no idea how to look after a kid… hell I didn’t even look after myself that well! So freaked out.

And even though when my daughter was born I felt like nothing else in this world was as important as her… I was still freaking out because OH MY GOSH.. I don’t know how to hold her or feed her or what she wants! HeHe…. Seriously, I think (okay I hope) every new mom goes through this, so in that you are not alone.

As for your ex and wishing he were the father…. Well there isn’t anything that you can do about that…. But you can change the way you look at this. Instead of looking at this as a “blip” that wasn’t suppose to happen with this guy… look at it as an unexpected surprise that you will cherish. And if you and your ex can somehow manage to work through this, that is great as well. But it you two can’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Bottom line is this: You have the opportunity to start a new life and bring into this world a cherished being, or a burden. But that is only for you to decide. And with the beliefs and morals you have, I am sure it will be the sooner rather then the later.

If you need help finding resources for prenatal or for some other help, please don’t’ hesitate to write back and let us know where you are and how we can help. This will be a great blessing in your life, if you let it.

Take care. Brightest Blessings.

~Xmichra~

Dear Friend,

I'm sure glad that you have some strong values and beliefs instilled. Yes, it's a real good thing because thus far, I have nothing but good feelings about this, especially pregnancy. As well, I'm glad you are being honest with your emotions and seeking counsel, advice, perspective and so on.

First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that you are not the first or last person to go through a pregnancy with apprehension. That is not to say that you don't have a right to your feelings. In fact, if you weren't even little bit scared, I'd think there was a false sense of self. It scared the crap out of me too. I also didn't want to have children, ever. My first pregnancy at the age of 16 was surely not planned and it sure as hell was not wanted. I readily admit this and those feelings. In other words, I am not throwing stones.

The Cynical Young/Old Biddy

In all honesty, I really didn't care too much for children. I've always been a bit cynical. They got on my nerves, especially the undisciplined, spoiled ones or the ones that ruined a simple conversation you might be trying to have in a restaurant with their acting out. No, I was not much into screaming, crying bratty kids who's parents allowed them to run around and act up, thinking they are darlings and can do no wrong. I'm sure I sound like a crabby ass and I may very well be but I have no patience with children who misbehave.

I think I've always been this way, you know, a bit cynical and maybe even a tad bit insensitive when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Even my own Grandkids can get on my last nerve. My oldest grandson will sit next to his Mom and say, over and over, "Mom, Mom, Mom" to get her attention. She tunes him out, almost ignoring him as he jabbers on. But I get pissed at them both. I will get upset with him for saying "Mom" over and over and she upsets me because she ignores him, tunes him out. I can't tune it out, so it makes me crazy. My granddaughter will whine about everything and listens about as well as the family cat. I quickly lose my patience and wish I could tune it all out myself.

I do so apologize for the mini rant. I suppose I am pointing out that I do understand your apprehension in this situation. But as I stated before, I became pregnant at 16 and was not a happy camper about it. As well, I was not "in love" with the father of my children, at that time. Yes, things looked pretty dismal and I almost had the feeling like my life was really screwed up and it was this pregnancy that was screwing it all up. Resentments were there, I must admit. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I was not looking forward to having this baby. I too asked the question, as you have; "Why God? Why me and why with him?"

So, a week before my 17th Birthday, I gave birth to my first son, Lee. Damn if he wasn't cute and I looked into his eyes, as he strained to look into mine and my life was never the same. There and then, I saw my own eyes, in his and the circle of life was evident. I felt complete, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I laughed, I cried but I was scared clueless.

Motherhood is a wonderful thing. It's also the hardest job you'll ever have. You will continue to laugh and you will continue to cry. They will make you smile and break your heart. They will give you meaning but for a time, you will lose your identity. You will trade your name in for the label of "Mom." You might even forget who you were/are?

There are several ways of looking at motherhood and life, in general. The first thing to assimilate is that all things happen for a reason. There's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. All things, including this pregnancy, happen for a reason. As soon as you stop questioning, "Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?" the sooner you will begin to see the reasons behind it all. Then, you will/can find joy in your situation, namely this child. All things happen for a a reason.

Everything is a state of mind. Happiness, freedom, love and motherhood, are all a state of mind. No, everyday is not always peachy keen but I do guarantee some smiles and reason for living along the way.

You have choices in everything, every situation. You can choose to be happy and welcome this child with open arms. Although he is a product of a man you are not in love with, he/she is also a product of yourself. Love thyself and you will and can love your child.

Learn to be grateful for all things good and bad. See, while some people say the glass of water is half full, others say the glass is half empty, right? You must learn to be grateful for the water and not concern yourself as to what's in the glass or how much is there. When you begin to have a grateful attitude, all things will fall into place. When you become grateful for this child, you will then find the joy, the gift within the gift.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., I might possibly suggest seeking counseling for your depression or stepping up your sessions if you've already incorporated counseling. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're having a hard time dealing. The harm is if you allow yourself to go unchecked with unbridled emotion or even the lack of it. Speaking with a trained Therapist is even a good idea. They don't hand you answers but they do help you work through things. As well, they will validate your feelings and emotions as you talk about things. Working towards a healthier you and being good to yourself will allow you to be good to your baby.

Ray of Sunshine

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I wish to stay anonymous, I'm 30 weeks pregnant but im not 100% sure who the

farther is i had a 1 night stand but used a condom, iv not used owt wiv my

partner for a year i used to be on the pill but came off to start a

family,if my baby isn't my partners i don't want her, i love my partner so much

and there is no way on earth i can tell him,i need advice because its eating

away at me,thanks x

Dear Friend,

I feel for your dilemma and understand how, right now, this may not be a joyful time. I did not completely understand, your whole email but I will try to answer you.

I've put a couple links at the bottom, that may or may not be helpful. But I take it, you do not want to tell him about this one night stand. Once your child is born, you may be able to tell, if it's his or not. Regardless, the child is still yours.

The question, I don't think you've thought about, is this; if you decide, after having this child, that the baby is not his, how in the hell will you tell him, that you are going to give the child up for adoption? If he thinks the child is his, from the start, he'll think you're drunk or crazy, for thinking, you're going to give his child away. Do you see what I'm saying? You can't have this child and just give it away. You'd have to tell him, why, you'd possibly want to put the baby up for adoption, anyway.

If I was in your situation, I'd have to tell him the truth...after the baby is born. It will do no good to tell him, till then. Or you can choose to wait and maybe, somehow, get his DNA and send it in, to be determined. They do have kits, to do it at home. Possibly, you could say, you need something for the Doctor? Most men hate to go to the Doctor's right? So, when the baby has her first cold and she will, you say the Doctor needs a sample, to make sure it's not strep or something. Most DNA tests consist of a large cotton swab. You must run it back and forth, on the inside of your cheek, several times, I think 6-7 times. Then, you send it away for testing.

It's rather deceptive but I don't know what else to tell you. I am not going to scold you (Who am I to do that, anyway, haha!). What's done is done. Remember, when you have sex, anytime, no matter what, you must realize, that there may be consequences. Even with birth control, you can get pregnant. Even with a condom, you can get pregnant and you may or rather, there's always the possibility to contract an STD. But you know that now, right? I write this for the benefit of anyone reading this.

You know, I never wanted children, never. I became pregnant at the age of 16 and all my girlfriends told me to go get an abortion. Something in me, told me that it is wrong, don't do it. Back then, abortion was not explained as it is now and we didn't have the same understanding. In other words, we were made to think it was merely another means of birth control. It is not and if you knew what they did, how it's done and what the fetus looks like before and after, you just might change your mind. But my point is this; I never wanted children, as I said. But after I had my son and he held onto my hand and loved on me unconditionally, I can't imagine, my life without him. I had two more sons and as rough as it was being a single Mom, I could never live without them in my life.

Once you have this child, you may feel differently. Hopefully, this child shines, in your eyes. I hope she is your ray of sunshine. Right now, things seem rather dismal and dark but this is a product, half you and hopefully half, the fella that you love. I hope and pray it is, for your sake. I do have a good feeling though, that all will be well. But it never hurts to pray, now does it? It also never hurts, to talk to the big guy, apologize from the heart and ask him to take control.
Remember this.

Write to me, after the baby is born and then, tell me how you feel. I will wait patiently.



Genetic Testing Laboratories (At Home)

DNA Testing (At Home)

How To On Adoption